Alan Fadling's Blog, page 72

One Great Tip for Managing Interactions During the Holidays

As we approach Thanksgiving and Christmas, many of us will have the opportunity to gather with family and friends. There is so much joy this time of year.

Whatever the makeup of your family, everyone feels a little stressed during the holidays. Some of you may feel a little more like Marge Simpson than Carol Brady as you entertain or attend large gatherings.

Expectations are formed, finances and gift giving come to the forefront, perfectionism can sneak in–any one of which can lead to anxiety. Unchecked, these can also result in holiday depression.

Wow, Gem, what a downer you are! Actually, I’m an optimist. That is why I want to talk turkey (get it, turkey) with you about your own heart as we continue on through the season.

I want to address just one idea that may help ease any tension that may arise as you get together with others. And this is the cool part. It is not about them. This is something you can choose to do for yourself. And it may help you achieve peace even in the midst of what can be a busy season.

Two words: Loving Detachment.

This not a new idea. Both the spiritual direction and 12-step communities have long touted the virtues of detachment.

In other words, everyone gets to decide for themselves how they will act, what they will say, and what they will do. The key to your peace is to let go and let them. The great news is that you get to decide how you will act, what you will say and what you will do.

Detachment

You simply allow the other person to do what they are already doing…living their life the way they want to.

“But you don’t understand, my uncle so-and-so is a real piece of work. I can’t stand the way he drones on and on.” I hear you. That can be very disturbing and downright angering. But what good does that stomach acid do you?

Another of my favorite 12-step phrases: “Keep your own side of the street clean.” Once again, your uncle gets to decide his own curb appeal and so do you.

Allow the person to be who they are, here and now. You don’t have to be hooked onto their dynamic, you simply let go.

Loving

You can engage without judgment or anxiety. It is our own self-talk that usually exacerbates the already aggravating situation.

Take your own inner dialogue down a notch. And then change it up. Come up with creative thoughts that turn your heart toward the person in a more gracious way.

You could think of one of their good qualities and be thankful for that. You could pray for them (while they are droning) about the hard time they are experiencing at work or at home. Again, without judgment. You keep your heart open to them as a person, while protecting yourself from their acidity.

It is a beautiful thing to remember that each and every one of us is on a journey. We are all in process. Some are walking their process and others are not. But it is their choice.

The gift we give to ourselves and to others is the grace to let each one move at their own pace, by their own choice.

 

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

What Makes a House a Home?

On winter mornings and evenings (if you can say that Southern California has a winter) you’ll often find me in my recliner. A fire crackles to my right, and to my left, pressed up against my leg, is Lex, our faithful companion dog. Various activities go on in this chair. Praying, reading, journaling, watching shows on my iPad, scrolling through Instagram, laughing with Alan about some random post.

But this morning, I lift my eyes from the book I’m reading and I stare at my living room. It has undergone many permutations of furniture and layout over the 21 years we have lived here. You’ve heard me complain before about this house. Built in the 1970s, its rental status calls out clearly from the old aluminum windows to the original formica kitchen countertop.

But I’m not thinking about my complaints this morning. No. I’m thinking about the ways in which this is not just a house. It’s a home. And that’s what really matters.

How many memories are in this one, small rectangle of a living room? 

Game nights with piles of boys playing video games and then crashing on any flat surface. 
Blankets thrown over every perfectly-positioned dining chair, turning the living room into a large fort. 
Family nights enjoyed by candlelight, with a toddler standing on his head on the couch while we teach the boys the Lord’s Prayer. 
Stacked boxes of Little Caesar’s Pizza for dinner and plates toppling over with stacks of pancakes for breakfast (how else would you feed the masses on game night?). 
Christmas Eve nights where we’ve lugged down mattresses to sleep on the floor in front of the tree together as a family. (How Santa put the gifts under the tree without waking the boys, we’ll never know).

These memories make me love this home. It’s not the structure of the house that makes it a home. It’s us! The people. The family. We made this a home. 

Over the last four years, Alan and I have been building the house of Unhurried Living. When you start something new, it is really hard work and much of it feels like an uphill climb. But at this point in our organization’s journey, the building is turning to sustaining and growing. And I prefer to think of Unhurried Living as a home.

