Simon Hugh Wheeler's Blog, page 2
February 6, 2015
NOT-SO-HARD HEARTED
These pebbles were found on the beach
in Marbella, Spain,
within 10 feet of each other.
May you be happy and in love
on St Valentine's Day
and every other day.
For a romantic comedy about not judging a book by its cover, literally and figuratively, check out Loosely Translated. Mike is a drinking, swearing, womanising, rough diamond who definitely needs his edges smoothing out. If he wants to conquer Maria's heart, he needs to learn about true love.
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated on Amazon
December 26, 2014
When Honesty is NOT the Best Policy
Be a lying bastard. Sometimes being honest or loving and caring with the missus doesn't work. Eg: "Does my bum look big in this?" If you are honest, "Yes". Loving & caring: "I love you just the way you are." Either she won't believe that garbage, or she will know that you really mean yes. Keep her happy and say no. Be nice & be a lying bastard.
For a story about a guy who is very rough around the edges and wouldn't hestitate to be honest in the above situation, and yet would appear to have a heart, (even if it is slightly out of place), check out the romantic comedy, Loosely Translated.
When Maria has to translate a detective series into Spanish, she is so disgusted that someone could publish such trash while she is struggling to get published herself, that she decides to very loosely translate the book. The trouble begins when her version is a bestseller and she gets to meet her enemy, the English author, who might not be as bad as she thought. How long will it be before he finds out what she has done? The only thing worse would be to fall for the charms of that pig. But that's never going to happen...
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon
For a story about a guy who is very rough around the edges and wouldn't hestitate to be honest in the above situation, and yet would appear to have a heart, (even if it is slightly out of place), check out the romantic comedy, Loosely Translated.
When Maria has to translate a detective series into Spanish, she is so disgusted that someone could publish such trash while she is struggling to get published herself, that she decides to very loosely translate the book. The trouble begins when her version is a bestseller and she gets to meet her enemy, the English author, who might not be as bad as she thought. How long will it be before he finds out what she has done? The only thing worse would be to fall for the charms of that pig. But that's never going to happen...
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon
December 20, 2014
Independent Movie Gives Lesson in Screenwriting
If you're not doing much this Christmas, or you need some time away from the festive hysteria, check out the movie, Almost Human.
When you're suffering from too much Christmas spirit, (ie, whisky, vodka, brandy, etc.) your head will be able to cope with the intricacies of the plot: man is abducted by aliens; returns to Earth two years later; sets about killing everybody in reach of whatever sharp or blunt instrument that comes to hand; converts the bodies into alien zombies.
To avoid cliches, the director has worked with the actors to create unexpected responses to situations - the difference between an independent production and the usual Hollywood rubbish shows. In one scene, someone manages to bury the hatchet, literally, in the alien's back. Were there howls of pain? A roar of rage? No. He simply seemed a bit annoyed at not being able to reach the offending object stuck between his shoulder blades, to return the favour. My heart went out to him as he flapped his arms around in frustration.
In another scene, the main protagonist is chased by an alien zombie into the kitchen. While he was being strangled, did he miraculously find an enormous carving knife conveniently to hand? Of course not. The first thing his scrabbling hands came up with was a whisk. "Beating" the alien to death would not only be a painful pun, but rather ineffective, too. Or maybe he wanted to "whip" his butt.
Finally, the director very wisely steered clear of the Hollwood happily-ever-after ending. The good guy, after dispatching all the aliens, gets shot in the back by the police. Nobody ever believed his story that aliens were the ones doing all the killing.
Sorry to give away the ending, since I know you'll want to see it. I predict it will become a cult classic. Here's an example of why they call it the Seventh Art. Cinematic gold!
For an alternative screenplay with a Christmas flavour, check out Santa's Night Off, a comedy for all the family about what Santa will do when he is sick on his most important night of the year. Could Mother Christmas save the day? She will have to deal with a charging bull, a savage chihuahua, the Three Wise (and angry) Men, American Air force fighters, police and singing aliens.
A Merry, but mad, Christmas.
***FREE*** 6th - 10th December (Wed-Sun) on Amazon.
Santa's Night Off at Amazon
When you're suffering from too much Christmas spirit, (ie, whisky, vodka, brandy, etc.) your head will be able to cope with the intricacies of the plot: man is abducted by aliens; returns to Earth two years later; sets about killing everybody in reach of whatever sharp or blunt instrument that comes to hand; converts the bodies into alien zombies.
