Edward Lorn's Blog, page 50

Everything’s Eventual Review (and more)

Review:

 As with all of Stephen King’s collections, I’m giving each story a one-sentence review. Before we begin, I would like to say a few things that have little to do with this book’s contents. If you do not care for personal stories in reviews, you should take this chance to move along, or you may scroll past the next few paragraphs. But I hope you’ll join me. Maybe my story will help someone who doesn’t know they need help.

While listening to this one (I chose the audiobook for this reread), I tried to remember what was going on in my life when this book came out. The year was 2002, the month was March, and six months prior, I had met the woman who would become my wife. I was working as a CNA for a local hospital and had been clean for about five months. My drug of choice was heroin. My wife is the reason I decided on recovery. Not because it was love at first site, or any of that nonsense, but because I finally found something I cared more for than the drugs. To this day, she doesn’t knows how bad I was. She might have an idea that I was on something, but I don’t think she knew the extent of my addiction.

Any junkie will tell you, “Once a junkie, always a junkie.” As far as I see it, there are three stages of being a Junkie: Active junkie, relapsed junkie, and recovering junkie. There is no former junkie. If you’ve ever enjoyed hard drugs, you will always have a taste for it. The fits and seizures and sweats and vomiting everything you eat lasts about two weeks. If you’re lucky, you can sleep through the first few days. If you’re unlucky, like I was, you ride that motherfucker until sparks spit from the undercarriage. It’s a perpetual feeling of being dragged through a field of insulation. You can’t scratch deep enough and motor control is a concept lost on you. All this to kick something that makes you feel like you’re soaking in a warm cloud of perpetual orgasm whenever you take it. Is it any wonder junkies relapse? What most junkies don’t tell you is how badly you need a smoke, a shot, a snort, a drink, or whatever, for as long as one year later. That need eventually turns into a lesser want after the first year and you just have to ignore it if you’re going to make it. But that first year, man… It is fucking awful. Everything seems like it would be so much better if you relapsed, if you just gave in and took that smoke, that shot, that snort, that drink… But it won’t be. Sure, that first hour is gonna be magic, kid, but everything after is gonna feel like prematurely ejaculating inside the girl of your dreams, or having the man of your dreams squirt off after two pumps. You’ll want to go again. But you shouldn’t. Because getting better starts with changing your attitude and finding something greater than the addiction.

But anyway. My recovery was why I hated this book when it first came out. I was in a bad place with a great person. And what I once considered one of King’s worst books turned out to be not so bad after all. I really enjoyed myself this time around. However, I still believe this is his weakest collection. Even if there are two amazing stories herein, the rest are just so-so. Here’s why:

“Autopsy Room Four” – There’s a fine line between tribute and thievery, and King walks it in this homage to an old Twilight Zone episode. ***

“The Man in the Black Hat” – King won an O. Henry award for this short, but other than the description of the titular devil, it falls a little flat for me. ***

“All That You Love Will Be Carried Away” – This literary tale is, I think, what sets King apart from every other writer in the business – he can play at any genre and succeed because he’s a jack of all trade of the wordsmith variety. ****

“The Death of Jack Hamilton” – Loved the disgusting bits, but this one goes on way too long. **

“In The Deathroom” – I feel the same way about this one as I did with the last one. **

“The Little Sister of Eluria” – Whether it be a day trip or a long vacation, Mid-World is one of my favorite destinations. *****

“Everything’s Eventual” – A little tale of psychic persuasion with ambiguous morals. ***

“L.T.’s Theory of Pets” – Just fucking funny. *****

“The Road Virus Heads North” Can’t be bothered to give a fuck for this one, but the television adaptation wasn’t bad. *

“Lunch at the Gotham Café” – So much gory fun. ****

“That Feeling, You Can Only Say What It Is in French” – Repetitive to the point of inducing sleep, and unfortunately, that’s the point. **

“1408” – Probably one of the coolest ideas King’s approached. ****

“Riding the Bullet” – A fun little ride, but not much else. ***

“Lucky Quarter” – Sad. ***

In summation: Everything’s Eventual is King’s most inconsistent collection. You can almost hear King singing, “Somma dis shit, somma dat shit, a whole lotta uddah shit,” over and over as he threw these stories together. For my money, I would have loved to have seen him hold onto these and pair them with the tales in Just After Sunset and given us another massive collection like Nightmares & Dreamscapes. Oh well. You know what they say. “Want in one hand and shit in the other.”

