Pam Laricchia's Blog, page 45

Freedom to Live: Embracing the Flow of Life

Here we are!

Can I just take a moment to say it makes me smile how closely the name of this final stage aligns with the title of my second book, Free to Live? That’s the one about living unschooling where I delve into the four lifestyle characteristics that I found had the most positive impact on our unschooling. Those fundamental characteristics continue to weave through our days, even as unschooling and living have become synonymous.

And one of the most meaningful realizations I’ve had along the way is that we—humans, children and adults alike—are always growing and changing. We see it in our children and, as our self-awareness grows, we recognize it in ourselves. I love how Campbell describes this:

The hero is the champion of things becoming, not of things become, because he is. He does not mistake apparent changelessness in time for the permanence of Being, nor is he fearful of the next moment (or of the “other thing”), as destroying the permanent with its change. (The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell, p. 209)

Defying Gravity, Lissy Elle Laricchia

We are always “becoming.” Growing and changing. Living and learning.

It seems the one constant in life is change.

As I wrote that, it felt familiar so I did a quick search and found “the only thing constant in life is change,” attributed to François de la Rochefoucauld. He lived in the 1600s. Campbell first published this treatise on the monomyth of the hero’s journey in 1949. This feels like a foundational idea about the human experience, regardless of the era in which you live.

Before we embarked on our unschooling journey, reading those words would have probably sparked a sinking feeling in our gut, indicative of a generalized fear or worry about the future. Oh no, what’s going to happen next? Don’t we always assume the worst?

But as we come to appreciate change as our lifelong bedfellow, we begin to see choices shining everywhere. Releasing our fear of not knowing where change may lead feels like a weight has been lifted. Possibilities start to bubble up from our depths. Wow!

One of the cool things I’ve found over the years is that this refreshing perspective really frees me up to fully engage in the moment. Even challenging moments feel less paralysing because I realize their transience. Able to breathe, I can more easily find that moment, that beat, between action and reaction where I can see the bigger picture and use it to light my path, to see the possibilities.

The freedom to live—fully live in each moment—grows as we stop holding onto it so tightly. We know in the depths of our soul that life flows. Through both calm and turbulent waters. Sometimes we’re the rock being polished and sometimes we’re the leaf bobbing gently on the surface. We can be both. Whatever the circumstances call us to be.

And what’s even more beautiful is that we begin to recognize this flow of life in others. We more clearly see the stage they are at on their journeys. We feel less judgemental, and more compassionate. Their choices, their actions and reactions, say more about where they are on their journey, than they do about us and ours. Our journeys are our own.

This is so freeing when we’re and about! We can be ourselves. Our upbeat attitude carries a spark of our joy into the ordinary world. We are, in Campbell’s words, living our bliss. When you and your family are out in the world (whether in person or online) you are a shining example, even without words, that there are other possibilities and perspectives besides the daily, conventional grind of life.

And if anyone is genuinely curious, I bet you’re happy to answer questions and chat about your experiences.

So what are the fundamental characteristics we’ve developed and/or strengthened on our unschooling journey that help us embrace the flow of life?

I think these are some of the important ones—

We’re comfortable in our own shoes/with ourselves, regardless of how others see us.
We’re comfortable making choices, and open to where they may lead.
Because we aren’t attached to the outcome, our sense of self isn’t riding on what happens next. We feel centred.
We are patient, giving things time to unfold. We know there may be possibilities we have yet to envision.
We know we will always have more to learn. We will change and grow.

I can see my entire unschooling journey in these five words: Unschooling is learning is living.

And that living is beautiful. It’s active and engaged. Powerful and compassionate.

That is the freedom to live.

Your journey

If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “freedom to live” stage to get you started:

1. Does the adage “the only thing constant in life is change” ring true for you?

2. What additional characteristics have you developed on your unschooling journey that help you embrace change and the flow of life?

3. If you have an unschooling blog, or instagram feed, or another online tool for sharing glimpses of the unschooling days on your journey, please feel free to leave a link! Let’s see your shining examples of living joyfully with unschooling.

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

The ultimate boon: Unschooling with confidence and grace.

Return phase of the journey

Refusal of the return: Will we choose to step back out of our unschooling bubble?

The magic flight: Finding a safe place in the ordinary world.

Rescue from without: When the ordinary world comes knocking.

The crossing of the return threshold: Integrating your new perspective into everyday life.

Master of the two worlds: Seeing possibilities everywhere.

Master of the Two Worlds: Seeing Possibilities Everywhere

We’ve talked a lot lately about the two worlds—the unschooling/unconventional world and the conventional world—and how, in the return phase of our journey, we’re working to knit them together.

Freedom to pass back and forth across the world division, from the perspective of the apparitions of time to that of the causal deep and back—not contaminating the principles of the one with those of the other, yet permitting the mind to know the one by virtue of the other—is the talent of the master. (p. 196, The Man with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell)

At this stage on my journey I found it helpful to envision these two worlds as a spiritual/inner world and the material/outer world. Bringing the two worlds together was—is—about achieving an easy flow between them. Or, in Campbell’s words, the “freedom to pass back and forth.”

One of the challenges is that we can get caught up in thinking of the inner world as more meaningful and the outer world as more banal. Yet as I explored the crossover between them more deeply, I found ways to bring my inner perspective into my outer world interactions and I was amazed at how different things looked! I realized that my views on life and living had changed so fundamentally that it changed how I approached every moment. In both worlds.

Everything seemed both more mundane and more wonderful.

Here’s an example. Something as mundane as tidying up a room is no longer a philosophical struggle against what else “more productive” I could be doing with my time. Nor do I worry about what “message it might send to the kids.” With no expectations of myself or others, I finally felt free to choose—and in that freedom I discovered that, for me, the choice is really about the possibilities. What might unfold on the fresh canvas of a tidy room? Newly invigorated children’s play? Relaxed adult conversation? Engaged family play, adults and children sharing the stage? Me relaxing on the couch with tea and a story?

And to boost the fun factor (since I’m no longer feeling put upon and grumbling), sometimes I listen to music or audiobooks or podcasts, and other times I quietly let my thoughts wander, feeling almost meditative in the repetitive physical motions. I’ve been graced with some great insights in those moments. So I’ve hit both joy in the moment and the possibility of joy in the future. It’s hard to lose in that situation!

I was delighted to find the spiritual world mingling easily with the material world. It turns out, the everyday tasks of life are not frustratingly mundane; there is such beauty in them when I’m open to it.

Let’s try another example—the other way this time—starting with something that sits at the spiritual core of unschooling: learning.

Let’s Play Pretend, Lissy Elle

With unschooling, we have come to realize that there is learning in everything our children do. As we watch our children in action we can practically see their minds at work, the sparks of connections flashing across their face as they try this piece of the puzzle and that, searching out that one piece that will so satisfyingly fall into place.

Yet, if we look at that moment through conventional eyes, we see that they are “just” doing a puzzle.

At the heart of one of the most beautiful and spiritual tasks of being human—learning—so often lies the most ordinary of things. A puzzle. An insect. A TV show. A star in the sky.

