Jason Brant's Blog, page 41

Echoes is now available for Barnes and Noble's Nook!

Just a quick note to let everyone with a Nook know that you can now purchase Echoes from Barnes and Noble!  You can buy it directly from your Nook, or through the website here.

Echoes will be available through iTunes, Smashwords, Kobo, and much more soon.  I'll keep everyone updated.

2013 Is Gonna Kick Your Ass

What happens when you combine these two books?  I have no idea, but we're going to find out next year.  If you missed the new interview with Elle Casey on Cynthia Shepp's book review site, then you probably didn't hear about the big news she broke.

We're co-authoring a book together next year.  That's right, I've been blackmailed convinced by my arch nemesis, Smelle Casey, to write a brand new novel with her starting at the beginning of 2013.  We're looking to publish in March, though my slow ass writing style could screw up the schedule.

What's it about?  Trade secret (we're still working on that).  What's the name of it?  Dunno yet.  What can you expect?  Lots of swearing, action, and comedy.

So there you have it.  Prepare to be kicked in the fart box.

He-Man Was Gay.

I used to love He-Man when I was a kid.  Dragging my parents to the movie rental place for a couple of tapes of Masters of the Universe was a weekly occurrence.  I had all the toys, watched all the episodes, carried a sword around, and could be heard yelling "I have the power!" all over the neighborhood.  He-Man was my hero.

Watching it now, I can't believe how hilariously gay he was.  Now, that doesn't bother me at all, but I do get quite a kick out of the reaction on other guy's faces when you tell them that He-Man likes dudes.  How no one noticed this in the 80's is beyond me.


He-Man's alter ego was Prince Adam.  Prince Adam wore pink tights.  That should have cemented it for everyone right there, but it was the 80's and people wore all kinds of weird shit back then.  In the intro to every episode he said "fabulous powers".  Totally gay.  Look at his tiger/cat thing in this picture - even it is wondering about Prince Adam.


Beyond the closeted homosexuality, another thing I find awesome about He-Man, is that no one can tell that he's Prince Adam.  All he does when he turns into He-Man is take his shirt off and talk in a deeper voice.  Hell, he still carries around the same damn sword.  He walks around with a giant cat following him everywhere, and He-Man rides a giant cat.  Hmmm.... how could anyone solve that riddle....

At least Superman slicked his hair back.  He-Man doesn't even bother.  He-Man don't give a shit - he'll just rock the same bowl cut, appearance be damned.  I guess he figured that all of his friends are just completely brain dead.  They couldn't tell he was gay after all, so he probably wasn't concerned about them figuring out his "secret" identity.

And why do so many people have "Man" in their names on this show?

He-ManMan-At-ArmsMan-E-FacesRam ManMoss ManBeast ManMer-ManMantenna
Or they're names end in -or:
SkeletorPanthorWebstorSpikorStinkorNinjorMegatorDragstorGrizzlorMosquitorRattlorTung LashorStridorKing RandorGwildor
Wow.  Typing up this blog post really makes me want to watch He-Man.  There is a character named Fisto in it for Christ's sake.  Talk about something being so awful that it's great....
Check out this clip for sheer awesomeness.


I have the power!

The Moral Obligation of Authors

So I apparently have a moral responsibility to keep vulgarity, sex, violence, and any other horse shit someone thinks is inappropriate out of my books.  It's my duty as an author and a human being.  Oh, you didn't know that?  Neither did I until recently.  I haunt a message board for authors that shall remain nameless, and laugh my ass off most of the time when I'm reading it.

A conversation going on this week consisted of what should be included in Young Adult books.  Eventually the crazies came out, as they always do, and started explaining that all of the best things in life (sex, swearing, kicking ass) are bad, and shouldn't be in books.  You read that right - they're inappropriate.  Now, even if they're only speaking for YA novels, I still don't buy it.  I don't know what these geniuses remember about high school, but getting laid was the number one priority for almost everybody.

