Steven Colborne's Blog, page 26

Healing Through Counselling — An Approach Based on Personal Experience (summary)

In yesterday’s article I promised to return today to outline an approach to counselling based on my own experience. You will find this detailed below. I did say that bringing philosophy and theology into the counselling environment is something that could be hugely beneficial for people who are struggling, but this is not expressly mentioned in today’s post, which is more about emotional healing. I will perhaps write more about how philosophy and theology could benefit counselling clients in a future post.

I hope that you will read the article below in its entirety and respond with any comments that you feel are relevant. Thank you for your time and God bless you.

A key way in which suffering human beings are able to heal is by learning to freely express whatever is going on in their minds and bodies. An important part of what makes a mature and effective counsellor, therefore, is the ability to allow all of a client’s thoughts and emotions to be expressed without resistance. The expression of these thoughts and feelings is something counselling clients often find to be liberating and healing.

Emotional expression need never involve violence or argument, because even deeply felt anger can be expressed in gentle, non-violent ways within the therapeutic environment. Fear of confrontation is a major cause of suffering, and for someone to learn that they can both heal and move forward in life without encountering physical violence is one of the desired outcomes of the psychological therapy we offer.

There are often times when human beings retreat within themselves emotionally, which can be a defence mechanism when a person is faced with aggression or violence. Putting up an emotional barrier — like a forcefield — is a response which can keep a person safe and deter aggressors. Holding onto these “barrier emotions” should only ever be temporary, but they can become ingrained or “stuck” in a person’s body — sometimes for many years. The counselling process allows such harboured feelings to be expressed and released, restoring the body to its natural state of openness and flow, where awareness is more expansive and where a person will identify primarily with their awareness rather than primarily with their body.

There are often thoughts associated with repressed emotions. Some people hold onto these thoughts and don’t share them because they are frightened that they won’t be met with understanding. This is often because they have lived in an oppressive, perhaps abusive situation for some time, and they have not been able to find the help they need in their immediate relationship network. The process of counselling can provide a safe space for these thoughts and their associated emotions to be expressed and released.

The counselling process, in part, is a process of allowance. Counselling provides a space in which a client with repressed emotion can engage with a counsellor who is emotionally mature and free, and the freedom of the counsellor provides a mirror to the client which allows them to feel safe and able to express their thoughts and feelings and become free themselves.

Having emotions trapped in our bodies can be very uncomfortable and is a major cause of suffering. While it can be a quite natural part of childhood development for a while, as parents employ discipline in order to give their children boundaries and keep them safe, an important part of growing up and becoming a well-equipped adult is learning to understand and express that which was forced upon us and repressed in our bodies during childhood.

Certain repressed emotions can and often do stay in a person’s body for a lifetime. Certain emotional states are often passed on in a family from parent to child, to grandchild, and so on. We can become so attached to a certain emotional mode that we bitterly resist any challenge to it, and this is why the generational transferring of these repressed emotions often takes place, without anyone feeling able or willing to get help.

It is only in the therapeutic environment, where a counsellor is strong enough to provide a challenge (in a sensitive way) to the ingrained emotional states of a client, that their feelings can be expressed and understood, allowing healing and transformation to take place.

It seems to be the case that holding onto repressed emotions does not damage the body[1], though the very experience of holding repressed emotions is inhibiting and a form of suffering. It is quite possible for a client to live with a certain repressed emotion for many years, to the extent that, although they will express frustration about their state of being in certain ways, in other ways they may have learned to live with it. A counsellor can play an important role in showing such clients that they can heal in ways they perhaps hadn’t imagined.

Many people embark upon a spiritual journey in order to find a way to ease the suffering caused by their repressed emotions. Often, the motivation for seeking out spiritual gurus and teachers is the desire to experience peace of mind, though this may not necessarily be immediately obvious to a client. Certainly, the search for self-realisation or enlightenment can be an attempt to escape from complex interpersonal problems and distressing psychological states that a client is experiencing. Through the counselling process, a client’s yearning for ‘awakening’ or ‘enlightenment’ may lessen and eventually disappear, as they find ways to better handle their thoughts and feelings and cope with life’s challenges.

