Stephen Colegrove's Blog, page 8

Next Project

I’m finishing up the sequel to “The Amish Spaceman” and will be publishing it within a few weeks. I’m at a bit of a loose end as to what to […]

More Legendary Ebook Marketing Secrets of Doom

Since my previous installment of “Legendary Ebook Marketing Secrets of Doom,” telegrams have piled in front of my door and emails have clogged the arteries of my inbox. Never teach your […]

Even More Real Photos From London

More photos from my trip during Easter. More photos are at my Facebook album right here.

Real Photos From Cambridge, the United Kingdom, Earth, Third Planet Past the Sun

Egads, the lack of security! They’ll let anyone in Cambridge these days.  

Real Photos From My Trip to London Where I Took Photos of Things in London

Here are some photos of my trip during Easter! Fantastic weather, by Jove. For more photos, visit my album at Facebook. Cheers

Le Franch Are Coming!

I, like many Americans, was unaware of a clause in the Treaty of Versailles, which requires that during the week preceding Easter the entire school-age population of France is exchanged with […]

English Dress Code vs. American Dress Code

In preparation for my trip to England, mother has reviewed my wardrobe and found it lacking. She’s had the servants toss out all of my garments and burn them in […]

Why is England?

Mother has a bee in her bonnet over the mysterious disappearance of Robert Denby, and she’s sending me to London in her private jet. Of course I’m going! You’re a braver person than I am if you want to stand between mother and her latest crusade.

I know nothing about England, apart from the fact that they eat tea for dinner and drink beans for breakfast. Someone (let’s be honest, it was the cat) said they speak English, but I don’t believe it. I’ve seen “The Vicar of Dibley.”

In other news, my book is still for sale. Let’s do swappsies––you buy it and I’ll send the servants out for a tranche of goose liver.

 

Ten Careers To Consider If You’ve Gone Mad And Decided To Become a Writer

Writing is literally an insane proposition: lock yourself in a closet and pound away at a post-apocalyptic vampire brony crossover series so that people you will never meet in real life or otherwise will think you are swell. Hapless individuals who are mulling over becoming a writer and the prospects of Scrooge McDuck piles of cash should consider alternative career paths.

Top Ten Jobs for Writers Who Aren’t Hugh Howey:

10. Rick Steves: If your writing skills are limited to creating hyphenated names for a race of elf-dogs that live in the trees, maybe you can be a travel writer! It’s like being a fighter pilot without all the flying: hot foreign girls, lots of booze, and as much corrective fluid as you can sniff.

9. Nuclear Missile Technician: If you’re going to be locked underground and away from human contact, at least serve your country while doing it. Also, if the world ends you’ll be either George Peppard or Jan-Michael Vincent (awkward if female)

8. Insurance Salesman: You’ll jump off a bridge or put a shotgun in your mouth an average of ten years sooner with a career in insurance as compared to being a writer, so you’ve got that going for you, which is nice.

7. Fighter Pilot: Who doesn’t want to be a fighter pilot? That’s right––nobody. Even Communists want to be Communist fighter pilots.

6. Astronaut: In space, no one can hear your beta readers scream

5. Garbage Collector: Pick up other people’s trash, don’t publish your own

4. Day Care Worker: It’s a scientifically-proven anecdote that children make you stupid and violent. Apart from that benefit, you won’t have the free time to regret not becoming a writer

3. Toll Booth Attendant: At least you get to meet people

2. Politician: Every truly great writer is also a truly great liar

1. Journalist: No one will ever truly love you, but at least there’s alcoholism

In other news, purchase a copy of my book, because my children need another Escalade.

Watch This, Don’t Read That

It’s universally accepted among dentists and convicted felons that a movie is better than a book. In the style of the ubiquitous “Eat This, Not That” series, I present the alternative to staring at little squiggles on a page ripped from a tree. Save the Earth, watch a movie.

1. The Great Gatsby

Everyone says this is the greatest novel written by the greatest author of the greatest country on Earth, but that kind of makes you not want to read it. Should you watch a recent film adaptation, a.k.a. “Four Hours of Leonardo DeCaprio’s Life”? Hellz, no. Watch “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” It’s got the same frou-frou garbage as the novel, and you’ll have something to talk about at the next meeting of the bridge club.

2. The Hobbit

Don’t be caught reading this by anyone female, or you’ll never date again. Unless you have a lifetime membership in the Society for Creative Anachronism and sell leather mugs at RenFair, you need to stay far away. Watch Willow instead. It stars the height-challenged Warwick Davis and what’s his name … Iceman from Top Gun.

3. Any book with vampires

Speaking of Top Gun, most people would say vampires jumped the shark about the time Maverick and Brad Pitt started biting people on the neck during Interview With A Vampire. Other people would say vampires never jumped the shark because they can’t swim. I don’t care. Instead of torturing yourself with ANY vampire book, movie, or television show, just watch Big Trouble In Little China. Kurt Russell is a beautiful diamond of an actor. The ONLY exception to this total ban on all vampire media is Fright Night (1985), which features the eternally charming and loquacious Roddy McDowall.

4. Fifty Shades of Grey

Anyone who tells you to read this elephantine load of elephantine manure is either stupid or has a mouthful of Zanax. Watch the 1984 classic Supergirl. It’s basically the same thing for guys. Women? I don’t know, maybe watch Ghost again, where Patrick Swayze does that thing.

5. Any history book or the Bible

Watch History of the World, Part I. It’s even got “history” in the title!