Alan Fadling's Blog, page 52

Podcast 180: Finding Freedom from Constant Comparison (Richella Parham) (Summer of Unhurried Favorites)

Over the summer, we are sharing ten episodes of our podcast we’re calling “Unhurried Favorites.” Today we’re sharing “Finding Freedom from Constant Comparison with Richella Parham.” Richella is a wise and trusted friend and I you’ll love the reminder to step out of the comparison trap and learn to more fully express your true self. 

We also wanted to let you know that beginning in September, Unhurried Living will give birth to a brand-new podcast, called “I Can Do That!” and it will be hosted by [me]. [I’ll] help you see the big picture and take your next step so you can transform hopes into habits. In each episode [I’ll] share one practical idea, with one simple takeaway. 

[Alan] will host the Unhurried Living Podcast. [He] will continue to interview fellow authors on themes related to An Unhurried Life. He’ll also share round table discussions with members of the Unhurried Living community on the values and practices of unhurried leadership. 

Enjoy this unhurried favorite, “Finding Freedom from Constant Comparison with Richella Parham.”

Connect with Richella on social in all the usual places!

 

You can get a free chapter of Richella's book, "Finding Freedom" by signing up on our website. If you’ve downloaded free podcast bonuses before, you can access this one and all previous resources by signing on to your Unhurried Living library. Enjoy!

Psalm 27: An Unhurried Heart

How do we learn to live an unhurried life in such a busy, anxious world? How can I cultivate an unhurried heart when there is so much on my plate? I (Alan) recently found some wise guidance while reflecting on Psalm 27. Let me share what I learned.

 

Remember Who God Is

 

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
      whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

 

David begins with God. Sounds simple, right? But there is such wisdom packed into starting with remembering who God is. God is my light, my salvation, the stronghold of my life. When I remember that, I somehow slow down inside. My fears diminish. I become unhurried.

 

Many of my fears relate to the unknown. I’m afraid of something out there beyond what I can see or behind me somewhere in the dark. When I let my fear lead, I become frantic. But the Lord is my light in any dark place. He is my salvation and will save me even when I don’t know I need saving. He is a safe place for my life. That is really good news.

 

Learn to Seek One Thing

 

One thing I ask from the Lord,
      this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
      all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
      and to seek him in his temple. (Psalm 27:4)

 

I’m inspired by David’s singular focus in this prayer. He asks one thing of the Lord. I have a hard time hearing the words “one thing” without thinking of the movie City Slickers and Curly’s secret of life: one thing. Curly leaves Mitch in the dark as to what that one thing is, but in this psalm David is crystal clear. David’s one thing is this: continual and unhurried abiding in God’s beautiful, wise, and holy presence. This is what he’s seeking. This is what he wants.

 

Too often in my prayer life I focus not on one thing but on countless things. I ask God about so many things. So many things have my attention. So many things capture my interest. But at the center of it all, drawing all things together and making sense of it all, is just one thing. This is what I should ask about. This is what I should seek. This is who I should seek.

 

What might happen in your life if, like David, you were to pray one thing—day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. How might you change, even if only a little bit at a time?

 

I have prayed this psalm prayer more times than I can count. I thirst to be a person who abides in the place where God dwells, a person in whom God abides by the Spirit through Christ. I want this to be my reality for the rest of my life. I want to be a person who beholds the beauty of the Lord in a way that transforms my countenance. I want to be like Moses, whose face literally glowed when he came off the mountain after enjoying communion with God. I’d love for my face to glow with grace, kindness, simplicity, and love.

 

Respond to God’s Inner Invitation

 

“Come,” my heart says, “seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, do I seek. (Psalm 27:8 NRSV)

 

Right now, God is saying in your heart, “Seek my face. Let me become the singular focus of your will and the only affection of your heart.” David replies, “Yes. I’ll do just that.”

 

There is a desire that rises up from deep within me and invites me to seek God’s face. There is a corresponding response of engagement to actually seek the Lord’s face. I don’t stop at wanting to seek or intending to seek or planning to seek. I seek God—today, here, now. My heart desires to seek, and I take action to seek. It is God’s Spirit that puts that desire in me, and it is God’s Spirit that enables me to actually respond.

 

An Unhurried Process to Follow

When you think about God, what feelings arise? Do you feel light, cared for, and safe? David does in Psalm 27. If you don’t feel these things, what do your feelings say about how you see God these days? Take a little time to think and pray about this.


Take a moment to list the many things in your life that concern you, interest you, involve you, keep you from being unhurried. Can you imagine these as countless spokes of a wheel around a singular hub? Why not pray David’s prayer in verse 4 word for word as a way of remembering that one thing to which God invites us.


