Man Martin's Blog, page 143

Action Items for Blammo! Candy

Greetings shareholders, as you know Blammo! Candy is in a transitional period from a difficult and challenging time.  I am pleased to say that we continue to make improvements and be proactive in our efforts to remain competitive in the twenty-first century.  This presentation will outline the actions steps we have taken or are taking to steer Blammo! back on track.

1. We have created an appealing mascot for the young generation, Freddy Froot Bat, "I'm batty for Blammos!" an adorable sun-glass-and-leather jacket-wearing cartoon character to represent our product.
2. Freddy will go on a cross-country promotional tour telling young people to say "no" to drugs and unsafe sex, and to be careful around common household items such as broken glass.
3. We have settled lawsuits with customers who claimed they were injured by shards of glass from eating Frooty Blammos candy.
2. We are reducing budget allocated for defense fees by $12 million, which will directly help our bottom line.
3. We have discontinued putting shards of glass in Frooty Blammos as a "flavoring agent."
4. We have updated the label to be more attractive will bright vivid colors, a stylish font - Comic Sans - a picture of Freddy Froot Bat tossing three Frooty Blammos into the air to catch in his mouth, and a bright yellow sticker reading, "Now, without glass shards!"

We believe these action items will return Frooty Blammos to its former popularity alongside Chocolate Blammos with Wood Chips and Taffy Blammos with Metal Shavings.

The Next Selfie

When top NASA scientists first began putting little cameras in cellphones, they never could've imagined that the number one use for those cameras would be taking pictures of ourselves.  Never in the history of photography has this been possible; moreover it never would've occurred to anyone to do it.  Cameras are for taking pictures of the Grand Canyon, or a baby taking its first steps, or other people, for example friends.  If you wanted a picture taken of yourself you had to ask or pay a stranger to do it, and even then only if there were something more interesting in the background, such as the Eiffel Tower.  It was assumed you would only take pictures of things you were really interested in.  Now it turns out, with unlimited picture-taking ability, what we're most interested in is ourselves.

This of course was always true, and we've had a primitive form of selfies called mirrors, but these were very crude by comparison, and even the vainest person could spend no more than half an hour a day in front of one, and for the rest of the time had to look at other people.

It might seem ironic that a device made specifically for communication with others would turn out to be another way to indulge our own self-absorption, but so be it.  Since this is already the case, why not make the most of it?  I have an idea for a new app, which frankly I'm surprised doesn't exist already, called the "Selfie-Talker."  (A sucky name, I know, but I'll let the boys down in marketing come up with a better.)

The idea is simple.  Conventional conversations are perfectly delightful so long as we're talking about ourselves; our allergies, our co-workers, our love-life, etc.  But 50% of the time, we're expected to listen as other people talk about themselves, their allergies, their co-workers, their love-life.  What a bore!  The Selfie-Talker takes all the drudgery out of conversation and leaves nothing but the pleasure.  Simply set it for "Sympathetic" and your phone will murmur a soothing series of "oh, dear," "oh, that's terrible," "no, really?" as your explain about your cat's leukemia or how you rear-ended someone on the way home.  Set it for "Enthusiastic" and you can brag away to your heart's content, as your phone says things like, "wow!" "that's fantastic," and "you must be so stoked!"

Again, as is so often the case in this blog, I offer a million-dollar idea, free of charge to the public, for anyone who will to make his fortune.  My only hope is in some small way, to advance the progress of mankind.

My Secret Identity

If I had this hanging in my closet,
I'd know I was SupermanI believe I may have a secret identity; the problem is, it's so secret even I can't be sure.  I'm reluctant to divulge what my secret identity might be because it may sound like bragging.  But here goes.

I may be Superman.

No, I'm not Clark Kent, and I don't work at the Daily Planet or date Lois Lane.  I don't have a childhood friend who's turned into a bald evil super genius, so far as I know, and I don't have blue tights hanging in my closet with a red cape and a big red S.  If I had those things, I'd be sure I was Superman, and as it is, it's only a hunch.

Sometimes, quite frequently in fact, I'll do something, and someone will say, "What planet are you from?"  Often the person who says this is my wife who knows what planet I'm from, or ought to know.  Sometimes people just give me a look like they wonder what planet I'm from.  Do they suspect?  Is the answer Krypton?

