Pam Laricchia's Blog, page 43

EU001: What is Unschooling?

In this introductory episode, I share my vision for the podcast, an overview of my unschooling journey, and my evolving definition of unschooling.

Quote of the Week 

“It is a miracle that curiosity survives a formal education.” ~ Albert Einstein

Episode Highlights

The Exploring Unschooling podcast will have new episodes weekly, and my goal is for us to explore unschooling together, through in-depth interviews with veteran unschooling parents, conversations that dig into a wide range of unschooling topics with experienced guests, and monthly Q&A episodes to answer your questions.
My school background and finding unschooling almost 14 years ago.
What my children are up to now.
How my definition of unschooling has changed over the years.
How unschooling doesn’t look like school at all.

If you’d like to submit a question for an upcoming Q&A episode, just go to livingjoyfully.ca/podcast.

The Joys of 2015 and Looking Ahead

I love this time of year, not just the holidays, but the feeling of transition that accompanies turning the calendar to a fresh year. It inspires me to take some time to look back in appreciation, and forward in anticipation. Delicious!

This year I made time to dive into something that’s intrigued me for a few years: the hero’s journey. From January to June, each week on my blog I tackled a stage of Joseph Campbell’s classic monomyth, writing about what I learned in the context of the unschooling journey. (It starts here.) I really enjoyed the process and learned a lot, both about the journey concept itself, and more specifically about my own unschooling journey. I loved it.

The latter half of the year found me fascinated with the many glimpses of unschooling ideas I found “out in the wild.” Like: in Big Magic, a book about creativity by Elizabeth Gilbert; in an interview of Brené Brown on “The Tim Ferriss Show” podcast; in the fiction book The Humans, by Matt Haig; in Todd Henry’s book, Louder Than Words; in Maria Popova’s contribution to the 2014 Future of Storytelling Summit which she shared on her Brain Pickings website; in The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner; in Pamela Slim’s Body of Work. Many of these sightings I shared on my Living Joyfully facebook page.

And as I write that, it occurs to me that it’s all part of my journey as well, yet another step deeper in seeing how the ordinary world and the unschooling world weave together, because there’s really only one world. I see how these last six months have built on the six months before it. Taking time to look back really does help me appreciate my days in the bigger picture.

Another idea that has solidified for me in the last couple of months is the Exploring Unschooling podcast. I’d been rolling the idea around in my mind for a couple of years, but this time it gained momentum. I have come to appreciate podcasting as a valuable medium for sharing information and experience. As my unschooling journey has matured, in the last couple of years I’ve thrown myself into the beginning stages of my writer’s journey. And I’ve noticed that the bulk of my learning and growth has come through books and podcasts.

I have come to enjoy the deeper connection I feel with authors who share their thoughts and experience through podcasting, though the thought of podcasting myself scared the crap out of me. But lately, I’ve started to feel up for the challenge. And I’m feeling drawn to connecting with unschooling parents through a new medium, especially as my book writing picks up speed. Not to mention, in my day-to-day life, I love to chat with people about unschooling! There are two subjects right now that light me up like a roaring, summer bonfire: unschooling and stories. So something that felt interesting but overwhelming just a few months ago, now feels super exciting.

This whole process has been another reminder, again, that things develop in their own time and that patience is often my best friend. No matter how much I wanted to be an experienced unschooling parent in my first year, I wasn’t one. I couldn’t be one. Even if I did much the same things as it appeared they did, I wasn’t doing them from the same place, with the same depth of understanding and perspective. I didn’t deeply know why I was doing those things. And I’m finding the same thing on my writing journey. But actively seeking solid information that is a few steps ahead of me keeps me moving forward and being challenged at the edge of my knowledge and skill, where heaps of learning happens.

For example, similar to my unschooling journey, there are things I did this year that earlier in my writing journey I had encountered through more experienced writers and thought, well, I won’t be doing that. Like putting my box set on sale and advertising it. Before, I thought that seemed manipulative (for me—it was okay when other people did it), but now that I more deeply understand the relationship between author and reader, I see both the business advantages and the way to reach new readers who would truly like to find information about unschooling. I’m not manipulating. I’m not begging. I’m putting stuff out for people to find. Breadcrumbs. Joy. Fun.

So, some things I’m look forward to in 2016 …

The launch of the weekly Exploring Unschooling podcast in January. Each episode will be available on my website, and/or you’ll be able to subscribe through the regular podcast feeds. I will continue to write on the blog, but as things come up that I want to write about, rather than on a schedule.

The release of THE BOOK! The unschooling book I’ve been working on for more than two years. It’s been through three complete re-organizations as I figure out what I really want to say. I also think my writing skills needed to catch up to where my brain wanted to go. I’ve started and stopped writing it twice, but this time feels really good. Here’s hoping that’s why!

I’m also working on a book about the unschooling journey that I’m really excited about. I was approached by a friend who is deeply knowledgeable about mythology and Joseph Campbell’s work and we’re working together to expand and extend the work I originally did on the blog. It’s shaping up beautifully! I’m quite sure we’ll be able to release it next year as well.

And, I’m going to dive into fiction! That may be less interesting to you, but I’ve included it for completeness. Haha. True to form, I have immersed myself in learning about the craft of storytelling for quite a while now. I dipped my toe in, completing NaNoWriMo a couple of years ago, and joining a local writer’s group for a year or so. I feel like I’ve been cocooning in the belly of the whale stage of this journey for a while now, and I’m ready to leave the departure phase and jump in with both feet!

