Elizabeth Bourgeret's Blog, page 11

Let It Go

Disney's Frozen Your blog post today is a product of the magical, distracting power of Disney.  I've been trying to work on helping you to let go of your past troubles so they don't weigh down your future.  And Disney's Frozen song keeps running through my head, "Let It Go." Excellent advice.  "... the past is in the past..."  While I will try to keep my singing to a minimum, there is some important and valuable keys to be learned here.

We all make mistakes.  No one is perfect.  We have all made painful decisions that we wish we hadn't.  No one is free from that.  No one.  I wish I could take the pain away that is associated with your past, the fact is that it happened that way for a reason.  You hopefully learned something; grew from your mistakes, and if that's the case-  Good for you.  Because you have learned to make your stumbling block your stepping stone.

But for the others who are carrying around guilt, self-loathing, bitterness and anger, I am here to say let it go.  You are dragging your past into your future where it was not meant to be.  There is nothing so big that you cannot be forgiven for (Acts 10:43), but the one you need forgiveness from in most cases is yourself.  Let it go...

Your brain is a powerful thing.  It obeys what you tell it to do.  When you put it on auto-pilot, it can dredge up some painful images and show them to you over and over again allowing them to tell yourself things that just aren't true.  "You weren't good enough for her."  "You aren't smart enough to get into that college."  "You deserve to unhappy."  "You have done some bad, bad things."  Every time you replay those images, they get a little bit stronger.  They take over a little more of your thought process.  Your brain is SO amazing that not only will it display those images, but it can cause you to evoke the emotions that go right along with it.  So if you think on it, real hard, it's like the same painful thing is happening again, right now, making those memories and wounds fresh again.  

Is that really where you want to be?  Do you really want to punish yourself over and over again for something that you can do absolutely nothing about?  You can't change the past.  You can't un-do anything that has already happened.  But you can make choices for your future. Did you know that your brain will also do what you tell it to do?  You don't have to be at the mercy of your memories.  When those thoughts come at you, make the conscious effort to change the channel. You don't have to let those memories have control over you.  Change the channel.  

Quit thinking about it.

Quit talking about it.

Quit replaying the disappointments.

Quit reliving the hurt and the bad choices.

When you can't close the doors on the past, you are practically locking the doors to your future.  You know the saying, when one door closes, another will open.  Well the new door can't open if you haven't closed the old door!  Your future can't truly begin in you're still lugging around the pain from your yesterdays.  Change your future by taking control of your thoughts and letting the past stay in the past.  Those thoughts WILL come up again, but you have to choose to guard your thoughts.  Keep moving forward. 

It doesn't matter where you were born.  It doesn't matter how you were raised.  It doesn't matter if he/she left you.  It doesn't matter if you didn't get the job.  You are not a victim.

How long are you going to blame outside events for your shortcomings?  How long are you going to mourn for your losses?  When is it time to turn things around and take on the future that you really and truly want?  I'm not dismissing the things that have happened to you.  But we have all had things, bad things, happen in our lives that we wish didn't happen.  You still have a choice!  Let go of the victim mentality.  Let go of the bitterness.  Let go of the anger, the hate and the anguish.  Let go of the ashes so you can see the beauty.

Sometimes not getting what you thought you wanted is the blessing in and of itself.  If it was meant to be, then it would be.  You are not your past.  You can't change your yesterdays, but you do have some input on all of your tomorrows.  Use your powerful brain to see where it is that you want to be in your future.  See the things that make you happy.  Focus on the ones that you love and love you in return.  

At some point, we have to decide when to let go.  You've done all you can do.  Nothing else is going to change for the better.  You have to come to terms that it is over and done.  We may not ever understand how we came to this point,  "but here we stand, in the light of day" and we have to decide to move past it.  If we continue to hang on, it will only drag you down.  Let it go.  Cut off the dead weight and feel the heaviness come off your shoulders.  It is not until you acknowledge the end that a new beginning can start.  It is where you are unwilling to walk away, that you will be forever stuck.  You can't go backwards.  You weren't meant to go back.  You have a whole new life waiting for you to live it if you will just give it a chance.

Every morning is a clean canvas.  A new chance to start over.  Unlock the doors to your future.  Change the channel.  Forgive your past.  Let it go.  

Forgive those who have hurt you.

Forgive the man that broke your heart.

Forgive the woman that wouldn't give you a chance.

Forgive the boss who passed you over for the promotion.

Forgive the circumstances that led to pain or feelings of unjust.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive.  Whether it was something that happened ten minutes ago or ten years ago.  Forgive.

This does not mean that your life will be easy.  There will be new trials and temptations and painful events that will blindside you, just repeat.  Forgive and let it go.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Shift-Change

I had something completely different planned for my blog today, all nice and neat and written out, but I was side-tracked. So please bare with me.  I just have to get this out there...

I am participating in a marketing program that is taking my web-site, my blogs, my writings and the things that I offer and scrutinizing them to  find my strongest areas and creating the best ways monetize them.  This is so very overwhelming.  First of all, yes, I do want writing and training to be a career for me.  So, I need to change my way of thinking that I can't just write whenever and whatever I want.  It has to shift into more of a business mind-set.  When they asked where my heart was; what my passions and personal goals were, I told them MY personal goal is to be able to offer fun and interactive workshops for teens.  I want to be able to travel from city to city and give them this amazing opportunity to become the best part of themselves and face their future with confidence.  I've called it the Total Truth Workshop.  I am really proud of it but have not put it into action as yet.  (I was waiting until this marketing team gives me feedback, I guess.)

