Man Martin's Blog, page 210

Perseus January 20, mythology

Perseus
Acrisius, Perseus' grandfather, was told by an oracle that his grandson would one day grow up and kill him.  At the time Acrisius didn't have a grandson, so naturally he made up his mind he wasn't going to get one either.  He locked his daughter Danae in a bronze room with a skylight figuring if no one saw her, no one could get to her.  The skylight was where he miscalculated.  Zeus came down as a shower of gold and impregnated her. 1 Now Acrisius was really in a fix.  His daughter was pregnant with his future murderer, but since it was the son of a god, Acrisius couldn't take the obvious step of just killing both of them.  Instead he put them in a chest which he threw into the sea, figuring when they died it would be Poseidon's fault. 2  Poseidon, evidently, wasn't going to take the rap, so the chest floated safely to Seriphos, where they were rescued by a fisherman who took them in.  Unfortunately Seriphos was ruled by a lustful king named Polydectes who right off spotted Danae as a MILF.  It was hard scoring with Perseus around, so he pretended to have a wedding, and invited everyone on the island, with the understanding that each person would have to bring a gift.  Since Perseus had nothing to give – he was being raised by a fisherman, what could he offer – a mackerel? – Polydectes sent him on a quest to bring the head of Medusa.
1. These days a golden shower is something different entirely.2. This is like blaming a fatal shooting on the bullet.

Bellerophon January 19

Bellerophon Bellerophon never gets the attention he deserves as far as I'm concerned, and I don't know why.  Bellerophon had a flying horse named Pegasus, which had sprung fully grown from Medusa's blood.  Some say Bellerophon himself grew from Medusa's blood, but that's just silly.  He got into a scrape early in his career killing either his brother or else a complete stranger – the myth is vague about this 1 – and he went to King Proteus (no relation to the sea-god) to be cleansed of his sin.   Unfortunately, Proteus' queen took a shine to Bellerophon, and when he rebuffed her, she cried, "Rape."  Bellerophon was completely innocent. 2  In punishment for this, Bellerophon had to go off and fight the Amazons.  They were women but very tough, and no man had ever been able to vanquish them.  But then, no man before Bellerophon had a flying horse, and he dropped rocks on them from the air, which proved very effective.  Next, he had to slay the Chimera, a fire-breathing monster which was part lion, part snake, and part goat. 3  Bellerophon tipped his sword in lead, which melted in Chimera's hot breath, and poured down its throat, suffocating it.  Bellerophon was so full of himself, he decided to go up to Olympus and live with the gods.  Unfortunately Pegasus was stung by a horsefly, and Bellerophon fell all the way to earth and landed in a thorn bush.  He'd beaten Amazons and a dragon, but he never got over the thorns.
1. He was dead anyway, so what did it matter?
2. Keep in mind, this was Bellerphon's version.
3. I swear, sometimes it's like they're just making this stuff up.

Sisyphus January 18

Sisyphus: Sisyphus was the king and founder of Corinth.  Greek mythology is full of great heroes like Hercules and Achilles who get into all sorts of scrapes and constantly throw themselves in harm's way, risking their lives and everyone else's, whereas great rogues like Sisyphus and Odysseus who are pretty much determined to live forever or die trying.   When Hades came to drag him in chains down to the underworld, Sisyphus was all like, "I never saw chains like those before, how do they work?"  Hades obligingly put the chains on himself to demonstrate and so Sisyphus threw the god into a chest and shut the lid. 1  While Hades was in chains no one could die, so a bunch of young men waiting for their inheritance and would-be widows who'd already picked out their next husbands were praying and making sacrifices to Zeus, like "What's up with this nobody-dying thing?"  Angriest of all was Ares the god of war because if you're having a nice battle but nobody gets killed, I mean, what's the point?  So finally Ares shows up in person and frees Hades and sends Sisyphus to the underworld.  But Sisyphus had one more trick up his toga.  His funeral instructions to his wife were to throw his naked body into the street.  So when Sisyphus arrives in the underworld he's naked as the day Zeus made him, and Persephone is all like, "Put some clothes on, you're frightening the children!"  When Sisyphus explains what his wife did to his corpse, Persephone sends him back topside to teach her a lesson, giving Sisyphus one more reprieve.  Finally Sisyphus ran out of tricks and ended up in Hades for good and all.  To punish him for the sin of not just dropping dead and being a good sport about it and of loving life too much, Sisyphus was condemned to roll a rock uphill for eternity.  Each time the rock is nearly at the peak, it rolls back down and Sisyphus must begin again. 2

