Man Martin's Blog, page 146

Instructions for Disposing of Halloween Candy

After Halloween you will have residual undistributed candy; this is due to the inevitable over-purchase.  Do not be concerned that you "bought too much."  Even in the event that you under-purchase and run out, your wife will send you to the store for more, and you will return after the last of the trick-or-treaters, resulting in a bigger surplus than if you'd over-purchased in the first place.  Therefore, when it comes to Halloween candy, a certain degree of over-purchase is not only unavoidable, but desirable.

In the first stage of disposal, leave the candy basket in the foyer where it was on Halloween.  This saves the trouble of relocating the basket before its contents are lightened and allows you to pretend that you have no intentions of eating the entire pile.

Before eating any candy, visually identify available varieties; shift candy in basket to see what is on the bottom.  Some people categorize inventory into "good candy" and "bad candy;" however, there is no such thing as "bad" candy.  A better designation would be "good candy" and "better candy."  In any case, select one - and only one - piece of candy to eat.  Pick your favorite variety.  If you wish, you may mumble quietly, "I'll take this one."

Repeat the above procedure at intervals ranging from twenty-four hours to one minute.  Best practices recommend beginning with a longer interval between candy-eatings, which gradually grows shorter.  At some point you will notice that the "good candy" is disappearing faster than your consumption accounts for.  This is due to your wife sneaking pieces when you aren't looking.  Resentment is futile; view yourself and your spouse as a team, working in unspoken cooperation to eliminate leftover candy.  Nevertheless, it is desirable to prevent her from eating all the good candy, leaving you the drudgery of eating what's left.  Eating some second-best candy and even some of the worst demonstrates a good-faith effort not to be selfish, and moreover, may convince her to follow your example, ultimately leaving more good candy for you.

When you no longer see any good candy, bring the basket into the living room for greater convenience.  By now, the contents of the basket will be reduced enough that having it in plain sight will not be a disgusting indication of personal gluttony.  Moreover, it is not unusual to discover in transit some "good candy" that had been previously overlooked.  Eat this at once.

As you work through the second-best and third-best candy, you may discover a variety is tastier than you thought and should be promoted in rank.  Make a careful mental note of this for greater candy-eating efficiency next year.  When you have nothing but fourth-best and lower candy available, place the basket beside the couch so you can eat while you watch TV.  By this time, your spouse has stopped eating, and the entire chore has fallen on your shoulders.

Eating while recumbent may result in spillage.  Spilled candy should be retrieved as quickly as possible from couch cushions or floor following the five-second rule.  In the case of Halloween Candy, you may wait as long as one day to eat candy found between couch cushions, provided no one is looking.  It is imperative, however, to eat candy from the floor immediately to prevent the dog from getting it, as candy is bad for dogs.

It is acceptable at this point to eat four or even five pieces at a time, to compensate yourself for low candy quality.  Candy packagers, with the help of expert appraisers, evaluate the desirability of each variety, and put in greater portions of low-ranking treats.  Or at least it seems this way.

After a marathon candy-eating session, you may experience wooziness and a slight stomach upset.  This is normal.  When the candy is gone, the basket may contain empty wrappers.  Squeeze each wrapper carefully before disposal to ensure no candy has been overlooked.

When complete, put empty basket away until next year.

The Book of Leviticus, Simplified

And the Lord appointed the descendants of Levi to be priests to the Israelites  and the Lord saith, Take care thou doest what they say, for they are in charge while I am gone and they will write down the names of any who misbehaveth.

And the Levites spoke unto the people in place of the Lord, for lo, they were the ones put in charge.

And the Levites said the people shall bring sin offerings of young bullocks to the priests.  And offer all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, but the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them, and the caul that is above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall be thrown away: And the priest shall burn them upon the altar for an offering made by fire unto the Lord. Every male among the priests shall eat thereof except for the kidneys, like we said.

And no man shall lie with another man as with a woman, for that is icky.  And that goes double-ditto for a man who lieth with a sheep as with a woman.  And if a man lieth with a sheep, both shall be put to death for the man has committed an abomination, and as for the sheep, well, would you want that sheep?  And if a woman lieth with another woman...  Well, I don't know about that, is that even a thing?

