P.J. Roscoe's Blog, page 15

What do I feel?

What do I feel? At this precise moment I want to cry and curl into a ball and forget about writing forever. I didn't get through to the finals with Readers Favourite and my book is not selling as well as I would like. I wonder if other writers lie about the amount of books sold? I have, from shame and embarrassment. When people hear that I have won an award, they immediately assume that I am rich or have sold millions or even thousands - that is not true - for me. Award winning and best seller are two very different fields and I am looking longingly into the other field wishing I could find a way to climb over the large fence.
It's horrible when so many readers have told me they loved my novels, couldn't put them down, and of course it makes me feel good, but the reality is, that there are millions of good books out there and competitions like this prove mine is not, at least, in someone's eyes and it hurts like hell.
Ego is a dangerous thing and although I didn't consider myself having a big ego, the feelings I am experiencing right at this moment, prove that I was beginning to believe the hype!
I am crying now, because I feel broken, lost, my path is unclear. Writing is all I have ever wanted to do and I am a great storyteller - so I'm told, but constant brick walls, can have such an affect. If my books aren't selling very well and I can't even win another competition, then what's the point in continuing writing?
I desperately need our lives to change for the better - to move house and live somewhere quieter, how can that happen if I don't sell enough???
So, what do I feel? Very sad, disappointment, anger, hurt, frustration. I am not happy right now.

EchoesFreya's Child

Did I miss you?

I haven't touched the computer for a few days. Did I miss the sound of the keyboards and the constant low buzz of the hard drive?? Yes, damn it, I think I did! But in a love/hate way.
I have enjoyed my weekend away from typing, because, let's be honest, there has to be life outside typing a story, right?
Dancing with Clerical Error down in Evesham was lovely, being outdoors, camping, no sleep and hearing other people's noises, well, yeah, it was great! The dancing anyway!
But I missed the comfort of home, the walls that enclose me and cocoon my body as I write my imagination onto the screen - it was like coming home to an old, reliable friend.
At the same time, I fought the urge to look on line, to search the web or to write anything as soon as I came home, why did I do that? To prove I am not just an author? That my life does not have to evolve around a computer screen and a keyboard? Does it????
No, of course not, but to be an award winning author, there has to be dedication, perseverance and commitment and I like to believe I have all of those things.
Like I say, I am a variety of things to a multitude of people - Mother, Wife, Daughter etc, it is important to remember that whatever else I am, I am ME, pure and simple.Whether I can be found indoors, working, or outdoors, playing. I remember the quote I wrote in Echoes, 'Live life, never merely exist'.

Freya's Child

Home again, Home again, jiggidy-jig!

Well, there came and went my holiday! It is true what they say - you need a holiday to get over your holiday! With Wychwood festival, followed by walking every day while our daughter is enjoying herself at Glan LLyn, plus getting some research done - I haven't stopped yet!
We had the opportunity to do a walking/research trip so we grabbed it with both hands, yanked it our way and refused to let go! (You may or may not be aware that we never have time alone - people aren't available to help out with an autistic child) So when we get a three day break - we are gone!!
Besides enjoying ourselves - I was feeling pulls of guilt for not writing for a few days. In fact, it was so bad, I was literally gagging on the bit to have my notebook and pen to hand when we visited the Sygun mine in Beddgelert.
I was excited to be writing, if only jotting down scene idea's while hubby took a multitude of photo's to help remind me when I come to describe. I felt like an author.
And that's it isn't it. Feeling like I belong. That knowing that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and hey - what is better than doing it with my darling husband???
But, then reality hits, it's play-acting until I am selling enough books to make a difference - isn't it?
I have my books in so many pies - but what if people are not hungry for those particular pastries - or - they can't find the bakery - which is the problem in my case??
EchoesFreya's Child

Wretched weather - perky mind?

I am sitting here procrastinating as I ponder my next chapter in 'Where Rivers Meet'. I am doing everything I can to put it off! Checking e-mails, answering enquiries - making enquiries - can't spell enquiries!!!
I wonder if its the weather? Thinking back (to waste more time) is that some of my best work has been in the sun; working on my laptop, in a quiet corner of Wales with only the bleating of lambs to hinder me - which didn't.
But even as I write, I am reminded that actually, 'Echoes' was written during some very dark days and now its winning awards - so, I guess I'm wondering if weather has any influence on my writing???
It is miserable today (well it is Wales) and I feel fairly perky. O.k, so I'm putting off working, but, hey, who doesn't from time to time? It is my 19th wedding anniversary today, so maybe subconsciously I am telling myself I should be celebrating, by skiving??
NO, that won't do! I'll make another cup of coffee and crack on, weather be damned.
EchoesFreya's Child

All gone quiet??

