Steven Colborne's Blog, page 100

Autogenic Training

I recently rediscovered Autogenic Training, which is an effective technique for reducing stress and anxiety and the onset of panic attacks.  It is a simple technique but works really well to restore the balance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches of the autonomic nervous system.  If that sounds complicated, let’s just say it’s very relaxing!

If you feel like giving it a go, follow the instructions below.  Leave a comment and let me know how you got on :-)

Autogenic Training

Each session should last 5 minutes max but can be repeated several times daily. It is important to end each session with the instruction “cancel” accompanied by a simultaneous contraction of arms and legs (unless Autogenic Training is practised before going to sleep). The advice is to develop each of the 6 states in part 1 before attempting the next state.

As you lie quietly with your eyes closed, repeat each of the following steps 5 times in your head, and after the fifth time use the affirmation “I am completely calm”.  After each step move on to the next one and repeat the process.  Work through the 6 steps in order and you should feel gradually more relaxed as the steps progress.

Part I:

My right arm is heavy
My right arm is warm
My heart beats calmly and regularly
My breathing is calm and regular
My abdomen is flowingly warm
My forehead is pleasantly cool

Part II:

Self affirmation – e.g. “Tonight I will sleep deeply and restfully”

CANCEL

‘A Little History of Philosophy’ by Nigel Warburton (book review)

Nigel Warburton has been a lecturer at both the University of Nottingham and the Open University, but in 2013 he decided to resign his position at the Open University and go freelance as a writer and philosophy teacher.  As far as I can gather from his tweets, Warburton is now running introductory philosophy courses in London that are open to the public.  It’s also worth mentioning that Warburton is responsible for a highly successful philosophy podcast, called Philosophy Bites, which features interviews with various contemporary philosophers.

A Little History of Philosophy offers readers a fascinating sweep through the history of philosophy.  The book is written in forty short chapters, with each chapter focusing on a different philosopher that the author feels is key to the history of philosophy.  Unsurprisingly, the book starts with the ancient Greeks, Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, explaining the key ideas, methods, and life events of each philosopher.  The book then moves on to some key Christian thinkers, including Anselm and Augustine, before tackling Enlightenment philosophers, some scientists, and eventually some philosophers from the last century.

It must have been difficult for the author to choose who to leave out of the book.  I was impressed by the choice of philosophers for most of the book, but towards the end there were a few names that I must admit were new to me.  I actually enjoyed the first half of the book more than the second half, and I think the key reason for this is that the philosophers covered towards the end of the book were relatively obscure.

I like Warburton’s writing style.  I firmly believe that the best philosophy is written in a clear, simple, and accessible style, and Warburton’s book achieves this.  I would recommend this book to those who are new to philosophy and looking for an overview of the subject, but also for those who are familiar with the great philosophers but are looking for a refreshing read.  My only real gripe is that I wasn’t included… :-)

A Little History of Philosophy is available in paperback and Kindle versions, and the paperback version is currently £8.99 on Amazon.  Enjoy!

Exploring Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Earlier this week I had a medical review with my psychiatrist and care coordinator.  I was quite nervous about the appointment; this was my first review in almost a year and it felt as though there was an awful lot (too much!) to talk about.

I have been really struggling with my mental health recently.  Although I have no schizophrenic symptoms such as delusions and psychosis, my mood is very low at times and I have been having some suicidal thoughts.  I wake up each morning with severe anxiety and depression, and I struggle with the onset of panic attacks perhaps once or twice a week.

After explaining all of this to my psychiatrist in the review meeting, he was quick to mention Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and he described this as the first and most effective treatment he would recommend for my symptom profile.  I explained that I was sceptical about attempting a talking therapy when my symptoms seemed so physical, but the only other option offered to me was anti-depressants, and I am even more sceptical about those!

I asked to be referred for CBT and was told the waiting list would be around 3 months, which doesn’t seem too bad.  I went to my local library and got out a book called ‘Teach Yourself CBT’ which I hoped would serve as a good introduction to the therapy.