Passing back and forth between the two worlds no longer seems so intimidating.

We discover that these worlds enhance, rather than contaminate, each other.

Here’s how Campbell describes the personal growth that has brought us to this stage of our journey:

The individual, through prolonged psychological disciplines, gives up completely all attachment to his personal limitations, idiosyncrasies, hopes and fears, no longer resists the self-annihilation that is prerequisite to rebirth in the realization of truth, and so becomes ripe, at last, for the great at-one-ment. (p. 204-5)

It’s a great description!

No longer feeling driven to define ourselves by our personal traits—our limitations and idiosyncrasies—we feel free to stretch ourselves and explore beyond our comfort zones, and at other times to say “no thanks,” without judging either choice as “good” or “bad.” Both are what worked for that moment.

Moving beyond our hopes (i.e. expectations) and fears, we can more clearly see ourselves, our children, and our choices.

And “no longer resists the self-annihilation that is prerequisite to rebirth in the realization of truth” is a succinct way of saying that we realize now that it’s not about giving in or giving up but about releasing our tight grip on our need to control things, allowing us to start fresh and be open to the many possibilities that are truly present in each moment.

And that brings us full circle to the stories above. The possibilities that are opened up by our seemingly tedious tasks—like tidying a room. The possibilities for play and learning and joy that are inherent in the most ordinary things.

Now when we look around we see possibilities everywhere.

And “the great at-one-ment?” With our newfound perspective, we see both the beauty in our material world and the ordinary in our spiritual world. It’s all so compelling! And soon we find ourselves comfortably flowing between them.

They truly are one world, full of possibilities.

Your journey

If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “master of the two worlds” stage to get you started:

1. Have you found dropping your need to control things has helped you move more seamlessly between the worlds?

2. Has your new perspective on living and learning helped you see more possibilities in each moment?

3. How do you find joy in the more mundane tasks of living?

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

The ultimate boon: Unschooling with confidence and grace.

Return phase of the journey

Refusal of the return: Will we choose to step back out of our unschooling bubble?

The magic flight: Finding a safe place in the ordinary world.

Rescue from without: When the ordinary world comes knocking.

The crossing of the return threshold: Integrating your new perspective into everyday life.

Interview: Vicky’s Unschooling Journey

The Bennison family at the beach!
A bit about you …

Name?

Victoria Young Bennison

Location?

Welland, Ontario

What does your family look like?

Our family includes myself, my husband Dave, our two children, D.J. and Jessie (who are technically no longer children), two very pleasant dogs, and a cat with attitude.

This morning our dining room table is covered with bits and pieces of wand bag material. I need to finish 40 more of these before Niagara Falls Comic Con in two weeks. We know our son, who turns 22 next month, will be returning home from Michigan soon. He’s been a highway transport driver for almost a year, and his luggage, computer, and coolers will soon be resting by the door. There are a few empty containers drying on the counter of our tidied kitchen. It wasn’t tidy last night, but I often wake up to such gifts from our 20 year old daughter. She finds it easier to work on her art through the night and has been adding to the pieces that she will be selling, beside her father’s work, at the upcoming Con. Dave and I are working on a new template for our business cards.

Officially, our kids are past unschooling age, but everything I see this morning is directly related to the years we spent doing so.

The departure phase of your journey …

How did you first hear about unschooling? What spurred you to begin exploring unschooling for your family?

I had worked in a daycare earlier in my life and had decided that, if I ever had children, there would always be a parent as one of their primary caregivers. In the very beginning that involved Dave working days and me working nights, but that was not an ideal situation because Dave and I never saw each other.

We then decided that I would stay home with the kids, but that meant Dave would need to bring in more money. So we started an investigation as to what his interests were, and what work was available in those areas. One of the things he was interested in was truck driving, and studies showed that there would be a shortage of skilled drivers in that field in 10 years. So, it made the top of the list. But truck driving meant he would be away from home, and us. The solution was that the kids and I would travel with him. And so we began to learn the location of every play park that had parking for a truck? every restaurant that had a playland, and every hotel that had a swimming pool. We developed a vast collection of books on tape, puppets (a truck seat makes a great puppet theater) etc. We were already learning to incorporate our children, and their needs, into the real world, and we were happy. But then it started, “You won’t be able to do this when they start school!” The solution was that they wouldn’t go to school.

We had already looked into homeschooling and met others that were doing it, but something still wasn’t quite right for me. When asking D.J. if he wanted to learn his letters, he would say, “No. What are Aztec Mud Gods for?” He always had PBS playing in the background, and when the kid’s shows went off at noon, he just kept listening.

“But D.J. you have to learn your letters for school.”

“I don’t want to go to school.” was his reply. And we would go to the library, because we didn’t have a computer at the time, and amazingly enough … I had no idea what an Aztec Mud God was for. ?)

People having choices has always been important to me, but didn’t he have to learn his letters at five? This was a little more complicated than asking him if he wanted cereal or eggs for breakfast, or letting him choose when breakfast would be because he was busy drawing a book about trucks. (After all, no one would have stopped Einstein from his work because it was time for toast. Would they?) Once again, we didn’t have a computer … living in the country meant we didn’t even have cable, so I couldn’t just google. And then a solution came.

It was a Tuesday. As often happened, Dave was home during the week instead of the weekend, and he was building a snowman with D.J. and Jessie. I looked out the window and thought, if D.J. starts school in the fall he will miss doing this with his Dad, and if Jessie starts the next fall, they are going to miss doing it together. It turned out to be a lucky thing that D.J. always left PBS playing in the background, because at that precise moment an interview came on with a woman who was discussing how her homeschooled children were learning naturally by following their interests. She also mentioned John Holt, and the Ontario Federation of Teaching Parents. I ordered material from OFTP to check on the legalities, I read every John Holt book I could find in the library, and, since it was February, I ignored all those school signs saying, “Register your child for kindergarten.”

We closed our eyes and jumped.

Were there any fears you needed to overcome initially?

I think that with any form of parenting there are fears. The difference is that choosing school over unschooling seems to offer you certain guarantees about a successful future … a certainty to alleviate those fears. So, I took some time to observe the world around me, and noticed that those guarantees of what society tends to see as a successful future, weren’t exactly working out in all cases. And besides … I had already been questioning society’s idea of a successful future in my life.

But still, because I didn’t have internet, John Holt only took me so far, and the only homeschooling groups in our area were very structured and conservative, I maintained a certain feeling that reading needed to happen at a certain time. On occasion, I would try to encourage it … and on some of those occasions that encouragement took an excessively pushy tone. But then it occurred to me that forcing someone to use their brain in a way that they didn’t want to was no different than forcing someone to use their body in a way that they didn’t want to. And that my pushy encouragement was really an attack driven by my needs, and facilitated by my power. It was the image I needed to stop pushing, stop prodding, and stop attacking … until we moved, got internet, and found the Unschooling Bulletin Board.

Did family and/or friends try to discourage you from setting out on your unschooling journey?

We had already made some decisions in our life that people had questioned, without resulting in our changing those decisions. So, I think there was probably a sense of “there’s no point” developed.