A client may find that after crying to release some emotion they feel a sense of relief and freedom. However, once they leave the therapeutic environment and return to everyday life, they may immediately encounter people and situations which cause them to retreat emotionally and reabsorb the feelings that they had expressed and released in the session with their counsellor. A key part of the role of the counsellor, therefore, is to build emotional resilience in their client. This can be done via the use of grounding exercises and meditation practises, as well as autogenic training and other techniques. It is also essential for sessions to be regular and over a sustained period of time in order for this kind of healing to take place.

There are two primary ways for emotional distress to be healed. The first is what I call “energetic accordance”, which is where some repressed emotion dissipates due to understanding and connection with another individual, or connection with a piece of music or other art, or with God. The second way is through crying, which is another type of connection with either another human being, a piece of creative work, or God. Both energetic accordance and crying can be deeply freeing and healing.

The ultimate aim of counselling is to enable a client to be free from repressed emotions and feel confident and happy about who they are, so that they can move forward with life experiencing as little distress as possible. A client’s happiness can be attained when through the counselling process they learn that it’s okay to express every thought and emotion that they are experiencing freely and in a conversational way.

With their counsellor having been a mirror to the client which allowed them to express and heal, the client then becomes a mirror to the people in their social network allowing their relationships to improve and the healing of others to take place via a knock-on effect. This is beneficial to society in many ways, including the reduction of violence and crime, and less suffering and fewer mental health and relationship problems in the adult population.

There is a state of being, accessible to all of us, where we can feel completely happy with who we are, and able to express the complete range of human emotions with confidence. In this state of being, each person can express their unique personality freely and without inhibition. When this state of being is attained, we can safely say a person is healed.

Life will never be without its challenges, because God employs challenges as part of the role He has given human beings in the grand scheme of things. But we feel it is part of God’s plan for people who have suffered to find healing in a therapeutic setting, and that is the reason why Tealight Counselling has been established.

[1] It could be that there is a link between repressed emotion and diseases like cancer, though more work is needed to ascertain whether this is the case.

It’s important to mention that the approach I have outlined above is not all-encompassing, and other methods that facilitate personal growth and healing would also be a part of the counselling service I hope to set up in the future. The above article is based on personal experience, but the experience of everyone who has benefited from therapy is unique, and everyone is different, so this should be acknowledged, and we should all keep an open mind. Again, please feel free to comment with any thoughts or feedback.

A New Approach to Counselling

Well, there’s nothing new under the sun. But last night I stayed up late thinking about counselling. I have been ‘stuck’ in very challenging accommodation for a few years, and I think it’s time for me to make every effort to move on. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to simply relax at home, and that’s what home should be — a place to feel safe and relaxed. I need to get focused on my path to moving into new accommodation and pursue my ambitions for work that would allow for this.

The reason why I mention counselling is because I was encouraging a friend last night to pursue a career in counselling or psychotherapy. She is feeling her current job is unrewarding and I encouraged her to ask herself the big questions: What’s my purpose in life? What are my talents and true ambitions? How can I contribute to society in a positive way? What are my strengths and weaknesses?

I insisted that my friend would make an excellent counsellor. She is a great listener, very easy to talk to, sensitive and kind, and I think these are qualities that make someone well-suited to embark upon a career as a counsellor or psychotherapist.

Funnily enough, encouraging my friend made me hunger to perhaps pursue a career in counselling myself. I have so much experience of the mental health system, and have attended about eight different types of counselling and psychotherapy over the years, and I do feel that I have some of the skills necessary to be a counsellor, though I would of course need further training.

