Devorah Heitner's Blog

Are Phone Bans Working?

School phone bans are all the rage right now with more than 20 states and several countries adding new policies. I don’t hold out a lot of hope that banning cell phones will magically fix everything – but I can understand the concerns behind the bans. I’m just wary of putting all of our eggs into a Yondr pouch, especially if it lets lets us feel like we are off the hook and can forget about teaching kids HOW to use tech–or cultivating school environments where students can thrive.

While I get how hard it is for teachers to compete with TikTok when trying to share crucial information – and how phone bans might offer some relief – many teachers and students have also pointed out that enforcing these bans can be just as disruptive as the phones themselves. And as with many other issues, schools are in a better position to make decisions for themselves with their own data.

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It’s also difficult to see the upsides of a phone ban without a comprehensive tech policy. If the goal is “focus” and nothing else is done to make school more engaging, will students simply switch to going off task other devices, like texting or gaming on school Chromebooks?

Despite all the effort it takes to enforce bans, some studies show that the bans do little or nothing to help student’s mental health or academic performance. On the other hand, there are other studies that do indicate some positive effects on academic acheivement but no one has shown that simply banning phones alone transforms learning in a BIG way.

For a true transformation, we need to look for more holistic approaches that empower kids to engage with their own learning, as the authors of the excellent new book, The Disengaged Teen: Helping Kids Learn Better, Feel Better, and Live Better argue.

Disengaged Teen authors Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson discuss how tech can exacerbate – but is not the source of – disengagement.​
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​“It’s definitely not all technology. The disengagement crisis has been there for at least the last two decades before cell phones were invented. But tech, social media, particularly mobile phones, exacerbate disengagement if used poorly and if not regulated in a young person’s life.”
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-Rebecca Winthrop on the Getting Smart Podcast

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If you are looking to change the conversation at your school or in your home about learning and engagement, their book is a must-read.

Another important consideration when it comes to phone bans is the impact on students with accessibility needs. In many ways, phones can be accessibility devices, and disability advocates are concerned that a blanket ban could be disproportionately harmful for students who are using the device for accessibility support or medical needs. This article explores those concerns in one large school district in LA with stories about students who use phones to access their hearing devices, for example.

Given all this information, you may be wondering what we can do to help our kids if bans aren’t a panacea. One compelling experiment shows that when students ​CHOOSE to put away phones to talk with friends at lunch they feel good about the outcome. If we could take the time to really understand our adolescents, we can see how creating space for pro-social behavior might work better than simply penalizing students for using phones.

I’d love to see schools focusing on ways to encourage positive outcomes – students concentrating in class, connecting with peers, etc. I believe this will be a more effective strategy than blanket bans, especially if enforcing bans is punitive and risks stigmatizing students with disabilities.

Let’s start asking questions like, Are all of the spaces safe at all times? What are the other supports available? Is school a welcoming and supportive environment? Is a counselor available? Is the curriculum meaningful and engaging? These are questions schools need to answer to determine whether or not phones are banned.

In the meantime, though, here’s my answer to some questions parents and teachers have been asking:

How can we prepare for bans?

While many parents I talk to are enthusiastic about reducing cell phone use in school, teachers tell me parents are texting their kids on phones and watches during the school day. If you live in New York, Ohio, Illinois, Arizona or one of the many other states that plans to ban phone use during the school day next year, now is a good time to practice strategies for being in touch less frequently.

If your child texts you once or twice a week saying, “Please remind me to bring my uniform tomorrow,” or similar requests to support their organization and planning, this summer is an ideal time to make sure they download a good notes app onto their school device, or practice carrying a small notebook or paper calendar to jot down reminders. Summer can be a great time to practice using a digital calendar. This will also reduce some of the mental load from parents, which is always good!

On a pragmatic level, schools will also need to plan alternatives to using QR codes and asking students to take pictures of information written on a whiteboard. Kids who use their phones to show their ID every morning may need to carry one of those ID packets (I wore one around my neck in college) and schools should be prepared to offer replacement cards more frequently. Since many teachers know kids are all carrying pocket cameras, sometimes they will tell students to just take a picture of the diagram on the board. However, if phones are going away in the classroom, teachers may need to transition to sharing documents with students via email or a course website.
Students may need to get more accustomed to taking notes by hand and copying diagrams from lectures and slides presented in class.

Hopefully schools can lean into supporting the habits and behaviors that promote thriving and engagement and not over-focus on simply policing phone use.

Mentoring sets kids up for success better than monitoring.
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I’d love to hear about how your experiences with phone policies–feel free to reach out.

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Why 16 is not a Magic Age for Social Media

Rethinking social media age bans

Australia’s Senate recently voted for a ban on social media for youth under age 16. Social media companies have one year to find a way to stop Australian kids under 16 from opening new accounts on their apps or risk billions in fines. At the moment, there is no clear plan for how to make this happen, but the stakes are considerable and other countries are considering similar rules.

Some parents and activists see this as a win and believe this will make kids safe, while many other parents, educators and experts are concerned. We’re concerned about young people’s rights and free speech. And we are worried that these bans take focus away from regulating the apps and teaching young people HOW to use digital tools thoughtfully.

Why are tech privacy experts and adolescent development researchers worried about Australia’s ban and similar efforts around the world?

Let’s unpack some of the reasons why:

Five problems with banning under 16sProblem #1: Age bans could let companies off the hook

One of the biggest concerns experts have is that age-bans do not hold social media companies accountable. Australian tech research Daniel Argus points out that it lets the companies “off the hook in making necessary reforms to the quality of content on their platforms.” Eleven years ago, Emily Bazelon went inside Facebook (now Meta) and showed how limited their resources were for responding to reports of bullying, hate accounts and more. Rather than hold these mega-companies accountable, a higher age ban absolves them of their mandate to respond. When parents report a tween or younger teen experiencing bullying, social media companies will refer them to the age guidelines. 

