Man Martin's Blog, page 206

March 1 Presidential Losers: Alton Parker

Alton Parker, 1904
In 1904 Teddy Roosevelt had already been serving as president for three years because anarchist Leon Czolgosz had assassinated McKinley.  Czolgosz's master plan was to stand in a receiving line to shake hands with the president, and when he got to the front of the line, shoot twice at point-blank range.  Having no escape route, Czolgosz was immediately apprehended by witnesses, who beat him so badly, it was feared he would not live to stand trial. 1 Anyway.  The election was a foregone conclusion.  There was very little difference on the issues, so the campaign was all about charisma.  Alton Parker, whom everyone seemed to agree was a swell guy, is the only presidential loser never to have a biography written about him.  Teddy Roosevelt was Teddy Roosevelt.  The southern states went to Alton but the White House went to Teddy.



Result
Teddy Roosevelt: 336Alton Parker: 140
1. That's the problem with anarchists: no organization.

February 29, THE STOOPID CONTEST!


This one's pretty tough, so you'll have to put on your thinking caps; can you name the early Robin Williams film represented by the cartoon below?  Send your guess, along with your name and address, to manmartin@manmartin.net One entry, chosen at random from the correct answers will receive an autographed copy of Paradise Dogs, hand delivered to your hovel or basement apartment by a PAID REPRESENTATIVE OF THE US GOVERNMENT.

A Tornado Hit the Concert Hall


The winner of last month's contest is Clay Mercer of Pinehurst, Georgia.  Clay says when his time comes to die, he wants to go peacefully in his sleep like his grandmother, not terrified and screaming like the passengers in her car.  Clay wins a copy of Endless Corvette.


"... and this one was removed from Angelina Jolie's left buttock."

"STAR WARTS"





February 27, Presidential Loser: William Jennings Bryan

William Jennings Bryan, 1896
Bryan's oratorical gifts easily won him the Democratic nomination over rival Richard, "Silver Dick," Bland. 1 Again, the most pressing issue was whether America should stay on the Gold Standard.  Really.  People got het up about that in those days.  Republican candidate William McKinley was for the Gold Standard, and Democrat Bryan was against it.  What was at stake was how much currency would be in circulation.  Bimetalism meant more currency - ie, easier access to dough - which would benefit farmers.  Sticking to gold meant lower inflation and a sounder dollar which was good for the Big-Money Interests.  In this go-round, the Big Money Interests won out.  Thank goodness.  Bryan had grown up Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian, so he'd swallowed three times  the recommended dosage of religion.  Historians agree Bryan was an upright, deeply moral man of profound ethical convictions, which is the sort of thing that's bound to get you in trouble sooner or later.  He swore he would not allow America to be "crucified on a cross of gold."  As far as I know, we never were, so he ultimately won that go-round even though he didn't win the election. 
Result
William McKinley: 271William Jennings Bryan: 176
1. He got his nickname because of his support for silver coinage, at least I hope that was the reason.

February 26 Presidential Losers: Benjamin Harrison and James Weaver

Benjamin Harrison and James Weaver, 1892 

Benjamin Harrison
James Weaver3
If the antepenultimate 1election of the 19th Century had been about who had the best beard, Grover Cleveland wouldn't have stood a chance.  The two losers Harrison and Weaver could have modeled for the Smith Brothers Cough Drops label.  You wonder how their wives could find them under all that shrubbery.  The big issue in the campaign was monetary policy.  Cleveland wanted to keep us on the gold standard, whereas Harrison (Republican) and Weaver (Populist) both favored bi-metalism: basing the currency on gold and silver.  What a bunch of dummies.  As if any of that mattered.  The American dollar hasn't been based on any metal for decades and just look how good we're doing.  Another novelty in the election was Wyoming, where those wild and wooly ruffians – if you know anything about the people of Wyoming, you don't need me to tell you how cuckoo-crazy they are – actually allowed women to vote.  (New Jersey's original constitution had allowed women to vote, but the right had been rescinded in 1807.) 2  But Wyoming's three electoral votes for Harrison couldn't change the outcome of the election, and Cleveland swept into his second non-consecutive term as president.
Result
Grover Cleveland: 277Benjamin Harrison: 145James Weaver: 22
1. Look it up.2. The men must've outnumbered the women that year.3. Or maybe he's Benjamin Harrison.  I can't tell them apart, can you?