I enjoy all the aspects of my writing "career", but they, the marketing team, have a point, and it is that I am spreading myself too thin.  Try as I might, I cannot be all things to all people.  I was told to choose.  UGH!  The agony!!  I want to help EVERYONE!!!  Why can't I help everyone?? 

With my history and my happiness, I return, always, to teens.  My work in coaching leads me in that direction as well.  I enjoy working with families and I do well with relational coaching and seminars.  I have been working with kids for over twenty-five years!  Whoa!  That's saying something!

Why teens:
That time in their life is such a struggle and it seems like we are in a weird "pretending it's not happening" to "micro-managing" to "it's someone else's fault" way of dealing with things.  These kids on the verge of adulthood are amazing but no one gives them the credit or the directions they need to make that transition!!  I want to help them get everything they want out of life.  I want their teenage years to be happy memories.  I want them to have the confidence to go after whatever their heart desires regardless of where they came from.  There is no other program out there that is offering what I do.  It's fun, it's interactive and it's a life-time of support and new friendships.  I am excited to get it out there.

Back to the marketing people...
Teens don't pay for my kind of programs.  That's where the parents come in.  So they suggest that I work on things for parents and then lead the parents into the Total Truth Workshop.  
I can do that.  I would enjoy doing that...  but...

At the moment, I am feeling so overwhelmed and pulled in several directions.  I have my fiction followers, my motivational followers, my relationship followers, my Christian followers, my fitness followers and (deep breath)....  I don't want to disappoint a single one of them.   I do however need to eat.  So I am trying to "chunk down my niche."  Not sure how I'm going to do this and for just a moment, I wasn't going to do it at all.  I was just going to keep on doing what I've always been doing for as long as I could do it... but then...

I went to a couple of the teen support group pages I regularly comment on, and was so overwhelmed by the sadness that was coming from the posts.  So much sadness and confusion.  They have no foundation within themselves to turn to for strength when times get hard.  I help provide that.  I can help them.  My workshops for teens are created for them.  My seminars for families can help heal them.  This is where I need to be.

So, it is decided.  I will start shifting things in that direction.  Teens and family will become my main focus.  I do have some projects that are currently in the works that I will complete but I need to narrow my focus to where my heart is needed most and I feel that I am called.  So hang with me as this slow shift happens.  The exciting thing is that I still get to do all the things that make me happy, write, travel, speak, create, motivate, help others, I'm just narrowing down my target audience even more than before.

So- if you are part of a family (and there's a good chance that you are) and you need to communicate with others, (my area of expertise) then chances are you still might be able to find some value here on my site.  

No! No! No!  You've got to stop me!! Don't let me try to go back to writing for everyone!! Lol!!  I need you to help keep me focused!!  I'm so weak!!
Thank you for letting me go off track and vent just a little... I will get things back on track soon!  Please, feel free to leave your comments below.  I love to hear from you! Find out more about the
Total Truth Workshop Name * First Last Email * Submit

The Master Cleanse- Part 2

I did it!  I finished the cleanse!! Yay me!  Read about my second half of the journey below, and I'll tell all the results!

Day Five: The cravings have really set in.  Last night, I treated myself to a movie and if you are like the average American movie-goer, you eat popcorn with your movie! That was killing me not to be able to have popcorn with my movie!!  I made it... but it was not fun.
Oh, and I had a terrible side-effect from the tea I was drinking.  I don't know if it was the combination of the tea plus the juice, but my face swelled up and I broke out in a rash... It didn't hurt, but it made me a little nervous!!  I stopped drinking the tea and flushed my system with lots of extra water and my skin went back to normal.  (after two days!!!)


Day Six:  My schedule had been fairly light thus far so the diet seemed to be working out well.  I had plenty of energy, good mental attitude, and was feeling pretty good all around.  Today, was the first day of a busy work schedule.  I was on my feet for most of my nine hour shift and was ready to fall into bed the moment I got home.  I slept soundly until my alarm woke me up the next morning.

Day Seven:  Another grueling  shift at work.  No hunger pains, but my energy levels kept getting depleted and I wasn't able to re-fuel.  I was burning off more than I took in.  Now in normal diet situations, this would be a good thing, but not the case with this one.  My body went into dehydration mode and I had to try and increase my liquids.  Another solid nights sleep!  Oh, and I noticed that my nails started breaking, so I added some calcium to my morning vitamin pack. 

Day Eight:  By now, I am tired.  Tired of drinking the lemon mix, tired of making the lemon mix, and my body is just super tired.  I can feel my body dragging along trying to get through the day.  Again, if I hadn't been so busy at work, I don't think it would have affected me in this way, but unfortunately,  I was super busy.  It was hard to keep my mood up.  I was happy, but just so exhausted that I could barely function.  After work, I went home and was in bed by 7 o'clock and slept through until my alarm went off the next morning at eight.  (I weighed in and have lost a total of nine pounds!)

Day Nine:  I am SO done with this diet!! Lol!!  I don't mind the taste, I'm just sick of the taste.  Everything smells so good to me.  I am craving food like crazy.  Knowing that today was going to be another busy day, I cheated and drank six ounces of pure orange juice to hopefully give me a boost.  
It helped.  But at this point, I'm just ready to be done.  I have absolutely no intentions of going for the fourteen days.  I am craving real food so badly!  Do you realize how many commercials on television are about food???  I have never wanted a taco so bad in my whole life!!   Only one more day.

