Jason Brant's Blog, page 39

Tartarus Is Live!

A sequel to Gehenna has been one of the biggest requests I've had from readers, so here you go! Tartarus is the second book in the West of Hell trilogy that will be concluded in October with the final chapter titled Sheol .  Grab your copies and let me know what you think!  Here is the blurb:

With Gehenna burning behind them, Karen and McCall had hoped to escape by using the railroad. When one of the moaners is pulled aboard by concerned passengers, the unlikely duo have to survive a train ride from Hell.

As they head further West, toward the mighty Tartarus River, the outlaw and the prostitute must deal with not only an ever increasing army of the dead, but also with the machinations of the living.

The reason I haven't been blogging much is because I've really increased my writing output.  This is my second release in 5 weeks, and I hope to have another book out next month.  I will still get some blog posts out, but this is why they've slowed recently.

Xianne - One Hilarious Book

Yeah, yeah, I know.  I've been away a lot the past two weeks.  Fortunately, I've been busy writing, so you can expect a book release next week!

Anyway, I just read a fantastic debut novel from Jayce Grayson.  He hasn't released it in ebook format yet, even though I've been pleading with him to do so, but you can buy the paperback at here.

Here's the review I just posted to Amazon:

I'm not sure what I have to do to get a ride on the Xianne, but I'll pay the price with a smile.  If there is another book like this, I haven't read it.  Comedy, sex, science fiction, sex, and comedy.  That's a pretty hard combination to beat.  If your funny bone is malfunctioning, then don't bother.
Jayce has an incredible sense of humor.  His characters Sax and Jim play off each to great effect throughout the entire book.  Their back and forth conversations had me laughing out loud multiple times.  The barrage of sex scenes, told through the eyes of a 'nay' man, are fantastic, without ever feeling gratuitous.
One of the great joys of the indie book revolution is finding new, unknown authors and following them through their burgeoning careers.  Jayce has a new fan in me, and my only real complaint is that he hasn't released Vol. 2 yet.  Write faster!

Seriously, this book is funny as hell.  Sax and Jim are very similar to the two main characters in THE GATE, to the point where we've been joking around that Jayce and I are the same person.  Add him on facebook and tell him that I sent ya.  And go buy his book!

Teen Wolf - Twilight Makes Sense Compared to This

That's right.  This movie is so nonsensical that it makes Twilight's story line seem plausible.  And I absolutely love it.  Teen Wolf, not Twilight.

I'm not sure if this is because of my love for Michael J. Fox 80's movies, or because I like things that are ludicrous and self aware.  This flick has both of those qualities in spades.  This thing makes NO SENSE AT ALL.  I haven't seen the new TV show and I have no intention of doing so.  The commercials I've seen make it look like it's trying to go the serious route - big mistake.

So what doesn't make sense?  Basically the entire thing.  It's about a teen that starts going through 'changes'. But these aren't the kind that you and I went through, oh no.  He's growing hair on his forehead, his voice is getting a nice growl, and his eyes glow red for no apparent reason.  Obviously, he's becoming a werewolf.


He first goes full wolf in the middle of a high school basketball game that he's playing.  So he's captured or killed by a fearful mob right?  Wrong.  He dribbles the ball through his legs a few times, takes it down the court and dunks it.  Then everyone is cool with it.  You see, they were a terrible team, but if they have a werewolf on their side, they can win.  Makes sense, right?  I didn't think so either.  I also had no idea that werewolves are total bad asses at basketball.  Who knew?


Of course, the hottest chick in the school (who looks to be about thirty) didn't even know he was alive before, but now has the hots for him because he's a werewolf.  Hunh??  It seems that people in this town have never watched a horror movie before.  And since when do you hotties like guys covered in hair?  I guess manscaping wasn't too popular in the 80's.  His neighbor is in love with him, of course, but he doesn't notice it because he's too busy goin' after the blonde.  Blah blah, yeah.


