Alan Fadling's Blog, page 4

UL #344: 7 Ways to Release Stress and Reclaim Your Life with Tracie Braylock

 

In this episode, Tracie Braylock joins Gem Fadling to explore how we can release the stress we were never meant to carry. Stress isn’t just a nuisance—it can quietly erode our peace, health, and capacity to enjoy life. Tracie brings a holistic approach to well-being, weaving together mind, body, spirit, and biblical wisdom to help us relax more intentionally and live more freely.

We discuss:

Why understanding that you are fearfully and wonderfully made is a foundation for healing

How to identify and address the root causes of stress

What the “relaxation response” is and how to activate it

The 9 Rs of Radical Relaxation and how they apply to power, mind, body, spirit, and relationships

Why rest is not laziness, but an essential practice

How to realign your spirit and deepen your connection with God

 

This is a gentle but powerful conversation filled with wisdom and grace. If you’ve been feeling the weight of stress in your life, may this episode be a breath of fresh air and an invitation to slow down and reclaim your peace.

✨ Listen in and let go of what was never yours to carry. ✨

🔗 Learn more about Tracie Braylock
📖 Check out her book Radical Relaxation

About Tracie:
Tracie Braylock is a registered nurse, integrative health practitioner, and wellness educator who helps women and organizations prioritize well-being through holistic care practices. As the author of Radical Relaxation, she combines science, soul, and scripture to guide others toward lasting peace, healing, and wholeness.

How Social Media Challenges Your Soul—and Gentle Ways to Thrive

Blog by Gem Fadling

Social media is a complicated gift, isn’t it? On one hand, it has enabled me to connect with some amazing women. I treasure the friendships I’ve formed, and that’s a big reason I’ve stayed.

 

But there’s another side too—one that brings up some deeper inner work and shows I still need to look at what’s going on inside me. Even if I were disconnected from it all, I would still have to address the discontent, jealousy, and pride that emerge when I scroll, because they will simply pop up another way.

 

It’s a lot to process, and yet I stay. I stay because social media has become such a regular part of life and because I do want to encourage people toward an unhurried life. Instagram is still one good way to do that.

 

But the game still eats away at me. Especially on Instagram, I see images of immaculate homes, inspiring vacations, flawless faces, toned bodies, and stylish clothing. Peppered among these posts are videos for ways to shop, organize, and fluff, plus ads for every kind of diet—many of which contradict each other but all claiming to be the secret to health.

 

And there’s nothing wrong with those things. I also like to organize, clean, wear makeup, collect recipes, and stay healthy. What I am addressing here is this question: What is the engine under the hood that drives me? The things I listed above—shopping, eating, and so forth—are all externals.

 

It is important that I also focus on my internal journey.

 

I will keep wearing makeup. I will keep wearing cute clothes. I will continue to organize and beautify my home.

 

AND…even more important than all that is asking myself these questions: 

How am I noticing and collecting healthy thoughts and feelings?
How am I clothing myself with humility and gentleness?
How am I feeding goodness to my mind, heart, and body?

 

These aren’t questions intended to add pressure. They are gentle invitations to check in with myself and explore what’s helping me thrive and what’s holding me back.

 

This practice also reminds me that the externals don’t sustain my soul. No matter how beautiful or organized or put together my life might look on the outside, it’s what is happening on the inside that ultimately shapes my peace, my joy, and my sense of God’s presence.

 

Being driven by externals doesn’t work, as it leads me down the path of discontent, jealousy, and pride. And I certainly do not want to be compelled by those dynamics.

 

I know I don’t have to sermonize on this trio of words. Just reading them, it’s obvious that they are not helpful or productive ways forward. So instead of discontent, jealousy, and pride, let’s try:

 

Contentment

Gratitude

Humility

 

As I notice the unhealthy responses showing up when I peruse my Instagram feed, I can practice welcoming a healthier way. I can instead allow the following passages to bubble up within myself:

 

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. (1 Tim. 6:6-7)

 

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Col. 3:17)

 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Phil. 2:3-4)

 

This is what I truly desire, and I will continue to aim my thoughts, heart, and body toward this goodness. Here are three practical ideas as you engage social media:

 

Practice a Sacred Pause Before Scrolling

Before opening your social media apps, pause for a moment to check in with yourself and ask: What am I seeking right now? Connection? Encouragement? Inspiration? Take a deep breath, offer a short prayer, and enter your online space with intention. This sacred pause might help you approach social media as a tool rather than allowing it to become a mean boss.