Day Ten:  I am happily throwing away all of my finished sixteen ounce bottles once they are empty!  What a simple joy! Lol!  My mood is high again and my energy levels are too.  Happy to get this over with!
Tomorrow, I am supposed to drink nothing but fruit juices and the following day, I get to introduce soup and solid fruits.  I am so excited, the end is near!

Day Eleven:  Orange juice for breakfast!! Beautiful, wonderful orange juice!!    I weighed in and only lost a total of ten pounds.  While yes, that's a lot it just shows me that I could have stopped at day eight!!  I do feel lighter, not tired, but I am having a hard time not grabbing and eating anything I can get my hands on.  I am back to being hungry.  So, instead of waiting until tomorrow, I dug into some fresh cut pineapple and honeydew melon.  I know, I know.  I wasn't supposed to, but it seemed like the better alternative than that block of cheddar cheese that was calling my name!!  It tasted SO good!!  My teeth were so happy to be used again!  
It has been an experience. Would I do it again?  Probably not.  Hopefully, I won't need to.  Now that I'm getting older, I know I need to watch what I eat a little more closely.  Oh, and I will.  I'm going to watch it and savor it and appreciate it!!
Like I said in my last post, I do see the benefit of fasting, and I will do that again, probably once a year now, but this seemed a little too extreme.  It was an interesting experiment and it's good to see how my body adapts to different variables, but I'm glad it's over!  
The ingredients for the diet cost around $160.00 for the entire ten days.  The lemons had to be fresh and the maple syrup had to be organic.  It is time consuming squeezing all those lemons and measuring everything out.  But if you choose to do this, I highly recommend using the sixteen ounce water bottles.  It helped me tremendously!
Like I said early, I lost a total of ten pounds.  (Somewhere between day seven and day nine, I gained two pounds for some reason.  It is my theory that's when I went into starvation mode because I wasn't drinking enough, so my body kept everything, just in case.)
Also, the psyllium seed capsules did not work for me, and I ended up buying an additional laxative tea to help... uh... move things along.

So, there you have it!  The Master Cleanse as it was used by yours truly.  Let me know your story or your feed back below!  I'll get back to your comments later, because just now, I have a date with a taco!!

The Master Cleanse

Off on a new experiment!  For those that know me, I am usually up for testing out new diets and writing feed back on them.  (I did this for several years as a way to make extra money!)  So, even while I rarely sell my articles anymore, my curiosity still gets the best of me when I hear about a new way to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight.  This one, The Master Cleanse, piqued my curiosity for a couple reasons.  Its health benefits (of lemon juice) are said to be through the roof and it sweetens the deal with the promise of weight loss... how could I resist?

The main premise of the diet is to drink nothing but water with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper in it for ten to fourteen days.  Sounds simple enough, right?  Oh, did I mention that you're also supposed to drink a liter of warm salt water daily too?  (Well, that's not going to happen...)

I have fasted before and found it hugely beneficial to me, but the most I have done was four days.  And, within those four days I drank a protein shake and juice along with my water.  So this one would prove to be a challenge.

I needed a good challenge though.  It had been a hard winter both emotionally and physically.  I did a lot of binge eating and also just ate whatever was in front of me, which was usually snacks or cheap take-out.  My body was definitely feeling the effects.  I gained a shocking fifteen pounds, my clothes didn't fit right, my sleep patterns were all jacked up, making my emotions the proverbial rollercoaster!  I couldn't focus, writing became strained and I'd fall easily into depression.  (Mostly for allowing myself to get into this funk in the first place.)  So, a good cleanse/fast is exactly what I needed... or so I thought! 

I signed on.  I bought all the goodies.  I read the websites and listened to the feedback and warnings from all who wanted to contribute.  Here I go. I made a few minor changes to the original diet.  Instead of drinking the salt water to literally "flush" the system, I opted for a more natural less abusive choice of taking psyllium seed capsules.  

Day One:
I squeezed my lemons, and added my maple syrup to a 32 oz shakable container and headed off to work.  The directions say to add your cayenne pepper and water just before you drink it.  No problem.  I'll just add it when I get to work and sip on it all day long... Not how that works.
First of all, I added WAY too much cayenne pepper!!  It burned my throat, it burned my lips and it burned all the way down!!  I chased it with a 16 oz bottle of water.  That's good, right?  

There's a reason you don't add your pepper until you're getting ready to drink it.  The longer it sets in the mixture... it steeps.  It gets stronger and hotter.  So every time I tried to go back and get a drink, it was just getting worse!  And no matter how much water I added, it didn't help!  

So, when I got home, I made a fresh batch and although the gag reflex was fighting me, I made it.  I survived the first day.

(So hungry!)

Day Two: Some minor adjustments...
I was SO hungry!!  These lemon water drinks just weren't going to be enough!  I thought with all that extra water I drank yesterday, that I would be fine.  Not the case.  I was going to have to find something else to drink besides my mix and water.  A girl needs a little variety, after all!

I tweaked the formula just a bit (I greatly reduced the amount of pepper and also lightened up on the maple syrup) and found some herbal tea that I liked and was ready to start my second day.  The gag reflex was gone which made me very happy.  I was still fighting hunger pangs and my stomach was not quiet about it!  I tried to keep busy and not think about it but it rumbled on.  So I made a pot of tea and got into my writing. 

