Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 135

“I have four boys. I was a single mother for most of my life....

“I have four boys. I was a single mother for most of my life. But I’ve been a good mother. I’m going to pat myself on the back for that. It wasn’t easy. I struggled hard. In my twenties, I got kicked out on the street with four young kids. But I made sure they were always safe, fed, sheltered, and had proper clothes for the season. They always had bikes and skates. And I kept them busy. I signed them up for everything: karate, basketball, swimming, you name it. I paid for it all. I didn’t want them spending time in the streets, so I’d work overtime just to keep them busy. I never had much left over for myself. I sacrificed a lot for them. I still wake up at 3:30 every morning to beat the traffic across the bridge. But they always come first. Because they never asked to come here. They were my decision.”

“My mother had always been functional as long as she took her...

“My mother had always been functional as long as she took her medicine. But a couple years ago I began to notice a change. When we spoke on the phone, she’d laugh at the smallest things. Everything was a joke to her. But then she could also get very angry. She became convinced that people were plotting against her. She kicked all my siblings out of the house. When I went home to California, I discovered that she had drawn lines and circles inside all of her books. She seemed fixated on certain times and dates. Everything bothered her. She started calling me ‘faggot’ and things like that. It’s been a tough two years. She’s gotten worse and worse. I’ve flown back to California four times, but we barely speak when I’m home. It’s like she’s not even there. Meanwhile I’ve stopped investing in my friendships. I’ve had to drop out of my dance company. I’ve been getting depressed. Even when I’m not with her, I’m worrying about her. It’s getting to the point where I have to choose not to care about this. I have to think of her as gone. I didn’t create this. I created my life. And I don’t think I can take care of us both.”

“We’d only been together for a year when I was diagnosed with...

“We’d only been together for a year when I was diagnosed with a blood clot in the brain. I couldn’t work for months. I couldn’t go out. I could barely leave the house. I became completely dependent on him in every way: he provided emotional support, he ran a lot of errands, he even helped me with bills. It was a very tough time for me. I’ve always been independent. I’ve never had to rely on someone like that before. And it scared me. We hadn’t been dating for long. I thought the burden would become too much for him. So I got frustrated. I’d get pissed at little things and I’d take it out on him. But he never got rattled by it. The whole time I was afraid that my situation would become too much for him. When in reality, it was only a big deal to me.”

“I always wanted to be a mental health therapist. Ever since...

“I always wanted to be a mental health therapist.  Ever since high school, I’ve enjoyed encouraging people and giving them hope.  But I lost my way.  I got caught in a world of addiction.  I lost ten years of my life to drugs.  I stopped when I became pregnant with my child, but by that time it was too late to go back to school.  I started working as an office manager.  I never completely lost my dream.  But I just put it on a shelf for thirty years.  Then five years ago I to…ok it off the shelf.  I heard a lady in my choir talking about how she enrolled in community college.  I drove there the very next day.  I was so nervous when I filled out the application.  I was so nervous the first day of class.  All the old voices were telling me: ‘You never finish anything.’  But I said ‘fuck you’ to the old voices.  And I started getting A’s.  On my first test, I got the only perfect score in the class.  I graduated at the age of 50.  I got my Masters at 55.  And just last night I completed a mental health first aid course.  I’m so close now.  There’s still fear there.  I used to be afraid of it never happening.  Now I’m afraid of it happening.  The old voices try to come back sometimes.  They tell me: ‘You can rest,’ or ‘You’ve earned a break.’  But I’m not stopping this time.  Somebody out there is waiting for me to finish because they need my help.“

“Both my wife and I were raised in Guyana. Neither of our...