As I was pondering these things and doing some research into counselling courses in the early hours of the morning, I remembered my plans for Tealight Ministries, which is the name I have for the charity I spent a lot of time planning to set up last year. I was working with someone from a local mental health service to put together a comprehensive strategy for setting up the charity, and it’s something I see as my long-term plan — my life ambition.

My vision is for a charity with four ‘arms’ — a publishing arm, a worship music arm, a counselling arm, and a church arm. The focus of all four of these ministries would be on improving social cohesion among religious communities by progressing interfaith dialogue and interfaith understanding in general. The interfaith approach can apply to all four arms, including counselling. My vision is for a kind of counselling service in which clients are free to discuss life’s big questions, including those related to philosophy, theology, and spirituality.

Of course, the role of a counsellor is not to impose ideas on clients, but by bringing philosophy and theology into the counselling setting, the hope is that people would be able to gain a more solid sense of their own identity because they can figure out their life’s purpose in the grand scheme of things. This is not something which (in my experience) is often discussed in counselling. Traditional forms of counselling do sometimes include the spiritual, so I’m not reinventing the wheel, only looking to perhaps go deeper than would be the case with some other approaches to counselling which are more focused on the interpersonal than the theological and philosophical.

Of course, if someone is not open to the existence of God, that’s fine, and that would not cause a problem for their counselling relationship. Interpersonal issues may be much more pressing for them than spiritual issues. There have been times in my life when I have really needed to talk about the interpersonal rather than the spiritual or theological. But it’s all linked, and a psychotherapeutic approach that does explore the ‘big picture’ of human existence could be very beneficial to a lot of people who are struggling.

At about 3am last night I got out my Tealight Ministries planning document and re-read the section I had written about Tealight Counselling, which is the proposed name for the counselling arm of the charity. As I read through the document, it reignited my passion for the four-armed vision in general, and I re-read a piece I wrote about my own understanding of how healing can take place within a counselling setting. I plan to share this piece here on Perfect Chaos tomorrow (so subscribe if you’re interested in reading it!).

To be clear, I see Tealight Ministries as a charity that will be based in my local community here in London. My role will be as an overseer (perhaps the chair or CEO of the charity), and I will use my experience from the music industry, the publishing industry, my spiritual journey, and my mental health journey, in order to establish the four arms of the charity. And I plan to do this work for the rest of my life.

There is a caveat, which is that when I prayed about it at the start of the year, God said to me that I should focus on promoting my books this year, and focus on the charity next year. So that is what I’m going to do. But there’s no harm in giving these things some thought now. My book promotion has been going really well (much to my surprise) — I’m not making much money from sales but have had many thousands of downloads when I’ve made my books free for a time in their eBook editions. I’m considering making my book God’s Grand Game free as an eBook again, because in that book I share the philosophical perspective which will underpin the Tealight Ministries vision, and which guides my life. I would love for as many people to read that book as possible.

I hope you have enjoyed this insight into my current thought process. I’m excited to share some of these plans with you. If you have any thoughts related to the content of this article, and would like to comment in a polite and friendly manner, you are more than welcome to do so below. Thank you for reading and do subscribe if you’d like to read tomorrow’s article which will outline a therapeutic approach to counselling I have developed based on my own experience.

What has Social Media Become? 💀

Ah, the early days of Facebook! We could connect with our friends in unprecedented ways. It was exciting and a truly wonderful innovation.

Ah, the early days of Twitter! In only 140 characters we could share our nuggets of wisdom with the world, connecting with people from all around the globe around our areas of passion.

Ah, the early days of Instagram! Smartphone technology allowed us to take pictures of all our intimate moments and share them with our friends and make new friends with shared interests.

And now?

Facebook = advertising

Twitter = politics and bickering

Instagram = noise

As an author, I’m always looking for ways to connect with people who might be interested in my labour of love. But I can no longer do this through social media. It’s a word which is currently overused to a ridiculous extent, but in my view social media in general has become ‘toxic’.