February 25 Presidential Losers: Grover Cleveland

Grover Cleveland, 1888
In 1888, Grover Cleveland was a newlywed, which has nothing to do with the election one way or the other, but is so interesting a situation, I record it here.  The only president ever to have a wedding in the White House, he married Frances Folsom, twenty-seven years his junior, the daughter of his close friend Oscar Folsom.  Folsom died when Frances was 11, and Cleveland had been appointed executor of the estate and overseen her education.  (Don't get creeped out; they didn't start dating then.)  It gets just a little bit weirder still.  Cleveland's presumed first child had been born out of wedlock 1874 to Maria Crofts Halpin, but Cleveland's supporters maintained that he might not have been the father; Ms Halpin was doing the mattress dance with more than one man during this period, but that as the only bachelor, Cleveland had magnanimously assumed responsibility.  The child wasn't named, like, Grover Halpin Cleveland, Jr. or somehting, but Oscar Folsom Cleveland. 1  Did I mention that one of Halpin's other dance partners was Oscar Folsom?
Cleveland's second run at the presidency did not go as well as his first, but it was certainly just as entertaining.  In addition to having fathered a child out of wedlock, Cleveland, it transpired, had avoided military service during the Civil War by paying, George Benninsky, a Polish immigrant, $150  to take his place. 2  It didn't help matters that Cleveland was running against a bona-fide Civil War hero, Benjamin Harrison, who'd commanded a brigade at the Battle of Atlanta.  Maybe it would have looked better if Benninsky had distinguished himself in battle, but he suffered a back injury shortly after enlisting, and spent the war on the sidelines. This wasn't Cleveland's fault that he'd hired a dud.  Certainly Cleveland had already demonstrated sufficient patriotism in the first place by shelling out $150.   Cleveland won the popular vote, but lost the Electoral College by a wide margin, in part thanks to the Tammany Hall Machine that took New York from him.  But Frances Cleveland, at any rate, was unfazed.  As she left the White House, she said, "Now, Jerry, I want you to take good care of all the furniture and ornaments in the house, for I want to find everything just as it is now, when we come back again four years from today."
Result
Benjamin Harrison: 233Grover Cleveland: 1681. It's uncertain what became of this child.  Some maintain that he died of alcoholism, others that he became a lawyer.  So either way, he came to a bad end.2. These days we just join the National Guard.

February 24 Presidential Losers: James Blaine

James Blaine, 1884
Early on it seemed Blaine was the man to beat: the Republican candidate after a quarter century of Republican administrations, former Speaker of the House, former presidential nominee, and known as the "Magnetic Man" for his personal charisma and charm. 1 His other nickname was "the Plumed Knight," which is very flattering but shows Republicans weren't that good at coming up with nicknames.  On top of all this, the Republicans' Christmas wish was granted when it transpired Democratic Candidate Grover Cleveland had fathered an illegitimate child who'd been sent to an orphanage while the mother had gone to an asylum.  Outraged at this calumny, Cleveland hotly denied that the mother had gone to an asylum.  A popular anti-Cleveland rhyme went, "Ma, ma, where's my pa?"  This changed after the election to, "Gone to the White House, ha-ha-ha," when letters surfaced revealing Blaine was on the receiving end big-time of graft from the Union Pacific Railroad and others.  (These were called "The Mulligan Letters," which is a very cool nickname.)  One of the incriminating letters actually ended with the instructions "Burn this letter," which makes you wonder just how big a chump Blaine was.  If a letter confirming you're taking bribes tells you to burn it, you damn well burn it and don't shilly-shally; the words "burn it" should be sufficient to any reasonably cautious person, and you don't need to add, "or else this letter may come to light exactly when it will do you the most damage and you'll lose a national election to a fornicator and go down in disgrace."  Additionally, some unfortunate anti-Catholic remarks by a Protestant Blaine supporter helped throw New York into the Cleveland camp.  That's the way it is with bigotry; you can't go around despising people just because of their religion, but only when it's politically effective.