I was SO productive!!  My words just came flowing out of me!  My thoughts and ideas were coming to mind faster than I could write them down.  I had to stop and just have a "brain dump". (A sheet of paper that I just write down everything that's on my mind to get it out of my brain so its not bouncing off everything else and on to paper so I can concentrate on one item at a time)  I was up about an hour an a half past my regular bedtime and didn't even realize it.  I finally made myself go to bed and fell right to sleep.  (The brain AND the stomach were now both empty, after all!)

Day Three:
I am no longer hungry.  I have fallen into a routine and my stomach is compliant.  I think it realizes that this is for the good of all!  I mix my lemon juice and maple syrup in 16 0z water bottles (which counts as two servings) for the entire day and put them back in the fridge. (It tastes better cold)  When I start to get hungry or when the clock tells me I should be hungry, I grab one of my bottles, add my pepper and water, shake and chug!  I no longer have to have a chaser, in fact I like the taste.  Weird, I know.  And just to let you know, I am also taking multi-vitamins to make sure I balance things out.  

But I have to tell you about the side effects!!  I am so excited!  My brain is so happy to be out from underneath all the sludge!  I had, at the beginning of the year, decided to focus at least four hours a day building my business. (Creating workshops, writing the next book, creating new ways to engage with you.)  I can't stop!  I work beyond my four hours.  Before, I would "make" myself work, but it was at times, unproductive.  Busy-work.  But now, I have clarity and direction!!  It's amazing!!  
And when I sleep, I SLEEP!  I sleep for about two hours and then wake up for maybe forty-five minutes to an hour, but then I fall back to sleep again.  When my alarm goes off, I'm still not ready to wake up (Hey, it's not miracle juice!! lol) but I slowly give in to the idea... which brings me to:

Day Four:  Today. 
I thought I would be completely tired today not getting a solid nights sleep, but just the opposite is true.  It did take as long to get OUT of bed, but my brain was awake early on and eager to start the day. 

Since I am not getting enough nutrients to burn off, it is recommended not to do any kind of exercise or strenuous labor.  Let me tell you how my body was not ready for that!  I am feeling so energetic that I am wanting to do my Zumba!  But just don't do it.  Let your body rest.  For example, I was chasing after my dog up and down the stairs for just a few rounds and was completely exhausted. So- no exercise.  Got it.

I told myself that I wasn't going to get on the scale until it had been a full week, but I lied.  I jumped on there today and was surprised to see that I had already lost three pounds!  I'm not going to get excited about that because for me, it's not how much I weigh, it's how I look.  I don't feel that I "look" any different as yet.  And on a personal note, this isn't necessarily about the weight loss, I would be happy to slough off those extra pounds before swim season, but if I don't lose any, that's okay too. 


So- That's all I've got so far!  I'll keep you updated and if you're interested in finding out more for yourself, check out this website: themastercleanse.com

Have a happy day, everyone!  Please feel free to leave your comments below!

(There is no affiliation.  I get no kind of kick-back if you decide to visit  other websites.  But if you're interested in trying the Master Cleanse, please review all the material and talk to your doctor if you have further concerns.  I don't know if my results are typical or not!)

Your Asset List

Sometimes in life we fall into patterns that seem to slow us down or even bring us to a complete halt.  These are the times when we can feel defeated or overwhelmed.  And we make the mistake of listening to those negative voices either from within or without and think we can't do something. It's times like these when making an Asset List will help get you through.

If you have been to one of my motivational speaking engagements, you may have heard me talk of a Victory Log (or Victory Wall).  This is a tool I use to write down in a specific journal (or post-it note my wall) all the victories, large or small that I achieve.  I sold X amount of books.  I got new subscribers, I lost weight, I got a new gig, I got a letter of thanks or an awesome review...  You get the idea.  I write these down and when I'm feeling unaccomplished, I go back and look at all these victories and I am replenished again.  I know that I can face whatever challenge because look at how far I have come!  An Asset List can be a similar tool to use to help you through those "stuck" times.

If you were to go to a bank and request a loan, the banker would want to know about your financial assets, to make sure you are "worthy" of this sum of money.  So you would write down your assets to assure the banker that, yes, you can repay the loan because, clearly, as it states on this paper,  you are worth more than that sum.  An Asset List is similar in how it is directly related to you.  It clearly puts in black and white how valuable you are. What are those great qualities about you?  What things can you do that come easily that to others may be a challenge?  What are your talents?  Your skills?  Your gifts?  Your experiences?

They are all right there, but sometimes we forget how wonderful we are, or sometimes, we have never taken the opportunity to look close enough.  There's a story about a man who owned some property.   The land was flat and dry and nothing could grow on it.  One day a business man came along and asked if he could do some testing of the land.  The owner said, "Sure," and scoffed at the man, warning him that the ground was useless.  Well, the business man puttered around for a few days and ended up tapping into one of the largest veins of oil ever found!  Of course, both men became quite wealthy from that big ole' hunk of useless ground.  They never would have found it had they not scratched below the surface.  Had they not looked at the land from a different angle.

What will we find if we scratch below the surface?  What treasures would we find if we only took the time to search your beautiful heart and complex brain and worldly soul?

I'd like to recommend that you do just that.  Get pen and paper and start writing, in no particular order, all the wonderful assets of you!  Some of you will be able to pour out lists and lists, but for others, you might need some encouragement.  So ask for help!  Ask those people around you what they think your assets are and then write them down!  Keep your list close by and review it regularly and alway keep adding to it as you grow and change and learn new skills.