Final Judgment: Some of everything is eventually put on display.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1257627/everything-s-eventual-review-and-more

Reading progress update: I’ve read 211 out of 583 pages.

This collection isn’t half as bad as I remember it. I’m wondering what was going on in my life the time I first read it, which would have been the week it came out… 

 

I honestly can’t remember shit from 2002. Or the year after it. Must consult the History Professor (aka my wife).

 

In the meantime, I’m finding myself enjoying these tales. “The Little Sisters of Eluria” is the only one I would give five stars at this point. All the ones before it are strong threes. That’s a vast improvement. The first time I read this, I hated everything but the Dark Tower story.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1257353/reading-progress-update-i-ve-read-211-out-of-583-pages

The God Project Review

Review:

Holy shit, where do I begin…

The book opens with an infant’s death. SIDS is a horrible fucking thing. We watch a very believable scenario in which the mother doesn’t want to believe her baby girl is dead. This section is really well done. Broke my heart.

And then the fuckery begins.

The author moves on and tries to explain SIDS through fictitious devices. I thought this was tactless. People deal with this horrible reality far too often. It is the number one cause of death in infants. It’s terrifying knowing that, sometimes, babies die unpredictably in their sleep. Offering up supernatural bullshit reasons seems disrespectful to me. But this is my opinion. Am I reading too far into it? Probably. But this is how I feel.

It gets worse, though.

One of my biggest pet peeves is the shit that happens in books simply because the plot says it needs to happen, no matter how unbelievable it might be: people making the stupidest decisions because the author needs to get from point A to point B; people not noticing obvious shit or completely ignoring it because the author needs them to react that way; and huge leaps of logic that end up being fucking spot on.

Here’s some examples of each of those things:

#1. Doctors in a super-secret research facility leave the doors to their operating theater unlocked so that a nine-year-old kid can just walk in and see all their creepy deeds as they operate on the boy’s friend.

#2. Mother’s of nine-year-old boys never notice that their sons have never been badly injured or have ever taken ill, and when they are injured, refused to acknowledge that they just saw their kid heal like fucking Wolverine before their very eyes. There are two of these scenes in this book. The first is when a kid dumps acid on his arm, and when the blisters immediately disappear, she shrugs it off and thinks, “It must not have been so bad.” Dafuq? Who doesn’t know how acid works? Do any of you reading this review not understand how acid works and why it’s dangerous? Don’t you think you’d be fucking terrified if your kid dumped acid on his arm and the blisters just vanished? But wait, there’s more! A day later, same kid dumps fucking scalding-hot fudge down his arm. Mom rushes him to the hospital. Blisters are gone. Once again, the “Must not have been that bad” defense. Oh, and remember, this boy had NEVER hurt himself before the acid on the hand, and then he starts hurting himself daily. Why? Because the author needed to escalate the narrative. Motherfuck this lazy-ass storytelling device.

#3. Woman doing research on why super-secret tech company is keeping tabs on kids in her town figures out the super-secret code for their super-secret files by making this leap of logic:

M-E-D-R-E-A-C-H stands for MEDical REsearch Eastbury Children’s Hospital. Who the fuck would figure that out? Sherlock Holmes would bash his cock in his desk drawer trying to solve that fucking puzzle.

*growls as he pisses forcibly on the paperback copy of this book*

Not one line of this book is believable past the poor mother’s reaction to the death of her baby. I appreciated how the divorced couple comes together over the disappearance of their son and the married couple is torn apart by the death of their baby daughter, but everything else was so laughably bad that I can’t, in good conscious, give this more than one star. The writing is all over the place. The author definitely does not handle omniscient narration well. There’s no flow to it. He hops from head to head in the same chapter, and sometimes in the same paragraph. Internal thought isn’t italicized or set apart from the actual narration. You’ll be reading along in third person and all of a sudden you’ll see something like, I’m not going the right way. Several times, I had to stop and say, “Wait, what?” Once again, there’s no rules as to when this is done. They come out of nowhere, and since the author bounds around through his cast’s heads like a meth-addled pole vaulter, you never know who’s thinking what.

