Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 132

“I came to America when I was six years old. Mom said she...

“I came to America when I was six years old. Mom said she brought us here so that we’d have opportunities in life. She said that back in the Bahamas, it’s only the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots.’ She wanted us to have more choices. But I don’t think she fully understood how things work here. She was a news reporter back in the Bahamas. But the only job she could get here was taking care of oldpeople. My dad could only work construction. We moved to four different states just so they could find work. They always told me, ‘Just study hard in school and everything will work out fine.’ So that was my plan. I got all A’s up until the 11th grade– except for one B in math. My goal was to get top twenty in my class, then go to college, then get a degree, and then get a job. I realized the truth my senior year. My guidance counselor told me I couldn’t get a loan. I couldn’t get financial aid. Even if I could find a way to pay for school, I probably couldn’t get a job. I felt so mad at everyone. There were some kids who completely slacked off in school, but even they were going to college. I started having panic attacks. My dad told me not to worry. He called me a ‘doubting Peter.’ He invited all his friends over to a fish fry to help raise money. And he did get $3,000. But that wasn’t enough. So I searched really hard on the Internet and found the Dream.us scholarship. My mom was so excited when I got it. They’re paying for me to go to Queens College. Now my mom’s really scared again because DACA got revoked. She’s crying all the time at work. I try to tell her that no matter what happens, we’re not going to die. We just might have to start over.”

“I was on a leadership team in 5th grade. At the end of the...

“I was on a leadership team in 5th grade. At the end of the year we were supposed to take a trip to Washington DC. We held fundraisers and everything. But when it was time to go, I didn’t have the identification papers to buy a plane ticket. So our teacher Ms. Rivera decided that we’d take a bus. Just so I could go too. That trip changed my life. It made me want to be a lawyer. And Ms. Rivera became one of the closest people in my life. She always kept in touch. She basically watched me grow up. One time in high school I got in a huge fight with my mom, and Ms. Rivera came and took me on a long car ride. I started to tell her everything. I told her about a recent break-up, and how I smoked weed, and ‘I did this,’ and ‘I did that.’ She just listened to everything. Then she started telling me about her life too. She told me that she’d been in an abusive relationship. I’d always thought her life was perfect because she was a guidance counselor. But she’d been through so much too. When it was came time to apply for college, Ms. Rivera was the one who helped me apply for DACA. She told me about the TheDream.us scholarship. I didn’t even want to apply. I was ready to give up. I’d just accepted that I’d always work in restaurants like my mom. But Ms. Rivera made me apply. She said: ‘What happened to that girl who wanted to be a lawyer?’ I learned that I got the scholarship in February. They’re paying for my entire college. Ms. Rivera was so proud of me. She kept saying: ‘I told you so.’”

“I was just a year old when my family came from Ecuador. My...

“I was just a year old when my family came from Ecuador. My parents were always open with me about it. Even from a young age. I was lucky that way– a lot of undocumented kids don’t find out the truth until they’re much older. Their parents never tell them because they want them to feel normal. So the kids grow up thinking that they’re 100 percent American. Then they try to study abroad, or apply to colleges, and they find out they don’t have the papers. And it hits them hard. It’s like they’ve got to figure themselves out all over again. They learn that they aren’t a part of the culture they grew up in. And they start to feel a sense of shame. Nobody ever talks about it. They’re too afraid. I certainly never told anyone. That’s why DACA was so interesting. It gave us the smallest amount of safety. People started to step out of the shadows, and say ‘I’m here.’ We began to find each other. Now there’s a community. And we’re speaking out together. We grew up in this culture. We grew up with the same kids as everyone else. This is our home.”

“We were pretty poor back in Mexico. My parents were divorced....

“We were pretty poor back in Mexico. My parents were divorced. Mom did the best she could. She was always a hustler. She’d sell jewelry, or food, or anything that she could. But a lot of nights there still wouldn’t be enough to eat. We’d survive on tortillas and salt. I was only eight when we came to America. So I was too young to understand. I think my mom thought she could make some money and bring us home. She thought she’d learn English, and maybe start a business. But it was so much harder than she expected. We moved so much looking for work. She’s fifty and she still cleans houses every day. Every year she gets more worn down. She’s been getting sick a lot lately. But she can’t afford to stop. She never will. Right now I’m in school. I always thought I had to be the best student because I’m undocumented. I thought I’d go to law school, or graduate school. But now I’m not so sure. My mom would literally destroy her body to make that happen for me. How could I allow that to happen? I’m a Dreamer. And everyone loves the Dreamers because we’re a perfect package to sell. But why am I the only one who gets the chance to feel safe? Whenever I hear ‘I stand with Dreamers,’ I always think about my mom. I’m not willing to throw her under the bus. I’m not willing to be a bargaining chip to make her seem like a criminal. Everything people admire about Dreamers is because of our parents.”

“I got divorced when I was sixty-four. We had a good run. We...