 

Pivot to Gratitude Post-Scroll

After spending time on social media, take a few minutes to reflect on something specific you are grateful for in your own life. Whether it’s a conversation, a moment of beauty, or a simple joy, let this practice re-center your heart on the abundance you already have. Gratitude gently shifts your focus away from comparison and toward contentment.

 

Curate Your Feed for Soulful Living

Take time to evaluate who and what you follow. Are these accounts nurturing your inner peace, fostering gratitude, and aligning with your values? If not, consider unfollowing or muting them. Replace them with voices that inspire humility, contentment, and gratitude. Intentionally curating your feed turns it into a space of encouragement rather than envy or competition. 

 

For Reflection: 

How might you describe what comes up in you when you spend time on social media? What do those feelings invite you to notice?
In what ways could you cultivate gratitude and contentment this week, particularly in areas where comparison has crept in?
What would it look like today to let go of external pressures and practice humility and simplicity?

 

UL #343: Slowing Down for Deep Healing with Nicholas and Sheila Rowe

 

Leadership is sacred work—but it can also leave wounds. What happens when unaddressed pain begins to shape the way we lead? And how can healing restore not only our souls but also the communities we serve?

In this episode, Alan Fadling is joined by Nicolas Rowe and Sheila Wise-Rowe, authors of Healing Leadership Trauma: Finding Emotional Health and Helping Others Flourish. Together, they offer a wise, grace-filled vision of leadership rooted in wholeness rather than woundedness.

This conversation is an invitation—to slow down, to pay attention to your inner life, and to believe that healing is not only possible but essential to healthy, sustainable leadership.

 

🎧 Topics we explore:

What leadership trauma actually is—and why it’s often missed

Why expectations can crush leaders, and how to be free of them

How unhurried rhythms and reflection can lead to deep healing

The surprising strength of vulnerability in leadership

How community, not isolation, fosters restoration

Practical steps to begin a healing journey today

Whether you’re feeling weary, burned out, or just ready to lead from a deeper well, this episode is for you.

 

🎙️ GUEST BIOS

Nicolas Rowe is a professor of leadership, a licensed therapist, and a leadership coach. With a deep understanding of both organizational systems and individual healing, he helps leaders navigate the emotional challenges that come with responsibility and influence.

Sheila Wise-Rowe is a trauma counselor, spiritual director, and author of Healing Racial Trauma. She brings decades of experience helping individuals and communities face pain with courage and move toward healing with hope.

Together, Nicolas and Sheila are passionate about helping leaders move from merely surviving to truly flourishing.

Trying to Be in Control Wears Us Out

Blog by Alan Fadling

One of the surprising bits of good news in the gospel is that by acknowledging Jesus is Lord and thus releasing our self-centered autonomy, we find freedom. Letting go of control doesn’t mean losing but instead gaining a life that is rich with trust, peace, and joy. It’s wonderfully freeing!

 

What if surrender isn’t a sign of weakness but a doorway to abundance? In a culture that glorifies busyness and self-reliance, we often feel weighed down by responsibilities we were never meant to carry. Let’s explore how releasing the illusion of control can open us to the gift of trust.

 

It’s been my experience that trying to control things I can’t control is burdensome, while trusting in God’s shepherding care is a light and easier way to live. Let’s look at this big idea from three perspectives.

 

1. The Burden of Control vs. the Gift of Trust

In our fast-paced culture, we equate control with security. But attempting to control everything can actually leave us feeling insecure, anxious, and overburdened. A posture of truth, by contrast, invites us to live with open hands. Instead of carrying the weight of every outcome, we can rest in the assurance that the God of the universe is at work in our lives and our circumstances. This shift allows us to focus on being present and faithful in the moment.

