Devorah Heitner's Blog, page 2
April 17, 2023
Smartphone Skills: Teaching Kids How to Add Contacts Carefully
When we think about getting our kid their first phone or giving them a tablet or laptop, parents often think about what apps we’ll allow, which social media platforms are age-appropriate, and staying aware of what they’re doing online. All great things to be mindful of as you raise kids in the digital age! A commonly overlooked topic, however, is the contacts or connections your child can access from their phone or tablet.
Before your young communicator jumps in and wants to connect with everyone they possibly can, first, it is important to consider their “universe” of connections. The younger they are, the more hands-on you’ll want to be about mentoring your kid about these choices.
When you first hand a new device to your child, brainstorm together about some age-appropriate boundaries for contacts.
Here are some age-appropriate examples from families I’ve worked with:
Elementary school – parents know all contacts/ friends/followers.Middle school – Parents probably know many kids your child connects with, but you may not have personally met. This could be a classmate your child talks a lot about, but you haven’t greeted face-to-face. Kids should be comfortable turning down a connection request or disconnecting with someone who’s bothering them, or if the relationship has ended. If they follow celebrities or certain topics, that’s where they can connect with people they don’t know personally, and they should be prudent about those connections. High School – Their universe of contacts is largely their own, but they need to know how to access help if harassment or other tricky issues arise. Depending on your assessment of their judgment, you may want to ask them about unfamiliar contacts.Getting ready for or entering college – you might not be familiar with many of their connections as they’ll be expanding their networks in their interest areas and professional life. Context overlap can become an issue (i.e. when you’re connected to people with whom you might have both personal and professional relationships.)If you give your child the green light to create a social media profile be sure to discuss criteria for who to send and accept contact requests from. For instance, your son may want to only chat with people he knows in real life (IRL), like family and friends. Adults outside of the family are a special case. Maybe the parents of close friends are a yes, but the parents of the kids you babysit for are a no. Your older child probably won’t want to connect with teachers on a social platform, unless it is part of an assignment (ie the class is on Twitter) but a younger child might, so it’s worth reminding kids about what channels are appropriate for connecting with teachers (usually email) and which ones aren’t.
Your Child’s Universe of ContactsOnce your child has started building their world of contacts, keep the conversation going with regard to the content of their friend’s post. Ask your child how specific posts make them feel, what posts they find entertaining or funny, and which ones make them feel uncomfortable or upset. This will also give you some deeper clues into your child’s personality and can offer some opportunities where you can step in and act as a good role model.
Brainstorm with your child how to respond if some of their contacts are unkind on social media or on group texts or private text threads. Keep the dialogue open and ongoing to encourage your child to consider their own behavior and that of others.
As they’re adding contacts, this is also a great time to discuss when they might want to disconnect from some people. Think about your experience, be open and share some examples. Perhaps you unfollowed or disconnected from a friend or colleague because their posts were overly negative or maybe they posted incessantly.
If you can empower your child to build their contact list slowly and deliberately, this can help them to avoid overwhelm later on when they scroll through their contacts and don’t recognize half of them. Make sure your child knows it’s perfectly fine to simply ignore requests from people she doesn’t know or doesn’t want to chat with. If they’re elementary age, give your child permission to blame you for limiting contacts. He can say, “My phone is new and my parents have to review new contacts first.” Or “Once we’ve had a playdate and my dad meets you, we can add you to the Minecraft server.”
First, don’t freak out (sound advice that applies to most parenting moments). Your child may have enthusiastically added numerous contacts because they didn’t want to say no, or having a lengthy list of friends makes them feel good. They may need to adjust the rate of adding new contacts.
Sometimes kids worry about being rude, so they accept everyone. Many kids feel like the number of connections represents having a lot of friends and being cool. Who doesn’t want to have a lot of friends? If all is well, they may not need to edit, but it’s important to consider the emotional energy and time involved in staying in touch with so many people.
Review your child’s list of contacts and figure out who you recognize. Kids often add a lot of connections by default. Discuss having a contact cleanup day and remove people they don’t know or don’t really want to stay in contact with. If your child doesn’t remember who some contacts are, they can remove these too. Also, talk with your kids about how you clean out your contacts and keep them current. When you get a new device or even a new app is a great time to revisit everyone’s list of connections to keep it fresh.
Transitions like graduating from middle school are a great time to go through all of your contacts and make sure you want to keep them. That friend from camp three summers ago that you haven’t spoken to, or the person who posts really gross videos might be worth pruning. If your child really needs a fresh start after a major social transition, you can offer them a new phone number.
Ultimately, our digital devices should serve us, and make it possible to extend and enjoy our friendships and our interests. They shouldn’t make us (or our kids) constantly stressed or feel like we have another job. Much of the way our kids feel when they use phones and tablets has to do with who’s on there with them.
And that’s something that they have some control over!
If you enjoyed this article, you might like these too:
Your Child’s First Cell Phone: How to Know When They Are Ready… and How to Know When YOU Are ReadyForget New Year’s Resolutions— Set intentional tech habits6 Truths About Parenting Tweens in the Digital AgeHas your child been asking you for a phone or have they been using one for a year or so and it’s not going so great? If you’re sick of the fighting with your child and wondering how to help them succeed with a phone without it taking over their lives (or yours) and constantly wondering, what are they doing on there? Phonewise: Bootcamp for Parents can help your family wade into this new territory.
The post Smartphone Skills: Teaching Kids How to Add Contacts Carefully appeared first on Devorah Heitner.
April 12, 2023
Too much Parental Control Won’t Save Kids-The New Social Media Laws in Utah are Dangerous
Utah’s governor, Spencer Cox recently into law a significant measure that gives
parents much greater control over their children’s access to these apps and their posting and messaging features.