A home for us to express all of the grace God has lavished on us over the course of our lives. A home for people who actually do want to learn to live and lead from an unhurried center, overflowing into their relationships and work. A home for creating content that trains and encourages others. 

This week, we are celebrating the 100th episode of the Unhurried Living Podcast. And in it we share what makes Unhurried Living a home. The values of Rest Deeper, Live Fuller and Lead Better and our newly unveiled dynamics of Intentional Soul Care, Strategic Personal Influence, and Rooted God-Given Identity. Certainly, these are all important elements of this home.

But you know what truly makes Unhurried Living a home? YOU! You are the reason we do what we do. And you are the reason this is a home. Your life matters. And we love being a part of encouraging you along in your process. 

Who you are informs how you do what you do. You can learn to lead from a place of confident rest in the love of God. Our mission here at Unhurried Living is to provide you with the tools and guidance you need to lead from a full soul. 

So, thank you for making Unhurried Living more than a house full of ideas. Unhurried Living is a home, full of people who are growing, changing and overflowing. 

 

Photo by Greg Rosenke on Unsplash

 

Podcast: The Essence of Unhurried Living (Our Three Dynamics)

Today is the 100th episode of The Unhurried Living Podcast! Over the course of our previous 99 episodes you’ve heard us utter the same six words every single time:. Rest deeper, live fuller, lead better. And in episodes 95, 97 and 99 we’ve addressed these core values specifically. Today we’re going to pull it all together as we give you a vision for a lifetime of transformation that is rooted, intentional and strategic. Welcome to the 100th episode of The Unhurried Living Podcast!

Learning healthy patterns of rest and work can transform your leadership— your daily influence. We live in a fast-paced culture. We often find ourselves in a hurry. Busy feels like our only option. But busyness is not always the same as productivity. Genuine productivity is doing the good work God actually prepares for you in a given day.

An unhurried life is not just about doing less and moving slowly. It is not about strolling through daisy fields or floating on clouds. Unhurried living is the most intentional way to live. Unhurried enough to pray. Unhurried enough to care. Unhurried enough to listen. Unhurried enough to create strategic priorities and to have the energy to act on them.

It’s time to get some perspective so that your leadership flows from a full soul. The practice of Unhurried Living can help you learn the healthy rhythms of rest and work. You want to make a lasting impact. Good work is more than checking off a never-ending list of to-dos. You need a way forward that is sustainable. You need a pattern of living that will work for a lifetime. It is possible to rest deeper, live fuller and lead better.

To interact with the Unhurried Living podcast on a deeper personal level, download our FREE worksheet resources.

Transitions in Identity

What does it look like to become more securely and deeply rooted in Christ, to become confident in him? I think of how Eugene Peterson paraphrased Colossians 2:6-7 in The Message: 

“My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you’ve been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You’re deeply rooted in him. You’re well-constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you’ve been taught. School’s out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.”

Isn’t that beautiful? In the very same way, we received Christ Jesus as Master, we can now live in him. How did we receive Jesus? By grace. Without earning or deserving. As a gift. 

How do we live in Jesus and lead with him? By grace. By being receptive and responsive to his generous initiative. By being blessed, and then being a blessing. Our sense of meaning and value is established by the generosity of God and not by my frantic, frenetic activities. 

But there’s a practical question to be asked: How do our roots go deeper? 

I think of the story I told in An Unhurried Life (in the “Maturity” chapter) about a vineyard in the Napa Valley region, where we gathered with a few friends to celebrate a birthday. We all flew into the San Francisco bay area and ended up at a vineyard house where we’d stay for a few days together. It was early September 2012 and the first draft of An Unhurried Life was due the week after this trip. 

As we visited vineyards, we ended up at one that did not have a wine tasting room, but we knocked on their door and happened to meet the owner, Brice. He was kind enough to give us a private audience. As he told us the story of his vineyard and winery, he began to talk about a change they’d recently made. 

Five years earlier, he had learned about “dry farming” from some fellow wine makers in France. He shared with us that dry farming involves no artificial irrigation but relies only on water than comes naturally in that particular setting. But transitioning from their irrigated vineyard to one that had only access to the water that occurred through the course of a year was costly. 

