Man Martin's Blog, page 147

Lucky Girl

Nancy's out of town, and last night Catherine and Drew took me to see a RiffTrax presentation of Night of the Living Dead.  RiffTrax, in case you didn't know, and I didn't, is three of the guys from Mystery Science Theater minus robot costumes, riffing on a movie live in California or somewhere, which is then simulcast around the USA and Canada.
If there are two things Nancy doesn't like, it's zombie movies, especially Night of the Living Dead, and Mystery Science Theater.  This, then, would be the perfect storm of bad ways to spend an evening as far as Nancy is concerned.  Me, I laughed my butt off.
Favorite line?
We see a German Shepherd jump out of a police car.  "Rhombies!?"
Well, you had to be there.

Why I Never Make The Yahoo Headlines

MONDAY TUESDAYEvery morning when I log into my email, I'm treated to another spate of celebrities who've won renown, evidently by wearing clothes.  Sandra Bullock, I am told, "rocks" a designer gown.  Heidi Klum looks great in a leopard-print skirt but not so great as another celebrity.  (I'm supposed to click on the headline to find out who the other celebrity is.)  Miley Cyrus showed up somewhere in a backless evening gown.  (What?  Not frontless as well?)

WEDNESDAY THURSDAYI now realize why I have failed to rise to the pinnacle of internet fame: I wear the same clothes every day.  (Not the same clothes, that would make me famous for the wrong reasons, but the same clothes.  You know what I mean.)  Workdays, I wear the school uniform: green shirt and khaki pants.  Other days I wear shorts and a tee-shirt or jeans and a tee-shirt depending on the weather.  That's it.  I sleep in my boxer shorts.

FRIDAYA headline about me would run: "Martin Dazzles in Green and...  Oh, Wait a Minute.  He Wore That Yesterday, Only This Time, There's a Coffee Stain on the Shirt."  This is not the sort of thing the inquiring public wants to read.  The problem is, I don't own any backless outfits or leopard-print anything.  I don't have any clothes to rock.  My closet and drawers are filled with green shirts, khaki pants, tee-shirts, shorts, and jeans.  It's all I have.

I'm doomed to obscurity.
SUNDAY SATURDAY

Coaching for the Future

In many states, if you can believe it, the highest paid public official is a basketball coach.  I'm glad to say that in Georgia it's a football coach, which is what God intended.  In fact, in forty states the highest-paid public employee is a coach, in most cases, a football coach.  In New Hampshire, it's a hockey coach, which is kind of weird, but then, you know... New Hampshire.

Some short-sighted states like Montana waste their money on college presidents - chumps.  They don't see the incalculable benefit expert coaching could provide.

So here's the scenario: the Chinese come over and say, "Hey, USA, you owe us a bunch of money, where is it."  And Barack, he plays it all cool like, "Sure, China, I got your money.  Ten trillion, right?  It's right here in my desk.  But say...  How'd you like to go double or nothing... on a game of football?"

Darren Aronofksy Defends Noah

With a high-profile cast including Russell Crowe as everybody's favourite antediluvian patriarch, it has been billed as a blockbuster fantasy spectacular to resurrect the biblical epic for the 21st century. But Darren Aronofsky's Noah looks to be running into trouble after it emerged that the American auteur director of Black Swan and The Wrestler is embroiled in a fight for control of his ambitious new film with studio Paramount. -The Guardian

Okay, look, let me set everyone's mind at rest.  First off, the whole thing is strictly based on the BEE EYE BEE EL EE.  That's right, the Bible, the Holy Freaking Bible.  So if you don't like that, I don't know what your problem is.  

Of course, we had to make a few minor adjustments.  All the animals are CGI.  That's just because it's nearly impossible to make two real tigers walk up a plank side by side, especially if right in front of them is a pair of tasty-looking rabbits.  Okay, so we took some liberties there.  And since we were doing CGI anyway, I went ahead and juiced up the animals a notch.  Just like in Pi, the tigers are a little buffer than actual tigers, and the bunny rabbits are just a tad more adorable.  Wait til you see these bunny rabbits, I bet I make you go "awww."  And there's a megaroth.  This is a little bit of a stretch because the Bible doesn't say there was a megaroth, but it doesn't say there wasn't one either.  I'd never seen a megaroth because it's something I made up, but I got to say, the special effects boys did a bang-up job.