And of course, weaving through all this, is the amazing time I spend connecting with my children and hubby, supporting them as they pursue their interests and goals. And them supporting me! With all its ups and downs, its speedy straightaways and slow curvy parts, it all adds up to an interesting life.

Unschooling for the win.

 

Fun and Games in Our Unschooling Lives

I love this time of year because there’s an extra focus on fun!

Granted, as we dove deeply into the unschooling lifestyle, we didn’t wait for holidays to pick up things the kids were interested in because we wanted them to be able to continue pursuing fun and learning when their interest was high, rather than insisting they wait until the next arbitrary holiday. Though that wasn’t a hard and fast rule either—there weren’t really any of those. Sometimes what they were interested in was more expensive and we needed time to save up. Other times they were interested in something, but it wasn’t an immediate need, so they said, “let’s put this on my list!”

Our living and learning lifestyle also meant that I kept an eye out for new things that I thought they might really enjoy—I still do that! And depending on what’s going on, maybe I bring it into our lives in the moment, or maybe I save it as a surprise for the next celebration. I love making the choices that work for us.

With the holiday season upon us, I’m reminded how much I’ve always loved hearing about the things other unschooling families have enjoyed and contemplating whether we might enjoy them as well. So I thought I’d share some of our well-loved fun and games, in case they might bring some fun and joy into your lives!

Please note that I’ve tried to make things a bit easier by including links, some of which are affiliate links. That means, at no cost to you, I make a small amount of money if you click through. If you’d rather not, please feel free to go the sites yourself and search for the item directly. No worries!