Whenever you need a boost, take a look at your Asset List and remind yourself how valuable and unique you are and then go face whatever challenge is intimidating you!  You can do it!  If you can't do it personally, you can find a way to get it done!  I believe in you.  You need to believe in you too!!
Other posts you might find helpful:Success Is...Fear NotWhen In Doubt...
Thanks so much for joining me on my blog today!  I'd lov

Instead of Looking for the Right Person, Become the Right Person

"If you attempt to build intimacy with a person before you've done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the hole in your heart and the lack of what you don't have.  That relationship will end in disaster."
                                                                                 -Les and Leslie Parrott

If I may paraphrase the above, what that comment is saying to me is that if you are looking for someone to "complete you" then you have already lost.  I believe they are trying to teach us to become the person we are happy and satisfied with  by building our own self-confidence so when the right person comes along, he/she is merely a happy addition to our lives.  We don't feel that obsessive NEED for that person.  We don't have to have this person or that person because something is missing in our lives.  We can be happy on our own, but we can also be ecstatic that they have joined us on our journey.  Love will come to you.  Maybe not in your time frame, so you need to be happy with your own company until that right someone does come along.

So how do we go about becoming the right person?  How do we find the patience to wait on love while we are making ourselves into the right person to be loved?  
Practice love.  
Emulate love. 
 Become the person that walks in love and not just wishes for it.

There's this saying:  The way you do anything is the way you do everything.  We can put that into practice here.  Your "anythings" are your unconscious decisions that you make on a daily basis.  Your way of doing things.  The evolutional attitude you've created.  And it can be observed in everything you do.  We prefer to focus on what we want to see and hear, both for the good and bad.  And that's true of everyone.  But no matter how we try and taint or twist the evidence we present to others for our favor, actions reveal our true character.  So make sure your character is one that can stand the test.

All of your "anythings" create your everything life.  You are who you are in the dark.  So, perhaps we should shine the light and look at who you really are and how the rest of the world sees you?

I am just under six feet tall and I have bright red hair.  My mother made it a point to teach me, that no matter where I am, or where I go, someone is always watching me.  She wasn't necessarily telling me this to frighten me, she was reminding me that I stick out like a sore thumb and if I do something stupid, I WILL get caught.  And it worked.  I took years of ballet to make sure I walk with poise and grace.  I've studied etiquette to be sure I always have polite manners... so on and so forth...  Now that I am a public figure, my character is up for grabs as well. (1 Timothy 4:12)  I am not perfect by any means, and in spite of my many years of ballet, I still manage to fall flat on my face.  But I do try and live an honest life.  What you see is what you get.   I try to walk in love.  I have bad days, just like everyone else, but how you do anything is how you do everything.  Even on those bad days, I walk in love.  There may be an edge to my voice, or my eyes may not sparkle through whatever I'm going through, but hopefully you will know that I am sending love your way.

As you know, I am a big component of if you give love you will receive love.  Sometimes not in the direction you were expecting, but the rule has always held true for me.  Meaning, you see this totally beautiful person standing across the room so you send out love in his direction... he may not respond.  But that love will bounce around the room and suddenly, someone will come up to you and tell you that you have the most beautiful smile.  So, it may not be from the hot guy, but that only means that he wasn't for you.  So keeping that in mind, are you giving love?  Are you the kind of person others can love?  Do you walk in love?  Are you patient and kind?  Do you show respect for others?  Do you live a life of integrity?  You can only pretend to be someone else for a short amount of time.  The real you will always come to the surface.  Who are you when no one else is around?

Love is sacrificial and learning to put others first.  Are you in a "ME" kind of mindset?

If you have been making the same kind of relationship mistakes over and over and ending up in the same hurtful place, start with yourself.  Do you love yourself?  If you don't love you, how can someone else?  Look hard in the mirror.  Fall in love with the face staring back at you.  Let love begin with you.  Create a fulfilling, healthy, whole relationship with you.  Make the changes that need to be made that will make others see how truly wonderful you are.  How you do anything is how you do everything.  Start with you.  Walk in love.  Put others first.  Send love out and it will come back to you.

Men Tell Their Secrets...

I'm fascinated at how couples work.  What makes two people stick it out to make a relationship work.  What is it about one person over another that makes men decide to commit to that one person for the rest of their life? So, I've been asking married men "What's the secret to a happy marriage?" for months now, and  I've pulled out a select few to share with you and I think you'll find their answers compelling, emotional, funny and heart-warming.  So without further ado and in no particular order, I give you Men's Secret to a Happy Marriage...


Mark M.  Married 24 years:
"I married my high school sweet heart.  I'd say it would have to be patience.  On both our parts."

Pete L.  Married 53 years:
"It's a give and take.  Lord knows I'm not perfect.  We take it one day at a time.  One day at a time."

Ken E.  Married 26 years:
"Suffering through chicken night with a smile on my face for twenty-six years!"

Matt C.  Married 7 years:
"Having kids.  Seeing that it's a bit of each of you; you created them, together.  It makes you want to try harder."

Bill W.  Married 40 years:
"Don't sweat the small stuff and it all ends up being small stuff."

Jeff O.  Married 31 years:
"Be intentional.  Make her a priority."

Harmon C.  Married 38 years:
"I don't make any decisions without her.  (I basically do what she tells me to do!)  It took me about twenty years to figure that out."

Bill J.  Married 27 years:
"Wait.  Don't get married until you're WAY out of adolescence.  I waited until I was thirty-six.  Then, just take it one day at a time."