Then there's my superpowers.

What super powers you ask?  And see, I knew you'd ask, which is just one of my superpowers, foretelling the future.  For example, when I'm pouring myself my fifth martini, I'll say, "I'm going to feel like crap tomorrow," and sure enough I do!

I can not only predict the future, I can also predict the past.  Predict is the wrong word, maybe it should be post-dict.  Anyway, let's say I have corn on the cob for supper, the next morning when I use the bathroom, I can tell I had corn on the cob.  I can't explain how I can tell, because there're some superpowers you just don't discuss in public, but I have similar superpowers with asparagus and chili.  My superpowers when it comes to chili are so super, that even Nancy can tell when I've had it the night before.

Then there's my superpower of losing things.  I really have the ability to lose things that far exceeds the normal human.  I can lose my glasses instantly, like I've just set them down, and presto, they're gone.  They will be so lost, I'll have to scout around and find a different pair.  Then I'll lose those!  Later I'll find an entire stack of glasses piled up somewhere nearby.   Perhaps the Kryptonites had to evolve a finely-tuned ability to lose things in order to survive.  Maybe there were a bunch of poison but highly-delicious berries, and if they didn't keep losing them, they'd have eaten them all up and died out.

It's really the only explanation that makes sense.  All my superpowers were evolved to help me live on the planet Krypton.  They certainly don't do much good on earth.

We Are Gathered Here Today

Thank you, Brother Amos, for that comprehensive prayer.  Judging by the sun, that was about five hours, a personal record.  I'm sure God is very pleased that you spent so much time thanking him for stuff and begging forgiveness.

Before we dig into the grub, however, I'd like to say a few words to Squanto and our other guests of the Patuxet tribe who are here with us today.  You have given us food and provisions without which we surely would not have survived a difficult year.  In return, we have brought alcohol, venereal disease, and a voracious appetite for personal property.  You're welcome.

Some people look at us and see only our differences.  You are red, we are white.  We speak English, you speak gibberish.  We are bound for heaven, you will endure the torments of Hell.  I, however, see our similarities.  When it comes right down to it, we both want the same thing in life.  Your property.

Among the Patuxets, each of you does whatever work he is capable of, and whatever you have is shared among you, each person being given as much as he or she needs, down to the smallest and most helpless.  I do not blame you for this, for this exactly what we might have expected of a people without civilization.

In the time remaining before the judgment of Almighty God sweeps you from the face of the earth, I hope you will study our culture and benefit from us.  We work on a simple system of exchange whereby a man may, by his own effort and God's help, acquire as much land, food, cloth, and gold as he is able.  By this means, we encourage maximum productivity because each man works as hard as he is able to get a larger share of these things than his neighbor, and is busily contriving new enticements to get his neighbor to give up some of his own land, food, cloth, and gold.  For us, gold, which is worthless among you except as an ornament, is the most valuable thing of all, because it is the medium of exchange for getting each of those other things, and moreover, the means by which we can compel the envy and servitude of our fellow man, which is the greatest of all God's blessings.  When a Patuxet, eats his fill of venison or whatever, he's rendered useless for anything but sitting around digestion, but with gold, the more you have, the greater your appetite for it.

This is God's way, and for this reason we are destined for dominion over the continent.

But enough of this jawing, let's eat some of these delicious lobsters and blueberries we have spread on the table before us.  And before I forget, we have a little parting gift for you, too.  Some of our number recently succumbed to smallpox, and we've left some of their old blankets and garments in a convenient pile at the edge of the settlement.  Please feel free to take these back to your tribe and share them with your people.

Now let's dig in.

Things I Know Now I Wish I'd Known Then: Mark Childress

Each month an author is invited to hold forth on the above topic. This month, it's Mark Childress. Mark is the author of seven novels, most recently Georgia Bottoms, which is not, as you might think, the name of a place, but a conniving, though good-hearted heroine.

Things I Know Now I Wish I’d Known Then
1. Writing fiction is more fun before you are published. Once you are published, you worry.2. Publication will be the best thing that ever happened to you and also the worst, often both at once.3. Reviews can be helpful, otherwise disregard. 4. The sweetest draft is the second, with all possibilities still shining bright.5. It is done when they pry it from your hands. Not a minute before.

