Devorah Heitner's Blog, page 6

What Kids are Really Watching on Youtube (and how parents can deal with it)

“What are they doing on YouTube anyway?”

Your kid has been staring at his tablet for hours. When you ask what he’s watching, he answers “YouTube.” When he first logged on, you saw him watching another kid unwrapping some brand new toys on YouTube. Thirty minutes later, you hear your child laughing hysterically. You wonder, “What is he watching now? Is that toy video really that hilarious?” Just like we find ourselves browsing the internet or working away only to realize we have 14 open browser tabs, the same happens to our kids.

 

How can I deal with YouTube? Or what are the parental controls for YouTube? Or…How can I get my kid off YouTube? These are among the most common questions I hear from parents when I speak in communities. You check back in after an hour, and wonder, “Why are you watching that?”  Even YouTube Kids has been criticized for inappropriate content such as recommending disturbing videos and pornography. Ugh!  Recently the Google-owned app has released parental controls that let parents select trusted channels and topics for your child to access such as “learning,” or, “education.” Parents can even set a maximum number of channels to help customize a kid’s YouTube experience and keep them from falling down a rabbit hole of video content. But before you start setting up controls, you want to understand what your child is interested in some of the challenges they might run into.

 

You might be wondering what they’re watching on there. Here are a few popular channels and YouTubers your  kids might be into:         
          

(sourced from my local parent community) 

Khan Academy


Dude Perfect
PewDiePie   
Britain’s Got Talent
The Miles Chronicles (LGBTQ+)
LadyLike (makeup, fashion, and product tests)
Troom Troom (pranks and crafts)
Liza Koshy
Roblox videos
Game Theory
James Charles (makeup)
FUNnel Vision
Casey Neistat
FGTeeV
David Dobrik
Cody Ko

 

 

Parents have a love-hate relationship with YouTube

YouTube is a fantastic learning tool. Whether you’re looking up how to tie a Windsor knot, how to remove ants, or how to make the perfect souffle, you can find a video for just about anything you’re seeking to learn. One mom, Charlotte says, “I Love YouTube! It’s the new Encyclopedia Britannica! Unfortunately, you can also see disturbing things as well, so I have to monitor and prepare the kids not to believe everything they see and hear. I’d definitely let them create a YouTube channel if it was for something good.”

On the other hand, we’ve all had experiences with how disturbing some of the content can be. Some sick people are clearly attempting to get young children to view pornography by using characters that kids would like, with content that is not for kids. Kate says, “I had to ban YouTube for my 4-year-old daughter right about the time I found the ‘Spiderman Effs Elsa’ and ‘Spiderman Pees on Elsa’ channels playing while she looked on, confused. Sick people out there and it’s not worth having YouTube if there is even a chance for her to come across the Elsa rape scene again. I was SICKENED.”

Other parents have mentioned Pokemon and other anime channels that appear to be OK but when they dig further, parents describe it as ”basically softcore cartoon porn.” Parents are worried, because one wrong click and your child has seen things they can’t unsee.

Another parent, Nina, didn’t like all the materialism for young kids. She said, “My daughter is way too into toy videos. She’s only four and has been begging to make toy videos and put them on YouTube. Part of me is considering letting her do it, but I also don’t want her getting deeper into that nonsense. For older kids, I think having a YouTube channel is fine, as long as the parent helps manage it.”

A few parents have mentioned new behaviors elicited from their kids that they didn’t particularly like that seem to be inspired by YouTube. For instance, Celi said, “My almost 7-year-old was loving YouTube Kids way too much! She was mostly watching commercials about Shopkins, and then Surprise Dolls became an obsession. She talked about how rare some were and actually stole one from another kid at school! That was all it took for us to ban YouTube kids in our home. Maybe when she’s older and better able to manage, but for now I’d rather have her doing more and watching less.” 

 

Conversation starters with kids

As your kids are getting started with finding videos they enjoy on YouTube, set up some ground-rules early on. You might want to consider allowing just a few channels to start. These will be channels that you’ve personally watched together with your kids to make sure they’re age-appropriate and suitable for your child. If your child has been watching YouTube for a while and you’re just getting the conversation started now, here are some ideas to get your kids to engage in a valuable discussion:

Tell me about what you’re watching on there. What do you like about it?
Why do you think he/she likes making these videos?
Have you seen any videos you didn’t like? What didn’t you like about them?

Remember to ask questions in a non-confrontational way and to make sure you’re not ready to judge them to help create a safe space for your children to share.

 

More YouTube Parent Strategies

One mom said her 10-year-old son mostly watches video gamers and subscribes to channels under her account, so she sees exactly what he’s doing because the updates wind up in her email. Other parents pre select a bunch of youtube videos with or their kids or on their own and then give their kids the choice to just watch those. Some parents make playlists with prescreened, approved videos. You may want to check out these YouTube reviews by Common Sense. Some parents only let kids explore on YouTube when they can be with them, or at least in the same room…and others may even restrict YouTube so that kids can only use it with adult supervision. If you choose to do this, it is no substitute for mentoring. Look for interesting channels and individuals to follow with your kids. Talk with them about the “suggestions” they see and why they should pursue a more intentional set of choices, and not let an algorithm choose their next view. 

Whether or note you choose parental controls, you’ll still need to talk with your child about how to use YouTube appropriately on other devices and in other settings, and offer guidance on navigating the waters of YouTube when you are together!

You found your child watching inappropriate content—now what?

This rule applies to more than just offensive YouTube content and is an excellent rule for all of the tricky parenting moments—don’t freak out. Freaking out is always a terrible idea, and in the case of kids accidentally (or even intentionally) landing on naughty or just plain weird YouTube content that’s not appropriate could lead to confusion down the road. Approach these situations with curiosity and ask how they ended up watching the video. Talk about how the video(s) made them feel, and if something isn’t appropriate for their eyes, calmly explain why and let them know how to handle it if they land on it again.

Use the opportunity to listen and learn from your child It may have been recommended as a video to watch next, and naturally, they clicked on it and started watching, maybe even unsure what they were looking at. It’s in these parenting moments, you might identify areas where you want to rethink where they watch videos (or with whom.) You may also want to start viewing content with them and discuss what they like and what they don’t about the channels they’re watching.

YouTube can be both inspiring and educational for all of us. It can teach us how to make a new recipe, or how to build a treehouse. Approaching it with curiosity and a healthy dose of  mindful attention can help your children learn to do the same. 

 

If you found this article helpful, you might also enjoy these:

 

Screentime Battles: When Kids Refuse to Unplug
Kids Don’t Always Know When News Is Fake

The post What Kids are Really Watching on Youtube (and how parents can deal with it) appeared first on Raising Digital Natives.

Raising A Digital Kid? Empower them to Mindfully Add Contacts

When we think about getting our kid a first phone or offer access to a tablet or laptop, parents often think about what apps we’ll allow, which social media platforms are age-appropriate, and staying aware of what they’re doing online. All great things to be mindful of as you raise kids in the digital age! A commonly overlooked topic, however, is the contacts or connections your child can access from their phone or tablet.