As I’ve argued here and in Newsweek—companies like Meta, SnapChat, and TikTok need to be responsive to concerns from *all* users, not just kids. When people report harassment, violence, dangerous and misleading content, their messages need to be responded to. The resources these companies devote to supporting users would be much better spent by making the algorithms less invasive, making privacy policies more clear and responding quickly and thoughtfully to reports of harassment, impersonation, violent footage, etc. 

There are still plenty of ways to improve the design tech to make it safer for younger adolescents. Check out this guide from a panel of expert researchers at the National Scientific Council on Adolescence. It proposes limitations on targeted advertising and providing training tools to young users. It also suggests that families make decisions about allowing access based on age, maturity, etc.

16 is quite old for an age ban–unless you also plan to keep people from accessing Internet search until then.  A 13-year-old is perfectly capable of researching some simple workarounds to the ban. Pushing 14-year-olds off mainstream social media apps to more unregulated platforms or unwittingly encouraging them to utilize VPNS makes them less safe, not more.

Making apps safer for younger people is crucial. So is educating young people and their caregivers about safe and thoughtful ways to connect. Age bans will push company efforts in a different direction–avoiding liability or blaming the parents when kids skirt the bans. 

Problem #2: Age gating 16 for social apps is anti-democratic. It silences activists, harms kids in oppressed groups,  and fails to prepare young citizens to vote at 18.

When I was writing Growing Up in Public, I got to meet with and interview many incredible young creators and activists. Some of these young leaders started social media channels or engaging with public dialog at ages 14 or 15. In a world where kids are activists, keeping them off social platforms shuts down or marginalizes their voices. We know that bans place particular burdens on kids who are already marginalized, such as members of LGBTQ+ communities. 

Further, many of us get our news and engage in civic conversations via social platforms. Even though these platforms are imperfect, and algorithms may limit the ideas we are exposed to, we can’t just  ignore how social platforms are a political space where issues are debated and discussed. We can work on holding apps accountable for sharing misinformation and for prioritizing conflict. 

Shutting kids out of mainstream discourse until two years before they can vote is anti-democratic…it doesn’t give teens enough time to learn the ropes, become media literate and socially literate. In Australia, voting is mandatory, so 18 year olds had better be ready. In the US, under half of voters under 29 showing up…so we have some work to do to prepare and engage young voters. 

Social media can encourage young people to vote and be aware of social issues. Instagram has a banner at the top of its app encouraging people to register, celebrities and influencers post about voting and student organizations post to try to boost civic engagement. While we may wish people got their news in other ways…many people of all ages, especially young people, are getting their news via social media. We don’t want to put 13-15 year olds in a news blackout.  Political and media literacy is best begun before the age of 16, as young people need to be informed, ready and registered by the time they are 18.

Problem #3: 

Waiting till 16 is divides high school in half, is reputationally risky and misses an important window for mentorship

If we saw an effective social media age ban to 16 in the US, it would divide high school communities in half. One of the best things about high schools is multi-age communities where kids learn and collaborate on a team and activities across an age range. Picture the Debate Team SnapChat.  An age ban would create an in and an out group or eliminate an opportunity for community building.

A caring adult might be a fan of the age-ban because they are worried about kids and their searchable reputations when they are applying to college. Many parents and educators worry that new users might exuberantly post something thoughtless, overly revealing or worse right as they are just getting started on social media. Many of those mistakes will be self-correcting. Young people learn from them and move forward. Europe and the UK have laws protecting digital reputations–and so should we! 

Making mistakes can be part of learning. But age bans that set up older teens to launch into the social media waters right as they might be looking for a first job, applying for scholarships and forging a more public identity in the world. Joining the social media universe for the first tiem at 16 puts pressure on older adolescents to get it right from the beginning.

Further, younger kids need support and mentorship as they navigate social media for the first time. I have never suggested that we should be handing over smartphones or social apps to younger tweens and teens and walking away. 

The opportunity to teach kids how to make healthy choices in their digital lives is best begun earlier–well before they have one foot out the door. By age 16, young people are more independent–they are working on separating from adult authority and are less likely to lean into adults in their lives for mentorship and direction. 

No one at any age is automatically ready and a thoughtful participant in social communities. Age bans involve a kind of magical thinking–that at 16, young people will be ready for the challenges of interacting in social apps. 

What if we made the driving age 16 but did nothing to mentor new drivers or verify that they are ready to hit the road? We need to lean into digital wellness and emotional and information literacy curricula well before that and consider what ages kids will be receptive to our mentoring and modelling. 

This also could mean schools will skimp on incorporating digital citizenship curriculum in elementary and middle schools. Or they might be pressured towards an abstinence-only approach. 

We know how well that works.

Problem #4: How will social media companies know who is under 16?

No one has a good plan for this. In the US and other places, privacy experts worry that this will pave the way to requiring all Internet users to have a Digital ID, which could dramatically limit both privacy and freedom of expression. What could go wrong? In the hands of a repressive government…a lot. In the US, police have flown drones with facial tracking software over protests. You don’t need to be a heavy reader of dystopian fiction to understand the problems with that level of surveillance, but if you want some help imagining the downside, these novels paint a vivid and compelling picture of risks: Our Missing Hearts by Celeste Ng or Memory Piece by Lisa Ko. These stories follow compelling characters from in a world that will seem very familiar to an adjacent time when they are either caught up in a technologically surveilled state or living outside of it at their peril. Don’t like novels? Read Digital IDs Are More Dangerous Than You Think.

If Digital IDs aren’t worrying enough, some have proposed biometric facial scanning. This type of verification is dubious. Meta has used human evaluation of pictures to decide when to remove an account flagged as underage for over a decade… with unimpressive results.
Giving the job to facial scanners/AI is unlikely to improve matters. We’ve all known at least one 14-year-old that looks like a college student. Further, facial recognition software is especially terrible at interpreting images of people of color—with devastating consequences. Over relying on these technologies to decide who is “of age” does nothing to support younger social media users, and will create barriers to access that exacerbate inequality.