Mark M.  Married 26 years:
"When it comes to money, come to a mutual agreement.  Listen.  Not just listen, but hear her.  And... don't make sports THE top priority!"

Larry S.  Married 51 years:
"Always put her first.  Make sure her needs are taken care of.  She does the same for me."

John S.  Married 42 years:
"Have the same religious base... and forgiveness.  You're going to make a lot of mistakes.  Forgiveness is a must.

Russ I.  Married 6 years:
"Find someone that will put up with you!"

Jim L.  Married 52 years:
"Just keep saying 'Yes Dear'!"

Bill H.  Married 43 years:
"Communication... and don't lie.  She tells me everything and I  tell her everything.  You can lie to anyone else, but don't lie to each other.  That's the fastest way to lose trust.  I know I can trust her about anything and she trusts that I will always be there for her."

Thirudathi R.  Married 30 years:
"Trust.  Trust is the key."

Dave H.  Married 55 years:
"She's always right!"

Kevin N.  Married 39 years:
"The minister said till death do us part.  That means for the good and bad.  So, that was that."

Ulli H.  Married 35 years:
"Trust.  If you cross that line, you can't go back."

Jerry D.  Married 54 years:
"Always love each other.  No matter what.  And learn to compromise."

Knowles T.  Married 39 years:
"I believe in communicating and sticking it out through thick and thin and forgiving."

Bob O.  Married 27 years:
"Compromise.  It's not so much about me but rather 'us'.  Pay her a compliment every day.  It costs little but it means so much."

Ken G.  Married 49 years:
"Tolerance. And let me tell you that when you work so hard at being tolerant in your marriage, you're allowed to be LESS tolerant in other areas.  Mine is driving.  I go so irritated with ignorant drivers!  Especially in traffic!"

David O.  Married 55 years:
"Patience.  Love and patience."

Matt M.  Married 20 years:
"Respect each other."

John K.  Married 38 years:
"The wife rules!! But other than that, I think openness and honesty." 

Martin V.  Married 5 years:
"Wait fifty years!  I wasn't going to be a statistic, so I waited for the right one.  It was lonely, and I thought I was going to be a bachelor forever and then I met her."
Charles E.  Married 14 years:"Know when to shut up."

BONUS QUESTION:
A few were kind enough to answer a bonus question for me...
How did you know she was the one?

John K:  Married 38 years:
"We dated for five years.  I don't know, it was just... a feeling."

Martin V.  Married 5 years:
"We met at a group meeting for people who have seizures.  And I loved her personality."

Thirudathi R.  Married 30 years:
"We went to school together.  I really liked her.  We were just on the same frequency.  I went to my father and asked if I could marry her and he arranged it.  We started as friends that turned into love." (He comes from India and their marriages are usually arranged for them.)

Bill H.  Married 43 years:
"We lived in the same neighborhood and I even delivered the newspaper to her house.  But we didn't go out on a date until after we graduated.  I tried to fight it.   I didn't want to settle down, but everyone else knew she was the one.  I got sent away for a few months because of my job, and I just didn't want to be without her.  Or worse, I didn't want her to find somebody else!  Finally, I didn't want to fight it any more."

Russ I.  Married 6 years:
(See his above comment!)  "She put up with me!"

John S.  Married 42 years:
"She told me.  I was in the service and we were separated for three months.  I couldn't stand it.  I was only eighteen and had to have my mom sign for permission to allow me to get married!  I got leave and we got married.  We haven't been separated since."


Thank you gentlemen for talking with me and being able to offer up these insights to my readers.  I love hearing everyone's stories, and I'd love to hear yours too!  Do you have a secret to share?  What's the secret to your happy relationship and how did you know that your mate was "the one"?  

Valentine's Day

Ah, Valentine's Day... the holiday of love... How can you go wrong with a holiday like that?  I was surprised to find out how just the opposite is true!  There is more passionate debate about this holiday, it seems that saying "Merry Christmas" over "Happy Holidays!"  In talking with people, it is definitely a love/hate kind of thing.  You either love it or hate it.

I, personally, love it.  My philosophy is all about loving one another, so how could I possibly be against it?  The comments I am hearing are a lot from singles.  Why should they like Valentine's Day when they don't have a sweetheart to call their own?  And others are just upset at the sheer commercialism of it all.

Having my own blog has it perks every once in a while and this is one of them.  I get to have my own happy way and get up on my soapbox and say what I want.  You are welcome to continue reading, in fact I encourage it, but if you don't want to, it won't hurt my feelings!  This is my room and you are welcome here, but brace yourself, I'm going to defend one of my favorite holidays...

My argument is this.  People choose to celebrate holidays in different ways.  Why should this one be any different?  And who cares if it was created to generate more business for the card and floral industries, in any other text that would be called good business!  And no one ever said it is just for couples!  The holiday is about love!  But let's face it, ladies, sometimes men need a little help showing their affection in different ways.  And Valentine's Day makes gift-giving a no-brainer!  You can't go wrong and marketing won't let you forget!!  It's a win-win.

And let me address the argument that "if the men don't get just the right thing, or they forget all together, it causes strain in the relationship."  Well, it's not the holiday that did that.  That goes a little deeper than only one day a year.  Men love this holiday just as much as the women!  More proposals happen on this day than any other holiday.  Every store and even every gas station is geared so men- who want to make even the tiniest effort- can't possibly mess it up!  One holiday shouldn't be able to have the power to make or break a relationship.  If it does, there were problems before February 14th came around.

