Man Martin's Blog, page 148

What Could Possibly Go Wrong

Lately I feel like I'm in a house with a leaky roof, sinking foundations, and a serious alligator infestation.  There's so much that's so bad, it's hard to know which crisis to worry about most.  The anxiety-producing thing is that nothing is at absolute crisis level yet; the dam hasn't burst, but  it's making funny grumbling noises, and the water's dripping through the cracks.  For example, the government shut down.  Surely, they'll strike a deal before we default, right?  I mean, even Congress isn't that stupid.  And there's still hours left to do it in.  Heck, they'll probably already have it settled by the time I post this blog.  And then we'll all be fine.  La-de-da-ta-ta-ta.  Until next time.  The US National debt is 16 trillion dollars.  Our gross domestic product is about 15 trillion.  What could possibly go wrong.

Then there's global warming.  For years, I'll admit, I was a skeptic.  The whole thing seemed so far-fetched.  But now I think it's the real deal, and it's got me worried.  Even if somehow we convinced everyone in the United States and everyone in the world - yes, China and India, I'm talking about you - to quit emitting greenhouse gasses and reforest the planet, it could take a thousand years for conditions to return to pre-industrial levels.  (I'm not just pulling that out of a hat; I found it on the internet, so it must be true.)

And yesterday, I read that North American moose are dying off.

It's like those canaries miners used to carry down with them into the shaft.  When the canary fell feet-up into the bottom of the cage, you knew it was time to head back up.  Only problem is, we can't; we're in so deep, we can't turn around.  Not for a thousand years, anyway.

What could possibly go wrong?

Easy Origami Projects

Fold piece of 8 1/2 X 11 paper in half, then half again.  Fold down all four corners to make a sort of diamond shape.  Now fold diagonally across middle.  Fold corners again, but this time backward.  Fold diagonally the other way.  Do it again.  Figure out the next step yourself, I can't tell you everything.  Screw it.  This isn't working.  Throw away and start over.

Take sheet of paper.  Crumple it in fist.  Voila!  A basketball.

Now to make a beautiful exotic origami bird.

Repeat steps for basketball above.  Add feet, feathers, and a beak.

A dinosaur.

Make another basketball, but this time instead of bird-stuff, add dinosaur stuff.

Perfect.

Now for a Martini.

Three parts gin, one part vermouth, chill and serve with stuffed olives.

There's only so much paper-folding I can stand.

Loaves and Fishes

The Gospel According to Matthew
And when it was evening, his disciples came to him, saying, This is a desert place, and the time is now past; send the multitude away, that they may go into the villages, and buy themselves victuals. But Jesus said unto them, They need not depart; give ye them to eat. And they said unto him, We have here but five loaves, and two fishes. 
The Gospel According to Ayn Rand
And therefore was this an opportunity to set up an industrial bakery and a full-scale fish-processing plant.  And lo, they provided employment for many in the area, and also, thanks to economies of scale, were able to provide ample loaves and fishes at reasonable prices, so even the poorest - provided they were willing to work - could afford it.  And the investors likewise made a bundle, and the economy boomed, and it was a win-win.
The Gospel According to Barack Obama
For the wealthiest ten percent own almost half the loaves and fishes and many own either a loaf or a fish, but not both.  Therefore, everyone will contribute some of their loaves and fishes, and the very wealthiest shall contribute the most, for this is only just, to see to it that in this country no one is without a loaf or fish.  And among the young, they may be covered by their parents' loaf and fish plan, but all must contribute, even someone who says he really doesn't like fish or isn't hungry because you know sooner or later he's going to need some fish, and it's cheaper in the long run to take care of it now instead of waiting to go to the Emergency Room for acute fish deprivation.

Applying Lessons of the Middle East to Lawn Care

A Heavily-Armed Vole Confronting a Snake in Body Armor
If You Think It's Easy Drawing a Snake in Body Armor,
I Suggest You Try it YourselfWhen it comes to the Middle East, we're between Iraq and a hard place.  Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Actually, that was probably the funniest line in the whole blog, so I don't blame you if you stop reading it right here.