Problem #5: What is Social Media anyway? “I’ll know it when I see it”

While we’re handwringing over Instagram, TikTok and Snapchat, their popularity with teens has been slightly declining…The only app that has grown in popularity among teens in the last two years is WhatsApp. This platform is not (by some) considered to be social media–but it is owned by Meta.

Whether or not we consider WhatsApp to be social media–we need to mentor kids on interacting there, or any other texting apps. Ask any 6th grader (or their parents) if group texts can be a scourge, filled with yucky content and nastiness—the answer is 100% yes!
Banning social apps for under 16s could simply push kids into new spaces. The risk is that we’ll default to laziness instead of mentorship, since we “solved the problem” with the age ban. 

Instead of banning, can we mentor kids on HOW to create boundaries? Help them identify some kinds of content as misleading, dangerous or toxic? We need to remind them only to be in contact with people they actually know when they are younger and how to safely interact with new people online as they get older. Parents should absolutely teach kids to get the heck off their phones and night and get some sleep. 

Wherever they go in person or online, kids must have safe people to talk to if someone violates their boundaries, threatens them, etc. Will a 14-year-old being harassed on SnapChat be able to report it if they are afraid to admit they used a VPN or lied about their birth year to join the app? OR will they be pushed to darker and less regulated corners of the Internet? 

Families should be very thoughtful about when to allow access to social networks.  But letting kids play Roblox on public servers at the age of seven and then saying they can’t have a Snapchat account until they are 16 is not a helpful way to onboard that young digital citizen and set them up for success. Pushing kids to less regulated spaces is not the answer. Silencing their young people’s voices when they are trying to save the world is repressive. 

We can do better. We have to do better. 

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Should I Spy on My Kid’s Phone? Mentoring vs Monitoring Kids on Social Media

These days, kids can join digital communities in anything from Roblox and Minecraft to classroom apps in elementary school. Some kids are in group texts by fifth or sixth grade and will need help to navigate them.  They can get explosive and messy. In my work helping parents and schools with kids and social media, I hear a lot of worries about tweens being “addicted to technology” or using powerful communication tools in immature ways. 

How can parents help kids learn to navigate conflict and social drama? 

As the author of Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World, I’ve said for years that mentoring is more powerful than monitoring. 

Should I read all my kid’s texts and DMs?

Before setting up monitoring software, ask yourself: What is your goal? Have I proactively taught my kids how to handle tricky social situations by responding and not just reacting? Instead of looking to catch our kids doing the WRONG thing, we need to teach them how to do the RIGHT things. 

Rather than spying, observe — does your tween seem stressed out by their group text or social media experience?

Even before a child gets their first phone, you can ask them what they will do on a group text if they see:

Inappropriate languageMean or unkind gossip about other kidsUnkind words about adults or teachersExclusion: intentionally leaving someone else outDisgusting or Gross memes or videos

At least a year before giving your child a phone, consider what social skills they need to succeed. Begin establishing boundaries for when your child will have access to the device.

Mentoring vs. monitoring — be honest with yourself about your goals

Online spaces like Discord, Instagram, and even Google Classroom can leave parents feeling clueless about their kids’ social community. But if you monitor without disclosing, you could lose the opportunity to mentor your child. You may think it’s your right as a parent, but your child will see it as a breach of trust. When this happens, your child may go underground or feel that they have to be sneaky. 

In other words, you could do more damage by monitoring covertly and intrusively, and miss the chance to build a stronger relationship by discussing the ups and downs of digital life.

Tweens and teens are clever, and I’ve seen a few kids go to great lengths to evade covert spying. For instance, they might keep and manage two social media accounts or join a VPN.Reading the group texts will expose you to what their friends are saying, too. This can get tricky — your child will worry about their friends’ privacy. And, if you are extra invasive, they might either get left out of group texts or find a more private app to join. Calling other parents is an action I’d only take if what you’ve seen indicates a serious danger to the child or community. The older your kids are, the more true this becomes. In elementary school, it’s more possible to get involved and help kids move forward from mid-level conflicts.You may never see your kids’ friends the same way after reading their texts. Prepare yourself and try to remember — they aren’t intended for you.How to talk with your kids about social conflict in digital spaces?Learn about their judgment. Ask your child to tell you when they get an inappropriate message. If they learn to do this independently, you can use the opportunity to teach them and build trust in your child.Communicate expectations. Remind them it can be hard to remember that human beings are on the other end of digital interactions. But they need to keep that in mind. When in doubt, don’t comment or share.Remember face-to-face. It is best to go offline and talk in person when they need to resolve a conflict.What if you look at their phone and see something concerning?

Suppose you see something you don’t like. Unkind statements about a peer or other yucky stuff. 

First, don’t freak out. You could be missing a lot of context by seeing this moment or snippet! Remain calm and consider that there may be a broader context before reacting. Tread carefully, and have a strategy.Understand, don’t accuse. It helps to get more context to assess the situation and make good decisions. Ask open-ended questions about how things got where they are–rather than confronting your child immediately.Evaluate and move forward. How serious is the situation, and how urgent is it? If you believe your child is being harassed, bullied, or extorted, you must act immediately. But it is more helpful to be supportive and not rush in if you are dealing with everyday social dramas of elementary, middle, and high school. Instead, get some context and help your child self-advocate or set boundaries.Model “ repair .” It’s ideal for the child to fix the issue independently, and your mentoring can help. Teach your child that if a post or text message upsets them, staying calm and speaking to the person directly is best. They should seek help from a parent or other adult if the situation is too serious to handle on their own.

Building a strong, honest, and open relationship with your child is the best defense against the digital issues kids face. Mistakes offer a chance for learning and growth for you and your child!

Devorah Heitner, PhD spent the last five years interviewing kids, teens, parents, educators and researchers for her new book: Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World.