As of next year, Utah residents under age 18 will need parental permission to open social media accounts. This bill gives parents access to kid’s entire world–their teen’s messages, posts and responses. It also prevents kids from using social accounts overnight from 10:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m without explicit parental permission.
That would mean a 16-year-old clocking out of her babysitting job, or fast-food restaurant shift at 11 pm couldn’t direct message a friend via a social app without parental permission. If young people are old enough to drive and work at jobs, shouldn’t they be trusted a bit more than that?
This bill gives parents in an abusive home tremendous power over their children’s communication and contacts. It cuts kids off from the very medium where tweens and teens might reach out for help in that terrifying situation where parents might be abusing them.
Even teens with supportive parents might message a friend during a mental health crisis–which could happen after 10:30 pm.While we want kids to sleep, cutting kids off from peer support is dangerous.A blanket law like Utah’s assumes all kids a) have parents and b) are dealing with enlightened, compassionate parents. Not every kid is that lucky.
While most parents do their best, the overreach of this bill is dangerous.
There are kids who have jobs and save for college without their parents knowing because their parents would steal their money and use it for themselves. There are parents who physically or sexually abuse their children. Should these parents be in control of their teen’s social media?
It is hard to trust the state or ALL parents with this kind of power over children and the way in which they communicate.Especially a state that has banned affirming healthcare for transgender kids and teenagers. Indeed, many people are concerned about the law’s implications for young members of the LBTQ community in Utah.
Lucy Ivey, an 18-year-old student at Utah Valley University who is Tik Tok influencer told CNN:
”I think about my LGBTQ friends; some who have had a hard time with their parents because of their sexuality or identity, and they could be losing an important place where they can be themselves, and be seen and heard.”
As internet privacy advocate Evan Greer told Popular Science– “These laws are unconstitutional, but more importantly they are going to put children in danger and strip them of their rights.”
Indeed, what about kids in the foster care system—already in a tough situation? Will the state, acting as their “parent” be able to read all of their posts and messages?
That adds a potential for criminalization and privacy infringement that no kid should have to deal with.
And what about young creators and entrepreneurs? Ivey, quoted above, has been a creator since age 15, and Felicity Whidden, a Lake Forest High school student with a jewelry business both expressed concerns about the impact of this bill on young creators and entrepreneurs.
The concerns behind these new social media lawsYou may have noticed a rising tide of concern about kids’ mental health with many fingers pointed at social media. A recent New Yorker included a column called The Case for Banning Children From Social Media summarizing a groundswell of concerns about kids’ welfare on social media apps.
School districts like Seattle and Bucks County, PA are suing Meta and TikTok to pressure these companies to improve verification practices and respond to bullying complaints. Large education organizations like NSPRA and COSN are pressuring social media companies to be more responsive to schools about impersonation accounts and other safety issues.
To be clear—I agree that social media companies need to do a much better job listening to user experiences and responding to parent and educator concerns about kids’ welfare.Nonetheless, the panic-fueled urge to cut kids off or exert heavy control instead of engaging with and mentoring kids is extreme—and unhelpful.
As danah boyd points out, if we tried to cut older people off from TV—-where they may be getting harmful messages that encourage extreme views or spending “too much time” watching—everyone would clearly recognize that this was over-reach.
As boyd reminds us, there are many reasons that we’re seeing this mounting evidence of mental health crisis among kids.boyd writes “My head swirled thinking about the pandemic, the rise in financial instability and food scarcity in some communities, the rising costs of college, the rise in visible hate speech, anti-trans and anti-abortion legislation, the fear kids have of a mass shooter at school, and a slew of other trends that I hear young people angst about. But apparently, regulators preferred a different interpretation. They looked at this and went: “blame social media!!!”
Instead of truly looking at comprehensive supports for teen mental health, which everyone agrees is a big concern, states like Utah are getting into the social media blame game—essentially saying–if you won’t regulate social apps at a company or federal level, we will at least keep OUR kids safer.
Some public health experts think this precedent is a good one because they are doing something. So many of us feel helpless and frustrated when kids run into horrendous content on TikTok or YouTube. Or get harassed on Instagram or Discord.
Again—yes, we need to do…something. Just not this.
Social media companies do need to be more accountable and investigate and take down harassing accounts, and intensify their efforts on curbing the amplification of harmful content—posts that encourage suicide, eating disorders, or dangerous “challenges” for example.
When parents at my school talks about raising kids in the digital age ask me if they should read their kids’ texts, I ask them whether or not this is a “code red” situation—a life and death situation where you fear your child might be in danger or in an abusive relationship.
I spoke to Dr. Jonathan Singer, social work professor and suicide prevention expert for my forthcoming book, Growing Up in Public.
He told me that parent who looks at their child’s communication should consider doing it if they have evidence that indicates scanning for something specific, like a threat of self-harm, a threat to others, or similar disclosure.
The best way to keep kids safe is to make sure they know they can turn to people they trust when they need to and want to.Not by force or spying.For kids not in crisis, we need to be very cautious about diving into their communications out of curiosity. Teens may represent themselves and their family life to their friends in ways that cause us pain and that might not be great for our relationship— so there has to be a really good reason to go looking. I also remind parents all the monitoring in the world is not enough to keep our kids safe at all times.
Adolescence is an important period of growth in our kids’ lives when they want their private thoughts kept private, and are asserting their boundaries with what they feel comfortable sharing with their parents.
We need to listen to young people who are leading important conversations about mental health. We need to listen to kids who are telling researchers what their experiences on social media are like. We need to mentor kids, at school and at home, about living in a connected world.
Meanwhile, Texas, Arkansas, and other states are looking to follow Utah’s lead. In states where kids under 18 can be tried as adults, in a country where kids aren’t safe at school, and where kids are fighting to have more mental health counselors and schools and fewer police, we need to take a step back from the idea of trying for such intense control over teenagers and support them instead.