1. Hades didn't get out much.
2. That's life.

Agamemnon January 17, Mythology

Honey, I'm home!  What's for dinner?Nobody names their kids Agamemnon anymore, and there's probably a good reason.  When the wife of Agamemnon's brother Menelaus ran off with another man, Agamemnon was even more eager to go to war over it than Menelaus himself.  When the winds weren't favorable, Agamemnon sacrificed his daughter Iphigenia to the goddess Artemis.  To get Iphigenia out of the house, Agamemnon told his wife Clytemnestra that Iphigenia was going to marry Achilles.  Unfortunately, Clytemnestra happened to run into Achilles and when she mentioned the wedding, Achilles was like, "Wedding, what wedding?" and she caught wise.  In later versions of the myth, Iphigenia shows up at the sacrifice, and at the last minute Artemis supplies a deer to take her place, but personally I trust the earlier versions.  If Iphigenia had survived the sacrifice, it seems like somebody would have mentioned that right off.  Anyhow, Agamemnon got to the war right on schedule, where he made himself as a fierce and unrelenting fighter – unfortunately, he did most of his fighting with his fellow Greeks, especially Achilles.  Usually these fights were about women one or the other of them had captured and the other one wanted.  First it was Chrysies, then it was Bresies, until finally Agamemnon ended up with Cassandra.  Cassandra went around telling everybody about the future and what was going to happen and everything, so nobody wanted her very much, not even Agamemnon, but she was better than nothing.  When Agamemnon returned to Mycenae, his wife had a couple of big surprises for him.  One surprise was that she'd taken a lover.  The other was that she was going to kill Agamemnon.  Maybe she could have put up with Agamemnon going off to fight a war for nine years, and maybe even bringing home a talky female slave to do the hibbidy-bibbidy with, and maybe even sacrificing their daughter to Artemis – it was doing all three that was hard to swallow.  Anyway, Cassandra avenged Iphigenia's death by murdering Agamemnon, then it was left to Agamemnon's son Orestes to avenge his death, and then… but that's another story.

Jason the Conclusion January 16

In the end, Jason never did amount to much.  He seemed to do fine as long as he was defending helpless old men from harpies or helping old ladies across the stream, but when it came to looking after himself, he was worse than useless.  He finally found a kingdom that wanted him, Corinth, a real plum.  Princess Glauce – or possibly Creusa 1 - fell in love with him and wanted to marry him.  This presented a small difficulty in that Jason was already married to Medea and had a couple of sons.  But Jason went ahead with the wedding, even accepting a beautiful bridal gown from Medea as a gift.  Now this was beyond stupid.  Jason had already witnessed Medea chop her own brother up and toss him into the sea, and knew how she tricked his father into jumping into a pot of boiling water, but he goes ahead and takes a gown from her.  If he'd learned one thing, he should've learned don't cross Medea.  Anyhow, Glauce or Creusa puts on the robe and sure enough it seals itself to her skin and then bursts into flames.  The entire palace is consumed along with all the wedding guests except for Jason; the magic of the robe spares him because Medea has a little surprise waiting for him at home.  When Jason returns, angry as Ricky Ricardo ever was with Lucy, he finds Medea drenched in blood.  She's just killed his two boys and waited all day for him to come home and see.  Satisfied with Jason's reaction, Medea flies off on a chariot pulled by two dragons. 2 Jason lives to an unhappy old age, and finally, sleeping in the shadow of the Argo where he had his best days, he is struck and killed by the collapsing prow. 3
1. Even Jason couldn't keep her name straight.2. She always knew how to make an exit.3. And it served him right.