And let’s not speak of the unrealistic dialogue, or the idea the author conveys that every woman needs a man in crisis, as if a vagina makes you incapable of mourning without descending into madness. Plenty of men allow grief to destroy them, and there are numerous women who are strongest during the saddest moments in their lives. Trust me, I’ve seen both.

In summation: John Saul got a lot of shit for being a gay man who wrote mainly about children. In some people’s eyes, this automatically made him a pedophile. As far as I can find, the pedo accusation is unsubstantiated bullshit perpetuated by gossips. I could be wrong. But so could the mud-slingers. A good reason to hate John Saul’s work is because he was a terrible writer. This book is proof of that.

Final Judgment: A construction crane couldn’t suspend this much disbelief.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1256966/the-god-project-review

Fan Appreciatation and Anti-Spam Promotion

Starting in December of this year (2015), I will be giving away one short story a month. These tales will range from 1,000 to 4,000 words. I am currently testing a way to allow those of you who want to pay for the stories to be able to do so. There will be no delay if you choose to go the freebie route. Day one, you decide if and what you want to pay.

 

Why am I doing this? I have faith in my readership. I believe that, by offering up these free or Pay-What-You-Want singles, my readers will support my larger ventures. I also a vast majority will not go the free route. 

 

This isn’t a Kickstarter or GoFundMe or anything like that where you have to pay or donate before you receive you conten. You will be receiving finished stories that have been through the editing process. Likewise, each story will have its own cover and will be properly formatted. As of right now, I can only offer mobi or PDF files, as I still haven’t mastered formatting for epub. You will not have to sign up for a mailing list, either. You decide whether or not you want to receive updates at all by choosing to follow me on Wordpress, Booklikes, and Goodreads.

 

These stories will not always be horror. I plan on using this venture to experiment in new genres. One idea I am seriously considering is asking you guys what I should write. You give me a genre and/or a trope and I’ll write something based on your suggestions. We did this a few months ago with a Flash Friday post and had a lot of fun, so I figured we could expand something like that into a longer piece.

 

Not only is this post a teaser of what is on the horizon for my fans and followers, but it is also meant to give you a chance to weigh in several months before I begin releasing material. Is there anything you’d like to see me do with this? If you have any suggestions, feel free to comment below.  

 

I’m doing this because you guys have been so good to me. Seeing the success I have by using nothing more than word of mouth proves that you don’t have to spam and spend thousands on promotion as long as you’re honest and provide quality material. I’ve gotten where I am thanks to you, and I extend my sincerest appreciation for all that you do.

 

And finally, a cover reveal for this project’s first single, a sequel to my Christmas-themed freebie from last year, The Naughty List. Not only will The Naughty List be available for download again this holiday season, but you can also expect this…

 

 

Thank you for all your past, present, and future support. 

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1256619/fan-appreciatation-and-anti-spam-promotion

11/22/63 Review

Review:

Spoilers throughout. You’ve been warned.

Since 1998, I have purchased two copies of every one of Stephen King’s books on release day; one to read, and one to collect. With the invention of ebooks, I’ve saved money by being able to buy one ebook copy along with a hardcover to add to my collection. I currently own first editions of all King’s novels. (Yes, even Carrie. I’ll be paying off that credit card bill for some time.) I own every novel and short story collection he’s ever published in hardcover, paperback, and audiobook form. I have an entire bookshelf dedicated to my collection (pictures on Goodreads), and half a closet full of doubles, triples, and trash copies I’ve worn out over the years. I cried when I heard he was likely dead after a van struck him in 1999. I hooted and hollered when he received the Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters from the National Book Foundation, and most recently, when he was invited to the White House. Last October I started a reread of all of his novels (and, when time permitted, some of his collections), and after finishing 11/22/63, I have completed that challenge two weeks short of a year, successfully hitting my goal. During this reread of his catalog, I blogged after completing every decade of his career in a series I called “A Decade with King”, and those posts, if you’re interested, can be found here, along with my reviews for all of King’s works: https://edwardlorn.wordpress.com/52-i… Come December, my review of Just After Sunset will be featured on Mark West’s King for a Year project, which you can find here:http://kingreviews2015.blogspot.com/