But there was some worry about socialization, and since it was something that I too was concerned about, I already had our solutions in place. D.J. was starting Beavers in the fall? Jessie was in dance class? there were homeschooling groups, and library club. So, those worries were quickly pushed away.

The initiation phase of the journey …

What were some of your favourite ways to learn more about unschooling? Did you prefer to read about other’s experiences or ask questions directly? Meet up with other unschooling families in person?

I loved learning about unschooling through other people’s stories. Reading these online allowed me to sit with them a while, and really get to know the ideas they presented. It also gave me the practical ideas … the daily stuff that I don’t feel I would have gotten anywhere else … like learning to read through gaming. And when I did find myself with a group of unschoolers, it gave us an immediate reference for discussion as to how these things may or may not be implemented in our lives.

But most importantly it showed me a world where other people allowed their children to have choices and I learned that I was not alone.

What allies did you discover along the way? What did you find helpful?

People who are passionate about what they are doing and willing to share it with kindness, regardless of whether they are strangers or part of our life, have always been allies. Even if they were only allies for a moment. Here are a few examples:

The people who worked at our local historical sites and noticed that the kids were showing up at all the special events. They asked questions about our life, and that allowed us more freedom to ask about theirs. Understanding how much work, and loving interest, went into setting up displays, finding artifacts etc. gave Jessie and D.J. a bonus appreciation and respect for what they were seeing. Their friends did this! Of course, the extra little helpings of historical food (as D.J. would call ginger snaps and hot cider at the time), more time in costumes, and a few extra puppet patterns didn’t hurt either. ?)

The waitresses that added a few extra gummy worms on their pudding, or told them how wonderful they were because they always said please and thank you, showed them that politeness has its benefits.

The artists that first inspired Jessie at festivals, and events, and then talked to her about their creative journeys.

My husband’s employer: Allowing our family to travel with Dave gave us the ability to sample some of the world that we may not have been able to afford otherwise. It also gave D.J. a chance to realize how much he really loved being in the truck.

Later, when D.J. decided that he too wanted a career in trucking, the fact that Dave had worked his way up to trainer meant he could be his son’s first instructor. And the little boy who never wanted to go to school had a full time job with benefits without ever having to go.

Gaming: Yes, there were days when I bit my tongue until it hurt … when I wanted to say, “I think that is enough.” But the pain was worth it, because every moment they played, they were learning something. For example:

D.J.’s job involves receiving written directions on a satellite (a quest), finding destinations on a map, and watching the world through the truck’s windshield (the computer screen) for any obstacles. He has commented that his years of playing WOW have had a very positive effect on his progress this year. Also, that first person shooter games have trained his eyes to see pedestrians … even when they seem camouflaged on those difficult foggy, and dusky days. Oh, and there was Euro Truck Simulator … hours on Euro Truck Simulator.

Of course, he has other duties like dealing with customs, delivering on time, and the list goes on, but that is covered with my next allies.

My kids: They know what they want, and they also know that they may have to face some challenges to get there.

D.J. found out that they had dropped the age for trucking from 23 to 21 just shortly before his 21st birthday. And he went from barely driving the car, to his AZ licence, to his first instruction with his dad, to highway training with another instructor, to orientation, to his first solo run—in three months. He has spent his first winter on the road without incident, and has dealt with minor incidents, such as flat tires, admirably. I have been inspired by his ability to do this, and share it in case others, who may be wondering about an unschooler’s future, may be inspired as well.

Jessie knew that she wanted a vending booth at the Hamilton Pagan Harvest Festival the first year she visited it. And that brings me to my next ally … Stick to the Story.

Stick to the Story: During the year between our first visit to the Hamilton Pagan Harvest Festival and the next, we magically fell into a little business called Stick to the Story (Facebook page). This business involved Dave crafting staffs and me writing stories that were pieced together by the wood, stones, or symbols he would use in that crafting. And since Jessie wanted a booth at the Pagan Festival, Dave decided we should have one. This was in July, and the festival was in September. I was somewhat overwhelmed.

You see, I had decided that each staff needed to be different, and it needed its own story, because each person’s journey would be different, and they would have their own story. (Yes, the unschooling mom was coming out in me.) But Dave said, “We can do this,” and Jessie was excited … so, we did it. And because we did it, she was able to spend a whole day floating from booth to booth, and meeting all kinds of people who had chosen their own way to celebrate, and create for, the autumn. It was the next step for the once little girl who would draw pictures of happy people for hours, and watch cartoons over and over again.

Later, people would ask us if we had made money, and we would look at each other confused, and ask, “Were we suppose to?” I know at some point I thought that it would be a great way to show the kids that you can make anything work, but that’s all I was really expecting to get from the experience. However, we did make money, and got so much more.

Stick to the Story was a chance for the kids to interact with others in a business setting. It led to D.J. having a flea market booth while he was waiting to start truck driving, and once again it gave Jess a chance to meet so many passionate, creative, people, with so many different beliefs and lifestyles that she once told me, “I don’t understand what people mean by fitting into society. There are so many different societies, that you just have to find the one that fits you.” And I believe that’s exactly what she did … find one of the societies that fit her.

My Husband Dave, as well as the theory of multiple intelligences: Dave came into our relationship saying “You should want to do things, not have to do things.” And he is constantly doing things, without giving any prior warning. Yes, I do mean warning … because I tend to like a little notice when it comes to change. He is my balance, but I wouldn’t appreciate that if I didn’t understand how different types of thinkers work in different ways. I wouldn’t know that my thinking and his doing are the perfect combination. Not that I never do, and he never thinks, but you understand. ?)

When I would doubt, he would believe.

And watching D.J. begin his career allows me to see how much more amazing it was that his father fit us into his own beginning … keeping a family, as well as a load, safe. How difficult it might have been when we didn’t travel with him to come home to a wife with two toddlers and little outside support while he was gone … when he just wanted to rest.

The Unschooling Bulletin Board: Of course!

And so many more, that I can’t possibly name them all. When you learn from the world, the world becomes your ally. Even when it makes you angry, or frustrated, it helps you to understand that it may be time for some changes, some solutions that will lead you closer to happiness. And eventually those moments of anger and frustration will grow smaller until they disappear.

How did you build trust in unschooling? Did you find that observing your children seeing unschooling in action helped?

I always believed in unschooling. I knew that I learned more from going camping, visiting an interesting place, or reading a book that I really wanted to read, than I ever did in class. It was myself … my ability to do the things that I needed to do when I needed to do them, that I doubted. That trust did come with time. And each time it did … each time I felt a sense of relief, a tear would escape, and I knew I was moving in the right direction.

Moving to unschooling often sparks a deeper, more spiritual, journey. In my experience one aspect of that is questioning the value of judging things and experiences as ‘good/bad’ or ‘right/wrong’, and how that relates to learning in the bigger picture. Can you share an experience or two where you came to see things you used to judge as “bad” in a new light.