How do you sense God’s invitation to seek his face? How would you like to respond to that invitation?

 

Photo by Cathal Mac an Bheatha on Unsplash

 

Podcast 179: Intentional Soul Care (Summer of Unhurried Favorites)

Over the summer, we are sharing ten episodes of our podcast we’re calling “Unhurried Favorites.” Today we’re sharing “Intentional Soul Care.” I’ve often said that one of the greatest challenges for men and women of influence is the care of their own souls. It’s rare when someone asks another who is leading them about how their souls are doing, so intentionality about soul care is key. 

We also wanted to let you know that beginning in September, Unhurried Living will give birth to a brand-new podcast, called “I Can Do That!” and it will by Gem.  Gem will help you see the big picture and take your next step so you can transform hopes into habits. In each episode she will share one practical idea, with one simple takeaway. 

Alan will host the Unhurried Living Podcast. He will continue to interview fellow authors on themes related to An Unhurried Life. He’ll also share round table discussions with members of the Unhurried Living community on the values and practices of unhurried leadership. 

But today, enjoy this unhurried favorite, “Intentional Soul Care.”

Very Married

My husband, Alan, and I are very married. In fact, last month we celebrated our 36th anniversary.

 

I first laid eyes on Alan when I was 17 years old. It was the summer of 1981, and I was sitting in the back row of seats during an evening service at church. My cousin whispered to me out of the side of her mouth, “Gem, Gem, look over there.” Her eyes motioned to the right.

 

Evidently, we were there to check out guys. I know this because the next words out of her mouth were, “Look at that guy.” I leaned forward and there was the cutest guy I had ever seen in my life—tall, blond, and blue-eyed. I looked back at my cousin and was like, “Wow!”

 

Of course, it took almost two more years before that guy decided to look my way. Whatever.

 

No one gets this far into a marriage without glorious highs and severe lows. And Alan and I have traversed it all—together.

 

Longtime love is like that. You hang in there no matter what, and the payoff is tremendous. We have a relationship that is deep and refined, like wine that is produced from grapes that have been dry farmed. We are reaping the harvest of allowing our roots to dig down deep and produce fruit even during a drought.

 

That cute guy across the aisle at church turned out to be much more than a handsome face. Even at my ripe old age of 19 I could see that Alan had the mantle of leadership on him, and that is even more true today. He is a grower and a learner, and he shares those qualities beautifully. And even better, his blue eyes still make my heart go pitter-pat.

 

Alan and I see and know each other exactly as we are. Nothing is hidden. And we still choose to love each other over and over and over again. That is longtime love.

 

Every season of love has its beauty. A few years ago, we attended the wedding of two young friends. The fresh bloom of their new love was in the air. Nothing but future before them. Glorious!

 

Now in the second half of life, Alan and I find ourselves in the season of decades-old love. We read each other’s minds, finish each other’s sentences, and can sit together for long periods of time without saying anything. Glorious!

 

If you’re a fan of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy, you will know that Meredith and Derek had a Post-it wedding. They wrote their vows on a Post-it note and signed it.

 

Derek [writing on a square, blue Post-it]: What do we want to promise each other?

 

Meredith: That you’ll love me even when you hate me.

 

Derek [continues writing]: To love each other even when we hate each other. No running. Ever. Nobody walks out, no matter what happens.

 

Meredith: No running.

 

Derek: What else?

 

Meredith: That we’ll take care of each other, even when we’re old and smelly and senile, and if I get Alzheimer’s and forget you . . .

 

Derek: I will remind you who I am every day. . . . To take care when old, senile, smelly. This . . . is . . . forever. Sign.

 

Meredith: This is our wedding? A Post-it?

 

Derek: Mm-hmm. If you sign it.

 

Meredith [signs]: Now what?

 

Derek: Now I kiss the bride.

 

Meredith: Married.

 

Derek: Married.

 

They later framed the Post-it note and hung it over their bed. Whenever things got really hard, they would declare, “I call Post-it!” That hearkened back to the promises they had made to each other, and they would choose to pull through whatever situation was before them.

 

I’m not saying Meredith and Derek are my model for the perfect marriage, but I do like what was on their Post-it note. Longtime love happens when two people decide they are committed for life and for real and they both work on it together.

 

Alan and I have each continued growing and changing over the years, and we’ve both had to learn some new dance steps. Sometimes we’ve just had to change our dancing shoes. Other times we’ve had to completely change ballrooms. But the point is, we keep dancing.