Basically, I'm ruining the minds of children everywhere.  The vulgarity and violence in my work is crushing the human race.  Unfortunately for the thinking impaired, I'm in charge of no one but myself (and my kids when I actually have some), so take your high horse out back and shoot it, because it's not doing you any good.

I write books about flesh eaters, telepaths, and monsters.  I blog about mullets, swearing, and Hulk Hogan.  If you think I'm some kind bastion of humanity, then you're a mo-ron.  Seriously, you're dumb to the point of hilarity.

If you don't like what's in a book then don't read it.  If you don't want your kids to read it, then do your goddamn job as a parent and stop them.  Take your censorship and shove it up your ass.  Douche.

Ranting is so much fun!

Hulk Hogan. Going America All Over Your Ass.

Is there anything more American than Hulk Hogan? I'll answer that for you:  hell no.

Seriously, what screams I'm-American-Go-Fuck-Yourself more than a Hulk Hogan wrestling match? If you haven't seen this bad dude with a big 'tude wrestle in awhile, then allow me to walk you through his awesomeness. Doing another bullet list, deal with it.

He wears red and yellow tights, boas, dew rags, weight belts, sunglasses, and boots. All at the same time. He's a 58 year old 'roided up (or at least he used to be) (please don't sue me) dude that gets in a fake fight in front of 20,000 people. He plays an invisible electric guitar while walking to the ring and talking to himself. He's almost completely bald, but let's what little he has left grow long and then bleaches the hell out of it. He tans so much that my eyes actually burn if I look at his skin for too long. He rips his shirt off before he fake fights. When he's about to lose his fake fight, he "Hulks Up" which consists of absorbing fake punches, pumping his hands in front of him and stalking around the ring in a big circle. Then points at them, yells "YOU!" and then fake kicks their ass. He has a bleached handlebar mustache. He calls everyone "dude". He still wears a bandanna 78 years after they went out of style. He starred in Suburban Commando.
Now you're probably reading this and thinking that I hate Hulk Hogan. I don't. I think he's the shit. I'm American, go fuck yourself.

MacGyver. Hell yeah.

I don't remember this show being as hilariously ridiculous as it actually is.  I grew up loving this show.  Hell, I use MacGyver as a verb when I'm trying to rig something up.  I love MacGyver.

Having said that, this show is bad.  Really bad.  I've been slowly watching through the entirety of the series and I'm just about to finish the last couple of episodes.  The shit that MacGyver is capable of makes Einstein look like a monkey humping a rock.

And he has a rad mullet.  In case you haven't noticed by now, I'm obsessed with the power of the mullet. If someone wanted to defeat him, all they had to do was cut his hair and he would have become instantly retarded.

Everyone knows that he is capable of building a car out of toe nail clippings and floss, or that he could dismantle a bomb with a forklift (he really did do that, sort of).  I'm willing to bet you didn't know that besides being a master of physics, chemistry, mathematics, fist fights, and perfectly quaffed hair, Macgyver has worked on, or is capable of, these jobs at one point or another:


bomb technicianspyexperimental jet pilothostage rescuecomputer programmercab drivergeologistbodyguardmechanicworks with the police on investigations, bomb threats, murders, etc.mountain climberspeaks French, German, Italian, Russian, and has "very rusty" Latin.hockey coachtree huggerarchaeologistpreserves wild life while hang gliding around the wildernessacts as a lawyer on occasiontrains a boxerproduces music videosexpert in Morse codeworks against acid rainbreaks up gangsbreaks up drug ringsbreaks up firearm ringsbreaks up mafia familiesbreaks up international spy agencies

And much, much more.  The dude lives on a house boat - how bad ass is that?  I do feel sorry for him though, because he is incapable of walking down the street without witnessing a bank robbery or triple homicide.  He can't even watch a hockey game without being involved in some kind of assassination plot.
MacGyver doesn't drink, hates guns, is a vegetarian, protects the environment, and continually works for social causes.  If he didn't have a righteous mullet and punch fools in the face every episode, I would think he was a pussy.
I also love that he constantly wears sleeveless shirts, but has no muscle definition whatsoever.  Totally bad ass.  I could go on and on about MacGyver with no real point for ages, so I'll just stop here.  
Richard Dean Anderson 4 Life.