Before your young communicator jumps in and wants to connect with everyone they possibly can, first, it is important to consider their “universe” of connections. The younger they are, the more hands-on you’ll want to be about mentoring your kid about these choices.

When you first hand a new device to your child, brainstorm together about some age-appropriate boundaries for contacts.

Here are some age-appropriate examples from families I’ve worked with:

 

Elementary school – parents know all contacts/ friends/followers.


Middle school – Parents probably know many kids your child connects with, but you may not have personally met. This could be a classmate your child talks a lot about, but you haven’t greeted face-to-face. Kids should be comfortable turning down a connection request or disconnecting with someone who’s bothering them, or if the relationship has ended. If they follow celebrities or certain topics, that’s where they can connect with people they don’t know personally, and they should be prudent about those connections.


High School – Their universe of contacts is largely their own, but they need to know how to access help if harassment or other tricky issues arise. Depending on your assessment of their judgment, you may want to ask them about unfamiliar contacts.


Getting ready for or entering college – you might not be familiar with many of their connections as they’ll be expanding their networks in their interest areas and professional life. Context overlap can become an issue (i.e. when you’re connected to people with whom you might have both personal and professional relationships.)

 

If you give your child the green light to create a social media profile be sure to discuss criteria for who to send and accept contact requests from. For instance, your son may want to only chat with people he knows in real life (IRL), like family and friends. Adults outside of the family are a special case. Maybe the parents of close friends are a yes, but the parents of the kids you babysit for are a no. Your older child probably won’t want to connect with teachers on a social platform, unless it is part of an assignment (ie the class is on Twitter) but a younger child might, so it’s worth reminding kids about what channels are appropriate for connecting with teachers (usually email) and which ones aren’t.

 

The “who” of your child’s contact universe

Once your child has started building their world of contacts, keep the conversation going with regards to the content of their friend’s post. Ask your child how specific posts make them feel, what posts they find entertaining or funny, and which ones make them feel icky. This will also give you some deeper clues into your child’s personality, and can offer some opportunities where you can step in and act as a good role model.



Brainstorm with your child how to respond if some of their contacts are unkind on social media or on text threads to your child or others. Keep the dialogue open and ongoing to encourage your child to consider their own behavior and that of others.



As they’re adding contacts, this is also a great time to discuss when they might want to disconnect from some people. Think about your experience, be open and share some examples. Perhaps you unfollowed or disconnected from a friend or colleague because their posts were overly negative or maybe they posted incessantly.

Slow and steady: adding contacts mindfully

If you can empower your child build their contact list slowly and deliberately, this can help them to avoid overwhelm later on when they scroll through their contacts and don’t recognize half of them. Make sure your child  knows it’s perfectly fine to simply ignore requests from people she doesn’t know or don’t want to chat with. If they’re elementary age, give your child permission to blame you. He can say, “My phone is new and my parents have to review new contacts first.” Or “Once we’ve had a playdate and my dad meets you, we can add you to the Minecraft server.”

Here are some more strategies for thinking about contacts:

Start with just a small number of contacts: add immediate family as contacts first, then expand to extended family.
When adding friends, add just a close friend or two at a time, and avoid adding the entire class at once.
Make sure your child knows that they’re never obligated to share their phone number.
Have them think through ways to say “no” that they’re comfortable with. Blaming you might be the best option for younger kids!
Work with your child to brainstorm contacts that he may need such as the phone numbers for kids/parents in carpool, emergency contacts, etc.
Periodically check in to discuss new contacts with a novice communicator.

Help! My child has too many contacts!

First, don’t freak out (sound advice that applies to most parenting moments). Your child may have enthusiastically added numerous contacts because they didn’t want to say no, or having a lengthy list of friends makes them feel good. They may need to adjust the rate of adding new contacts.



Sometimes kids worry about being rude, so they accept everyone. Many kids feel like the number of connections represents having a lot of having friends and being cool. Who doesn’t want to have a lot of friends and feel good? If all is well, they may not need to edit, but it’s important to consider the emotional energy and time involved in staying in touch with so many people.

Keeping contacts current

Review your child’s list of contacts and figure out who you recognize. Kids often add a lot of connections by default. Discuss having a contact cleanup day and remove people they don’t know or don’t really want to stay in contact with. If your child doesn’t remember who some contacts are, they can remove these too. Also, talk with your kids about how you clean out your contacts and keep them current. When you get a new device or even a new app is a great time to revisit everyone’s list of connections to keep it fresh.

Transitions like graduating from middle school are a great time to go through all of your contacts and make sure you want to keep them. That friend from camp three summers ago that you haven’t spoken to, or the person who posts really gross videos might be worth pruning. If your child really needs a fresh start after a major social transition, you can offer them a new phone number.

Ultimately, our digital devices should serve us, and make it possible to extend and enjoy our friendships and our interests. They shouldn’t make us (or our kids) constantly stressed or feel like we have another job. Much of the way our kids feel when they use phones and tablets has to do with their universe of connections—who’s on there with them. And that’s something that they have some control over!





If you enjoyed this article, you might like these too:

Your Child’s First Cell Phone: How to Know When They Are Ready… and How to Know When YOU Are Ready
Forget New Year’s Resolutions— Set intentional tech habits
6 Truths About Parenting Tweens in the Digital Age

Has your child been asking you for a phone or have they been using one for a year or so and it’s not going so great? If you’re sick of the fighting with your child and wondering how to help them succeed with a phone without it taking over their lives (or yours)  and constantly wondering, what are they doing on there?  Phonewise: Bootcamp for Parents can help your family wade in to this new territory.

The post Raising A Digital Kid? Empower them to Mindfully Add Contacts appeared first on Raising Digital Natives.

How Student Activists Are Using Their Skills to Chart a New Path

While many adults worry about kids misusing their digital devices, I am consistently impressed by the ways many young people are using social media to make positive changes in the world.

The conversation became very personal for me, following the outspoken students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL. Dealing with a traumatic experience and unspeakable losses, these young people have been speaking out on multiple platforms – and they are  being heard and even getting results in ways that we haven’t seen before.

On the day of the Parkland shooting, I stopped at the bank and the live footage of students being evacuated was playing over the tellers’ heads. I was horrified and rooted to the spot. My own experience came roaring back, vivid and present once again. You see, most people in my day-to-day life don’t know I survived a school shooting.

In 1992, when a fellow student brought an automatic weapon to our little Western Massachusetts college campus, it was covered by national media, but there was no peer-to-peer media. Very few of us spoke publicly about the experience at the time. We didn’t call it a “mass shooting” or a “school shooting.” It seemed like an aberration, an isolated event.

It was premeditated and planned, however. The killer had waited until his 18th birthday so he could acquire a semi-automatic weapon at a local sporting goods store. On a cold day in December, he came to campus with that weapon and began his killing spree. He had enough ammunition to kill all of us, but by providence or luck or both, his gun jammed. The majority of us were saved that day. Two people were killed, included my friend Galen Gibson. Four others were wounded.