 

So, my dear Alan, here’s to the first 36 years. As we aim at the next 36 years, I promise to love you even when I hate you. I promise not to run. I promise to take care of you when you are old and smelly. I promise to remind you who I am every day. These two hearts . . . never apart.

 

 

P.S.: Please note that this is meant to be a tribute to Alan, to our marriage, and to longtime love at its best. However, if you or someone you know is in any kind of abusive relationship or marriage, it is not time to “hang in there and keep dancing.” Seek help and get to a safe place, both physically and emotionally.

Podcast 178: How to Plan a Restful Vacation (Summer of Unhurried Favorites)

Over the summer, we are sharing ten episodes of our podcast we’re calling “Unhurried Favorites.” Today we’re sharing “How to Take a Restful Vacation.” This may seem odd considering we are still knee deep in the dynamics of the pandemic. And yet we are seeing people becoming more active than before. So whether you are planning a getaway or a staycation, we hope you’ll find these insights useful as you make your way toward some rest.

 

In this episode Alan and Gem share their experiences during a dream 34th anniversary vacation trip to Italy and Spain. It was beautiful, they saw amazing sights, and were gone long enough to disengage from work and to come back refreshed. But it wasn’t all perfect. Today, they share what we learned about themselves and what a true vacation for them looks like. How can you get away, have fun, and refuel with deep rest? The answer might be different for everyone. 

Good at Being Bad?

There are lines in Scripture that make me wince when I (Alan) read them. Here’s one I read recently:

 

My people are fools;

they do not know me.

They are senseless children;

they have no understanding.

They are skilled in doing evil;

they know not how to do good. (Jeremiah 4:22)

 

What a tragedy when someone who identifies as one of God’s people is so foolish that they (1) don’t actually know or understand the God they claim to belong to, and (2) have instead become well-trained in doing exactly what grieves God’s heart.

 

The word fool here doesn’t seem to mean “idiot” as much as “clueless person.” It refers to someone who lacks understanding of what God wants and how things work in God’s kingdom.

 

I’m especially sad when I read that they were “skilled in doing evil” but clueless about doing good. One definition I found for skilled is “having or showing the knowledge, ability, or training to perform a certain activity or task well.” To be skilled in evil means having a practiced ability, even being trained, in how best to accomplish evil.

 

So, for example, a person may identify as one of God’s people but be skilled in gossip. They may have trained themselves to keep an ear open for juicy morsels of information about others. They may watch for opportune moments to experience the exquisite thrill of being in the know and of being admired by others for their inside information. Without perhaps meaning to, such a person is training themselves to be good at gossip.

 

Jesus, however, invites us to train ourselves and become skilled in doing good. To truly be God’s people by living in God’s way, guided and empowered by God’s Spirit, bearing the fruit of God’s kingdom. We can grow more and more proficient in the ways of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and so forth (see Galatians 5:22–23). What an invitation! What a life! What good news!

 

What is one skill for eternal living that you are drawn to? How might God be inviting you to become well-practiced in the ways of the Spirit (e.g., peace, patience, gentleness, etc.)?

 

Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

There are lines in Scripture that make me wince when I (A...

There are lines in Scripture that make me wince when I (Alan) read them. Here’s one I read recently:

 

My people are fools;

they do not know me.

They are senseless children;

they have no understanding.

They are skilled in doing evil;

they know not how to do good. (Jeremiah 4:22)

 

What a tragedy when someone who identifies as one of God’s people is so foolish that they (1) don’t actually know or understand the God they claim to belong to, and (2) have instead become well-trained in doing exactly what grieves God’s heart.

 

The word fool here doesn’t seem to mean “idiot” as much as “clueless person.” It refers to someone who lacks understanding of what God wants and how things work in God’s kingdom.

 

I’m especially sad when I read that they were “skilled in doing evil” but clueless about doing good. One definition I found for skilled is “having or showing the knowledge, ability, or training to perform a certain activity or task well.” To be skilled in evil means having a practiced ability, even being trained, in how best to accomplish evil.

 

So, for example, a person may identify as one of God’s people but be skilled in gossip. They may have trained themselves to keep an ear open for juicy morsels of information about others. They may watch for opportune moments to experience the exquisite thrill of being in the know and of being admired by others for their inside information. Without perhaps meaning to, such a person is training themselves to be good at gossip.

 

Jesus, however, invites us to train ourselves and become skilled in doing good. To truly be God’s people by living in God’s way, guided and empowered by God’s Spirit, bearing the fruit of God’s kingdom. We can grow more and more proficient in the ways of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and so forth (see Galatians 5:22–23). What an invitation! What a life! What good news!