Actually, this isn’t my first experience of CBT.  I attended a 10 week group CBT course run by Oxfordshire Mind a few years ago.  I found that particular course largely unhelpful, but it did serve as a good introduction to the tools and methods of CBT.

As I have been reading the ‘Teach Yourself CBT’ book I have been using some of the methods from the book to challenge my negative thought patterns.  For example, yesterday, when I felt the onset of a panic attack after going for a walk in a busy park, I lay on my bed and began to evaluate why I was feeling panicky, whether it was rational, and whether I should really be feeling more calm.

As I reasoned with myself I did feel the panic symptoms ease somewhat.  This gives me confidence that the methods of CBT may actually help me with some of the difficult emotions I experience on a daily basis.  I am feeling a little more positive now about attending a one-to-one CBT course at my local hospital.  And to have a little hope, at a time like this, is a really good thing.

What is your experience of CBT?

Do you have any advice about CBT?

Morning Anxiety and Depression

Most days I wake up around 8am with a strange and uncomfortable feeling in my body.  It is a mixture of anxiety and depression, and it makes it really difficult to get out of bed.  The feeling is always worse if I have a busy day of appointments ahead, but even when I have a clear day the feeling is still there.  Most days I will lie in bed until after 10am, unable to shake off the feeling and begin the day with any sense of peace or excitement.

I remember this feeling from when I was working for Age Concern Oxfordshire in 2007.  I was taking the antipsychotic Olanzapine which makes you want to sleep for ages, making it particularly difficult to get up in the morning.  I was working a 9-5 job as a busy administrator, and getting to work on time was a nightmare.  I remember that during the walk to work each morning I would normally consider taking a detour to the doctor and getting signed off sick with depression, but I was determined to live a normal life so most days I would just push through and get to work by 9am.

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been working.  The side effects of the Olanzapine were so severe that I was like a zombie for much of each morning.  I felt depressed for the whole day, and working a busy job in those circumstances was just too much.  But I felt a certain pressure from my father, with whom I was living, to keep on working.  He wanted to see me live a normal working life and would have hated to have me mooching around the house all day feeling depressed.  Whereas I really needed time and space to recover, he wanted me to push on through and carry on working.

At the moment I am living in London in a shared house with other people with mental health difficulties.  I honestly don’t feel I can work with the crippling anxiety and depression that I wake up with each morning.  Sometimes I think the feeling is linked to the antipsychotics I am taking (this time it’s Depixol), sometimes I think it’s the result of life circumstances weighing me down, and sometimes I think this feeling is just part of who I am, and always will be.

I am hoping to find some way to stop feeling this morning depression.  I have a medical review coming up on 10th March, and I’m going to talk everything through with my doctor.  I would be prepared to try an anti-depressant if my doctor thinks that will solve the problem.  Otherwise, it might help to try a reduction in the dose of antispychotic I am taking.  Or perhaps I should try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy again.  Something has to change, as I have been feeling suicidal in recent weeks.

I have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, and I have to accept that part of my illness is to experience spells of depression.  This needs to be managed in the best way possible, but having this condition makes it very difficult to live a ‘normal’ life.  I would love to be able to get up feeling a sense of energy and anticipation about the day ahead, but I find that nothing excites me or motivates me in a way that would counteract the anxiety and depression.

Having a couple of really good close friends is a massive help.  Just knowing that I can express my feelings without fear or inhibition is a really big boost, and that’s what gets me through the day most days.  Without my friends I would be truly lost at the moment.

Thanks for reading, and I would love to hear about your experiences of coping with anxiety and depression.  Can these feelings be overcome?  And if so, how?  Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below.

Fighting stigma: Are things really changing?

I recently took part in an anti-stigma photoshoot for The Sun newspaper.  The shoot was in connection with the Time To Change campaign, a major initiative from the mental health charities Mind and Rethink.  The idea is to get people talking openly about mental illness, in the hope that open conversation about the reality of mental illness will help to reduce stigma and discrimination.