Apparently it's rather easy to buy a keg of beer when you're a werewolf as well.  I didn't know that.  For the first part of the movie, his friend Styles is trying to get some brew, but the asshole at the distributor won't sell to a 16 year old.  Weird.  Well, it seems that if you can make your eyes glow and talk in a deep voice that you can get whatever you want.  Little ass MJ managed to get a keg by doing just that.  It's a shame I didn't know this would work when I was younger.  I could have bought some contacts....


And being a werewolf makes you popular.  Goddamn it.  The things you just don't know when you're in school... That's right - instead of being shot and having his corpse studied in a government laboratory for the rest of time, he becomes Joe Cool.  What?  Where are the government agents?  Who cares, MJ is too awesome for their bullshit apparently.


Now this guy cracked me up every time he appeared on screen.  He was Coach Finstock and he gave out some truly inspirational advice such as:

There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

What is it, gambling? Drugs? You know I'd really like to help you but I'm kind of tapped out this month. The IRS is coming down on me like it's some personal vendetta against Bobby Finstock.

Coach Finstock: Look Scotty, I know what you're going through. Couple years back, a kid came to me much the same way you're coming to me now, saying the same thing that you're saying. He wanted to drop off the team. His mother was a widow, all crippled up. She was scrubbing floors. She had this pin in her hip. So he wanted to drop basketball and get a job. Now these were poor people, these were hungry people with real problems. Understand what I'm saying?
Scott Howard: What happened to the kid?
Coach Finstock: I don't know. He quit. He was a third stringer, I didn't need him.

It doesn't matter how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose. And even that doesn't make all that much difference.

So there you have it.  I've learned a lot of things from this movie.  Want to be popular?  Become a werewolf.  Want to date the hottest person in school?  Become a werewolf.  Shitty athlete?  Become a werewolf.  Want to give out awesome advice?  Be a basketball coach.

Why Do I like Crappy Horror Movies?

I love horror movies.  Unfortunately, they usually suck.  I've spent a lot of time slogging through crappy indie flicks to try and find the gems.  Honestly, I enjoy doing that (obviously, or I wouldn't do it), but I do end up punishing myself quite a bit.

Lately I've been watching a ton of movies in the 'found footage' genre.  That means that they were made with no budget, actors, skill, or common sense.  These are typically some of the worst movies you'll ever see in your life.  And yet, I still love watching them.  If I had to guess why, I would probably say that something about voyeuristic nature of the way they're shot is what draws me in.  Or I could be making that up entirely - I dunno.

An example of this is The Blair Witch Project.  You want to talk about a movie that most people absolutely hate...  And yet, I love it.  I think it's scary as hell.  Maybe it's the rawness of the acting and emotion, or the lack of music - I'm not sure.  I thought this movie was genius when it first came out.  Just about everyone I know thinks I'm a dumb ass for liking it.

Paranormal Activity is another one that I really, really like.  Actually, I think the entire series has been really good.  I can't wait for the fourth one to hit in October.  I'll be there opening weekend.  Even though people like to say that these movies aren't scary, I've literally seen people screaming in the theaters.

I just watched Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County, which is a made for TV movie using the found footage style, and I thought it was great.  I'm sure most people would watch this and think it was garbage, but I really enjoyed it.  I don't think you can actually find this flick anywhere, but I'm fortunate enough to have an old copy of it.

Ghostwatch is one that I would recommend to anyone, however, because of the story behind it.  This was actually a show that aired live on the BBC, with a popular news anchor as the host.  It played out like a live broadcast and apparently a ton of people watching it thought it was real.  Hey, people be dumb.  So many people were pissed off by this that the show was banned for an entire decade before finally seeing the light of day again on DVD.  I wish I could have experienced this live and seen the reactions people had.

So yeah, I'm THAT GUY that likes found footage horror movies.  Damn it.

Asshole.

If you've read this blog before then you know that I really don't like a lot of the authors I've had the displeasure of dealing with.  Now, there are a few that have been beyond cool and down to earth and I've mentioned them before.  Oh what the hell, here is a shameless plug for them: Elle Casey, Jack Sheppard, Amber Sweetapple, and now Jayce Grayson.  Buy their books - they're great reads from great people.