Also, there's a touchy point in the Bible where Noah's lying naked and his son Hamm checks him out.  It's all in there, you can see for yourself.  Now we got to stick to the facts, but that's a hard film to shoot.  I mean Hamm walks over and says, "Dad's passed out naked!  Whew, there's a sight you don't get over quickly."  In our version, Hamm's not the only one who sees Noah naked.  There's also this hot next-door neighbor (Miley Cyrus) who sees him that way and twerks him.  I know that part's not mentioned in the Bible per se, but it doesn't say it didn't happen.  And if you're lying around drunk and naked, there's no telling what goes on.

Your DNA Results

Thanks for sending your precious bodily tissue to DNA r US!  We've analyzed your sample and prepared this report.

NEANDERTHAL ANCESTRY: 2%.  For some reason, this is something that just fascinates people.  What this really means is that some of your ancestors were way ugly.  This should not come as a surprise.  Either there were some very, very sexy Neanderthals, or some super ugly humans.  Either way, this isn't anything to brag about.

RISK FACTORS:

FORGETFULNESS: You don't know where your car keys are right now, do you?  This is because of a portion of your DNA, H6a1b, the gene right between the part that gave you male-pattern baldness and the one that gives you those ugly toenails.

MUMBLING: A little bit of DNA we like to call K2a2 is why everyone ignores you.  Speak up, Chump!

DOGS: Dogs love you.  This has more to do with their DNA than yours.

CAFFEINE ABSORPTION: You don't absorb caffeine faster than other people, but your clothes do.  Maybe you shouldn't drink your first cup of coffee until after you've had your first cup of coffee.

FLATULENCE: Wait a minute!  You've got T2b2 and R1B12?  Forget about it.  You might as well just stay home.  You're disgusting.

DEATH: Your results confirm you're at a 99.999% risk of death.  This is a trait you've inherited from both your maternal and paternal line.  Even the Neanderthals are dead, if you thought that would help you.

On Being Loki

Yours TrulyYesterday, thanks to the good offices of my friend Mike Burr, I got to march in the Little Five Points Halloween Parade as Loki in the Box Hero Corps.  The Box Heroes are the brainchild of Steven Larkworthy, a graphic designer cum strange genius who has decided to use his powers for both good and evil, designing super-villain as well as superhero costumes entirely out of cardboard boxes.  There is something strangely convincing about these cubic characters, perhaps because their natural milieu is the two-dimensional world of the comic book.

My own costume, see picture, had a pair of magnificent curving horns and a long blond ponytail in back.  Wearing a cardboard-box costume is not as uncomfortable as you might imagine; I moved very stiffly at first, more out of fear of damaging the costume than anything else, but soon got the hang of it.  The Thing was capering all over the place, dancing, running, jumping; a degree of freedom Loki's horns would never allow.  No matter.  I felt being a Norse god required a certain degree of gravitas, and made do with a stately march.

Galactus (Manning Kent)
and Captain Marvel (Mike Burr) The great thing about wearing a mask, especially a cardboard one, is that it does all the work for you.  Nothing is required of the performer but to keep it on his head.  Nevertheless, I found myself snarling and grimacing, thrusting my chin forward, in what I imagined was Loki-like disdain for the mortal spectators.

I was cheered and greeted everywhere I went: "Loki!"  "Loki!"  Apparently his celebrity has recently been elevated in a major motion picture.  The other odd thing, and I suppose it has something to do with the nature of Halloween, facing our fears and all that, is that children seemed to feel a special need to greet the bad guys.  I obliged them with a stern growl and a fist bump - the box hero costumes are admirably suited for fist-bumping.  One little girl said cheerfully, "Hello, Loki, even though you're evil."

I was tempted to explain that Loki wasn't really evil, that on more than one occasion he'd saved the Norse gods' hash, that his motivations were more complex and personal than an allegiance to good or evil, but I didn't.  I offered my fist to bump, gave her a friendly growl, and marched on.

Maybe I'll see her at the Christmas parade when again I don my cardboard alter ego, and face the world as Loki.

Minor Confusions: Kitchen Division

Next time you're in a fine restaurant,
ask for ketchup to go with the pateAllspice is just one spice.  It is not a mixture of all of them as the name suggests.