One of those wounded, Joshua Faber, wrote his account of the incident for his college newspaper years later while he was a graduate student at MIT in 2000. Galen Gibson’s father eventually wrote a book reflecting on what happened as did another classmate, Anne Thalheimer.  But we didn’t have an outlet to share our experiences in the moment, so most people didn’t hear our stories about what it is like to survive an event like this. Many of us did go to statehouse and other protests to demand a close in the loophole that had allowed the killer to purchase his weapon, but there wasn’t the groundswell of response we are seeing now, following the Parkland massacre.

It took me 25 years and a frozen moment in line at the bank to tell my story. In light of the inspiring outspoken leadership from a set of truly remarkable student activists in Florida, I shared my own story in Time magazine.

My goal is aligned with the Parkland survivors – harness this surge of interest and shift in long-held dogma to challenge lawmakers to change the laws to reduce the likelihood – or even prevent – future mass shootings.

I wrote the article for the young activists, who emerged from this traumatic situation with their voices loud, their message unified and clear, and with a very shrewd use of social media to plan actions and share their critiques of politicians and organizations who have let inaction reign on this issue.

Here is my message to these young people, excerpted from the article:

“You have inspired me. As a parent, as an educator, as someone who is deeply optimistic about the ways young people can make change in this world, I am excited to see what you will do. Your generation has the the tools and the savvy and the motivation. Rise up. Fight back. Show up – whether it’s in your town, your state capital, in D.C., or on Twitter. Channel your grief and frustration and rage into action. This is going to be a long struggle and the trauma of your losses may overwhelm you at times. Stay strong. Take care of each other. We are listening. We are with you.”

The very existence of social media is one of the crucial differences between then and now. In February of this year, another Simon’s Rock classmate, Jesse Doris, published a thoughtful and moving reflection in the New Yorker about the differences between our experience in 1992 and the groundswell of change happening now may be due (at least partially) to the ways that today’s generation communicate. They simply have more access to an audience and more reach in the form of social channels, and thereby are more generally practiced and prepared for public discourse. Jesse’s point in the article is that the private grief we experienced in those pre-social media days is not available to this generation, and perhaps that lack of privacy will lead to change.

Like many things in today’s digital landscape, this poses a new set of problems. In light of this, what does citizenship – and digital citizenship – look like? The Parkland teenagers are showing us right now, in real time. It looks just like this, taking to Twitter to organize a national march, planning a boycott, and crucially, networking with other student activists who have been working hard for years with far less media attention and institutional support.

It’s amazing, and why I said in my article that this is the first time I’ve had hope in 25 years.

You can read the whole piece here on Time.com – and spoiler alert, if you ask me if I think “smartphones have destroyed a generation,” I am going to answer with a resounding… no.

I Am a School Shooting Survivor. This Is the First Time I’ve Had Hope in 25 Years

Photo credits: “Students Walkout Against Gun Violence” by Phil Roeder is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Changed from original: Added text and color overlays. Screenshot of Time.com captured March 13, 2018.

The post How Student Activists Are Using Their Skills to Chart a New Path appeared first on Raising Digital Natives.

Forget New Year’s Resolutions— Set intentional tech habits

If you just make one change to your tech habits right now, what would it be?

This article is not (yet another) resolution-setting checklist list, I promise!  It’s easy to get overwhelmed by all of our goals for fitness, better work habits and (for me) home organization. Instead of trying to change everything about your family’s tech habits, perhaps you can reflect on changes you want to make and focus on creating new tech habits that support your life. Just try not to get overwhelmed.

Are we being the best mentors to our kids and modeling tech-positive behavior? For some big ideas on this front, check out my mentorship manifesto. And then come back here and choose just one thing you’d like to work on, for now. Once that’s underway and feels good, you can pick one more thing.

Why just one thing? All the research on human behavior suggests that we can’t change all of our habits at once.

Here are some ideas for checking in as you launch back into school and work this year:

If your child received a new tech device over the holidays, you might already be looking to set up some new boundaries and habits. Join other parents in Phonewise Boot Camp to work on this in a fun and structured way. If you prefer to DIY, take a friend to coffee who has a child with a connected device and pick their brain about what they wish they’d known, before they got their kids that device.
Is there anyone in your family who is sick of being tech support? What is some knowledge they could share in a one-time workshop, tip sheet or video that can be other family members can consult the next time your go-to techie isn’t available to troubleshoot?
Would better password hygiene or a password app be helpful to your sanity and security?
How is sharing devices and accounts working for your family?
Are there digital subscriptions you no longer need?
Is it time to offer your child a digital “allowance” for digital spending? Check out Screenwis e: Helping Kids Thrive and Survive in Their Digital World for more on this topic and other tips on family life in the digital age.

For my own family, better password planning, and hygiene are on the agenda in a big way. Kids need to know how to create secure passwords—and how to record them somewhere safe. In our family, one person was reusing passwords in an unsafe way while another was an expert at crafting tough passwords, but bad at remembering them. It was a nightmare!  

Where is sharing working and not working? Sharing an Apple ID has been mixed for many families I talk with, with unintended privacy issues (like your kids having access to your email).

It’s always a great time to check on digital subscriptions you can eliminate or downgrade. On the other hand, my spouse and I were frugally sharing a Spotify account, but every time I went to the gym (my primary zone for music), I’d get texts from my sweetie about killing his jams. I was ready for my own big-girl Spotify account instead of sharing with my husband. Just came back from the gym, and it was worth every penny!

 

Be the kind of digital mentor your family needs

Ever since your kids were little, you’ve come to learn just how much your kids will do what you do, and not what you say. When I work with kids at schools they tell me that they’re observing some of our most unfortunate tech habits. The good news is that you as a parent are still a top influencer in your child’s life, and you can model good tech behavior to help set your child up for success with balancing the role of tech in her life.

If the first thing you reach for each morning after your alarm sounds is your smartphone, you’re answering emails during breakfast, and listening to voicemail on the ride to school—think about how these actions, though a mindless part of your day, appear to your child. Consider how you want your family to interact with their tech devices, then, before setting up some new family rules, first explore how you might modify some of your own tech habits.

 

What are you really doing on there?

While your kid is on their video game console, ask about what they’re playing. Are they playing with anyone online? If your child is a new social media user, ask about the kinds of accounts they follow. Are they popular brands? Celebrities? Who are their friends? Do they know them in real life? Ask them to show you examples of social media profiles that they think are cool, and others they think are inappropriate. The more that your child can articulate about their standards, the more you’ll know where they need mentorship.

The same is true for you. Your kids will only know what you’re using tech for if you show them and tell them. Feel free to show your kids the presentation you’re building for work, the flyers for the event you’re helping to coordinate, and some news or photos from friends on social media. When you’re open about your own digital life and make your kids a part of the experience, you’ll make it easier for everyone to talk about. Open up the lines of communication early, and make it an ongoing habit to check-in using an approach of curiosity (as opposed to panic.)

