Simon Hugh Wheeler's Blog, page 6
October 11, 2013
The Real Meaning of "Bollocks".
In reality it has a much more spiritual intention. It is supposed to be "Beau Lux". Beau is French for beautiful and Lux is Latin for light; hence when we say, "Bollocks!" we really mean Beautiful Light. Used in conjunction with the universal symbol of the raised middle finger, we are reaching out to someone, hoping that the Beautiful Light will illuminate that part of their inner being that is untouched by the sun's warming rays.
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved".
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved".
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
October 4, 2013
The Money or Your Life
In one of my more cynical moments, (of which I have many), I posted on farcebook that I'd won the lottery. I had. I just didn't say how much.
I felt bad that so many people had responded with congratulations and wishing me the best, but do we think a mountain of money is the ultimate dream?
I buy the tickets from a charity lottery here in Spain. Apart from the proceeds going to charity, the people who sell the tickets are disabled and receive a commission on the sales. The girl who I buy the tickets from is stuck in a wheelchair and yet she gets out and about, has a load of friends and is one of the most positive people I've met. If I ever did win the lottery, big time, she'd be one of the first people I'd give a share of the winnings to. She deserves it much more than me.
The chances of winning the jackpot are so small that I'd be more likely to attain some sort of success as a writer. Strangely enough, I wouldn't derive any satisfaction from the lottery, compared to making money from writing, where I'd have earnt it through my own merits, so I probably would give it all away.
And making money from writing? I've been that obsessed recently with sales and marketing of my books, that I've turned into a grumpy sod, (well, to anyone that knows me, more so!) and begun to neglect my family. My two baby girls need me and they haven't been tainted by adult attitudes that judge people by how much money they've got. My girls have that pure, innocent outlook and see me simply as a person. I need to remind myself occasionally, how lucky I really am. If it's a question of the money or my life, I'll choose the latter any day.
You might like to check out my book, Happy Juice, in which I invite the reader to examine what is most important in their life.
Happy Juice at Amazon
I felt bad that so many people had responded with congratulations and wishing me the best, but do we think a mountain of money is the ultimate dream?
I buy the tickets from a charity lottery here in Spain. Apart from the proceeds going to charity, the people who sell the tickets are disabled and receive a commission on the sales. The girl who I buy the tickets from is stuck in a wheelchair and yet she gets out and about, has a load of friends and is one of the most positive people I've met. If I ever did win the lottery, big time, she'd be one of the first people I'd give a share of the winnings to. She deserves it much more than me.
The chances of winning the jackpot are so small that I'd be more likely to attain some sort of success as a writer. Strangely enough, I wouldn't derive any satisfaction from the lottery, compared to making money from writing, where I'd have earnt it through my own merits, so I probably would give it all away.
And making money from writing? I've been that obsessed recently with sales and marketing of my books, that I've turned into a grumpy sod, (well, to anyone that knows me, more so!) and begun to neglect my family. My two baby girls need me and they haven't been tainted by adult attitudes that judge people by how much money they've got. My girls have that pure, innocent outlook and see me simply as a person. I need to remind myself occasionally, how lucky I really am. If it's a question of the money or my life, I'll choose the latter any day.
You might like to check out my book, Happy Juice, in which I invite the reader to examine what is most important in their life.
Happy Juice at Amazon
September 13, 2013
SNAILS: Romantic, or Kinky Beasts?
Did you know that snails are vicious, dart-shooting creatures? Seriously! And they’re so romantic about it. When they find a lover, they give them a gloopy smooch and then fire a small dart, about half a centimetre long, from a hole just below their head. It’s not very accurate and could hit their lover anywhere, but it contains hormones to get them in the mood for love. I’m not sure it would make me feel very loving and I’m sure most girls would prefer a bunch of roses and a box of chocolates, but it seems to do it for snails. Maybe they just like a bit of BDSM. But it’s believed that’s where the legend of Cupid came from.
For a romantic comedy without snails, check out Loosely Translated, where Maria, a Spanish translator, meets Mike, the English author of the stupid detective novel that she very loosely translates. Mike is definitely a snail, but is there something likeable beneath the surface?
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
For a romantic comedy without snails, check out Loosely Translated, where Maria, a Spanish translator, meets Mike, the English author of the stupid detective novel that she very loosely translates. Mike is definitely a snail, but is there something likeable beneath the surface?
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
September 6, 2013
Heavenly Ho???
When you think of a cherub, what image comes to mind? A sweet, chubby, little angel? Well, you'd be wrong.
