Elizabeth Bourgeret's Blog, page 7

Daddy's Girl Photo Shoot

Let me apologize for taking so long to get this up!  It has been pretty crazy around here, and ever since I got home from the St. Louis photo shoot, I have not been able to get back into the groove of things!  It feels like things are just all out of whack and unfamiliar!  So, sorry for the delay! 

This photo shoot was a series of new challenges for me!  New locations, a whole bunch of moving parts, borrowing classic cars, invading private homes, travel, getting my beautiful, yet shy grand-girl to bond (on camera, at least) with a total stranger... oh my....  I only had one shot to get everything together and pull it off.

My first pitfall, my nephew, was going to be the "Daddy" for the photos... well, he up and got himself transferred to Texas... (I know! How rude! Lol!)  Then, my make-up artist canceled on me.  Then my favoritest-favorite photographer had to cancel.  My daughter took forever to confirm if my Loralie was going to be the "Daddy's Girl".  The chance for rain was high.  The guys in charge of the classic cars forgot I was coming... To say that I was a little stressed was an understatement.

But God has a funny way of working things out.

Enter Darin Shanks.  I had picked this man's brain for details about Harley Davidson's for the book.  I had gone to the St. Charles, MO location and he was kind enough to to answer all of my questions, and even participate in my "what-if" scenarios!  It was truly one of my favorite interviews! I hated to leave!!  I had never seen him outside of the shop and really had no idea of what his personal character was like.  Had no idea of his personal life, but when my nephew couldn't participate, Darin was the one I thought of.  Don't ask me why, but it turned out that he was the perfect choice!!
He rode up to the shoot on a beautiful 2009 Harley CVO Springer Softail (that was used in the photos) and he was SO AMAZING with my grand-girl!!  He was patient and made her feel comfortable and even made her laugh.  Turns out that he has daughters of his own and that he does work on cars and motorcycles so he was comfortable in every situation I threw at him!!  He was a Godsend.  I am so grateful that he was brave enough to come and talk to me that day at the shop!  (And yes, I had to promise that when I buy my Harley, it will be from him!  ... It could happen!!)

Next, Angie Sexton saved my bacon!!  My very, very dear friend was getting married on my same trip to St. Louis, and she volunteered her photographer for me to use on this photo shoot.  Angie had been a photographer for years and I had seen her work in the past, but this photo shoot was a little out of her comfort zone.  (How do I always manage to do that to people!? Lol!)  But, she rose to the occasion and produced some beautiful shots!  I loved her use of angles and unique perspectives on the "usuals".  (She even got Darin to lift me over his shoulder!!)  I enjoyed working with her and she too, was so very patient with my Loralie.  She took shots where she could and if we needed to take a break to "re-group" she was cool with that as well!  I am very pleased with the way things turned out!

The family of classic car owners came through and went above and beyond to make sure the photo shoot was successful!  The Rowlett boys, (Gary, Steve and Jordan) provided the beautiful Mustang, Model-T and Chevy Truck and Steve actually provided his driveway and garage!!  A big and special thank you to you guys!! But, I also have to say an  extra special thank you to Barb Rowlett.  Not only did we use her's and Gary's beautiful Mustang GT (which they cleaned and polished all pretty for me!) but she "found" every additional prop that I forgot and opened up her home to bathroom breaks and costume changes!  She and Gary even invited me over for a beer (read: water) after the shoot.  I felt very loved.

And finally, I need to thank my oldest daughter, Sarah, for allowing me the time to spend with my beautiful grand-girl, Loralie.  I hadn't seen her in so long and I just couldn't get enough of her.  When they are out of your sight, it seems they grow the fastest and this was no exception.  I was worried that we might have lost our connection, but it was a needless worry.  No matter how far apart we are or how often I am allowed to see her, she knows that I love her and nothing will change that.  I soaked up my Loralie time like nobody's business!!  I asked Angie to take lots of pictures of us together just in case it's a long span before we get to see each other again.  And she did.  I couldn't be happier.
Loralie was a trooper.  She did everything that was asked of her and put in a loooong shift!!  She's a natural!  She bonded with both Darin and Angie and you can really see it in the pictures.

And finally... the photos...  You will notice, that it is rare that you see their faces in many of the shots.  I did that on purpose because, when you are reading, Daddy's Girl, I didn't want to taint your "image" of what James or Danni looked like.  But the "emotion" I was shooting for, came through perfectly as you will see.  So without further ado... here's some of the highlights from the Daddy's Girl Photo Shoot! After Loralie and Darin were "released" for the day, Angie and I set about working on getting the perfect Author photo.  I wanted the whole "pin-up" theme to tie in with the classic cars and I think we got pretty close... They didn't turn out too bad for someone who is... uh... older.  Lol!

Anyway, we had a really great day for it and I had a lot of fun!  Oh yeah, plus we achieved our goal!  Thank you again and again for all who were involved.  I appreciate you SO VERY MUCH!!!