Share pictures with permission

If you create just one new habit this year, this one might be the most beneficial in setting your children to be considerate in their digital socializing.

If your kid is old enough to understand and care what you share, don’t share another picture of them online without their permission. Before they reach that age, share with consideration for their future sense of privacy and identity. When you ask your child for the thumbs up to post a picture from your phone, it sends a message of trust and respect and teaches your child that any images of them are theirs—and theirs alone. It helps your child to recognize that sharing is a choice and that some things can and should be kept private. He’ll feel more confident to be assertive about his privacy with friends, too.

 

Tech intentions for the entire family

If your whole family could use a little intention-setting, take some time where everyone is relaxed and ask each family member to talk about any new tech intentions they have for the year—both for themselves and for other family members. Maybe one of your kids wants to try a new way to avoid digital distraction during homework. Maybe one of the grownups wants to check email less frequently.

 

 While it might be hard to hear, asking your kid to share one of your tech habits that they’d like to see you change can be eye-opening and help you to set and stick to new habits. This is also a great opportunity to revisit what your family’s unplugged time will look like each day and each week. Should everyone stow their phone in the kitchen overnight, or in a parent’s room? Could you all switch your devices to airplane mode starting at dinner time?

Visiting just one habit at a time, you can make small changes, one by one to become a great digital mentor for your child. For some more ideas on mentorship, check out this article.

The post Forget New Year’s Resolutions— Set intentional tech habits appeared first on Raising Digital Natives.

Hold The Phone: 8 Signs Your Kid Isn’t Ready For a Phone

 

“ALL my friends have one!”

Maybe she’s asking once a week and you’re starting to feel worn down. Maybe he’s bugging you before you’ve even had your coffee.

Perhaps you’ve already gotten your child their first phone, and you think it might have been too soon.

The decision to get your kid a phone is an important one and just because your child is pressing you, doesn’t mean you should take the decision lightly.

Phones are popping up at more dinner tables and in more classrooms around the country and parents are talking with me more and more about the challenges phones bring to their already hectic lives. Smartphone in hand, your kid can access the entire world with just a few swipes and clicks, and this is a huge responsibility. Before you hand your child the entire world, here are some clues that your child might not yet be ready for the responsibility a phone brings.

Clues your child isn’t ready for a phone:
1 | You aren’t ready yet.

Don’t underestimate your intuition. If you’re not ready to be the parent of a child with a phone, this matters more than any other reason. Mentorship is crucial, and if you’re not prepared to model good behavior with your phone, you may want to hold off until you’re ready to take advantage of all the teachable moments that will come when you’re mindful of modeling. Teaching your child to make smart decisions and to know when to ask for help will set them up for a lifetime of successful digital communication. If the phone is primarily for your convenience, (perhaps after you waited in the rain for your child’s bus for an hour) remember that parenting a phone user comes with some new inconveniences and stresses that may outweigh the inconveniences you currently face. That balance will tip…but has it tipped yet?

 

2 | There’s false pressure to get a phone.

If your child or other parents are pressing you, keep in mind, it’s your call. You might feel particularly intense pressure to buy your child a device around milestones such as birthdays or holidays. If you’re feeling repeated pressure from the same cast of characters, try to understand why. Have a face-to-face conversation about why these folks or your child are adamant about getting a phone and listen with curiosity and empathy to understand where they’re coming from. Maybe you can simply decide that a phone isn’t a suitable holiday or birthday gift. Untangle the act of buying a phone from life events and futile calendar dates and instead focus on modeling good phone manners.

3 | You’re thinking a magic milestone will make them ready.

A birthday milestone, or some far-off date in the future will not ensure your child’s readiness for the responsibility that comes having the entire world a swipe away. Instead, consider independence milestones—ways for your child to demonstrate readiness. Here are some milestones to consider:

Making lunch without help
Walking home from school alone
Spending a brief time home alone
Babysitting a younger child for short windows of time
Riding public transit independently
Organized with homework

If your child is demonstrating independence in many of the above milestones, they could be ready or ready soon. If not, you can consider setting progressive milestones for your child to work towards to demonstrate readiness.

4 | Lacking social decision-making ability.

Another indicator to consider is your child’s ability to make decisions in social situations. If your child acts impulsively, is quick to show anger, or has trouble saying sorry for hurt feelings, these could all be signs to hold the phone until they’ve been able to demonstrate some of these life and social skills consistently. In my course: Phonewise Bootcamp we dive into how to assess these skills and help your child practice them.

5 | Your child hasn’t had the opportunity to practice yet.

Give your kid the chance test out a phone with some training wheels by learning on your phone or a shared family device, and talk about which skills are most important to demonstrate. Some simple training wheel activities can be answering a phone, making a call, leaving a voice message, and sending a text to another family member. Practice patience in waiting for return text messages and phone calls and model good behavior for your phone user in training.

 

6 | Your child won’t react well to certain content.

With a smartphone, your child will have greater access to pornography and other inappropriate content. If your child is unable to resist, or you think they lack the ability to make sound decisions when it comes to handling potential contact with strangers, and disturbing images, this could also be a red flag to hold off on a phone.

7 | You haven’t had an open and curious discussion yet.

If the only conversation you’ve had with your child about a phone is why they can or can’t have one, it’s a good idea to hold off until you’ve had some open discussions. Here are some questions to ask. Make sure you listen with curiosity, not judgment:

What do you plan to do with the phone? Games? Apps? Texting? Social media?
What do you think could be fun—and not fun—about group texting?
What should you do if you text someone and you don’t hear back right away?
Have your friends ever showed you someone else’s text messages or emails?

Need some guidance with walking through these conversations? And some support from other parents? Check out Phonewise Bootcamp.

8 | You haven’t yet reflected on the phone culture of your family.

Considering giving your child a new phone can turn into a great occasion to examine your relationship with tech. Are you a nonstop texter? Do you overuse social media? Do you sleep with your phone? Think about your modeling and if there are issues you can challenge yourself to address, before you give your child a phone. Consider if there will be times when a phone will be off-limits, what apps are okay to use, and what consequences your child will be subject to for misuse. Thinking about the rest of the family, are there siblings who will want to use the phone? Where will the phone go at bedtime, during homework time, or while eating? Who will pay for the plan? What if the phone is lost? These are all essential parts of everyday life with a phone to discuss in advance.



Your personal experience navigating relationships and tech can be helpful to your child as they get ready for life with a smartphone. Remember, your knowledge is powerful, and try hard not to freak out when things go wrong in their digital world. Things will go awry—look at these times as an opportunity for a teaching moment as we all get used to parenting in the digital age.

 

If your child is ready or almost ready for a phone, great! This is also the perfect time to sign up for Phonewise Boot Camp For Parents: Setting your kid up for success with their first phone. Class starts January 8th! Earlybird discount for folks who join by December 9th, plus a live bonus coaching call on December 10 for all enrolled students. If you have questions about your kid’s first (or fourth) phone, get in touch!