If we look in the Bible, Ezekiel talks about seeing cherubim, (the Latin plural). "Each of them had four faces and four wings, with straight feet with a sole like the sole of a calf's foot, and hands of a man under their wings. Each had four faces: the face of a man, the face of a lion on the right side, the face of an ox on the left side, and the face of an eagle." (Ezekiel 1:6-10) Sounds more like a genetic engineering experiment gone wrong, but they come under Seraphim, (fiery, six-winged spirits) in the hierarchy of celestial beings.
At some point people have confused the image of a cherub with that of a putto, the cute, wee angels that adorn many religious works of art. "Putto" in Italian, literally means boy. "Puta" in Spanish, would have its Latin origins, meaning girl, but nowadays it refers to a whore. Not quite so cherubic or angelic.
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved". If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
If we look in the Bible, Ezekiel talks about seeing cherubim, (the Latin plural). "Each of them had four faces and four wings, with straight feet with a sole like the sole of a calf's foot, and hands of a man under their wings. Each had four faces: the face of a man, the face of a lion on the right side, the face of an ox on the left side, and the face of an eagle." (Ezekiel 1:6-10) Sounds more like a genetic engineering experiment gone wrong, but they come under Seraphim, (fiery, six-winged spirits) in the hierarchy of celestial beings.
At some point people have confused the image of a cherub with that of a putto, the cute, wee angels that adorn many religious works of art. "Putto" in Italian, literally means boy. "Puta" in Spanish, would have its Latin origins, meaning girl, but nowadays it refers to a whore. Not quite so cherubic or angelic.
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved". If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
August 23, 2013
FREE Out-of-season Santa
I'm giving away copies of my kids' book to people who would be kind enough to review it.
Santa's Night Off is actually a family movie script; fun, fast-moving and with a few subtle messages thrown in.
How is Santa going to deliver the presents if he is feeling sick on the one night of the year he has to work? Could Mother Christmas save the day? She will have to deal with a charging bull, a savage chihuahua, the Three Wise (and angry) Men, American Air Force fighters, police and singing aliens.
If you're interested, pm me through goodreads, or email me: wheelersimon@hotmail.com
Available until November, in pdf, .prc, (suitable for kindle) or Word doc. Please specify which format you prefer. Thank you.
Santa's Night Off is actually a family movie script; fun, fast-moving and with a few subtle messages thrown in.
How is Santa going to deliver the presents if he is feeling sick on the one night of the year he has to work? Could Mother Christmas save the day? She will have to deal with a charging bull, a savage chihuahua, the Three Wise (and angry) Men, American Air Force fighters, police and singing aliens.
If you're interested, pm me through goodreads, or email me: wheelersimon@hotmail.com
Available until November, in pdf, .prc, (suitable for kindle) or Word doc. Please specify which format you prefer. Thank you.
August 16, 2013
Stop the Mole Slaughter!
On a trip back to Australia, where I come from, I took the opportunity to buy some classic moleskin trousers from one of the famous R.M. Williams shops. An Amercian tourist standing next to me was horrified. "Moleskin trousers? They make trousers from the skin of moles?"
I tried to explain, that no, it's just a name for the type of material - heavy cotton with a fine pile on the inside which makes the trousers very comfortable for horseriding.
She wasn't listening to me, though. "I think it's disgusting that they kill the poor little things just to make clothes. It should be stopped."
I couldn't bother repeating myself. "Yeah, well it's a problem that they're so small since you need about fifty moles for a pair of trousers."
I probably won't be made an ambassador for Australia.
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved". If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
I tried to explain, that no, it's just a name for the type of material - heavy cotton with a fine pile on the inside which makes the trousers very comfortable for horseriding.
She wasn't listening to me, though. "I think it's disgusting that they kill the poor little things just to make clothes. It should be stopped."
I couldn't bother repeating myself. "Yeah, well it's a problem that they're so small since you need about fifty moles for a pair of trousers."
I probably won't be made an ambassador for Australia.
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved". If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
August 10, 2013
How to be a Real-life Romantic Hero.
According to romance novels, a romantic hero needs to be a billionaire, tall and with piercing blue eyes, a square jaw, bulging biceps, and a six-pack stomach. Apart from being six foot two, I don't even come close.
I've just celebrated nine years of having known my wife. We didn't go out for a candle-lit dinner - two twin baby girls put a stop to that.
More often than not I'm tired and stressed. I moved to Spain to be with my wife, even though I didn't speak much Spanish, she lives in the horribly hottest part of the country and the job that I was offered suddenly disappeared. I've managed to cope with the mother-in-law, not seeing my family for six years and trying to survive an economic crisis with one of the worst levels of unemployment in the world. I've stood by my wife when her father died; the bad days when she feels terrible due to a debilitating condition that the doctors still can't seem to diagnose and the trauma of not being able to have children, which meant five years of dashed hopes until the treatment was successful.