And if you have any family favourites, please share in the comments! It’d be great to have big pile of fun here for unschooling parents to browse whenever they’re looking to bring something new into their children’s lives.

~~~

Bananagrams—If you’ve been reading around here for a while, you’ve probably seen me mention Bananagrams. It’s kinda like Scrabble, but you build your own crossword and there are no turns, so you just keep working away. Lissy and I really enjoy playing as we connect and chat about things, but the game can be enjoyed even as just a set of letters to play with. Kids might enjoy lining up letters and getting you to try to pronounce their “words.” Or you could use them to play with rhyming words. Or everyone could work together to make one big crossword. I recently saw there’s also a Jumbo Bananagrams version!

Jenga—This has been a recent addition to our game-playing repertoire.

Labyrinth—Michael and I enjoyed playing this card game for a couple of years when he was younger, and then a couple of months ago Lissy came home for a visit and mentioned she had played Labyrinth recently and enjoyed it, but it was a board game! (Don’t tell her, I’ve picked up the board game version for us to play when she’s home for the holidays.)

We’ve also had lots of fun over the years with these card games: Set (patterns), Quiddler (words), and Five Crowns (rummy-style).

Dominoes—When we want to play with people who prefer number games to word games, this is what we often grab or bring.

Whoonu—A fun game where you try guess other players’ favourite things. We play with newer friends to help get to know them better!

Rush Hour—We had many hours of fun figuring out how to escape traffic jams, and took advantage of the additional puzzle card packs you can buy. I just saw there’s Rush Hour Jr. version now too.

Monopoly—Michael loved Monopoly and over the years he has collected a number of editions: classic, Pokemon, Nintendo, The Simpsons, and The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror. And the app—can’t forget the app. Great for in the car.

Life—This is the board game the kids most often bring out to play with friends because it’s shorter than a game of Monopoly. We have The Simpsons edition, so it has the additional fun of referencing Homer’s antics!

Taboo—A really fun word guessing game where you try to get your team members to say a word, but without saying certain words that are listed on the card—because they are taboo! (That word has now lost all meaning.)

Scruples—A game of moral dilemmas. It’s not my favourite, but as teens the kids have had a lot of fun playing it with friends.

Fluxx—I picked this up last holidays for us to try and we really enjoyed it! The rules change along with the game play itself, so sometimes you think you’re behind and in the next minute you’ve won the game! LOL!

Clue—a classic game we played a LOT when the kids were younger. I was always fascinated with how Michael could win by keeping all the clues in his head—he wasn’t yet reading and didn’t want anyone to mark things for him. One year I also picked up a Harry Potter version, Mystery at Hogwarts, which has been our go to version ever since. (I’m checking that these games are still available and getting up-to-date links, and I just discovered there are some fun new editions: Doctor Who, Supernatural, and Big Band Theory!)

Apples to Apples—This game got a lot of play too for a while. I remember one summer visit to my mom’s house, along with their cousins. One evening we all played until my mom and I were exhausted and went off to bed. The five kids stayed up for hours longer and managed to play all the cards in the deck! Good times.

When I got my own Nintendo DS, the kids and I loved playing Animal Crossing together. We’d cheer each other on as we caught rare fish and bugs and filled our museums, visit each others’ towns, give each other items, and play on all the holidays to collect the special items. Animal Crossing: New Leaf is the latest version and we’ve had great fun with the addition of the island!

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is also a family favourite DS game that got passed around between us all! You play as Phoenix and help him find clues, interrogate witnesses and suspects, and then represent the defendant in court. “Objection!” So much fun! I remember one summer their cousins were visiting for a few days and they created their own live Phoenix Wright case and acted it out for me—it’s was great!

I remember one year when the kids were younger, we spent a good chunk of time playing a wonderful puzzle game called Logical Journey of the Zoombinis—I just looked it up, it was released in 1996. We made such great memories that earlier this year I backed their Kickstarter campaign to update it for current technology and re-release it—and it funded! The updated version, now just called Zoombinis, was recently released on on Steam, so you too can have fun honing your problem solving skills with your children.

Mario Party—it’s Mario Party 10 for the Wii U now! I think we have every one in the series, except maybe the first. It’s our go to family video game, and I’m pretty sure we’ll play a round or two over the holidays this year. I am not known for my gaming reflexes or speed (ha!), so my favourite Mario Party moment came a couple of years ago when a mini game came up where to win, you had to be the first one to lose. And I won! I mean lost! So I won! LOL! We laughed for a long time.

And, if you’re looking for a more complex game, for months now Michael has really been enjoying Kerbal Space Program.

The point is, have fun!!

And again, if you have any family favourites you think others might enjoy, please share in the comments!

Book review: Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

Creative Living Beyond Fear

As we dive more and more deeply into our unschooling lives, we come to treasure creativity. And to see it everywhere! Not only in the creative arts themselves, but also in our children’s fresh way of thinking and their approach to even seemingly mundane tasks—it’s a way of looking at life.

In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert’s moving manifesto on creativity, she dives deep into this concept of living creatively.

I’m talking about living a life that is driven more strongly by curiosity than by fear.

Sound familiar?

As parents, the process of moving to unschooling is so often about working through our fears of going against the grain as we dive deep into the conventional wisdom of learning, parenting, and living and discover it wanting. And in those depths we unearth a much more basic and human motivator: curiosity.

Choosing not to follow the strict and generalized learning path of curriculum, unschooling parents take care to nurture their children’s curiosity. What fascinates them? What do they have fun doing? What questions are they asking? Actively engaging with their curiosity creates a personalized and in-depth learning path that curriculum developers can only dream of.

And by giving our children the space and time—the freedom—to follow their curiosity, we are implicitly showing them the value of trying things out. That their thoughts and ideas are worthy of exploration, which Gilbert describes as feeling entitled, or empowered, to try things. This idea is so unconventional that she takes the time to qualify it:

I recognize that the word entitlement has dreadfully negative connotations, but I’d like to appropriate it here and put it to good use, because you will never be able to create anything interesting out of your life if you don’t believe that you’re entitled to at least try.

Through unschooling we discover that trying things out and seeing where they might lead is fundamental to living an engaged and spirited life.

Gilbert also digs into our fears more deeply. She shares some great insight from an interview she did with musician Tom Waits for GQ magazine.

Over the years, Tom Waits finally found his sense of permission to deal with his creativity more lightly—without so much drama, without so much fear. A lot of this lightness, Waits said, came from watching his children grow up and seeing their total freedom of creative expression. […] through watching his children create so freely, Waits had an epiphany: It wasn’t actually that big a deal. He told me, “I realized that, as a songwriter, the only thing I really do is make jewelry for the inside of other people’s minds.