To avoid cliches, the director has worked with the actors to create unexpected responses to situations - the difference between an independent production and the usual Hollywood rubbish shows. In one scene, someone manages to bury the hatchet, literally, in the alien's back. Were there howls of pain? A roar of rage? No. He simply seemed a bit annoyed at not being able to reach the offending object stuck between his shoulder blades, to return the favour. My heart went out to him as he flapped his arms around in frustration.
In another scene, the main protagonist is chased by an alien zombie into the kitchen. While he was being strangled, did he miraculously find an enormous carving knife conveniently to hand? Of course not. The first thing his scrabbling hands came up with was a whisk. "Beating" the alien to death would not only be a painful pun, but rather ineffective, too. Or maybe he wanted to "whip" his butt.
Finally, the director very wisely steered clear of the Hollwood happily-ever-after ending. The good guy, after dispatching all the aliens, gets shot in the back by the police. Nobody ever believed his story that aliens were the ones doing all the killing.
Sorry to give away the ending, since I know you'll want to see it. I predict it will become a cult classic. Here's an example of why they call it the Seventh Art. Cinematic gold!
For an alternative screenplay with a Christmas flavour, check out Santa's Night Off, a comedy for all the family about what Santa will do when he is sick on his most important night of the year. Could Mother Christmas save the day? She will have to deal with a charging bull, a savage chihuahua, the Three Wise (and angry) Men, American Air force fighters, police and singing aliens.
A Merry, but mad, Christmas.
***FREE*** 6th - 10th December (Wed-Sun) on Amazon.
Santa's Night Off at Amazon
December 13, 2014
What Do You Wish For Christmas?
I'm sure we would ask Santa for peace and love in the world. Unfortunately, miracles are a bit difficult. However, we can start with peace and love in our own family. At Christmas, the turkey is the only one that should get stuffed.
For a fun Christmas story for all the family, with a touch of message that presents aren't the most important thing, check out Santa's Night Off. What can Santa do when he falls ill? Mrs Claus finds out that his job isn't so easy, having to deal with a charging bull, a savage chihuahua, the Three Wise (and angry) Men, American Air force fighters, police and singing aliens.
***FREE*** 6th - 10th December (Wed-Sun) on Amazon.
Santa's Night Off at Amazon
For a fun Christmas story for all the family, with a touch of message that presents aren't the most important thing, check out Santa's Night Off. What can Santa do when he falls ill? Mrs Claus finds out that his job isn't so easy, having to deal with a charging bull, a savage chihuahua, the Three Wise (and angry) Men, American Air force fighters, police and singing aliens.
***FREE*** 6th - 10th December (Wed-Sun) on Amazon.
Santa's Night Off at Amazon
December 10, 2014
I Prefer "Wicked" Women!
Wicked women are the best. Here's an excerpt from my romcom, Loosely Translated, that explains why:
‘Be careful – people will think you’re awfully wicked for talking about those things.’
‘It’s interesting you should say that. The word “wicked” comes from the Old English word, wicca that also happens to be the root for another closely related word: “witch”. Wicca means wise. Witches were wise women. Nothing sinister about that, although there are probably many men that are intimidated by an intelligent woman. And in case you don’t believe me, you only have to look at the word “wit”, meaning intelligence, cleverness.’
Loosely Translated is about a Spanish girl who has to translate a terrible detective series. Maria is so disgusted that someone can get such rubbish published when she can't, that she decides to very loosely translate it. The problems start when the Spanish version of the book becomes a bestseller and she meets her enemy, the English author, who might not be as bad as she thought. But how long will it be before he discovers what she has done?
A hate-at-first-sight romance that gives an insight into the culture and people of Spain, without the usual bulls and flamenco dancers.
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon
‘Be careful – people will think you’re awfully wicked for talking about those things.’
‘It’s interesting you should say that. The word “wicked” comes from the Old English word, wicca that also happens to be the root for another closely related word: “witch”. Wicca means wise. Witches were wise women. Nothing sinister about that, although there are probably many men that are intimidated by an intelligent woman. And in case you don’t believe me, you only have to look at the word “wit”, meaning intelligence, cleverness.’
Loosely Translated is about a Spanish girl who has to translate a terrible detective series. Maria is so disgusted that someone can get such rubbish published when she can't, that she decides to very loosely translate it. The problems start when the Spanish version of the book becomes a bestseller and she meets her enemy, the English author, who might not be as bad as she thought. But how long will it be before he discovers what she has done?