One of the best things about social media and the internet is the way it empowers young people to speak out – speaking truth to power.Social media has offered a platform to young activists like Natalie Roberts in Utah, Catlyn Savado in Chicago to the young people from Parkland, Florida who organized “March for our Lives.” We should all be very concerned when states want to strip young people of their voices and agency.
We need to listen to young people, including the kids in Utah, who spoke out at the
legislative hearing to say that it is hard enough to be a teenager without being effectively cut off from the rest of the world by potentially taking away their access to important platforms.
We need to be ready to protect kids from harm–but sometimes the
monster is us.
The post Too much Parental Control Won’t Save Kids-The New Social Media Laws in Utah are Dangerous appeared first on Devorah Heitner.
Too much Parental Control Won’t Save Kids-The New Social Media Laws are Dangerous
Utah’s governor, Spencer Cox recently into law a significant measure that gives
parents much greater control over their children’s access to these apps and their posting and messaging features.
As of next year, Utah residents under age 18 will need parental permission to open social media accounts. This bill gives parents access to kid’s entire world–their teen’s messages, posts and responses. It also prevents kids from using social accounts overnight from 10:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m without explicit parental permission.
That would mean a 16-year-old clocking out of her babysitting job, or fast-food restaurant shift at 11 pm couldn’t direct message a friend via a social app without parental permission. If young people are old enough to drive and work at jobs, shouldn’t they be trusted a bit more than that?
This bill gives parents in an abusive home tremendous power over their children’s communication and contacts. It cuts kids off from the very medium where tweens and teens might reach out for help in that terrifying situation where parents might be abusing them.
Even teens with supportive parents might message a friend during a mental health crisis–which could happen after 10:30 pm.While we want kids to sleep, cutting kids off from peer support is dangerous.A blanket law like Utah’s assumes all kids a) have parents and b) are dealing with enlightened, compassionate parents. Not every kid is that lucky.
While most parents do their best, the overreach of this bill is dangerous.
There are kids who have jobs and save for college without their parents knowing because their parents would steal their money and use it for themselves. There are parents who physically or sexually abuse their children. Should these parents be in control of their teen’s social media?
It is hard to trust the state or ALL parents with this kind of power over children and the way in which they communicate.Especially a state that has banned affirming healthcare for transgender kids and teenagers. Indeed, many people are concerned about the law’s implications for young members of the LBTQ community in Utah.
Lucy Ivey, an 18-year-old student at Utah Valley University who is Tik Tok influencer told CNN:
”I think about my LGBTQ friends; some who have had a hard time with their parents because of their sexuality or identity, and they could be losing an important place where they can be themselves, and be seen and heard.”
As internet privacy advocate Evan Greer told Popular Science– “These laws are unconstitutional, but more importantly they are going to put children in danger and strip them of their rights.”
Indeed, what about kids in the foster care system—already in a tough situation? Will the state, acting as their “parent” be able to read all of their posts and messages?
That adds a potential for criminalization and privacy infringement that no kid should have to deal with.
And what about young creators and entrepreneurs? Ivey, quoted above, has been a creator since age 15, and Felicity Whidden, a Lake Forest High school student with a jewelry business both expressed concerns about the impact of this bill on young creators and entrepreneurs.
The concerns about social media behind these new lawsYou may have noticed a rising tide of concern about kids’ mental health with many fingers pointed at social media. A recent New Yorker included a column called The Case for Banning Children From Social Media summarizing a groundswell of concerns about kids’ welfare on social media apps.
School districts like Seattle and Bucks County, PA are suing Meta and TikTok to pressure these companies to improve verification practices and respond to bullying complaints. Large education organizations like NSPRA and COSN are pressuring social media companies to be more responsive to schools about impersonation accounts and other safety issues.
To be clear—I agree that social media companies need to do a much better job listening to user experiences and responding to parent and educator concerns about kids’ welfare.Nonetheless, the panic-fueled urge to cut kids off or exert heavy control instead of engaging with and mentoring kids is extreme—and unhelpful.
As danah boyd points out, if we tried to cut older people off from TV—-where they may be getting harmful messages that encourage extreme views or spending “too much time” watching—everyone would clearly recognize that this was over-reach.
As boyd reminds us, there are many reasons that we’re seeing this mounting evidence of mental health crisis among kids.boyd writes “My head swirled thinking about the pandemic, the rise in financial instability and food scarcity in some communities, the rising costs of college, the rise in visible hate speech, anti-trans and anti-abortion legislation, the fear kids have of a mass shooter at school, and a slew of other trends that I hear young people angst about. But apparently, regulators preferred a different interpretation. They looked at this and went: “blame social media!!!”
Instead of truly looking at comprehensive supports for teen mental health, which everyone agrees is a big concern, states like Utah are getting into the social media blame game—essentially saying–if you won’t regulate social apps at a company or federal level, we will at least keep OUR kids safer.
Some public health experts think this precedent is a good one because they are doing something. So many of us feel helpless and frustrated when kids run into horrendous content on TikTok or YouTube. Or get harassed on Instagram or Discord.
Again—yes, we need to do…something. Just not this.
Social media companies do need to be more accountable and investigate and take down harassing accounts, and intensify their efforts on curbing the amplification of harmful content—posts that encourage suicide, eating disorders, or dangerous “challenges” for example.
When parents at my school talks about raising kids in the digital age ask me if they should read their kids’ texts, I ask them whether or not this is a “code red” situation—a life and death situation where you fear your child might be in danger or in an abusive relationship.
I spoke to Dr. Jonathan Singer, social work professor and suicide prevention expert for my forthcoming book, Growing Up in Public.
He told me that parent who looks at their child’s communication should consider do-ing it when they are scanning for something specific, like a threat of self-harm, a threat to others, or similar disclosure.