It reminded me, again, how much we learn about life from our unschooling children. How much I have learned from my children. And still do!

But still, sometimes it’s easier to run away, rather than doing the work to move through our fears.

My favorite meditation teacher, Pema Chödrön, once said that the biggest problem she sees with people’s meditation practice is that they quit just when things are starting to get interesting. Which is to say, they quit as soon as things aren’t easy anymore, as soon as it gets painful, or boring, or agitating. They quit as soon as they see something in their minds that scares them or hurts them.

That’s one of the many gifts of unschooling: time. The time to sit with our discomfort. The time to help our children sit with their discomfort and eventually discover the riches that can be found on the other side. The newfound interest after weeks of unsettled boredom. The newly developed skill after hundreds of attempts. The new level of ease in an environment attained only after a number of nervous encounters. Supporting our children through these times helps them gain invaluable experience that will last a lifetime.

Speaking of bigger picture life learning, Gilbert goes there too.

My soul, when I tend to it, is a far more expansive and fascinating source of guidance than my ego will ever be, because my soul desires only one thing: wonder.

Wonder! Curiosity’s soul mate. So many of us find that the unschooling journey reaches into our soul, helping us and our children grow more deeply into the people we truly want to be, and growing far beyond the surface of academic learning and testing and grades.

There’s a famous question that shows up, it seems, in every single self-help book ever written: What would you do if you knew that you could not fail? But I’ve always seen it differently. I think the fiercest question of all is this one: What would you do even if you knew that you might very well fail?

Unschooling is all about exploring this question. With the freedom and support to follow their interests and passions, to quit things when they no longer mesh with their interests or goals, our children find the things that they’ll persistently pursue, even through the most challenging moments. In other words, the things they’ll do even if they might fail.

Big Magic and its focus on living creatively, touches on so many aspects of the unschooling lifestyle. To learn through living is to live creatively! I really enjoyed the book and connecting her creativity dots (which have come from her perspective as an artist) to my creativity dots (which have come from living the unschooling lifestyle with my children). Those connections have made my world a bit bigger.

One thing that has struck me lately, is how a number of recent and culturally popular books look at how, as adults, we can undo the damage that our conventional upbringing has wrought, like excavating and celebrating our long buried curiosity and creativity (Big Magic), and moving past judgment and shame to live wholeheartedly (Brené Brown’s Rising Strong).

That’s great, but where’s the conversation about not doing this damage in the first place?

In unschooling circles.

With unschooling, we recognize the deep, negative impact of using judgment and shame as parenting tools, and the value of nurturing curiosity and creativity. We are choosing to parent in ways that value and empower these skills and perspectives from the get go.

With unschooling, we start with the fundamental notion that children are people too.

Full stop.

 

Book review: Unschooling Dads, edited by Skyler J. Collins

Twenty-two Testimonials on Their Unconventional Approach to Education

Unschooling Dads is a collection of twenty-two testimonials by dads—and prospective dads—sharing their ideas and experiences around unschooling.

Why did they choose unschooling?

How does it work?

What does it look like?

It’s not often that we get to hear about unschooling from the dad’s perspective, and I love that Skyler has taken the time and effort to pull this book together. He’s gathered a wonderful range of views as well, from men who have yet to have children to those whose unschooled children are now adults. Each of them share the insights that have brought them to this point in their unconventional journey.

Prospective Unschooling Dads

Gregory Diehl is an entrepreneur in Malaysia who, though he has yet to have children of his own, is fascinated with the way our world rears children. After exploring the topic for years, here’s how he sees a father’s role:

In my mind, the role of a father is to give his children the physical, intellectual, and emotional tools they will need to live in the world. Beyond basic survival skills, they should be empowered to forge a path unique to their own passions. The good parent walks a fine line between watching over them, without actively inhibiting their exploration of the world.

Parrish Miller is web designer who discovered unschooling through a deep interest in philosophy, focused on alternative ideas. He was educated at home, though through a formal correspondence-style program. He describes why unschooling makes sense to him this way:

To me, it’s the obvious answer to one of life’s greatest questions: How do I give my children a better world than I inherited? What better way than to give them the freedom to be unique individuals who can learn and grow and thrive in a world that isn’t built to control them, but to aid them in their pursuit of happiness. That’s the world I want to give my children. That’s the reason why I choose unschooling.

Junior Unschooling Dads

I love Danilo Cuellar’s insight into seeing children as real people from the start:

I have come to realize that children are not blank slates on which we must feverishly imprint our needs, wants, and desires lest they go through life stupid, barren, and destitute. Rather I now view them as unique and exceptional individuals with their own needs, wants, and desires entirely independent of my own.

Art Carden describes unschooling, not as hands off, but as an engaged life we live with our children.

Unschooling isn’t easy—far from it. You’re talking about a lot of trips to the library, and a lot of time spent answering questions with what are too often unsatisfying answers (”son, we can’t do that because it requires computer programming I don’t know how to do”). The reward, though, is worth it. You get to see your children not as projects or as chunks of raw material that need to be fashioned into cogs for the social machine. You start to see them as apprentices and partners on an exploration of a wide and wild world and universe. It’s a lot more fun than spelling worksheets, and I suspect the rewards will be a lot greater, too.

And Rob Nielson talks about being a living example for his children of how living and learning weave together—it’s not “do as I say, not as I do.”

As part of showing that learning is just a natural part of a healthy life, I continue to pursue goals of my own, such as learning languages, organizing and building things, reading and writing regularly, playing music, and much more. My ultimate goal is that my children will be able to live independently and pursue truth and happiness in a lifestyle of their choosing. I will always be a part of empowering that whether my children live under my roof or not.

Skyler himself also contributed an essay, and I love how this quote captures the essence of the unschooling journey. When we first come to unschooling, usually we’re most concerned about how our children will learn if they don’t follow a curriculum. Yet as we dive into unschooling, over time we see them learning day in and day out and that fear fades.

Then, as we look back, we realize that there’s a pattern to their learning: the times we see them learning like crazy are most often the times when they are pursuing things that bring them joy. There may be challenges and frustrations along the way, but they will press on with a determination that astonishes us. Soon we stop looking for the learning, and concentrate on the joy—we know the learning is wrapped up in there as sure as the earth turns.