Even though I had put aside my worries about the kids spelling correctly, and using punctuation, it seems I did not put aside my worries when it came to other people in the house. The kids had found spell check, began using capitals, periods etc. over time, but their father, who did not care for such things, didn’t. He can pull a date out of history quickly, he can create things out of nothing, and most importantly he can support a family of four for over 20 years, but when he wants to say something, he is just going to say it the way he wants to.

This was never a problem until we started the Stick to the Story’s facebook page, and I decided that a business page should be a little more professional … which apparently, in my mind, meant trying your best to spell things correctly, and use at least a few capitals.

I started by correcting him. (Yes, I am aware of how obnoxious that is, but I was driven by an inner force that embarrasses me more now than any spelling mistake could.) He began making more mistakes and, knowing my husband, I don’t believe they were accidental. ?) I then started editing his posts after he posted them. I hoped he wouldn’t notice, but he noticed … and he wasn’t happy. Luckily, the world stepped in, and I began observing other things besides those mistakes.

I heard stories from people with absolutely brilliant ideas and insights, who wouldn’t share them with the world because they were afraid that someone might comment on their spelling or grammar. I saw how their ability to communicate was being stifled by others. And I’ve always believed that if people aren’t allowed to communicate their thoughts, those thoughts can get stuck inside like ketchup in a bottle, and we all know what happens when that bottle is finally tapped … it’s a mess. I didn’t want a mess with my husband. And I didn’t want to stifle his communication.

I have walked away from posting on Stick to the Story’s facebook page, and left it completely up to Dave. And there’s a reason for that … aside from harmony in our marriage. First, he’s never received a comment from anyone about the way he writes (apparently, people are too busy seeing what he says with his art to bother), and, most importantly, because there may be someone out there who is afraid to share their ideas because of the way they write and it might help them think, “well if he can do it…”

I also began to observe the many other ways, besides writing, in which people communicate. Yes, I’ve always understood that art was a form of communication, but there was a direct line of understanding developing between Dave’s staffs, my stories, and later D.J.’s music and Jessie’s pictures, that had me wondering how much I actually miss by predominantly using words? how much society actually misses by predominantly using words. Maybe words aren’t the best way to communicate at all. I’m still considering this one.

The return phase of your journey …

What, for you, was the most valuable thing to come from your journey to unschooling?

This evening our kitchen has been turned into a salon. My hair has been trimmed by Jessie, and dyed by Dave. I’m sitting in the living room with D.J., whose hair has also been trimmed, and his girlfriend, Ariel, who is visiting from Missouri and travelling with him in the truck. I see Dave and Jessie highlighted by the ceiling light … they are balancing Jessie’s need not to have her scalp burned, and Dave’s need to get the colour on every strand. They pull out the instructions and start to read. I feel a tear slip from the corner of my eye.

This is what is most valuable? this night when trust, and confidence, in self and each other is demonstrated through the simple act of hair design? this night when the joy my son felt growing up is shown through his decision to keep living that life? and this night that allows my daughter and husband to communicate peacefully. This night is most valuable, and last night was most valuable, and tomorrow … Our life is most valuable.

 *****

A Child’s Voice Walking Stick

Creation is a funny thing,

sometimes it flows? sometimes it doesn’t.

Knowledge isn’t always wise,

the facts can change? it’s all about perspective.

On this day, Magician, found

he needed help, a little assistance.

He took a child’s book from the shelf,

laying it down, he started to remember.

His house had once been filled with colours,

magical worlds, created by his children.

He longed to see those colours now,

But the children had grown? he started to wonder…

Were the visions they had now,

just as strong, as when they were younger.

It started to make him sad,

to realize, he didn’t have an answer.

The spirits saw his sadness, and knew…

it was time, for his biggest lesson,

It seemed as if the child flew,

into his workshop, in need of attention.

He answered her questions with care?

his chosen method? the changes he would bring.

She wondered how she even dared,

to explain, that wasn’t how she saw things.

He looked at her with wonder, and knew…

her visions were strong? she’d chosen to hide them.

How was his child to believe,

in her own gifts, if he didn’t use them.

He chose a different wand that would shape…

the head of a snake, she saw in her vision.

The child felt pride when she saw,

the father she loved? trust her decision.

The spirits saw her pride, and they knew…

this child was strong, her path was protected.

If every child was listened to,

The world would have hope, beyond expectations.

~ A Stick to the Story story

*****

I want to thank Vicky for taking the time to ponder and reflect on her family’s unschooling years. I’m honoured that she would so generously make space for it in their busy lives so I could share it with you.

I first met Vicky and her family at the Toronto Unschooling Conference and I’ve enjoyed staying connected with her through Facebook. I even quoted something she posted in my book, Free to Live!

And if I’m lucky, some day I’ll be the proud owner of a beautiful Stick to the Story walking stick.

*****

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

The ultimate boon: Unschooling with confidence and grace.

Return phase of the journey

Refusal of the return: Will we choose to step back out of our unschooling bubble?

The magic flight: Finding a safe place in the ordinary world.

Rescue from without: When the ordinary world comes knocking.

The crossing of the return threshold: Integrating your new perspective into everyday life.

The Crossing of the Return Threshold: Integrating Your New Perspective into Everyday Life

Whether rescued from without, driven from within, or gently carried along by the guiding divinities, he has yet to re-enter with his boon the long-forgotten atmosphere where men who are fractions imagine themselves to be complete. He has yet to confront society with his ego-shattering, life-redeeming elixir, and take the return blow of reasonable queries, hard resentment, and good people at a loss to comprehend. (p. 186, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell)

The range of reactions Campbell describes is so familiar! It gives me goosebumps how timeless and universal the hero’s journey is. It also reminds me to keep my mind open, especially in areas where I may still hold rather conventional ideas.

I want to point out that “confront society” needn’t mean being “in your face” about it. Just by living in the world we are seen by others—they will know we exist. And if or when they are ready to consider what our children’s joyful lives might imply about their conventional understanding of learning and education and parenting, they’ll do so. They may even ask us questions about our lives as part of their own unschooling quest.

And I like that Campbell refers to others in the ordinary world as “good people.” Parents who aren’t unschooling are not “wrong” or “bad.” Unschooling isn’t necessarily a good match for every family. And we know that conventional doesn’t mean “right” or “good” either.

I think the key is parents knowing that they have a choice. The compulsory school system has barely been around a hundred years yet it’s become synonymous with childhood—the idea of choice has been buried.

The other day I read a post on Peter Gray’s blog, Freedom to Learn, and this bit jumped out at me:

Here is the scenario I envision for real educational reform in our society. The trend for people to walk away from the conventional schooling system will continue and will accelerate. It will accelerate because with each new person who leaves the conventional system, the less weird that choice will seem to everyone else. We are creatures of conformity, at least most of us are. Few of us dare to behave in ways that seem abnormal to others. But as more and more people walk away from the system, we will reach the point where everyone knows one or more families who have made that choice, where everyone can see that the choice led to happier children, with no loss at all in their chances for success in our society as they grow up. Gradually, people will change their attitude. “Hey, it’s not necessary to do schooling as it is dictated by the conventional schooling system. You can play, explore, enjoy your childhood, and learn in the process.”