A hate-at-first-sight romance that gives an insight into the culture and people of Spain, without the usual bulls and flamenco dancers.
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon
November 15, 2014
2y.o. INTELLIGENCE TEST - CAN YOU PASS IT?
Look at this picture. What is it?
An apple.... or a cherry?
Not so fast. Be careful. My daughter got it right, but I've caught out an adult with it!
Go to www.simonhughwheeler.com for the answer.
Do NOT give away the answer in the comments below. Karma will visit you in the form of a flying pig with diarrhea that will circle over your head for a whole day!
An apple.... or a cherry?
Not so fast. Be careful. My daughter got it right, but I've caught out an adult with it!
Go to www.simonhughwheeler.com for the answer.
Do NOT give away the answer in the comments below. Karma will visit you in the form of a flying pig with diarrhea that will circle over your head for a whole day!
November 5, 2014
MISSING: Mr Right
What do El Dorado, Atlantis and the perfect man have in common? Here's a short story that might give you a clue.
A dear friend of mine has been a widow for some years and the poor lady feels quite lonely, in particular now that her children have grown up and left home. At sixty one years of age, she is despairing of ever finding love again.
So it was to everyone's surprise when she announced that she had found somebody. They met at a Halloween party and at first sight he made quite an impression. Fifty four years old, so she was delighted that he was a bit younger; six foot tall; slim and in very good shape; not only hadn't he lost any hair, but it was thick and blonde, with no sign of grey; he even had all his teeth, which were kept in good order.
However, beauty is of course, skin deep, so she interrogated him to find out what he was really made of. Working as a lawyer for a big, multinational company certainly scored big points in her book.
The very next night he invited her to dinner at one of the best restaurants in town. After a magical evening she suggested a moonlit stroll, admittedly with an ulterior motive - it would also give her the chance to take the dogs for a walk.
"Dogs?" he inquired.
"Yes, I've got two of them."
"Ah, it's just that I've never taken a dog for a walk before."
"Never? Come on, you're pulling my leg."
"No, seriously. It's just that I don't like dogs."
She closed the door on him, literally and figuratively. A blossoming relationship that wilted and died in little more than twenty four hours.
What do El Dorado, Atlantis and the perfect man have in common then? They are all myths - they've never been found.
For a romcom about judging books by their covers and discovering that you have to dig much deeper than first impressions to find Mr Right, check out the book, Loosely Translated. Maria is a Spanish translator who is so disgusted at the stupid book that she has to translate that she makes some "improvements". The problems start when the Spanish version becomes a bestseller and she meets her enemy, the English author, who might not be as bad as she thought. The story has love, laughs, a look at Spain and its culture that goes beyond bullfighting and flamenco, and of course, a couple of dogs. It will also appeal to anyone who has ever dreamed of writing a book.
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated on Amazon
A dear friend of mine has been a widow for some years and the poor lady feels quite lonely, in particular now that her children have grown up and left home. At sixty one years of age, she is despairing of ever finding love again.
So it was to everyone's surprise when she announced that she had found somebody. They met at a Halloween party and at first sight he made quite an impression. Fifty four years old, so she was delighted that he was a bit younger; six foot tall; slim and in very good shape; not only hadn't he lost any hair, but it was thick and blonde, with no sign of grey; he even had all his teeth, which were kept in good order.
However, beauty is of course, skin deep, so she interrogated him to find out what he was really made of. Working as a lawyer for a big, multinational company certainly scored big points in her book.
The very next night he invited her to dinner at one of the best restaurants in town. After a magical evening she suggested a moonlit stroll, admittedly with an ulterior motive - it would also give her the chance to take the dogs for a walk.
"Dogs?" he inquired.
"Yes, I've got two of them."
"Ah, it's just that I've never taken a dog for a walk before."
"Never? Come on, you're pulling my leg."
"No, seriously. It's just that I don't like dogs."
She closed the door on him, literally and figuratively. A blossoming relationship that wilted and died in little more than twenty four hours.
What do El Dorado, Atlantis and the perfect man have in common then? They are all myths - they've never been found.
For a romcom about judging books by their covers and discovering that you have to dig much deeper than first impressions to find Mr Right, check out the book, Loosely Translated. Maria is a Spanish translator who is so disgusted at the stupid book that she has to translate that she makes some "improvements". The problems start when the Spanish version becomes a bestseller and she meets her enemy, the English author, who might not be as bad as she thought. The story has love, laughs, a look at Spain and its culture that goes beyond bullfighting and flamenco, and of course, a couple of dogs. It will also appeal to anyone who has ever dreamed of writing a book.
