Man Martin's Blog, page 211

Jason: the Early Years January 10, Mythology

When Jason was little, Chiron made him practice
carrying heavy things across water. He figured it would
come in handy someday.Jason's father Aeson was king of Iolcus and had everything a man could want including a jealous little brother who ate his heart out everyday wishing he were king instead of Aeson.  Finally Pelias, that was the brother's name, got tired of eating his heart out and decided to do something about it, overthrowing Aeson and killing the royal family.  Lucky for Jason, his mother managed to sneak him away to a distant land to be raised by the Centaur Chiron. 1 Finally Jason returned to Iolcus, along the way meeting the goddess Hera in the guise of an old woman standing by the riverbank. 2 Jason offered to carry her across, and to test his strength, she magically made herself heavier and heavier as they went across, until she was so heavy, Jason's foot sank in the mud, losing one sandal.  Hera was pleased that Jason did not set her down or even suggest she go to step class, so she secretly resolved to help him if she could.  Meanwhile Pelias had been warned by an oracle to beware of a man wearing one sandal, 3 and when he saw Jason, he did not think, "Why the heck would anyone go around in just one sandal?" but "uh-oh."  Pelias pretended to be glad to see his nephew but said that to claim the throne, he must retrieve the golden fleece which was in the land of Colchis and was guarded by a fierce dragon. 4  Jason, suspecting nothing, readily agreed. 5
1. Some Centaurs were wise and some weren't. Chiron was one of the wise ones.2. As guises go, this was a pretty simple one.3. And he made things pretty hot for all the one-legged men in Iolcus, I can tell you.4. Aeson/Jason - Colchis/Iolcus?  Do all these names sound alike, or is it just me?5. Pelias probably didn't mention the dragon.

Zeus January 9, Mythology

Zeus.  Before Zeus was even born, his father Cronus had already swallowed Zeus' three older siblings.  To save him from this fate, his mother Gaeia hid him in a secret cave with a she-goat who nursed him. 1 To Cronus she gave a large rock to swallow, claiming it was Zeus. 2  Zeus grew to manhood or possibly godhood, returning to cut open Cronus' belly and free his sister and brothers.  Gaeia offered to become Zeus' consort which was the Greek term for "friend with benefits," but Zeus said for a god to lay with his mother was indecent.  So instead he married his sister Hera.  With his two brothers, he divided up the rest of the universe, giving the sea to Poseidon, the underworld to Hades, and keeping the rest for himself. 3 Once, after making love with Hera, Zeus began complaining of a terrible headache; it was so excruciating, he begged one of the other gods to split his skull open with an ax.  When this was done, out popped his daughter Athena, fully grown and wearing a suit of armor. 4  Somewhere around this time Zeus began fooling around with other women.  Zeus' MO was to sidle up to a comely lass in the guise of a bull, or thundercloud, or possibly swan.  If one guise didn't work, he'd try another.  He didn't need pick-up lines because he was Zeus.  Then the girl would give birth to a hero.  One woman gave birth to Hercules, another laid an egg.  With Zeus, you never knew what you'd get, and that was part of the fun.  Of course, these days we no longer believe God goes around getting women pregnant.  We're Christian.
1. That she-goat has got to be symbolic of something, but I can't imagine what.2. Did I mention Cronus wasn't the brightest guy on the block?3. Notice who got all the good stuff.4. You'd have a headache, too.