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Talking with kids about violent footage

For the past week, I’ve been hearing from parents who are wondering if they should take TikTok or YouTube off their kids’ devices to prevent them from seeing atrocities. If you have a 15-year-old who has been using YouTube and TikTok for a couple of years—simply erasing the app from their phone is no substitute for important conversations. Mentoring is more effective than simply monitoring. Or trying to “edit” the Internet.

Keeping them in a bubble is not a realistic strategy

When our kids if we can keep the scary news away from them, it is great to wait till they are a bit older and have more emotional resources and context to understand things. But with kids who are in circulation with other kids—we have to be proactive. Someone might show your kid something on the bus. Your child could Google a related term on their school Chromebook. We can’t avoid having conversations about this conflict with our kids. I live in a community where I witness every day how this is deeply personal for so many people.

Seeing images of violence directed at people whose identity you share holds some next-level terror. And if you have family or friends living on the front lines, your child might be more likely to see or seek out the kinds of first-person video accounts that bring us vivid and horrific images of war and conflict.

As someone who abhors violence and craves a more peaceful world, I wish that seeing these videos made people in power more sensitive and more reluctant to cause harm. That does not seem to be how human nature works, unfortunately.

There are ways we can teach kids ABOUT what is happening and not show them the videos. We want to prevent trauma, and address it when it happens. So—while I understand why parents are asking: Should You Delete Your Kids TikTok This Week—the bigger question is how do we change the world? And how do we help our kids cope with what they may have seen and avoid being further traumatized by videos and other exposure to violence?

Some other questions worth asking:

What are the responsibilities of the apps themselves to not allow perpetrators to nationally weaponize live-streaming as a method of terror? At the same time, does shutting it down take away an important avenue of documentation for victims and bystanders? How do we use the information we have from these first-person accounts…without becoming numb, desensitized, or traumatized?

One of the fundamental moral assumptions that I grew up with in the late 20th century was that the world would not stand for extremes of violence toward defenseless civilians if there was film or TV footage. But…is that true? We’re more than a decade into cell phone video and social media— and sadly, many people worldwide have stories to tell about video not being enough to bring the world to the point of rescue. I wish I had answers.

A few thoughtful resources about how to talk with kids about traumatic events:

How to Talk With Kids About the War in Gaza and Israel — by Maryam Abdullah Parents can prepare themselves to have difficult conversations with children about humanitarian crises.

From the Southern Poverty Law Center: Handle With Care: Supporting Young People During Crisis this is a resource “for families and educators who must respond to the needs of children as a traumatizing event unfolds.”

NPR Lifekit In this episode of Life Kit, NPR’s Becky Sullivan offers advice on how to talk to our children about the violence in Israel and Gaza.

My trusted colleague, psychologist 

Dr. Aliza Pressman (creator of the Raising Good Humans Podcast ) spoke to CBS about this tough topic as well.

https://devorahheitner.substack.com/p...

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Why do kids share so much about themselves online and on social media? Don’t they care about privacy?

Are you stressing about teens and social media? As we raise kids with social media, figuring out what to share and what to keep private is a nuanced task. When I was a teenager, the taboos against talking about getting mental health support like therapy were overwhelming. Now, we see kids posting about these issues. It makes some parents very nervous! These are tough issues to talk about face-to-face, and the social norms at most middle and high schools can discourage openness and vulnerability. 

Instead, the culture at many high schools celebrates being cool, collected, and “chill”—not being so emotional or caring so much about things. For vulnerable kids, the upsides of sharing their true feelings and thoughts in an online affinity space where they are among people with a shared interest or identity may outweigh the risks of disclosing sensitive personal information. While I also want all kids to have access to in-person support, including therapy, if needed, I also want parents and educators to understand the ways kids are changing the world for the better by sharing so openly! 

Why do kids share so much about themselves?They want to find “their people” – and being open/honest about themselves makes that easier. Many young people (and many adults) appreciate the sense of community and group support that can come from joining online affinity spaces, like a Discord server for fans of a specific literary genre, or a server for people with a specific diagnosis like dyslexia. Finding a group of people with a shared identity is very supportive–especially for kids who feel marginalized or vulnerable.
They want to explore sexuality and gender issues. Young people who come out as LGBTQ+ online are coming into the community as much as they are coming out to the world. Kids who find an accepting, embracing community, on- and offline, are likely to be safer, even though being out still exposes young people and adults to homophobia and transphobia. They want to talk about their neurodiversity or mental health status. Again, as much as we, in older generations, were taught to keep quiet about neurodiversity and mental health, this generation of kids is changing things in a big way!

In fact, young people are leading the way in destigmatizing conversations about mental health and neurodiversity. Some of the parents I surveyed for Growing Up in Public, mentioned this kind of sharing in relation to neurological diversity. “I don’t think a disability is embarrassing—if they want to share about it, more power to them.” Another wrote, “My son is autistic and very open about it. He was written off by two school systems. I’m proud of how he uses what he’s learned, how he’s built success, in helping others from time to time.” 

They want to engage in activism or seek justice. We see kids posting about experiencing and surviving racist aggressions and sexual harassment. Social media can be a space where people come together to support, educate each other, and change the world in the face of these experiences.

Of course, we all post to “get attention.” Social media is an attention economy. But the biggest insult from kid to kid about these personal posts can be, “You are just posting for attention.” If your child is getting that kind of response, as opposed to support, it may be time for them to evaluate sharing with a more trusted circle or getting support in a different way. Always think about whether to share, how to share, and with whom. 

But if your kid is in affinity space where they are having a positive experience, let’s not let our own hangups and old stigmas get in the way! We can support our kids when they want to share about these issues that we were taught to keep quiet about by encouraging them to share in sincere, meaningful ways, and advise them not to do it without thinking it through. 

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How to make your social media experience healthier.