Is the Time To Change campaign working?  Founded in 2009, the campaign has now spent five years tackling stigma, but are there any noticeable differences in the real world?

Reports have been published that show the campaign has made a small but significant difference in England.  Attitudes are improving.  In this blog post I want to add my take on the situation to give a perspective ‘from the ground’, as someone living in England who suffers from a mental illness.

My main observation is this:  The Internet and in particular social media are making a real difference to the way mental illness is perceived and discussed.  I’m a big fan of Twitter.  I feel as though it is a great place to connect with people with similar interests.  In particular, it is a great place to connect with other people with mental health problems.  And there is a real community of mental health campaigners on Twitter; people who club together to challenge stigma and offer support and advice.

Thursday 6th February, for instance, was ‘Time To Talk’ day, an initiative launched by Time To Change with the aim of starting a million conversations about mental illness (and thus challenging stigma).  The campaign was really successful, with the hashtag #TimeToTalk becoming the number one trend on Twitter at certain times throughout the day.  This was a fantastic achievement, showing that awareness really is being raised.

Pretty much every mental health related organisation now has a presence on Twitter.  You can follow these organisations and interact with them which gives a real sense that there are like-minded and supportive people out there.  All of this discussion challenges stigma.

Online forums are strengthening mental health communities and challenging stimga.  There are now loads of forums where people can start or join in discussions about their own experiences of stigma and discrimination, or any other mental health related issues.

For instance, the first discussion group I joined was LikeMinds, a Facebook counselling forum set up by a friend of mine at the community interest company Transmission UK.  The group brings together counsellors and psychotherapists with people who experience mental illness.  Anyone with a genuine interest in mental health is welcome.  What a great idea!

More recently I joined another online community called Elefriends.  Run by mental health charity Mind, the site is similar to Facebook (i.e. it is a social network) but everyone on the site has an interest in mental health.  The site is populated mainly by people who have mental health problems, and it’s a very supportive community – a great place to express feelings and get help when you’re struggling.

Social media forums help to challenge stigma by giving people places where they can chat openly and in confidence about their mental health problems.

Television is also helping.  Not long ago Channel 4 staff signed up to a Time To Change pledge to help end mental health discrimination.  This was part of their ‘4 Goes Mad‘ television season, which featured a range of high profile shows and documentaries about mental illness.  The BBC are also helping and ran their own season of mental health programmes called ‘It’s a Mad World‘ last year.  And there are other examples across other networks.  It feels as though the subject of mental illness is getting more positive coverage on television than ever before.

Politicians are also speaking out.  In 2012, for instance, there was an article in the Daily Mail explaining how various high profile politicians had spoken openly about their experience of mental illness for the first time.  These included Labour MP Kevan Jones who has suffered from depression, Conservative MP Charles Walker who has suffered from OCD, and Conservative MP Dr Sarah Wollaston, who has suffered from severe post natal depression.  With high profile and respected figures like these opening up about mental illness, discussions are started and stigma is challenged.

All in all, it seems that discussion about mental illness in the media is picking up speed, and that the quality of that discussion is improving.  The article in The Sun that I was featured in last week shows that even the trashiest tabloids are willing to give positive coverage to mental health issues.

I hope and pray that the media will keep contributing to the discussion and challenging the stigma and discrimination that still surrounds mental illness.  Things are improving, and the Time To Change campaign is working.  People with a mental illness are real people who have a great deal to offer, and that’s the message we want to continue to get across.

Photoshoot for The Sun newspaper

Earlier this week, my publicist Jenna dropped me an email to let me know that The Sun were looking for people with a mental illness to take part in a photoshoot.  The shoot, I was told, would be to accompany a feature in the newspaper’s health section, and would be a positive article aiming to reduce the stigma that surrounds mental illness.  I thought this sounded like a great idea and so I put myself forward.  I was selected to take part (thanks Jenna!) and the following day all of the details were confirmed over the phone and via email.