The best way to keep kids safe is to make sure they know they can turn to people they trust when they need to and want to.Not by force or spying.For kids not in crisis, we need to be very cautious about diving into their communications out of curiosity. Teens may represent themselves and their family life to their friends in ways that cause us pain and that might not be great for our relationship— so there has to be a really good reason to go looking. I also remind parents all the monitoring in the world is not enough to keep our kids safe at all times.
Adolescence is an important period of growth in our kids’ lives when they want their private thoughts kept private, and are asserting their boundaries with what they feel comfortable sharing with their parents.
We need to listen to young people who are leading important conversations about mental health. We need to listen to kids who are telling researchers what their experiences on social media are like. We need to mentor kids, at school and at home, about living in a connected world.
Meanwhile, Texas, Arkansas, and other states are looking to follow Utah’s lead. In states where kids under 18 can be tried as adults, in a country where kids aren’t safe at school, and where kids are fighting to have more mental health counselors and schools and fewer police, we need to take a step back from the idea of trying for such intense control over teenagers and support them instead.
One of the best things about social media and the internet is the way it empowers young people to speak out – speaking truth to power.Social media has offered a platform to young activists like Natalie Roberts in Utah, Catlyn Savado in Chicago to the young people from Parkland, Florida who organized “March for our Lives.” We should all be very concerned when states want to strip young people of their voices and agency.
We need to listen to young people, including the kids in Utah, who spoke out at the
legislative hearing to say that it is hard enough to be a teenager without being effectively cut off from the rest of the world by potentially taking away their access to important platforms.
We need to be ready to protect kids from harm–but sometimes the
monster is us.
The post Too much Parental Control Won’t Save Kids-The New Social Media Laws are Dangerous appeared first on Devorah Heitner.
April 3, 2023
Decision Day: Should You Post About Where Your Child Is Going to College?
If you are in a community with lots of college bound kids you may have noticed a few (or a few hundred) shares in your timeline recently about what’s called Decision Day – where seniors were accepted at college and where they plan to attend. In Chicago, where I live, families are also posting about acceptances to high school.
This can get tricky – especially for kids who may not want their parents to post, for young people who won’t be attending their “dream school” and for anyone who is feeling anxious about the future. Especially after a very tough year of pandemic high school.
Admissions season can be hard for parents who have young adults on a different path. Maybe your son or daughter is considering trade school, an apprenticeship, community college or heading into the workforce. Maybe their gap year will be an epic year of service or maybe they are planning to work and save while they figure things out.
If you have a teen looking at credit recovery after a rough year of remote school, know that you are not alone. And so many teens have had their progress upended by a mental health crisis. There are also many families that don’t have tuition money right now who are having to make alternate plans.
Some parents have told me they wish other parents just wouldn’t post about college choices. Young people have told me their parents’ posts make them cringe. Many of the teens I spoke with are very sensitive about bragging and concerned about making friends feel bad. They have been thoughtful about letting friends know one on one, especially if they are applying to the same schools. High school students are also very supportive of friends who don’t get in. We can learn from their example.
I spoke to Julie Jargon about this for the Wall Street Journal. Often, teens have had more social media experience than their parents and use Instagram and other apps in a more nuanced way. Some applicants also seek solace and commiseration in the genre of college rejection TikTok.
Surviving Decision DayHere are a few suggestions about getting through this season:
1) Consent is everything. Most importantly – as with any social media post – but especially in the face of big deal news like Decision Day – get their permission. If they say no, just don’t post.
2) Timing is important. Has your child shared with the folks they want to tell? Don’t steal their thunder.
3) Consider the audience. We are all hungry for good news. I am not suggesting that you hold out on grandparents who are eagerly awaiting updates, but take a moment to consider: Who really needs to know? If it is just family and close friends, can you simply send a text or jump on FaceTime?
4) Don’t share til they are sure. If your teen hasn’t decided, sharing the list of possibilities may create pressure for them, as people may ask them about these different schools. Also, posting each acceptance one by one may be a bit much for your followers.
5) Have empathy for yourself and others! Parents are going through a lot right now, and even in a non-pandemic year, sending teens out into the world is emotionally fraught. Over-posting may not be the best way to deal with anxiety, but… have compassion and feel free to use the “unfollow for 30 days” feature or something along those lines if someone’s posts are making you feel stressed. And have empathy for that person’s teen, who may be cringing (or blissfully ignorant) about parental posting.
6) Unplug and take a break. If you or your child is stressed by the “seniors on Instagram” that some high schools create, or the flurry of sweatshirt-wearing, pennant waving posts….take a break from social media. Go outside! Ride your bike. Find a way to unplug from mid April to mid May at least. See above about unfollowing the folks who are getting to you.
7) Remember life is complicated! Some 17-year-olds may seem to have their future planned out. Of my adult friends, I have one or two who had the correct guess about their adult career path at that age. Many of us are in careers that didn’t exist when we were 17. Your undecided kid who can admit they are not sure what they want to do is being honest with themselves and with you. It will be OK.
But don’t just believe me… here’s a nice article from an 18-year old in Charlotte with some helpful opinions on the topic: How to Survive College Admissions This Week.
The post Decision Day: Should You Post About Where Your Child Is Going to College? appeared first on Devorah Heitner.
March 25, 2023
I’m a college student. Here’s What the TikTok Hearings are Missing
Northwestern University Class of 2025, Majoring in Journalism and Data Science
As a college student, I was born with a front-row seat to the evolution of technology and social media platforms like TikTok. I am old enough to remember the pre-iPhone era of the world, but I am young enough to have attended school surrounded by peers with social media profiles.
I first downloaded TikTok during my junior year of high school, right before the COVID-19 pandemic shut down most of my in-person interactions. Like many others, I turned to TikTok for entertainment and news. It was a great way to pass the time.
Since then, TikTok has turned into my guide for discovering new things, from restaurants to upcoming events to good books or music. I am not obsessed with TikTok, but the app has become a part of “normal” life to me. I remember the world in its pre-TikTok era, but I find it challenging to imagine my day without it.