If you haven't read the synopsis for Daddy's Girl as yet, click here... Daddy's Girl, by Elizabeth Bourgeret
released on June 16th!!
The wait for the next addition to the "Bakersfield Series" is just about over!!

Blame It On Any 'Ol Thing

I got my first piece of hate mail...

Don't get me wrong, I've gotten "dislike" mail before.  If someone didn't like one of my books or had a differing, intelligent opinion, I've gotten those...

But this one was an all in, all out hate mail.  It was a personal attack.

My first reaction was defensive, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS???
Then I went to sad, Why would he say those things?  That's so mean!
Of course, the insecurities kicked in, Maybe he's right.  Maybe I shouldn't be advising people.  After all, what do I know?  I'm nobody special...

Luckily, my brain took over at that point and shut my sensitive heart down!

The long and short of it was that he was blaming me for his girlfriend leaving him.  "Because of you, I lost my best friend and lover".  That was probably the nicest thing he said in the whole context of the email.  The rest was hateful....  

Blame is everyone's first response to pain.  We automatically look for an outside source that we can pin the hurt on to help us deal with it.  But things can never reach a solution until we go back and see what our part of the problem was and take responsibility for it.  It is not an easy thing to do, but blaming will keep you in the EXACT same place that you are right now.

He went on to say that I was filling her head with stuff like "she deserves better" and that sometimes we "have to be alone until we figure out what is right for us". 

Yeah... sounds like something I would say. 

Honestly, I don't know specifically who this former couple is but I am thinking that she probably did the right thing by leaving.  Because at no point of his rant did he mention that he loved her or was willing to make any changes to win her back.  It was all about how his life is miserable without her.  That's not love.  That's inconvenience. 

While this hateful letter was meant to (most likely) tear me down, make me quiet down or maybe even stop what I'm doing, but I'm afraid it did a few things in the opposite direction.  This is what I have learned from this act of dominant hate:

- While it was probably very difficult for her to leave, she was able to because someone out there gave her the courage to believe in herself.  If that was me, I am honored.
- I am doing the right thing.  The things that I write are not unique or brilliant, but they are written in a way that the words I write may resonate with some but not others.  What I write and how I write is important to someone, somewhere.  And if I am helping even one person, I'm doing the right thing.
- I am becoming a worthy opponent.  The Devil is passive until you become a threat and then he begins his attacks.  I must be doing something right to get him to turn his attentions to my humble writings.  It's okay.  I have the Light on my side and it continues to shine down the path I am supposed to be on.  (I just have to work on getting a thicker skin!)
- And the writer of the email, you can blame her leaving on any 'ol thing you want to, but the bottom line is:  She would have NEVER left you, if you had been treating her right.

Women (in general) are more forgiving.  They often give more chances than are healthy.  They see the beauty in you and hope and pray it comes to the surface and often stay longer than they should to see it happen.  They want and need the security of commitment... It's how we are built.  (I know there are exceptions and that is fine, but even the most independent woman want to be needed)

And dear writer of the email that launched an entire blog post-
I don't know if your heart is really broken because she left, or just your pride but here are a few words that I hope will heal your heart.  
-I'm am sure that she still loves you and left you unwillingly.  From your words, it sounds as if she had to convince herself to step away from the relationship.  So, she didn't leave you because she loves you any less.
-I'm also pretty sure she didn't leave you for someone else.  She left to save herself.  If she DID go to someone else, I can guarantee that it has been building for some time and you just didn't notice that someone else had been giving her the things you were not.
-And finally, if you are unwilling to change or at the very least SEE that you need to change, please, let her go.  Don't call her.  Don't text her.  Don't show up at her job.  Don't be her friend on Facebook.  Don't try and "just be friends".  If you're aren't going to step up to the plate and give her your everything- then give her nothing.  Let her go.  Let her heal.
-I don't say these things to be cruel,  but there is something missing from your relationship and until you find out what that is, she is hurting.  And if you love her that should inspire you to do everything in your power to lesson that.  Even if that means walking away.  If you want to win her back- become the man she SEES in you.  But don't woo her back if you're just going to be the same person that hurt her in the first place.  Please. 

Love is trying to figure out what things you did and CHANGING them because it wasn't working.  Love is ALWAYS about the other person.  You get love by giving it away.  Simple as that.

I'm glad we've had this little talk... I feel much better.  

Genesis 50:20

Stay...

I get lots of email about relationships.  Everyone wants to find true love or break away from an "abusive" relationship.  So, most of my posts try to help you in your search.  But I thought I might try a different approach today.  What if you saw your mate, the one you're already in a relationship with, in a fresh light?  We are all so busy looking for the "red flags" that we miss seeing the wonderful.  I think sometimes we throw away perfectly good relationships in search of the mysterious "something better".  

If you are gathering up the evidence that your relationship is headed South, then you already have one foot out the door... What you look for, you will find.  So, if you're looking for evidence of his being unfaithful, for instance, you brain WILL find something.  You'll second guess everything he ever says.  You'll assume every female in his life is a potential marital saboteur.  You'll question his every motive until you have indeed convinced yourself that he must have cheated.  "Look at all this evidence I found!"  But perhaps, could I implore you to maybe look for reasons to... stay.