I tell you all this not to brag, but to offer evidence of just how hard I fanboy over a man whom I feel is our greatest living storyteller. In my opinion, he’s one of the only popular novelists working today who have reached an insane level of success and still respects his craft. I firmly believe the only bad books he’s written were bad because he forced them out in an attempt to prove to himself that he could still write after almost dying. Even The Tommyknockers can be blamed on him trying to kick coke and alcohol.

With all that having been said, I must say, I never was all that thrilled with this book. Not upon first reading it, and not now. I’ve been asked why numerous times and my answer has always been the same. “I don’t like romance.” That, above all else, is why I don’t care for this book. Purely subjective. Reading this book is like reading Wizard and Glass all over again. Yes, wonderful, they danced together. It was sweet. Somebody get me an insulin shot. Awesome, he loves her after she’s disfigured. Wowzers, he blows all that hard work to save her … and yada, yada, yada … I know I sound terribly cynical, but I have a good reason for my dislike of romance.

No love story is greater than the one I am living. My wife is my world. She’s saved my life numerous times, and has given me two beautiful children. I am the luckiest man I know. And if you think I’m writing that to please the missus, you should know that my wife doesn’t read my reviews. She no longer reads my books, either. I’m a bit too bleak for her, and she likes to think of me as the cheery guy she sleeps next to every night instead of a peddler of nightmares.

Will you like 11/22/63? Probably. Most everybody else I know who’s read it loves it and calls it King’s best novel to date. It’s beautifully written, it’s just not my thing. The high points for me are all the sections without Sadie, which are few and far between. I also I didn’t care much for the scene in which Oswald’s plans are foiled. For such a long book, that one scene felt glossed over. Strangely enough, my favorite part of this book is when Jake returns to 2011 after having saved Kennedy only to find the world is one fucked up place. That’s the book I wanted to read, not 700+ pages of gushy love story bookended by about a 100 pages of actual story progression.

If I were ever to read this book again, I would definitely go with the audiobook. Craig Wasson does a terrific job, and his Kennedy impersonation is spot-the-fuck-on. I had big fun listening to this book this time around. Much more fun than I had when I read the text so many years back.

All right. Now we come to the warning I give in all my King reviews. You should know that this next section has spoilers for many of King’s works and not just 11/22/63. I only suggest clicking on the spoiler tag if you’ve read all of King’s work, or, at the very least, the Dark Tower books and their numerous tie-ins.

[spoiler]

Obvious Tie-Ins:

Derry
The idea of strings and colors and their effect on reality, which first appeared inInsomnia.
Takuro Spirit a car which, oddly enough, can be found in the plague ravaged landscape of The Stand as featured in Wizard and Glass when Roland’s ka-tet finally escape Blaine.
Ritchie and Bev from It have a rather substantial cameo, which I loved.

No conspiracy theories this time, folks. King has so many obvious tie-ins in this novel that there’s no speculation needed. The last time he connected so many dots in a non-Dark Tower novel was way back with Insomnia.

[/spoiler]

In summation: 11/22/63 simply isn’t my cuppa tea. It’s well-written, and shows a maturity of style that most authors never achieve, but the overall experience is lost on me because of all the kissy, kissy, lovey, dovey going on. I just wanted Jake to stop Oswald so we could see what the world would be like in the alternate future. What I got was a rehashing of the love story in Wizard and Glass that left a bad taste in my mouth. But I’m sure you’ll love it.

Final Judgment: No love lost.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1256289/11-22-63-review

Assignment Lowlands Review

Review:

Two days ago, I stood before my bookshelves, perusing my collection, trying to find my next read. I must have stood there for ten minutes. I opened some books, read the first page, flipped through others, but couldn’t decide. I know most of you (if not all of you) have had this problem. I was a rich socialite going through their closets before a night on the town; I had nothing to wear because I had too much I could wear. Well, thanks to the random number generator at Random.org, I was finally able to pick something off my TBR. Thank you, Goodreads, for allowing us to number our books.