Jason, Part Six, Arrival in Iolchus Janurary 15

When Jason returned home Medea warned him that his wicked uncle Pelias probably hadn't become any less wicked during Jason's absence and to leave everything to her.  Medea went into the city of Iolchus disguised as a witch. 1  She brought along with her a cauldron and an old ram.  Saying she knew how to make the old young again, she sprinkled magic herbs onto the boiling water and threw in the old ram; instantly out jumped a new lamb.  It didn't take Pelias long to size up the potential of this demonstration; he didn't know about Viagra, but if he had, he'd have said this beat it all to heck.  He said to his daughters, "Go down in the courtyard there and get me some of them magic herbs."  They came back with the herbs and instructions for their use, and once they had a cauldron of water boiling they sprinkled on the herbs and threw in Pelias.  Then they were all like, "I don't know what's cooking, but it smells yummy."  Turns out the herbs Pelias paid for were just rosemary and oregano or something and not magic herbs at all.  So Medea and Jason entered the city in safety BUT when the citizens discovered the trick Medea had pulled on Pelias they didn't want anything to do with her, so after all Jason had gone through, he didn't get to be king after all.
1. It didn't take that much disguising.

Jason Part Five, The Golden Fleece January 14

When Jason arrived in Colchis King Aeetes greeted him and said, "Golden Fleece?  Sure, you can have the Golden Fleece, only you gotta do three itsy-bitsy chores."  Naturally, these chores were doozies.  Luckily, the Princess Medea – and this is the way it always happens –fell in love with Jason and helped him out.  She said "I'll help you get the Golden Fleece, but you gotta marry me."  Jason was all like, "Okey-dokey," but secretly he was thinking if something better came along later, he could always dump her.  (This was a big mistake.)  For Jason's first task, he had to plow a field with fire-breathing bulls.  Trying to plow anything with a bull is a bad idea, especially if it breathes fire. 1  The flames did not harm Jason because of a special salve Medea had given him, so he lived to perform his second task which was sowing a bagful of dragon's teeth.  This does not sound like such a big deal, except if you know anything about dragon's teeth, you know if you throw one on the ground, a soldier is bound to spring up.  So Jason sowed the dragon's teeth, and presto!  Suddenly there's an entire battalion armed and ready to kill them.  But these soldier were really stupid – you heard the expression "born yesterday," well, they were born more recently than that, so, following Medea's advice, Jason threw a stone into the middle of them.  The soldiers turned to face it and hacked each other to pieces.  Next Jason had to overcome the sleepless dragon that guarded the fleece.  Using another potion, Medea put the dragon to sleep. 2 Before they set sail, Medea invited her brother Apsyrtus, "Hey, why don't you come along too."  Medea never invited Apsyrtus anywhere, so naturally he jumped at the chance.  When King Aeetes' ships pursued them, Medea killed Apyrtus and threw his body, one piece at a time, overboard.  Aeetes' ships had to slow down to retrieve the prince's corpse, giving Medea and Jason time to escape.
1. Plowing a field with a fire-farting bull would be even worse, but Aeetes didn't have one of those.2. Which seems sort of anti-climactic.

Jason Part 4 The Clashing Rocks, January 13

"I don't like the looks of this."Before Jason could reach Iolcus and retrieve the Golden Fleece, he had to navigate the Symplegades, "the clashing rocks," two huge rocks on either side of a narrow channel that had a way of mashing together and crushing ships.  Robert Graves and others suggest that since Jason was sailing to what is now the Black Sea Coast of Georgia (The cold one, not the Peach State) these were actually icebergs.  But since this is myth, these are mythological perils and had to be dealt with in a mythological way.  No use telling Jason, "No worries captain, these are ordinary icebergs.  Just wait for the end of the current ice age, and they'll melt right up."  He wouldn't have listened to you.  Instead, he followed the advice of Phineas, the starving king he'd saved from the harpies. 1 He shot an arrow (some say he released a dove, but I think the arrow is cooler) through the rocks.  Sure enough they smashed together barely clipping the feathers on the arrow's tip.  Knowing they could make it now, the crew rowed forward with all their might, and the rocks crashed together, but only slightly damaged the stern-most part of the ship. 2 After that the rocks never moved again, which is the way it works in myths sometimes: after you answer the Sphinx's riddle or get through the clashing rocks, the spell is broken.  Once is all it takes.
1. And what's the point of saving a man from harpies if you're not going to follow his advice?2. Which doesn't quite make sense, because a ship is a lot bigger and slower than an arrow, or come to that, a dove.