Being a naturally anxious person, I knew I was taking on a big challenge.  As someone who suffers from stress-related panic attacks, I was dreading meeting everyone and taking part in the photoshoot.  My mood was a mixture of excitement and terror, but mostly terror!

On the morning of the shoot I felt pretty nervous and took some Diazepam to settle me down for the taxi ride to Tower Bridge Studios where the shoot was to take place.  During the journey I managed to eat a banana for breakfast, and the cab driver kept my mind occupied by talking to me about Sikhism and his religious background and beliefs.  This would normally be the kind of conversation I would relish, but I felt the driver and I had little in common, and I stayed mostly silent.  At least listening to the driver talking helped to pass the time.

I needn’t have been so anxious.  Upon arrival I found the correct studio easily and was greeted by Christina from The Sun, the lady who was organising the feature.  She seemed kind and softly spoken, and introduced me to a few other people who were either organising or taking part in the shoot.  Somebody brought me a cup of tea and I began to relax into the atmosphere of the studio.

Within an hour or so, everyone who was to take part in the shoot had arrived.  A mixture of mental illnesses were represented, including Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Eating Disorder, my own Schizoaffective Disorder, and more.  There were six of us taking part, and the others introduced themselves as Charlotte, Beth, James, Nick, and Tasha.  Everyone seemed really friendly!

After we had all been touched up with makeup, had our hair styled, and been dressed in some smart/casual clothing, it was time for the individual shots.  Each of us took our turn in front of the camera with a variety of poses, some happy, some laughing, and some solemn.  The photographer, Stewart, had an expert knack of cracking little jokes in order to help us relax.  I was delighted that my shots seemed to go well, even if I did feel like I was forcing a smile at times.

After a delicious buffet lunch our hair and makeup was touched up again and we were dressed in different outfits.  It was now time for the group shots.  The photographer ushered us all into position (some seated, some standing) and we posed for a variety of shots.  Once again, some of the shots were solemn, some smiling and laughing, and then we were asked to speak to each other so there could be some more ‘conversational’ shots.  It was difficult to know what to talk about with the camera on us, so we lightheartedly decided to list fruits and types of curry – very amusing!

The group shots went well and it was a huge relief to have all the photographs done.  We could get changed back into our regular clothes, scrub off our makeup, and relax!

I was so pleased that the day went smoothly, without any significant hitches.  We all made friends with each other and agreed to link up on Facebook and Twitter.  It really felt as though I had make some new friends.

To end the day I had a call from Christina, who read back the copy about me that would be submitted for the article.  I had actually written most of the copy myself, and there were no unpleasant surprises.  I told Christina that I was happy with the article.

Taxis showed up to take each of us home, and I left the studio on a real high, feeling proud that I had survived the day and accomplished something significant.  Later that night we were all on social media sharing our delight that the day had gone so well.

The article is due to be published this coming Tuesday (4th February) and it is my sincere hope that the article goes some way to help reduce the stigma that surrounds mental illness.  Hopefully, with such an honest bunch of people sharing their stories, we will be able to convey in a positive way that anyone can experience mental illness, and that there should be no place for discrimination.

It would be great if you would buy a copy of The Sun newspaper on Tuesday.  Just by reading the feature you will be doing something significant to help counteract stigma in the UK.  Another date for your diary is this coming Thursday, 6th February, which is Time To Change ‘Talk Day’.  Get yourself on social media and help spread the message that it’s OK to talk about mental health!

If you’d like to connect with the people featured in the photoshoot, you can follow us all on Twitter:

Charlotte: @BipolarBlogger

Tasha: @TashaBenji

Beth: @BethSmyls

James: @jamesldowns

Nick: @nicholasrmcanea

Me: @stevencolborne

Thanks for reading!  Keep fighting the stigma!