Everything changes, everyone is out to make money, and the world is messed up. Technology reflects the very best and the very worst of humanity, and while it used to be a force for good, greed has overtaken social media. Platforms which originally enhanced the human experience are now detrimental to it.

I’ve felt this way for some time, and maybe you have too. Many people have come to depend on social media in so many ways, so I’m sad to see what has happened to these platforms. But I suppose this is capitalism, and this is the broken world in which we live.

Am I right?

Feel free to agree or disagree in the comments below.

Celebrating Various Anniversaries (and life update)

I saw a notification in my WordPress comments feed recently congratulating me on it being my twelfth anniversary since I started this blog. I also turned 40 years old in mid-July. So, a couple of milestones reached! I thought I’d give a personal update to mark these occasions.

I don’t enjoy social situations, but felt a little pressure (maybe societal, maybe self-induced) to do something to celebrate my 40th birthday. So I invited a few friends to a local pizza place for lunch. I felt uncomfortable the whole time, with underlying depression. Maybe these were exclusively my feelings, or maybe I was picking up emotions from others in the group, I’m not entirely sure. But having said all that, my friends were very kind and all put in a lot of effort to try to make me feel loved. Thanks be to God for the people He has purposefully placed in my life.

I’m going through a bit of an ordeal with medication related to my mental health condition. I have been wanting to switch to a mood stabiliser for some time, because I experience episodes of horrendous despair followed my buzzy highs quite often. The highs are wonderful and in a way I wish there were more of them — there seem to be a disproportionate number of lows, unfortunately. But I’m working on switching medication so that may help to some extent.

I ran a free eBook promotion for my book The God Articles about a week ago and the book was downloaded more than 1000 times in one day. I found this really encouraging, although it hasn’t led to as many reviews on Amazon as I was hoping for. Shoutouts to the three readers of this blog who left reviews after I emailed them, you know who you are and I’m very grateful. I’m running a free book promotion for my four-book compilation Puppets on Tuesday and I’m excited about that (again, reviews appreciated if you have read or intend to read it!).

I’ve been trying to spend time out and about in parks and cafes and there’s one cafe not far from where I live which has become a kind of ‘philosopher’s corner’. There are a few regulars there who discuss philosophy and religion together in quite a stimulating way. Once again, we’re talking social situations, so not something I always relish, but I have had some good conversations and respect the guys there very much.

At the beginning of the year the Lord said I should focus on promoting my books this year, so that is what I’ve been trying to do, putting my other ambitions on hold. I have recently finished setting up a Shopify store to allow me to sell my books direct. You can take a look at TealightBooks.com. My books are also still available on Amazon and everywhere else, but I have quite a large stock of books that I’m hoping to sell direct. I’m always open to signing books, dedicating books, writing personal letters to accompany books, so if you’d like to buy something I’ve written and would like a personal touch in one of those ways, check out the Shopify store! I’m also going to include a free CD copy of my album Tell Everyone Now with every book order (it just occurred to me to do this as I type!) so maybe one or two people will dust off a CD player and give it a listen!

I’ve been playing more guitar recently and recorded a video of a little song I wrote which I shared on Facebook this week. It felt good to do that. And by the way, I added a Music page to this blog so anyone who’s interested can check out my historical recordings! I’m only playing acoustic guitar at the moment, but in the past I’ve been in rock bands and also recorded an electro-rock album (that’s Tell Everyone Now) in 2018. You can listen to samples on the aforementioned Music page.

I’ve been really struggling with regret recently. I nearly bought a very small flat about 10 years ago after I inherited some money, and I keep thinking about how different my life would have been if I had gone through with the purchase. When I reflect on what happened, I feel as though I made a dreadful mistake, but I also believe regret is illogical because God is in control of everything that happens and so I have to accept it wasn’t part of His plan.