"It's just another reason for men to have to spend money.  And if they don't spend the right amount, it makes them look bad."  Again, I say, read the above paragraph.  It shouldn't be about the money.  I know a thoughtful gift that didn't cost much would mean more than a gift that took no thought at all.  Anyone can purchase a dozen roses (and believe me, I love cut flowers as much as the next girl) but if she hates roses, you have missed your mark.  But a gift showing her that you KNOW her, is priceless.  A letter, is one of the most romantic things that is a lost art anymore.  A special outing to someplace you know she would like.  Or someplace completely new that will create new memories.  It's not about the money, boys.  Gifts don't have to cost a fortune to be special.  But yes, it's more than the thought that counts!  A little action, please.

"You shouldn't have to have a holiday to tell someone you love them."  No, and you shouldn't have to have a day to remind you to rejoice in the Lord either, but we do.  And we commercialize the heck out of it too!  It's a fun day!!  Stop trying to make it more than what it is!  Yes, you should love your people every day and yes, you should show them in some way or another so they constantly feel loved, but some people need this day to kick their people into gear!  Some women have to wait all year to get a bouquet of flowers sent to their job letting all the office know that her man loves her.  And if it takes that one day to make her feel that joy, so be it!  You're relationship is a daily work in progress.  Valentine's Day is an EXTRA day of love and showing love and remembering why you love, and love for the sake of loving.  

"Companies like Hallmark and jewelry stores and florists profit ten fold during this time of year!"  And your point is???  You don't have to buy a card from Hallmark... it's still freedom of choice around here.  No one complains that Budweiser takes up a huge chunk of the Superbowl!  But have a Hallmark commercial make you cry and you boycott a holiday?  And talk about a price mark-up!!  Anyone who has bought ANYTHING from the ball park during a game has felt the sting of ten-fold profit!!  But we buy it anyway.  Every holiday has its share of price mark-ups.  It too, is the American way.  We pay more for gas over the three day weekends, we pay more money for a fir tree thats going to die in a month, we pay a fortune for eggs... EGGS! because we want to paint them pretty colors, but only in April.  This holiday is no different.

Thanks to our American commercialism, we have taken a small drinking holiday that didn't even belong to us and turned it into a major party to where the nation is allowed to be Irish for a day and wear green to be protected from pinching!  And only in America can we glorify lucky clovers and leprechauns and green tinted food.  I don't hear that holiday getting any flack.  And yes, the price of beer, ham, cabbage, green beaded necklaces and anything green goes up ten-fold in price!

"I'm single, so it's just another day."  It doesn't have to be.  It amazes me how many people let this holiday that stands for love, throw them into depression!  What is that all about??  It's just a day!  It doesn't define who you are!  Goodness!  And it's not just for couples!  Love your friends with little tokens of appreciation.  Love your children with candies and goodies and cards.  Love your pup with a heart-shaped rawhide.  Love your mate with heart-shaped pancakes and flowers and love notes.  Heck love your waitress a little extra with a bigger tip.  I haven't had a Valentine in years but it doesn't makes me love this holiday any less.  Maybe there will be one in my future, maybe there won't.  But I enjoy having the "excuse" (and the ease) of spoiling those I care for with a whole day of love!

We shouldn't have to be told to love each other, but thank goodness we have a holiday to do just that.  So quit your bah-humbugging and get out there and show some love!

Stepping off my soapbox now... we will now return to your regular blog-posts... Thank you.... 

Love Is A Two Way Street

Healthy relationships are based on compromise.  Each person has to play their part and not expect one person to do all the giving while the other is doing all the taking.

You’ve heard me say that I think relationships should be not 50/50, but 100/100.  This leaves nothing to chance.  If you are both taking 100% responsibility for the health and well-being of the relationship, then nothing can fall through the cracks.

-  If you are the one in the relationship who is constantly giving and not getting your love returned, it may last for a while.  You could even think you’re happy for years, but eventually, your supply of giving without getting will be depleted.  When your love and efforts are not being reciprocated, the relationship will fall out of balance.  You could become bitter expecting it to change and it never does.  Self-doubt creeps in wondering what you’re doing wrong; wondering why your partner doesn’t want to give back automatically.  Depression can come in to play because you are not feeling loved and appreciated.  Love lifts you up.  Love is giving and kindness.  Love is encouraging.  Love is healing.  If these things do not surround you, you are in the wrong relationship.

-  Love does not just happen, people.  You both have to give and take.  Learn to compromise.  Learn what is important to your partner.  How does she take in love?  What can you do to show him love?  Often the way we give love is how we like to receive love.  And that may not be what your partner is needing.  One of my favorite books is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  The book points out five different ways that we perceive love.  Some feel loved when you hold their hand, others feel more loved when you do nice things or offer a gift.  Still others need to talk or go on a picnic.  Yes, these are all wonderful things and I’m sure we would all appreciate if our mate did any one of those things, but Mr. Chapman points out that usually one of the languages is our strongest.  We respond more to one than another.  Get the book, read it together and figure out each other’s love language and then speak it every day.  You don’t have to feel it or like it, just do it and you will reap the benefits.

-  Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict.  Your relationship cannot be based on a scoring system.  There is no winning or losing.  You need to give up the “my way or else” attitude.  You’re not going to agree on everything and it’s okay to have strong convictions about some things, but you are in this together and your partner deserves a chance to be heard and have an opinion.  Give and take. 