And no one shall eat pork because that is also icky, and also crayfish and squid.  Fish are okay, but only ones with scales.  And if anyone even touch, say, a catfish, or a pig, or any unclean thing, he shall be considered unclean until evening.  If he touch a corpse, he shall also be unclean until evening.  

And if he do any of these things, he shall sacrifice a bullock, all but the kidneys and the caul above the liver, which shall be thrown away, for those things are oogy.  And the priests shall eat them for it is holy.

And Er, son of Ahem, said, but what if a man touch the corpse of an unclean animal, say a pig, is he unclean for two days?

No, saith the Levites, he's only unclean until evening because even though pigs are pretty gross all by themselves, the corpse thing sort of cancels it out.  But it will cost you an extra bullock, minus the kidneys, for asking.

If a man picketh his nose, he shall be considered unclean until evening.  If he fart, and really can't help it, he is only unclean until later that day, but maybe next time he shall be more considerate and do it when no one is around.

And anyone who does these things must bring a bullock, first taking out the kidneys, like we said, the Lord really doesn't like kidneys, and give it to the priests who will sacrifice and eat it.  But if thy sin is nose-picking, thou shalt wash thy hands first, at least.

If a woman is menstruating, she shall stay within doors and not go out because, ugh.  And if a woman give birth to a boy, she is unclean for thirty days, and if she give birth to a girl, she's unclean sixty days because of cooties.  And if she gives birth to a baby that's like really, really ugly, not just ordinary ugly, but like, whoa, we will take it on a case by case basis.

Anyone who wears two different kinds of thread in the same garment shall be considered unclean.  Anyone who wears two different sandals shall be considered a doofus.  People are only unclean until sunset, but being a doofus is forever.

And no one shall uncover his daughter's nakedness, nor his mother's nakedness, nor his mother-in-law's nakedness, nor his sister-in-law's nakedness, nor his sister's nakedness, nor his half-sister's nakedness, nor his aunt's nakedness, nor his grandmother's nakedness, nor the nakedness of his daughter-in-law.

I think that about covers it.

And anyone who does these things must sacrifice a bullock except for the what?  And the people shouted back, the kidneys!

And no one who is blind or a dwarf or funny-looking or has spots on their face can be a priest.  As for women, forget it.

And Korah, who always had sort of a bad attitude anyways, spoke up saying, "Who made you the boss of us.  You're just making up a bunch of rules to get us all in trouble and so you can rack up on sacrificial bullocks."

And as he spoke the earth opened up, and swallowed him for the Lord was wroth at disobedience, and the Levites were all like, I told you so.

My Shoulder

I dislocated my shoulder last week, and now have to wear my arm in a sling.  This means everywhere I go, I'm called upon to explain what happened.  I bet on Friday alone I had to tell two hundred people about my arm.  Of course, a hundred fifty of them were my students, so that brings the average up a bit.  I don't blame people for asking, naturally, and I'm pleased with their concern; still, it gets tiresome.  I think when the hospital gave me the sling, they should also have given me a sign: "Dislocated Shoulder."

The worst part is, they always want to know how I dislocated it.  There are many interesting and worthwhile reasons to have a dislocated shoulder:
Ultimate Cage FightingBitch-Slapping Kodiak BearMeteorite 
The way it really happened was this: walking up some steps.
This is my modus operandi when it comes to getting injured.  Why can't I get hurt doing something exciting?  Why is it always something ordinary?  Say, walking?  Admittedly, Ultimate Cage fighting is not something I do a lot of, but surely I have as much right to get hit by a meteorite as anyone else.  Getting hit by a meteorite makes you seem glamorous and remarkable: tripping on steps just makes you a klutz.
So now if you see me in a sling, you'll know why.  And if someone else asks you what happened to me, tell them it was a meteorite.