Today, let's look on your partner with eyes of love and see if any of these reasons apply to you.
(I've written this for both sides of the couple, but I'm going to write if from a female perspective and use the "he" pronoun for simplicity sake. )


- You can sit together in silence and do nothing in particular and still be perfectly happy in each other's company.

-You know that arguments are not necessarily deal breakers.  It's never easy to confront a situation but you know that you are safe and loved enough to bring your issues to the table to talk them out.  Problems will be worked out and not ignored, belittled or dismissed.  

-He accepts you for who you are, blemishes and all.  He accepts your kind of crazy and doesn't judge you!  Go ahead and give in to that urge to get tacos late at night!  He lets you watch all the award shows you want.  He knows you're going to put your cold feet on his warm skin... and he LETS you!

-He is real with you.  He's opened himself up so you could see his soul.  He trusts you with his yesterdays and his tomorrows.

- You guys have future plans!  It's on the calendar!  

-Your heart still flutters when you see his name on your phone.

-You love hanging out with him.  You just enjoy his company.  You never run out of things to talk about and he makes you laugh.  Whether it's something big like vacations or something small like folding laundry.  You can't think of anyone else you'd rather fold your sheets with! 

-Physical intimacy.  He KNOWS you and knows your body and knows what you love and knows how to wake you up in the morning, and knows that a kiss or a touch can mean so much.  He can speak to you with a simple touch.

-Trust.  This is the person you can trust with your feelings, your secrets, your ambitions, your fears, with your whole being.  You can go to him with anything and he will not betray that trust by judging you or not giving you the benefit of the doubt, or his undivided attention.  He believes in you.  Your conversations belong to you.  

-He remembers the little things.  Your birthday.  That your favorite ice-cream is coffee and it's your reward to yourself.  That you need quiet time to regroup.  How you take your coffee in the morning... and makes it for you.  That daffodils are your favoritist-favorite flower.  That you don't like onions on your burgers... the little things.

-He shows up.  He is there for you, supporting you and encouraging you.  He's the one on the side-lines saying, "Yep, that's MY girl! Isn't she amazing?"  He is by your side during times of trouble or even during that stupid Christmas party you're going to make him go to.

-Your families have blended.  Your family accepts him as part of your life and his family loves you too.

-He says "I love you." ... and means it.  
(and says it on his own!  Not just "love you too"!)

-He knows you need best-friend time.

-He touches you when he passes by.  He kisses your neck.  He holds your hand.  He rests his hand on your leg while he's driving.  He kisses you hello.  He kisses you good-bye.  He kisses you good-night.

-You are a priority.  He carves time out of his life for you.  No matter what. Even if he has to work seventy-two hours that week, he makes time to shoot you a text with a kissy-face emoticon.

-He respects you.

-You're comfortable.  You can read each other's moods.  You have that perfect secret language.  You can sing off-key in the shower.  He can dance in his boxers.  He can talk baby-talk to the dog.  He knows what you look like without make-up on and lounging in sweats and loves you anyway.

-You are not a secret.  He is proud to have you in his life.  You are not a second choice.

-He always texts you back.

-He is faithful to you.  He never gives you reason to doubt.  He doesn't flirt on Facebook, or text with other women or exes.  He is open and honest about the relationships he has with women, (friendships, co-workers, etc.) No secrets.

-He would protect you if bad guys ever broke in.

-You miss him when he's not around... even if you're mad.

-That way he looks at you...

-He loves you.  He really loves you... even when he's mad.


So... now see there?  Isn't he wonderful??  How could you even THINK about leaving this person???
Sometimes couples have been together for such a long time that they forget to see all the reasons WHY they have been together for so long!
Time invested.  Love invested.
Don't let your relationship- your perfectly good relationship- slip into boring and a mundane passing of time.  Find that spark again, don't take your love for granted and make sure he knows that you think he is the perfect one for you.  (And tell him the reasons too!)


And if there IS a bit of turbulence in the relationship, just look over the above list again and this time, make the list happen.  Be those things, do those things and you'll be the wonderful person from that list.


Start today.  Take a closer look at your relationship and see all the reasons you should stay together.  If you spend the time to forever "woo" your love, you will be in love forever.

Change Your Perspective

I am so happy.  Even though I have to work Every. Single. Day in a job that I hate.  (for now!)  I am happy.  On my way to work, I pass palm trees and spooky trees (you might call them Live Oaks with Spanish Moss dangling from them) and beautiful bays of salty water.  The air is warm and the sky is blue.

If I chose... I could focus on my long hours every. Single. Day.  The pain in my hands and back and feet.  People missing from my life.  Poor tipping habits and fussy co-workers.

Both sets of events are happening in my life on a daily basis.  Which outlook do think I should choose?  