All is Transparent and Harmonious to His Eye

Today I stumbled upon a beautiful piece of writing by the 19th Century preacher Octavius Winslow.  Despite not being a Christian myself, I feel a deep affinity with the view of God presented in the poem.  It seems to fit in well with the theme of this blog – the ‘perfect chaos’ of God’s world.

Have a read or a listen (a YouTube video of the piece is embedded below) and let me know what you think in the comments!

 

All is Transparent and Harmonious to His Eye!

(From Octavius Winslow’s, “My Times in God’s Hand”)



We live in a world of mysteries.

They meet our eye, awaken our inquiry,

and baffle our investigation at every step.

Nature is a vast arcade of mysteries.

Science is a mystery.

Truth is a mystery.

Religion is a mystery.

Our existence is a mystery.

The future of our being is a mystery.

And God, who alone can explain all mysteries,

is the greatest mystery of all. How little do

we understand of the inexplicable wonders of a

wonder working God, “whose thoughts are a great

deep,” and “whose ways are past finding out.”

But to God nothing is mysterious.

In His purpose, nothing is unfixed.

In His forethought, nothing is unknown.

In His providence, nothing is contingent.

His glance pierces the future as vividly

as it beholds the past. “He knows the

end from the beginning.”

All His doings are parts of a divine,

eternal, and harmonious plan.

He may make ”darkness his secret place; His

pavilion round about him dark waters, and

thick clouds of the skies,” and to human vision

His dispensations may appear gloomy, discrepant,

and confused. Yet He is “working all things

after the counsel of His own will,” and all is

transparent and harmonious to His eye!

 

Finding deeper meaning in life’s stresses and strains

It seems that stress is a part of life for everyone.  Yet I believe it needn’t be that way.  The universe is sustained and animated by an all-powerful God – the same God who beats our hearts, flows our blood, and causes thoughts to arise in our minds.  The same God that causes us to grow from nothing into babies, into children, then adults.

The God who creates and sustains us is in control of all our worries, and all our stresses.  I am certain that if our God decided it should be so, all our worries could be gone in an instant, and forever.  I often pray to God to take away my stresses and worries and to let me have the enduring peace that I suppose we are thinking of when we say the word ‘heaven’.

But despite my prayers, the stresses and worries still come each day, and it seems certain that there is no enduring peace to be found in this life time for any of us.  It is of course true that the stresses and strains could always be so much worse.  In any given day, there are always lots of things to be thankful for.

I can only imagine what God’s reasons are for causing stress to all human beings, century after century, for thousands of years.  It must please God in some way to make us suffer, otherwise He would simply grant us all the peace that we crave.  He could do that – create a heaven on earth – if He so wished.

I suppose we have to hang on to the hope that God knows best.  God has His reasons for the suffering that we endure.  This is hard to fathom, however, as suffering seems to be so needless.  Why can’t we just have peace now?

In my book Ultimate Truth: God Beyond Religion I speculate two main reasons why God might wish for us to suffer.  Both reasons stem from the idea that God Himself suffers.  Firstly, if God is all that exists (which I believe is the case: everything is an expression of God), then God is completely alone.  God can create anything He chooses, but all of His creations remain a part of the one God.  There is never anything separate from God with which God can interact.  God has no choice but to be alone for all eternity.  There might be a kind of agony in that.

Secondly, life never has an ending for God.  There is no rest from being alive.  God has to stay entertained for all eternity!  Perhaps there is a kind of agony in that as well.  These are two ways in which I suppose God might suffer.

If we imagine a God who suffers terribly, then it is perhaps a little easier to understand our own suffering.  It is possible that we are created to experience different aspects of the divine being.  Perhaps God makes us suffer to give us a taste of what ultimate reality is like for Him.

Maybe, buried deep within the stresses and worries of our daily lives, there is a deeper meaning to our suffering.  If bliss and agony are both experienced by God, then perhaps it is only fair that we get a taste of the real thing; of what living is like for God.  If only God would reveal to us the truth about such matters and end this speculation!  Surely that is not too much to ask?