 

Listen to the beautiful simplicity of this message from the book of Proverbs:

 

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;

he’s the one who will keep you on track. (Proverbs 3:5-6 Message)

 

Think about your life in this present moment or in the week that lies ahead of you. Ask yourself: What would it look like to loosen my grip and trust God from the bottom of my heart? To listen for God's voice instead of striving to figure out everything all on my own? I’m not saying this is easy, but living this way does relieve us of burdens God didn’t intend for us to carry. That’s the good news of trust—it lightens our load and opens the way for inner peace.

 

2. The Unexpected Freedom of Submission

I wrote about paradoxical freedom in my book A Non-Anxious Life. Submission gets a bad rap because it’s often confused with passivity or weakness. True submission is about aligning with a purpose greater than ourselves. It’s recognizing that we are part of something bigger, which liberates us from the pressure to make life all about self.

 

If you hired a personal trainer, would you be at your best if you resisted their every recommendation? Would that be the definition of freedom for you? Of course not. Holy submission to the wiser guidance of a coach would allow you to flourish without striving.

 

Eugene Peterson had this to say in his book As Kingfishers Catch Fire:

 

“Our participation in the land and language ‘of the living’ must always be responsive. It is not, to use one of our more dreadful neologisms, proactive. We commonly use words like believing, receiving, obeying, and hoping to characterize the responsive, submissive nature of this participation. But we don’t commonly consider the patient, human not-doing in which such participation necessarily begins. We are impatient to get on with it. But there is a kind of initial willed passivity in which all truly Christian creative living begins, a silence and a waiting, attentiveness and adoration, a letting go and simply being here.”*

 

I’ve often said that while the Christian life is active, it isn’t full of activity for God as much as it is activity with God. This is true even in submission to God’s guidance and counsel. Peterson’s frustration with the idea of being proactive is not about a lack of initiative. It’s about initiative that isn’t first a response to God’s leadership in our lives.

 

But the Christian life is not frantic, driven activity for God. It is gracious, peaceful, love-compelled life and work with God. We are stewards rather than owners. We are servants rather than bosses. We are invited to obedience, surrender, and submission. These do not diminish us. They free us to live into all the goodness God is inviting us into.

 

3. The Myth of Self-Sufficiency

There is a sort of “holy” independence from unhelpful urgings that would lead us into enslavement. But self-sufficiency, in the end, is a mirage. The more we chase it, the thirstier we become. We become like a branch separated from the vine.

 

But when we admit our need for others and for God, we step into a richer experience of life. Collaboration and community flourish when we release the exhausting need to be “enough” all on our own.

 

One of the reasons that our sense of responsibility becomes overwhelming is that we’re trying to carry something we weren’t meant to. Rather than giving us a yoke to carry on our own, I believe Jesus invites us to join him in the yoke he is carrying.

 

Think about these scriptural ideas: 

Jesus comes to serve, not to be served (even though he’s completely worthy of being served) (Matthew 20:28).
 Jesus doesn’t think of us first as servants but as his friends (John 15:15).
 Yet, Paul and the other apostles think of themselves as servants, even slaves. (Romans 1:1).

 

How do these things go together?

 

We are servant-friends with Jesus. We don’t think more highly of ourselves than of Jesus. We are servants like Jesus is. We are friends with the One who prefers to make others the focus of his attention.

 

It is good news when we let go of the mirage of self-sufficiency.

 

A Life of Trust, Freedom, and Grace

Jesus’s invitation is not to carry the crushing weight of control, self-sufficiency, or striving. It is to step into a life marked by trust, submission, and deep reliance on God’s love and wisdom. When we release what we were never meant to carry, we find ourselves receiving what we were always meant to have—peace, joy, and a sense of belonging in God’s care. This is not a loss; it is an incredible gain. What if surrender is not the end of something good but the beginning of something better? What if letting go is the way we finally become free?

 

For Reflection:

Where in your life are you holding on to control in a way that is actually making you more anxious rather than more secure?
How might submission to God’s guidance lead you into greater freedom rather than constricting you?
In what ways have you experienced the exhaustion of self-sufficiency, and how might leaning into community and dependence on God bring you rest?

 

*Eugene Peterson, As Kingfishers Catch Fire (Waterbrook, 2017), p. 14.