Every morning, when we wake up we make the choice in how we are going to face our day.  It's a lot harder to get sucked into a bad mood when you start your day with a positive attitude.  

I know life isn't all sunshine and roses.  I don't pretend that it is, but everyone has bad things happen to them.  The one's that come out ahead are the ones who choose to face it with a glass half full kind of attitude.  You could, if you wanted to, stew over the event, or action and let it ferment inside you and sour your point of view and double the pain in your back or knees and see the world as a darker place... or you can know, that this to shall pass.  Get past it.  Don't let things defeat you!  Change your perspective!  

On the days that the sun doesn't shine and the world really is dark and gloomy, all I have to do is close my eyes and think on things that make me happy.  I find my sunshine in my grandchildren's faces.  The ocean waves coming into shore.  It's always there, sometimes I have to search a bit for it.  But I always find it.

So much with how we solve problems is how we react to them.  Change your perspective.  There's a saying out there that says Looking back, I've survived with 100% success all the days so far, so that's a pretty good track record.  I love that!!

I promise you, I am not always happy and bouncing off the walls.  Most days, I'm pretty quiet and reflective.  But I am no less happy that I woke up this morning.  

Here's a few tips that might help change your perspective as you go through your days....

-Take a step back.  Look at the bigger picture.  How is this going to affect you in 10 years?  5 years? 5 months? 5 days?  There is some serious stuff going on out there in the world today.  Whatever my little problems are, they don't even measure up to what other's have to deal with.  

- Literally, change your perspective.  Look at the world, the room, the office, the car in a different way.  Lay on the ground and look up.  Climb to a higher space and look down.  Stand on your head.  Close one eye.  Walk on your knees.  Suddenly, things look so different!  Your eye catches things it would have never seen otherwise.

- Remind yourself that "failure" is just a learning curve.  We all go through trials to make us stronger.  What can you learn from this set back?

- Every day, is a new day.  Be thankful that you woke up!  The day is already looking better!  Yesterday is gone.  It's not coming back.  Let the events from yesterday go with it.  Today, you can choose to start of happy or sad.  Fearful or triumphant.  The choice really is yours.  (Don't believe me?  Try it out for a week. You'll be amazed and think I'm really awesome!)

- Remind yourself that everyone is afraid of something.  Has lost something. and loves something.  We don't know what another person is going through... so if they come at you with a foul attitude, respond with kindness... always.  

- This too shall pass.  It's just another "day in the life".  When we're looking back on our lives we may not even remember these trials.  Or we may look back and realize the strength it took you to get past it.  But don't let it show that this is where you gave up.  Don't let your circumstances defeat you.  This too shall pass.

- Everyone... let me say that again.... EVERYONE who now has the sun on their face has been through the shadows.  No one escapes hard times.  They come in different forms and they come at different times and the devil is relentless, but the sunshine is just around the corner, I promise.  

Even when I get to work, I may get knocked down a notch or two, my smile may fade a little as the day or memories ware away at me, but then... on my way home... I pass palm trees and spooky trees and beautiful bays of salty water and when I open the door to my home, my big black dog is there and she thinks I am the greatest thing ever.

So, if your days are dark and gloomy, perhaps you need to look at the other side of the street.  There IS some sunshine SOMEWHERE.  You just have to find it.  Life is too short to be miserable.  Find your sunshine and blue salty water... change your perspective.

What Do You Want?

It seems like a simple enough question.  What do you want?  

I now live on an island.  Everyday if I drive more that a few miles, I will inevitably go over a bridge.  Looking over the edge of that bridge knowing that the ocean is just a bit away, fills me with joy.  Seeing the sunshine bounce off those beautiful blue waves just... does something for me.  Simple right?  It was a need that I didn't know I had.  This time last year, I had to ask myself that question.  What do I want?  What do I REALLY want?  All I knew was that I was cold, and didn't like it.  But I didn't know what it was, specifically, that I wanted that would make me happy.

And when you first ask it a whole bunch of "superficial" answers come up.  I want cake.  I want a million dollars.  I want that new dress.  I want to travel the world.  I want, I want, I want...  and then, if you keep at it, you dig a little deeper.

I want more time with my children.  I want to sleep peacefully at night.  I want to live in a warmer climate.  I want to write and write and write...  and yes, if you keep going, it gets deeper still. You start to realize those deeper needs; the important ones that get glossed over as we push through our daily routines.  

It's hard to look in the mirror and realize that you are not where you want to be.   But you can't change that, until you know what you want.  So I offer this exercise up to you.

Take out a sheet of paper and write.  I WANT...
Then, set a timer for three minutes and write.  Write everything you want.  Even if it seems outrageous.  Even if it seems selfish.  Even if it seems impossible.  Write.  Don't pick up your pen from the paper until the timer goes off.  Don't worry about being descriptive or specific or spelling or what anyone else might think.  This is for you.  Write.

If you get stuck, answer these questions, but keep writing.
Where do you want your finances to be?  Where do you want to be health-wise?  Who do you want to be with?  What items do you want?  Where do you want to live?  What do you want to own?  How do you want to spend your day?  What do you want to do to earn an income?  How do you want to spend your down time?