People will begin to understand that they have a choice. (Is Real Education Reform Possible? If So, How?)

Live In Art, Lissy Elle

Knowing that they are free to choose the environment in which their children learn will encourage people to consider their unique family and explore what works best for them.

As we cross the return threshold to the ordinary world, Campbell reminds us,

Nevertheless—and here is a great key to the understanding of myth and symbol—the two kingdoms are actually one. (p. 188)

These worlds—unschooling and ordinary—are illustrative, not literal. Returning to the conventional world isn’t about converting or convincing others. It’s about integrating our unschooling lives into our ordinary world. Unschooling becomes living. Unschooling is living.

Yet part of our integration will include interacting with people outside our family. Campbell nails one of the big challenges:

How to translate into terms of “yes” and “no” revelations that shatter into meaninglessness every attempt to define the pairs of opposites? (p. 189)

As we move more and more into the ordinary world, we can find it challenging to describe our multi-faceted lives in the more black-and-white terms others will understand. It reminds me of unschooling articles researched and written for mainstream publications, both print and online.

Experienced unschooling parents, living happily with their children and excited to share, agree to be interviewed. The journalists—good, well-meaning people—try their best to quickly understand what their lives look like. The unschooling parents try their best to answer the questions, which are, unsurprisingly, conventionally-slanted.

And time and again, upon publication we see that the answers stubbornly refuse to come together in a cohesive, meaningful picture of unschooling. In fact, most times we’re happy enough when we don’t look crazy.

For example, in an online article about unschooling published by a Canadian magazine a few years, unschooling parents used phrases like “they’ll figure it out themselves,” “choose what they want to learn,” “consensual decisions,” and “no bedtimes” to describe their unschooling lives. These are definitely accurate descriptions of the unschooling lifestyle that many of us have developed over the months and years on our journey.

But imagine the pictures that those phrases would likely conjure up in the minds of conventional adults who haven’t deeply questioned their most basic assumptions about children and learning. The scenes playing out in our minds are probably so different! Like the difference between playing in a field of flowers on a sunny day and a day spent in the Hunger Games’ arena. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, but the conventional paradigm of adults versus children is strong.

Our children’s actions are a result of the environment we create for them and the lens through which we observe them.

Where we see our children choosing what they want to learn, they see children who never “want” to learn anything. Why the discrepancy? Because in their worldview, the only learning topics that count are those in an approved curriculum and the only way to learn is to be taught by someone, preferably a teacher/expert. So much of the learning that we see, they dismiss outright. In fact, they probably see children actively avoiding learning (i.e. school).

When we say “no bedtimes,” they envision chaos and crankiness. And from their perspective, if they were to just “drop the rules” (like bedtime) and leave their kids to their own devices, there’s a good chance they would find themselves immersed in pandemonium.

So it’s really no surprise that the comments look like this:

I fear for the future of “unschooled” children. I fear for the future of those who have to live in the same community as, and end up supporting “unschooled” children.
How incredibly stupid. So these parents have decided to go back to giving their kids the type of education that people had before schools existed. how nice to deprive your kids of an education.
I’m scared to think what our society might be like in 20 – 30 yrs when these unschooled kids are supposed to be the leaders of that generation…scary indeed.

I think one of the big reasons this vast disconnect happens is because journalists focus on actions. “What do you do for this?” (math) “And this?” (socialization) “Do you do this or that?” (teach them or leave them) The nuances are already lost just in the way the questions are phrased. And they leave little opportunity to reference the extensive inquiry and self-reflection that’s been integral to our journey.

Yet that’s not surprising—they have likely been asked to deliver a piece that describes what day-to-day unschooling looks like. And they are most often on a tight deadline—they don’t have the luxury of the many months we’ve dedicated to this journey, delving into the paradigm-shifting ideas that form the strong foundation of relationship on which our actions are built. So though we are using familiar words to describe our lives, they have a richness to them that we discovered on our unschooling journey which is invisible when viewed through the conventional “yes/no” filter.

Where they see anarchy and parents leaving their children to flounder and fail, we see strong and connected relationships and parents actively supporting their children as they explore the world.

On our journey we’ve worked hard to see things through our children’s eyes so we can better understand their choices and actions. And it can certainly help to take the time to understand the perspective and motivations those in our ordinary world as we re-integrate.

But it ain’t easy.

The easy thing is to commit the whole community to the devil and retire again into the heavenly rock-dwelling, close the door, and make it fast. (p. 189)

So, why return?

To expand our own horizons, and our children’s. The world is a wondrous place! And we are an example of living joyfully without school for those around us, helping them see possibilities beyond the ordinary.

This is the sign of the hero’s requirement, now, to knit together his two worlds. (p. 196)

It’s definitely worth the effort.

Because really, there is just one world.

Your journey

If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “crossing the return threshold” stage to get you started:

1. Have you found that the words you use to describe unschooling are sometimes misinterpreted by others?

2. What motivates you to knit your two worlds together?

3. Has unschooling mostly become synonymous with living for your family?

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

The ultimate boon: Unschooling with confidence and grace.

Return phase of the journey

Refusal of the return: Will we choose to step back out of our unschooling bubble?

The magic flight: Finding a safe place in the ordinary world.

Rescue from without: When the ordinary world comes knocking.

Rescue from Without: When the Ordinary World Comes Knocking

Here’s another way that our return journey might play out. Let’s remember where we’re starting:

Yet … it’s here that we can also begin to stagnate. Life feels wonderfully satisfying in our “unschooling bubble.” Safe. The bubble was so incredibly helpful in the initiation/deschooling phase, giving us the time and space we needed to observe and contemplate how real learning happens, to better understand ourselves and our children, and to explore ways to live together as a family. And now that our unschooling lives are flowing reasonably smoothly, it can be tempting to stay in the comfort of our bubble. (Refusal of the Return)

In fact, we may have done a lot of personal soul-searching and paradigm-shifting work to to get to this point and we are taking this time to rejuvenate, but be careful not to hibernate too deeply.

And yet, in so far as one is alive, life will call. Society is jealous of those who remain away from it, and will come knocking at the door. (p. 178, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell)

The Unbalancing Act, Lissy Elle

If we dawdle in our unschooling-centric world, we may well find ourselves being pulled back to the ordinary world by others.

The knock may come from friends or family, asking to get together. Maybe you’ve been avoiding social gatherings for a while, almost automatically replying with a gracious “no, thanks.” But take a moment to honestly consider it. Maybe the thought doesn’t seem so daunting any more. Ask your spouse, your children—what do they think?

In another interesting unschooling twist, maybe it’s our child knocking from the inside, looking out to the wider world. Be sure to listen for it.

My children loved the unschooling cocoon we created for many months, but eventually, feeling safe and secure with their home base, they began looking to follow their interests beyond the embrace of our family. Lissy found girl guides, and later enjoyed volunteering at the local animal shelter thrift store. Michael wanted to explore karate. And Joseph wanted to expand his gaming world, getting into MMORPGs and connecting with other gamers around the world.