Now, I should say that I haven't had interactions with a LOT of authors, so I'm painting them with a broad brush when I probably shouldn't be, but whatever.  The assholes always seem to stick out, and they're the ones I'm talking about.  So what got my panties twisted?  Today I got to see yet another example of 'author's being douche nozzles' on Facebook.

The basic gist of the story is that an author was dropped from their publishing contract, got pissed off, and went to Goodreads and left a bunch of one star reviews for writer's who were still signed by said publisher.  Yup, that happened.  This person got upset and went and tried to bring down other authors that had nothing to do with the situation.  I'm not going to name who this person is because they're clearly a giant butt dart and I don't need them leaving me shitty reviews out of spite.

Getting dropped from a contract must suck, but why in the hell would you go and try and ruin someone else's  ability to sell books because of it?  What kind of screwed up asshole are you?  This moron went as far as leaving a review for a book that hasn't even been released yet!  I would love to out this shithead, but they've already been caught creating shadow accounts to leave even more bad reviews.  I don't need that kind of stupidity hovering around me.

What is wrong with people?  Sometimes I just want to try and slap some common sense into them.  I know it wouldn't work, but it sure would be fun to give it a shot.

I've been told that my rants have been lacking in anger and vulgarity lately, so I hope this one makes up for a bit.  :)

Arnold's Back

Finally, the action king returns.  I've been pissed off for eight years straight.  Why?  Arnold quit acting.  Damn it.  This dude made the most hilarious action films EVER.  Some were bad (Batman & Robin), some were great (Total Recall), and some were just plain hysterical (Kindergarten Cop).  Occasionally they were all three (The Running Man).  After nearly a decade, Arnold Schwarzenegger is making his triumphant return in the new Expendables 2.

Ok, so the trailers make the new movie look shockingly bad.  Who the hell did the special effects in some of those scenes?  It looks like some kid bought Photoshop last weekend and tried to make things blow up.  And why would you show those shitty effects in a trailer?  What's going on there?  Either way, I can't wait to see the movie.  It looks to me, I hope at least, that the director and actors knew they were making something ridiculous and embraced it.  If this isn't insanely over the top, then I'm going to be rampaging through my house all weekend.

When I was a teenager I used to annoy the hell out of my friends by always talking about the movie Predator.  Damn I love that film.  Arnold, the jungle, big guns, bigger muscles, aliens, severed limbs.... it doesn't get much better.  Between that and Terminator 2, Arnold has made two of the best action flicks of all time.

Now, to be completely honest, his acting is probably going to suck in this.  I expect them to completely overdo everything, including his catch phrases.  But who gives a shit, it's fucking ARNOLD.  If walked into frame and took a crap in the middle of the movie I would still geek out. Yeah, I'm gross.  He better have a body count of at least fifty in The Expendables 2.

And with that, I'll leave you with this video.  It's the best 10 minutes you'll ever spend in your life.  Minus all of the Batman & Robin shit in it....

The Gate - My New Book!

Hell yeah!  This one has been a long time coming.  One thing I hear from a lot of readers are that they wish my books were longer.  Well, I listened.  The Gate is TWICE the length of my other works, so I hope you enjoy it!  Like my other books, this one is full of humor and quirky characters.  It just went live on Amazon and should be up on Barnes and Noble tomorrow.  iTunes and the paperback will all be available in the coming days.

Here's the blurb:

Bryan Armstrong and Kyle Detwiler, two college students on the cusp of graduation, are the lucky winners of a contest to become interns on the paranormal television show The Specter Slayers.

Their excitement turns to jubilation when they discover that they'll be aiding in the investigation of The Danver Church, one of the most haunted places in America. Nestled in the remote mountains of Pennsylvania, the church is world renowned for the massacre that occurred there forty years earlier.

Accompanied by best-selling horror author Katie Upshaw, they attempt to survive a dream job that quickly turns into a nightmare. The church, adorned with satanic symbols and imagery, is the home of things far worse than any of them could have imagined.