 

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Empowering Your Kids to Stand Up for Themselves (and Others)

“Someone posted something really mean about another kid in our group chat.”

Has your child ever said this to you? If she has, two things:

High-five! This is what great parents are made of – your kid trusts you and can open up to you about this stuff.
You probably stopped whatever it was you were doing, put your phone down, closed your laptop, and looked your child in the face to start a conversation.

Before we get into how to set your kids up for success in navigating these situations, here are some questions to ask your child:

What did you see?
How did this make you feel?
How did it make others feel?
What did you do next?
Would you do anything differently?

Ask these questions from a place of curiosity. You’re not being accusatory here. Just listen to them.

Once you understand what your child heard or saw, your next step is to empower her to speak up next time, and every time. Let her know in a positive way that she has control over her reaction and permission to say something whenever something isn’t right. Let her know that even though standing up for herself or others and speaking up might feel uncomfortable, you believe that standing up for yourself and others is always the best choice.

“Upstanders” Need a Good Role Model – You!

Mentorship is critical in issue of digital citizenship. Your kids are watching what you say and do. Treat this as an opportunity to “ambiently” instill your values in them. In other words, be an upstander yourself!

Show them that you stand confidently in your values and opinions, even if they could be considered unpopular. When you’re assertive, your children are more likely to be assertive as well. This also means when you tell your child “no” you need to stick to it.

Here are some responses you can share with your children, depending on their age and maturity level, to respond to inappropriate and unkind behavior.

Preschool to primary grades

We can teach our younger children about boundary setting and speaking up early on. At this age, it’s completely acceptable that adult authority is huge, so having them put the focus on how you will react can help get them in the habit of saying something as they get more comfortable feeling empowered.

Here are some responses for preschoolers and primary gradeschoolers:

If you keep doing that, my mom won’t let me play with you anymore
We’re not supposed to be doing that / looking at that / saying things like that
That’s inappropriate
We’re both going to get sent to the Principal’s office if you keep doing that
That’s not safe; I’m getting our teacher/my mom / my dad / my caretaker
Let’s do something else/or “I’m going to do something else” and then walk away

5th-7th grade

In 5th grade and middle school, your children could be exposed to games and images that are inappropriate on laptops, tablets, and phones. They may need help setting boundaries with friends, so it’s still perfectly acceptable for a middle schooler to cite their parents as a reason to avoid certain websites, language or behavior. You can have your kids point their finger at you as they get used to standing in their own convictions and feeling safe in their values. At this age, they can also start to stand up for their time and integrity.

Arm your preteen with these statements to help prepare them to stand on their own:

If you keep watching stuff like that, my parents won’t let me invite you over
Let’s find something better to watch/do
Please don’t text me after 9 pm or I’ll get in trouble
I have to set my status to do not disturb while I’m doing my homework, so you won’t see me in the group text/game/on Snapchat, etc.
I heard about this new game [game you both agree is appropriate], let’s play that instead
[Friend’s name] would be hurt if they heard you say that
Dude, that’s not even funny

8th grade and beyond

At this age, kids have more control over their environment and may have a fair amount of peer time with no adults around. They’ll need to set their own boundaries physical and digital boundaries and know that they can just leave if they get too uncomfortable or the situation becomes too inappropriate.

At an age where kids feel constant pressure to fit in, you can help them feel confident in setting up their boundaries.

When you send me 20 texts in a row, I don’t respond any quicker
Hey, that’s just gross, don’t show me that stuff anymore
I’m saving myself for actual sex, so no I don’t want to watch porn with you
I’m taking a break from that app. Not my thing.
I don’t want to share a picture like that – I’d prefer to be known for my fabulous (writing/soccer playing/joke-telling/debate skill) self

For kids who are dating, frequency of digital connection is likely something they will need to negotiate and agree on. Otherwise, expectations can be very uneven. This is a path towards hurt feelings.

Setting Boundaries: Kids Sometimes Think It’s “Being Mean”

Let your kids know it’s OK and even necessary to set boundaries. When we show our children that it’s OK to have boundaries, we’re giving them the tools they need to help build their confidence in standing up for what and who they believe in. This should extend from real-world interactions into online relationships, in social media, and in online games, too. Sometimes our kids should stand up, and sometimes it’s OK just to get out.

Our children also need to know that if a conversation on social media, chat, or texting thread has veered into harassment or hateful speech, finding a way out of the conversation is imperative. They won’t want to be associated with the discussion if it becomes more public – for instance, as part of a disciplinary or legal process.

Sticking up for a friend or a teacher in your own social circle makes sense. Taking on a public mob for their racist or homophobic comments in a digital setting may not make sense – there are often better ways to contribute to the conversation.

What Works for You and Your Family?

What kinds of conversations have you had with your kids? Do you have any other scripts your kids use that have worked well? Let everyone hear it in the comments below – or here in my Community Discussion Group for Parents on Facebook.

If you found this helpful, you also might enjoy how to handle exclusion in the Instagram age and how to handle conflict in the digital age.

The post Empowering Your Kids to Stand Up for Themselves (and Others) appeared first on Raising Digital Natives.

Homework Solutions in the Age of Distraction

Your child steps through the front door and drops his backpack by the door and heads straight to the kitchen. After a quick hello, you hear, “I’m hungry,” as he walks into the kitchen.

“Do you have any homework?” You ask as he grabs a piece of fruit from the counter.

Now, you’re fast forwarding to the scene from last night. At curriculum night, the teacher told you to expect 45 minutes of homework each day, but your kid has been sitting at his Chromebook for over an hour.

Homework that needs to happen on the computer or tablet seems to take longer. And it can be hard to know if your child is actually doing homework, or if she is playing games or chatting with friends.

Homework Help: Simple Strategies

Here are some strategies to help you figure out what’s happening and to foster your child’s homework independence:

