Man Martin's Blog, page 145

Marital Immune Deficiency

"Welsh Corgis," he will mutter to himself,
"are not so bad as I once imagined."Marital Immune Deficiency (MID) is a scientific name I just made up to describe the way married couples transmit and catch infections.  A case in point is that Nancy is just now coming off a week-long bout with a nasty head cold.  True to form, even as she recovers, I'm developing the first symptoms myself.
This phenomenon has been documented for a long time, nor does it limit itself to microbes, bacteria, or fungi; any transmittable condition will do.  For example, suppose the husband belongs to some lunatic fringe political party; the South Moluckan Social Democratic Communist Free Masons, for example.  Well, by and by, the wife will also become a South Moluckan Social Democrat Communist Free Mason, if in fact, she wasn't already.  Many such conditions are transmitted during courtship, or both spouses may have been infected simultaneously.

Another instance.  A woman is a fancier of Welsh  Corgis.  She not only owns two, and takes them to competitions, she subscribes to Welsh Corgi Monthly, and has a Welsh Corgi App on her smartphone.  She is chair of the local Welsh Corgi Board.  Her husband is tolerant of this, but nothing more.  "I love Dora," he tells his friends.  "She's a fine woman and Friday nights meets me at the door dressed in nothing but Saran Wrap, but as far as the Welsh Corgi thing, whoo-hoo."  At this juncture he will point at his ear and make little circles with his index finger, indicating that such fascination with the Welsh Corgi is a sign of mental instability.  But then it will come to pass, as the night the day, that one day he will look upon a Welsh Corgi with a kinder and gentler eye.  "Welsh Corgis," he will mutter to himself, "are not so bad as I once imagined.  In fact, they are a fine and worthy breed."  And then he will find himself asking his wife where she put the most recent copy Welsh Corgi Monthly because there was an article on foot pad fungus he hadn't finished.

Much the same thing has happened in the Martin household regarding chickens.  We when first got chickens, Nancy was merely humoring an inexplicable whim of her husband's.  But now that our chicken inventory has shrunk to one, she's lobby to get another.  She claims Sorche is lonely for another chicken, but it's really Nancy herself.

Of course, not all conditions are transmittable.  I, for example, have a common male visual impairment that prevents me from seeing when the floor needs sweeping or laundry putting away.  Decades of cohabitation with Nancy have not altered this.

But I hear you protesting, MID is not always transmitted.  What about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise or whoever else and Tom Cruise.  Shouldn't those ladies have been infected with a belief in Body Thetans and the evil Dictator Xenu?  But notice, they're not with Tom Cruise anymore are they?  I would contend that although they were married, they were never married married.

True love does not merely transmit infections, it is one.

Have You Seen the Obamacare Ads?

I offer these only with the sobering comment; presumably the minds who approved these were the same ones that designed the program itself.

People Ask for Advice, But They Don't Really Want It

So the phone rings last night after dinner, and I'm like, "Oh, no!  Not again!"  Yep, Barack's in another jam and he needs me to get him out.  Again.  So I say, "Hey, Mr. Prez, what's shaking?"  He's really pee-ohed and says, "Only a hundred thousand people have enrolled for Obamacare, but five million people have had their insurance cancelled!  That means four million more people had insurance before the Affordable Healthcare Act than they do now."

And I'm like, "So?  Isn't that what you wanted?"

"No, just the opposite."

I'd gotten this mistaken idea because Mitt called the night before and claiming this is exactly what Barack had been planning all along, but I should've been suspicious.  Mitt also says when a Mormon dies, God puts him in charge of his own personal planet.  I asked which dead Mormon was in charge of this one, and why he wasn't doing a better job, but Mitt didn't have an answer.

So anyway, once I knew Barack's idea was that more people should have healthcare instead of fewer, I put the old cerebrum to work, and came up with an idea.

Bring in the TSA.

Think about it, everyone who goes through the airport gets a personal pat-down and a screening.  How hard would it be to do a little check-up at the same time?  In some cases, they'd just have to say, "Now cough," and they'd be providing the same service for free that my doctor charges a Lexus payment for.  Juice up those rotating x-ray devices and you could check for broken bones and lung spots while you're looking for weapons.

I put this idea to Barack, but I'm afraid he wasn't listening.  He mumbled something about Bill Clinton and backstabbing Judases and hung up.

Oh well, I come up with brilliant ideas all that time that nobody pays attention to.  Meantime, something else occurred to me.  If Mitt's going to be in charge of an entire planet, why did he want so badly to be a mere president?

Stupid Rehabilitation

There is no cure for stupidity, but if you're a stupid person, there are things you can to do to help.  Many Recovering Stupids live healthy, happy, productive lives, and so can you.  Try these simple exercises two to three times per week.