My Ongoing Correspondence with Mrs Zarina Al-Usman: Part IV

                                                                                     Dear
Who is man to question the decision of Allah because we all know that our ways are not Allah’s way.
Secondly, I have decided to compensate you with 15% of the total sum while 5% will be mapped out for any incidental expenses in the cause of transferring the fund into your account.I have also paid the lawyer for his service that means he cannot ask you any money for his fees; all I require of you is sincerity, transparency and honesty in making sure the rest money is implemented strictly on humanitarian.
The reason why I trusted a complete stranger was that my late husband’s relatives embezzled the money we gave them to start this project when my late husband was alive and that was why I have been praying over it for Allah to connect me divinely with anybody that have the spirit of helping the less privileged. Although I had intended contacting another person if I did not hear from you.

I have only few requirements from you namely:-
1. Open a new account and send me the details where I will instruct the bank to transfer the money while you sit back and watch, my reason for not asking for an existing account is that I will not want some mix-up along the line between my money and yours.
2. Send me your detail addresses and, contact Tel/fax numbers.

3. Any valid identification to confirm that you are genuine.
This is my full details for your perusal:-
NEXT OF KIN: - MRS. ZARINA AL-USMAN
RELATIONSHIP:- ONLY WEDDED WIFE
ADDRESS: - COURT DES GRANDE, LOT 621 COCODY ABJ 01
STATE/CITY: - ABIDJAN
COUNTRY: - REPUBLIC OF COTE D’IVOIRE
DATE OF BIRTH: - 11-07-1952
NAME OF DEPOSITOR: - LATE MALLAM ALI M. AL-USMAN
ACCOUNT NAME: - ALI M. AL-USMAN
ACCOUNT NUMBER: - 101-078-75-19
BANK NAME: - FEDERAL SAVINGS BANK
AMOUNT: - TWELVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS

If you have more questions that require clarification, do not fail to ask me before I instruct my nurse to submit your names as my appointed foreign trustee.Sallam,MRS. Zarina Al-Usman

Mrs Al-Usman,

Please, please forgive my long delay in getting back to you. I realize the last time you wrote you were on death's door. I know sometimes disease can wrack the body and yet not take the life, leaving its helpless victim hanging on by a straw and silently begging for the release of death which does not come. I hope this is what's happened for you, because if you've already croaked in the interim, it would be a terrible shame.

The fact is I've been terribly busy on another deal that I have just learned fell through. Perhaps you heard that here in the US, the PowerBall Jackpot reached some six hundred million or so. I'm not very good at math, but it seemed to me that if I bought TEN tickets, that would cover every possible combination and I'd be sure to win. You can imagine my astonishment when the winner was announced and it wasn't me. Apparently, I should have bought at least eleven. That's when I remembered you and your millions.

I think it is very prudent to trust a complete stranger to handle this money, especially given the way your in-laws treated you. After all, if you can't trust a complete stranger you meet on the internet, whom can you trust?  And if anyone dared suspect you were less than honest, your last email surely would have convinced him.  There it says on your bank statement that you have TWELVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS to the penny, and who could want more proof than that?

I have done my best to comply with your three requests - the information you need is below.

1. I tried to set up a new bank account, but when I told the lady at Wells Fargo that I needed it so a lady on the Ivory Coast could transfer 12 Million into it, she gave me a funny look. Then it turns out I can't open an account with less than $100 or I have to pay a special fee. (Maybe she's one of your in-laws, ha-ha.) Between you and me, I don't want my wife finding out about this. She's a wonderful human being, but every time I tell her about a new way to make 12 million on the internet, she puts a stop to it. So what I was thinking, if you could mail me a check for $100, then I could open the account, and you could transfer the rest in, and I'd pay you back the $100 out of that, and you could mail me the $100 back to me because that would have been part of the original 12 million anyway, so all you'd really have to send would be $11,999,900. That makes sense, doesn't it?

