Jason Brant's Blog, page 36

Road House is All Kinds of Awesome

Patrick Swayze.  Naked chicks.  More roundhouse kicks than a Taekwondo tournament.  Monster trucks.  Horrible one-liners.  Mullets.  Road House has it all.

I swear, this movie was written for me.  The screenwriters must have had a premonition about my adulthood and realized this flick had to be made just for me.

Swayze plays some kind of high-priced bouncer.  Or something.  He's hired to clean up a dive bar named the Double Deuce.  This place is full of assholes.  So The Swayze shows up and whoops some ass.  And then he beats someone else down.  And then another dude.  This goes on and on for about an hour and a half.  He only stops once so he can have sex with some hot chick.


He gets stabbed, slashed, and shot at it in this shitty bar.  It's pretty amazing that the police are basically worthless in this town.  It's explained that the bad guy (a dude who wants to buy the bar?  Or something...) has paid them off, but damn, hasn't anyone ever thought to call the State police?  The FBI?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Beuller?

The Swayze has no problem giving himself stitches.  At one point, he's in the hospital, meeting the hot chick he hooks up.  She reads him his own medical file (why, I don't know), and then asks him if he likes pain.  His response?

"Pain don't hurt."

I shit you not.  He said that.



After The Swayze owns all of the bad guy's henchmen, the villain brings in this guy.  I know what you're thinking - how the hell can The Swayze defeat a guy with a mullet and an earring?  I said the same thing.

First, The Swayze took off his shirt.  That helps.  Always.  Then this guy uttered one of the most ludicrous lines of all time.  In the middle of a long fight with The Swayze, this dude says....

"I used to fuck guys like you in prison."

Yeah.  He lost the fight directly thereafter.  Wow.


There's also a guy who drives a monster truck around.  Everywhere.  It's his daily driver.  Yup.


Oh, and Sam Elliott is in this movie and he has the most bitchin' gray hair EVER.  Seriously.  When I'm totally gray, I'm rocking it just like this.  That'll probably be sometime next month at the rate my hair is deciding that I'm old.  Anyway, knowing that Sam Elliott is in Road House should make you purchase the movie by itself.

The Swayze throwing a roundhouse kick every two minutes makes this one of my favorite '80's movies.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that a fat guy, armed with a pistol, is disabled by a stuffed bear.  For real.

The Gate in Audiobook!

Just wanted to let everyone know that the audiobook for THE GATE is now available.
I absolutely love the narrator's voice and his reading of the book.  Am I biased?  Yup!  It's still awesome though.  You can grab the book at Amazon, Audible, and iTunes.
Now, if you want to get the book for nothing, you can sign up for an account at Audible.  You get a free 30 day trial in which you're allowed to get a book for FREE.  Check it out.  Don't tell anyone I'm trying to get you the audiobook for free - we'll keep that as our little secret.
Let me know what you think!
THE DARK is going through production right now and will release in early August.

Ex-Girlfriend Tries to Use the Jedi Mind Trick On Me

I thought I'd share a true story with you today.  This is not an exaggeration, I swear.

During my freshman year in college I dated a woman who we'll call.... Shmisa.  Bet you can't crack that code.  So, Shmisa was older than me by just under three years.  Since she was a junior, her concerns were about post college life.  Kids, marriage, grad school, blah blah.  I wanted to drink my face off.  Looking back at at it now, we really didn't have a whole hell of a lot in common.  Young and dumb, I guess.  What can I say - I was an idiot.  (Yeah, yeah.  I know that you're thinking I'm still an idiot.  Shut up.)

Li... I mean, Shmisa and I dated for about a year or so.  She broke up with me at the beginning of my sophomore year.  Being the dumbass that I was, (Yeah, yeah.  I heard you the first time.  Shut up.) I ended up taking her back two weeks later.  Throughout the next two months we broke up three times.  See?  Told you I was an idiot. (Pipe the fuck down already.)

She tried to get me to take her back a third time (She wasn't so smart either, I suppose.) and I finally told her no.  That didn't go over well.  After a few weeks, she called me up and asked if I wanted to watch the Steelers' game at her house.  You know, just as friends.  Now, this surprised me since she didn't like football.  Because I'm a moron, (Shhh.  I hate you.) I agreed and went over.  Within twenty minutes, she was putting the moves on me like we'd never broken up in the first place.  She honestly pretended that nothing had ever happened between us, like I would somehow forget that we weren't together anymore. I rebuked her advances and hauled ass out of there.

I didn't hear from her again for months.  The holidays passed by without a word.