$3.99 on Amazon!

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The Tall One Meets Lzzy Hale.

The Tall One's favorite band is Halestorm, a bad ass rock group lead by front woman Lzzy Hale.  If you haven't heard of them, then watch the video below - you're in for a real treat.  They kick some serious ass.


We found this band a couple of years ago before they signed their first record deal, and have been going to their shows any chance we get.  Now, The Tall One loves Lzzy Hale's style so the picture at the top of this post was a big deal.  They actually look like sisters.  We went to one of their concerts (Halestorm, Chevelle, Evanescence) this week for my  wife's birthday.  Before the show started we were sitting at a restaurant when she got a phone call from Arejay Hale, the band's drummer!  He called to wish her a happy birthday - how awesome is that?  Here is a picture of him on the phone with her:



So anyway, long story short, he told us to meet them after the show, but when we went to their bus he wasn't anywhere around.  However, Lzzy came out to sign autographs, and my adoring wife managed to talk to her and get a picture!  It was quite shocking how nice and down-to-earth she was, considering the success they've had recently.  It's always great to find out that there are some artists out there that aren't complete tools.  I've had limited success so far, and I'm a giant turd sandwich.


Joe Hottinger, the band's guitarist also came out and wished The Tall One a happy birthday.  He came across as shockingly humble.  He thanked us about fifty times for seeing the show and being fans.  He stood around and talked to us for several minutes, just shooting the shit and taking pictures.  VERY cool dude.

Meeting these guys makes me feel like I have to reign in on the 'artist's are douches' rhetoric, though I really don't want to.  Seeing Amy Lee on stage actually kind of cemented my ideas about arrogance in the arts, but that's another story.

Anyway, happy birthday to The Tall One!  And thanks to Halestorm for being such awesome people!

Holy. Balls.

This is going to be short and sweet.  I recently watched a movie called The Perfect Weapon.  It opens with this scene:


Holy shit.  You can't make this stuff up.  Who in their right mind thought it would be great to play Snap! while Jeff Speakman twirled around shirtless in his living room?  Whoever came up with this intro to the movie IS A DAMN GENIUS!  That's nearly two straight minutes of... whatever that is.

YES!

Quantum Leap

Wearing tights while standing in smoke with a light behind him... no this isn't a strip club.  It's Quantum Leap, and it's awesome.

If you haven't seen this show then you're a loser.  If you want to be a winner, then go buy the DVD box sets right now, and enjoy your path to being cool.  For realz.  Dr. Sam Beckett, the main dude of the show, is one of my favorite characters of all time.

The gist of Quantum Leap is time travel, but with a slightly different twist.  This is the intro to the show and it can explain the show better than I can.  It also rocks:



So basically, he goes through time and fixes people's lives.  He leaps into pregnant women, boxer's in the middle of a fight, actors on stage, pilots in mid flight, gay guys in the Navy (not in the middle of anything), mixed race couples in the 60's, and all kinds of other crazy stuff.  Sam Beckett has multiple Ph.D's, is a master of martial arts, invented time travel, and most likely has a giant penis.  Though his dong isn't actually discussed at any point in the show, he has everything else going on for him so I'm just making the assumption.

Al is a hologram that appears at random points and helps Sam figure shit out.  This is another great character.  He's always wearing crazy outfits (he's still in the future), smokes cigars, and is a giant womanizer.  Awesome.  I probably made him sound like a giant douche, but he's actually a very compassionate and helpful friend of Sam's.

All kinds of crazy things happen throughout the seasons.  Sam meets several famous people, runs into something that may or may not be Satan, leaps into his own family members, gets entwined in the assassination of JFK, and much more.

I can't recommend this show enough.  It was on TV at the same time as MacGyver, but is actually good.  It's easily my favorite program.  Now, I will warn you that the first season was pretty low budget.  The show really picked up during the second season and got to kickin' ass.

Go watch it.

Oh boy.