So one thing to watch out for is whether we continue to cling to our unschooling bubble to the detriment of our children’s exploration of the world. Sure, we can bring lots of the world to them, but when they are interested in venturing out we want to support that too.

It can definitely be tempting to seek out and favour unschooling, or at least homeschooling, communities when looking for opportunities for our children. Sure, we hope find a more comfortable environment surrounded by families with similar perspectives on learning, but that doesn’t mean our children’s personalities and level of interest are going to mesh well with the group.

We may find a homeschooling guide or scout troop, or homeschooling rec classes, or a server full of unschooling gamers—and it’s cool to try them out!—but don’t have higher expectations that things will go smoothly just because the other children don’t go to school either.

Our children aren’t usually looking to connect with others over unschooling—that’s our interest. Just as kids in a school classroom don’t find being local and the same age very fertile ground for connection.

Children (and adults!) enjoy connecting and engaging with others around their particular interests. The interest itself is the key parameter, not the lifestyle of the other participants. So be open to trying out several different environments for a particular activity to find one that meshes well with your child—and that’s where the best learning will happen too.

For unschooling parents, our foremost focus is on supporting our children’s learning so, instead of expecting our children to adapt, we are willing to do the work to search out an environment that meshes well with how our children like to learn. Understanding that the atmosphere surrounding many activities is dictated by the individual adults who run them, we look for a good fit between the group’s atmosphere and the child’s personality and goals. (Exploring Outside Activities)

Whether the outside world comes knocking, or your child is keen to begin exploring beyond your doorstep, the key choosing to begin the return phase of your unschooling journey is to be aware and attentive.

Are you and your family, or some of your family, ready to say yes to the knock?

Are one or more of your children interested in engaging more directly with the ordinary world?

Are you?

If so, let’s go!  

Your journey

If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “rescue from without” stage to get you started:

1. Did you feel pulled back into the conventional world by others?

2. Or feel pushed back out by your child’s eagerness to engage with the conventional world?

3. When pursuing an activity, have you and your child checked out more than one place before choosing?

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

The ultimate boon: Unschooling with confidence and grace.

Return phase of the journey

Refusal of the return: Will we choose to step back out of our unschooling bubble?

The magic flight: Finding a safe place in the ordinary world.

The Magic Flight: Finding a Safe Place in the Ordinary World

We are actively unschooling with confidence and grace and have chosen to begin our return journey back to the ordinary world. Yet, it may not be all smooth sailing. In fact, we may soon find ourselves fleeing rather than walking.

… if the hero’s wish to return to the world has been resented by the gods or demon’s, then the last stage of the mythological round becomes a lively, often comical, pursuit. (p. 170, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell)

As Campbell notes in the book, not all stages are necessarily a part of every hero’s journey—it’s a matter of personal circumstances. And this stage is certainly one of the more optional ones. In over a dozen years, I don’t recall hearing any stories of experienced unschooling parents actively discouraging other unschooling parents from choosing to return and more actively engage with the conventional world.

But, I definitely think we can put an unschooling twist on this stage! What about when people in our ordinary world don’t want us to return?

They probably weren’t very vocal about it while we were mostly cocooning, busily exploring and learning about unschooling, but that can change as we return and more actively engage with the ordinary world.

Maybe family or neighbours threaten to call family services because they don’t understand unschooling and have no intention of learning more. They believe it’s wrong and neglectful and aren’t open to discussion.

Or family or neighbours drop by regularly and, maybe even inadvertently, belittle you and your children. Quizzing your children and questioning you, you’re left feeling inadequate and it takes hours or days for everyone to recover their joyful unschooling momentum.

Rabbit Hole, by Lissy Elle

In other words, sometimes there are people in the ordinary world who don’t want you to bring your funky new lifestyle and ideas into their bubble of “conventional society.” So much so that they will actively lash out at you. If you find you—or anyone in your family—feeling unsafe, you may well choose to flee/escape to safety.

Maybe the flight is more metaphorical as you choose to actively distance yourself from discouraging family and friends, but I have definitely heard stories of unschoolers moving away to distance themselves from negative environments. I imagine this could be a difficult decision to make, revisiting the strength of your convictions about the unschooling lifestyle versus the need to recover from regular assaults on those convictions versus the upheaval of moving to a new community.

But I can also imagine the incredible sense of relief and joy and adventure an unschooling family might feel when they choose to take that magic flight to a new community—a fresh start to go hand in hand with their new perspective on learning and living.

Your journey

If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “magic flight” stage to get you started:

1. Has a magic flight been part of your return journey?

2. Did you experience a negative reception as you began to more actively live your unschooling lifestyle in your wider community? What helped you move through it?

3. What things did you find challenging as you began stepping back into the conventional world?

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

The ultimate boon: Unschooling with confidence and grace.

Return phase of the journey

Refusal of the return: Will we choose to step back out of our unschooling bubble?

Interview: Sandy’s Unschooling Journey

A bit about you …
Luca and Lily, today!

What’s your name?

My name is Sandy Kappa.

Where do you live?

I live in Toronto.

What does your family look like?

Our family includes my partner Joe, our children Lily (7) and Luca (13) and my 87 year old mother. Lily and Luca have always been unschooled.

The departure phase of your journey …

We discover and explore unschooling, and choose to begin.

How to did you come to unschooling?

When Luca was an infant, I found Jan Hunt’s book, The Natural Child through a friend. That was the beginning for me. I did lots of reading. When Luca was two, I met someone in our neighbourhood who parented their child with great compassion, understanding and respect. That was a new model of parenting for me. Up to that point I didn’t know anyone who was actually living those ideas. We became very good friends, spent a lot of time together with our children and are still close friends today.

Along the way I found Life Learning Magazine and through it found the Toronto Unschooling Conference. We attended the very first conference. I was so moved when I heard Anne Ohman speak about her family, their experience, I felt like I had come home. Tears flowed. At that same conference Luca went and sat with Anne and her family. He was four. He’d led us there. We were in.

When you first started out,what were some of the things you were hoping to address by moving to unschooling?

When Luca was three, we attended a gymnastics class. Although he loved the class, he wasn’t interested in sitting in a circle and following someone else’s agenda. He wanted to explore things in his own way, on his own terms, with great enthusiasm and joy. I wanted to find a way to continue to support his love of learning. I felt pretty certain that attending school wasn’t going to be that way.

Were there any fears you needed to overcome initially?

Unschooling has always been about trust for me. Trusting Luca. Trusting that through following his own interests, desires and ideas—his own knowing and Joy—he would get everything he needed. When I’m not trusting the path, it’s almost always my own feelings, fears, ideas and beliefs that are calling to be explored.

The initiation phase of the journey …

We dive deeply into deschooling and our spiritual growth takes root.

What were some of your favourite ways to learn more about unschooling?

My favourite way to learn more about unschooling has always been through meeting other unschooling families. I loved attending the Toronto Unschooling Conference and still love attending the We Shine Conference. I am inspired by the conference speakers and by being with other unschooling families. I also love reading about other unschooling families experience on the Shine with Unschooling email list. I love all of Pam’s posts too. Her books are my favourites.