I gave up smoking completely and have been vaping, which I have been led to believe is almost as dangerous as smoking. So I’m going to try to give that up as well. Smoking and vaping are coping strategies to deal with stress and the states of mind I often experience while living in this accommodation, so please pray for me to be able to cope in healthier ways! My father may be buying me a tennis racket as a 40th birthday present and so that could be a hobby I pick up again after a long hiatus!

A couple of people have recently asked me if there are audiobook versions of my books available. The answer is presently no, but I’m working on it. The cost of producing human-narrated audiobooks is high, and I’m holding off on producing AI-narrated audiobooks until the technology advances some more (though it’s already pretty good). Taking the advice of a fellow writer, I’m going to give it six months.

I’ll end with a reminder that all of my books are currently free as eBooks (visit the Books page for details) but please, if you read one of my books for free and enjoy it, leave a review on Amazon! Reviews are really important to help me reach more people with my writing, so be a darling and help me out, I implore you!

I would also like to invite you to leave a comment on this blog post to make me feel less lonely. You can tell me what you’re doing this weekend, if you like. Tomorrow, I’m hoping to see my best friend from school who will be in London for the day as his wife is selling jewellery at a pop-up market.

God bless you and thank you for reading!

Relationships in our Broken World

The psychologist Alfred Adler spoke about how all healthy relationships are horizontal relationships rather than vertical relationships. Horizontal relationships are equal, but in vertical relationships one person has power over the other. I have been considering this view in respect of my own singleness and my hesitation about entering into a relationship with a woman.

I’m wondering whether it’s ever possible, in our broken world, for a relationship to remain horizontal for a lifetime. It seems to me that it is so often the case that one partner becomes dominant and so the relationship becomes vertical. It can be either the man or the woman who becomes dominant (in heterosexual relationships). But why is this?

I have often thought that a healthy relationship would be one where both parties put the other person first at all times. But in reality, there must always be compromise, because always giving is a kind of selfishness in itself. We want to be generous and always bless others, but if we do so too much, our partner will feel guilty, so we have to receive as well. But can this giving and receiving ever be perfectly equal? I’m doubtful, even if it may seem that way in the early stages of a relationship.

So perhaps a vertical relationship is inevitable, and this is what frightens me, because I neither want to be a bully or be bullied in a relationship. Perhaps this is why the apostle Paul said relationships will always cause trouble.

If it is possible for a couple to enjoy a harmonious life-long relationship, it’s certainly a rare thing in this broken world. All too often relationships fall apart due to conflict. My parents’ marriage fell apart, and my mother passed away shortly afterwards, so this has certainly coloured my thinking. I do believe brokenness in relationships can lead to mental and physical illness.

All of the above considerations are making me feel a life of singleness, devoted to my spiritual calling, is the best course of action. I don’t want to be single, I want an amazing relationship, but I’m doubtful that it’s possible as the world is so broken. Everywhere in the media relationships are presented in unrealistic ways. I think I would only ever get married after a course of relationship counselling with my partner, and I actually think this should be compulsory for all couples.

I get very lonely sometimes but am fortunate to have some great friends, both male and female, who help with this. But I am attracted to women sexually, so it’s a struggle. I have to always remember that physical attraction is only a small aspect of a relationship, and I mustn’t let lust determine the course of my life, which I think is a mistake many people make.

If you’re reading this and you’re stuck in a vertical relationship, please consider counselling, as there is always hope of healing.

What are your thoughts on what I’ve written in this article? Feel free to leave a comment, as kind-spirited comments will be read and approved. Thank you for reading!

Praise and Worship

The Lord is Great and worthy to be praised!

He is abounding in forgiveness and mercy.

God created jinn and mankind only to worship Him!

I long to worship God in a way that pleases Him,

To thank Him for His mercy and His generous promises.

The Lord is One! He says only ‘Be’ and it is!

Infinite possibilities are always open to Him!

God is ageless — how can we comprehend this?

The vastness of God’s wisdom is too much to grasp!

Lord, have mercy on our wretched race!