Having reflected on my past and present use of TikTok, I have started thinking about my future on the app in light of this week’s congressional hearings with TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew and debates on banning the platform.
I wonder, if the app becomes banned in the United States, what will I do with the time I normally spend on the app? Will I begin using the Reels features on Instagram, Snapchat, or Facebook? Will someone else make a similar app the government approves?
In the future, will we ever get over the generational barrier in conversations about platforms like TikTok?Observing the conversations at the congressional hearing and people’s reactions to the questions asked, I noticed a knowledge gap between the older generations questioning CEO Chew and younger audiences watching. I am not taking a political standpoint on this issue here– I am purely referring to the differences in technological experiences between age groups.
I was surprised that in a hearing that could potentially ban one of the largest social media platforms from the country, so much time was spent discussing what feels like technology-common sense. From what I have seen on my TikTok and Instagram feeds, many people my age know how apps need to connect to WiFi or how camera filters temporarily track facial expressions. There appears to be a communal shock that these “technology basics” needed to be clarified.
The generational knowledge imbalance is just one of the many issues preventing a productive discussion in the hearing. But given the complicated nature of politics and my current place as a college student, I feel this is one area of the conversation surrounding TikTok I can contribute to.
As the world continues to evolve and technology advances, there will probably come another day where there is a new social media superpower besides TikTok being discussed at a congressional hearing. Before that day comes, I believe it is important that we teach one another and fill in each other’s knowledge holes when it comes to technology so we can be more prepared for these conversations.
Teaching each other can start by being more open about our technology and social media experiences during casual conversations.
Teaching each other can start by being more open about our technology and social media experiences during casual conversations.For example, I spoke with Devorah this week, and it came up in conversation that I discovered my love for live music after the TikTok algorithm began showing me more concert videos. Devorah asked me why I think the app showed me these videos. While I am no algorithm genius, I explained how the app likely picked up that I spend time watching concert videos and skipping other types of videos.
It was also during this conversation that Devorah explained a parent perspective on algorithms and mental health to me. It felt like a conversation of mutual learning, where we helped each other understand different generations’ takes on social media platforms.
If conversations like these could happen more frequently, perhaps the generational knowledge gap surrounding social media can be closed. These conversations don’t need to be as complex as discussing algorithms. They can start by simply taking a photo and asking, “Hey, have you ever wondered how your phone puts a filter on your face? Let’s Google it.”
Hopefully, as we learn more about the world of technology and social media from each other, we can reach a place where we have more fruitful conversations about social media, both inside and outside of congressional hearings.
Invited Guest Post by Media Intern, Emma Feuer Northwestern University Class of 2025, Majoring in Journalism and Data Science
The post I’m a college student. Here’s What the TikTok Hearings are Missing appeared first on Devorah Heitner.
March 16, 2023
My Kid Wants To Be Famous on YouTube or TikTok
It seems that online video stardom has replaced big-screen fame as a goal for young kids. And unlike making it big in Hollywood, becoming a YouTube star seems more accessible, because the platform is open to anyone. So it’s no surprise that many parents and teachers are telling me their kids and students are asking to create their own YouTube channels or TikTok in the hopes of becoming famous.
Many parents ask me questions about their kids putting themselves out there on YouTube (or TikTok.) While scrolling these mega-platforms brings up one set of questions, posting requires a whole new level of thought.
About your kid now. About your kid in the future as a self-conscious teen. About your child as a young adult looking for a job.
The decision to let your child join any social-media platform is, of course, a personal one and depends on the child’s age, emotional maturity and reasons for wanting to put themselves out there. Before allowing a child to head down that path, here are some questions parents can ask:
What kinds of videos do you want to create?
What are your favorite channels/influencers?
What do you like about them?
Are there any channels you DON’T like?
What don’t you like about them?
Approach the conversation with curiosity and without judgment, and explore accounts with your child to see why they might be interested in creating a YouTube channel or TikTok.
If you decide to allow your child to post on these searchable platforms, or if your teen is doing it already, here are some ways to make the experience safer, and more enjoyable.
Create a planHave the child write a proposal outlining what they want for the channel. It should describe what they’ll offer, the target audience and how often they will post videos. If they are looking at the channel as a business, ask them what kinds of advertising they might consider and whether endorsements are a good idea.
Talk about fameSome kids want to be famous and see TikTok or YouTube as the path to recognition. Kids hear that they can get super famous, and make lots of money, but that’s the exception and not an outcome your child should count on. They might see a kid star performing cool skateboard stunts on their tablet screen and want to be just like them. Talk to your child about the difference between achieving fame in the numerical sense (likes and shares) vs. the satisfaction that comes with making friends smile. You can also help your child recognize that fame might not be a worthy goal for a kid. Maybe your child wants to be known in your community, whether for being great at a particular school subject or in sports or doing community service. But teach them that it can also be satisfying — and a lot less stressful — to do amazing things and be known to only a small number of people.
Pursuing fame in a numerical sense can put unnecessary pressure on kids. For kids who have “gone viral,” the experience definitely changes their lives in ways they can’t take back.
What parents should do instead of worrying that smartphones will ‘destroy’ their kids
The more vulnerable your child is on that front, the more prudent it is to wait, and to help them find other ways to share and express themselves in the meantime, such as performing in a play or even TEDx Youth. Yes, their TEDx will be on YouTube, but it’s a one-time talk that they’ll rehearse and share in a specific context. Maintaining a channel and having to come up with new material is a much more challenging situation for some young people (and even adults who maintain active channels) to deal with.
Older teenagers might want to watch famous YouTuber Daniel Howell’s moving video “Why I Quit YouTube.”