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated on Amazon
October 5, 2014
UNSAVOURY SWEETS
The Spanish have got some great food. Maybe I'm just the adventurous type, but I love trying different things. Occasionally, though, the translation of certain foods might make you think twice.
Possibly I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but I never paid much attention to the French biscuits, Langues de chat - the flat, thin, oblong biscuits usually dipped in chocolate - until I came across the Spanish version, Lenguas de gato, which translates as Cats' tongues. Quite nice, as long as you keep an eye out for fur balls.
Brazos de gitano are Swiss rolls - or the more direct translation: Gypsies' arms. Huesos de santos are treats traditionally served on All Saints' Day - small rolls of marzipan with sugary egg yolk centres, which are much more digestible than their literal translation: Saints' bones.
In the realm of fruit, they don't come much sweeter than the melons called Piel de sapo. Not quite so appetising when you consider the name means Toad skin melon. No less harder to swallow would be the Huevo de toro ciruela, an oval-shaped plum, which looks, according to the translation, like a bull's nut, or to put it a little less vulgarly, (although it won't change its disconcerting image), a bull's testicle.
In case you think all Spanish food sounds dodgy, my favourite is Bienmesabe: Tastes good to me! A cross between a lemon meringue pie and a Bakewell tart, it has so many calories you would need to go to confession afterwards. Or do penance with a plate of Ropa vieja...old clothes.
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved".
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
Possibly I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but I never paid much attention to the French biscuits, Langues de chat - the flat, thin, oblong biscuits usually dipped in chocolate - until I came across the Spanish version, Lenguas de gato, which translates as Cats' tongues. Quite nice, as long as you keep an eye out for fur balls.
Brazos de gitano are Swiss rolls - or the more direct translation: Gypsies' arms. Huesos de santos are treats traditionally served on All Saints' Day - small rolls of marzipan with sugary egg yolk centres, which are much more digestible than their literal translation: Saints' bones.
In the realm of fruit, they don't come much sweeter than the melons called Piel de sapo. Not quite so appetising when you consider the name means Toad skin melon. No less harder to swallow would be the Huevo de toro ciruela, an oval-shaped plum, which looks, according to the translation, like a bull's nut, or to put it a little less vulgarly, (although it won't change its disconcerting image), a bull's testicle.
In case you think all Spanish food sounds dodgy, my favourite is Bienmesabe: Tastes good to me! A cross between a lemon meringue pie and a Bakewell tart, it has so many calories you would need to go to confession afterwards. Or do penance with a plate of Ropa vieja...old clothes.
For more creative translations, check out my romantic comedy, Loosely Translated, where a Spanish translator meets the author of the awful detective series that she has "improved".
If that sounds like your cup of tea, buy me a couple of beers - that's about how much the book costs, and you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping out an indie author. Cheers!
Loosely Translated at Amazon.com
October 4, 2014
SAVING BLOODTHIRSTY PANDAS
Quick as you can: what are pandas, herbivores or carnivores? And before you get too hasty in your reply, check out the teeth in the photo.
Although they primarily eat bamboo, they are originally meateaters.
Many years ago, pandas were the spoilt teenagers of the animal world. Their mothers would give them a hard time, telling them to run and catch a rabbit if they wanted something for dinner, and in typical adolescent fashion they replied, "Yeah, Mom, whatever." In the absence of microwave pizzas, (and microwaves for that matter), the pandas grabbed the nearest thing that came to hand - bamboo. Over the years they developed huge, fat butts, so now they couldn't chase after a rabbit even if they wanted to.
The problem is, pandas still retain a carnivore's digestive system, which is totally inadequate to digest fibrous, vegetable matter. They have to eat around 30 pounds of bamboo a day, since their intestines can only absorb about 20% of the food. The remaining 24 pounds must make hiking in panda country an icky pastime.
But seriously, this brings us to one of the principal reasons why pandas are in peril of extinction: land. Their home territory usually ranges from 1 1/2 - 2 1/2 square miles and presumably that would be based on how much food is available. The Adelaide Zoo in South Australia has two Giant Pandas, and to meet their dietary requirements the zoo has a 35 acre bamboo plantation.
Breeding programs are a waste of time and money if they do not have the land - and consequent food source - to support them in the wild. Hoping that pandas will go back to their carnivorous roots and develop a taste for Macdonalds is not the answer. Only by protecting their habitat can we save them.