First Author Interview

My first author interview just went live.  Check it out!
Jason, I love your books but I know you just recently started writing. What did you do before you decided to become an author? I did contract work as a Digital Forensic Analyst for the Department of Defense.  It sounds more important than it actually is.  Basically I broke into computers and looked for naughty things.  I’ve also done IT work, and home theater installations.  I tried to become a porn star after I quit, but for whatever reason my wife didn’t like that idea. I asked around to a few different authors for interview advice and Elle Casey suggested asking “Why do you write?” So Jason, why do you write? After the porn career idea was shot down I had to come up with something else.  Writing seemed like a natural transition from pornography, so here I am.  Actually, I have a degree in film and television production and was all set to move to L.A. (not for porn, really!), but I met my wife a few months before graduation.  I decided to forgo that career to stay back East with her.  Though I didn’t go into the business, I have a serious passion for movies and books that never went away.  Writing novels isn’t too far from writing screenplays, and with the digital book revolution ongoing, I decided to throw my hat on the pile. I read on an advice for interviews blog that most authors hate to be asked how they get their ideas…why do you think that is? If I had to guess, it’s probably because most authors are turds, e.g. Elle Casey.  Writers are like anyone else, and most people happen to be turds.  Look at me – I’m an author, and I’m a turd.  That question might bother some people, because they don’t know how to answer it.  Sometimes ideas just pop in there, which is usually the case with me.
Follow the link below to read the rest!

http://cynthiashepp.wordpress.com/2012/06/18/interview-with-jason-brant-author-of-echoes-and-gehenna/

Best of the Best - Cinematic Excellence

Oh. Em. Gee.

The Tall One and I have a soft spot for watching really bad 80's martial arts movies, usually starring Van Damme.  Or at least I like to watch them and she just deals with it, as she does with most of my bullshit.  Anyway, you're guaranteed good times if you get a sixer of beer and watch Bloodsport.  Hi-larious.

I'll probably end up discussing a lot of these fantastically bad movies at one point or another, but today we cover the amazing 'Best of the Best'.  I won't get into the story much, because it just isn't important.




Dude.  Eric Roberts performance in this is so gloriously over the top that he makes Hulk Hogan look like a minimalist.  His bitchin' hair alone is Oscar worthy.  It's actually even better than this picture shows, but it's the best I could find.  The other thing you'll notice in this screenshot, is that he's about to cry.  I'd estimate that he cries 87 times in this movie.  He goes from happy to crying at the drop of a hat.  It happens so often that his character should probably be tested for bipolar disorder.

He really raises his amazing performance to the next level during a scene at the end where his shoulder dislocates.  He takes emoting pain to areas never seen before in cinema.  Apparently, when your shoulder is injured it makes your legs stop working - who knew?  It also makes you scream and whine incoherently, only to become instantly calm again when someone whispers "there is no pain" into your ear.  I actually have a man crush on Eric Roberts now.  True story.

James Earl Jones also stars as the coach of the good old U.S. of A. tae kwon do team.  All he does is yell at   everyone the entire movie.  I can picture the director, sitting behind the camera, telling him he's not yelling enough.  It's over acting to the extreme, which is odd because JEJ (yeah, we're cool like that) is a really talented actor.  But here, he constantly yells.  "Harder!" "Faster!" "Deeper!"  Ok, I may have added that last one.

Chris Penn has a turn in this as another martial artist.  Yup, the fat Penn brother is supposed to be a Tae Kwon Do bad ass in this.  It works about as well as you'd expect.  He wears a cowboy hat and cops attitude the entire movie.  He should have done more blow before going on set and really ramped up his insanity another notch to match Roberts and Jones.

Of course there are the obvious 80's martial arts cliches such as brick breaking, karate chopping trees, and Asians wearing eye patches.  It's just all around awesome.

