Ex-Girlfriend Tries to Use the Jedi Mind Trick On Me

I thought I'd share a true story with you today.  This is not an exaggeration, I swear.

During my freshman year in college I dated a woman who we'll call.... Shmisa.  Bet you can't crack that code.  So, Shmisa was older than me by just under three years.  Since she was a junior, her concerns were about post college life.  Kids, marriage, grad school, blah blah.  I wanted to drink my face off.  Looking back at at it now, we really didn't have a whole hell of a lot in common.  Young and dumb, I guess.  What can I say - I was an idiot.  (Yeah, yeah.  I know that you're thinking I'm still an idiot.  Shut up.)

Li... I mean, Shmisa and I dated for about a year or so.  She broke up with me at the beginning of my sophomore year.  Being the dumbass that I was, (Yeah, yeah.  I heard you the first time.  Shut up.) I ended up taking her back two weeks later.  Throughout the next two months we broke up three times.  See?  Told you I was an idiot. (Pipe the fuck down already.)

She tried to get me to take her back a third time (She wasn't so smart either, I suppose.) and I finally told her no.  That didn't go over well.  After a few weeks, she called me up and asked if I wanted to watch the Steelers' game at her house.  You know, just as friends.  Now, this surprised me since she didn't like football.  Because I'm a moron, (Shhh.  I hate you.) I agreed and went over.  Within twenty minutes, she was putting the moves on me like we'd never broken up in the first place.  She honestly pretended that nothing had ever happened between us, like I would somehow forget that we weren't together anymore. I rebuked her advances and hauled ass out of there.

I didn't hear from her again for months.  The holidays passed by without a word.

A month or two into the second semester, the phone in my room rang.  It was Shmisa calling from the phone outside of my building.  Back then we didn't have cell phones.  (I'm old.  Shut up.  You're a real dick, you know that?)  If you wanted to get in a dorm that wasn't yours, you had to call the person you wanted to see and have them open the door for you.  Anyway, I was shocked to hear from her.  Like I said, quite a bit of time had passed.  Thinking everything would be cool now, I went down to see what was up.  Because she wasn't able to fool me in her apartment a few months ago, she decided to try a little harder with her Jedi Mind Trick.

The following is from our conversation.  This isn't verbatim, because it's been years, but it's not an exaggeration.

Me:  "What's up, Shmisa?"
Shmisa:  "I have an out-of-state water polo game, so I'll be gone for a few days."
Me:  "Uhh.... OK?"
Shmisa:  "I just wanted to say bye and I'll see you when I get back."
Me:  "What?  Why would I see you when you get back?"
Shmisa:  "The bus is leaving, so I have to go.  Give me a kiss quick."
Me:  "Lisa, we aren't dating anymore."
Shmisa:  "Why are you being so difficult?  I don't have time for this, I have to go."
Me:  "I think I'm going back upstairs now.  See ya."

I was totally confused by her behavior at this point.  Like I said, we hadn't said a word to each other in months.  Anyway, I started to close the door when she got mad at me.  I can't remember what she said, but it was so ludicrous that I started to laugh because of how hilarious the situation was.  She got really pissed and actually stomped her foot at me.  That made me laugh harder.  I didn't intend to come across like a butthole, but I couldn't stop the laughter.  It was just too crazy.

She left and I didn't hear from again for another four or five months.  Now, for a bit of background on the next part, I should tell you that her father took a job in Germany for a year or something like that.  She'd decided to spend the summer in Europe him.  In June, after the school year had ended, I got a phone call at my parents house.  Little did I know that I was about to get the full power of the Force thrown at me.

Me:  "Hello?"
Shmisa:  "Hi."
Me:  "Who is this?"
Shmisa:  "Shmisa."
Me:  "Schmisa?  How are you?  What's up?"
Shmisa:  "We bought your plane ticket."
Me:  "Who bought me what?"
Shmisa:  "My Dad and I bought your plane ticket to Germany."
Me:  "Wait, what?  Why would you buy me a ticket to Germany?"
Shmisa:  "So we can spend the summer together."
Me:  "I'm really confused here.  Why would we spend the summer together?  We broke up six months ago."
Shmisa:  "Why are you being so difficult?  All it's going to take for this to work is you getting on a plane."
Me:  "I'm the one being difficult?  We aren't even together!"
Shmisa:  "I don't understand why you're acting like this.  This is such a simple thing for you to do."
Me:  "Jesus."

She started crying on the phone at that point, but I can't remember what was said.  The fact that she called me to say that she'd already purchased my ticket scared the shit out of me.  She acted like we'd planned the entire thing, and now I was changing my mind like an asshole.  WEIRD.

Sooooo..... yeah.  She tried to trick me into thinking we'd never broken up on three separate occasions.