UL #342: Unlocking the Power of Your Adult Self with Michelle Chalfant

 

What if your self-doubt, overreactions, or stuck-ness aren’t the real you? What if freedom is simply a matter of coming home to yourself?

Welcome to the Unhurried Living Podcast with Gem Fadling—where we help you rest deeper, live fuller, and lead better.

In this episode, Gem is joined by Michelle Chalfant, therapist, coach, and creator of The Adult Chair model, a framework that blends psychology and spirituality to help you understand your inner world and live from your truest self.

Together, they unpack:

The three "chairs" that represent emotional development

Why your ego may still be using outdated maps from childhood

How to recognize and work with your inner critic and emotional triggers

Why boundaries are deeply connected to your self-worth

What it looks like to live confidently and securely from The Adult Chair

If you've ever felt trapped by old patterns, longed for emotional peace, or struggled to change despite your best efforts, this conversation will encourage you—and equip you with tools to grow.

🎧 Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe for more episodes that guide you toward a more unhurried, wholehearted life.

Resources Mentioned:

Michelle Chalfant’s book: The Adult Chair

The Adult Chair Podcast

Learn more at michellechalfant.com

Guest Bio:
Michelle Chalfant is a therapist, holistic life coach, author, and speaker who has spent over 25 years helping people break free from the patterns that hold them back. She is the creator of The Adult Chair, a transformative model of self-discovery that integrates developmental psychology, neuroscience, and spiritual growth. Michelle is also the host of The Adult Chair Podcast, with over 10 million downloads, where she shares tools and insights to help listeners live more authentic, empowered lives. Through her courses, community, and coaching certification program, she equips others to step into emotional health and freedom.

3 Invitations to a Deeper Connection with God

Blog by Gem Fadling

Many years ago, a friend of mine (Gem) was going through a very uncertain and difficult time. Life was pressing in and she was losing hope. As she shared her story with me, an image of a long, dark train tunnel emerged in my mind. In the distance was a pinhole of light.

 

I shared this image with her, and in that moment, it gave her hope in God. Even though the tunnel was long and dark, the light was a small ray of hope in an otherwise heavy time.

 

The truth of Psalm 27:1 came bursting forth from that tiny light: “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?” That is the power of the reality of God’s love and care.

 

Many years later I briefly reconnected with my friend. I had long forgotten this conversation, but she reminded me and mentioned how much it meant to her. She still carried the memory of God meeting her in that tunnel and journeying with her along the way.

 

This is our God. And this is how I know a connection with the Holy Spirit was made: The sacred imprint lasted.

 

We may not know the whole path ahead, but God’s presence illuminates enough for us to take the next step in faith. It’s a comforting reminder that, while we may not have all the answers, God walks with us in the dark.

 

One of my favorite verses is Psalm 27:4: “One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.”

 

That pinhole of light in the tunnel is like the “one thing” the psalmist speaks of here. The tunnel’s darkness blocks out…and guides our view in a single important direction. The darkness blocks out all other situations and distractions and guides our view in one important direction.

 

I still remember the first time I read that verse and was struck by the singular focus of God only. This is such a welcome example and invitation when I am so often distracted.

 

I also think it’s a bit funny when David says “one thing I ask” and then goes on to list three things. Though I suppose they do combine into one thought, as tucked inside one thing are some really important verbs: dwell, gaze, and seek.

 

Let’s spend some time with each of these invitations.

 

DWELL

Psalm 139:7-10 says:

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8  If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9  If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10  even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

 

Dwelling isn’t so much a choice as it is a realizing and remembering my location. Like a fish dwells in water, we dwell in God. There is no place we can go that is separate from God. God is not elsewhere.

 

The dictionary definition of the verb dwell is “to live as a resident.” So dwelling in God means we are making our home in him. Even just a few moments of remembering this reality can bring a bit of peace to an otherwise stressful day.

 

Acts 17:28 says, “In him we live and move and have our being.”  You live in God. And even more amazingly, God lives in you.

 

What would it look like to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of your life? Ponder this and see what ideas emerge.