Skyler captures this beautifully:

My wife’s reluctance has faded quite a bit now that she’s witnessing our children’s joy. For me, that’s the primary focus of unschooling: helping our children live as joyfully as possible. Everything else will naturally follow from that. As long as our children are happy, they will have confidence in themselves that they can achieve anything they want to in life. I truly believe that, and unschooling is the better vehicle toward living joyfully than any schooling-based alternative.

Senior Unschooling Dads

David Friedman’s contribution is actually an essay he wrote about unschooling back in 2007, and his light-hearted description of unschooling and rebuttal to those concerned about gaps in their learning is spot on:

We concluded that the proper approach for our children was unschooling, which I like to describe as throwing books at them and seeing which ones stick. Leave them free to learn what they want, while providing suggestions—which they are free to ignore—and support. Put them in an environment—web access, people to talk with, visits to the library—that offers many alternatives. If, at some future point, they discover that they need something that was left out of their education, they can learn it then—a more efficient strategy than trying to learn everything they might ever find useful, most of which they won’t.

And I love Thomas Knapp’s simple summary:

By the time they were 12 and 10 respectively, we had segued naturally into unschooling. The difference was dramatic and demonstrated to us that kids will learn and learn and learn … if their parents and the state will just get the hell out of the way and let them.

Unschooling Dads is an engaging peek into what unschooling looks like from the dad’s perspective. It’s one we don’t often hear about, though they are active participants in many unschooling families. I really appreciate Skyler taking the time to seek them out and bring their insights and experiences together!

If you’d like to read it, you can download the free ebook editions here: Unschooling Dads: Twenty-two Testimonials on Their Unconventional Approach to Education.

And you can buy the print edition here: Amazon.

 

Book review: Homeschooled Teens by Sue Patterson

75 young people speak about their lives without school

Sue’s recently published book is a fascinating look at the lives of homeschooled teens. I found reading the candid observations and insights shared by these 75 teens and young adults a rather mesmerizing experience. Answers are at times blunt, expressive, and introspective—in other words, they are as full of life as their writers.

Remember, many of the respondents aren’t specifically interested in the philosophy of unschooling, so the answers can sometimes be raw snapshots where we’re left to connect them to our bigger picture understanding of unschooling. I love that Sue does some of this by including her own insights into their answers, bringing more depth to the conversation.

The respondents ranged in age from 15 to 29+ and about half identified as unschoolers. The various homeschooling styles add a richness to the 2011 snapshot of the thirty question survey, which covered such diverse topics as learning, social life, sports, hobbies, employment, family life, college, future plans, and more.

What did Sue discover when she asked about the advantages of homeschooling?

Our unconventionally educated respondents were asked about the advantages they experienced as compared to their schooled friends. I asked them to think about some of the troubles they were able to avoid, simply because they learned at home and some of their answers might surprise you. But invariably, they reported tremendous advantages because of being homeschooled and they fall into six categories:

They have a happier approach to learning.
They’ve been exposed to real world opportunities.
They have the freedom to make choices.
They’ve been able to avoid unnecessary stress.
Their socialization opportunities are better.
They have better influences.

She goes on to share some of the detailed answers, like this one from Wendelyn, age 34, about the happier approach to learning she has experienced:

I have noticed when I talk to people that had traditional schooling, they have a difficult time thinking outside the box—almost as if there is no other way to do things than the way it was done with them. People expect you had specific training, degrees or schooling when you do something well. I also see that there are few people who continue to learn and grow as an adult. They seem to have the mentality that they learned everything they need to know through school and don’t need to continue once they were done. They also feel like school is the only place you can learn efficiently. I try to be open minded, and continue to seek experiences, people and literature that will help me become a better person.

And this insight about the freedom of homeschooling from Alyssa H, age 17:

When I look at my friends who go to school I notice that they never really have time to do what they want… they don’t get to read what they want or chase after their dreams. They get up, go to school, come home do homework, go to bed, and then do it all over again. I am able to study what I want and do all sorts of things that other kids will never get to do.

What did Sue discover about sibling relationships in homeschooling families?

It’s not unusual for families who send their kids off to school to have children who don’t get along that well. Arbitrary age/grade level divisions and excessive competition can easily become obstacles for creating empathy between siblings or developing positive relationships. While homeschooling is not a panacea for all sibling discord, spending more time together allows everyone the opportunity to create the type of environment where these relationships can be nurtured.

That’s not to say that homeschooling families are immune to squabbling or typical sibling disagreements. They are, however, able to have more adult input on solving some of the problems that arise. There is motivation to get along with the people who you spend all day with, so homeschoolers are inspired to work things out. Also, since there is more time for parental attention, there is less impetus for sibling rivalry. Home becomes a safe venue where siblings can practice arguing without falling apart or without undue influence from peers who may not be any better at interpersonal communication than they are!

Her survey found that many homeschooled teens had good relationships with their siblings:

Strained relationship with siblings: 3%

A “normal” or “typical” sibling relationship: 16%

A good relationship with siblings: 81%

And 96% of the respondents reported being very happy with their parent relationships.

Katie F, age 24, shared,

I love my parents! They were my facilitators in learning, and taught me a love of learning without lessons—just by virtue of them being genuinely excited to find new things to know. It was wonderful to know they always had an ear for listening or an answer for my questions.

And Jackson, age 21, explained,

My relationship with my parents is pretty darn good! I love the conversations we have, the support I get from them, and the choices they made in raising me. They’re both very strong, intelligent people, and yet they say they’ve learned as much from me as I from them. Most importantly, there is a sense of mutual respect between us, rather than the one-sided respect that is too often seen with authoritarian parents.

It was also interesting to see that 10% of those taking the survey are now parents themselves. Rebecca, age 39, answered Sue’s question about what they’re doing in their lives this way:

I homeschool my children using an interest-led, unschooling approach. I spend my time actively and joyfully facilitating their interests and helping them achieve their goals as well as passionately sharing my own interests with them. I also work part time at a group home for troubled teenage boys, help my mother-in-law out with her tax business during tax season and do whatever odd jobs come my way to help make ends meet… i.e. pay for all my kids’ sports-related activities! Things that make me happy: my family; my children; spending time with them; living life together; talking and laughing with them; seeing them happy; watching them passionately pursue their interests and goals, seeing how focused and intense they can be. And cheesecake. Cheesecake makes me really happy.

