Man Martin's Blog, page 203

The STOOPID CONTEST: March 31

This is not a test, this is not a drill, this is not an April Fool's Joke: Order my kindle novella, Scoring Bertram Wiggly, on Monday, April 2nd, for a measely 99 cents!

THE STOOPID CONTEST
Identify the Judy Garland movie represented by the cartoon below?  Send your guess, along with your name and address, to manmartin@manmartin.net One entry, chosen at random from the correct answers will receive an autographed copy of Paradise Dogs, hand delivered to your hovel or basement apartment by a PAID REPRESENTATIVE OF THE US GOVERNMENT.
"... five-to-one on Lucky Lady at Belmont, six-to-one on Shoestring at Viaduct 
and ten-to-one on the Giants." 
The previous contest was won by Cara De Celles of Cleveland, Georgia. Cara says she drives a BMW because it's easy to spell.  Cara wins a copy of Paradise Dogs.


What happened when a tornado hit the concert hall:
Whirled Accordian Harp (World According to Garp.)

My Correspondence with Zarina Al-Usman, Part II

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem


Dear Martin,
As-Salaam Alykum warahmathullahi wabarkathuhu
I am very happy in receiving your message, I believe you might have taken your time in reading and understanding my previous mail before replying me; My only concern is to make sure my promise to Allah is accomplished, that is why as a devoted woman in Islam I want to channel this money through you because I have the believe in my mind that you can help bring this project to reality, Insha Allah.
It might surprise you when you received this message but we all know that our ways are not Allah's way, and pray that Allah will help strengthen you to use this money in the places of good importance so that the widows and the vulnerable will benefit from it, don't forget that I am a victim of such circumstance and knows the kind of sufferings and humiliations widows undergo from their late husband's family members.
Please, you should understand that this benevolence is in fulfillment of the desire and decision I have taken which I am persuaded to actualize, this fund is designated for humanitarian and Charity services with special emphasis on widows, which must be disbursed with every appropriation, accountability and prudence to the glory of Allah, Most Merciful and Most gracious.
I have been staying in the hospital all these days and my health conditions is not in good shape, I have believed in Allah for his wish to be done in my situation because He gives and takes life. Presently I neither walk nor stand with my feet, I move on wheel chair, you can emerging when an old woman of my age is suffering from such severe and serious illness.
Doctors have confirmed long time ago after series of diagnosis that I am suffering from Hypoglycemia (chronic cancer). Please help me thank Sister Angela, she is a wonderful person with good heart, she is the person helping in writing this mail because writing is very difficult for me and if am not allowed to use phone because of my condition.
I want you to take this project very serious and always respond very fast so we can conclude the fund transfer process before entering the theater because I have series of surgeries to undergo.
As soon as hear from I will inform my late husband about my decision to appoint you for this task so that he will give you the necessary legal advice and backup required for a successful wire transfer. I will also inform him to prepare an AUTHORIZATION LETTER for you, that is to legally and officially adopt you as my new beneficiary of the fund, the authorization letter will be submitted to the bank so that bank will release the fund to you, So that even if I am no more, your claim background will not have any doubt. I will send you the certificate of deposit of the fund together with the authorization letter as soon as you are ready.
Thanks and may Allah bless us all.
(Message on behalf of)
Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman

Dear Ms Al-Usman,
I am so glad you were still alive enough to respond to my last email.
Actually, it does not surprise me at all that I should have been selected from billions of people to handle your largesse; I am quite certain this sort of thing happens all the time. By the way, and this issue has not quite been settled, exactly how large is the largesse we're talking about here. I'm willing to undertake the handling of any sum from 15 million USD all the way down to 7 million USD but I'd like to know in advance where the exact figure falls so I can map out all the charitable good I can do. (Parenthetically, I will say that I myself am an orphan, and just the other day, my wife made a cryptic remark that if I left the toilet seat up one more time, she expected to become a widow, so I think in all justice, a certain amount of the moolah should end up with yours truly, don't you?)
Certain parts of your transmission appear to have been garbled, but part of this is no doubt due to differences in our religious backgrounds. I personally was raised Episcopalean, so I haven't had many dealings with Allah, but he sounds like a real nice guy and someone I'd like to meet. I'm not sure exactly what expressions like warahmathullahi mean, but I assume it's something like "have a nice day" or "good on you." If that is the case, please accept my "back at you" and "akuna-matada" in return.
Finally, and again I apologize for any indelicacy, but your doctors haven't mentioned any words like "brain tumor" or "schizophrenia" in your diagnosis, have they? The reason I bring this up is that you say you'll be getting in touch with your late husband. This is very disturbing. I cannot even tell you how disturbing this is. If it's all the same to you, I'd rather leave our deceased loved ones out of this entirely and keep things between our lawyers and ourselves. I hope you do not consider this narrow-minded, but that's the way we do things here in the states.
Speaking of diagnoses, exactly which hospital are you at? I ask because I take it you are Islaamic, but the email you typed was with the assistance of Sister Angela. I'm just wondering, because if you're a Muslim in a
Catholic Hospital it's possible, just barely possible, that they're pulling your leg. For example, I'm pretty sure hypoglecemia is not the word for chronic cancer. (I'd keep an eye on Sister Angela, too. Her erratic transcription of your letter may be an attempt at risibility.) I met a kid at Summer Camp named Payton Bridges who was Catholic, and he was a real cut-up, I can tell you. If you're wondering how to tell if your
doctors are just ribbing you, or if you actually have a terminal illness, see if you can catch them giggling in the hallway when you think they're not around. Look for squirt flowers in their labcoats. One of them isn't named Payton or Dr Bridges, is he?
Meanwhile, I look forward to getting the AUTHORIZATION LETTER from your lawyer.
Best wishes,
Man Martin

My Correspondence With Zarina Al-Usman, Part I

I received the following email from a person identifying herself as Zarina Al-Usman.  My reply follows.

Dear Chosen One,

My name is Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman, I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago. I have being lying critically ill at the hospital since January 12th, 2010 when I was recently diagnosed with Hypoglycemia.  I am not in the position to disburse these funds myself as a result of my health. I decided to will it to you so you can help me disburse the funds to some charity organization in your country; am helping you, so you can develop the time to disburse these funds on my behalf. I decided to WILL/donate some huge amount which was left over by my late husband; I know for sure you will be surprised if such things still happens, believe me the doctor says my chance of survival is very low.
Arrangements have been made with my attorney on how these funds should be transferred to your account from my bank. The necessary documents have been signed and ascertained. I am in an Intensive ward where I do not have access to receive calls as a result of my health condition. You are to work with my attorney who will assist in these funds transfer to your account. The State taxes have been paid on the day of deposit with the Bank. I will give you the contacts of my lawyer as soon as I hear from you.
Meanwhile you are advised to keep this mail and its contents confidential as I really want my wish accomplish at the end of the day without any of my relatives knowing about these funds, please do Remember me in your prayers as I give you the assurance that this is legal.
Regards,
Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman


Dear Mrs. Al-Usman,

First let me say how terribly sad I was to hear of your illness. To have cancer for two years and then to be diagnosed with hypoglycemia seems a blow too terrible to be borne. Just when you really need a candy bar, not to be able to have one. Thank goodness that while you're unable to make phone calls, you can still get to the Internet, or I might never have heard from you!
I will certainly be happy to disburse your funds to charity for you. Is it strictly required all the funds go to charity? It is indelicate of me to ask this, but I wondered if I might retain some of the money for my own
use. My wife and I are considering updating our home entertainment center, and if a few thousand could be spared from providing dairy goats to needy families or whatever, it would be greatly appreciated. I assure
you, the pleasure my wife and I would derive from watching NASCAR in high-def 3-D would more than offset any human suffering by some orphan somewhere going without a second helping of goat milk.
Speaking of which, how much money exactly is involved? This is a tricky situation, and again, I don't wish to be indelicate. The fact you can afford all this hospital care and still have spare loot for charity speaks
to a fairly sizable pile of cash, but on the other hand - and again, I don't wish to be insulting - your grasp of ordinary English does not suggest you are an alum of one of the most elite private schools in the country.
Also, two years of medical care may have drained the old savings account pretty severely, what with the cancer and hypoglycemia and all. It might even be possible, please forgive this speculation, but it's something we have to settle up front, that you might be a loony. Did one of your doctors ever use phrases such as "paranoid schizophrenia" "delusional belief systems" or "crazy as a bed bug?"
I am sure these matters are very minor, and can quickly be resolved. In any case, let me know what steps I must take next, and we will proceed.
Hoping you are rich and still not dead,
Man Martin

PS - I see you have addressed me as "Chosen One," which I must admit I find very flattering, but if we're going to work together for your limited remaining time on earth, please don't feel obligated to be so aloof. Feel free to call me just "Chosen," and when we get to know each other a little better, maybe it could be just "Chose" or even "Cho." Certainly there's no need for the formality of Mr. One.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to proceeding on this.