Anyway, I've decided to apply the lessons learned from our foreign policy in the Middle East to lawn care.  A couple of years past, you see, we began to have serious trouble with voles.  They tunneled under our rose bushes and killed at least one.  That's when I began encouraging snakes.  We used to have a cat who took care of the voles - by take care of, of course, I mean ate - but I don't intend to get another cat, and besides, snakes are full-time vole-catchers, whereas with cats it's at most a kind of hobby.  Anyway, encouraging snakes is a lot easier than you might think.  A few posters like, "Snakes rule!" or "Snakes let nothing stand in their way" or "Snakes #1!" is all it takes.  I'm not sure the snakes really got the wordplay of "stand in their way" but they seemed to like the way I drew the "1" to look like a snake balancing on its tail.

Unfortunately, snakes are tunnelers, too, and there was a certain amount of collateral damage in the hydrangeas and the creeping gardenia, but the voles were well under control.  By under control, I mean mostly dead.  But then I began to be concerned about the snakes.  It turns out something you don't want is a bunch of snakes with high self-esteem.  They began burrowing under the house, and I worried they'd undermine the foundation.  Which  is when I began arming the voles.

It's not easy to teach a vole to use a semi-automatic weapon, I can tell you.  For one thing, the rifles have to be very, very small.  Secondly, voles are terrible shots; they're legally blind, most of them, and getting prescription eyeglasses to stay on their pointy little faces is nearly impossible.  I hate to admit it, but more than a few voles were lost to "friendly fire" before I began to see any progress.  But now they seem to have the hang of it, and every so often the air is filled with tiny little bursts of gunfire.

The snakes are definitely on the run, which is kind of a strange image, but now, however, I'm worried the voles are getting out of hand again.  The next step is getting some sort of body armor for the snakes.  Later on, I'll have to be prepared to give the voles armor-piercing bullets.  But for now, the snake-vole situation seems to be fairly stabilized.

Only lately, I've started to worry about chipmunks.

Those Other People

I've put off mentioning this as long as I can.  And it's not that there's anything wrong with them.  But dear Lord.  I was listening to one of them talk the other day, and I cringed, just cringed.  Her ideas.  How can anyone be out walking around with the things she thinks in her head?  Does she ever get out of her own little world?  I can't tell you exactly what she said, of course, but you know the sort of thing I mean, right?  I told my wife about it, and she told me the woman was perfectly nice and besides a good friend of another friend of ours, and that I needed to be careful what I said.

You never know when you'll run into one of those people, because they seem perfectly ordinary, but then they open their mouths, and blammo.  But I'll tell you a little secret.  I can almost always spot them.  Ninety times out of a hundred in fact, I can tell you in advance if it's one of those people.  It's the way they dress, and there's something in their smiles.  Like you see their smile, and you know somehow it's fake.  I mean, they may mean it, it may be the way they really smile, but there's something about their smile that's not quite right.  You can tell.

You don't let it show of course.  You smile back and act polite.  But still.  Deep down you feel all oogy having to actually talk to one.

But sometimes they can fool you.  I was talking just the other evening to a man I've known for years, and then he said something, and I thought, "Oh, God, not him."  Sure enough, he was one of those people.  He had me completely fooled.  He's a nice guy, which is what makes it such a shame.  Or at least, I used to think he was a nice guy.  Now I'm not so sure.  Looking back, I can see the signs.

Still as awful as those people are, they're not half as bad as those other people.  Thank God, there's not as many of them.  Those people are everywhere you turn, but those other people are just now and then.  But I've noticed something.  Those other people are starting to pop up more and more these days.  I was listening in on a conversation at a restaurant the other night, and...  You guessed it.  It was those other people.  They had no self-awareness at all.  Didn't even realize that other people could hear every word they said.

If it came to some sort of huge full-scale Armageddon-type war, I'd side with those people against those other people any day.  The fact is, running into one of those other people almost makes you like those people a little better.  You appreciate their better qualities.  At least I do.  I try to see the best in people.

3-D Printing, The Next Big Thing

Someday soon, instead of having to run down to the hardware store every time you need to replace a screw on the ceiling fan, only to discover you got the wrong size, you'll be able to turn on your 3-D printer and print out a screw that's the wrong size.
You can have your very own 3-D printer from MakerBot - I looked up prices on the internet - for a mere $2,799, which actually is pretty darn cheap.  Of course, you'll also need a digitizing scanner, which runs another $1,400, plus the filament, which is the stuff the 3-D stuff is printed on.  A roll of "stellar pink" ABS, whatever that may be, is $48, but assuming you won't want everything you printed to be stellar pink, you'll want other colors as well.  So for a mere $4,247 you can get started printing your very own stellar pink 3-D objects up to nine inches tall.  Think of the money you'll save on wrong-sized screws!
I think the only thing that dissuades me from ordering one right now, is the little motto on the Replicator 2-X: "Designed for daredevils and experimenters."  I don't know which marketing genius inserted the word daredevil, but it dampens my enthusiasm a little.  Another was a little red label stating "Warning: patience and a sense of adventure required."
For the time being, I'll leave 3-D printing to the daredevils.  I get enough adventure looking for my cellphone charger.