Look at this painting for thirty seconds.  Lightly stroke your chin.  Say, "Hmmm."  Repeat three times.













Look at this picture.  Shake your head side to side slowly.  Say, "God, I hate to see a bookstore close."  Repeat once daily.









Look at this picture.  Nod.  Say, "The Bible is a wonderful and profound book, but it is not to be taken literally."  Repeat three times.  When you are more advanced, you may add, "And in some places, it's not even very well written."

Your Free Personality Test Results Are Ready

Thanks for taking our Free Online Personality Test.  Your results are ready; click on the PayPal link below to view them.

Although taking the test is absolutely free, viewing the results will cost you $9.95.

Come on, now, you know you want to.  We've already analyzed your results and we've got them right here and they're very interesting we can tell you.  In fact you'd never guess that you -
Just $9.95 and we'll finish that sentence.  You're dying to know what the next word is, aren't you?  Maybe it's something really, really good.  Maybe it's something terrible.  You'll never know until you fork over that $9.95.

You're only fooling yourself if you think you aren't going to pay for the results, so you might as well get it over with.  We're experts in psychology, and we know all about human behavior from designing psychological profiles like this one.  We know that after spending twenty-five minutes answering questions only to discover you have to pay for the results, you'll cuss a little, but then you'll pony up.  And this is way more accurate than astrology, it is!  This is based on actual scientific data.

And it doesn't tell just who you are, but how others see you.  For example, you don't like raw broccoli.  You already know that because one of the questions was "I like raw broccoli," and the answer you selected was "strongly disagree."  Well, that sort of thing tells experts like us way more than your opinions on uncooked vegetables.  The brain center that determines our preference for raw broccoli correlates to other centers that determine all sorts of things.  Put in layman's terms, there are two types of people in the world, those who like raw broccoli and those who don't.  One of those types is admired and loved by everyone; women want to be with him and men want to be like him.  The other type is a loser that no one laughs at to his face because they're afraid to hurt his feelings, but they constantly laugh behind his back.  Which one are you?  Pay $9.95 and find out.

Thank you for your payment.  Here are your results.

You have a great need for other people to like and admire you. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them. Your sexual adjustment has presented problems for you. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic. Security is one of your major goals in life.

Incredible, right?

Are You as Happy as You Should Be?

This Man Believes He is Happy.
Clearly He is Only Fooling Himself.I read on Wikipedia - and if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true - that extroverts are happier than introverts.  As an introvert, I am not only annoyed by this but unable to vent to a wide circle of friends.  To an American, happiness is the report card of life.  Implying that someone's not as happy as he might be suggests he has a low Happiness Quotient or even that he has some sort of Issue.

(The average Happiness Quotient (HQ) is 100.  Evidently, Oprah has an HQ of 200.  I can't think of any celebrities with a low HQ because we don't allow that here.  Of course, the possibility exists that Oprah might be faking it, but that's another matter.)

You're allowed to be temporarily unhappy - even if you're a celebrity - provided you have an Issue.  Issues include alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, sex addiction, chocolate addiction, divorce, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, AIDS, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, cancer, heart disease, kidney disease, liver disease, concern about human rights, concern about global warming, concern about poverty, concern about animal rights, concern about Body Thetans.

Having an Issue not only legitimates a lowered HQ, it confers social status.  Even Oprah would crease her brow and frown with solicitude when one of her guests had an Issue.  Otherwise, it was all maniacal cheering and giving away cars and stuff.  Magazines also acknowledge this - in fact, editions of magazines are called issues, and frequently issues devote entire issues to celebrities with Issues.  Some celebrities with Issues don't seem to understand what's required of them; Charlie Sheen suffers, allegedly, from drug addiction, alcohol addiction, gambling addiction, and sex addiction, and yet he seems to be enjoying himself.  We do not understand how this is possible; we have an Issue with it.

Fortunately, most celebrities, as well as real people, deal with Issues in a socially acceptable way; they convert them into social status, which in turn raises their Happiness Quotient.  Without this exchange, we would soon fall behind the Chinese, and then where would we be?

But back to Wikipedia's assertion introverts are less happy than extroverts.  As an American, I have a God-given right to be as happy as I want to be 100% of the time, and so I find the Wikipedia article insulting.  I may not effuse happiness from every pore like a lawn sprinkler, but I am extremely content and enjoy my life thoroughly, and have an issue with those who denigrate me because I'm an introvert.  Oh, wait.  I have an Issue.

Thank goodness, I'm okay after all.