Mid-summer is a good time to do a little social media audit with yourself and with any kids in your house who use social apps. How are you feeling about the apps and connections you have? Do you need to clean up ​your contacts​? Sometimes we go to social media for that emotional boost and it doesn’t make us feel great.

Remind kids that what they’re seeing on social media is a highlight reel and talk to them if you see them filtering or editing their photos. Remember everyone is sharing their “mountaintop moments” not the boring day-to-day moments that life is made of. That’s why some kids love to take intentionally “ugly” or “random” photos on apps like SnapChat–to counter the “perfect world” that some feel pressured to share on apps like Instagram.Resist the urge to simply take away their access to social media if they post something you don’t like – it’ll just make them unlikely to come to you when / if they’re struggling with it. Also, I worry about kids in that situation going underground. Instead, work with them on how they can take down an ill-considered post and move forward and repair if relationships need mending.We’ve all seen videos or posts that make us feel left out. When it comes to FOMO, teach your kids that we can’t expect to be included in everything, all the time, but also we get it. No fun. If you can convince them to try to get their friends to not ​location share​ on apps that encourage that, they can try to lead the change…But many teens feel like they don’t want to “be invisible” in that way. We can help them brainstorm things they can do when they’re having FOMO ​this blog post​.Since social media and adolescents could potentially factor into body image issues, keep this in mind when sharing photos on social media. Considering posting more facial photos or photos where their body isn’t the main focus (ie everyone sitting around a campfire in their hoodies.) Some teens are so aware that someone may take and post a picture of them at any time that they try to look good all the time, just in case. Especially during the tween and teen years, to avoid giving kids too many body photos to potentially over-focus on, consider sharing more face photos or pictures where their bodies aren’t the focal point. This applies to kids of all genders!

We want to balance the connection and fun we can find in social media with other ways of connecting including pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone to try new things and meet new people. Everything in balance. If scrolling makes you feel envious, what can you do to use that information? Maybe you can’t be on vacation right now, but you can research something you plan to do in the future or plan a really fun local outing that scratches some of your travel itch.

For me, visiting a new neighborhood in Chicago or revisiting a place I haven’t been in years can scratch that travel envy/itch. Bottom line: If scrolling hurts: take a break, put away your phone, and tap into something different. A book, doodling, a board game, a walk, cleaning out a closet to find hidden treasure or to make more space. We want to be intentional with our time.

I hope these tips are helpful as you get ready to either (eek) go back to school in some places, or in others, settle into the next stage of summer.

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How Technology is Changing Dating and Romance for Tweens and Teens

Romance , Love, and Crushes in the Digital Age

Oh to be a teenager in love. What does teen dating look like in the digital age?  Kids are still falling in love, getting crushes, getting mad, getting even, etc.  Some kids are meeting online, but lots are meeting the old-fashioned way, at school, through friends, etc. If your kid is dating in middle school, there is a good chance that by dating they mean texting.

On one hand, the world of constant social media updates and texting can add pressure to a budding relationship, but some teens say it can also be helpful. For example, kids have shared with me that they can gain about a potential partner by looking at their old posts.

In conversations, waiting for someone to text you back if you flirting is stressful and exciting! Want to understand a little bit of what this feels like and looks like? Watch ​Heartstopper ​on Netflix. Two high school boys go from seatmates to friends, to more.

The agony and ecstasy of their early, tentative texts followed by the fun and flurry of their more assured texts when they become a couple will offer insight to any grownup who wishes to empathize with teens. 

Are you feeling worried about complications of technology in teens’ dating life, the reports from teens are mixed. On one hand, the world of constant social media updates and texting can add pressure to a budding relationship, but some teens say it can also be helpful.  Some kids have shared with me that they can gain about a potential partner by looking at their old posts.

Other teens shared that looking too far back on someone’s timeline “like a picture before puberty said one 15-year-old” shared with me, is just “creepy.”

LGBTQ+ teens may find a more supportive environment online depending on where they go to school.
I loved reading about how some kids take advantage of specific “Affordances” within apps like Instagram’s “close friends” feature to open up in safer ways among more trusted peers.

When to worry? If you learn that your young person is using Tinder, Grindr, and other dating/”hookup” apps, these are supposed to be only used by those eighteen or older and should be completely off-limits to minors.

What does “meeting online” look like?  Lynea, a mother of a 9th grader shared with me that her son started a “traditional” dating relationship with a girl he met via Discord, where they were chatting about Anime together.  She was concerned for his safety and did take steps to be sure he was meeting was a real kid, a peer, etc. before supporting the relationship.

Initially, she drove her son to a bookstore café to meet the girl in person for the first time while she waited outside. Since then, this Lynea has met her son’s girlfriend and her parents. She has dropped him off at her basketball games and her school play.  While the kids live 20 minutes apart in different suburbs–and might not have otherwise met–their relationship itself does not seem different to his mother than if they had met at a swim meet or debate tournament.

How Dating Has Changed

Once teens or tweens are involved romantically, their expectations are surely affected by the availability of constant connection. This is directly in parallel with the changes in expectations in our own adult relationships. For example, my husband and I were dating before we had cell phones, and our expectations for being in contact (while far lower than these teenagers!), are still more frequent than they were before we had these devices with us at all times. Fully 85% of young people surveyed, expected to hear from their partner at least once a day. 11% expected to hear from their partners once an hour!

Teens are just getting used to all the physical and emotional changes that come with puberty and one of those is the infatuation with others their age. While in the past, flirtatious exchanges were confined to lunch and the occasional movie, today every couple can keep in never-ending contact via the phone in their pocket. When talking to your child, remind her that even though she can reach out to her crush at all times does not mean she has to. It’s okay not to text.

On the other hand, flirting, dropping hints, and trying to figure out how mutual an interest or crush is (age-old preoccupations) have moved more into the digital realm. In one PEW study, 50% of teens reported that they used social media platforms to flirt or express romantic intentions.  While they still may prefer to meet at school or through friends, social media is often times where they feel comfortable discussing their feelings.