Dig deeper.  How do you want to give back?  How do you want to continue to grow?  How do you want to be remembered?  How do you want to affect others in your life?  How can you show love to others?

When you have finished, choose the top ten things that matter the most to you and re-write them on another clean sheet of paper.  This time around, we are looking for balance.  Find at least one thing in each category.  Finances, relationships, recreation, health, career etc...

You can't find happiness if you don't know what it is.  It's like trying to hit a target that you know is "out there" but you just can't see it.  Bring it in to focus.  Once your brain knows what it is looking for, it will switch gears to try and get it for you.  (You have to take the steps to get there, of course...)  But the brain will start thinking of ways to get you what you want.

I believe that our purpose here on earth is simple.  We are here to give back.  Whatever gains you have been blessed with, give some back.  I'm not just talking about finances.  Giving of your time, your knowledge, your resources, your love... give what you have and it will be returned to you ten-fold.  I know this to be true for a fact.

And the other thing, how do you want to grow?  I believe that if you get all the best "toys" and are living the biggest house, it will never be enough until you find balance.  And part of finding balance is to make sure you're always growing.  Learn new things, see new places, meet new people, strive to become a better you.  

Okay... sorry, back to the exercise.  

Take your ten things in your various categories and write a sentence or two about WHY you want these things. Unveil your heart.  Again, this is only for you.  Why do you want your top ten list?  Your brain functions on reason more than want.  So write down the reasons you put this on your top ten.  (It would be helpful if you write down more than "just cause".  -Can you tell I'm used to working with teenagers? Lol!)

Then, when do you want them.  Write a time line for each of the ten items. (You might need to be a little more realistic on this one.  If you want a million dollars, it might need a bit more time to show up than 24 hours!)

And then, read your list.  Every day.  Every night before you go to bed.  Keep those things in your mind.  And slowly check them off when they come into your life. (Then replace them with new things!)

Yes. Yes.  A lot more goes into getting what you want other than making a list.  But first thing before all else... you have to know what you want.
So, just for fun. Take a few moments and spend them on yourself and discover what it is that you want.

Some things you may realize that you already have in your life but have perhaps taken them for granted.  This is the time to freshen up or take a new look at what's around you.  Maybe you don't want things to change too much, but you just have to love (or find new ways to love) what/who you have a little more.

I knew I needed a different life, but I didn't know what.  It wasn't until I saw that I really needed to do some major changing to clean out the toxicity in my life, that I could make those changes.  And I did.  I see the ocean (or at least arms of it) every day.  It was one of those things I wanted.  Really wanted.  And I am happier for it.

I check my list everyday and am pleased to say that I cross things off and replace them with new items all the time.  It works to corral your focus and really get what you want.  

So let me ask you... What do you want?

(Did somebody say cake?)

Listen First

Good, long lasting communication begins with listening.  I know.  It doesn't sound right.  When we think of communicating we think of talking. When actually, communicating is the art of making your heart be known to your partner.  Understanding and receiving the information that your partner is trying to give you.

Many times in this dance of making ourselves heard, we seldom take the time to listen, to hear with our hearts.  A lot of our time talking we "pretend" to listen until there's a gap when it's our turn to talk again.  So, we're not really "hearing" the other person, we are preparing our next speech.  Therefore... things do not get communicated, conflicts to not get solved, hurts do not get healed.

Other times, we so want to help the person who has come to us in their time of need that our minds drifts to ways we can "fix" their situation.  We jump to conclusions at the first hint we hear of a fixable problem and tune out the emotion that lies underneath.

True understanding of what another person is saying does not happen until FEELINGS are conveyed.  When you truly "listen" for the emotion that your someone is trying to tell you, they will feel more understood, cared for and safe and you will be better able to help them, if that's indeed what they are searching for.  You'll find that if you gloss over this very important part of communication, the same disagreements or conflicts will continue to come up over and over again, because whether they realize it or not, their underlying issue has not been met.  

Many times it's not just words.  Sometimes we can't convey our emotions and we sputter out words we don't necessarily mean.  This is where your heart listening skills will become imperative.  You are looking for the emotion behind the words.  Listening for the heart of the matter.

Women especially are likely to come at their partners with words.  Lots of words and can leave a man baffled at what she is really wanting.  Sometimes we're not even sure, we just know that something isn't right.

Men are usually the "fixers".  Skip the emotion- let's get to the fixing it part so we can call it a day.  A lot of men don't seek verbal acknowledgement of things that are troubling them, they like to think that their partner will figure it out.  (Hint: We are not mind-readers as much as we may pretend to be!)

So, here's a few hints to help resolve conflicts that might come up by using this skill we all have ( even if it might be a little dusty) called: listening...

- Listen for "feeling" words. Words like: hurt, sad, angry, ignored, helpless, happy, scared, insecure... for example.  Those are usually the root of the issue.  If you haven't learned to speak your emotion with "feeling" words, that would help a great deal.  But a lot of times, they do happen to slip out so listen for them.