So go grab some beer, hit up netflix, and enjoy yourselves.  I will warn you though - watching this without the aid of alcohol could lead to suicide.

Craigslist - The Haven of the Terminally Moronic

I bought a laptop on craigslist today. It was such an incredible pain in the ass, that I was close to conking people's heads together like Hulk Hogan. Conking is a sweet word - gonna have to use that more often. Anyway, the guy we got the computer from was so stupid that I'm actually concerned that he's starving to death right now, because he is incapable of remembering to feed himself.

First, I called someone else about a computer they had listed. When he answered the phone I told him I was calling about his laptop for sale. He hung up on me. I had already sent him an email asking about his listing, and the next day he responded, saying that the computer was still for sale.  When I told him that I called the day before and he hung up on me, he had no idea what I was talking about. Crack is whack, dip shit.

The next guy...wow. He lived an hour away from us, and I just wasn't willing to drive that far.  I asked if he would meet us halfway. He said that was too far, and then suggested a different meeting place that was in the WRONG DIRECTION. Yes, he actually wanted to meet somewhere that was further away for both of us.  After getting that straightened out, we settled on a meeting time of 1 PM the next day.  The following morning at 11 AM I sent him a text message confirming our meeting.

He replied that we were to meet at 1 PM the day before.  Even though I hadn't even contacted him until 7 PM.  That's probably confusing because my head is about to explode and I'm rambling.  In short, he apparently thought that I was capable of time travel, and that we were setting up a meeting for six hours prior to our conversation.  After setting up a new time, I grudgingly agreed to try this again.

We decided to meet in the parking lot of a grocery store.  I told him to meet me at the edge of the lot, that way we could see each other pulling in as we arrived. The Tall One and I get there, park at the edge by the entrance, and send him a text message that we are there.  A few minutes pass and we don't hear anything, so I give him a call. When he answers he tells me that he's already there, and that he's been waiting for quite awhile.

Captain Genius parked in the middle of the lot, with his car pointing in the wrong direction. So I walk up to his vehicle and he asks me my name before I can even say anything.  I tell him I'm Jason Fucking Brant (not really, but that would have been sweet) and then I go through the process of buying the computer from him. As I'm getting ready to leave, he asks me what my name is again.  Then asks me if he's already asked that. At this point I'm starting to get concerned for his health, my health, and the future of the human race.

We got the hell out of there, and then I continued to question myself as to why I still use craigslist.  I have a ton of other stories about people I've meet through that site, and I may have to post them sometime.

Including the time my brother sold a guy something, the man asked my bro if he was a Ron Paul supporter, gave him a book about the end of the world, and then peeled tired out of the driveway.

Yeah.  Use condoms people.

Suck It, George Lucas!

I haven't been as vocal about George Lucas incessant tinkering with the original Star Wars as others have. Though I find it ludicrous that he would alter something so culturally significant, and amazing, I always figured that they're his characters and his story.

Not anymore.

A few weeks ago, The Tall One and I (and the woman that I based the Nami character from Echoes on) watched the original trilogy on blu-ray on the 120" screen in the basement. Yeah, it's as awesome as it sounds. Except that George Lucas made even MORE changes. For the love of God man, stop. Someone please make this guy stop.

Now, at the end of Return of the Jedi, when Vader turns on the Emperor and saves Luke, he now screams "NOOOOOO" while he does it. The original silent rebellion he had during that scene was so strong and powerful that it made people cheer. Now it's crap. Goddamn it.

I have no idea why this is the thing that tipped me over the edge, but it did. He made a masterpiece thirty years ago when he first released these movies. He literally created something that people will always remember. Now he feels the need to shit on it every chance he gets. Maybe we should give Mona Lisa a mustache, and splatter some paint on the Sistine Chapel. I think Ride of the Valkyries needs some cowbell in it. The sculpture "David" needs some combat boots to really make it stand out.

Suck. It. George. Lucas.