In the first harvest season, their yield dropped nearly in half. I was as if those poor vines were addicts going through withdrawals. Their roots had never been pressed to sink deeper. That season was one in which the vines had to become better rooted, and that took much of their energy and life that season. 

Our friend told us that it took a few years before their yield came back even close to what they had received before this experiment. But what was remarkable was to hear that the quality of what they are producing far exceeds the sorts of grapes they produced before. 

The dry season of transition from irrigation to God-provided sources of water enabled the roots of these vines to sink deeper. The same can happen in seasons when things seem to dry up for us as well. We’re pressed to sink our roots deeper into God-with-us. 

When our identity is dependent on lots of achievements, many acquisitions and plenty of accolades, we are like vines hooked on artificial irrigation sources. The transition to depending on our God-given identity is like moving towards dry farming. It isn’t that we produce less long-term even if we may in the near-term. It is that the quality of what we produce becomes so much more confident, joyful, peaceful and mature. We bear better fruit that lasts. 

For Reflection

How would you describe your present season? Does it feel lush or dry? 
If lush, how might you give thanks for the good things that fill your life and work? 
If dry, how might you look to God and find ways to sink your roots even deeper into the reliable reality of his love and favor?

 

Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash

Podcast: Rooted God-Given Identity (Unhurried Dynamic Three)

When it comes to our kingdom influence, insecurity is one of our great enemies. But there’s a practical question to ask: What will we do with our insecurity? Where does our confidence come from? Where is it rooted? This is what we’ll be talking about today’s on the Podcast.

Today, we’re talking about the interaction of our two Unhurried Living values: “Rest Deeper” and “Lead Better.” We’re saying this interplay is the dynamic of our Rooted God-Given Identity.

In episodes 95 and 97, we been talked about two of our Unhurried Dynamics, specifically “Intentional Soul Care” and “Strategic Personal Influence.” Today, we’ll talk about our third Unhurried Dynamic, which is “Rooted God-Given Identity.” If you haven’t already listened to those two episodes in this series, we encourage you to go back to them after you’ve listened to this episode. We believe these episodes are the most important ones we’ve done yet. And next week, for episode 100, we’ll talk about the Essence of Unhurried Living and pull these three dynamics together.

To interact with the Unhurried Living podcast on a more personal level, download our FREE worksheet resource.

The Gift of Mentors

I’ve had the treat of having many mentor-like people in my life who were ahead of me on life’s journey. They knew more than me and they readily shared their knowledge and wisdom. They believed in me and my potential and were willing to help draw me into the next level. 

Maya Angelou once said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

It is certainly true that my mentors taught and trained me, but just as Ms. Angelou stated, what I remember the most is how they made me feel. Although there have been dozens of people who poured into me throughout my life, I would love for you to get to know a little bit about three of my mentors.

First, when I was in college I had the privilege of being trained in singing by a master teacher, Mrs. Perla Warren. She was a beautiful Asian woman with a black bob and one gray streak that framed her face. She laughed easily and could be quite silly. But not in the classroom. In the classroom we were down to business. Mrs. Warren had a magical touch. She took a group of “just fine” singers and guided us into a new realm of musicality and ability. 

I don’t remember everything she said, but how did she make me feel? Seen. Capable. Believed in. Empowered. That there was quality within me and it could be teased out with practice. 

All this, poured into 19- to 21-year-old me. She was one of the early foundation layers in my life.

Second, when we first got married, Alan and I moved almost immediately to Southern California from Northern California. My first job was in the real estate department of Great Western Bank (now Chase Bank). My boss at that time was a man named Hal Clark. Hal was a very capable businessman. He, too, saw something in me and never lost a chance to help me grow and shine. 

I don’t remember everything he said, but how did he make me feel? Valued. Believed in. Challenged to rise. Stretched into my capabilities. Open to possibility and growth.

All this, poured into 21- to 27-year-old me. He was also one of the early foundation layers in my life.