How did you choose to move to unschooling with your family? Was it a gradual process of exploring/implementing one aspect at a time, or did you make bigger leaps at once?

We embraced unschooling from the beginning as a natural extension of our lives up to that point. Luca was four at that time. We did however restrict how much television Luca watched. (He wasn’t into gaming yet.) I had a harder time embracing that. I listened to people at TUC talking about unlimited, unrestricted viewing and playing, but I didn’t agree. I didn’t get that piece. I secretly thought they were wrong!

That all changed for me in one moment at the first We Shine conference in Niagara Falls in 2009 (Luca was seven and Lily was two). One of the offerings of the conference was a movie night. I watched Karen Lindberg lovingly set up her boys Oscar and Clyde for the movie. In my mind, not only was she “letting” them watch the movie, she had pillows for them, drinks, snacks—she was helping to make this the best experience it could be—she was supporting them, loving them up in this experience. The complete opposite of controlling and restricting. In that moment everything changed for me. I got it. Life got so much better, so much easier when I let go of the judgement, fear and controlling and embraced loving and trusting at a deeper level.

The return phase of the journey …

Having fully embraced the unschooling lifestyle, we re-integrate with the conventional world.

With a well-developed sense of self, unschooling children are able to pursue learning in more formal settings without getting caught up in the trappings of the conventional system. Have your children chosen to attend group classes or structured courses? What was their experience?

Over the years Luca explored many different interests through classes. We’ve had so many great experiences, in part because these classes were chosen by him. When he was five he played soccer in an indoor gym. After his class there was seniors indoor lawn bowling—ages 65 – 95. He loved helping them set up and assisting during the games. He was in charge of giving out candies. He loved being there and they loved having him there. Beautiful and joyful relationships were formed.

At age six, he took an after school karate class. He really wanted to learn how to do karate. He had no frame of reference for kids goofing around and not paying attention. He couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t want to give their full attention. Of course instructors always adored him, because he was enthusiastic and happy to be there.

Lily has recently become interested in exploring gymnastics. She just knew she really wanted to do this. I couldn’t find a class, so I created a “homeschool” class at a local gymnastics club with the minimum number of students required. This is the first class where she is required to be separated from us. We can only watch her through glass windows. As long as she knew we were watching, she felt fine to do it. She loves it and we are in the process of creating a second class!

What, for you, is the most valuable thing to come from your journey to unschooling?

There are so many valuable things to come from this journey. Most recently I’ve been thinking about what I desire most in my relationships with my children. I want my children to be able to come to me with anything, feel safe to trust me with anything—for their entire lives. I want them to know I can hold their joys, fears and sorrows—be their soft place—their home. Unschooling has led me there.

*****

Thanks so much, Sandy, for taking the time to share some beautiful moments from your unschooling journey!

I met Sandy when they came to the Toronto Unschooling Conference and it’s been a joy to keep in touch over the years. I also have fond memories of playing Animal Crossing with Luca, and others that chose to join us, on our lodge porch at We Shine. Such great fun!

*****

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

The ultimate boon: Unschooling with confidence and grace.

Return phase of the journey

Refusal of the return: Will we choose to step back out of our unschooling bubble?

Refusal of the Return: Will We Choose to Step Back out of Our Unschooling Bubble?

The full round, the norm of the monomyth, requires that the hero shall now begin the labor of bringing the runes of wisdom, the Golden Fleece, or his sleeping princess back into the kingdom of humanity, where the boon may redound to the renewing of the community, the nation, the planet, or the ten thousand worlds. (Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, p. 167)

After choosing to accept the call to adventure, we have spent a lot of time and effort on this unschooling journey of exploration, learning, and growth. The unknown world we set out to discover now feels like home. And with our quest accomplished, it’s time to enjoy the fruits of our labour.

It feels amazing! We see our kids making solid choices, exploring their boundaries, and learning like crazy. We love the time we spend with them: sometimes deeply focused and in the flow of an activity; sometimes relaxed and laughing, enjoying their company; and still other times commiserating and consoling and validating their frustration and sadness. It’s living as a full contact sport—energizing and tiring and beautiful.

Yet … it’s here that we can also begin to stagnate. Life feels wonderfully satisfying in our “unschooling bubble.” Safe. The bubble was so incredibly helpful in the initiation/deschooling phase, giving us the time and space we needed to observe and contemplate how real learning happens, to better understand ourselves and our children, and to explore ways to live together as a family. And now that our unschooling lives are flowing reasonably smoothly, it can be tempting to stay in the comfort of our bubble.

She Held the World, Lissy Elle

Maybe our safe zone is mostly our own home. Maybe it includes regular gatherings with the local unschooling community—park days, gym days etc. Maybe it includes the library and the rec centre. Eventually though, as we continue to explore and learn and grow, it’s likely that we’ll start to bump up against the edges. There are interesting things in the ordinary world!

When that happens, the thought of returning to the challenges of the traditional world can be intimidating. Maybe you’re worried about you and/or your children experiencing the judgement of others more directly. Maybe you’re wondering if you’ll get caught up in rush of busyness again, feeling pressured to “prove” to others that your choice to unschool was a good one. We are reminded of all those questions and challenges we worked through in our bubble: will our newly won understanding sustain us in the swirl of the conventional world?

The process isn’t as simple as just stepping back out, as many hero stories attest. This return phase of the journey is as intricate as our departure into the world of unschooling was, and will have us figuring out how to re-integrate with the ordinary world in ways that work for our family. Maybe at some point we’ll want to more actively share what we’ve learned on our unschooling journey with others. Maybe we’ll be happy to concentrate on living our unschooling lives—we are still a shining example in the world of a different path for anyone who is curious about such things. And we will discover that we can retreat and cocoon in our unschooling bubble whenever we feel the need to recharge.

Campbell’s point is well-taken that those who refuse to return may not be actively sharing their newfound wisdom. Yet our responsibility is first and foremost to our family—what works for us as individuals. That is unschooling in a nutshell. So the question we consider at this stage is whether or not our unschooling bubble is a supportive and helpful feature in our landscape. If it’s still an integral part of our lives, we will refuse to step out. For now. The key is to pay attention to when it starts to feel constricting; when any of us begin to feel like we’re wilting rather than growing.

There are other journeys, other mysterious worlds waiting to be explored. But they’ll wait until we’re ready.

Your journey

If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “refusal of the return” stage to get you started:

1. Did you find it helpful to cocoon in an “unschooling bubble” as you were diving into unschooling?

2. Has your family found it helpful to stay mostly in your bubble for now?

3. What things did you find challenging as you began stepping back into the conventional world?

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

The ultimate boon: Unschooling with confidence and grace.

The Ultimate Boon: Unschooling with Confidence and Grace

Princess Alyssabeth’s Belated Birthday, Lissy Elle

We made it! We have achieved the goal of our quest, the ultimate boon: we are unschooling. Our relationships with our children are strong and connected and we are confidently living and learning together as a family. We are enjoying life, with its ups and down and twists and turns.