Since my big win - I feel a little deflated - but I'm trying very hard not to be. Sales haven't risen dramatically, no famous producer has contacted me to beg for my book to be turned into a drama - I am still me, known by those who love and respect me and perhaps a few who don't, but at least I'm still here and still writing.
I may be naive where winning competitions are concerned but if you're a winner and invited to an award ceremony - shouldn't I be looked after?
I mean, should I pay for my ticket to go to an award ceremony that is giving me, among others an award for winning? or am I being egotistical?
I expected to pay for my hotel and flight but when I've paid to enter the competition, I wonder if i should then pay for everything else - ie, paying to be awarded essentially, which to me, feels wrong?
I would love to know what others think who have won awards or even from those who have an honest opinion on this.

P.J. Roscoe

I Won! I won! I won!

I won! I won! I won!!!!!
I can barely believe what my eyes are seeing - I am the winner of the e-book catagory in the Paris Book festival with Echoes.
After the elation came panic - how do I get there - where do I stay - how many tickets should i order...Then I cried - that I had won.
What do I call myself how? Having won an Honourable mention in the New England book festival and now a winner - and I get an award - does that mean I'm award winning author?
Too big for my boots perhaps? Yet - dare I add??
Oh who cares! I won!!!! and it feels Grrreat!
PJ Roscoe

Review of 'Beyond Courage'

A Place Beyond Courage by Elizabeth Chadwick

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


Sadly, I just couldn't finish it. I got half way and found that I was constantly going back to see how much time had passed since the last chapter. It jumps ahead too far for me. One chapter is Spring, the next its next Winter and this kind of story doesn't work for me.
The characters didn't pull me in enough because time jumped so much I didn't connect with them because I had no notion as to what was happening in their lives in-between the chapters. I wanted to know what had happend to the characters during Spring,Summer, not jump to Autumn, what has happening in their lives during that period?
And I tried so hard to keep going. I truly wanted to enjoy this book - I like the medieval period and the reign of Stephen is full of intrigue.



View all my reviews

Fancy a smile?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qSkaA...

Well, that's what this video makes me do. Especially as my second novel is about Vikings! I wished I'd found a way to have this playing during the book launch - but then again, I'd have had to join in and no readings would have happened as I air guitar a femur with strings on it!!!

Needed a smile, because I'm becoming aware that I haven't been doing the writing/research I had hoped - networking, following up e-mails - having e-mails not send - computer stuff my head has no room for has been clogging up my day! Must make more of an effort from next week - I miss it. Losing myself in the adventures in my head and willing my fingers to type faster!
Freya's Child

The Sun has come out!

O.k, so its been eight days since the launch and I have been a busy little beaver - beginning to edit the Faerie stories and meeting with the illustrator on Friday to see what magic we can create together.
But, right now, at this precise moment - I am shattered! My body and mind are exhausted - from a weekend of Morris dancing at the practice weekend and a sleepless night,with wine coursing through my veins. A good weekend, but this doesn't help in my quest for writing a decent story! Monday morning can sometimes be hard to get back into author mode. And I wonder about that. Surely I should be able to easily snuggle into my writing suit and off I go...So why is it difficult today?
A mushy head doesn't help or perhaps, for today, I don't want it enough? I am allowed 'off' days, surely...?
Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I have had a couple of sales over the weekend, this is great and it motivates me to at least get into this chair and look at the screen and then, I sit and stare and know beyond doubt that whatever i attempt to write or edit, will be absolutely terrible and a waste of my time.
So, here's learning something - write when my head is all there and not mushy from lack of sleep and wine. OR perhaps, here's a thought, NOT drink so much wine and learn to sleep better...Are writers allowed to do that?!!!!
Freya's ChildEchoes

The days after the magic...

Well, its been four days since the launch of my second novel 'Freya's Child' and I'm sitting here contemplating what to do, how to feel and where to start next???
It's an odd thing launching a book. A book is like a child - NOT that I'd launch a child obviously! But I've created this book, nurtured it, moulded it and slowly, the characters have become alive to me. I feel them, see them in my head and heard their voices as I wrote.
Then, it was time came to launch them into the world. Parade them in front of an audience and ask them to acknowledge and like them to.
What if they don't? What if they reject my character's, my babies, my baby, my creation and therefore, reject me?
I was asked lately what it's like to be a self-published author and how do I cope?
I answered truthfully, that you have to be resilient in this job. Be truthful to yourself and have courage to continue. It is hard to open your soul to the world and ask if they will accept you...and if they don't, then you have a good cry and pick yourself up off the floor and damned well try again or go out and get another job.
I cry. I have moments when I ask myself truthfully - is this really what you want? To live in perpetual hope that people will read your stories and find that they like what they've read - therefore spreading the word and before long, you are a known name. Your stories are loved, accepted and craved.
But always living with that terrible fear, a black cloud that hovers, just above in my peripheral vision that I won't make it. I won't become a known author worldwide and before I know it, my life has passed by in a haze of hopes and lost dreams.
At what point do I give up? Do I give up?
Echoes and Freya's Child are my beginnings - so, I sit here, pondering...where is my end? Freya's ChildP.J. Roscoe