“Both my wife and I were raised in Guyana. Neither of our families demonstrated much affection. Physical contact was always reserved for discipline. There was a certain harshness in our household that I believe was passed down from slavery. Slaves were always punished for showing affection. They were never allowed to bond. And the effects of that have been passed down through the generations.My wife and I aren’t passionate people. We don’t express our feelings. We don’t say ‘I love you.’ We just banter back and forth. But now she’s sick with a major diagnosis. I’ve had to do everything for her: the shopping, the cooking, the housework. I try to be as responsive as possible to her needs. It’s the only way I know to show her that I care and I feel and I hurt.”

“First grade will be more harder than kindergarten cause I...

“First grade will be more harder than kindergarten cause I won’t know how to write all the words.”

“My older brother was my hero growing up. Everyone called him...

“My older brother was my hero growing up.  Everyone called him ‘Jise.’  He was this hip-hop dude.  People loved him, especially the girls.  Everyone knew when he walked into a room.  I was the opposite.  I blended into the crowd.  I was quiet.  I made straight A’s.  I liked comic books and action figures.  So I always looked up to him.  He was murdered one night in 1989.  Somebody shot him.  I was fifteen at the time, and I just kind of gave up.  I thought our family was curs…ed.  I always had this feeling that I was up next.  So it was like, ‘What’s the point of being good?’  I dropped out of school.  I started hanging out with the wrong crowd.  We started robbing people.  I never actually took anything myself.  I just tagged along for the adrenaline high.  Even at my lowest, part of me was always the same good kid.  I always held down a job.  I wrote poetry.  I kept dream journals.  Whenever we were getting into trouble, my friends would always tease me.  They’d say: ‘This isn’t you, man.  Why are you here?’  Hip-hop saved me.  It gave me a voice.  I started doing open mic nights.  I took all those dream journals and turned them into lyrics.  I joined a group called The Arsonists.  We toured all over Europe.  We pressed a lot of records.  Of course I always held down a second job.  My proudest moment was when they wrote about us in The Source.  My stage name was ‘Jise,’ in honor of my brother.  It was like I’d gotten us both there.”

“My English is not good. Spoken English is very difficult. But...

“My English is not good.  Spoken English is very difficult.  But I want to study at Columbia so I am trying to improve.  I decided to come to America because of Forrest Gump.  I’ve watched the movie five times.  I like Forrest very much.  Forrest is very simple.  He picks one thing, and he keeps going.  When I was young, I thought Forrest was stupid.  But now I have a different view.  I think people are too complicated.  They complain about everything.  Forrest never complains.  Forrest chooses one thing and he keeps going.  I watched the movie last month to encourage me.  My life is hard because people don’t ever know what I’m saying.  But I just think of Forrest.  Forrest figured everything out because he just kept going.”

“My mother wasn’t the best person in the world. She was hooked...

“My mother wasn’t the best person in the world.  She was hooked on heroin for most of my life.  She sold our childhood home for drug money.  She left me alone to raise my brother and disabled nephew.  I used to wake up every night to feed him and change his diapers.  I supported us all on the $5.15 an hour that I earned from the grocery store.  My mother passed away a few months ago, and I think I’m just now coming to terms with how awful she made my life.  This is the most stable I’ve ever been.  I have a permanent address.  I have someone who legitimately loves me.  But my anxiety has never been worse.  I’ve been having panic attacks recently.  I think I’ve never had to deal with the trauma because things were always coming at me.  And now I’m not sure how to handle the quiet.”

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                                                                                                                              “Graduation weekend was a nightmare.  My parents haven’t spoken to each other since my dad had an affair.  Yet they both wanted to come to the ceremony.  So we spent the whole weekend together.  Except they didn’t speak a word to each other.  It was ninety percent silence and ten percent me talking about nothing.  The celebration dinner was the worst.  Nobody said a word.  I ended up drinking a lo…t of tequila.  I tried to fill the silence by commenting on every single dish on the menu.  I made several observations about my pasta.  Then I spent an hour ‘looking’ for the perfect dessert place on Yelp.  I’m pretty sure at some point I even pulled out the subway map and described how the entire system worked.”