We are in dire need of Your help and guidance.

Bless the human race, Lord, though we are wretched!

For You are in control of all things.

God has the power to decide.

The days are evil, yet God is in control!

No one can question the Lord of the throne.

May love, forgiveness, compassion, and grace be imparted to us from the God who is above every problem, every ailment, and every dilemma!

Please God, be abundant in Your mercy!

You are greatly to be feared, but You are not evil, You are most gracious.

Praise and glory be to the One True God, from everlasting to everlasting!

Thanks be to God. Amen.

The above piece is dedicated to my friend Shenessay, who has been in hospital for the last six months yet remains resilient and compassionate due to her open-mindedness and faith in God. Shenessay, you are an inspiration! May God bless you always.

Your Two Favourite Songs?

Strictly speaking, Perfect Chaos is a philosophical theology blog. However, I also offer personal reflections and share things that have inspired me. Aside from writing, music is my number one passion, and today I thought it would be fun to get your musical recommendations.

I recently added a music page to the blog to share some of my own musical creations, so do check out that page if you’re interested in the music I’ve made. I’d also like to invite you to share your two favourite songs of all time in the comments below. If it’s too difficult to pick two all-time favourites, just pick two of your current favourites. As well as naming the songs, please give a brief reason why you love them.

Here are two of my current favourites:

‘Names of God’ by Laurel Hubick

This song is just piano and vocals but the lyrics include all the names of God used in the Bible. For example, Jehovah Rapha (the Lord who heals), Adonai (my Master), etc. It’s a wonderful tribute to the greatness of God.

‘Try’ by Pink

From the sacred to the secular, this is a highly motivational song with amazing production. As I suffer from depression most mornings, this song reminds me that I must ‘get up and try’. The theme of the song is getting over broken relationships, but it’s also relatable to depression in general.

I haven’t included links to the songs because people listen to music on a wide variety of streaming services and I thought it would be best to let you find the songs wherever you listen to music.

I hope to read your recommendations in the comments below. Listening to new music is a great joy and it has certainly helped me through some of my hardest times. Don’t feel embarrassed by your recommendations if they are ‘guilty pleasures’, I won’t judge you! The more personal, the better

General Life Update

This article will be something of a ‘mind dump’ — an opportunity to share some of the thoughts and experiences that I’ve been encountering lately. What I write about in this post will relate to housing, morality, faith, and whatever else comes to mind.

My experience of being close to homelessness recently was very stressful indeed. At the worst of times, I was desperate enough to go to A&E as I was feeling suicidal. I spent a short period of time on an assessment psychiatric ward, but during some time in prayer God advised me that I should return to the flat where I have been living for the last eight years. This is the flat where I have been encountering a lot of stress due to interpersonal issues with a neighbour.

I think reading the Qur’an influenced my approach to dealing with this situation. I read the Qur’an in its entirety a few years ago, and it had a profound impact on me. I felt the words were very powerful and was in no doubt that the Qur’an is a divine revelation. I still believe this to be true. However, the Qur’an is a Scripture which contrasts with the New Testament sharply when it comes to dealing with hostility.

In the Qur’an, we are urged to retaliate when we have been wronged, although the Qur’an does mention that patience is virtuous. In the New Testament, Jesus offers a non-aggressive approach to confrontation; that we should not retaliate when we are wronged. The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant is a truly wonderful teaching and has influenced my thought concerning the situation with my neighbour:

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

(Matthew 18:21-35)

The first thing I did when I returned to the flat after a short stay in hospital was to give my neighbour a gift of some food supplies. He has an injured leg and struggles to walk long distances, so I felt this would be appreciated. He was genuinely grateful. Since then, I have been trying to encourage him to give up smoking — I bought him some vape pens. On one occasion, he let me pray for him about his health, but he still has some very deep set anger issues, as well as trust issues.