2. Certainly, you will need my detail address, so here it is. When you come off 400 North, you want to go East on I 285. (It may actually say South at that point, but in any case, go left.) Then, you get off on the very next exit, which is Ashford Dunwoody. (Actually, come to think of it, I think you have to go right off 400. If you go left and end up hitting Roswell Road, then it was right, and you'll need to get off and go back.) Anyway, like I said, get off on the very next exit, or - if you had to turn right after all, the exit after that, or you'll end up back on 400. Ha-ha. Then go right - I'm definitely sure you go right here. But don't get in the FAR right lane, or you'll end up on Lake Hearn, and you may never find your way out again. Then you turn left at the first stoplight. There may actually be one stop light before that, but if you turn in there it's just an office park and you'll know right away that it isn't where you want to go. So when you turn left under the first or possibly second stoplight - actually the more I think about it, the certainer I am that you'd need to turn right off 400 - there'll be a sign that says Oak Forest Drive, or at least there used to be, some workers took it down while they're repairing the sidewalk, so just look for a spot where you'd expect a sign to say Oak Forest, and if it isn't there, you'll know you're on the right road. If there is a sign saying Oak Forest, I honestly don't know what advice to give you. But we don't live on Oak Forest. Then when you come to a fork in the road, take it. Our house is on the right and there used to be a basketball goal, but there isn't.

I hope this is enough detail for you.  You can't miss it and if you do miss it, Oak Forest is a big circle so you'll come back around again anyway.

3. As far as valid identification, I'm about five foot ten inches tall with a compact, muscular build, and sparkling green eyes. An expression both confident and yet with a secret sadness, a man who has seen much and forgotten little. Usually, whenever I walk into a room, conversation falls silent, and attractive women look over their shoulders to see this mysterious man. If someone's playing a piano, he usually quits until I have a few moments to survey the room. Then I take a step forward, and conversation resumes again.  I assure you I am genuine.

I look forward to getting your check for $100 assuming you are still alive and still rich.

Man

My Ongoing Correspondence with Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman: Part III

I am Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman, I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer .It has defied all forms of medical treatment, and Right now, I have only about a few months to live and I want you to distribute my funds worth Twelve Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars to charities homes in your country.

I have set aside 20% for you and your family so keep this as a secret to yourself because this will be my last wish.

Sallam,
Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman

Ms Al-Usman,

I hestitate to use the word "good news" when you are in such dire straits, but it is good news to hear from you. I had written you but all but given up hope that you would reply. We have a saying in my country, "kicked the bucket," which is exactly what I feared you had done before you could get around to dispensing the dough. By my reckoning, 20% comes to about two million five hundred dollars which should just about cover my legitimate expenses.

Let me know what I must do next.

Man Martin

My Ongoing Correspondence with Zarina Al-Usman Part II

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem


Dear Martin,

As-Salaam Alykum warahmathullahi wabarkathuhu

I am very happy in receiving your message, I believe you might have taken your time in reading and understanding my previous mail before replying me; My only concern is to make sure my promise to Allah is accomplished, that is why as a devoted woman in Islam I want to channel this money through you because I have the believe in my mind that you can help bring this project to reality, Insha Allah.

It might surprise you when you received this message but we all know that our ways are not Allah’s way, and pray that Allah will help strengthen you to use this money in the places of good importance so that the widows and the vulnerable will benefit from it, don’t forget that I am a victim of such circumstance and knows the kind of sufferings and humiliations widows undergo from their late husband’s family members.

Please, you should understand that this benevolence is in fulfillment of the desire and decision I have taken which I am persuaded to actualize, this fund is designated for humanitarian and Charity services with special emphasis on widows, which must be disbursed with every appropriation, accountability and prudence to the glory of Allah, Most Merciful and Most gracious.
I have been staying in the hospital all these days and my health conditions is not in good shape, I have believed in Allah for his wish to be done in my situation because He gives and takes life. Presently I neither walk nor stand with my feet, I move on wheel chair, you can emerging when an old woman of my age is suffering from such severe and serious illness.

Doctors have confirmed long time ago after series of diagnosis that I am suffering from Hypoglycemia (chronic cancer). Please help me thank Sister Angela, she is a wonderful person with good heart, she is the person helping in writing this mail because writing is very difficult for me and if am not allowed to use phone because of my condition.

I want you to take this project very serious and always respond very fast so we can conclude the fund transfer process before entering the theater because I have series of surgeries to undergo.
As soon as hear from I will inform my late husband about my decision to appoint you for this task so that he will give you the necessary legal advice and backup required for a successful wire transfer. I will also inform him to prepare an AUTHORIZATION LETTER for you, that is to legally and officially adopt you as my new beneficiary of the fund, the authorization letter will be submitted to the bank so that bank will release the fund to you, So that even if I am no more, your claim background will not have any doubt. I will send you the certificate of deposit of the fund together with the authorization letter as soon as you are ready.