Let them unwind. How would you feel if the second you walked through the door and hung up your keys, your boss was telling you to get back to work? It doesn’t really inspire you to fire up your laptop and give it your all, right? Besides, you’ve already been working on your computer for several hours today. The same goes for your kids. Give them a chance to unwind, spark a conversation about their day, or encourage them to get outside and move their bodies. They’ve just been sitting in a classroom, learning and working away on their computer or at a desk for a good chunk of their day too, so when they get a chance to move their bodies, they’ll return to school work with a fresh mind.
Understand that collaboration is challenging. Think back to the group projects you used to work on in school. Maybe you despised them; you’d rather just do it yourself. Or, maybe you loved group work and the fresh ideas that came to light with every new project. Digital tools make the logistics of collaborating easier, but they don’t make negotiating ideas and group work any easier. Sometimes teachers assign team projects assuming that kids already have the social skills to develop ideas together. Just like your kid needed to learn how to use the computer effectively, she also needs to learn how to collaborate. Guide your child to help set her up for success in her first team project. It may help to check in with a teacher to find out if there has been some guidance on the roles and expectations for each group member.
Are they really doing homework? Every time you look over, your child is engrossed in the computer and doesn’t seem to be working. Is he obsessively checking fantasy football stats or thinking through a homework assignment? The textbook is open, but his smartphone is also buzzing. Is that a group text? If you think your child might be distracted, brainstorm with him on ways minimize any distractions. If your child has been using his tablet or Chromebook for some time, check in to see how it’s going.
Set up tech-healthy habits. Creating daily habits requires us to do less thinking about what we need to do next. When your kids were young, you set up lots of routines, such as taking a bath, brushing teeth, reading a book, and getting to bed. Homework time is an excellent opportunity to set up new habits with school-aged children. If your children know that after they grab a snack and play basketball for a half hour or so, it’s homework time. The more a daily homework habit takes hold, the less you’ll fight with your children about homework. A tech habit to help your child get into is using only one screen at a time. If she’s actively using her tablet or computer, there’s usually no good reason to be using her smartphone too.
Set up a distraction-free zone. Creating a designated homework area that’s free from tempting distractions like a television or buzzing smartphone will help your child complete her homework more efficiently. If you have space, set up a desk with plenty of pens and pencils, as well as scissors and glue for younger kids. Make sure your space is well lit, and if possible, away from high-traffic areas like your kitchen or family room. One boarding school I worked with offered pockets for students to put their phones into during study hall. They’re optional, but encouraged, and it helps many students focus on school work.
Set a good example. Your child’s homework time is also a great opportunity to work on your own “homework.” Maybe you have a report to finish for work, some emails to finish replying to, or some bills to pay. Let your child see you focusing on your task at hand without pausing to check your smartphone, multitasking, or double screening.
Let them stop. If there’s too much homework, let your children stop before the homework is complete. For younger kids, you can let the teacher know, older kids can let the teacher know on their own that this is what’s possible for your child to do in the time allotted. If teachers don’t get that feedback, they won’t know. Many families struggle with this as kids feel like they need to do everything assigned. Even if your child prefers not to stop, if homework is interfering with sleep or eating or other things your child needs to do (including downtime) then it is up to you to pull the plug.  Here’s some great advice about how to advocate if your child is getting too much homework.
Mentoring over monitoring. You’ve probably heard me say this before, but this is another great opportunity to mentor them instead of merely monitoring them. Make yourself available for questions, but stay out of their homework business. If your child seems frustrated or disengaged, feel free to ask her how it’s going and offer to help, but don’t push. Your kids should be doing their homework mostly independently. So, as much as you can, be available to assist, but encourage them to solve problems on their own. You shouldn’t be crossing their Ts or editing their work in most cases. Brainstorming with them to plan how to achieve the needed focus is more productive than hovering.

Have you had any success with any of these homework tech tips? What works well for your family? What are you still struggling with? Leave a comment below and join the discussion.

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Photo credit: ND Strupler, “Homework with iPad.” Original image https://flic.kr/p/e4wvHu is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Changed from original: Added text overlays.

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6 Truths About Parenting Tweens in the Digital Age

Parenting tweens gets a bad rap. In my work helping parents and schools with kids and social media, I hear a lot of complaining about kids between 9 and 13 “growing up too fast,” being “immature” or “distracted.”  My digital citizenship workshops with kids this age have given me a window into their creativity and generosity.  That being said, it can be difficult for parents and educators to balance their burgeoning need for autonomy with residual kid-like behavior.

Nine to thirteen year olds are moving through huge changes in their physical, cognitive emotional and social development. They are starting to form their own identities, trying on new personae and testing boundaries every day. If you have a 6th grader in your house right now, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Kids may change their hairstyles and extracurricular pursuits to align with new identities at this age.

While this search for identity is not a new phenomenon, social media has added a confounding layer on top of an already intense and complicated time. To start, their potential audience is wider. This translates into more feedback—or at least the impression of more feedback. As our kids start using in social media, we need to make sure they are not “crowdsourcing” their identity and quantifying their popularity through the pursuit of “likes.” How can we do this?

Some kids start out independent, but become more conformist in middle school as a way to fit into the sometimes harsh social expectations that begin to accrue. Other kids have been trying to fit in forever and tend to “follow the crowd.”

As best you can, try to resist your own judgement about your child’s conformity (or nonconformity) and, instead, help them to see it for themselves. You want your child to feel confident about her choices. As parents, we can agree that we don’t want our daughter to give up ice hockey, if she loves it, just because a lot of her female friends are gravitating towards gymnastics. On the other hand, if she then wants the exact same headband as her friends, try to resist judgment there, too.

 

6 Truths about Parenting Tweens

 

1) They want you to think well of them. They want to know that you respect them and like them and are hurt if you think poorly of them. Even if they seem to be trying to provoke a low opinion of themselves. Use this to your advantage! Be careful about what you say about them on social media or out loud when you think they can’t hear you. You may need to vent about their behavior, but be really careful about doing it in ways that won’t get back to them. By this age, it is crucial to always ask permission before you share pictures of them, or updates about them on social media. This is a great way to build trust, honor their privacy and teach them healthy boundaries about posting on social media.

 

2) It is very typical for kids to sometimes complain about you. So if you read their texts…you may see some moaning and groaning. Be careful about not overreacting to this! This is one of the many hazards of digitally spying on kids, especially without their knowledge. Think carefully about your motivations.

 

3) On the other hand, by this age, many kids know enough about their friends’ families to appreciate their own. They talk about their parents with one another. Your kid may talk about how she envies some of her friends’ families, but she also probably knows enough about some of her peer’s families to be grateful she has you. The families that seem to have few or no rules for their kids’ behavior may seem less appealing to your child as she gets to know them. Differing rules about social media, curfews or other boundaries will provoke some important conversations with your tween

 

4) They want their friends to really know and understand them, but they don’t always totally understand themselves. Friendship is really tough at this age. Many kids go through relationship turmoil. Small problems can become big problems, and texting can turn up the dial on misunderstandings. It is easy to focus on feeling left out and social media can make it painfully visible and public.  It is one thing to learn about something you missed after the fact; it is even more painful to watch photos posted in real time by kids who are at a party or get-together that is taking place without you.

 

5) Sometimes tweens wish they were still little kids–even though they are all about talking about how they don’t want to be treated like a little kid. And they don’t! Except when they do. Don’t remark on this, just accept those times they want to be close. This is a time in your kid’s life to accept that you may be their ‘B’ plan if they don’t get invited to something cooler. If you can embrace being the fallback plan without complaint, you might end up having a really fun afternoon or evening with a great kid that you know and love.

 

6) They need reasonable and consistent limits.  Your presence gives them an excuse to say no to stuff that freaks them out. For example: Stop sending me those pictures. My dad looks at my phone and I’ll be in BIG trouble. Your child will push back. That is his job. Your job is to stay consistent, and to look ahead to greater independence and different limits. Small areas of independence may be very important to your tween, so finding the places where you can give them space to increase independence and self-reliance is also important. You don’t have to read all of your child’s texts for him to use you as a guardrail with peers to set a boundary.