Homeschooled Teens is an engrossing look into the minds and hearts of the “unconventionally educated,” and a great addition to the unschooling-related books available.

You can find out more about the book at Sue’s website, suepatterson.com.

Trusting Themselves

Another remarkable outcome of growing up unschooling is our children’s trust in themselves.

To help them develop trust in themselves is to show them that you trust them.

Your understanding of your child grows as your relationship deepens. Actions that your child took before that you didn’t understand, now make sense to you as you see more clearly their personality, their interests, and how their mind works. Over time, you come to see that, even if you would make different choices in their shoes, their choices make good sense for them.

And once that piece firmly clicks into place—that you and your children are different people, each having your own unique perspectives on things, and their’s is not wrong, just different—your trust in them will deepen.

As unschooling parents, our goal is not to choose the attitudes and approaches we want our children to take and insist they adopt them through teaching and expectations. It’s to help them explore the perspectives that work best for them. And, in time, your child will feel this fundamental paradigm shift to trust through your actions, your attitude, and your words. This seemingly subtle internal shift is a significant moment in your relationship.

To allow them to own their experiences is priceless.

Michael on a solo 8 mile hike at Sam’s Point.

While as unschooling parents we actively support our children, it’s important to regularly take a moment to check in with ourselves to see if our support is overstepping their needs. In our excitement, we can sometimes inadvertently take over their experience (or is that just me?), making it more about us and less about them.

Yes, sometimes it’s nice to surprise them with something we’ve done to help their plans along, but sometimes it’s also good to ask if they’d like our help before we dive in. This is all part of the dance of relationships. It’s not always going to go smoothly, but it’s important to pay attention to the clues. So if you look up and find yourself belly dancing with gusto while your child is intently trying to master a new hip-hop move, it’s probably time to regroup and get back in step. You’re partners—don’t try to lead for too long.

When we notice a disconnect, it’s worthwhile to ask ourselves if our efforts are designed to help them, say, move through some uneasiness they’re feeling, and they appreciate us taking the lead for a while. Or, whether our efforts are more about us wanting this thing happen, maybe to ease some anxiety we are feeling. That lovely self-awareness I wrote about recently is valuable for us too.

Our children learn the most when we help them accomplish what they want to accomplish. If we push past that into “what we want them to accomplish,” they will be learning more about us than about themselves. Turns out we own that experience, not them. And if this happens with any regularity, the message we’re sending is that we don’t trust them to figure out and move through their days.

But if we can mostly stay in the role of (dance) partner or facilitator, the experience will be theirs. They will pursue their interests, make choices, live the results, and incorporate what they learn from those experiences into their lives. And, I’ve found that, rather unsurprisingly, they develop a sense of responsibility for their actions, because they own the experiences.

I had a reminder of this just last weekend when I dropped Michael off at an organized camp. It’s getting rather cold around here at night and the packing list included a coat. We got there and it turned out he had brought his hoodie and lined windbreaker, but not a coat. I would have brought a coat, but he’s not me. We chatted, and his choice made sense. I offered my coat, which he politely declined. I faltered for a moment, part of me worried about being judged by the camp organizers as an uncaring parent for bringing him without a coat. When I shared that, he smiled and replied, if they thought that, that was their problem. Thanks for the reminder, Michael!

Whether it’s a coat, or a new activity, or their first solo trip, the opportunity to be responsible for the outcomes of their choices allows them to develop a deep, knowing trust in themselves.

(And, of course, I picked him up Sunday alive, unfrozen, and having thoroughly enjoyed the weekend.)

For those who’ve grown up unschooling, this trust in themselves plays out as self-confidence and creativity.

Growing up unschooling, as young adults our children already have a lot of life experience to draw on. They’ve made many choices over the years, owned the outcomes, and more than likely worked through quite a few situations where things went unexpectedly. And during it all, they have been given the space to discover that they can count on themselves to figure things out.

They trust themselves. They have confidence in themselves. And they feel even more confident knowing we have their back if ever needed.

They value the freedom to make their own choices, they take responsibility for them, understand themselves intimately, and want things to go well, while anticipating possible hiccups. This means they make solid choices—certainly at least as often as we do.

And bonus, having grown up in a supportive environment where judgment and shame weren’t regularly used to confine their actions to the box of convention, their creativity has survived as well. They can definitely make some pretty creative choices!

And, in my experience, those choices work out a lot more often than my old conventional self would have ever imagined.

***

Want to read more about trust and unschooling?

Ways to Build Trust in Each Other — In my experience, a trusting relationship with my children is the backbone of our unschooling lives. And that trust goes both ways: my trust in them, and their trust in me. Developing this deep level of trust doesn’t happen overnight—it is built over time and through experience. Let’s talk about some of the ways we can work to build relationships steeped in trust.

The Meaning of Trust — For many conventional parents, “trusting their children” means believing that their children will follow their rules when the parents aren’t around to oversee their actions: if they don’t consistently follow the rules of their own volition, they can’t be trusted. Using that yardstick to measure trust, along with the conventional wisdom that teens will rebel against parental rules, I can see why they’d think me naive to say I trust my teens. Without rules to measure against, what does trust mean to unschoolers?

 

Developing Self-Awareness

Another remarkable outcome of growing up unschooling is our children’s level of self-awareness.

To help them understand themselves is to show them that their needs, thoughts, and feelings are important.

Even if we need to slow down so we can pay close attention to their words and body language.

Even if their wishes change widely and often.

Even if we need to be open to shifting gears and figuring out a new path forward.

Even if it stretches our comfort zones.

Unschooling parents see great value in actively helping our children become aware of their thoughts, behaviours, and fears.

That awareness helps them understand themselves better—both intellectually and emotionally. And is a great starting point as they explore the kind of person they want to be. They also learn that this isn’t a one-time thing. This introspective process is ongoing throughout our lives because circumstances change, and we change and grow as a person.

As unschooling parents we lead by example, sharing as we strive to understand why we do the things we do, to get comfortable challenging our beliefs, and to keep an open mind. Our children see us learning and shifting and growing—in other words, living.