Theseus January 8

Theseus: Theseus was perhaps the greatest hero in Greek mythology. 1 Theseus was the son of Aethra and King Aegus and Poseidon. Aerthra had slept with her husband and the god in one night, giving Theseus two fathers. 2  Aegus returned to rule Athens, abandoning Theseus, but first leaving him a sword and a pair of sandals hidden under a massive stone. 3 Theseus was raised by a wise Centaur and when he reached adulthood, he went to Athens to claim his rights.  Theseus had many remarkable adventures on the way to his father's kingdom, one of which was killing the Crommyonian Sow. 4 Theseus did not reveal his true identity at first, and Aegus, suspicious, sent the young hero off to kill the Maranthonian Bull.  Only after Theseus returned in triumph, did Aegus look down and say, "Hey!  I recognize those shoes!  You must be my long-lost son!"  Now Theseus embarked on one last venture – to kill the dreaded Cretan Minotaur, the half-man, half-bull offspring of Queen Pasiphae and a sacred bull. 5 The Princess Ariadne, half-sister of the Minotaur, fell in love with Theseus and offered to help him.  She went to Daedalus, the inventor who had designed the labyrinth to be so labyrinthian that neither the Minotaur or any of his victims could ever escape.  6 Daedalus told Theseus to bring along a ball of string when he went in the labyrinth, unwinding it as he went, so he could find his way back. 7 Theseus killed the Minotaur and fled with Ariadne, promising to take her as his wife; however, stopping on an island, they encountered the god Dionysius, who fell in love with her and kept her as his own. 8 Theseus' return to Athens was marked by a tragic coincidence; Theseus had set off with black sails raised, promising Aegus he would replace them with white sails should he be victorious.  However, in the rush of events – killing a monster and meeting a god, and everything – Theseus forgot to take down the black sails, and when Aegus saw them on the horizon, he threw himself to his death.  Theseus returned to find himself king, but was heartbroken to learn it had been due to this oversight. 9
1. Or so Theseus claimed.2. Those Greeks didn't know much biology, did they?3. Thanks, Dad!4. For some reason this adventure isn't much publicized.  I can't think of why.5. See footnote 2.6. Daedalus also built the wooden cow in which Pasiphae hid to copulate with the bull.  Daedalus was a multi-faceted guy.7. Surprising no one had thought of that before, really.8. Or so Theseus claimed.9. Or so Theseus claimed.

Achilles January 7, Mythology

Achilles: When Achilles was little his mother, Thetis, dipped him into the River Styx to make him immortal.  Unfortunately, she held him by the heel, and… well, you get the idea.  Towards the end of the Trojan War Achilles got into an argument with Agamemnon.  Achilles insisted Agamemnon return the comely maiden Chryseis, whom he'd taken slave, to her father.  Agamemnon said okey-doke, but you've got to give me Briseis, the comely maiden whom you've taken slave in return. 1    Achilles did not care for this arrangement and went to his tent and pouted. 2 Following a surprise attack from the Trojans, it was left to Achilles' BFF Patrolcus to don Achilles' armor and beat back the Trojans – Patrolcus was killed by Hector, and now Achilles was really mad.  Just before Achilles went to avenge Patrolcus, Thetis had a special suit of armor made by Hephaestus to protect him in battle – you'd have thought she'd be satisfied with dipping him in the River Styx, but she wasn't.  Her biggest fear was that Achilles would have to go to battle.  She wasn't thinking clearly: making a man invulnerable and giving him a magic suit of armor is guaranteed to send him into battle.  If she wanted him to stay clear of battle, she should have dipped him in a river that made him nearsighted and gave him flat feet and then made him dress in corduroy. 3 In a grand exciting chase scene, Achilles chased Hector three times around the gates of Troy before the goddess Athena got tired of it and tricked Hector into turning around so Achilles could put a spear in him. 4  Achilles was finally killed by a lucky – or unlucky, depending on your point of view – shot when Hector's brother Paris managed to get an arrow into Achilles' heel. 5 Oddly, Paris is viewed as a coward whereas Achilles and Hector are praised for their bravery.  But Achilles, in spite of being invulnerable, spends most of the Iliad sulking or possibly pouting in his tent, and Hector's big scene is running away.   Go figure.
1. Achean soldiers didn't receive a salary in those days and were paid in comely maidens.2. Some scholars claim he sulked.3. She did try cross-dressing him, but that's another story.4. Actually, it wasn't all that exciting.  The Acheans were more excitable than we are.5. Say!  "Achilles Heel," that's where that comes from!

Arachnea January 6, Mythology

Arachnea: Once upon a time there was a very skilled weaver who made the mistake of believing her own publicity.  She got so carried away, she once bragged she was better than the goddess Athena. 1 Well, Athena shows up and is all like, "Alright then, you think you're so hot, let's just have a contest and find out."  And Arachnea is all like, "It was just a figure of speech, it didn't mean anything."  She wanted to back down, but by that time it's too late.  You might think a god has better things to do than challenge humans to contests, but it was the middle of the week and a light work day.  So they have a contest, and guess who wins?  Well, duh.  Arachnea was just using ordinary silk, but Athena had special thread you can only get on Olympus and you can't find in stores.  So then Athena is like, "Since you love weaving so much, I'll let you weave forever."  And Athena changes Arachnea into a spider which is where we get the word arachnid, you can check it out in the dictionary, and from that day to this, Arachnea weaves her beautiful silken webs. 2
1. Stop me if you've heard this one before.2. The part about eating bugs Athena threw in for free.