 

GAZE

Marina Abramović is a Serbian artist whose living art piece, The Artist Is Present, deeply affected me many years ago.

 

The following description is from the Museum of Modern Art website:

“Day after day, Marina Abramović sat motionless for eight hours in the Museum’s central atrium as members of the public took turns sitting across from her and gazing silently into her eyes. Could a simpler performance be imagined? It entailed nothing other than the artist’s presence, without action or words—and yet it was nothing short of a spectacle. Visitors laughed, cried, and attested to spiritual experiences. Thousands waited in line for their moment with Abramović, and thousands more watched the live stream online. The most mundane act of human contact had been turned, as if by magic, into an irresistible catalyst for emotion.”

 

You can see the power of Marina’s gaze in this brief clip.

 

Gazing is a lost art because it relies on a quietness of spirit and a determination to sink into an unhurried moment. Like a sharp knife, the act of gazing can penetrate into the heart of a person. No words are needed. The loving, present gaze is enough.

 

What would it look like to pause for a moment and “gaze upon the beauty of the Lord”? What might emerge from such an encounter? Try it and see…

 

SEEK

When I think of the word seek, the childhood game of hide and seek immediately jumps to mind. I picture the expectancy and joy of a little one seeking her parent as she races through the house or around the back yard.

 

It can be easy to think of seeking as some kind of assignment or drudgery. It takes energy to go on a search, to intentionally try to find something or someone. But inviting the vitality of delight into your search just might change everything.

 

What would it look like to seek God in his temple? How might a childlike inner stance help guide you into this seeking?

 

Dwell, gaze, and seek all combine into the one thing our true self desires most—God himself. When might you give yourself the gift of a little time spent experimenting with this one, most important invitation?

 

For Reflection: 

What would it look like to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of your life? Ponder this and see what ideas emerge.
What would it look like to pause for a moment and “gaze upon the beauty of the Lord”? What might emerge from such an encounter? Try it and see…
What would it look like to seek God in his temple? How might a childlike inner stance help guide you in this seeking?

UL #341: What Does It Really Mean to “Go Deeper” in Faith?

 

Have you ever stood at the edge of the ocean and been struck by its vastness—its depth? That sense of something greater calling to us? Today, Alan Fadling invites us into a reflection on the spiritual hunger so many of us carry: a longing not just to know about God, but to be deeply rooted in God.

In this episode, Alan explores what it means to cultivate a life of soul-depth, spiritual depth, and heart depth. Drawing from his book An Unhurried Life, the writings of J.I. Packer and Hans Urs von Balthasar, and his own pastoral journey, Alan encourages us to move beyond surface-level faith toward a life shaped by love, receptivity, and transformation.

📖 Topics we’ll explore:

Why knowing about God isn’t the same as being deeply formed by God

The difference between wide spiritual knowledge and rooted spiritual maturity

How slowing down can open us to a more contemplative, relational depth with God

 

This is a conversation for anyone who feels the ache of a shallow faith and longs for something more enduring, more transformative, and more deeply connected.

 

🎧 Mentioned in this episode:

An Unhurried Life (Revised Audiobook, narrated by Alan)

Prayer by Hans Urs von Balthasar

Living as God’s Beloved, Not a Programmed Machine

Blog by Alan Fadling

One of the most powerful truths we can embrace is this: We are not machines—we are God’s beloved children. Our culture tells us that our worth is measured by our output, but God’s economy is different. His love for us is not transactional. It’s based not on what we accomplish but on who we are.

 

Love Over Labor

If we see ourselves as machines, we may believe we must earn love through productivity. But Scripture reminds us that God loved us before we did anything for him. We are made to abide in that love, not to strive endlessly for approval. We work from love rather than for love.

 

When Paul wrote to the church in Corinth, he reminded them that while we may plant and water, it is God who makes things grow (1 Cor. 3:5-9). We are invited to participate in God’s work, but we are not ultimately responsible for making things happen. That’s God’s job. And he’s very good at what he does!

 

Rest as an Act of Trust

 Sometimes we’re tempted to treat rest like a luxury. But it isn’t. It is an act of faith. When we step away from work, we acknowledge that the world doesn’t revolve around our efforts. It keeps turning because God sustains it—even when we are resting. Choosing to rest is choosing to trust that God’s provision is enough.