Breaking Up: The Worst Part of Dating

On the other end of the “feelings” spectrum, kids are negotiating both breaking up relationships and fending off unwanted attention in both the traditional ways (face-to-face, phone) and the digital realm (social media, texting, email). The same PEW study reports that 25% of all teens have unfriended or blocked someone on social media because that person was flirting in a way that made them uncomfortable Perhaps, not surprisingly, Teen girls are more likely to receive uncomfortable flirting online with 35% reporting they’ve had to unfriend or block someone, more than twice as many as the 16% of boys who have had to do the same. I really like these dating do’s and don’ts to share with kids from Child Mind.

What about Sexting? 

First of all, sending sexy pics isn’t a safe flirting technique, but parents should know that some teens do this to assess interest (or try to encourage interest.)  Teens in a committed romantic relationship might exchange revealing pictures without adults ever learning about it. While it may not feel comfortable for us parents,  and it is against the law in many places, the *emotional* risk of consensual sexting that stays private is the same as any for another mutually vulnerable sexual act.

As long as it is truly consensual and private.

When things are pressured or get circulated–that’s an entirely different matter. That can be very harmful emotionally. Kids need to learn ALL about consent, including never pressuring someone for a photo or video.

Meanwhile, how should you advise if your teen do if they get an unsolicited nude–a topless or genital pic or a “sexy” photo they haven’t asked for. How can you even bring up this super-awkward topic and other related territory?

You can find tips and scripts in my free SOS Guides for ways to discuss sexting with your teenager–whether or not they are dating yet.

How to Talk to Your Kid About Dating Challenges

Ask your kid how other kids in their school and community ask other people out or to become involved. What are the local customs? If you are concerned about harassment, one way to open the door to conversations about these kinds of experiences is to ask your child if she or her friends has ever had to block someone for coming on too strong–or being too persistent. Make sure she knows that this behavior is unacceptable and that she doesn’t have to put up with it. If the behavior doesn’t stop by un-friending or blocking the perpetrator, contacting the school–or the authorities–may be necessary.

Everything we know about dating for young people in the digital age should remind us to have empathy for kids…learning to deal with romantic feelings towards others is as awkward, terrifying, and exhilarating as it ever was!

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Favorite Podcasts for Kids (and some for parents, too

Looking for alternatives to screen time? Need a show you can share with your kids or teens? Going on a road trip? Need something new to listen to when you go for a run? I love podcasts for all these scenarios and more. This is far from comprehensive, but here’s my eclectic mix of great podcasts!

Podcasts for kids to try this season:

There are a ton of great podcasts for kids! Here are just a few to try. Ask your local librarian to recommend others.

The Alien Adventures of Finn Caspian is a serial space adventure where kids save their parents from evil (but incompetent) aliens! The show features Finn Caspian and a group of fabulous friends and a mischievous robot names Beebop. The podcast is very interactive, with lots of chances for kids to call in with sound effects and even make plot choices. It is a family favorite of ours. Suggested for ages 5-10.
Listen: Apple, Spotify or your favorite app. There are also some great Finn Caspian books that go with the show!

Story Seeds Podcast
This show matches best-selling authors with children –they meet up, collaborate and grow original stories inspired by children’s story ideas! This captures the magic that sparks when kids adult authors work together. Each episode ends with a story time read aloud by the author. Listen here, or on your favorite app.

The Unexplainable Disappearance of Mars Patel is great for Middle Graders/Tweens: Eleven-year-old Mars Patel and his friends try to solve a mystery. They are searching for their two missing friends. Not-so-good seeming billionaire Oliver Pruitt appears to be attempting to foil their quest. Too intense for some kids but if your child can deal with slightly scarier stuff, this will be gripping for them. Listen: Apple, Stitcher or your favorite app.

But Why, Kids: From Vermont Public Radio, get answers to questions from kids. A great family listen. Here’s the episode I just did, prompted by a kid asking “Why is Social Media so addictive” and here’s one on How do Water Slides Work?

Big Kids Podcasts for Teens and Tweens

I like the “dubious advice” offered by Dear Hank and John. The Green brothers are YouTube Vloggers, writers and philanthropists. These are the kind of questions you might pose while sitting around a campfire. For example: Could Elsa solve climate change? Note, there may be some episodes with content you don’t want a younger tween to engage with, so check the episode summary. Even if you disagree with the brothers’ advice, the questions offer great discussion starters for you and your teen…
Listen: Apple, Spotify or your favorite app.

I’ll also put in a plug for listening to brilliant design investigations of 99% Invisible with your teenager. Maybe you’ll enjoy this episode on Magic The Gathering or this one on keeping raccoons out of recycling bins in Toronto. Or at least, trying to.

Some history buff teens I know have recommended Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History, and it it turned out to be fascinating. Professor Dan Carlin asks provocative questions and we all learned a lot listening to this one. History has some gory parts so maybe don’t listen when the littles are in the car.

Podcasts For Parents

 Tilt Parenting is about raising “differently wired” kids. Gifted kids, kids on the spectrum, kids with ADHD and other LDs…I spoke to them for this episode focused on online safety and Internet Rabbit holes. If you have a quirky, differently-wired kid, this podcast offers great resources and community. Reber’s approach is informed and supportive, making this podcast is a fun listen. Listen: Google Podcasts or your favorite app.

Zen Parenting: Lovely and encouraging parenting podcast that I come back to again and again. I’ve enjoyed talking with them, and they have done great episodes with Julie Lythcott-Haims, Jessica Lahey, Michele Icard, and other brilliant and helpful experts.

What Fresh Hell is a hilarious and honest podcast about “laughing in the face of Motherhood.”

10,000 Hours Outside is about…how to get outside with our families. Lots of helpful and fun episodes. I had fun talking with them in this ep “Dealing with a limitless digital world”

Mayim Bialik’s brilliant and wide-ranging podcast on Mental Health, The Breakdown is well worth a listen.