- Allow their emotion to reach your heart.  It might sound odd at first, but if you can learn to empathize, you will be able to help your partner so much more.  When you allow the emotion to touch your own heart, it will be easier to come up with a solution.  See where your partner is coming from.

- Don't rush to "fix" anything at first.  Just listen.  If we don't become aware of the underlying issue, we could be working on fixing the wrong things.  Take a moment.  Hear them out.  Don't talk over them and wait until they run out of words.

- By letting your partner know that you are truly and wholeheartedly interested in finding the source of the problem, they will feel more secure.  By listening, they know you are willing to listen, they are more likely to trust and take the emotion down a notch, so that healing can actually begin without "walls" in the way.

- Don't judge.  Don't belittle.  Don't jump to conclusions.  Don't be defensive.  Just listen.  You'll get your turn.  When you develop a relationship that allows you to feel secure to come to each other with problems or conflicts knowing that they will still love you even if you have issues to work out, will make your relationship stronger than you ever thought possible.

Effective communication, is one of the core values of a healthy relationship.  We are all going to have conflict or feel troubled.  It is important that your partner be there for you and vice versa.  Be willing to listen, be comfortable sharing and give your partner the security of being in a trusted, safe, unconditionally loved place.

When To Say, "I'm Sorry..."

Every couple is going to have disagreements, arguments and maybe even a few knock down drag outs, and all will be well, but I promise you, there will be times when a line has been crossed and your only way to mend the wound is by offering an apology.


Why is "I'm Sorry" so hard for some people to say?

I'm pretty sure it's a pride thing.  When you are willing apologize to someone, you first have to admit that you did something wrong.  And who likes to do that?  Next, you have to put your partner's feelings above your own, and acknowledge that you have caused harm.  A humbling task.
Pride is a powerful thing to set down.  But if you continually:
-pretend that an offense never happened
-get defensive
-downplay the hurt
-refuse to take ownership of the infraction
-avoid communicating (with the intent of resolution)
... then pride will destroy your trust, intimacy and may even destroy the relationship itself.

Don't let pride steal the intimacy from your relationship.  Allow yourself to be vulnerable to the fact that you just might be at fault.  

Avoiding the conversation is not the same thing as resolving it!!  By pretending the offense never happened will do far more damage in the long run.  You may be able to distract your partner a time or two or charm them into forgetting the offense this time, but believe me, it will catch up to you.  No amount of charm or chocolates are going to save you now!!

So go ahead.  Do the deed.  Don't put it off any longer.  Take responsibility for hurting your partner's feelings and do what needs to be done to salve it.  Not sure how to go about it? 
Here are a few tips:

- Just start by saying it.  I'm sorry.  (That will get their attention!) But don't stop there...
-address the problem (I'm sorry for...)  Let your partner know that you are acknowledging the unhappy emotions you caused.  This, usually means more than anything else you can say.  Try to identify with your partner's feelings.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to your partner.  Don't argue your point, use this as a chance to try and understand.
-really make an effort to say and show how you are going to change in the future in case a similar situation arises.  What's the point of apologizing if you have no intention to change? Make sure your partner knows you regret causing the pain and that you sincerely want to work toward a resolution.
-ask for forgiveness.  These words are truly humbling and powerful.  By asking for forgiveness, it shows that you are choosing to start again with different behaviors.  It encourages trust.  
-do what you say.  Trust grows when you demonstrate the changes in your actions and behaviors that will benefit the relationship.

When NOT to say "I'm sorry"
-when you don't mean it anyway and you're just trying to "move things along".
-not every conflict requires an apology- just be sensitive to times when you know you have crossed the line.  You'll know.  You'll feel it.  And if you don't, the silence will usually let you know.
-if you're just going to deflect it.  (When you actually turn the offense back on your partner- guilt)  "I'm sorry if you think...." or "I wouldn't have ____ if you hadn't ___" "It's not my fault if you took it that way..."
-if you're just going to take your partner down with you.  "I'm sorry, but remember that time when you did ___ to me?"
-and worst of all, if you're just going to repeat the same offense time and again.


Sometimes it may take a few hours or maybe even a few days before the emotions settle down and you can discuss the offense with your partner.  Take that breath.  Don't storm off or slam doors, just let them know you need a break.  This is not the opportunity to hope they "forget about it".  If you want to make things right, you're eventually going to have to address it.  Just do it, and get back to loving.

Sometimes it may take a while to be forgiven.  And that is their right.  If you hurt some one and they need time to grieve, allow them that time.  And when they do come to accept your apology, be gracious.  Don't hold a grudge or get defensive, allow for reconciliation.  

I hope this helps.  Too many relationships are being slowly shifted a part because of the pride that blocks the apology.  We all make mistakes.  Take the responsibility to own up to yours.  Make things right, make the changes and grow closer together.