Result
Grover Cleveland: 219James Blaine: 182

1. Or else for the tendency of nails, paperclips, and iron shavings to cling to his skin.

February 23 Presidential Losers: Winfield Scott Hancock

Winfield Scott Hancock, 1880
An election without notable voting fraud or character assassination. How dull.
The Democrats nominated Winfield Scott Hancock (named for former Presidential Loser, General Winfield "Old Fuss and Feathers" Scott.) This Winfield, although his political ideas seemed somewhat fuzzy, was an authentic war hero, who'd taken a decisive roll in Gettysburg. His nickname was "Hancock the Superb," and even his enemies called him "The Thunder of the Potomac." Republican candidate Garfield must've been cursing his luck to be running against such a matinee idol. Scott did a lot more for the country than shoot Confederates; he was also responsible for shooting Confederate spies – it was he that oversaw the execution of John Wilkes Booth's co-conspirators, including boarding-house operator Mary Surrat. 1 After overseeing Reconstruction in Texas and Louisiana, where he won the gratitude of the population by relatively lenient policies, he was shipped out west to the Department of the Dakota, where he provided a military escort for an expedition of the Yellowstone Region, contributing to the ultimate creation of the park. (This guy just gets better and better, doesn't he?) His relationships with the Indians were higgledy-piggledy; everything would be going along swimmingly for a while, and then some Union soldiers would massacre some Blackfoot or burn a village or some white settlers would steal some land, and the Indians would decide to take offense. In spite of Hancock's impressive resume, a strong economy helped put Garfield in the White House, marking twenty-four years of consecutive Republican administrations, but the margin was thinner than a supermodel's waist: although the electoral vote was decisive, Garfield squeaked by with a popular vote majority of less than 2000 votes.

The Result
James Garfield: 214Winfield Scott Hancock: 155

1. Hancock felt some qualms about shooting a defenseless woman, but it's not as if the men he executed could defend themselves either. Their hands were tied behind their backs.

February 22 Presidential Losers: Samuel Tilden

Samuel Tilden, 1876
The fireworks in the centenial campaign began early with a vigorous debate on the issues and a free exchange of ideas.  Democrats said Rutherford Hayes stole the salaries of dead Union soldiers and had shot his own mother.  Republicans remarked that Tilden was a pathological liar and alcoholic with a case of syphilis.  But the real fun came after the voting.  Tilden won the popular vote, and also had 184 electoral votes to Hayes' 165.  Twenty electoral votes remained contested: the votes from Florida, South Carolina, and Louisiana, and one vote in Oregon.  In spite of the fact that Tilden was a "reform" candidate, it seems both parties were in a race to out-steal the election.  Republicans carped that Democrats had intimidated voters, kept blacks from voting, and tricked illiterate Republicans by giving them Democratic ballots printed with pictures of Abraham Lincoln.  In Florida, Republicans claimed a 922-vote victory, whereas Democrats claimed they'd won by a margin of 94; however, accurate counting was impossible because some of the ballots had been smeared with ink. 1 Congress established a 15-man electoral commission made up of representatives, senators, and Supreme Court justices. There were seven Democrats, seven Republicans, and one independent, Justice David Davis.   A plan by Tilden's nephew to elect Davis to the U.S. Senate and thereby sway his vote backfired when Davis recused himself and was replaced by a Republican.  The result was a compromise in which Rutherford Hayes, affectionately know as Rutherfraud ever after, became president and in return, granted the desire of southerners who felt they'd been quite reconstructed enough, thank you, and could do without the greed, violence, and corruption of a Yankee power structure, having in place a Southern white power structure capable of providing enough greed, violence, and corruption to last a century.
Result
Rutherford Hayes: 185Samuel Tilden: 184
1. Sound familiar?