Things I Know Now I Wish I'd Known Then: Jessica Handler

Each month a writer is invited to hold forth on the above topic.  This month it's Jessica Handler, the author of the forthcoming Braving the Fire: A Guide to Writing About Grief available in December from St. Martins Press. Her first book, Invisible Sisters: A Memoir (Public Affairs, 2009) is one of the “Twenty Five Books All Georgians Should Read.” Her nonfiction has appeared on NPR, in Tin House, Drunken Boat,Brevity, Newsweek, The Washington Post, and More Magazine. Honors include residencies at the Josef and Anni Albers Foundation, a 2010 Emerging Writer Fellowship from The Writers Center, the 2009 Peter Taylor Nonfiction Fellowship, and special mention for a 2008 Pushcart Prize. She teaches creative writing and screenwriting in Atlanta and elsewhere. You can find her online at www.jessicahandler.com


Writing a memoir, for me, turned out to be something like learning to wear my skin in a different way. Not inside-out as much as shaken out, given a good airing, and resized. My skin’s more comfortable on me now. But  it turns out that the advice I’ve read – and you have too – about each book being different is true. Writing Invisible Sisters wasn’t at all like writing Braving the Fire. This is true of the third book, too (and that’s all I’m saying about it) as I dig away at shaping the story. Yes, it’s still me at the keyboard, in the same space in my house, on another iteration of the same laptop. But each new book requires some new way of seeing the world, derived from the way my skin – and my mind and heart – fit me as I write.

I kind of enjoy that.

Seeing my first book out there in the world – on bookstore shelves, in someone’s lap in a dentist’s waiting room (!) – is flat-out thrilling.

Those readers are holding my life in their hands. I trust them to treat it well.

People talk to me about my books and then they tell me things that surprise them. I’m glad. They’re really telling themselves these things, sometimes for the first time.

I take pictures of my book out there in the world. I take pictures of it end-capped in bookstores, and being held open to be signed, and of the little signs in bookstore windows announcing my reading.

Learn what end-capping is.

Always buy something at an independent bookstore. If it’s not a book (and there’s got to be a book there I haven’t read yet or really love and want to give to someone) get note cards, a coffee mug, or a t-shirt. Someone needs a gift, including the independent bookstore!

Book club visits are really fun. A like-minded stranger invites me into their home to talk with them and their friends about an interest we all share – the book! 

Have nutrition bars in the car. I will definitely get stuck in traffic on the way to book club visits or in-store readings. 

Read work aloud in draft. Really.

Learn to use “track changes .”

There’s a one-month free trial subscription to the Chicago Manual of Style. Deploy that privilege before submitting  manuscript to editor. Most houses use CMS.

It’s extraordinarily detailed. There’s a lesson to be had somewhere.

Learn to write on planes.

I didn’t know then how rewarded I would feel telling someone “I’m a writer” when asked what I do for a living.  I didn’t know that I would still feel that it’s a little strange in a “yes it really is a job” kind of way to say so.

I knew all along that I’d kind of enjoy that.

Halloween Horribles

Halloween Horribles

Halloween Horribles

Halloween Horribles

Halloween Horribles

Your Order Has Shipped!