Curry Powder is a mixture of spices.  It does not come from the curry plant as I once assumed.
Canola Oil is named for the Canola Plant, not the nation of Canada.  The Canola plant itself, however, is grown exclusively in Canada.
Baking Soda is sodium bicarbonate.  Baking Powder is sodium bicarbonate plus cream of tartar and starch.  I do not know why some recipes call for both baking powder and baking soda since the powder already has soda in it.
Cream of Tartar is a powder, not a cream.  (See Baking Powder).
Ketchup is the same as Catsup, although I haven't seen a bottle of Catsup in ages.  It is made neither from Cats nor Kets.  The word comes from the Chinese ke-tsiap, which is a pickled fish sauce.  Ketchup is not made of fish either, but tomatoes.  Children who don't like tomatoes seem to love ketchup.  Ketchup is meant to be stored at room temperature, not refrigerated.  In the Martin household, we refrigerate it in deference to the tastes and preferences of Mrs. Martin, but this is not as it should be.  The next time you're in a fine restaurant, ask for a bottle of ketchup to go with the pate de foie gras.  Notice the bottle is at room temperature.  This is because restaurants store ketchup in the pantry, not the refrigerator.  Case closed.
Kosher Salt, Sea Salt, and Table Salt are all the same stuff.  Salt.  The principal difference is the size of the grains.  Sea Salt does not necessarily come from the sea.  Kosher Salt is no more Kosher than regular salt.  Iodized salt proudly says iodine is a necessary mineral, and at one time that would have been a big deal, but these days most Americans consume about twice as much iodine as their bodies need, so there aren't any particular health benefits either. 
Chili is named for the chili pepper - of which cayenne is one variety - and chili itself is a Native American word for pepper, so referring to chili pepper is a little like saying Rio Grande River.  The nation of Chile may be named for a vanished tribe or it may mean something like "land's end" or it may refer to seagulls.  Neither of these words are related to chilly.

Scariest Movies for Halloween

The air's a little cooler, and leaves are falling from the trees.  Soon the ghosts and goblins will be out, ringing doorbells, and asking for candy.  Want some truly terrifying movies to put you in the Halloween mood?  Here's a smorgasbord of frightening flicks.

Shall We Dance? (2004)  Just about any film with Susan Sarandon is pretty frightening, but this one adds Richard Gere for a real chill-fest!  Beverly Clark is suspicious that her husband's late work nights are a cover story for an affair, but the the horrifying reality is he's taking lessons in ballroom dancing!  The hair-raising climax features a dance competition, which I will not spoil here except to say you shouldn't eat a full meal before watching it.

Billy Jack (1971) A self-righteous vigilante flick, but with hippies!  What makes the concept especially terrifying is that people actually thought this was a good movie.  Even more chilling is the soundtrack featuring "One Tin Soldier (The Ballad of Billy Jack)" by Coven.

Watch this if you dare!






Pretty Woman (1990) Arguably the most terrifying movie ever made.  The premise?  Being a prostitute is a good way to meet lonely billionaires who will fall in love with you.  Takes horror to a whole new level.

Daily Affirmations for Ted Cruz

People like you.  Not as many people as used to maybe, but who's counting?

You look really good in that suit.

You stand up for principles; not everyone would be willing to risk collapsing the economy in the name of fiscal conservatism, but you did.

You've accomplished at lot; it took real brinksmanship, but now look how everything's changed.

You look really good in that suit.

When the End Times comes, and Jesus reveals Obama was really a Muslim, you'll be able to say, "I told you so!"

You are famous, famous!

People respect you.  Like that waitress who said, "Sorry, the entree was late.  Does that mean you'll default on the tip?"

Have I mentioned how good you look in that suit?

Daily Affirmations for the Ted Cruz

People like you.  Not as many people as used to maybe, but who's counting?

You look really good in that suit.

You stand up for principles; not everyone would be willing to risk collapsing the economy in the name of fiscal conservatism, but you did.

You've accomplished at lot; it took real brinksmanship, but now look how everything's changed.

You look really good in that suit.

When the End Times comes, and Jesus reveals Obama was really a Muslim, you'll be able to say, "I told you so!"

You are famous, famous!

People respect you.  Like that waitress who said, "Sorry, the entree was late.  Does that mean you'll default on the tip?"

Have I mentioned how good you look in that suit?