How to talk to Kids about Anything is Amazing, with Robyn Silverman is so helpful. I loved chatting with Robyn about YouTube and what to do if your kids wants to be famous. Don’t miss this great ep on “How to Help Parents Understand & Support their LGBTQ Kids with Kristin Russo” or this excellent episode with Phyliss Fagell on how to talk with middle schoolers about what matters most.

Don’t miss this important conversation on the Dead Ass with Khadeen and Devale Ellis about Growing Up Black and parenting with guest, civics expert Amber Coleman-Mortley. The Ellises faced the challenge of “the talk” about race in America as parents raising Black boys during Black Lives Matter protests.

Grownup Podcasts, Not Parenting
(because we have other interests, too)

The Ballad of Billy Balls I read and adored IO Tillet Wright’s memoir, Darling Days and was intrigued to discover that he was hosting this podcast. Usually, true crime is not my thing, but this is a deeply personal story about family, acceptance, grief, and healing. It is also about the downtown art and music scene in New York City in the 1970s and early 80s. So for me, a totally irresistible listen. This one is NOT for kids! Listen Spotify, Apple or your favorite app.

An Arm and a Leg is a podcast about the cost of healthcare that is entertaining, empowering and useful (as opposed to mainly enraging.) The host and creator, public radio veteran Dan Weissmann, serves up revealing stories and some straight-up hacks addressing one of the most vexing issues in American life. Disclosure: I’m married to the host. However, the show also gets rave reviews from people we don’t know. Listen: Apple, Spotify or your favorite app.

Am Writing is a show for writers who want support in getting the writing done, building community, understanding how publishing works, and more. The recent episode with Virginia Sole-Smith was excellent, but I’ve listened to 90% of their back catalog and it is ALL very helpful. If you are a writer, you want to be listening to this podcast.

For Educators

St. Vrain Valley School School District in Colorado has its own podcast, Vrain Waves. They were kind enough to have me as a guest…They have also had Denise Pope, Tony Wagner, Daniel Pink and a bunch of thought leaders that are probably on your bookshelf or your night table right now.

Listen Apple or your favorite app.

Also, if you want to make a podcast with your students, KQED has some excellent educator resources to support you. Here’s an example showcasing some awesome student podcasts.

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Talking with Teens: Six Conversation Starters That Will Reveal More Than Reading Kids’ Texts

Last week, I was at a school and a mom asked whether she should be reading her teen’s texts. She had no specific reason for concern, just a general feeling that he wasn’t sharing as much with her.

As you know, I‘m a big fan of mentoring over monitoring. If you do monitor, be sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Not just because your 15-year-old is less open with you about his life than he was when he was 11. That’s typical development and does NOT, on its own, indicate that your kid is in trouble, sexting, vaping, or doing anything wrong.

Most of the time, being in conversation with your kids will give you more insights than reading their texts. Over-surveilling our kids can be stressful and lead them to feel like they can’t talk to us. Many teens feel their parents’ surveillance has harmed the relationship by causing mutual mistrust.

We want to be a resource for our kids’ digital lives, but we also need to let them experience some independent problem-solving, especially as they get older. Even if some of the support comes from you, it is better if they get there through their own thinking process and choice.

Here are some conversation starters to make talking with teens about social media easier:

Sometimes kids open the door. In this scenario, maybe your teen tells you about something they saw or expresses shock or disgust about a post.

Kid says: Another kid has posted something “gross” or “weird.”

You could say: How do you think they were hoping people would respond?

Or: How do you think people will react? Do you think anyone will unfollow them?

Or: Are you worried about the kid who posted? Do they seem OK?Kid says: This friend is always on their phone, it is so annoying.

You could say: Do you feel comfortable letting them know how it makes you feel? Or is there a way to get the point across with humor?Here are some scenarios where you initiate a conversation by starting with a question: Do you know anyone who acts very differently in a game, or on Discord, or on social media from how they act when you are together, in person?

If they knew the person first online (like met them on Roblox and they are now meeting in person.)
What surprised you about how they acted in person when you met them?

Here are some open-ended questions for talking with teens:What are some good ways to help a friend who gets too mad when they are gaming?

Once you hear what they come up with, if they haven’t mentioned grounding in the body with breath, exercise, or a snack, you could throw those ideas into the mix. Talking with teens is delicate–always better if the ideas come from them.Have you ever stopped following someone on TikTok or YouTube because of hateful language?

I would definitely remind them that they don’t want to be in spaces where people are targeting others. Individuals or groups. Even if they don’t feel targeted, we shouldn’t support spaces like that with our attention. And we don’t want to get used to being around hateful language or aggression since it could start to feel “normal.”
What can  someone do to feel better when scrolling social media makes them feel left out, like in “all my friends are hanging out without me?”

The kids I’ve spoken to have great ideas! I would always frame this as a normal part of life on social media!

The problem with covertly tracking our kids is how will you bring up what you have seen if they don’t know you are there. And if they know you are tracking them, at a certain age, they will start going around you and hiding more, just to preserve privacy. Ideally, kids need to talk with us about what they are seeing out there, and they need to have strategies.

The good news is that kids are very self-aware. In another memorable school visit, when I asked the students how to help a friend who gets too mad and “rage quits” when they game, one sixth-grade boy raised his hand and said, “Sometimes the friend is me.” 

I reminded the kids that grounding in the body is really good for transitioning from games and calming down. Drinking a glass of water, deep breaths, and bouncing a ball. 

But if you lead with advice, before generating interest in the challenge at hand, kids won’t listen in the same way. 

If you feel like you don’t know HOW to bring up these tough-to-discuss issues with your tween or teen, download my free SOS guides to Damage Control and Sexting. There are some sample scripts in these free downloadable guides that will help!