Dear Valued Customer,
Congratulations!  We have received your order for Shur-Grip Garden Gloves.  You will receive another email when your order has shipped.
Sincerely,
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Your Gloves are ready to leave the warehouse!  Right now they're on the desk of Larry, our mail clerk.  They're already boxed and labeled.  All he has to do is take them down to shipping and they're on their way!
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Sorry for the delay!  Your Gloves have been sitting on Larry's desk all day, and he hasn't lifted a finger to mail them.  He just keeps staring at his computer.  We're afraid he's looking at porn.  Anytime we go in there, the screen is something work-related, but we think he changes it when he hears us coming.  His girlfriend broke up with him recently, and he's going through a rough patch.  (Drinking.)  But that's no excuse for not mailing your package.  If he doesn't get off his duff soon, we'll give him a stern talking-to.
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
We dealt with the Larry problem, and your Gloves are on their way!  The fact is, we had to let him go.  He didn't take it well - his mother's in the hospital it turns out, and he's helping with her medical bills.  We didn't know that part, and we wished he'd told us before we dismissed him.  But what's done is done, and we're sure Larry will land on his feet.  The main thing is, soon you'll be enjoying your new Shur-Grip Gloves!
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Almost there!  Right now Linda, the intern who's filling in for Larry, is in line at the post office.  She came right when there was a rush of customers, and you know how slow postal workers are, ha-ha.  (Actually, the preceding is a playful exaggeration meant for comic effect; the Shur-Grip Team has the highest respect for America's Postal Workers along with the rest of our Armed Forces.)  If you had selected the $up-R $av-R Rush Delivery Option for just five dollars more, your package would have been shipped by overnight courier.  Not that we blame you for wishing to save money, the Shur-Grip Team is fully committed to Customer Service; however, the $up-R $av-R Rush Delivery is something you might want to consider for future orders.
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Guess who showed up at the post office?  Larry.  We didn't mention this earlier, but Linda is the girlfriend who broke up with him.  Awkward.  They're pretending not to notice each other.  We suppose Larry's getting an employment application.  Like he has a chance.  Getting a job at the post office is like winning the lottery.  Believe us, we've tried.  Anyway, Larry's desperate efforts to find a job in this economy are none of your concern.  Soon you'll have your Shur-Grip Gloves!
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
It turns out Larry's not looking for a job after all.  He's filling out a change-of-address form.  He's moving to Reno where his mother lives, he says.  We know what you're thinking. Wasn't his mother supposed to be in the hospital?  Frankly, we're glad we don't have to deal with him any more.  Linda's well out of it.
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Linda has temporarily stepped out of line at the post office.  She and Larry have gone to the coffee shop next door to talk things over.  This might be the best thing for all concerned, so they can finally get some closure on this situation.  Not to worry though, she has your Shur-Grip Gloves with her and will mail them as soon as she wraps things up with Larry.
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Where to begin?  You know all those times Larry was staring at the computer screen, and how secretive he was about it?  He was shopping online for engagement rings!  At least that's what he claims.  We're not so sure.  We think he was probably browsing porn like we said, but Linda believes it, and now she and Larry are running off to Reno together.  The whole Shur-Grip Team joins you in deploring this shocking bad judgment on her part.  She's a fine girl, and we hate to see her throw away her opportunities for a shifty character like Larry.  And she has your Shur-Grip Gloves with her.  But you know kids.  You can't tell them anything.  
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer Asshole,
We mailed your precious gloves and we hope you choke on them.  Thanks so much for getting Larry fired even though you never met him and he never did anything to hurt you.  Thanks a lot.  We're not really thanking you, we're just being sarcastic, but you're such an asshole, you probably wouldn't pick up on the irony unless we pointed it out.  So even though you cost Larry his lousy job, he did the right thing for you because that's the sort of guy he is.  Anyway, we're going off to Reno together because we love each other and that's the sort of thing people do when they're in love.  Not that you would understand anything about that.  The closest you'll ever get to love is those stupid precious gloves of yours that you needed so badly Larry's out of work now.  Thanks a lot.  Sarcasm.  I bet you use those gloves to masturbate, don't you, you poor pathetic lonely asshole perv.  That would be so typical.  I bet you're the one who's surfing porn which is really ironic because that's what Larry got fired even though he was looking for engagement rings.  I'm wearing his ring right now.  Maybe it's not as big as Mr-Fancy-Gloves-Asshole could afford, but it represents the perfect love we share and that's what's important.  Oh, yeah, and by the way, Larry's mother really is in the hospital.  There's hospitals in Reno, too, but you never thought about that, did you, you selfish glove-loving prick?  Well, we're off to Reno, and we hate you every bit as much as we love each other, so suck on it.
Thanks a million, asshole,
Linda and Larry
PS: That last thank you, was sarcastic, too.  We wouldn't really thank you for a million dollars.

Dear Valued Customer,
We apologize for the email you just received from Linda and Larry.  Please disregard her remarks about using the gloves to masturbate while you browse porn.  The Shur-Grip Team fully realizes you would never do such a thing, and at any rate, what a Valued Customer does with his Shur-Grip Gloves in the privacy of his home is nobody's business but his own.  We were as surprised as you to learn the truth about Larry's mother and the ring.  Having said that, we still think Linda's making a terrible mistake.  It's hard to put our finger on, but there's something shifty about Larry.  We don't trust him.  We wouldn't be at all surprised to find out we haven't heard the whole story about the mother or the ring.  How much time does it take to shop for rings online anyway?  Still, it's not our place to judge.  Nevertheless, it goes without saying, we are terminating Linda at once.  We will take precautions to screen interns more closely in the future.  In the meantime, your Shur-Grip Gloves have shipped and will arrive shortly!
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
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