Man Martin

Learning Mandarin

Learning Mandarin
My daughter Catherine is getting married this summer to a wonderful man - Drew Chiang.  We've met Drew's parents a couple of times, and they are wonderful, charming people.  Some of his family who will be at the wedding, however, may not speak much English, so Nancy has been studying Mandarin.  Mandarin, in case you don't know, is a language in which the denotation of the word is largely communicated through tone.  A phrase like, "Happy to meet you," for example, might mean something entirely different if different tones are used, "There are tadpoles in my soup," for example, or "Come meet me at the abattoir."  (In English, of course, tone primarily communicates emotion.  My wife might say my name a number of different ways, and she often has occasion to, but I never wonder whether she's talking about me.)  I will confess that the first time I heard her practicing Mandarin - the iPod would say "Ni hao," - two notes, the second one slightly bent - and Nancy would dutifully repeat, "Ni hao" - I couldn't help laughing.  To an American ear, to my American ear at any rate, Mandarin did not even sound like a language - it lacks the dry cadences of Western Europe, the hard syllables like stepping stones pressed into mud.  Instead there is this lilt that makes lilting Irish seem pedestrian by contrast, and phrases that take sharp unexpected dips and rises into high notes and low, alien fricatives and plosives.  But as I have come to hear it more, I begin to pity English - especially Southeastern US English - for its drab lack of tonality.  In Paris, I remember the charm of visiting shops and hearing clerks and customers chirp across the counter, "D'accord," "D'accord;" it was like a little song they sang to one another.  Well, everything in Mandarin is that way.  In fact, it is as close to birdsong I believe as any language on earth.  Nancy's evening class at Emory is coming to a close, and she's enrolling in a new one in a school her Taiwanese hairdresser found for her in the Chinese Yellow Pages.  Nancy's favorite sentence is "I don't speak Mandarin well," "Wǒ shuō de bù hǎo."  She says it over and over again, "Wǒ shuō de bù hǎo, Wǒ shuō de bù hǎo."" to get the tone right.  It starts off somewhere in the middle of the throat, then falls into an abrupt gully about halfway through, climbing up on the far bank with a fetching rise and half-pirouette - like the vocal acrobatics of a virile mockingbird.  I listen to her practice for a while and the sound I am hearing, I know, is love made auditory - Catherine's love for Drew, Drew's love for his family, Nancy's love for them all.  It's time to feed the chickens.  Spring is here, thank the Lord, and jonquils are blooming.  In the trees the warblers are practicing their Mandarin.

March 27, Presidential Losers: John McCain

John McCain, 2008
An historic election between the first major candidate of color and possibly the whitest man in America.  For years John McCain had been one of the most respected members the Republican party.  He wasn't respected quite so much after the election.  In spite of being a two-term president, Bush the Younger had not left the GOP untarnished; the wars in the Middle East weren't as much fun as they'd started out to be, and McCain's opponent, Barack Obama, had been an early and vociferous opponent of the Iraq invasion.  But McCain supported the "troop surge," which indeed was a strategic success, and his poll numbers rose.  Moreover, McCain had another ace up his sleeve: the strong Republican record of fiscal success.  He pointed out in an interview that "the fundamentals of the economy are strong," and except for the Wall Street crash, the near-collapse of the international banking system, soaring unemployment, and plummeting property values, he was right.  McCain was also criticized for another interview in which he admitted he wasn't sure exactly how many houses he owned, but this was completely unfair.  A presidential candidate has enough to do without going around counting up his houses.  Shrewdly McCain picked as his running mate, Sarah Palin whose impressive resume - two years as governor of Alaska, and before that, mayor of Wasilla - added luster to his campaign.  (Before that, she'd been a city council member; the woman's, like, too good to be true, right?)  Like Yogi Bera, a lot of things Palin said, she didn't really say.  Saturday Night Live put ridiculous words in her mouth like being able to see Russia from Alaska and other nonsense.  Palin did say "obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies," but this was no dumber really than Ford asserting there were no Communists in Eastern Europe nor ever would be during his administration.  Challenged by that hard-hitting interviewer Katie Couric about which magazines she read, Palin responded, ""All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."  (What more do you want, you Palin-nay-sayers?)  Other campaign issues were whether Obama were secretly a Muslim or even a United States citizen.  (He was born in Hawaii, which you have to admit is pretty sketchy.  It's not like being from a real state, like Alaska.)  But none of these pertinent issues was enough to win the presidency for McCain.