Ultimately, there is a balance between protecting our kids and making sure they feel comfortable approaching us with issues they encounter. To create this balance, we need to establish mutual trust as we mentor our kids. This trust can come from simply starting non-invasive conversations about the posts they encounter. Talking with teens and listening for our cues that they are ready to talk really helps.

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Teaching Conflict Resolution to Kids

When I ask kids why it is so easy to get into a fight over text messages, they know! “You don’t see the other person’s face!” they tell me. “Or hear their tone.” While some kids feel like emojis can bridge the gap, most acknowledge that it can be tough to communicated feelings via text, that humor is tricky, and that it is easy for things to go wrong. Group texts are their own special level of trouble.

Kids deal with small conflicts every day — it’s part of growing up. And of being forced into a community where they have little control of who they spend their days with in school. But social media and texting adds a new frontier. While smartphones allow us to be connected in ways we couldn’t even imagine when we were kids, technology has added layers of complexity to the social sphere.

If you are a regular reader, you know me to be very tech-positive. I believe that the benefits outweigh the hazards – if and only if we develop the necessary skill sets to use the technology the right way.

That’s good news. If we treat it like a skill set, that means it can be learned – and more importantly, taught. The challenge is that there’s a pretty wide continuum of unkind and difficult behaviors, ranging from perceived slights to thoughtlessness, unkindness to intentional drama and gossip, and in extreme cases, bullying.

A further challenge is that the rules, conventions, and expectations are still evolving. While it seems like text messaging has been around “forever,” it’s still new enough that everyday behavior is not yet governed by a clear set of cultural norms. It’s still very much in flux, which makes parents feel like they are “behind the times,” and “can’t keep up” with what their kids know.

More good news—if you feel equipped to help your kids handle a face-to-face conflict, then you are just as equipped to help them handle online issues as well. Like I said, it’s a skill set.

The Screen Connects, but the Screen Distorts

It is easy to forget there is another human being on the end of digital communication – to feel less empathetic when there’s a screen in between us. Also, difficult emotions can be tempered, twisted, or misconstrued when filtered through the screen. Sometimes we say things online that we would not say in person.

Choosing a communication medium wisely—and not out of fear—is part of the skill set of conflict resolution. We as parents and mentors need to talk explicitly with kids about how to decide when digital communications are appropriate, and when to talk in person.

You may see this in your own workplace, where an e-mail miscommunication leads to a chain of conflict. What do you do? Walk down the hall or pick up the phone! The appropriate medium makes a huge difference, and you can teach the same skills to your kids.

Unintentional Harm: Gossip

Gossip has been around since humans could communicate. However, technology can be an accelerant, enabling it to spread more quickly via social media, text messaging, or group chat.

Also, what happens when we are “recruited” into other people’s conflicts? What if a nasty exchange erupts as part of a group text, or someone posts a rude comment on someone else’s Facebook post? Do you get involved? Will that help—or make it worse? As I say frequently, conflict can be a spectator sport.

We definitely DON’T want to encourage kids to screenshot and share what is said in a text. Unless there is a threat that needs to be reported. But if someone is simply talking smack about someone else…DO NOT screenshot or forward. One group of kids I spoke with even invented this app called “No shot” to prevent this!

Intentional Harm: Bullying

Like gossip, bullying has been around forever, too. What’s different now then? Social media, texting, and hand-held devices provide kids with more tools to cause harm to one another.

It is incredibly easy to intentionally stir up drama between others by sharing something that you know might be upsetting. Or posting in ways that are intentionally vague and “coded” so that they will not be understood by everyone—but definitely understood by the person being attacked.

It’s important for parents and teachers to detect the nuanced differences between minor, everyday conflicts (which are very normal) and things that have escalated to intentional harm. Knowing where that line is allows you to be proactive in helping the child manage the situation. Resolving “true” bullying almost always requires the help of an adult.

Cyberbullying.org is a helpful organization for resources and support around online bullying.

Avoiding Conflict: No Reaction is a Good Reaction

There is a big difference between reacting and responding. Conflict usually requires a response, but a reaction can make it worse before it gets better. Think about that e-mail exchange—the back-and-forthW chain of reactions is almost always negative!

When we can, we should practice mindfulness and NON-REACTIVITY. Take a breath. Research shows that we actually hold our breath when checking email. We want oxygen in our brain.

Kids complicate this further. They commonly show their text messages to their friends (maybe to “recruit” others to their side), so many people may be evaluating a piece of communication. This usually doesn’t go well. Between two young people in middle school, any question can sound accusatory, and any answer can sound curt. It is very easy to commit an offense.

Face to Face Is Still the Best Way to Resolve Conflict

When all else fails, attempt to meet in person. Maybe with parents or teachers present, or maybe just kid to kid. We have to let kids know that when they get a message via Instagram, Snapchat, or Messenger that upsets them—stop and take a breath. Count to 10. Whatever creates space. Then, if possible, let’s try to talk face-to-face or at least by phone. Try not to let minor issues become major problems.

Kids communication centers around their devices. So it’s natural for technology to be their “go-to” in conflict resolution. After all, it’s how they communicate. But it is especially important for kids to understand that it is extremely difficult to repair an emotionally-charged situation without communicating in person.

Think of times where you were able to diffuse a disagreement in one face-to-face conversation—or even just a sympathetic look and the question, “do you want to talk?” You know how to do this, and you know how to teach your kids this. Devices don’t change the fact that it’s still just human communication.

Helping Kids with Conflict Resolution

Learning to get along in digital spaces is important, just like getting along at home or on the playground is crucial. This is why I repeat the mantra over and over again: Mentoring Over Monitoring.

Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World helps parents to be better mentors. And Growing Up in Public takes on social media, reputation, boundaries, and privacy.

Trying to control the technology is a fool’s errand – it changes too quickly, and your kids will often be ahead of the curve. However, thoughtful mentorship is the best way to help them learn how to manage their relationships – online and offline

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