Odyseus January 5, Mythology

Odysseus: When it came time to fight the Trojans, Odysseus pretended to be crazy so they wouldn't him go, making him the original draft-dodger.  Agamemnon, though, saw right through him.  "You can't stay in here Ithaca hiding from battle," is what he said to Odysseus, "you have to come to Asia Minor and hide from battle."  And that's just what he did.  He spent the next nine years running from battle.  He usually did this by running to the rear of the lines telling stragglers, "Get up there and fight, you cowards!"  Then he'd go even further to the rear, looking for more cowards.  Odysseus gets the credit for the idea of hiding soldiers in a big wooden horse, but some scholars say the idea for the horse was really Epeius'.  Odysseus just came up with the part about hiding.  When Odysseus got to leave for home, he proved himself every bit as good a navigator as he had a soldier.  It took Odysseus ten years to get home, and during that time he battled monstrous giants, conversed with gods, and became Calypso's boy toy.1  During this entire time his wife Penelope had been completely faithful to him.2 She had fended off suitors for ten years pretending to weave a tapestry in honor of Odysseus, which each night she would un-weave.3  Disguising himself as an old man, Odysseus outwitted and slew the suitors 4 and was reunited with his wife and son.  If he didn't live happily ever after, it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.
1. No one ever seems to comment on the fact that the only eye-witness account of Odysseus' stories was Odysseus himself, and that Odysseus by his own admission was a shameless liar.
2. She said.
3. Suitors were a lot easier to fool in those days.
4. He'd been gone for twenty years, so it took a lot less disguising than you might think.

Heracles January 4, Mythology

Heracles, more familiar under his Roman name, Hercules, was the son of Zeus and the strongest man on earth.  Each culture seems to have its "strongest man on earth" figure; in the biblical tradition, the strongest man on earth was Sampson.1  Heracles was also famous for his bravery, but he was the strongest man on earth so big deal.  Heracles was the son of the god Zeus and Alcmena, the wife of the Tyrinian King, Amphitryon.  One thing many people don't know about Heracles is that he had a twin, Amphityron's son, Iphicles.  This is unusual, but it does happen from time to time, and not just in Greek mythology, either.  Not much came of Iphicles; it must have sucked being Heracles' brother.   "Heracles" means "glory of Hera," which is odd because Hera did everything she could think of to kill him.  When he was still a baby, Hera sent two poisonous snakes into Heracles' cradle, but Heracles easily strangled these. 2  When Heracles was still a youth, he showed signs of anger management issues that would plague him all his life; frustrated with his music lesson, he threw a harp at his teacher, Linus, and killed him. 3  Later, returning from a battle, he became enraged and killed his wife and sons believing they were wild animals. 4 In punishment, he had to perform twelve labors for the King Eurystheus; there were originally supposed to be only ten labors, but the gods adjudicated he'd cheated on two of the early ones, and so they added an additional two. 5  Heracles was pretty much invulnerable, but his naïve wife, Deinera, gave him a cloak soaked in Centaur's blood.  She thought it would operate as a love potion, but in reality, it was the blood of Heracles' mortal enemy Nessus, and when Heracles put it on, the robe fixed itself to his skin and began burning his flesh like acid. 6 All Heracles could do was climb onto a funeral pyre and allow himself to be burned alive.  He was welcomed by the gods on Mount Olympus, however, and even Hera forgave him.
1. Some people worry who would win in a fight between Heracles and Sampson. These people have way too much free time.2. Hera's problem was she was too fancy. She should have just dropped a big rock on him.
3. He wasn't much of a harpist, but he had good aim.
4. And yet he had no difficulty remarrying. Go figure.
5. Another possibility is Heracles just couldn't count.
6.Why would anyone fall for this? Everyone knows you don't use Centaur's blood in love potions.