A month or two into the second semester, the phone in my room rang.  It was Shmisa calling from the phone outside of my building.  Back then we didn't have cell phones.  (I'm old.  Shut up.  You're a real dick, you know that?)  If you wanted to get in a dorm that wasn't yours, you had to call the person you wanted to see and have them open the door for you.  Anyway, I was shocked to hear from her.  Like I said, quite a bit of time had passed.  Thinking everything would be cool now, I went down to see what was up.  Because she wasn't able to fool me in her apartment a few months ago, she decided to try a little harder with her Jedi Mind Trick.

The following is from our conversation.  This isn't verbatim, because it's been years, but it's not an exaggeration.

Me:  "What's up, Shmisa?"
Shmisa:  "I have an out-of-state water polo game, so I'll be gone for a few days."
Me:  "Uhh.... OK?"
Shmisa:  "I just wanted to say bye and I'll see you when I get back."
Me:  "What?  Why would I see you when you get back?"
Shmisa:  "The bus is leaving, so I have to go.  Give me a kiss quick."
Me:  "Lisa, we aren't dating anymore."
Shmisa:  "Why are you being so difficult?  I don't have time for this, I have to go."
Me:  "I think I'm going back upstairs now.  See ya."

I was totally confused by her behavior at this point.  Like I said, we hadn't said a word to each other in months.  Anyway, I started to close the door when she got mad at me.  I can't remember what she said, but it was so ludicrous that I started to laugh because of how hilarious the situation was.  She got really pissed and actually stomped her foot at me.  That made me laugh harder.  I didn't intend to come across like a butthole, but I couldn't stop the laughter.  It was just too crazy.

She left and I didn't hear from again for another four or five months.  Now, for a bit of background on the next part, I should tell you that her father took a job in Germany for a year or something like that.  She'd decided to spend the summer in Europe him.  In June, after the school year had ended, I got a phone call at my parents house.  Little did I know that I was about to get the full power of the Force thrown at me.

Me:  "Hello?"
Shmisa:  "Hi."
Me:  "Who is this?"
Shmisa:  "Shmisa."
Me:  "Schmisa?  How are you?  What's up?"
Shmisa:  "We bought your plane ticket."
Me:  "Who bought me what?"
Shmisa:  "My Dad and I bought your plane ticket to Germany."
Me:  "Wait, what?  Why would you buy me a ticket to Germany?"
Shmisa:  "So we can spend the summer together."
Me:  "I'm really confused here.  Why would we spend the summer together?  We broke up six months ago."
Shmisa:  "Why are you being so difficult?  All it's going to take for this to work is you getting on a plane."
Me:  "I'm the one being difficult?  We aren't even together!"
Shmisa:  "I don't understand why you're acting like this.  This is such a simple thing for you to do."
Me:  "Jesus."

She started crying on the phone at that point, but I can't remember what was said.  The fact that she called me to say that she'd already purchased my ticket scared the shit out of me.  She acted like we'd planned the entire thing, and now I was changing my mind like an asshole.  WEIRD.

Sooooo..... yeah.  She tried to trick me into thinking we'd never broken up on three separate occasions.

Hugh Jackman Can Kiss My Ass

Yeah, that's right.  I hate Hugh Jackman.  This guy completely pisses me off.  Every fiber of my being wants to kick his ass.  Now, you might be asking 'why?'  Who on earth could hate Hugh?

Me.

This son of a bitch gets paid to just be awesome.  It's totally lame.  There he is, making the rest of men look like moronic, lazy slobs.  Here are some of the reasons he chaps my ass (the list isn't limited to these(because he's fucking Hugh Jackman)):

He's a great actor.He gets to play Wolver-fucking-ine, the coolest comic book character ever.Women go bonkers over him.He can sing.He can dance.He's ripped as hell.He has a foreign accent.He's a big proponent of microcredit - one of the best forms of 'charity'.He's rich.He's a genuinely nice guy, by all accounts.  A rarity for celebrities.He gets to play Wolver-fucking-ine.
You probably just read over this list and now think I have a man-crush on Hugh Jackman.  Yeah, well.... shut up.
Now, despite all that he has going for him, I just looked it up and he's only 6'2".  I'm 6'3".
I win.  Suck a boner, Hugh.

Dear Drunken Butt Plug

Dear Drunken Butt Plug,

It's my understanding that you 'don't give a fuck'.  I've come to that conclusion from you shouting it outside of my house at 1 AM last night.  Not only did you make your point clear by screaming like a banshee, you did so over and over again.  Everyone in the neighborhood is now aware of how little of a fuck you give.

I would like to express to you that I, Jason Brant, author of shitty horror fiction, don't give a fuck that you don't give a fuck.  Your position is clear, having acted like an asshole for a solid half an hour.  Thanks for the entertainment.

And to Drunken Butt Plug's girlfriend, you also tried to give your issues a form of relevancy by crying and slurring into a phone for the following hour.  You are willing 'to do any fucking thing you have to' as long as Drunken Butt Plug will continue to date you.  I appreciate your concern and devotion to DBP.  He's clearly a unique specimen and the two of you would make for a world-class couple.  Perhaps, given time, you could grow old and jaundiced together, screaming like fucktards at each other in front of the entire neighborhood.  Good for you.