When arguments happen- and they will- keep emotion under control as best you can and try and get through it the best way you can without having any reason for regret.  People need to feel they have been heard, try not to storm off.  No name calling, it’s disrespectful.  Fight fair.  Don’t attack, try to use “I” statements to explain how you feel.  Keep the past in the past, don’t dredge up old arguments.  And focus on the issues at hand.  I know it’s not easy when high emotion gets involved but this is only one moment in the life of your relationship and hopefully things can get resolved with a little give and take.

-  Sometimes, one of you won’t be feeling up to your usual 100% and you need your partner to step in and take over.  If it has been a steady give and take, your partner should fall into this role automatically.  The loss of a family member, a physical illness, losing a job… we all have bumps in the road and it makes it easier to get past them when we can rely on our partner to help us through. 

When you see your partner in a slump, or feeling reserved, assume that he/she needs more from you and fill that need.  Whatever it may be for a couple weeks.  Love them back to life, so to speak.  Make him/her your priority.  Wear something sexy, leave her notes in her briefcase.  Make his favorite meal.  Love language the heck out of him/her.  Or maybe just be patient and step back allowing him/her to let you know what they need. 

That’s what so great about love.  It’s a growing, breathing, changing thing.  If you treat it right it will fulfill you all the rest of your days.

Sometimes, you’ll give more… sometimes you need more.  Be with the person that you can balance with.

Other articles you might be interested in:

Watch Your Love Blossom

Share the Love

Love Will Keep Us Together

Fear Not...

The command "fear not" is the most repeated command in the Bible.  There are over 365 references to calming your fears and anxieties.  One for everyday of the year and then some!
Fear is something we all face and handle in different ways.  Fear of loss, fear of death, of rejection, of the unknown, even fear of airplanes, spiders, heights, masks, clowns, the number thirteen.... Whew!  The list goes on and on.  No wonder God made it a priority for His people to know to "fear not, because He is always with us"  And for His people, He is patient and reminds us again and again day after day... fear not.
Here are a few of my favorite verses that I use in my daily life and I hope that they are a blessing to you as well.
For all my worriers out there, I keep this one on hand.  "Be anxious for nothing."  Philippians 4:6  One of my favorites.  I use this verse to remind me that things are out of my control.  And no matter how much I want to worry and fret, it changes nothing.  It doesn't help the situation it only makes me tired and more stressed.  So stop worrying, be anxious for nothing.
When the bills pile up around me and I'm afraid I'm not going to have enough money to feed myself or my family, or I'm going to be tossed out on to the street and end up living in a cardboard box, (yes, I've stressed out this much before...) I rely on this verse in Matthew:  Therefore I tell you do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on, is not life more than food and body more than clothing? (Matthew 6:25)He has always taken care of me, and even though my poor choices have put me in some pretty interesting predicaments, He has always provided for me.  It may not have been a steak dinner, but, I have never gone without.
We have all been wounded in love before and He tells us to guard our hearts, but He also thinks that love is the greatest thing ever.  So, do not give up on love, ever.  And when it comes to finding your mate, only the deepest, truest love will do.  And you will know when you find it because   1 John 4:18 tells us: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment and whosoever fears has not been perfected in love.Do you love in fear or need or do you love in peace and perfection?
In Joshua 1:9, He has no time for foolishness he just puts it out there: Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous!  Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord is with you wherever you go.Any questions?  Didn't think so...
There will be nights that I lay awake wondering, half-planning, half-wishing what I want for my future.  I fear that I won't see my children grow and raise their own families.  I fear that I'll be stuck cutting hair for the rest of my life.  I fear that I will not see my dreams fulfilled.  I fear that my body or mind won't be strong enough to get me through the trials of my life.  But then Matthew comes to my rescue again and in the 6th chapter and the 34th verse it reads: Do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble.Leave tomorrow's worries for tomorrow...  and then, be anxious for nothing! (Philippians 4:6)
Often we get caught up in feeling the need to defend ourselves.  How many times have you been accused of something that you were totally innocent of?  Or people would just talk about you behind your back without any cause at all?  Or being bullied.  You want to shout out and defend yourself, but sometimes things get so escalated that your voice falls on deaf ears.  You are resigned to think that everyone will believe the lies.  But the Bible says, fear not.  You will have your day and the truth will come to the surface.  Exodus 14:14 says:  The Lord will fight for you and you only have to be silent.
A most popular and favorite passage to deal with your deepest, darkest fears comes from Psalms.  The twenty-third Psalm is one of the most read and recognized and most comforting passage from the Bible.  Here is the 4th verse:  Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me.It calms me every time.
Another fear that used to haunt me day in and day out was my past.  I was not a good person.  I was frozen with guilt when I would recall some of the hurtful and hateful things I did once upon a time.  And even still, I struggle with letting my past go and forgiving myself but luckily Isaiah 43:1 reminds me that I am saved.  I have been forgiven.  All my sins have been washed away.  It says:  Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name and you are Mine.
These verses have helped me and continue to help me in my times of trouble.  You can take what you find useful and ignore the rest or go digging around for different ones that speak to you.  I am not posting these to start any kind of debate or fall into a context argument, but to hopefully offer you peace in a not so peaceful world and bring up the point that if He took the time to tell us over 365 times to fear not, He must have wanted us to do it.  I'm just helping you get started. Trust, children of God, that He sees your fears and he knows what you are going through.  Trust that He is faithful.