Result
Barack Obama: 365John McCain: 173

March 26, Presidential Losers: John Kerry

John Kerry, 2004
Bush won his first go-round by the skin of the Supreme Court's teeth, but his re-election was a solid victory.  New Hampshire, which had gone Republican in '00, went to Kerry (Big Whoop.  New Hampshire.)  But Iowa and New Mexico, previously Democrat, went Republican.  Obviously, Iowans and New Mexicans were impressed by Bush's performance his first term in office.  Nothing enhances a president's popularity like a nice war, and the terrorist attacks on 9/11 - just one year into Bush's presidency - lifted Bush's approval ratings tremendously.  (It is an odd thing about human nature.  Bush had not done anything, but an unprovoked attack on the US made him look better.  If a burglar breaks into a neighbor's house and steals their china, you'll regard the neighbors more kindly than you did before.  I do not know why this is so, but it is.)  We invaded Afghanistan which had been sheltering Bin Laden. And also Iraq which was implicated in the attacks.  Well, they weren't really implicated in the attacks, but they would have been if they'd thought of it.  The real reason was because Sadam Hussein was stock-piling weapons of mass destruction and we had conclusive proof.  Well, actually, there may not have been any weapons.  Coalition troops did find some munitions containing mustard gas and serin gas, but these were pretty corroded and evidently were left over from the first Gulf War.  So the real reason was about Democracy.  That's right.  Hussein was a terrible dictator, and we had to depose him so his people could taste the fruits of liberty.  That's what the war had been about the whole time.  Against this visionary leadership, Kerry never had a chance.  This is because Kerry was a flip-flopper.  Another side issue was Kerry's service in Vietnam and whether or not he'd exaggerated his valor.  He'd definitely gotten three Purple Hearts, but maybe he just got lucky.  Bush on the other hand served proudly with the Texas Air National Guard and it cannot be denied that no foreign power dared attack Texas during that time.

Result
George Bush: 286John Kerry: 251

March 25, Presidential Losers Al Gore

Al Gore, 2000
(Yes, I realize this looks NOTHING like Al Gore.
I don't know about you, but personally,
I'm relieved this particular blog project
is coming to an end.  I hit my high mark in
caricatures somewhere around Grover Cleveland,
and it's been downhill since then.)After Richard Nixon's televised debate against photogenic John Kennedy, conventional wisdom held that thenceforth, all presidential candidates would be on-screen charmers, charismatic and glib. This election proved that untrue.  With George W Bush, who once said, "Let's make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy," you never knew what would come out of his mouth, and that was half the fun.  Unlike Bush, Al Gore probably talked sense, but you couldn't stay awake long enough to know for sure.  After his nomination, in order to counter his reputation as "wooden," Gore put his arms around his wife Tipper and gave her a big old smooch on the lips.  This was about as convincing as Matthew Broderick playing Tarzan.  The real fun, though, came on election night.  Around 7:00 PM, some networks began declaring Gore had carried Florida's electoral votes, then at 10:00 PM, they moved Florida back to the "undecided" column, then around 2:30 they declared Bush the winner.  Then, Bush's lead dwindled to less than 2,000 votes and Gore, who'd already called Bush to concede, un-conceded.  Bush's final lead was somewhere between 300 to 900 votes depending on how many absentee ballots you wanted to count.  But in four heavily Democratic counties there were 70,000 ballots that had been rejected by the voting machines.  A recount began, but Florida statue mandated the count had to be completed by November 14.  The State Supreme Court extended the deadline to November 26.  After Miami Dade County resubmitted its ballots, Bush was still ahead by over 500 votes, but Palm Beach County did not even meet the extended deadline.  Bush was certified the winner of this crucial state, and Gore challenged the result in the Supreme Court.  The Supreme Court ruled that enough is enough and certified Bush the winner.  Some people maintain that Bush won the presidency by a mere five votes - the 7-2 decision by the Supreme Court.


Result
George Bush: 271
Al Gore: 266

March 24, Presidential Losers: Bob Dole and Ross Perot

Bob Dole and Ross Perot, 1996

Bob Dole
Ross Perot In spite of scandals swirling around the Clinton White House involving financial dealings back in Little Rock and allegations of a hibbidy-bibbidy nature regarding Bill himself, the Clinton presidency was very popular.  The economy was improving, and Roseanne had finally been cancelled, so people were feeling upbeat.  In his re-election, Clinton's margin of victory widened, and Republican challenger Bob Dole earned even fewer electoral votes than George Bush had.  Only Ross Perot remained steady, with a solid zero electoral votes.  Perot was as goofy and paranoid as ever, but even these presidential qualities failed to energize voters.  As for Dole, it seemed almost miraculous he could energize himself.  He was no older than Reagan had been - who was? - but he lacked the vim and vigor to make using Grecian Formula convincing.  One pundit said every time he saw Bob Dole, he realized there was an empty coffin in Transylvania.  There was a couple of minor campaign scandals, the first when the Peoples Republic of China illegally contributed to the Democratic Party (They figured since we owed them so much money, they deserved a say in the election.) and the second when vice president Al Gore may have an accepted illegal contribution from a Buddist temple, but the money was returned and the nuns took the Fifth, so no harm was done.