For a fun kids' book about the importance of planting trees, check out The Last Tree. It shows how many creatures are dependent on trees for food, a home or shelter.
I have now converted it into a video, so follow the link to it on Youtube: The Last Tree on Youtube
También en español: El Último Árbol en Youtube
Although they primarily eat bamboo, they are originally meateaters.
Many years ago, pandas were the spoilt teenagers of the animal world. Their mothers would give them a hard time, telling them to run and catch a rabbit if they wanted something for dinner, and in typical adolescent fashion they replied, "Yeah, Mom, whatever." In the absence of microwave pizzas, (and microwaves for that matter), the pandas grabbed the nearest thing that came to hand - bamboo. Over the years they developed huge, fat butts, so now they couldn't chase after a rabbit even if they wanted to.
The problem is, pandas still retain a carnivore's digestive system, which is totally inadequate to digest fibrous, vegetable matter. They have to eat around 30 pounds of bamboo a day, since their intestines can only absorb about 20% of the food. The remaining 24 pounds must make hiking in panda country an icky pastime.
But seriously, this brings us to one of the principal reasons why pandas are in peril of extinction: land. Their home territory usually ranges from 1 1/2 - 2 1/2 square miles and presumably that would be based on how much food is available. The Adelaide Zoo in South Australia has two Giant Pandas, and to meet their dietary requirements the zoo has a 35 acre bamboo plantation.
Breeding programs are a waste of time and money if they do not have the land - and consequent food source - to support them in the wild. Hoping that pandas will go back to their carnivorous roots and develop a taste for Macdonalds is not the answer. Only by protecting their habitat can we save them.
For a fun kids' book about the importance of planting trees, check out The Last Tree. It shows how many creatures are dependent on trees for food, a home or shelter.
I have now converted it into a video, so follow the link to it on Youtube: The Last Tree on Youtube
También en español: El Último Árbol en Youtube
September 27, 2014
ONCE BITTEN, TWICE DIED
One of my daughters is a bit shy, so I was really happy that she was trying to socialise with a young boy about her age. Until he bit her.
By the time I got to her, the little kid had scampered off. The look on her face as it crumpled up, was not so much from the physical hurt, but the inability to understand that someone who she was trying to be friends with, would deliberately hurt her. I think there was a tiny part of both of us that died.
Maybe I'm just feeling tired and emotional today. Maybe I should get a grip and realise that it certainly won't be the first time that she'll get hurt. Maybe I should tell her to toughen up. Life's a bitch - get used to it. Welcome to the bull$#¡+.
Maybe I shouldn't be such a mean, horrible daddy and teach her forgiveness. Maybe she'll grow up to be a saint and forgive them the second, third and hundredth time she's bitten or hurt.
It was probably a fairly minor wound to her heart. It'll heal over. She'll forget it soon enough. I need to hope that the accumulation of scars won't harden her heart and turn her into a bitter, cynical adult.
Prevention is always better than cure. We need to teach our children right from the very start the importance of Matthew 7:12 - the often ignored or forgotten philosophy of "Be Nice".
This is taken from my facebook page, "Mean, Horrible Daddy", a (normally) fun look at parenthood from a father's less-than-rosy viewpoint.
Mean, Horrible Daddy
By the time I got to her, the little kid had scampered off. The look on her face as it crumpled up, was not so much from the physical hurt, but the inability to understand that someone who she was trying to be friends with, would deliberately hurt her. I think there was a tiny part of both of us that died.
Maybe I'm just feeling tired and emotional today. Maybe I should get a grip and realise that it certainly won't be the first time that she'll get hurt. Maybe I should tell her to toughen up. Life's a bitch - get used to it. Welcome to the bull$#¡+.
Maybe I shouldn't be such a mean, horrible daddy and teach her forgiveness. Maybe she'll grow up to be a saint and forgive them the second, third and hundredth time she's bitten or hurt.
It was probably a fairly minor wound to her heart. It'll heal over. She'll forget it soon enough. I need to hope that the accumulation of scars won't harden her heart and turn her into a bitter, cynical adult.
Prevention is always better than cure. We need to teach our children right from the very start the importance of Matthew 7:12 - the often ignored or forgotten philosophy of "Be Nice".
This is taken from my facebook page, "Mean, Horrible Daddy", a (normally) fun look at parenthood from a father's less-than-rosy viewpoint.
Mean, Horrible Daddy
Simon Hugh Wheeler's Blog
The Mental Meanderings of a Struggling Writer
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