Finally, when I was about 40-years-old, I began my first spiritual direction training. In that cohort was a mentor named Ellyn Cowie. I always enjoyed her presence in the training and a few short years after that, I asked her to be my spiritual director.

Ellyn walked with me for 10 years as I made my way through mid-life and all of its twists and turns. She gently and skillfully held space for me as I dove headlong into and out of the great undoing. She said many things to me in that time, but most important is how she made me feel.

How did she make me feel? Listened to. Seen. Not rushed. Important. Held.

All this, poured into mid-life me. She held space for some of the most intensive growth of my life.

My guess is that you have a list as well. People who were there for you in critical seasons of your journey. And, yes, you may remember some of what they said. But you more likely remember how you felt in their presence. How you felt because of the way they viewed you or held space for you. 

In our recent Unhurried Living Podcast Episode #97, we shared the dynamic between Living Fuller and Leading Better, which is Strategic Personal Influence.

Whether my mentors meant to or not, their personal influence had a strategic impact on me. Who they were in my life became a part of the fiber of my being. 

There are a couple of ways to respond to this great goodness. First, we can be grateful. I am so thankful for the people in my life who have made me feel valued, seen and heard. Second, we can welcome God’s invitation to reflect on our own lives. How are we giving back? Into whom are we pouring? 

Here are a few reflection questions in this regard. Ponder…when people have spent time with us…

Do they end up feeling somehow used or feeling loved? 
Do people feel that we’ve taken from them or given something to them? 
Do they feel diminished or blessed? 
Do they feel criticized or encouraged? 
Do they feel more like a competitor or a friend?

Blessings to you as you find yourself in gratitude for your mentors and as you seek to pass on some of that goodness today.

 

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

Podcast: Our Father’s Resources (Inhaling Grace Audiobook, Part 11)

Welcome to an Inhaling Grace audiobook episode of the Unhurried Living Podcast. 

Following are the next three devotionals from Inhaling Grace. May you sense the real presence of God shepherding you as you listen.

If you haven't already done so, you can purchase the Inhaling Grace Devotional here.

One Important Way to Strengthen Your Leadership

In July, Gem and I had the honor of leading a two-day retreat for the House of Bishops of the Church of Uganda. Present were the archbishop and his wife along with about 35 bishops and their wives. About one-third of today’s 43 million Ugandans are part of this national church. It was encouraging to discover that our important insights about Christian life and leadership were life-giving to them as well. 

At the end of our two days, the Archbishop expressed his appreciation for what we had taught them. Here were a few of his closing comments: 

“Sometimes we think that in the West that there are not very many people who can talk about their encounter, the beginning of their journey, with Jesus Christ. But both of you spoke about when you were young people, about how the Lord has kept you as husband and wife. And so you have shared your own experience of those many years and, indeed, God’s work in your hearts. In you, we see faithful servants, obedient to the Lord Jesus Christ and, as I have said, fellow ministers in the gospel of Jesus Christ, the gospel of the kingdom of God (emphasis mine).”

The archbishop commented on our testimony, on the way in which we shared our own experience over many years walking with Jesus. We’ve often shared that the words of calling we received in our twenties were these: “You will share your lives.” The Archbishop’s comments were among the best encouragements we’ve ever received. His words were a beautiful confirmation of what God began 30 years before.

Our greatest source of kingdom influence is our own life being transformed by God. We don’t just share ideas about God, but we share God from within our own lives. 

Jesus tells us to bring our thirsts to him, to trust him, and it will be as though rivers of living water flow from within us. By that he meant the very presence of God, the Holy Spirit, would flow from within us to bless others (Jn 7:37-39). I want to live that way. I want to lead that way. Don’t you?

We’re often invited to speak to groups in conference, retreat, and leadership team situations. We’re invited to a role of leadership in that we’re going to share the insights and wisdom we have to offer. But even in those situations, our primary source of influence is our lives that we’ve come to live rooted in God over decades of life. 

Think about the people who have had a deep impact on your life. Isn’t it usually something about who they were and how they related to you that you remember more than something they said or even did? And this is what people remember about you. This is your influence in their lives. 

So, how can you strengthen your leadership? Learn to more fully cooperate with the work of God transforming you into the image of God, and then share that story with others. 