 

Ultimately, as parents, we need to give our kids freedom and let them take risks. We should also be keeping an eye on mental health indicators at this age. Don’t be afraid to seek out therapy for your child or for yourself as you navigate these years.  Find ways to support yourself that include face to face time with other parents who are navigating these challenging years with you.

 

For some further reading about parenting tweens:

This is a sampling of a few of my favorites books for parents grappling with their tweens. All of these books have expert reviews, but I wanted to share reviews from parents who read the books and were moved to respond in their own words.

Michelle Icard’s Middle School Makeover: Improving the Way You and Your Child Experience the Middle School Years  

The humor and real world advice in this book have helped many families navigate these challenging years. Also check out Icard’s social leadership curricula for boys and girls.

 

“Middle school years probably rank second after the birth of your first child in making parents feel the most inept and clumsy. Michelle Icard’s book is an easy to read, fun road map for navigating some of the potholes in life with a middle schooler. Not only do I have a copy, but I gave copies to my child’s MS teachers and principal! The practical tips and humor make this parent feel like I just might survive it all! I’m keeping it on my bedside table because the author’s guidelines about how to talk to your middle schooler are a huge help.  GREAT BOOK. ”

(Amazon review)

 

 

Jessica Lahey’s The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed

This book is compelling and transformative reading for parents with kids of all ages. You’ll want to revisit or get to know this book during the tween years.

“I loved this book so much! It puts into play the same motivation and willpower adults use to get through a difficult task. She gives practical advice on how to teach kids to rebound, so they can gain the confidence and grit to survive failures. On page 206 she states: “Kids learn the most about sticking with a task when it’s hard, whey they are sure they will never figure something out, or when they are suffering the consequences of their own procrastination or botched planning.” In the day and age of helicopter parenting and “a trophy for participation” she promotes the age old advice of “learning from your mistakes.” For anyone with kids or working with children this is a book you must have on your bookshelf!”

(Patricia Wooster on Amazon)

 

Deborah Roffman’s Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person about Sex

You will also want to get your tween a good book or two of their own about puberty and sexuality, but this is one my favorite books on this topic for parents.

“I thought this was about how to have “the talk” with your kids but it turns out this is so much more. This is a parenting book with a reminder that good parenting doesn’t go out the window when sex is involved. At first I was uncomfortable with some of what she was saying — terminology, especially — but, by the end, I was convinced that Deborah Roffman has good ideas and can help parents find a path forward in helping parents prepare kids for — and defend them from — today’s over-sexualized world.. Even if this makes you squeamish, you owe it to your kids to break through and get over it. I loved this book and can’t recommend it highly enough.”

(Amazon review)

I’ll also mention my own book:  Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive and Survive in Their Digital World

“Until I read this book I was of the mindset that the longer I could limit my kids’ entry into the online/digital space, the better. Now I realize how much fear and misunderstanding was behind that philosophy, and I can’t say enough great things about this book. Heitner walks parents gently through the process of becoming “tech-positive”–which doesn’t mean we have to permit and allow it all, but rather that we see the many benefits of technology and stop reacting from a place of fear and control. The book has concrete tips for “mentoring” kids from school-age to teen as they begin to use texting, social media, online gaming, and more, and reassures parents that we don’t have to be an expert at every new app in order to help our kids navigate the social and emotional challenges that these avenues bring up. I’m still a rather tech-cautious parents, but now I’m all in for experiencing technology WITH my kids, instead of trying to shield them from it. Highly recommend for parents of preschoolers through teens.”

(Sarah on Amazon)

 

 

Photo credit: “Tween” by David Mulder is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Changed from original: Added text overlays.

The post 6 Truths About Parenting Tweens in the Digital Age appeared first on Raising Digital Natives.

Your Child’s First Cell Phone: How to Know When They Are Ready… and How to Know When YOU Are Ready

“Is my child ready for a cell phone?” “Am I ready to parent a kid with a phone?” “How can I be prepared for everything that can happen once my child gets his first cell phone?” Getting a phone – or any connected device – for your child is huge turning point. It can be hard to know when the time is right, and most importantly, how to prepare for it.

With a smartphone, your child will have complete access to the Internet and the ability be in contact with almost anyone on the planet – from anywhere. In other words, all this can potentially happen out from under your watchful eye. Mentorship is crucial. Teaching your child to make good decisions and to know when to get help is sets them up for a lifetime of successful digital communication.

Your Kid’s First Cell Phone: Is This Really the Right Time?

If you are feeling pressure from your child, or other parents to buy him/her a phone, remember – this is a big deal and it is still your decision. You might feel particularly intense pressure to buy your child a device around milestones such as birthdays or holidays. Maybe you can simply decide that a cell phone or smartphone isn’t a good holiday or birthday purchase. Decoupling the phone purchase from these milestones takes the pressure off of you, and lets you focus on the transition to greater communication independence separate from all the other planning and social expectation that that come with holidays.

Instead of a date on the calendar, consider independence milestones, ways for your child to demonstrate that she’s ready. Does she make her own lunch? Walk home from school on her own?  Spend a short time home alone? Can he babysit a younger child for short windows of time or take public transit by himself? Is he responsible with his allowance or other money/savings? Is she organized with her homework, or putting away her own clothing? If so, maybe your answer will be, “yes, she is ready.” Maybe you can even set progressive milestones so that your child has to work towards the responsibility and demonstrate readiness.

Another indicator that your child might be ready (or not) for a phone is his social decision making ability. Is your child impulsive? Quick to feel angry or excluded? Good at apologizing if she has made someone feel bad? If your child has not yet had the opportunity to demonstrate some of these life and social skills, you may want to hold off on a personal device.

Give your child a chance to learn, let him practice making plans via text message on a family or shared device, and let him know which skills are most important to demonstrate… before you buy him that phone.

Start with Your Own Fears

It’s important to examine your own feelings and reactions. What exactly are your fears about getting your child a cell phone? Conversely, what are your concerns about not getting your child a cell phone? Are you worried that she will be the only one without one in her social group? That she might be ostracized? That you will be that parent who wouldn’t let her kid get a cell phone? Or is it simply that she won’t be able to communicate with you throughout the day?

Here are a few key issues for you to consider and to address with your child:

Social Issues. Parents worry that their kids will become screen-addicted and withdraw from family contact. Or that they will lose lose face-to-face social skills when they rely on devices for their communication. Or that they will tempted to “overshare” to gain social standing.
Concerning Content. Pornography and other inappropriate content will be more accessible on a smartphone. Can my child resist the pull? Beyond that, parents worry that there’s more potential contact with strangers through smartphone apps, chat, and online. Will your child make sound, healthy decisions?
Images. Every smartphone comes with a camera built-in now. Taking and sharing photos is a big responsibility. Is your child ready?
Privacy: And what about the information/data trail that your child is leaving? All posts and interactions build up a “digital footprint.” Does your child understand the larger issues of digital identity?