Jason Part Three, En Route to Colchis, January 12

The first stop along the way was the Isle of Lemnos, where the women had murdered all their husbands in their sleep and now were desperate for male companionship. 1 Heracles was against consorting with them, but Jason shrewdly pointed out he didn't plan to sleep with any of them.  Jason may have once been told by a woman, "Not if you were the last man on earth," and this was his chance.  I'm not sure what Atalanta did during this episode.  Probably just stayed onboard and sulked.  After a time – or a couple of times, anyway – the men sailed past Lemnos to the island of the Doliones.  2 There, the men went foraging on Bear Mountain where they met a race of six-armed giants. 3 Jason's men managed to defeat the giants, but meanwhile Heracles' little buddy Hylas, who was out gathering wood, drew the attention of some water nymphs who pulled him into a stream. (They only wanted to play with him.)  Heracles was distraught and refused to go any further, and so Jason sailed without him to Salymdesus, where they found King Phineas beset by harpies.  Each time his servants laid a feast before him, harpies would swoop down and gobble it up.  Whatever they couldn't gobble up, they pooped on.  By the time Jason and his men got there, Phineas was so emaciated, he was just about ready to eat harpy poop, but fortunately, among Jason's crew were the winged sons of the North Wind, and they chased the harpies away for good. 4  Phineas begged the Argonauts to stay and enjoy his hospitality, but Jason pointed out that between killing harpies and six-armed giants, and hunting for Hylas, and not sleeping with Lemnians and so forth, they were already between schedule, so they set off once more for towards Colchis and the Golden Fleece.
1. They really should have thought about that before.2. The Mediterranean is lousy with islands, you can't throw a rock without hitting one.3. The name Bear Mountain isn't very helpful is it?  They should have called it Six-Armed-Giant Mountain.4. They came in handy after all.

Jason, Part 2 Assembling the Argonauts, January 11

Q: What's long and hard and full of seamen?
A: The Argo!After getting the go-ahead from Pelias to go fetch the Golden Fleece, Jason began reading resumes to select a crew.  Overall he chose pretty well.  Heracles, the son of Zeus, was a no-brainer in more ways than one.  Ioalcus, Heracles' nephew had to be included, because if Heracles wants to bring along a relative you don't say no.  Ditto for Hylas.  Hylas was Hercules' friend.  His very special friend.  Ahem.  If you catch my drift.  They had to take along Hylas to keep Hercules happy and because on a long voyage you didn't want Heracles trying to strike up a special friendship with you.  Calais and Zetes being sons of the North Wind had wings growing on their shoulders, which probably made bringing them along seem a better idea than it actually was.  The Argonauts were on a boat.  You had to bring along Argus, of course since he was the one who built the boat and it was named after him, but they also brought along Argus the son of Phryxius, who was no relation.  Maybe Jason got confused.  They also had Orpheus who was the world's greatest lyre-player.  A musician, for crying out loud.  If you're heading to the other side of the world and sailing into almost certain death, you don't bring along Li'l Wayne.  Depending on how you count it, there may have been as many as eighty-four Argonauts, which if you ask me is a right smart more Argonauts than you can use.  Of course, some of them probably weren't on the boat and only claiming to be after the fact, like all the people who say they went to Woodstock.  Still.  It sounds like Jason had a hard time saying no.  1 He wanted to reject Atalanta on the grounds she was a woman, but by that time he already had Mopsus, who claimed to talk to birds, and Asclepius who brought along a pet snake, so Atalanta was like, "Hey, you brought these weirdos, you gotta bring me." 2 
1. The word for "no" in Greece is something like "oh-shee," which really isn't that hard to say.2. She had a point.  Atalanta's particular attribute was how fast a runner she was.  This must've come in handy