“I got divorced when I was sixty-four. We had a good run. We were married for 36 years. We’re not enemies. We just outgrew each other. When the kids were in the house, all our focus was on them. But after they left, there just wasn’t any reason to keep doing it. We were just living our own lives—together. Neither of us was all that interested in changing. So what’s the point in staying together? If you talk to most people my age, and they’re really being honest, they’ll tell you that they’re dissatisfied with their partner. But then they’ll shrug their shoulders and say: ‘Where else am I going to go?’ Because most people can’t stand to be alone. My ex-wife and I never had that problem.”

“My first time was October 18th, 2013. I was a freshman in...

“My first time was October 18th, 2013. I was a freshman in college. I was alone in my dorm room and I’d just eaten a bunch of Halloween candy. So I purged it. I felt great afterward. I thought I’d discovered a new tool. It seemed like a way to stop gaining weight. But it became very powerful, very quickly. My second time was two days later. Soon it became most meals. I became addicted to watching the numbers drop. I lost all power over it. I was dizzy and depressed all the time. I couldn’t focus in class or go out with friends. For five months, I lost all control. Then I finally got help. I started talking about it. And the more I talked about it, the more control I got back. The eating disorder lost its power when it stopped being a secret. I’m much better now, but I’ll always be recovering. A few weeks ago I had a relapse. It was the first time in months. Even though I was disappointed, I reminded myself that it wasn’t the end of the world. I haven’t lost all the progress I’ve made over the past four years. I just need to stay positive. And keep talking about it.”

“My mother was sixteen when the war came to St. Petersburg....

“My mother was sixteen when the war came to St. Petersburg. She was the oldest of four children, so her parents chose to evacuate her first. She was supposed to find a job and the rest of the family would follow. She was evacuated with a factory. The workers were on one boat and the machinery was on the other. The boat with the machinery was bombed and sank to the bottom of the river. My mother ended up in a city thousands of miles away. Sometimes there was such little food that she survived on grass. But everyone who stayed behind in the city died. Her entire family was killed in one night. Growing up, she always told us about St. Petersburg. She hung paintings of the city all over our house. So we wanted to bring her back here before she died. When we arrived in the city, we went straight to visit her old house. Only the foundation was left. But when we got off at the subway stop, the strangest thing happened. Two children came running toward us. Their mother was calling after them: ‘Sonya and Misha!’ They had the same names as me and my brother. It was as if they were greeting us.”

(St. Petersburg, Russia)

“I met him six months ago at work. I’m the manager of a store....

“I met him six months ago at work. I’m the manager of a store. He was a delivery man. He was playful and fun. He’d bring me coffee and buns in the morning. He started driving me home at night. We began dating and recently moved in together. But a few weeks ago I called his cell phone and a woman picked up. She started asking who I was, and said she wanted to know why I was calling ‘her man.’ Afterwards he told me it was a big misunderstanding. He said it was his ex-girlfriend, and he’d been with her for nine years, so he still feels a responsibility to provide for her. He swears it’s just a material relationship. But she calls him all the time now. He’s not my property, and I don’t want to lose him, but I just want him to make her go away. But he acts like it’s my problem. When I tell him it bothers me, he just says: ‘I’ll ask her not to call at night.’”

(St. Petersburg, Russia)

“She needed people around us and I didn’t understand that. I...

“She needed people around us and I didn’t understand that. I was locked on the two of us. There was a Russian writer who wrote: ‘I hated the world so that I could love you more.’ And that was me. I stopped talking to my old friends. I stopped spending time with people from work. And I wanted her to do the same. I was jealous, maybe. She was much younger than me so that made me feel insecure. I don’t think I wasn’t being mean. I was just asking her not to go to work parties. She left me 258 days ago. We’d just come back from a holiday by the sea, and everything seemed fine. It was just like always. We were swimming, drinking wine, going to cafes. I had no idea it was coming. One morning we were having coffee in the kitchen, and she said: ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ It was two months straight of drinking vodka after that. I lost thirty pounds. Only now is the wound starting to heal. I’m getting used to being lonely.”

(Moscow, Russia)

“I don’t get to live the life of a seventeen year old. My mom...

“I don’t get to live the life of a seventeen year old. My mom is always working and I have a six-year-old brother. So I have to do everything that a mother would do. I take him to kindergarten, pick him up, feed him, clean up after him. I don’t get to take breaks. I can’t play sports after school. I can’t get extra tutoring. But it’s not my mom’s fault. She’s trying to save money for me to go to college. And she tells me every day that I’m a wonderful daughter. But it’s been very difficult for me. The only good thing is that I can understand adult problems already. I don’t take anything for granted and I know that life is not easy. It seems like my friends aren’t even studying to get knowledge. They’re studying to get an allowance. So I think I’m more mature than most seventeen year olds. But at some point I would like some time to take care of myself. Or maybe even have someone take care of me for a change.”

(Moscow, Russia)