Reflection

Again, the greatest resource you have available to you as a leader is your own life being transformed by God. How are you leaning into that transforming invitation?
How is Jesus inviting you to draw close to him, to walk with him, to work with him in this particular chapter of your life? Why not take five minutes to ask Him this question as a prayer?

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Podcast: Strategic Personal Influence (Unhurried Dynamic Two)

Many talk about the importance of leadership, in the church and in the world in general. In fact, I wrote An Unhurried Leader because we really care about good leadership.

Now there are those who want to talk about leadership hacks—quick, easy things to do that will make a huge, unexpected difference. You’ve probably noticed that in Unhurried Living, we have a bias for action that often takes longer, but produces fruit that lasts longer, too.

So today, we’re talking about how a fuller life produces better leadership—what we’re calling Strategic Personal Influence.

Take action on the ideas of this Unhurried Living Podcast and next steps in your formational journey, by downloading the free bonus resources.

Intentional Soul Care

Recently, we read a study on stress statistics published by the American Psychological Association back in 2014. The numbers from even five years ago are sobering.

77% of people regularly experience physical symptoms caused by stress. 
73% regularly experience psychological symptoms caused by stress. 
48% feel their stress has increased over the past five years. 
And 48% reported lying awake at night due to stress. 

My guess is that things haven’t gotten better in these last five years. Suicide ideation and attempt is on the rise, especially among college students. 

Why am I sharing these depressing stats with you in this email that we always describe as: “inspiration in the middle of the week, right when you need it?”

Because intentional soul care is not about floating around on a puffy cloud in a meditative state. And it’s more than “growing spiritually.” 

Intentional soul care is necessary for the health of the whole person. For your entire self.

According to Dallas Willard, “The soul encompasses and organizes the whole person, interrelating all the other dimensions of the self so that they form one person functioning in a flow of life.”

Intentional soul care, therefore, is central to our being, which makes it central to our doing. 

This is why the word “unhurried” is so important to us. It is not about doing less or moving slower. It is about the inner pace of our lives. That place where stress wants to move in and take root. We are sharing the great news that you don’t have to be a slave to anxiety, stress and overwhelm. You have a choice, and there is actually a way to live an unhurried life while thriving in your relationships and work.

If you listen to our podcast you hear the same six words every single time: rest deeper, live fuller, lead better. Intentional soul care is the dynamic between rest deeper and live fuller. I encourage you to listen to Episode 95, where we unpack the idea of intentional soul care more fully.

But, for now, I’d love to share with you a bit of Amy’s story. She works in the corporate world and is learning to try on an unhurried way of life. Here’s what she has to say:

“Recently, I was starting to emerge from a very dark period of my life, when God seemed very far away. I was angry and bitter about the losses I had experienced, and resistant to relationships in general. Enrolling in An Unhurried Collective seemed like a definite risk on my part -- putting myself and my baggage out there with people I didn't know. But God met me in the dark time, in my deepest hurt, and he brought people into my life that would help me heal and grow. Through An Unhurried Collective I am learning what it means to slow down -- to stop, linger, observe, and wonder; what replenishing myself and restoring my soul looks like -- to rest and abide in God. This experience will bring lasting relationships, and from my perspective, peace.” (Amy, Corporate Communications Manager, Current participant in An Unhurried Collective )

Doesn’t it sound like she is experiencing the fruits of resting deeper, resulting in a fuller life? But notice that resting deeper isn’t just a walk through a daisy field. Yes, she is learning to spend time alone with God and to discern God’s voice in her life in new ways. AND she is bringing what she calls “her baggage” into the light with God and some new trusted friends. 

Soul care isn’t always easy. But even the hard parts are worth it in the long run because you can become more free, more whole and more healed. Soul care can look like walking with others in a safe community who will listen and not fix, who will hold and not judge. And you’d better believe this will lead to a fuller life.

Reflection

How do you resonate with the stress stats we shared here? Are you feeling an increased amount of stress?
What do you think of Dallas Willard’s definition of the soul?
How does this add to your view of soul care?
What are some ways you can begin to build intentional soul care into your life?

Photo by Francisco Moreno on Unsplash