Who's Who

Heaven will be like Facebook

I think theologians and snake-handlers and Dalai Lamas and those guys can now agree on one thing: heaven is probably going to be a lot like Facebook.  You will be surrounded by hundreds of disembodied friends - actually, as many friends as you wish, even people you never met or knew - and receive constant updates from them.  You will know what everyone is saying to each other all the time.  Everyone will like everyone else, but liking will be a simple and painless matter and not involve difficult decisions or questions of loyalty or even take up any time.  There will be no bad smells.  We will constantly trade snarky comments and funny images of the goings-on back on earth.  You will be able to spend a long, long time there without even realizing it.

Yes, whatever Heaven may be, we can be sure it will be a lot like Facebook.

Hell will be like Facebook, too.

Tea Party Plan B

Boehner: Exploding the sun and
blasting the earth to cinders,
a "last resort"Economists say it could plunge the country into recession and prompt a global financial meltdown.  To many Republicans, however, the prospect of the world's lone superpower juggling its bills doesn't seem so bad. The government could muddle through without a debt-ceiling increase as long as it kept up with interest payments and a few other priorities, they argue.  "We are not going to default on the public debt. That doesn't mean that we have to pay every bill the day it comes in," Republican Representative Joe Barton told CNBC on Monday - Reuters
"Global Warming, No Big Woop," says Senator James Inhofe, Republican of Oklahoma.  "Even if sea levels do rise a couple of feet, people on the coast just need to wear waders, that's all.""Global nuclear war isn't all that bad when you get right down to it," Florida Senator Marco Rubio claims.  "Yes, there'd be significant property damage, no doubt about that, and some very valuable real estate would probably be uninhabitable for the next five millennia or so, but as long as we have our massive secret underground shelters, we can preserve our freedom and our American way of life, and isn't that the important thing?""Exploding the sun and blasting the earth into cinders is obviously a last resort," Speaker of the House John Boehner says.  "But we're sure Obama will listen to reason before it comes to that.  Still, it's not like we couldn't muddle through for a while.  For example, you could turn your pillow over to the cool side.  That might buy you a couple of extra precious seconds."

Things I Have Seen (Or Not)

I wish things I saw that strike me as awesome would go on being awesome and not shift down into punier versions of themselves or else that I would make a more accurate assessment of their awesomeness quotient from the outset.

Yesterday in the garden I saw the biggest snake.  It was black with yellow stripes which allowed me instantly to identify it as a black yellow-striped snake.  (I use a similar method of identification on birds.)  Anyway, I trotted back to the house and told my sister Chris - who happens to be visiting - to come quickly.  I didn't tell her what the surprise was, because I wanted her to see for herself.  Anyway, when we got back to the spot, we saw a snake.

Here's the thing: it was definitely the same snake I'd seen before, black with yellow stripes, but somehow in the intervening moments, it had grown much smaller.  This snake was about the size of a deluxe rubber snake you used to buy at Woolworths, and not the super-deluxe, either, just the deluxe.  The snake I had seen, however, was at least as thick around as my wrist and as long as my arm.  I had picked up my chicken Sorche out of a decent concern for her safety around such a behemoth, and in fact, I'd all but concluded the snake had come into our yard in the first place on a chicken-hunting expedition.

The snake my sister saw, however, and she admitted it was "impressive" in the same tone of voice you might use to praise someone's new Ford Focus, was, let's admit it, not all that impressive.
Nor is the snake episode is not the first time my senses have been betrayed this way.  I will, for example, see an absolutely hilarious You Tube Video and insist Nancy drop whatever she's doing to come see, and then when she watches this absolutely hilarious, must-see, side-splitting video, it's... amusing.

"That's nice, dear," she'll say patiently, and return to repaving the driveway or whatever she'd been about, but she only saw the actual video, she didn't see it as it played out in my head, just as Chris only saw the snake in the garden, not the one in my head.  But try telling someone, "You've got to come quick and see the snake in my head!"  That only leads to confusion.