Thanks and may Allah bless us all.

(Message on behalf of)
Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman

Dear Ms Al-Usman,
I am so glad you were still alive enough to respond to my last email.

Actually, it does not surprise me at all that I should have been selected from billions of people to handle your largess; I am quite certain this sort of thing happens all the time. By the way, and this issue has not quite been settled, exactly how large is the largess we're talking about here. I'm willing to undertake the handling of any sum from 15 million USD all the way down to 7 million USD but I'd like to know in advance where the exact figure falls so I can map out all the charitable good I can do. (Parenthetically, I will say that I myself am an orphan, and just the other day, my wife made a cryptic remark that if I left the toilet seat up one more time, she expected to become a widow, so I think in all justice, a certain amount of the moolah should end up with yours truly, don't you?)

Certain parts of your transmission appear to have been garbled, but part of this is no doubt due to differences in our religious backgrounds. I personally was raised Episcopalian, so I haven't had many dealings with Allah, but he sounds like a real nice guy and someone I'd like to meet. I'm not sure exactly what expressions like warahmathullahi mean, but I assume it's something like "have a nice day" or "good on you." If that is the case, please accept my "back at you" and "akuna-matada" in return.

Finally, and again I apologize for any indelicacy, but your doctors haven't mentioned any words like "brain tumor" or "schizophrenia" in your diagnosis, have they? The reason I bring this up is that you say you'll be getting in touch with your late husband. This is very disturbing. I cannot even tell you how disturbing this is. If it's all the same to you, I'd rather leave our deceased loved ones out of this entirely and keep things between our lawyers and ourselves. I hope you do not consider this narrow-minded, but that's the way we do things here in the states.

Speaking of diagnoses, exactly which hospital are you at? I ask because I take it you are Islamic, but the email you typed was with the assistance of Sister Angela. I'm just wondering, because if you're a Muslim in a Catholic Hospital it's possible, just barely possible, that they're pulling your leg. For example, I'm pretty sure hypoglycemia is not the word for chronic cancer. (I'd keep an eye on Sister Angela, too. Her erratic transcription of your letter may be an attempt at risibility.) I met a kid at Summer Camp named Payton Bridges who was Catholic, and he was a real cut-up, I can tell you. If you're wondering how to tell if your doctors are just ribbing you, or if you actually have a terminal illness, see if you can catch them giggling in the hallway when you think they're not around. Look for squirt flowers in their lab coats.

One of them isn't named Payton or Dr Bridges, is he?

Meanwhile, I look forward to getting the AUTHORIZATION LETTER from your lawyer.

Best wishes,
Man Martin

My Correspondence with Zarina Al-Usman, Part I

(Here is a re-post of an oldie but hopefully goodie.)

I received the following email from a person identifying herself as Zarina Al-Usman.

Dear Chosen One,

My name is Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman, I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago. I have being lying critically ill at the hospital since January 12th, 2010 when I was recently diagnosed with Hypoglycemia.  I am not in the position to disburse these funds myself as a result of my health. I decided to will it to you so you can help me disburse the funds to some charity organization in your country; am helping you, so you can develop the time to disburse these funds on my behalf. I decided to WILL/donate some huge amount which was left over by my late husband; I know for sure you will be surprised if such things still happens, believe me the doctor says my chance of survival is very low.

Arrangements have been made with my attorney on how these funds should be transferred to your account from my bank. The necessary documents have been signed and ascertained. I am in an Intensive ward where I do not have access to receive calls as a result of my health condition. You are to work with my attorney who will assist in these funds transfer to your account. The State taxes have been paid on the day of deposit with the Bank. I will give you the contacts of my lawyer as soon as I hear from you.

Meanwhile you are advised to keep this mail and its contents confidential as I really want my wish accomplish at the end of the day without any of my relatives knowing about these funds, please do Remember me in your prayers as I give you the assurance that this is legal.

Regards,
Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman


Dear Mrs. Al-Usman,

First let me say how terribly sad I was to hear of your illness. To have cancer for two years and then to be diagnosed with hypoglycemia seems a blow too terrible to be borne. Just when you really need a candy bar, not to be able to have one. Thank goodness that while you're unable to make phone calls, you can still get to the Internet, or I might never have heard from you!