Be clear with your child about what’s okay to post, what should stay private and other aspects of staying safe online and being respectful of both their own privacy and the privacy of others. As with any form of social media, we need to help our kids understand what to share and what not to share online. Some things to be conscious of keeping private include where they go to school or what sports teams they play for; the names of family members, friends, teachers or caretakers; and information about their age and day-to-day whereabouts.
Launch with training wheelsJust as I recommend when giving a child their first phone, offer them “training wheels.” Review all of their videos before they are posted, and discuss the potential risks of what they’re sharing. Consider having all videos listed as private, and only sharing them with your immediate family and close friends. Or create a family account and share it with only a select audience of friends and family members. By starting out with privacy settings and a more limited audience of trusted friends and family, your child can ask for constructive feedback on what’s working well.
Turn off commentsThere are people out there with too much time on their hands, and the trolls who post negative comments on YouTube could make your child feel bad. Your 10-year-old does not need hateful comments on his magic tricks channel. For elementary school-age kids, the feedback you can receive on a public channel isn’t helpful or authentic. Instead, it is often harmful and inappropriate. Encourage your kids to seek in-person, valuable and constructive feedback from friends and family members rather than creating space for people they don’t know to potentially insult them.
For older children, such as sturdy and secure high school students who are talking about politics on their YouTube or TikTok or sharing information about causes they care about, turning on comments may be appropriate. But even then, they’ll need a thick skin to deal with what may happen, and a plan to deal with harassment or inappropriate comments.
If your child is a little (or a lot) famous, whether it’s for a sport, for inventing something or as a young activist, they will need to be insulated from as much public negativity as possible and taught how to deal with the rest. Even under the ideal circumstances of creating a great channel with significant parental guidance, growing up in the public eye is no easy task and may have unintended consequences.
Here’s an article about how to turn off comments on Tik Tok.
Keep the conversation openOnce your child’s TikTok or YouTube channel is up, continue supporting her. Check in regularly to see whether there are any issues or conflicts popping up and how you can help. Just as with your initial conversations, approach these with an open mind so your child knows they can count on you for advice and support.
Video is a fun way for all of us to interact, and encouraging our kids to build and share videos with deliberate intention can be a good learning experience. On the other hand, maintaining a private archive of your child’s piano compositions or superhero movies can be a great way for them to engage creatively, and later, as teens or adults, they may thank you for keeping their creations in the family.
The post My Kid Wants To Be Famous on YouTube or TikTok appeared first on Devorah Heitner.
December 14, 2022
Before you post about your kids on social media, ask these two questions
Posting about our kids is fun–but it can be a landmine. Raising children and teenagers can be hard and isolating. Parents need support and community.
But we need to balance our needs for support and community with kids’ rights to privacy.
When I ask students in my school workshops if their parents have ever posted something cringe-y or too revealing about them, they almost all raise their hands.
It’s not just embarrassing pictures, kids tell me. It can also be details and stories about them…shared intentionally or inadvertently.
Here are a few examples that might make your kids cringe:“Who can refer me to someone for a social skills group? My daughter is struggling to make friends.” posted in a community FB page.
OR
“Where can I find an uncircumcised-friendly pediatrician? ” posted in a parents’ FB group.Both of these posts were from well-meaning parents who need information and are attempting to crowd-source it from people in the know–fellow parents in the community. But both of these posts could lead to a your kid being teased at school.
It would be very easy for a classmate, friend, or frenemy to see happen upon post like this on mom or dad’s phone or laptom. Parents have shared accounts of this kind of thing happening with considerable regret—they just didn’t think about their post being seen by peers.
What’s my why? Considering motivationsHere are some considerations about sharing about our kids on social media. Especially when we are thinking about sharing a mental health or neuropsych or health diagnosis, or other information your child might one day want to keep private.
Your need for support is valid but you don’t want to expose your kids’ life story, especially something they might later find out you shared and feel bad, or something that other kids might tease them about.
Are you posting to show how much you care about your kids?Is it to help other parents?Is it to show our support for another parent struggling with a similar issue?To find a resource to help address a specific concern?There are many reasons for sharing and many ways we share our parenting experiences. Some parents share constantly, while others share only the “milestones.” Some share on vacation and don’t share the “regular moments.” Some share to show the perfect moments, and some share to show how imperfect life can be.
One mom, who works as a life coach told me that she stopped using her daughter’s image in photos posted on her business’s social media page. Her daughter confronted her, saying, “Can you just remove any picture of me off of Instagram? Like now.” So her mother went back and took off several pictures. I can empathize with this mom–and her daughter.
What could be better for my social media posts about parenting than an occasional picture of my kid? But . . . he’s not interested in being part of my personal or professional social media sharing, so I have to respect that.
Social sharing can be like a diary or a curated photo album.It can feel private, which is why some parents share with only a very limited number of people. For many parents, the “audience” might be their peers—other parents—or limited to grandparents and extended family. But sometimes we forget the audience or the scope of our reach. It’s easy to overlook the sharing settings on social media or our phone’s privacy settings.
Our “following” can be invisible, or at least not top of mind. And as the number of people in your following expands, it can be hard to keep in mind the whole audience when you post. Your children’s friends’ parents may be the unintended audience for a post of yours—which, in turn, potentially includes their network of friends as well. They might tease your kid about something you shared that felt innocuous.
Can I find a do this in a way that works for my kid?
OR…Can I find a way to find community in another way?
When photographing, writing, and posting about your kids, always consider the reasons–and if there is an alternative way to do what we want to do….
Often we post about the hard stuff we experience so we can help other parents.
Rather than writing a social post about how your daughter struggled with college applications and took the ACT three times, you could share that story – in person, privately – with your friend whose kid is in a similar situation.
Here are a few more thoughts about posting about the college search, specifically.
Sometimes, we post because we want to celebrate our kid and their awesome achievements, or just general wonderfulness.Of course, you want to share–you love that goofy, wonderful kid! Rather than commemorating your son’s 16th birthday by posting photos of him as an adorable toddler in underpants and an awkward tween, you could just make sure you sing “Happy Birthday!” extra loud during breakfast.