At the end of the day, we still hold hands, appreciate the joy that our children have brought us and I can say to her, "I love you".
For a very rough diamond of a romantic hero who hides a not-so-hard heart, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved". If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
I've just celebrated nine years of having known my wife. We didn't go out for a candle-lit dinner - two twin baby girls put a stop to that.
More often than not I'm tired and stressed. I moved to Spain to be with my wife, even though I didn't speak much Spanish, she lives in the horribly hottest part of the country and the job that I was offered suddenly disappeared. I've managed to cope with the mother-in-law, not seeing my family for six years and trying to survive an economic crisis with one of the worst levels of unemployment in the world. I've stood by my wife when her father died; the bad days when she feels terrible due to a debilitating condition that the doctors still can't seem to diagnose and the trauma of not being able to have children, which meant five years of dashed hopes until the treatment was successful.
At the end of the day, we still hold hands, appreciate the joy that our children have brought us and I can say to her, "I love you".
For a very rough diamond of a romantic hero who hides a not-so-hard heart, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved". If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
August 2, 2013
Gotham City - Dark or Dim?
Gothamists are dimwitted people, because supposedly the people of Gotham, a town in Nottinghamshire, England, weren't too bright. Does Batman have to run around sorting out the cock ups of silly people?
Another Loose Translation from the author of Loosely Translated, a romantic comedy about a Spanish girl who "translates" a terrible book, which becomes a huge success. The problems start when she meets her enemy, the author, who maybe isn't quite so bad. How long will it be before he discovers exactly how loosely she has translated his book...
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
Another Loose Translation from the author of Loosely Translated, a romantic comedy about a Spanish girl who "translates" a terrible book, which becomes a huge success. The problems start when she meets her enemy, the author, who maybe isn't quite so bad. How long will it be before he discovers exactly how loosely she has translated his book...
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
July 21, 2013
"Cosy" Murder?
I saw a book advertised as a "cosy murder mystery". Not only that, there was no sex or swearing.
Have we become so desensitised, by seeing so much violence in movies and television that we have forgotten that murder is taking someone's life? How do we equate sex and swearing as being worse than murder? Sex, (in theory, I know), should be about sharing love and creating new life. Only when it is combined with violence or a lack of love, can it be seen as something bad. But even still, worse than murder?
And as for swearing, I seem to remember from my distant childhood, a saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". Swearing doesn't have the same effect on me as a knife.
I know someone whose son was killed. When it happens to someone close to you, seeing the way movies, (and books), glamourise murder, make it seem cool, cheapen it, and clean it up until it's "cosy", must be horribly distressing.
The internet has opened up possibilities for indie authors. It also gives us much more freedom, to write what we truly want, without the constraints of editors. But we need to exercise some responsibility and not forget that murder isn't just about a body. It used to be a person, with thoughts, feelings and a family.
Have we become so desensitised, by seeing so much violence in movies and television that we have forgotten that murder is taking someone's life? How do we equate sex and swearing as being worse than murder? Sex, (in theory, I know), should be about sharing love and creating new life. Only when it is combined with violence or a lack of love, can it be seen as something bad. But even still, worse than murder?
And as for swearing, I seem to remember from my distant childhood, a saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". Swearing doesn't have the same effect on me as a knife.
I know someone whose son was killed. When it happens to someone close to you, seeing the way movies, (and books), glamourise murder, make it seem cool, cheapen it, and clean it up until it's "cosy", must be horribly distressing.
The internet has opened up possibilities for indie authors. It also gives us much more freedom, to write what we truly want, without the constraints of editors. But we need to exercise some responsibility and not forget that murder isn't just about a body. It used to be a person, with thoughts, feelings and a family.
June 29, 2013
You Love My Donkey???
“Kiss my ass” has got nothing to do with being amorous towards donkeys. It is, however, a much more sinister expression than you might think. The Devil supposedly expected his followers to show their loyalty by puckering up and you know what.
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved". There's also a mention of "El Ángel Caído", one of the very few public statues dedicated to the Fallen Angel, which is found in Madrid. And it just so happens that it's at 666 metres above sea level!
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved". There's also a mention of "El Ángel Caído", one of the very few public statues dedicated to the Fallen Angel, which is found in Madrid. And it just so happens that it's at 666 metres above sea level!
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
Simon Hugh Wheeler's Blog
The Mental Meanderings of a Struggling Writer
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