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ADD-

Water... I've decided that water inspires me.  I do some of my best writing and creating when I am near or in water.  I love being beside the drifting river or watching the waves come in to shore.  It is calming to me.  It releases the creative juices.  But it doesn't have to be big bodies of water... my sister bought me one of those small, indoor fountains that were all the rage for a minute there... I used that thing all the time until the motor calcified on me.  Sad day.  (Hey, I didn't know...) Anyway, I find the same creativity from watching or listening to that and even more so, it the shower or the bathtub.

No, I'm not even kidding.  I compose chapters, new stories, blog posts and all kinds of things while the hot water runs over me or I am just sitting there soaking.  However...

And this is where the A.D.D. part comes in.  (and you thought this was going to be a post about water!)

By the time I am finished with my shower or bath, have gotten dried off and dressed, I have completely forgotten all I have "written" in my head.  First of all, I usually get distracted and never make it to my computer or notebook and if I diligently go straight to my computer (even in a bath towel)  I sit there and stare at the screen unable to compose so beautifully as I did while sopping wet.

If only I could think of a way to compose WHILE in the shower or tub, but that doesn't seem to work.  My daughter, a brilliant author in her own right has somehow figured out how to put her thoughts on her phone while still in the shower. (Apparently water affects her creativity as well... must be in the genes...)  But I would surely drop it, or drown it, or something bad would happen.

I think the reason it works is because your brain has free reign.  There is nothing else distracting me but maybe soap... and that can certainly be postponed if a good thought process is happening.  As long as I don't run out of hot water, my brain is happy to create in many directions.  I wish I had the wherewithal to get it all down on paper before I was distracted.  I can only imagine the number of books and blogs that will never been seen because I have attention deficit disorder...

What Love Isn't...

Photo by Joseph Felps Ahh, the month of l'amour... (read in a very thick French accent)  Love is everywhere.  Flowers, gifts, cards, wedding proposals... February creates the feeling of passion, romance and long lasting love.  

I don't want to be the one to pop your shiny helium balloon or anything, 'cause I'll be the first one to go all crazy for Valentine's Day, but just because it is the month that invokes the spirit of love... does not mean that love is what you are feeling!!  

Sadly, I am here to tell you what Love. Is. Not.
And it breaks my heart to do so, because I want everyone who wants it to feel those butterflies and goosebumps of love.  I want everyone to find that special someone that will stay with them forever- through thick and thin, good times and bad, fat days and skinny days, and all that stuff.  But just because it is Valentine's Day does not make it so...

A client of mine had recently gotten away from an abusive relationship.  He was both physically and emotionally abusive.  He was her addiction.  But she finally broke free and moved back in with family for support.  She started going to church and became an active participant.  Through our sessions she began to realize the destructive behavior and how it impacted her life and the lives of her children.  She began to see that maybe this wasn't love, because love doesn't do those terrible things and cause pain to each other.  Love only lifts you up.  Love never tears you down or manipulates.

She had cut off communication and went out of her way to avoid seeing him and took this time to concentrate on healing.  She had to realize that she could live without him, that she was addicted to him lustfully, and that she did not deserve to be treated in such a harmful, manipulative way.

Enter Valentine's Day.  In walks Mr. Wonderful with a bouquet of flowers and a shiny helium balloon... oh, and one more thing... a ring.  My client went blind, deaf and dumb but still managed to accept his proposal. 

"He said he was going to change.  The Lord told me to forgive him.  If I am supposed to be a good Christian, I should give him another chance.  He loves me."

I was speechless.  She was in her moment of euphoria so, she wouldn't hear a word I said, so... I'm saying it to you.

What Love Is Not....

Forgiveness.  Yes Forgive.  Yes, always forgive.  Because forgiveness is more for you than the other person.  It allows you to heal and move forward and not give others control over your emotions.  Yes, forgive.  Even in the hardest, most painful of circumstances... forgive.  But forgiving is not forgetting.  Saying that, hear this- Just because you forgive does not mean that they should stay in your life.  Let me say that again.  Just because you forgive someone, does not mean they still belong in your life!  Not all relationships are meant to last forever especially if they are abusive.  You are not being a loving, forgiving person if you allow someone back into your life that is going to continue the same behavior.  You know why?  You are not loving yourself!  That is unhealthy!!  You deserve better!!  Yes, people can change, but if this is the twelfth time you've forgiven and tried over... chances are, no change is going to take place.  You've already proven to them that you will take them back no. matter. what.  That is not love.  To allow yourself to be treated anything less that amazing... that is not love.

Actions speak louder than words.  Just because they say it, doesn't mean their behavior backs up their words.  Sometimes we want to hear those words so badly that we tend to turn a blind eye to bad behavior.  People can only be artificial for so long.  Eventually their real, true self will come to the surface.  You know it.  You see it... but you chose not to.  Those three little words are magic.  But if the way they treat you and others contradicts those beautiful words, see it and believe it.  It is not love.