Mother Nature is Our First Teacher

Mother Nature,
An Artist's ConceptionI bet you never thought about that, huh?  You probably thought your first teacher was Ms Hussein, but it wasn't.  You had Ms Hussein in the second grade.  In first grade, you had Ms Harper.  But even Ms Harper wasn't your first teacher, because you forgot about kindergarten, didn't you!  I don't remember her name, but there must have been a teacher or somebody - they wouldn't have left you alone to eat all those crayons unsupervised.  And of course, before that, there was your mother.  She wasn't paid to teach you, but she still taught you plenty.  I remember my mother once sitting me down and saying, "I'm about to teach you a lesson you'll never forget."  I don't remember what that lesson was, but I'm sure it was very important.

But even before that, your first teacher was Mother Nature, and she keeps on teaching you your whole life.  When you're a little kid and fall down, she's teaching you about gravity.  That's right.  Bust your nose open on the sidewalk, that'll teach you.  You also learn a little about anatomy and blood, but mostly it's about gravity.  Just last week, I tripped on some steps, and dislocated my shoulder.  Thanks Mother Nature, for reminding me about gravity!

She also teaches about physics.  Like when you wash your hands in the sink, you splash water on your crotch, and it's very embarrassing, but it's a good lesson about the behavior of moving liquids, and Mother Nature never gets tired of teaching it,  That's how Mother Nature is; she makes you do it over and over until you get it right.

Another thing Mother Nature teaches is about trust.  Like she'll have a piece of pie and say, "Feel the heat rising off this pie."  And when you hold your hand over the pie, she'll push your hand down so you get pie goo all between your fingers.  Come to think of it, that wasn't Mother Nature, but my big sister.

The thing with the pie was an important lesson, but Mother Nature is still the first teacher.  Who teaches you if you don't put on mosquito repellent in July, you'll be sorry?  Who teaches you, you better put on sunscreen?  Sure, your wife will remind you, but it's Mother Nature who teaches you.  If you eat five pounds of grapes in one sitting, who teaches you what happens next?  That's right, and it's a useful thing to know.  And as far as the thing with the pie goes, that doesn't come up as often as you might think.

The Five Stages of Baldness

DENIAL: In this stage you simply refuse to face the fact you are losing your hair.  This is the reaction of shock to unacceptable or unbearable news.  "My forehead is getting bigger," you tell yourself.  This, however, is self-deception, and the sooner you own up to it, the better.

ANGER: Once you recognize you are truly going bald, you may feel anger.  This is a normal reaction.  "Why should I look like a balloon with ears," you demand the universe, "when that SOB George Clooney still has all his hair?  If he gave me just half his hair, we'd both have plenty."

BARGAINING: This represents an attempt to regain control.  "If only I'd shampooed more often," you tell yourself, "or less often," or "If only I hadn't fallen under the heat lamp that time."  "If only I'd been born to parents with full heads of hair."

DEPRESSION: When you finally grasp the fact that you are bald and there's not a darn thing you can do about it, you will feel depressed.  Really depressed.  And you should.  Being bald sucks.

ACCEPTANCE: Finally, though, you work your way through to a state resembling serenity, although it's actually just numbness.  You are no longer attractive to the opposite sex, are an object of mild ridicule for everyone around you, and are instantly identifiable even from satelite photographs as someone of laughable insignificance.  Okay, so what, you're bald.  You can live with that.  At this point your teeth will begin to fall out.

Flowchart for Deranged Psycho-Killers

I've been watching old episodes of Dexter on Roku this week.

Feeling Good About Yourself

 As you mature, it becomes harder and harder to feel good about yourself, because, let's face it, you're old.  These tips can help you fight off the inevitable and totally justified feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing that beset you.

POSITIVE SELF TALK: A good mental attitude is half the battle when it comes to fighting off a realistic appraisal of yourself.  Try saying things like, "Don't be a loser!" "Cheer up!" and "When you're dead, none of this will matter anyway."

POSITIVE BODY IMAGE: When you walk by a mirror, be sure to hold your stomach in.  You are holding it in?  Whoa.  Maybe one of those special fun-house mirrors would help.

DEVELOP A HOBBY: If you suck at pretty much everything you do now, maybe it's time to find something new to suck at.  Try woodworking, playing the guitar, bird watching.  Don't worry about the time commitment, because knowing you, you'll give it up in a few days anyway, and there's plenty of room for the woodworking tools, guitar, or binoculars in the accumulated junk lying around your house.  But in the meantime, you can fool yourself into thinking you're accomplishing something.

PAMPER YOURSELF: A nice long, three-hour shower with all your clothes on as you sob can be soothing and rejuvenating.  Stay in bed all day.  Eat a gallon of ice cream straight from the box.  Turn off all the lights, sit in a corner and drink a bottle of red wine all by yourself.

DON'T NEGLECT YOUR FRIENDS: Who's always there for you when times are good?  Your friends.  And who abandons you the one time you really need them?  Your friends.  Those bastards.  It might feel really good to un-friend them on Facebook, but even better to send them angry or even threatening messages until they un-friend you.  Why should you have to do all the work in the relationship?