When they get their Black Belt or win the gymnastics meet, it can be tempting to post a video. Check with your kid. If there are a lot of other kids in the video, maybe reconsider–instead of posting a video with a scene from a play where we can’t get permission easily from everyone documented, could you share an anecdote with a story from the play or something your child said about the experience that they have given you the all clear to post. Or, with permission, you could post a picture of just your kid in their costume.
Often, my urge to post is because I want to empathize with others and receive some support for the challenges of parenting –especially after the last few years.This is also 100% valid. Call your sibling! Send a voice note to your best friend about your kid’s most recent shenanigans. Talk to a therapist. Join a support group. You could even join an online parenting community that allows for anonymous posting.
All of these needs are 100% valid and understandable. I want to be seen in all my struggles and victory as a parent too! We can meet these while respecting our kid’s privacy.
What if you do want to share about your kid’s standardized testing struggles and they give you the green light? Or a name change after a young person has come out as transgender that they have ASKED you to post?
“Posted with permission” is a phrase I’ve seen parents of teenagers use.And I certainly feel more comfortable reading the information shared when I see that. Asking permission models great boundaries with our kids–boundaries we want to help them learn.
I still think we should be cautious as it can be hard to predict how our kids may feel about what we shared in the future. If in doubt, don’t share it out.
One thing you can try is to periodically audit your posts to see if there are old ones that maybe you want to take down. If your kids are still too young for social media, imagine they are almost 13 and joining you on an app soon and will be scrolling your posts for the first time. How will they feel? Is there anything you want to take down?
As you comb your posts for the past year for memories to put in the next year’s calendar or on the perfect holiday card, this is a great time to consider if there is anything to take down or keep in the family.
Ultimately, taking these steps will increase your kid’s trust in you and is ultimately a great way to teach your kid respect for privacy, respect, and boundaries.
The post Before you post about your kids on social media, ask these two questions appeared first on Devorah Heitner, PhD.
Before you post about your kids on social media, ask these two questions
Posting about our kids is fun–but it can be a landmine. Raising children and teenagers can be hard and isolating. Parents need support and community.
But we need to balance our needs for support and community with kids’ rights to privacy.
When I ask students in my school workshops if their parents have ever posted something cringe-y or too revealing about them, they almost all raise their hands.
It’s not just embarrassing pictures, kids tell me. It can also be details and stories about them…shared intentionally or inadvertently.
Here are a few examples that might make your kids cringe:“Who can refer me to someone for a social skills group? My daughter is struggling to make friends.” posted in a community FB page.OR
“Where can I find an uncircumcised-friendly pediatrician? ” posted in a parents’ FB group.Both of these posts were from well-meaning parents who need information and are attempting to crowd-source it from people in the know–fellow parents in the community. But both of these posts could lead to a your kid being teased at school.
It would be very easy for a classmate, friend, or frenemy to see happen upon post like this on mom or dad’s phone or laptom. Parents have shared accounts of this kind of thing happening with considerable regret—they just didn’t think about their post being seen by peers.
What’s my why? Considering motivationsHere are some considerations about sharing about our kids on social media. Especially when we are thinking about sharing a mental health or neuropsych or health diagnosis, or other information your child might one day want to keep private.
Your need for support is valid but you don’t want to expose your kids’ life story, especially something they might later find out you shared and feel bad, or something that other kids might tease them about.
Are you posting to show how much you care about your kids?Is it to help other parents?Is it to show our support for another parent struggling with a similar issue?To find a resource to help address a specific concern?There are many reasons for sharing and many ways we share our parenting experiences. Some parents share constantly, while others share only the “milestones.” Some share on vacation and don’t share the “regular moments.” Some share to show the perfect moments, and some share to show how imperfect life can be.
One mom, who works as a life coach told me that she stopped using her daughter’s image in photos posted on her business’s social media page. Her daughter confronted her, saying, “Can you just remove any picture of me off of Instagram? Like now.” So her mother went back and took off several pictures. I can empathize with this mom–and her daughter.
What could be better for my social media posts about parenting than an occasional picture of my kid? But . . . he’s not interested in being part of my personal or professional social media sharing, so I have to respect that.
Social sharing can be like a diary or a curated photo album.It can feel private, which is why some parents share with only a very limited number of people. For many parents, the “audience” might be their peers—other parents—or limited to grandparents and extended family. But sometimes we forget the audience or the scope of our reach. It’s easy to overlook the sharing settings on social media or our phone’s privacy settings.
Our “following” can be invisible, or at least not top of mind. And as the number of people in your following expands, it can be hard to keep in mind the whole audience when you post. Your children’s friends’ parents may be the unintended audience for a post of yours—which, in turn, potentially includes their network of friends as well. They might tease your kid about something you shared that felt innocuous.
Can I find a do this in a way that works for my kid?
OR…Can I find a way to find community in another way?
When photographing, writing, and posting about your kids, always consider the reasons–and if there is an alternative way to do what we want to do….
Often we post about the hard stuff we experience so we can help other parents.
Rather than writing a social post about how your daughter struggled with college applications and took the ACT three times, you could share that story – in person, privately – with your friend whose kid is in a similar situation.
Here are a few more thoughts about posting about the college search, specifically.
Sometimes, we post because we want to celebrate our kid and their awesome achievements, or just general wonderfulness.Of course, you want to share–you love that goofy, wonderful kid! Rather than commemorating your son’s 16th birthday by posting photos of him as an adorable toddler in underpants and an awkward tween, you could just make sure you sing “Happy Birthday!” extra loud during breakfast.