To give them the space and support to choose their own actions is priceless.

Inner Adult, Lissy Elle

Conventionally, there’s a yardstick of “normal” actions and behaviours that parents and teachers are subtly trying to guide children toward, often using tools such as judgment and shame. Judgment pours the adult’s expectations deep into the mixture, making it much harder for children to suss out how they feel about the situation, as opposed to how they are “supposed” to feel. Shaming children (and adults) for their seeming shortcomings or mistakes mostly just encourages them to distance themselves from those moments, rather than understand and learn from them.

Just as giving them the space and support to explore their interests helps unschooling children cultivate their curiosity, the space and support to explore themselves helps them better understand how they tick and the ways they enjoy engaging with the world.

What makes them shine? What brings them satisfaction? Help them follow their curiosity, choose something to do (an action), and see how it goes (a result). And note—this doesn’t mean they’ll always choose easy things. People who’ve grown up unschooling don’t shy away from challenges. They know the delight and gratification that comes from accomplishing a difficult task, and they are more willing to attempt something ambitious because they didn’t grow up being judged negatively when things didn’t work out as expected.

“Didn’t work out as expected” is not just a way of avoiding saying “I made a mistake.” When learning is as intricately connected with living as it is with unschooling, it’s hard to imagine an outcome as being definitively “wrong.” If things don’t work out, we celebrate the effort, commiserate over the outcome, help our children process the situation to learn what they can from the experience, and encourage them to try again, or try something new.

I recently heard Jonathan Fields, founder of Good Life Project, on a podcast describing this perspective. He was asked about the biggest mistake he’s ever made and here’s what he had to say:

What’s interesting is I really don’t look at almost anything in the frame of a mistake. So I’m going to reframe that question in my mind which is where’s an incident where my expectations ended up being radically different from the reality in a way that I didn’t want to happen. Because to me, no matter what, as long as I look at that, and I deconstruct it, and I learn from it, actually it’s a great thing to move forward with.

Another thing to consider when giving our children the space and support to follow their interests is that their choice may be to quit something. And that’s okay. If our overall goal is to help them learn more about themselves (rather than to learn about a particular thing), choosing to quit fits the bill nicely. Maybe it wasn’t what they were expecting. Maybe their interest has faded. Maybe the atmosphere wasn’t a good fit. Regardless, greater self-awareness is the result.

For those who’ve grown up unschooling, self-awareness plays out as better personal choices and increased empathy for others.

The value of self-awareness is found not only personally, but also in their relationships with others.

Personally, when they understand themselves well, they are able to make better choices moving forward. As they evaluate potential choices and opportunities, their assessment of the pros and cons is more accurate, allowing them to seek out activities and work environments that better mesh with their interests and their personalities.

In addition, their understanding—and acceptance—of the changing nature of life means they aren’t expecting things to stay the same indefinitely. And because they aren’t worried their choices may being seen as “wrong,” they feel more free to change up their course along the way. They are regularly re-evaluating their circumstances, interests, and goals.

Growing up in an unschooling family, they understand that different people have different goals and perspectives, and they bring that awareness with them into their extended relationships with friends and colleagues. They appreciate the value of seeing situations through the perspectives of others and working together with them—empathy. They are experienced at digging into situations and differing viewpoints to discover their essence, and brainstorming ways to move forward that meet the goals of both the group and the people involved.

Self-awareness is a valuable skill for day-to-day living.

And giving our children the time and space for introspection, and our active support as they process what they discover, is a valuable part of our unschooling work.

***

Want to explore more? Here’s some related reading:

Choosing to Quit — Children who have the freedom to explore a variety of things and discard those that don’t catch their prolonged interest do not feel like failures when they choose to drop something. Instead they see it as another experience from which to learn a little bit about something, and a lot about themselves.

Unschooling Doesn’t Have Report Cards — There is so much valuable learning about themselves that is never measured on report cards.

Seeing Learning in the Quiet Moments — It can be a soothing, repetitive activity that doesn’t take a lot of concentration. Something relaxing and familiar, where their mind can wander. If you ask what they’re up to, maybe they say, “just thinking.” But they’re just as apt to say “nothing.” And our society doesn’t look kindly upon those moments. They use words like lazy and apathetic. Again, they’re seeing the surface, not the rich soil being cultivated underneath.

Staying Curious

One of the most beautiful outcomes of growing up unschooling is that our children haven’t lost their curiosity about the world.

To keep their curiosity alive is to show them that their questions are important.

Even if it feels like the hundredth question we’ve answered in the last hour.

Even if sometimes we choose to keep quiet when (we think) we know the answer. I qualify that because the question they first voice may not be exactly the one in their mind—they’re still sorting that out, if we give them the space to do so.

Even if it’s messy. Figuring things out often is! We show them their process is valuable by not complaining about that. Why is our pile of books okay, but their pile of Lego is not? If it’s really an issue, we can help them figure out another way, rather than grinding their curiosity to a halt by insisting things are put away on our schedule, not theirs. (For example, we built a large table, at their height, with raised edges, for ongoing Lego play. Creative solutions.)

Even if … whatever!

To give them the space and support to explore their own questions is priceless.

It’s how they discover the deep satisfaction and joy inherent in learning new things. It’s how they discover that they can figure things out on their own. How they learn to trust themselves.

Over time they’ll also discover that you really never know what treasures you might uncover when you first set out. How many times have you started down one path only to soon find a branching trail you didn’t know existed? It’s the exhilaration of curiosity: You just never know what might be around the corner.

That’s what comes to mind when I hear the opening lines from one of my favourite MCR songs:

There might be something outside your window

But you just never know

There could be something right past the turnpike gates

But you’ll just never know

It revs my curiosity dial up to ten every time.

Where might the road lead? Are you curious to find out?

Now, I’m not saying that children who go to school are destined to lose their curiosity, but the odds are stacked against them.

The conventional educational system is designed around not only providing answers immediately, but telling children which questions to ask in the first place. It’s called curriculum. Some teachers may try, but it’s hard to veer very far off that course.