What I’ve realised is that I continually need to forgive my neighbour when he upsets me, and keep trying to encourage him to be mindful of God and to pray. When he let me pray for him, after the prayer he said to me that he does believe in God. And he has told me in the past that his mother was a Christian and used to go to church every week.

Unfortunately, in recent years my neighbour has channelled his anger into abusive behaviour, towards his cat, and towards his neighbours (including myself). He has suffered from addiction and I get the impression that he doesn’t have many good people in his life, so it’s hard for him to heal emotionally. He channels his anger into playing extremely loud music and doing body building every day — I suppose he feels that he needs to be physically stronger than everyone else in order to not be taken advantage of. In my understanding, the main reason why people bully others is because on a deep level they fear being bullied themselves. I don’t know exactly what has caused my neighbour’s anger, but there are no doubt reasons why he acts in the way he does. He may have been through some very difficult challenges.

A few days ago, I felt upset, because my neighbour promised to give me a couple of things in response to the food supplies and vape pens I had given him. But he didn’t give back what he owed. At first I felt angry about this, and very unsettled, as though he was trying to take advantage of me. However, God brought to my mind the parable quoted above, and the words of Jesus allowed me to heal from that hurt and let go of the anger and resentment I felt. It’s difficult, because I want to avoid a situation where he continually takes advantage of me, but on the other hand I’m feeling I shouldn’t focus on that and should instead forgive his behaviour and try to empathise with his underlying psychological issues and try to help him whenever I can.

As well as the challenging situation with my neighbour, we have a huge renovation going on in the house next door (attached to the flat where I live). It’s been really, really noisy, and that coupled with my neighbour’s extremely loud music has meant I’ve experienced very little peace in the flat. I have tried to keep going out during the day, though this isn’t ideal — the cost of buying food when out is troublingly high these days. Sometimes I take a packed lunch, which helps.

On a different note, I had a change of plan concerning what to do with my books. In a recent post I explained that I was in the process of setting up a store to sell my books direct to readers, alongside making my books available on Amazon and a wide range of other digital retailers. However, the cost of running the store was prohibitive, and while it looked great and I had finished building it, in the end I decided not to go ahead and make the store live. The main reason is the cost, but there’s also the issue of managing an inventory of books which I would have to send out myself. This was troubling me because of the uncertainties surrounding my accommodation. So the Tealight Books store is on hold, and I will continue to sell my books through all other channels, as they all take care of the distribution and I am not involved in the process of fulfilling orders (truly amazing technology!). So this gives me more freedom as well as saving me money.

I have returned God’s Grand Game to free as an eBook at all retailers and all my other books are available to buy. I will only launch the TealightBooks.com store if I’m ever making enough money for it to be worthwhile. Direct sales are great for authors, but there has to be demand, and there is not currently demand for my books to the extent that launching my own store would make sense.

I am back in touch with my father after a difficult few years. Both the Qur’an and the Bible teach the importance of honouring our parents, and I’ve been very mindful of a teaching found in the Qur’an which says we should never say a word to our parents which shows impatience. So when I speak with my dad, I always have this in mind. Father / son relationships are often difficult, but I have a high regard for the teaching of Scripture, so am going to try to exercise patience and respect towards my father at all times.

I remain very sad about the state of the world. May God be merciful to all sentient beings.

A Prayerful Lament

Despair and depression every day,
Longing for breakthrough,
I trust in the mercy of God
Who controls all things.

Is God good?
He surely is, though I live in a fog
That confuses my mind.

Medication helps
Friends are a blessing
Scripture encourages.

Surely, the Lord has not forsaken me,
He knows my heart.
I have sinned — we all have sinned
But God is most forgiving and merciful.

A drop of rain, a ray of sunshine,
The beauty of nature is profound.
There is good in every day
Thanks be to God.

Solitude is a comfort,
But it is no comfort.
Healing is what this broken world needs.

At times I wonder whether my dreams are delusions,
But I also know that all things are possible with God.
God is my only hope — He is the source of my encouragement.