I will certainly be happy to disburse your funds to charity for you. Is it strictly required all the funds go to charity? It is indelicate of me to ask this, but I wondered if I might retain some of the money for my own use. My wife and I are considering updating our home entertainment center, and if a few thousand could be spared from providing dairy goats to needy families or whatever, it would be greatly appreciated. I assure you, the pleasure my wife and I would derive from watching NASCAR in high-def 3-D would more than offset any human suffering by some orphan somewhere going without a second helping of goat milk.

Speaking of which, how much money exactly is involved? This is a tricky situation, and again, I don't wish to be indelicate. The fact you can afford all this hospital care and still have spare loot for charity speaks to a fairly sizable pile of cash, but on the other hand - and again, I don't wish to be insulting - your grasp of ordinary English does not suggest you are an alum of one of the most elite private schools in the country.

Also, two years of medical care may have drained the savings account pretty severely, what with the cancer and hypoglycemia and all. It might even be possible, please forgive this speculation, but it's something we have to settle up front, that you are a loony. Did one of your doctors ever use phrases such as "paranoid schizophrenia" "delusional belief systems" or "crazy as a bed bug?"

I am sure these matters are very minor, and can quickly be resolved. In any case, let me know what steps I must take next, and we will proceed.

Hoping you are rich and still not dead,

Man Martin

PS - I see you have addressed me as "Chosen One," which I must admit I find very flattering, but if we're going to work together for your limited remaining time on earth, please don't feel obligated to be so aloof. Feel free to call me just "Chosen," and when we get to know each other a little better, maybe it could be just "Chose" or even "Cho." Certainly there's no need for the formality of Mr. One.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to proceeding on this.

Man Martin

My On-Going Correspondence with the Cotonou Republic Part One

(The following is a re-post of an oldie-but-hopefully goodie)

Dear Dr Ms Marcos:

I am in receipt of your email explaining that you have 18,000,000.00 (eighteen million) US Dollars deposited in a security company in Cotonou Benin republic, and that you wish my assistance donating this money to charity, and furthermore that I should feel free to reimburse myself for any expenses I have distributing this largess.

This is certainly an interesting offer, and I’m all about reimbursing myself; unfortunately, I seem to have accidentally deleted your original email and therefore am attempting to contact you by this means.

I’m not one-hundred percent sure where the Cotonou Benin republic is, but I gather it is a place where English is spoken with a rather free-and-easy indifference to ordinary rules of grammar. For example, it is unusual to refer to oneself as “Dr. Ms.” Usually, if one is addressed as “doctor,” other honorifics, such as “Ms,” “Mrs,” or “Mr,” are omitted. Moreover, in correspondence, one does not normally refer to oneself as “doctor;” rather “MD” is appended after the name for a medical doctor, and “PhD” for a doctor of philosophy.

This is of course a very minor thing, but it is important to make a good impression when dealing with sums of 18,000,000.00 (eighteen million) US Dollars especially for a medical professional or possibly a doctor of philosophy. I read that you were also President and CEO of CON Oil International. I am not familiar with the company, but I assume it has something either to do with petroleum or possibly canola and explains your tremendous wealth; clearly CON Oil has high standards to accept nothing less than an MD or possibly PhD for its CEO.

Another small point, and I do want to get back to the subject of my reimbursement, is faulty parallelism. You stated that you wish to help “orphans in orphanages/motherless homes/humanitarians.” To start with, commas are more commonly used instead of slashes, but again, this is a trifling matter. Although redundant, it makes sturdy sense to help orphans in orphanages, but “motherless homes” implies the presence of a father, in which case, the children involved are not true orphans. You see the problem? And then, the “huminatarians” part implies that in your country, humanitarians swallow orphans whole. You certainly don’t want to imply that, do you? (Ha, ha.)

As I said, these are very small matters, and the intent of your email was certainly clear enough. I feel almost ashamed for quibbling with your grammar, but again, if we are going to work together, it’s vital you present yourself in the best possible light. I also apologize for deleting your email. I hope this message will reach you, and that I can be of assistance distributing your fortune to worthy orphans in return for only a reasonable reimbursement to compensate me for my efforts.