 

Jesus modeled this rhythm in his own life. He worked, but he also withdrew. He served, but he also rested. If the Son of God saw rest as essential, why do we so often resist it?

 

A Life of Grace and Growth

 What would it look like for you to live as God’s beloved rather than a machine driven by the need to produce? It might mean:

 

Beginning your day by remembering you are already loved before doing anything.
Letting go of the need to measure your worth by what you accomplish.
Practicing rest not as an afterthought but as a core part of your life.

 

You are not a machine. You are a deeply loved child of God. When you live from that truth, you experience life as it was meant to be—abundant, free, and deeply rooted in God’s grace.

 

For Reflection:

In what ways have you let your worth become tied to your productivity?
In one practical way, how might resting become an act of trust in God?
What would change if you truly believed you are already loved?

UL #340: Willpower Isn't Enough with Ian Morgan Cron

 

Have you ever found yourself grasping for a quick fix—work, food, social media, or endless productivity—to ease the discomfort of life? What if true healing and freedom don't come from trying harder, but from surrendering more deeply?

In this episode of the Unhurried Living Podcast, host Gem Fadling sits down with Ian Morgan Cron—bestselling author, psychotherapist, Enneagram teacher, and Episcopal priest—to talk about his new book, The Fix. This fresh and deeply personal exploration of the Twelve Steps goes far beyond addiction recovery. It's an invitation for all of us to embrace a more honest, grace-filled, and spiritually awake life.

Whether you’re feeling stuck, tired of surface-level fixes, or longing for true transformation, this conversation will meet you right where you are—and gently invite you to something deeper.

🌿 Key Topics Include:

Uncovering our hidden addictions and coping mechanisms

Why surrender—not willpower—is the true beginning of change

The wisdom and grace of the Twelve Steps

How shame gets in the way of healing, and how grace restores

Building spiritual "muscle memory" through daily practices

A path to healing that integrates therapy, spirituality, and real-life transformation

🎧 Listen in for a conversation that might just be the invitation your soul has been waiting for.

 

Guest Bio:  Ian Morgan Cron is a bestselling author, psychotherapist, Enneagram teacher, and Episcopal priest. He’s widely known for his work integrating psychology and spirituality, especially through the lens of the Enneagram. Ian is the author of The Road Back to You and his latest book, The Fix, offers a transformative look at the Twelve Steps as a spiritual path for everyone. With warmth, humor, and vulnerability, Ian invites readers and listeners alike to a life of deeper honesty, healing, and grace.

How to Express Your True Voice

Blog by Gem Fadling

When I was in my twenties, working in the corporate world, I once took a Social Styles test that was supposed to help me better understand myself and my work relationships.

 

This test categorizes a person as Analytical, Expressive, Amiable, or Driver according to where they fall on a scale of being less or more assertive and either more task-oriented or more people-oriented. The results are based not on feelings but on actions and how others perceive you. In fact, part of the test involves your coworkers also taking a test on how they view you.

 

I was under 25 at the time, so I wasn’t even fully baked yet as a human. All my flaws were in high command, to say the least, and I did not have full use of my own voice or my agency in the world.

 

When my test results came back I was categorized as Amiable. This meant I was more people-oriented and less assertive. At face value, there’s no problem there. There was no “right” or “best” type; it was simply information. But I distinctly remember feeling upset with that word amiable. I wanted to be labeled Expressive because it sounded much more interesting.

 

To me, being called amiable was the same as being labeled a doormat. Sure, whatever you want. No worries, I can handle it. I’ll just adjust to whatever comes up. Again, there is nothing wrong with being compliant and friendly; it’s just that for me at that time, these sentiments highlighted my perceived lack of spine. Remember, I was in my twenties, so even my analysis of myself had its own shortcomings.

 

This amiable tendency followed me further into adulthood and showed up in various ways over the years, until I finally awoke to the unhealthy version of this dynamic during midlife. I began to equate my less-assertive ways with a lack of a strong and healthy inner and outer voice.

 

There were at least three ways I exhibited this lack of voice:

 

I apologized for taking up space.