In the foreseeable future, however, I would be thankful if you didn't feel the need to jump in a car and spin the tires every five seconds of the day.  It's often hard for me to concentrate when you're peeling tire in your shit car for no apparent reason.

Thanks for listening and kiss my ass,
Jason Brant

Lost Time teaser

I started a new novel this week and so far it's been great fun.  It's about a man named Lee who is randomly 'losing time' and coming to in different places with crazy things happening to him.  Here's a taste:


He opened the trunk the rest of the way and peered down at her furious, tape-covered face.  Similar gray strips bound her hands and feet. She lay in the fetal position, her hips resting upon the tire iron that Lee always kept in the trunk.She mumbled loudly, her mouth working against the tape, her eyes ablaze as they bore into his.  Her hips lifted a bit and she nodded her head in their direction, rolling her eyes down to try and get his attention.He ignored that for a moment, too stunned to do much of anything.His cell was in his hand, dialing Jim absentmindedly as he continued to gape at the almost nude woman.Jim answered after several rings, his voice thick and husky from sleep.  “Chief?  What time is it?”“I kidnapped a stripper.”“You what?”  Jim’s voice cleared considerably.  “Say that again?”“Dude, I kidnapped a goddamn stripper.”Noise came through the speaker as Jim likely jumped out of bed.  “What?  How?  Why?  I thought you were coming home?  Did you fall asleep again?”“I have a woman in my trunk.”  Lee couldn’t stop repeating himself.  His brain felt like Jell-o.“Who is it?”“Candy.”“You have a stripper named Candy in the trunk of your car?”“Yes.  She’s not wearing any clothes.  I think I better go now.  See ya later.”

Evil Dead Remake

FAIR WARNING - Do not watch this trailer if you don't want to be seriously disturbed, or have the shit scared out of you.  Honestly, it's crazy.

Now, I usually loathe remakes of classics.  I've already talked about the Total Recall remake and others, but the gist behind my dislike is that the new versions usually strip out the soul of the original.  Everything that made the first one awesome is taken away.  Like removing Arnold and the uber-violence of the original Total Recall.  That's just stupid.

That doesn't appear to be the case here.  Wow.  This guy seems to get the first movie.  I was 100% against the idea of remaking The Evil Dead, which is one of my all-time favorites.  The first trailer they released cemented that idea.  This newer, redband trailer, completely changed my mind.

Of course, I'm basing this on a trailer, which makes me a moron, so take what I've said with a grain of salt.  But, it's a really convincing piece of marketing - I'll give them that.

I'll be seeing this in the theater tonight.  And I'll have copious amounts of alcohol first, because this looks really messed up.

New World War Z trailer

Obviously, I'm a big fan of zombies - I wrote a zombie/western series, after all.  Unfortunately, most zombie movies suck balls.  Fans like me often cling to the greats like Night, Dawn, Day of the Dead and, now, The Walking Dead.

The big budget zombie film is something that has never really come to pass.  I guess the remake of Dawn of the Dead (which is shockingly good) could count, but it isn't anywhere near the scope of World War Z.  This has the potential to be AMAZING.

Now, the bad news is that the production had problems and the movie was delayed.  That can often be the kiss of death, but the two trailers released so far have raised my hopes.  Some of the shots are mind blowing.

I'm really, really, really, really, really (really) hoping that World War Z is the shit.

Don't screw this up.  Please.

WTF Fridays

How did people find my blog this week?is actor jason brandt gayThere were other search engine queries that brought people in, but what's the point in posting them after this one?
This is a really short post, but I wanted to leave you guys with some words of wisdom from Joe Rogan, comedian, UFC commentator, and all around cool dude.

Internet Bully Gets Owned

Anonymity on the internet makes people act like assholes.  That's not to say that people aren't assholes all the time, but not having to be a dick to someone face-to-face definitely makes people a little braver than they would be at, say, a bar.
A killer example of this happened last week when a Twitter dumbass decided to start giving a pro boxer a raft of shit.  The boxer, having had enough, decided to make a little day trip to said douche bag's home.  The whole thing is chronicled here:
Boxer owns an internet troll
It's a pretty hilarious read.  Now, being an author, I obviously have my fair share of people shitting on me.  But I can't imagine the hate thrown at pro-athletes.  If someone wants to trash one of my books, I just have to read about it.  If you're a boxer who loses a fight, you not only did you get your ass kicked in front of thousands to millions of people, but then you have morons screaming ridiculous things at you from the crowd.  The anger and embarrassment is unimaginable to me.
BUT, I do love reading the tweets from this particular internet troll as he totally backpedals from his comments and then deletes his account altogether.  What a hero.