Stephen Colegrove's Blog, page 11
July 9, 2013
A Shower of Dingos
Like many of you out there in TV Land I always read bedtime stories to my children partly with an Australian accent and partly in a County Cork brogue. Of course I don’t switch mid-sentence, I’m not a “nutter” as they say (they don’t say that).
The reasons for these dialectical inflections are thrice-fold:
1) Everyone reading this or listening to the megaphone protruding from my parlor window will agree that children should learn about other cultures. However, our Bolivian nanny had a severe case of the boils two fort-nights ago, leaving me at wit’s end.
2) Upon receipt of an unexpected letter from the local tax authority detailing a massive and quite uncivilized pecuniary obligation, my team of accountants (his name is Mildred) recommended the estate be moved brick, stick, and badger to Ireland or Australia. I agreed whole-heartedly, as there wasn’t much to watch on TV. I began to prepare my offspring for the linguistic shock.
3) Quite conveniently but perhaps well-known to Mildred, the only other places I’ve wanted to live apart from California (‘whine-country,’ as I like to say to the servants), have been Craggy Island in Ireland or The Outback, Australia. Each has a unique appeal: Craggy Island is where Father Ted lives and Crocodile Dundee is my third-favorite movie. Since I can’t move to the Wonka Chocolate Factory or Vietnam (don’t ask), then Oz will have to do.
My first book––A Girl Called Badger––is on sale for .99 cents and stuff.
June 6, 2013
Eye Pad Special Edition $2.99
A Special Edition of A Girl Called Badger is now available for Apple’s iPad, limited to 100,000 copies. Get them while they’re going fast!
You may be asking your new friends at the bus station or the staff at the clinic what makes this a “special” edition? Well, strange pensioner that smells of witchhazel, I think I changed a comma. Or not, I can’t remember. Anyway I have to go, this SORRY! card won’t play itself!
Cue the ubiquitous string of LOL:
June 3, 2013
Look Nook Book 99 Cents
A Girl Called Badger is now available on Barnes and Noble’s Nook platform for an amazing sale price of $.99.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-girl-called-badger-stephen-colegrove/1115473772?ean=2940016531762
And now because of a federally-mandated court order, I am flogging “Dr. Terrible’s House of Horrible,” starring Steve Coogan. It’s a great show. Not as good as “Darkplace” but still great. Link
Cheers,
Steve
Look Nook Book
A Girl Called Badger is now available on Barnes and Noble’s Nook platform for $2.99. iBookstore should also happen this week.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-girl-called-badger-stephen-colegrove/1115473772?ean=2940016531762
And now because of a federally-mandated court order, I am flogging “Dr. Terrible’s House of Horrible,” starring Steve Coogan. It’s a great show. Not as good as “Darkplace” but still great. Link
Cheers,
Steve
May 9, 2013
Legendary Ebook Marketing Secrets of Doom
There are no rules in the deadly world of self-publishing. Editors? Expensive. Cover artists? Superfluous. Adjectives, adverbs, prefaces, acknowledgements, dedications, and notes to the reader? Required and to be used in the mathematical quantity known as ‘a plethora.’
That being said, a few suggestions are needed to reach the staggering height of my success (or just use a stool).
1. Market the living hell out of your family.
Also your co-workers at the Shake Shoppe, people in your spinning class, and especially neighbors. What are they going to do, move?
Family is a delicate matter, however, and you must gain rapport. Call them in the evening at dinnertime. If you must approach in person, allow them a few seconds to talk about the kids or politics or cholera before launching into your book’s “elevator speech,” the motivations behind minor characters, or the struggle to maintain a ten-hour writing session fueled only by chocolate and Tang.
The inevitable rift will occur with friends and family, but at that point remember that persistence is also your friend, and now the only one. If an old co-worker suddenly pretends to have a stroke, monitor him closely but don’t call for help. Humoring these antics will only encourage the scamp. If he pretends to be unable to speak, take the time to learn sign language.
Relatives may pretend they’re traveling to Bhutan on holiday, but the clever self-published author will see an opportunity. Travel in disguise, preferably as the opposite sex, and shadow this relative’s every movement, dropping Zazzle-made postcards of your book at every opportunity. When the relative decides to remain in-country and abandon America, report him to the authorities and move on to your next victim.
2. Change your publishing model.
Throw a chair through a window and you’re suddenly a criminal. Throw a fresh, self-published book through your neighbor’s window every week and you’ll be as popular as GRIT. There is no such thing as bad publicity. Or the Easter bunny.
3. Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Google+, FourSquare, Instagram.
The pinnacle of human achievement? You’re thinking the Moon landing or Miles O’Keefe, but you’re oh-so wrong. It’s social media, or as I like to call it, The Game of Life (not related to “The Game of Life”).
There’s so much going on! Status being updated, tweets tweeting, photos uploading, cogent opinions and carefully worded comments appended, and friends going up by the minute!
All of these services are perfect for the self-published author for two reasons. First of all, they are free (an important point for writers to whom “shopping” means canvassing dumpsters behind The Shake Shoppe). And secondly of all, these services allow the author to promote his or her work to a captive audience. Everyone knows you have to read every comment, tweet, and funny cat photo! This becomes more time-consuming as fame and followers increase. I can’t imagine how Richard Simmons or George Takai can handle the workload, but then again, those two cats know magic.
May 7, 2013
Stop The Ambulance, I Want To Get Off
Top ten things you never want to hear from emergency personnel (as conveyed to me through a pick-up window whilst my EggWhite McMuffin was broiling):
10. I haven’t done this in forever.
9. Never seen that before.
8. Don’t tell me this is bad, Marty. I can see that myself!
7. Why didn’t you go before we left the station?
6. I’m putting this one in my book, no question.
5. You didn’t just do what I think you just did.
4. Maybe he’s sleeping.
3. You’re fired, you’re fired, you’re suspended, and you––stop dying.
2. Yep, definitely the wrong hole.
1. Walking away isn’t going to get this guy to the hospital, Marty. Marty!
[DISCLAIMER: I have neither heard nor spoken any of these phrases during my professional employment. However, I once consumed half a box of ice-cream sandwiches because we got a call and they were going to melt.]
April 13, 2013
The Master Drives Off A Bridge
The Master said that most people only read books that other people read, so they can be part of the “tribe” or at least pretend. He went on for ages and I should have written it down, but when Master said “tribe” that scene from Raiders where Indy ran from the naked Tootsie warriors flashed through my mind over and over.
“Master,” I said, “Famous people like Dirk Benedict and Richard Hatch have books. Why don’t you become famous first, then sell the book?”
The Master laughed for a long time then mumbled something about Cylons. I was more interested in a tiny spider that crept across the window, until the words “bloody murder” sprang from the Master’s lips.
I clapped my hands. “Yes! That’s it, Master! Kill someone in a nasty way. You’re sure to become famous and sell books!”
The Master grinned, but then his expression changed. He looked me up and down like a tired housewife staring at a slab of old chicken from the back of the freezer, deciding whether or not to cook it.
“Of course,” I said nervously, “Master would be caught and sent to prison. Master’s toenail fungus would grow again.”
The Master sighed and nodded. He stood up and began changing clothes for his tai chi lesson.
“Or,” I said pertly, “Master could fake his own death…”
With one arm in his black uniform the Master waited for me to continue.
“Yes, fake your own death,” I said, waving my hands. “If it is a new way of dying or a very exciting event, everyone will know about it!”
The Master said something about a Dodge Charger, nitroglycerine, and the Golden Gate Bridge, but I didn’t understand any of those words. He finally pointed at me and told me to “make it happen”. I’m excited and confused at the same time!
Also, what’s a “Costa Rica”?
April 7, 2013
A Girl Called Badger FREE for five days
Book One in the series is a free download until April 11th. Enjoy!
http://www.amazon.com/Called-Badger-Valley-Sleeping-ebook/dp/B00AHK96R6
March 28, 2013
The Dream Widow
The second book in my sci-fi series, The Dream Widow, is now available from Amazon for $3.99. Pick it up fast because that was a pricing error (it’s going up).
In the sequel to A Girl Called Badger, the machinery beneath the mountain refuge begins to fail. The villagers are faced with the rapid destruction of a centuries-old way of life as a hostile army approaches from the east.
Featuring the bad guy from the first book, a wedding, some shooting, no dream sequences, a widow, fewer spiders (as requested) and bloody murder (also as requested, mother).
What will I do now before starting the next book, imaginary person asking me? I’m going to the happiest place in the world.
March 14, 2013
2013 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards Quarter-Finalist
“
A Girl Called Badger” made it to the next round along with 499 other quarter-finalists. If you have time, leave a review of my 17-page exerpt here:
A Girl Called Badger – ABNA 2013 Entry
Only 25 books make it to the next round of finals on April 16th, but at this point at least I’ll get a full book review out of it.