When you put all these together, it’s easy to see why this is such a source of stress for families.

Getting Ready: phone Training Wheels
Teach them some basic phone etiquette.

Before they get their own phone, make sure they know how to answer a phone, make a call, and leave a message politely. You would do this with a “regular” phone too, and a cell phone is no different.  Model good boundaries for texting, too. Remind kids:  Just because you send a text message doesn’t mean that the recipient is immediately available, or can drop everything to respond!

Develop boundaries, and share them with peers.

Work with your child to set some boundaries on when to text (time of day, not during school, etc.) and then how to let peers know their boundaries. For example, letting friends know, “I don’t group text,” or “I can’t respond to texts after 9 pm.” is helpful. Sharing these boundaries reduces their connectivity anxiety. For more on digital etiquette, see this article.

Start small, and give them some initial guidance.

Texting and social media open up a whole additional set of challenges and competencies. For kids getting phones before the minimum recommended age for many social apps, let them start experimenting with texting and group texting, under some light supervision. Once you see them successfully navigating these waters, then they may be ready to add a social app but that is a decision you want to make with care.

Open the Discussion: Get Curious!

Texting in particular is an important part of kids’ social sphere, and they need to learn the conventions and expectations. In my experience working with kids, they are often eager to have a space to discuss the challenges that texting can bring. Here are some questions to ask your child about texting.

What is fun—and not fun—about group texting?
Have any of your friends ever texted too much or too many times?
What should you do if you text someone and he doesn’t text back right away?
Have any of your friends ever showed your texts to someone else?

Try to be calm and nonreactive, and let your child describe his experiences with communicating with friends. As much as possible, refrain from quick judgement. This is an opportunity to teach them good life skills in general. Owning up to your errors, apologizing sincerely, and re-stablishing the bond with a friend  is the best way to move past many issues. And of course, learning how to avoid such a misstep in the future.

Your own experiences with navigating relationships can be so helpful to your child. Remember that you have wisdom…and try not to panic when things go wrong in your child’s digital world. Some challenges are inevitable and learning to deal with them is part of growing up in the digital age.

Help Me Get Ready For My Child’s First Cell Phone

Because so many parents have asked how to tell if their child is ready for a smartphone, or how to plan for the early weeks and months of a kid with a new smartphone, I am teaching an online class this summer for families who are getting their child a phone this year, or are in the first year with a phone and want to decrease conflicts and improve family communication about the phone.

Want to know more about this course?

(Click the link below to sign up for updates about the course.)

Tell me more!

This course will cover:

Assessing your family’s current digital situation
Planning and organizing your physical space at home to maximize positive outcomes
Common digital citizenship challenges for new smartphone users
What social skills kids need to be successful with their phones and more.
Planning for boundaries around when your child will have access to the device

If you have read Screenwise, you’ll find that the course complements the book’s coverage of these issues. The course includes three conference calls with me. Parents in the course can ask questions and share what they are learning during these calls.

Devorah Heitner is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives.

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Photo credit: “Day 181: Serious” by David Mulder is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Changed from original: Added text overlays.

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Screentime Battles: When Kids Refuse to Unplug

Many parents who come to my events are excited about my becoming a tech-positive parent…up to a point. But they are also sick of battling with their kids.

Some of them also feel nostalgic for a time where kids would just “go out and play” rather than being immersed in digital experiences.

Often these differences, set against an idealized version of the past, lead to a negative impression of technology in general. This mindset doesn’t help with screentime battles for two reasons:

Technology offers opportunities to our kids in ways that we couldn’t have possibly imagined when we were their age.
Technology will play a crucial role in our kids’ lives, which means that they need to build a set of skills around it.

Think of all the important touchpoints in your child’s life – learning to drive, getting into college, finding their first job, meeting their future spouse. Many of these milestones will be facilitated by technology.

Hiding from these realities is a disservice to your kids’ future. In my field work with parents, my impression is that they understand that – they just don’t know where to begin. Instead of fighting with technology, try re-focusing on becoming a tech-positive parent, with helping kids build a thoughtful relationship with social media, games, etc.

Identify the Concerns

The starting point is fear. If we can name the actual fears, we can address the real concerns. What is it in particular that worries you?

That your child will be detached, not able to interact in the real world.
That your child will be distracted by digital, and never finish anything.

These are understandable concerns, expressed to me by families everywhere.

Refocusing yourself and your family on some of the positive uses of technology will empower you. It will also help you diminish the some of the risks and challenges for your children.

Get Positive About Tech

Positive uses of technology can engage your family with one another, sharing and learning and just plain spending time together. It can help improve their resourcefulness. It can help open up new avenues for learning. It can even help kids better understand how to manage social interactions with peers.

This won’t happen on its own, though. Our kids need us more than ever. This is why we owe it to them to be honest about our concerns get to work mentoring them. As a parent and mentor, it’s up to you to set the tone and create the right environment for your kids – in the offline and online world. One of the best ways that you can do that is to start from the assumption that our children want to do the right thing, they just don’t always know how.

Kids’ intentions are usually pretty easy to understand—they simply want be entertained, to connect with friends, find like-minded peers, and communicate about their identities and feelings. Technology can add layers of complexity to these natural desires and that’s why they need your guidance.

Teaching Good Tech Habits

You set the tone. Your kids will take cues from you. Let’s prioritize technology’s positive aspects when we do so. Here are some simple things you can do:

Try to create a tech-positive environment in your home. Try to foster tech use in a shared space, so that you can “play what your kids play.” Design planned activities, online and offline.
Create fun, attractive, unplugged spaces as well to show that not everything has to be tech-based. Make it OK to get messy. Cook. Jam on instruments. Go outside even when it isn’t “nice.”
Create clearly-defined boundaries and adhere to them. Again, you are modeling for your kids. If you are easily interruptible by a text message from work during unplugged time with your kid, he will get the message that digital communication trumps face to face interaction.
By the same token, modeling respect for privacy and boundaries in the digital world is crucial. Not everyone handles technology in the same fashion. An easy way to start is to ask permission before sharing or posting something about someone. If the person says no, respect that boundary without judgment.
Recognize that the digital world is more complex – it’s changing all the time, with the rules of etiquette still evolving. Both you and your kids are going to make mistakes – and that’s OK. Get comfortable with that notion. The important thing is to find a positive way to offer your kids some guidance, and teach them how to repair, apologize and move forward.

Applying these principles is can help parents like you and me feel more empowered in the face of technology that pervades our kids’ lives. Of course some concern is warranted – there are real dangers. But we always want to be in a position to steer the discussion, be role models, influence habits, and even inspire ourselves and families we know to use the power of technology to make a positive difference in the world!

How Screenwise Are You?

How confident do you feel about your ability to mentor your kids in their digital world? Let’s have a look. I prepared this self-assessment quiz as a good starting point: How Screenwise Are You?

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