Result
Bill Clinton: 379Bob Dole: 159Ross Perot: 0

March 23, Presidential Losers:George Bush and Ross Perot

George Bush and Ross Perot, 1992
George Bush
Ross Perot1 At one time, with approval ratings in the 90's, Bush must've thought he was unstoppable.  Shows what he knew.  His campaign pledge, thoughtfully delivered for the benefit of hearing-impaired voters in 1988, had been, "Read my lips, no new taxes."  Unfortunately, what Bush did in office was to raise all the old taxes.  Besides which, the Iron Curtain had come down, and we'd kicked Sadam's butt - or at least the butt of his Republican Guard - so it felt like we no longer needed the virile hawkishness of a Republican president, someone like Reagan who'd unwittingly quip into a live mike, "We've outlawed the Soviet Union.  Bombing starts in five minutes."  Now with the country in a recession and the deficit sky-rocketing, Americans were ready for a change.  One person who thought he could provide that change was Ross Perot.  Perot ran a "I'm-mad-as-hell-and-I'm-not-going-to-take-it-anymore" campaign, speaking out against the budget deficit and the North American Free Trade Agreement.  A Texas billionaire, he'd first appeared on the political scene claiming that hundreds of POWs had been left behind after the Vietnam War.  Perot engaged in illegal back-door negotiations with Vietnam on the issue.  He failed to secure the release of a single POW, or verify there were any, but he did wrangle an agreement to be Vietnam's business agent once relations with the US were normalized.  So something good did come of it.  Perot dropped from the race before the election, later claiming some dang Republican operatives were trying to sabotage his daughter's wedding.  One factor might have the performance by his running mate James Stockdale during the vice-presidential debate.  Admiral Stockdale, a Vietnam war hero and former POW, famously opened his remarks with "Who am I?  Why am I here?" a rhetorical question that just gave fodder to Saturday Night Live parodies.   His opening remarks were unprepared and unfocused, and what's more, he also neglected to have on his hearing aid, which meant he had to have a question repeated.  Clinton rolled into the White House, ending the streak of three consecutive Republican victories.

Result
Bill Clinton: 370
George Bush: 168Ross Perot: 0
1. For some reason everytime I draw Ross Perot, he looks like Jimmy Durante.  I cannot explain why this is.

March 22 Presidential Losers: Mike Dukakis

Michael Dukakis, 1988
Reagan left his vice-president George Bush a very strong hand, a strong economy and stable international relations, virtually ensuring him a presidential victory.  Then the Democrats helped out by nominating Mike Dukakis.  Governor Cuomo was favored  by many Democratic operatives for his intelligence and good sense, but then Cuomo showed it by refusing to run.  Gary Hart was attractive to many voters, at least one voter in particular.  Regarding allegations of adultery, he told reporters for the New York Times that if they followed him around, they'd "get bored."  It was not the Times that followed him around, but the Miami Herald who got pictures of Hart with sexy Donna Rice on his lap.  This would have been bad enough, but Hart was wearing a shirt that said, "Monkey Business Crew."  Thus ended Gary Hart.  Dukakis was left.  Dukakis was an old-school New-Deal Democrat from Massachussetts, a self-proclaimed "proud liberal," ie, a sacrificial lamb.  At the convention, Dukakis' name was placed in nomination by a rising star in the party named Bill Clinton.  Clinton's speech went on so long, delegates began booing him to finish.  During the campaign, Bush derided Dukakis for his "Harvard Yard" political views.  When it was pointed out Bush himself had gone to Yale, Bush said that was a different thing entirely.  Dukakis' most memorable gaff was a photo op in which he drove a tank outside a General Dynamics plant to prove his support for the military.  Dukakis had an impressive resume in many respects, but he looked ridiculous with his head sticking out the hatch in a helmet.  This, the voters could never forgive.

Result
George Bush: 426Michael Dukakis: 111