Lord God, let me not doubt myself!
For I surrendered everything to You
With fear I said I will do anything you require of me.

All my hope is in the Lord
Who created the universe
And is the animator of all things.

Without the favour of God, I would be entirely lost.

God says only ‘Be’ and it is,
He has total freedom.

Look kindly upon me, Father,
You know how I struggle to do the right thing.

Thank You, God, for all You are teaching me.
In a sense, You are my higher self,
So why would You forsake me?

No mere mortal can fathom Your plans,
We are Your slaves, though You are most gracious to us.

My Lord, are You happy?
I hope with all my heart that You are happy.
I hope that You work all things out for good
and are benevolent at all times.

Graciously help me, Lord,
Keep me grounded in goodness
and let me be a blessing to those who are lost.

Thank You, God. Amen.

All the details

Thank you to everyone who picked up a copy of my latest book for free over the weekend. The book received over 1000 downloads, which is encouraging. I wanted to take a little time to update you on my plans for my books and where they will be available in the future.

Writing books is, for me, a hobby. While I take every aspect of the book writing, producing, and distributing process very seriously, fierce competition means it’s difficult to ‘break through’ into earning enough money from book sales to transition from hobbyist author to full-time author. Yet this remains an ambition I hope to achieve.

In case you are a new subscriber and aren’t aware, I have written over fifteen books in the philosophical theology genre which discuss matters such as divine sovereignty, free will, morality, justice, and ultimate truth. You can see all of these books on the books page. The remainder of this article will be an overview of where and how you will be able to read my books in the future.

My primary platform for book sales has been Amazon (no surprise there). All of my books are available on Amazon as eBooks, and all have a paperback version available on that platform. My longer books also have hardcover editions on Amazon.

I plan to continue selling my books on Amazon. In terms of eBooks, I distribute not only to the Kindle stores worldwide, but also to Apple Books, Google Play, Rakuten Kobo, Barnes & Noble Nook, and to various other digital retailers and libraries. I am a ‘wide’ author, which means I aim to make my books available via as many different distribution channels as possible.

A change in my sales strategy is that I now plan to also sell physical copies of my books direct to readers through my own store. The store will ship paperback and hardcover copies of my books internationally, but because I am based in the UK, shipping prices to other countries may be higher in some instances than Amazon. However, selling direct as an author means I will be able to make more money from each book sale, as there is no intermediary (such as Amazon) to take a cut of my sales revenue.

To readers based outside of the UK, my present advice is that Amazon is the best place to purchase physical copies of my books, as ordering from my UK-based store would mean high shipping costs. Of course, if you are keen to support my work and can afford to do so, buying direct from my store is certainly an option. You can receive signed copies this way — just drop me a note via email before placing an order to request this. I can even write you a letter to send out with any books you order, if you would like (this is something that obviously can’t be done if you purchase my books from Amazon). There will also be limited edition versions of my books available on my store that can’t be purchased anywhere else.

My online store, which will be hosted at TealightBooks.com (Tealight Books is the name of my publishing imprint) will be launching very soon. I will write a further blog post when the site is live so you can take a look. The prices of my books on TealightBooks.com will match those listed on Amazon.

For all of my books, I have created ‘choice pages’ using the Genius Link website, which are simple pages that display links to all retailers that automatically redirect readers to their country’s store for whichever retailer they choose. Here is an example of a choice page. I will be adding a ‘Buy Direct’ button to these choice pages once TealightBooks.com launches, so those who wish to purchase direct from me can do so easily.

In terms of the prices of my books, I plan to make God’s Grand Game permafree as an eBook, and all of my other books will be sold at full price for the foreseeable future. I may run the occasional BookBub promotion where one of my books is discounted for a short while, but apart from this all my books will be for sale at full-price from now on.

Any thoughts or questions? Feel free to leave a comment below. Thank you for supporting my work!