This moment isn’t lit up on a marquee or marked by thunderous applause. And funny, we no longer wish for that either. We’ve come to appreciate the amazing beauty of the simplest moments: cuddled with your child on the couch watching a favourite movie; walking in the park, your kids darting from flower to flower, handing you this stick and that rock to add to their collection; watching your child enthusiastically turn on the water to show you how it flows over the complicated contraption of pots and plates they built in the sink; laying in bed together, reading a story out loud to your child as their eyes blink heavily. These moments bring us deep joy and contentment. We know the power they hold.

Our shift from deschooling to unschooling isn’t a finish line we’ve made a beeline for, but more of a dawning realization that happens after we’ve crossed into this new realm: “Ahh, we’re unschooling.”

In this chapter of The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell continues to share the stories and myths of many cultures, describing the fundamental goal shared by these heroes—and us—on our journeys:

The gods and goddesses then are to be understood as embodiments and custodians of the elixir of Imperishable Being but not themselves the Ultimate in its primary state. What the hero seeks through his intercourse with them is therefore not finally themselves, but their grace, i.e., the power of their sustaining substance. (p. 155)

The goal is not to become a god or goddess-like being. On our journey we’ve learned to accept our nature, to live mindfully in the moment, and not get caught up chasing some embodiment of “perfection.” There is no “perfect” model of unschooling. Day-to-day, it looks different for everyone. But the principles of unschooling—the spirit with which unschooling is lived—is fundamentally the same. And that is what we’ve explored and absorbed on our journey.

In Campbell’s metaphor, we have journeyed to attain the grace of the gods/goddesses. Not to take it from them; it’s not a fixed commodity. But to come to understand, and therefore share, their perspective, their spirit, their outlook on life. Their grace.

And why is grace considered a sustaining substance of life? It’s not about immortality. The real prize the hero has gained is the knowledge of their indestructibility in life. It’s that understanding, deep in your bones, that you will be able to move through whatever challenges life throws at you. Grace is the compassion and kindness that comes from knowing that you will endure. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t quite see it yet.

It’s not a case of thinking that when distressing things happen it’s “for our own good” or that “we deserve them.” We don’t feel the need to place blame, which adds a distorting filter to many situations, hence we see them more clearly—more gracefully—and treat everyone involved more kindly and compassionately as we move through them.

The many trials and tribulations of our journey have prepared us for this moment, bringing us to a place where we are able to live and learn in the world with grace. It has been a lot of intense, personal work! What I love though, is that the journey starts out focused on our children, and ends up being a boon for ourselves, yet one that fully—and joyfully—includes our children in its embrace. It has also grown beyond unschooling itself into the realm of life.

Our unschooling journey will also inform any other journeys we may undertake in the future. In the last couple of years I’ve been struck by seeing other people’s journeys bring them to similar perspectives on life:

Brene Brown and her shame research.

Leo Babauta and his habits work.

Amanda Palmer and her art/music community.

Cory DeMeyers and his parkour work.

Their respective journeys have brought them a sense of grace that exudes from their writing, their speaking, and their interactions with others. Again, remember, being graceful doesn’t mean “perfect.” In fact, understanding we aren’t “perfect” is part of the journey to grace.

What does this look like day-to-day in the real world of unschooling?

It looks like family members confidently pursue learning in any of its forms, including more formal classrooms, without getting caught up in the trappings of the system. We choose to participate in the environment and take from the experience what we are interested in. We evaluate the experience against our own goals, which often includes more than just grades.

When I’m stymied trying to figure out how to come up with a plan that meets the needs of everyone involved, it looks like me openly asking my kids for their suggestions, knowing they too will consider everyone’s needs. They are full members of the family, and they often have a fresh perspective and some pretty great ideas!

And it looks like my kids bursting out laughing at the joke if I answer their question with, “Because I said so.”

Your journey

If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “ultimate boon” stage to get you started:

1. Are there times when expectations of others are more likely to sneak up on you?

2. I find joy to be a clear beacon on my journey—I choose the next step that moves me closer. Is that your experience?

3. Who are some of the people you see living in the world with grace?

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.

Apotheosis: Moving to compassion.

Apotheosis: Moving to Compassion

Apotheosis was a new word for me: it’s the highest point in the development of something; the culmination or climax.

The Wishing Tree, Lissy Elle

The highest point? Let’s take a moment to look around at the path we took to get here. We chose to undertake this unschooling journey and have travelled the road of trials, working to get past the obstacles we found in our path—the bulk of our deschooling. And most recently we’ve done a lot of work to deeply understand ourselves and how we relate to the world around us in terms of:

judgement—moving beyond judging things as “good” or “bad,” we came to see the value in all experiences in shaping who we are;
temptation—we accepted the temptation to return to our old lives as part of our nature and, rather than judging ourselves negatively each time it happens, choose to live mindfully; and
power—extending that awareness to others, we became more comfortable accepting them where they are, no longer feeling the need to wield power to judge or control their journey to validate our own, in turn finding ourselves no longer susceptible to those who try to exert power over us.

These last three stages have been intense! They are a kind of spiritual letting go—of the fear that leads us to judge, of our belief that we know what’s best for others, and of our need to control things beyond our own actions. These are important stages on the unschooling journey because wielding judgement and control interferes with our children’s curiosity and learning, dampens their creativity, and creates disconnection in our relationships.

Having dissolved this conventional filter of opposites—good/bad, right/wrong—now when we look at others (in and out of our family) we see them on their journey, just like us. We feel compassion for them, which soon grows into a feeling of kinship with people in general. Life becomes more peaceful when we are no longer trying to control, but are instead mindfully present.

Having surpassed the delusions of his formerly self-assertive, self-defensive, self-concerned ego, he knows without and within the same repose.  (Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, p. 140)

Who we are—inside and out—is the same. We no longer feel the need to hide or apologize for our choices, nor flaunt them—just live them.

This is a stage of well-deserved rest.

What does this more peaceful and compassionate family life look like?

It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden our lives are “perfect.” Things go wrong, people are sad and grumpy, we get frustrated. It’s life! For me, it means that I no longer find myself in conflict with my children.

When I’m feeling off about something, there’s no adrenaline rush pushing me to place blame or fix it. Instead, it’s a clue that I’m missing a piece of the puzzle. Maybe it’s more information about the situation or a better understanding of my child’s perspective on it (their goal, their motivation, their understanding of it etc). It doesn’t mean ignoring my discomfort, but learning more to get to the root of it. Our lives are a dance of people sharing their needs and wants and motivations and doing what we can to help each other meet them.

Though sparked by our unschooling journey, this fundamental shift in perspective becomes a part of us, applicable to our whole lives, not just the unschooling bits.

In fact, it’s around this point that we realize that there really are no separate unschooling bits.

Unschooling is living.

 Your journey

If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “apotheosis” stage to get you started:

1. Have you experienced moments when you feel at peace with your unschooling choices?

2. Are there moments when unschooling and living seem interchangeable?

3. Do you notice times when you feel a reactionary pull to blame or fix things before you fully understand the situation?

The road so far …

Departure phase of the journey

Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.

Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?

Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.

Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.

The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.

Initiation phase of the journey

The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.

The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.

Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.

Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.