Odin January 3, Mythology

Odin, King of the Norse Gods, was also known as Woten, Wotan, Woden, and Wooten.  He and his brothers killed the evil Frost Giant Ymir whose body formed Midgard, or the earth, and whose blood formed the lakes and streams.  His brothers, Vili and Ve, never amounted to much after this, but Odin was ambitious.  First thing he did was hang himself upside-down for nine days by his own spear; during this period he learned the nine songs of power and eighteen runes.  He had some time on his hands.  Later, he traded one of his eyes for a single drink from the Well of Wisdom.1  With his wife Frigg he fathered Baldar, Hod, and Hermod.  With another goddess, Jord, he had a son who was Thor. 2  Each year, Woden leads the other gods, the Aesir, in battle against the Frost Giants in order to turn back winter; one day however, it is prophesied the Frost Giants will win and the Earth be overcome with ice. 3

1. He could have had a second drink if he'd given his other eye, but by then he was already too wise for that.
2. Frigg was pretty thor too. Ha ha ha. Sorry.3. So much for Global Warming.

Cronus January 2, Mythology

Cronus was the son of Gaiea and Uranus1  He conspired with Gaeia to kill his father, afterwards becoming her consort, which is the Greek way of saying they were "doing it."  Later mythographers said he married Rhea, not Gaeia, but that was just trying to make the gods look better adjusted than they really were. 2  Gaiea gave birth to three children by Cronus 3 but Cronus, fearing one of his children would murder him 4 swallowed each as soon as it was born.  The fourth child, Zeus, she hid, giving Cronus a large rock to swallow instead.  Cronus was a god, but he wasn't very bright.  Zeus was raised in secrecy in a mountain on Crete. 5  When he reached adulthood, he confronted his father and sliced his belly open with a sickle, which may have symbolized the annual death of the sacred king. 6  Out of Cronus' stomach, fully grown, came Zeus' siblings, Poseidon, Hades, and Hera.  Gaiea offered to become Zeus' consort as well, but he'd already seen what came of consorting with her, so instead he took his sister Hera as his wife.7
1. No jokes, please.

2. It didn't do much good.

3. I know, ick, but remember, it's just a myth.

4. And who can blame him?

5. By a she-goat, which somehow seems symbolic of something.

6. On the other hand, it may just be a handy way to kill someone.

7. That marriage didn't work out so well either.

Oedipus January 1, Mythology

"Boy, that's a poser alright...
Why did the chicken cross the road?"Oedipus: Oedipus was born to King Laos and Queen Jocasta in Thebes, which is what the Ancient Greeks called Egypt.1  The Oracle of Delphi told Laos that the baby would grow up to kill his father and marry his mother.  Horrified, Laos took measures to prevent this disaster.2  He ordered a shepherd to leave the infant to be left exposed to the elements, but instead the shepherd gave the child to Queen Merope and King Polybus of Corinth.3  When Oedipus achieved adulthood, he went to the Oracle of Delphi, who said that he would murder his father and marry his mother.  The Oracle did not mention that Oedipus was really the son of Laos and Jocasta.4  Fleeing this dreadful prophecy, he ended up in Thebes,5 where he met and murdered Laos at a crossroads.  Arriving in Thebes, he found the city besieged by a terrible monster, the Sphinx, who asked all travelers the same riddle: "What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening."  Correctly guessing the answer was "man" - the four legs representing infancy, two legs adulthood, and the third leg being a cane.6 Oedipus slew the monster and liberated the city, which in gratitude let him marry Jocasta, whose husband had mysteriously gone missing.  Older than Oedipus, but still attractive7 Jocasta bore Oedipus four children, Polyneices, Eteocles, Ismene, and Antigone.  Eventually Oedipus discovered his crime, and in remorse tore out his eyes.8  He left Thebes, never to return.9

1 They were Greek and didn't know any better.
2  Stop me if you've heard this one.
3 You just couldn't trust shepherds in those days.
4 And yet people trusted the Oracle of Delpi completely. I can't say why.
5 Naturally.
6 Who knows how the riddle would have gone if they'd used walkers.
7 The original MILF
8 It seems like there might have been more relevant parts of his anatomy he could have torn off, but who's to say.
9 He was later taken bodily up to Olympus by the gods. He'd been through a lot and they felt sorry for him.