But it seems that God relishes the mystery and likes to keep us in ignorance during our earthly lives.  God only knows why, and I can only hope that despite all of the stresses and strains, God is ultimately merciful.  I hope and pray that death marks a transition to a more peaceful place for all of us, and that somewhere out there heaven is a reality.

May God grant us Peace!

As I sit alone in my bedroom, I am aware of how quiet this house is at the moment.  It’s a five bedroom property, but three tenants have moved out in recent months and have not yet been replaced.  It is wonderful to be able to enjoy the peace and quiet of a near-empty house, the only distractions being the hum of my mini-fridge and the occasional sirens of police and ambulances in the neighbourhood.

I am especially grateful for the peace today as I am in a thoughtful and reflective mood.  Perhaps it’s the time of year, but in any case I am really appreciating having the opportunity to think things through.  As I sit quietly, thoughts arise about who I am, what I am doing, what I have achieved, and where I am headed.

In a certain moment, I am aware that my life almost seems to make sense.  My spiritual journey, my mental illness, my studies, and my career – all of this seems meaningful and coherent when viewed from a certain perspective.  The two books that I have written in the last two years; these would not have been possible without my own unique passage through life.

I am proud of the books that I have written, even if I don’t always see things in this light.  They offer a truthful perspective of my life’s journey and my beliefs, and they convey all of the most important things about me as a person.  I may only be 31 years old, but I feel as though I have lived a life that is full.

The only problem is – and I have referred to this in recent posts on this blog – I have reached a kind of ‘full stop’.  I have achieved what I have wanted to achieve (mainly with my writing), and despite the fact that I have not achieved commercial success with my books, I find myself satisfied that I have done all I can with this little life of mine.

I would love to reach a wider audience with my writing, but I no longer have the motivation or confidence to keep pushing.  I am a sensitive soul, and I don’t think I could cope well with any negative publicity if I did reach a much wider audience.  Also, I am lacking in the drive to undertake promotional activities such as interviews and in-store promotions.  All of this is too stressful for my fragile mind to cope with!

The one thing that I crave above all else these days is peace.  And peace is a very hard thing to find in this lifetime – it is certainly not won by fame and fortune, of that I am quite sure.

So in 2014 I will be grateful if I have peace in my life.  Peace to enjoy a sunny day in the park, peace to be free from stress, peace to be alone and not lonely.  This is my last great ambition, and whether I find it in life or death I do not mind.

When I pray these days I simply beg for mercy.  Mercy that I might not suffer any more and mercy for all those who suffer so terribly in this world.  May God grant us peace!  Amen.

Help me to decide my future

As you may have noted from my recent post entitled ‘Where next? Some reflections‘, I am currently going through a transition phase in my life and am trying to work out what to do next.  I have had a few ideas and I would really appreciate your input regarding which idea you feel is most suited to my character and has the most potential.

Below I have listed my ideas with a description of each one.  There is a poll at the bottom of the post where you can vote for your favourite idea.  So please vote (and comment!) and help me to decide my future!

1)  Mental Social (www.mentalsocial.net)

The idea is to create an online social network for people with mental health problems.  Members would be able to set up a profile, send direct messages to other users, post in a forum, and read editorial content related to mental health issues in the news.  My job would be to manage the creation of the site and then act as a web editor for the site.  An income could be generated through advertisements on the site, and/or funding from a mental health charity if they like the idea.

2)  Presence Web Services

I would set up a small business helping people to develop a web presence for themselves or their business.  The services that I would offer include website build, blog creation, social media marketing, online PR, online advertising, etc.  My background in online PR and digital marketing might make me well-suited for this role (see my CV here).

3)  Freelance Web Copywriter

I would specialise in writing and editing copy for websites.  I would undertake training with the Society of Editors and Proofreaders in order to brush up on my editing skills.  I would use sites like People Per Hour and Freelancers.net in order to find clients and would charge an hourly rate for my services.

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