When they get their Black Belt or win the gymnastics meet, it can be tempting to post a video. Check with your kid. If there are a lot of other kids in the video, maybe reconsider–instead of posting a video with a scene from a play where we can’t get permission easily from everyone documented, could you share an anecdote with a story from the play or something your child said about the experience that they have given you the all clear to post. Or, with permission, you could post a picture of just your kid in their costume.
Often, my urge to post is because I want to empathize with others and receive some support for the challenges of parenting –especially after the last few years.This is also 100% valid. Call your sibling! Send a voice note to your best friend about your kid’s most recent shenanigans. Talk to a therapist. Join a support group. You could even join an online parenting community that allows for anonymous posting.
All of these needs are 100% valid and understandable. I want to be seen in all my struggles and victory as a parent too! We can meet these while respecting our kid’s privacy.
What if you do want to share about your kid’s standardized testing struggles and they give you the green light? Or a name change after a young person has come out as transgender that they have ASKED you to post?
“Posted with permission” is a phrase I’ve seen parents of teenagers use.And I certainly feel more comfortable reading the information shared when I see that. Asking permission models great boundaries with our kids–boundaries we want to help them learn.
I still think we should be cautious as it can be hard to predict how our kids may feel about what we shared in the future. If in doubt, don’t share it out.
One thing you can try is to periodically audit your posts to see if there are old ones that maybe you want to take down. If your kids are still too young for social media, imagine they are almost 13 and joining you on an app soon and will be scrolling your posts for the first time. How will they feel? Is there anything you want to take down?
As you comb your posts for the past year for memories to put in the next year’s calendar or on the perfect holiday card, this is a great time to consider if there is anything to take down or keep in the family.
Ultimately, taking these steps will increase your kid’s trust in you and is ultimately a great way to teach your kid respect for privacy, respect, and boundaries.The post Before you post about your kids on social media, ask these two questions appeared first on Devorah Heitner.
October 25, 2022
Don’t let your phone steal your sleep
Is your teen’s phone stealing her sleep? What about you? How is your sleep hygiene?
Doctors and sleep specialists say that our nighttime screen habits can be a culprit in disrupting sleep. The light our screens give off (esp. if we are close to them) may be suppressing melatonin (a hormone responsible for controlling your sleep and wake cycle). Also, checking our texts and social updates and the worst…work email…That’s going to keep your mind active and stresseing.
Sleep is critical to our physical and mental well-being. So turn it off. Unplug. Go on Airplane mode.
As with any tech habit, modeling the behaviors you want to see your kids adopt is crucial.
Are you going to sleep at a time that feels good for you and your body? Do you check your phone right before going to bed? Where do your phones stay at night? If your children climb into your bed for snuggles on a Sunday morning, are they climbing over a web of chargers and wires?
Here are some ideas to help you and your family put sleep first and build a healthy sleep routine:
Where do devices live?If kids say they need phones to wake them up, get them a cheap, simple alarm clocks.The best place for devices to go to sleep overnight is outside of bedrooms. Consider a charging station in the kitchen or your home office.For young adults in dorms, they aren’t going to charge “downstairs” so…Ieast encourage them to set phones on airplane or night mode to ensure no notifications dinging in the middle of the night.Unplug 60-90 minutes before bed, figure out what’s realistic for your family, and consider your kids’ age.Recreational screentime on a device across the room like the TV is better before bed than a handheld device that’s close to your eyes. If you’re watching TV before bed, a fun show will be less stressful than scrolling social media or checking grades!Set an example for your family:Set up regular waking and sleeping schedules.Create a relaxing habit before bed — read or play board games.Set the tone in your home with some soothing music or scents like lavender.Decide device shut-off times for all family members — and remember to model this first!Choose where to keep devices during sleep — in your bedroom on airplane mode if you don’t have a landline? In the kitchen at your charging station?Notice the first thing you do on your device when you get up in the morning:
Do you silence your alarm and then go straight to social media?Do you start checking emails and looking at your calendar?What could you try instead to help you ease into your day? Perhaps it’s an inspiring podcast or uplifting playlistSleep routines will likely change throughout the year. Before vacations, days off school, and weekends, decide how you’ll continue to prioritize sleep — helping you set yourself up for an energizing day — every day.
Want to learn more about teens and sleep? Check out Lisa Lewis’s excellent new book The Sleep Deprived Teen.
The post Don’t let your phone steal your sleep appeared first on Devorah Heitner, PhD.
September 24, 2022
Why are my friends hanging out without me?
I recently worked with a great group of kids who shared their strategies for handling feeling left out.
I like to ask kids what they can do WHEN this happens. Not IF. Because it will happen to everyone, and I want to normalize that for kids who are new to social media. Seeing things that might make you feel bad or left out is the “price of the ticket” on social media…
Here are some ideas the kids shared:
1. Watch some Netflix
2. Eat some ice cream
3. Call some other friends to invite them over
4. Don’t watch! Put away phone.
5.Hang out with parents or siblings.
6. Excercise.
Don’t keep looking. Definitely do NOT text those folks right now to demand to know why they didn’t include you. Take care of yourself!
Back when we were kids and we were left out, we didn’t have social media to remind us. But your resilience and perspective helped you get through those experiences. You can share that wisdom and support with your child now.
When you have teenagers, hanging out with parents might well be a B-plan. In most relationships, that wouldn’t be healthy. I wouldn’t want to be my husband’s B-plan for Saturday night. But when you have a teenager, a movie night with parents could be a fallback. Be casual. Let them pick the movie.
Telling kids a story about a time you felt left out will help create more empathy and trust in your relationship. But I wouldn’t do it right at the moment when they are upset. Let it be about them. If at all possible, see if you can get them to unplug.
Watching peers post more is NOT going to help.
Overall, we want to help kids notice when something on their devices is making them feel bad and make decisions accordingly.
See this and share it as an Instagram post here.
You want to be running your devices, not letting them run you!
The post Why are my friends hanging out without me? appeared first on Devorah Heitner, PhD.