Being taken advantage of is not love.  When you are someone's second choice, and not their priority, that is not love.  If they wait to find out if there are any other offers besides yours before they give you a commitment, that is being taken advantage of.  And if you are willing to drop your plans because they called at the last minute, you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.  If they can't put your first, get out of their way.  You deserve someone that will be into the relationship just as much as you.  

If you have to try to convince someone to love you... they are not for you.  You don't match.  It's not necessarily a bad thing!  Not everyone is going to get along with everyone else!  Don't try to force love.  Don't look for things that aren't there.  Don't try and change someone into your idea of the ideal mate because you will only be hurt in the end.  Love is not forced.  You shouldn't have to try so hard to make a relationship work.  If there isn't a foundation that you can build on, that is not love.

Disrespect is not love.  When someone realizes that they pretty much have a green light to do whatever they want, because you'll always take them back they will continue to respect you less and less.  They will wear down your standards; coerce you to have you bend your belief system.  They aren't as afraid of losing you as you are of them.  When someone disrespects you, it is better to remove yourself from that person.  They will never suddenly see your worth.  And if you continually drop your standards ("yes, he cheated, but I know he was sorry") they will continually cross that new line.  And soon, you will feel shallow and empty waiting for them to love you the way you imagined they would.  Let them go.

Love is never hateful.  Or abusive.  Or harmful.  If someone lays a heavy hand on you.  That is not love.  They may think they love you, they may  honestly believe they love you, but love is not designed to hurt.  More likely than not, it is an addiction.  Addictions are possessive, love is freeing.  If someone loves you, they would never, ever want to see you in pain.  If they love you, they will not cheat on you. No exceptions.  If they love you, they will not leave you.  If they love you, they will let you know.  You won't have to wonder.  If they love you, they will have your best interest at heart.  You won't have to force them to want to be with you.

Walking away isn't easy.  We all want love.  We want to feel the joy of love and sometimes we think that if we just keep trying, we can love someone enough for both people.  That is not love.  And when you keep trying and keep trying waiting for a different outcome, you only sink deeper and deeper into that loveless hole.  They are not going to change.  So you either have to tolerate their behavior or walk away, loving yourself enough to start again.  I vote for the loving yourself option.  The right one IS out there, when you are ready.  But you can't really give yourself to someone else to love, when the love is not already there within you.    

Don't settle for anyone just to have a someone.  That... is not love.  Be patient.  Take care of you.  Do what you need to do so that when love comes along, you'll be ready.  You'll recognize it for what it is... and what it isn't.

The Difference Is In The Details

When I put together the book Pillow Talk, it was, at first, because my publisher said to "hurry and get something else out there" to keep my name in everyone's peripheral vision, with the success of Captive Heart.

I was just finishing up my relational coaching education and truly, truly believe that communication is vital for every and all relationships be it romantic, work-related, family or friendships.  I did want to have a presence on the non-fiction lists as well so I put my mind to it.  What could I come up with quickly and still fall under the above parameters?

I put together lists and lists of questions and surveyed lists and lists of people to find out what makes them tick.  Did a little more research to find out that the best (but usually wasted) time to really communicate with your mate was those few minutes before you fall asleep... and well, Pillow Talk was born.

And yes, it was literally just thrown out there.  No publicity, no promotion and a LOT of flack because I put myself on the front cover.  So.  Taken back a few notches on the self-esteem ladder, I just let it... be.  And I even was thinking to myself that I should just pull it from the shelves.

But then... along comes a research study that supports EVERYTHING Pillow Talk stands for!  Not just communication... but a KNOWING.  Pillow Talk initiates that level of knowing.  Let me back up...

An article in Time Magazine written by Francine Russo talked about the deeper fundamentals of communication that comes from knowing your partner's intimate details such as favorite color, desserts to understanding how they feel about the afterlife and such.

Couples who knew these finite details about each other seemed to have stronger connections and their relationships last longer.  "Learning more about your partner could be relatively easy if people (especially men, since they scored worse in this area) took the trouble to find out, remember and put to use such relatively simple information," says Robert Epstein, professor of psychology at the University of South Pacific. (who was quoted in the article)

This gives me renewed hope that Pillow Talk really could be everything I had originally hoped.  

Pillow Talk has seven sections of questions that can either be a jumping off point for more conversation or just something to kill time with while spending time together.  It's both fun and informative and now... it can even help your relationship last longer and become stronger!!

There's questions in Pillow Talk for couples in every stage of their relationship.  Some couples have even used the questions to see how much their partner already knows.

Hopefully, this will give Pillow Talk that little extra push to encourage people to give it a chance.  It really is a good little book.  Very helpful.  Very fun...

So, if you haven't gotten your copy order one today!  Use it to get closer to the ones that you love by learning (and remembering) those wonderful little details that make your partner unique.

Let me know in the comments below how you made use of Pillow Talk in your relationships!  I mean, Time Magazine says these questions are vital! Better get a copy and get on it!  Lol!


Other Articles...
Who IS that guy in the Pillow Talk photos with you?
Pillow Talk's Front Cover