Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 136

“I lost my job last week. I was there for six years. It was...

“I lost my job last week.  I was there for six years.  It was the first job I’ve ever lost.  It’s hard not to take it personally when someone tells you that you’re not needed.  There were ten people on my team, and I’m the one they chose.  So my mind has been running through all the possible things I could have done wrong.  The first few days were the hardest.  I spent a lot of time crying.  But m…y birthday was a few days ago, and my friends took me out for a taco night.  And it woke me up.  I started laughing.  I couldn’t even remember why I’d felt so sad.   My life was so much bigger than that job.  I’m healthy, I live in a wonderful city, and I have a great group of friends.  I just lost a small piece of the pie.”

“I don’t think I’m going to miss eighth grade. It’s been a...

“I don’t think I’m going to miss eighth grade.  It’s been a tough year.  A lot of my friends are struggling with depression and self-harm, and it’s hard for me to watch.  I just care about them so much.  Growing up is so hard for some people.  It’s such a big thing.  It’s your foundation, I guess.  You’re becoming you.  It’s such a big thing and we’re going through it right now.  Some of my friend…s are struggling with loving themselves and loving life.  I think they forget that we’re still learning.  They think that they’re already who they’re going to be.  They think they know the future.  And it’s going to be horrible.  And they’ll never be able to fix it.  But that’s not true because we’re still changing.  And we’ll always be changing.  Even when we’re old, we’ll be changing.”

“I grew up in an abusive household where I never got any...

“I grew up in an abusive household where I never got any approval.  I always felt unattractive and gross.  But everything changed the first time I walked into a gay club.  Everyone turned to look at me.  I was the newest thing.   I felt like I could have anyone I wanted.  It was the first time in my life that I felt a sense of power, and I became addicted to it.  I started using sex as a way to satisfy my juvenile need for approval.  And that need didn’t go away when I found …a long-term partner.  I tried to tell him about it one time.  We were walking in this park, and I told him about my strong desire to be with other people. I thought maybe if we could talk about my feelings, they would go away.  But he took it personally.  He teared up.  He looked like he’d been stabbed in the heart.  So I took it all back.  I never mentioned it again.  Until he caught me cheating on him.”

“I’m driving to pay off my student debts. I had to start...

“I’m driving to pay off my student debts.  I had to start college late because my father had a stroke shortly after I graduated high school.  He couldn’t afford to stop working.  So I worked in a fried chicken restaurant seven days a week while he recovered. When he first came home from the hospital, I carried him down the stairs.  He had tears in his eyes.  My father emigrated from Pakistan in the eighties.  He worked hard so that I could have a better life.  In that moment, I think he saw that I’d turned into the son that he’d always hoped for.”

“I’m turning thirty in July. And I’m still working out a lot of...

“I’m turning thirty in July.  And I’m still working out a lot of childish things in my dating life.  I’m learning how to communicate.  I’m learning to ask myself: ‘What do I want?’ instead of ‘What can I take?’  I’m learning that another person can never ‘complete me.’  And I’m learning that in certain moments it’s OK to not like somebody—even if you love them.  It’s taken me longer to figure this stuff out because I had to hide my identity for so long.  I know that nobody ever fully arrives, but heterosexuals definitely have a head start.”

“I’m practicing French right now. I want to move to Europe so I...

“I’m practicing French right now.  I want to move to Europe so I can force myself to start over.  I have a nine-to-six job.  It’s a good position.  They pay me well.  I love my team.  But everything just feels so familiar.  There’s no discomfort or uncertainty anymore.  On weekends I go to the same neighborhood bar.  I eat at the same restaurants that I know are good.  I take interesting vacations, but even those tend to follow a regular pattern.  As much as I tell myself that I’m being adventurous when I hike in Peru—it’s a very planned risk.  I think a new city will be good for me.  I’ll start out alone.  I’ll be forced to reflect.  I’ll have a sense of unexpectedness.  I want to feel like a tourist in my own life again.”

“He’s an actor on Broadway. I broke up with him in December...

“He’s an actor on Broadway.  I broke up with him in December because he couldn’t manage his anger.  He’d scream at me on subway platforms.  Once he busted my lip while trying to grab something out of my hand.  That was when I finally ended it.  But he called me on New Year’s Eve and asked if he could go to a party with me.  We’d bought our tickets months earlier.  They were expensive so I agreed.  My sister was coming with us so I wasn’t worried.  Everyone had a great time.  …At the end of the night, we dropped off my sister and went back to his place.  I was so drunk that I curled up in a pile of clothes.  When I opened my eyes he was taking photos of me and laughing.  I immediately decided to leave.  It was literally the start of a new year and I wanted to begin on a good note.  He yelled at me to come back but I kept walking.  He followed me down the stairs and grabbed my arm.  He told me to ‘stop acting stupid.’  Then he pinned me up against the side of his building.  He was choking me and saying ‘calm down, calm down, calm down.’  A van drove by and started honking at us.  But they didn’t stop.  They didn’t help me.  I broke free and ran into traffic but nobody was stopping.  He caught me, and pushed me up against a van, and lifted me into the air by the neck.  When I woke up on the ground he was gone.  I asked the judge to sentence him to anger management courses.  He’s finished them.  But I’m still dealing with the trauma of that night.”

“’I’m obsessive, but my obsessions are productive. I’m happy....

“’I’m obsessive, but my obsessions are productive.  I’m happy.  I never get depressed.  I find life very interesting.  I paint for hours every day.   I have 100,000 postcards at home organized geographically.  And I’ve written a story about every day of my life between 1981 and 2011.  I have 20,000 pages of notes.  Right now I’m in the editing phase.  I’ll be done with that in a couple years, and then I’m going to copy the entire thing by hand.  There’s no way I can  trust computers with something this important.  I think I can finish the job in ten years.  I’m pretty sure I can live long enough.”

“I asked her out during a movie. I was really nervous, so I...

“I asked her out during a movie.  I was really nervous, so I executed with about half the talent level that I could have. I accidentally swallowed some cologne in the bathroom because I tried to open the packet with my mouth.  Then I never actually had the courage to ask the question.  I waited until there was a scene in the movie with a boyfriend and girlfriend, and I said: ‘That could be us.’  It felt good coming out of my mouth.  But then I looked over and saw confusion.  But I rode out the awkward silence, and eventually she figured it out.”

“I just had to sit down because I got short of breath. I was at...

“I just had to sit down because I got short of breath. I was at a restaurant earlier where the manager had to seat me at the counter because I couldn’t fit in the booth.  I have pain in my knees and my joints. I sleep with a breathing apparatus at night.  And I’m a great candidate for a heart attack.  I hate it.  I hate the way I feel.  But I’ve been overweight for so long that people assume I don…’t want to lose weight.  Friends and family wonder why I don’t just stop eating.  But it’s an addiction for me.  When I walk past a bakery, I feel the same way that an alcoholic must feel when he walks past a bar.  But people seem to think that the alcoholic is unable to quit.  And they think I choose not to.”