 

When I was part of the leadership team of another nonprofit, I had the honor of opening some of our training sessions with a spiritual practice. I distinctly remember feeling rushed inside. There was a sense in which I believed my part of the meeting had lower priority. I felt the need to hurry up and get through my part so the important things could begin. No one made me feel this way. It was simply an interior dynamic that I noticed. In a way, I was apologizing for taking up space. I’m so sorry, I’ll be out of your way in a minute. I’ll just hurry up and finish here so we can get to the good stuff.

 

I rarely said “I.”

 

For my entire first half of life, I rarely said “I.” I mostly said “we.” The we being Alan and me. I met Alan when I was 17, began dating him at 19, and was married at 21. We grew up together and had a very strong connection. There’s nothing wrong with having a good marriage and a vital friendship, but we both were lacking a healthy version of self. And so I said “we” whenever I was sharing a story, especially one about my past. Yes, most things happened to both of us together, but each story also has a version that happened to just me. At the time I was unaware or unable to differentiate that.

 

I couldn’t say “I deserve…”

 

This one is the most embarrassing. During a memorable therapy appointment, my therapist and I stumbled upon this dynamic—I couldn’t say “I deserve...” My description of this was so noticeable that we paused and my therapist walked me through a very specific list in which every sentence began with those two words: “I deserve…” As we went down the list, I said no to every single one. Most disturbing was when we came to the final statement: “I deserve to be loved.”

 

This was a tremendous wake-up call. It’s one thing to be humble, but not having enough sense of self that I could believe the idea that I deserve to be loved was so sad.

 

There were many reasons I ended up with that mindset, but one of the most insidious ones came from my own faith journey. I somehow believed in “worm theology.” That is, I was so sinful and bad, and there was nothing good in my heart, so I must be undeserving. What other reason could there be for needing grace? Eventually, I would come to see how this is a twisted version of God’s goodness and mercy. But there I was, unable to accept that I deserved anything.

 

God’s Healing Grace

 Thanks to the consistent and loving transformational presence of God, as well as many years working with a skilled therapist, I did find my agency and voice, and now I know how to tell a story using the word I. I also have a healthy sense of self in Christ and a greater understanding of what I do and do not deserve.

 

There were many reasons why I did not have a strong voice for many years, including enmeshment, self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety. God has been very gracious to grow me up into the truer version of who he made me to be, and I am so grateful.

 

Why is it important to have a strong and healthy sense of self and of one’s own voice? Because this is evidence that our true self is sitting at the head of the table. We don’t need a young, traumatized, unhealthy version of ourselves running the show.

 

We aren’t trying to be more than we are, we are simply working to be all that we are. As the old saying goes, “God don’t make no junk.”

 

I share this story with the hope that you will see yourself somewhere in it. Maybe you have had a similar journey in connecting with your truest self, or maybe you are in the middle of the path. Either way, I hope you will take heart and continue on, with Jesus accompanying you along the way.

 

No matter where you are in your own initiative, here are three ideas to help you continue on your way:

 

Reflect on your unique story.

 Ask yourself, What moments in my life have deeply shaped my perspective? Where have I learned compassion, resilience, or courage? By recognizing the power in your journey, you’ll begin to honor your voice as something of value to share with others.

 

Identify what stirs your heart.

 Your voice often emerges most authentically when you speak from what genuinely moves you. Pay attention to what lights you up or where you find yourself feeling a strong urge to make a difference. This doesn’t need to be grand or world-changing. It could be as simple as a passion for kindness, a longing for justice, or a desire to create peace. As you lean into these areas, you might find the threads of your voice woven with purpose and direction.

 

Begin small and speak gently but boldly.

 Practice using your voice in safe and supportive relationships. This might be through conversations with a trusted friend or spiritual director, journaling, or prayer. Speak even if it feels small or vulnerable at first. Your voice doesn’t have to be loud to make an impact. What matters is that it’s true to you. Each time you share, you’re building confidence and clarity in expressing what’s on your heart.

 

Let these steps unfold gently, knowing that your voice will strengthen and become a gift not just for you but for those who need to hear it.