When kids ask their questions at school, they’re often told, “that’s not on the test,” or “we’ll cover that later.” And at home, once homework and extracurricular activities are done, they have precious little time to dive into the things they are personally curious about. What they learn from their day-to-day reality is that their individual questions really aren’t very important. That they aren’t capable of choosing good questions to ask.

The pull of curiosity weakens each time they aren’t given the opportunity to ask a question and see where it leads. And as they get older, they are so busy doing what’s been put on their plate that there’s little room to even wonder what they might be curious about!

Poof. Snuffed out.

However.

For those who’ve grown up unschooling, this curiosity plays out as an almost boundless zest for life.

Things actually continue to catch their interest, and they pursue them with delight to see where they might lead. They are often up to something interesting, and conversations with them go fascinating and unexpected places. (Take a moment to realize that actively following their interests doesn’t mean they need to often be out and about.)

So, if we want to cultivate a healthy level of curiosity in our unschooling children, we’d better want to cultivate it in ourselves too. We’re just as worthy of that joy! The unschooling lifestyle of living and learning is for the family, not just the children.

Yet many of us who grew up steeped in the conventional approach to life have probably developed an attitude best described as jaded indifference. In that mood, it’s hard to rekindle that fire of curiosity. Not impossible though. It’s like a weak pilot light inside of us, flickering. Waiting for us to fuel it with a question of our own making, hoping to burn in earnest as we seek out answers.

It needn’t be an earth-shattering question. Nor part of some big, passionate interest—that’s way too much pressure.

Just quiet things down for a while and listen.

Last week I asked myself a little question about a (new to me) TV show I’ve been enjoying the last few weeks. A quick Internet search and a half hour later I’ve learned they film in Toronto (that’s near me), and one of the stars grew up around here. And he’s engaged to one of the recent guest stars (work is a great way to meet people with similar interests—I met my husband at work). I also learned he enjoys photography and has been taking behind the scenes shots to share a fuller picture of what goes into the creating show—there were some really spectacular images. And I learned when the show comes back from its mid-season break, which was my initial question.

In that short time, I created a bunch of new connections—photography, geography, filming, love, work, story, characters, people—expanding and understanding my world a bit more, and I’ve given myself more points of reference to creatively draw upon in the future. And I had fun! (If you’re curious, the show is Suits.)

Being curious, asking questions, no matter how seemingly inconsequential, opens up our world. It’s a beautiful place.

And helping our children maintain their bubbling curiosity within a conventional society whose norms work systematically to dampen it, is a valuable part of our unschooling work.

Have fun!

***

Want to read more about curiosity?

Nurturing Curiosity — Human beings are wired to be curious. From the youngest age, children are driven to explore the world around them and figure out how it works. And then they can walk and life starts to get messier than just a dirty diaper. A child’s insatiable curiosity to engage with life doesn’t fade, unless the adults in the child’s life actively discourage it.

Excavating Our Curiosity — As curious adults, we exemplify the joy of digging into things we don’t yet know or understand. When your child comes to you to share their excitement over figuring out something new in their game or how they fixed their toy, your connection with them isn’t just over “cool, you did it!” but a deeper, stronger connection surrounding the joy of discovering new knowledge or skills. And that doesn’t happen unless you are discovering new stuff too.

Unschooling Means Spending Time with Your Children — Unschooling parents spend their days actively engaged with their children: playing games, answering questions, finding supplies, researching interests, exploring the community, bringing interesting bits of the world to their attention etc. And sometimes just quietly being with them. Does the thought of that fill you with anticipation or dread?

 

Power-Based Living Can Curb Our Children’s Compassion

Now let’s look at the challenge of trying to see things from our child’s perspective. As part of our deschooling journey, we want to see their learning in action, and to see it in everything they do. That will be much more difficult if we aren’t able to see the things they do through their eyes.

This is a rather unconventional approach to our days because typically children are expected to fit into their parents’ lives; it’s the parent’s perspective that is important.

But with unschooling, instead of using the power inherent in being an adult to control our children’s actions, we choose to shift away from power as a tool and support our children’s exploration of the world around them. And in this environment, not only do they learn more about the world, they also see a living example of the ways in which people can work together to reach everyone’s goals.

That’s one of the big paradigm shifts on the deschooling journey: that the goals of every family member are important, and they aren’t in competition. The learning is rampant when everyone works together to find a way to meet everyone’s goals! And not just our children’s learning—ours too. Family relationships feel more like a team where everyone is in support of each other, rather than a group of related people whose goals are met in descending order of the power they hold.

When our children see us sincerely considering their perspective, their goals, and their input, they come to trust us. To trust that we will actively help them. And as they get older, they more naturally come to consider the perspectives of others when situations arise. In considering the needs of others, they are developing compassion and empathy.

Think of the flip side. If the relationship tools they see in action are power-based ones of control, then those are the ones they’ll naturally reach for as they get older—that’s what they know. They will try to exert power over anyone they can: younger, smaller etc.

So conventionally, we treat children one way (subordinate), yet expect them to grow up to behave another (compassionate). But how do we expect them to learn how to treat others with compassion and consideration if they don’t experience it regularly themselves? They need to see it in action to learn how it’s done.

Our society has a deep reverence for adults. And conversely, they underestimate children. I know that replacing the power paradigm of conventional parent-child relationships, can be a big challenge. But it’s definitely worth it!

Children are wonderful—and capable—people.

And unschooling allows them to shine beautifully.

***

More reading about family relationships …

A Family of Individuals — Let’s look at how, though it may seem counter-intuitive at first, fully supporting and celebrating the individuals in the family better fosters a long-term atmosphere of joy and harmony.

Five Unconventional Ideas About Relationships With Teens — Everyone wins with strong, connected, respectful relationships. Conventionally, relationships with teens are painted as either/or: either you focus on maintaining authority (tough love) or you avoid challenges altogether (let them run wild). Yet unschooling families have found the beauty of living inside the spectrum of those extremes. In this post I look at some of the ways unschooling parents view relationships differently and what that can look like in the teen years.

Exploring Relationships — Relationships are a fundamental piece of the being human puzzle. Conventionally, parents have one way of relating to their friends and colleagues, and another way of relating to their children. The beauty of the relationships developed in unschooling families is that we don’t treat people differently based on their age, so what our children learn about relationships growing up will always be helpful.