 

What is one skill for eternal living that you are drawn to? How might God be inviting you to become well-practiced in the ways of the Spirit (e.g., peace, patience, gentleness, etc.)?

 

Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

Podcast 177: The Deeply Formed Life (Alan with Rich Villodas)

Here at Unhurried Living, we are often trying to find any number of ways to invite you into the depth of the work God wants to do both in you and through you for the good of others. One of Paul’s prayers has him asking that God would powerfully strengthen us inwardly through his Spirit so that Christ might dwell in our hearts more fully. Doesn’t that sound inviting?  

Well, today I’m glad to be sharing a recent conversation on this theme of depth that I had with Rich Villodas (vee-yo-duss) about his book The Deeply Formed Life. I love the robust and holistic vision he offers us in it. So that’s what we’ll be talking about on today’s episode of the Unhurried Living podcast. 

Rich Villodas is the Brooklyn-born lead pastor of New Life Fellowship, a large, multiracial church with more than seventy-five countries represented in Elmhurst, Queens. Rich graduated with a BA in pastoral ministry and theology from Nyack College. He went on to complete his Master of Divinity from Alliance Theological Seminary. He enjoys reading widely, and preaching and writing on contemplative spirituality, justice-related issues, and the art of preaching. He's been married to Rosie since 2006 and they have two children, Karis and Nathan.

Follow and learn from Rich on social:
Instagram at @richvillodas
Facebook at @rvillodas
Twitter at @richvillodas

Managing Your Inner Fixer

In March, I completed the process of becoming a certified life coach. My training included some timely reminders of my training as a spiritual director, such as active listening, asking powerful questions, and holding sacred space. I also learned some new techniques that I have found helpful when meeting with coaching clients as well as practicing in my own life.

 

The idea of “managing the fixer” is a standout coaching skill that I think might be helpful for all of us. Let’s begin with a quote from Parker Palmer:

 

“Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed—to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.” (Parker J. Palmer, “The Gift of Presence, the Perils of Advice”)

 

What a beautiful reminder for us to honor and respect another person’s journey. This is one of the great things I have learned as a spiritual director and now as a life coach. Every person is on their own journey, and we each have what we need tucked inside ourselves. Holding space for someone, when done with patience and grace, can provide much-needed freedom for them to find their own answers. In addition, God is transforming each person, and I can trust his process and come alongside to support.

 

This idea of holding space isn’t just for spiritual directors, coaches, and pastors. I believe this is an invitation for all of us. It is so easy to fall into fixer mode when we listen to our friends and family members. They share their circumstances with us, and we only half listen as we focus on all the ways they could solve their problems.

 

It’s one thing if someone asks you for advice. Of course you can respond then. But I bet you’ve noticed that most people simply want to be seen and heard. They want to know they are not alone. They desire empathy and support. As people of presence, we can be that kind of friend, family member, or coworker.

 

The next time someone shares with you, here are a few ways to manage your own inner fixer: 

Truly listen. Focus and let distractions move on by. Take in what they are saying.
Get curious. Ask clarifying, open-ended questions that will help you understand them better.
Empathize and mirror. Repeat back what you heard them say and describe your understanding of their feelings.
Remember God is at work. God is in the transformation business. You can relax, trusting that God is at work in this person’s life.

 

These are just a few ideas to get you started.

 

For Reflection 

Look at your calendar for this week, or simply think of your upcoming relational engagements.
With whom might you practice managing your inner fixer?
Which of the above ideas do you want to try?
Ask God to help you grow in your ability to hold space.

 

You know how good it feels when someone gifts you with their undivided attention and presence? Let’s give that kind of attention as we seek to serve others.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Podcast 176: Embodying our Faith (Gem with Sarah Panther)

The connection between our minds and our bodies is undeniable. And even though the scientific world confirms this, practically speaking, we don’t always know how to make the most of this God-designed connection. Our guest today is Sarah Panther and she is going to talk about this connection by sharing her story of ongoing chronic illness and how she has moved to greater healing. Welcome to the Unhurried Living Podcast. 

Sarah Jackson Panther is a health coach and writer. She works with people navigating journeys of grief, trauma recovery, chronic illness, and limbic system retraining and writes about finding hope and healing in the darkness. She’s also the creator of an online healing movement class, called “Release, Rewire, and Restore,” designed to help participants release stored trauma, rewire their brains, and step into soulful restoration. You can learn more about her class and coaching at www.sarahpanther.com and can connect with her on Instagram and Facebook as Sarah Jackson Panther.