February 21, Presidential Losers: Horace Greeley

Horace Greeley, 1868
After the narrowly-won election in 1864, Republicans began rolling up their sleeves to battle the Democratic ticket in 1868.   When they saw it was Horace Greeley and Benjamin Gratz Brown, they rolled their sleeves back down again.  "Gratz," as his pals called him, was something of a drinker, and during a campaign picnic, became so inebriated, he attempted to butter a watermelon. 1 A newspaperman and editor, Greeley had published works by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, and dabbled in phrenology and Fourierism – a utopian belief that one day seas would turn to lemonade and the North Pole would be as balmy as the Mediterranean.2  As if these ideas weren't nutty enough, he also thought women should have the right to vote.  Speaking of women's suffrage, ("So suffer!" advised their opponents.) a third candidate, not pictured, was Victoria Woodhull who satisfied all the most paranoid miscegenation nightmares of unreconstructed southerners by selecting former slave Frederick Douglass as her running mate.  Woodhull's candidacy was illegal, however, not because she was a woman, but because she was only 34 years old.  (While the Constitution mandated women couldn't vote, it didn't say they couldn't run.)  Meanwhile, vigilant law-abiding citizens arrested women who tried to vote, and Woodhull herself spent election night in jail for "indecency." 3 Incumbent Grant ran on a solid record of graft, cronyism, and service to special interests; meanwhile, Greeley added to the surrealism of the entire election by dropping dead before the electors from any of the states he did win had cast their votes, so although he lost soundly, he fared better than any posthumous candidate before or since.  Nevertheless, his demise left many questions unanswered, specifically – what was with that beard?  I swear, it seems to be growing out of his collar.
Result
Ulysses S Grant: 286Horace Greeley: 66
1.Unsuccessfully.2. OK, so he was half right.3. Her principles were showing.

February 20, Presidential Losers: Horatio Seymour

Horatio Seymour, 1868
Following the Civil War everyone seemed to be in a grumpy mood; it was like the whole nation woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Ulysses S Grant, who neither sought the nomination nor made any effort to campaign, had nevertheless outlined a detailed post-war policy which ran thus: "Let us have peace." 1 This seemed to make good sense, but Democrats weren't having it.  During the campaign, Republicans stuck to important issues of the election, pointing out that Seymour's father had committed suicide and therefore it was a sure thing Seymour himself was a loony, and you'd better vote for Grant unless you wanted a nut-job picking flowers off the wallpaper in the Oval Office.  (The beard alone is enough to make you doubt his sanity.  What was he thinking?)  In spite of these soundly reasoned arguments, and having several southern states in the hands of Radical Republicans who'd jolly well make sure the votes went for Grant, and the fact that Texas, Mississippi, and Virginia had not been readmitted to the Union, and so couldn't vote at all, the popular vote was alarmingly close as far as Republicans were concerned: 3,013,650 for Grant, and 2,708,744 for Seymour.  What's worse, Seymour won New York, which the Republicans never saw coming.  Had women been allowed to vote, Seymour might well have been president instead of Grant. 2 After this, Republican campaign managers learned their lesson and concentrated less on personal attacks in future elections, sticking to tried-and-true method of voter fraud.
Result
Ulysses S Grant: 214Horatio Seymour: 80
1. Supporters loved pointing out Grant's initials were "US."  They were also "UG."2. In the assault of Cold Harbor alone, casualities were 52,000 Union Soldiers and 37,000 Confederates, meaning a potiental 89,000 widows champing at the bit to vote Democrat.