About the book itself: My first Edward S. Aaron book was entertaining, and that’s all a book should be: an escape, a distraction, a bit of fuckery. Sure, it was dated and goofier than Disney porn in places, but it was enjoyable to the point that I didn’t want to put it down. It is, at the end of the day, a product of its times, and you’re likely not going to read it no matter how much I tell you I liked it, because the book is hard to find and not available on the digital market. (Funny side note: I bought a pulp paperback of this one at the Christian thrift shop in town for fifty cents; the book, when it was released, sold for the same price. Talk about retaining value *snicker*)

The plot was far more engaging than I thought it would be. Construction-type peoples uncover a bunker filled with pillaged artwork and viral weaponry from World War Dos. This bunker had been hidden underwater after the Nazis realized they were losing the war and destroyed the dam, flooding the area. Then along comes one person in search of the artwork, and a pair of bros looking to make millions by threatening the world with a virus codenamed Cassandra. CIA Agent Sam Durell is on the case, and if he doesn’t kill you, he might very well fuck you into submission. Fun times.

I did find at least one typographical error per chapter. Some of them were so bad, I had to stop reading to figure out what the sentence meant. Also, the formatting (I guess it would be typesetting in this book’s day and age) was wonky. Some paragraphs had no indenting, and one page had the sentences out of order. At times, I thought I was reading a poorly edited indie book. I think that, more than anything is why I gave it three stars instead of four.

In summation: I’m a big fan of James Bond movies, although I have yet to read any of the original Ian Fleming novels. I own Moonraker, but have yet to read it. Sam Durell seems to be an American version of Bond without all the cool gadgets. If that sounds like your thing and you can dig up a copy of Assignment Lowlands, read it.

Final Judgment: Past its expiration date but still edible.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1256005/assignment-lowlands-review

Real YouTube Comments (or Why I Weep for Humanity) #2

“Hitler would have prevented all of this”

 

No alterations were made to this YouTube comment.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1254888/real-youtube-comments-or-why-i-weep-for-humanity-2

DNF @ 100 pages

Review:

Can anybody tell me exactly what “Oriental laughter” is? It came issuing from a vent at one point in this book and I’m still trying to figure out what exactly that would sound like. 

 

Anyway, I gave this book 100 pages. That’s 50 pages more than I normally give a new-to-me author.

 

Mark this one down as Not For Me. 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1254729/dnf-100-pages

Randomized Randomocity #175

Thanks to Duolingo…

 

Jag talar inte svenska.

 

But… (sorry don’t know the word for “but” yet)

 

Jag läser svenska.

 

That is probably horribly wrong and Swedish people everywhere are laughing, but I’m trying. Soon, I will need someone fluent in svenska to talk to on Skype. I don’t need a teacher, just someone to chat with.

 

Lemme know if you’re interested, snälla. Tack!

 

(How badly did I do, Mad and/or Thomas?)

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1254489/randomized-randomocity-175

Confusing Series Order

I’ve been thinking about giving Clancy’s Jack Ryan series a go, because why not. I figured, at the very least, I’d give the first book in the series a go. That is, until I found the order list. Check this convoluted shit out:

 

Chronological order of the Jack Ryan series:
1. Patriot Games
2. Red Rabbit
3. The Hunt for Red October
4. The Cardinal in the Kremlin
5. Clear and Present Danger
6. The Sum of All Fears
7. Debt of Honor
8. Executive Orders
9. Command Authority
10. Full Force and Effect
11. Commander-in-Chief

Published order of the Jack Ryan series:
1984 The Hunt for Red October
1987 Patriot Games
1988 The Cardinal in the Kremlin
1989 Clear and Present Danger
1991 The Sum of All Fears
1994 Debt of Honor
1996 Executive Orders
2002 Red Rabbit
2013 Command Authority
2014 Full Force and Effect
2015 Commander-in-Chief

 

So, do I go chronologically or by publishing date? Have any of you read this series? Does it matter? Holler at me in the comment section.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1254076/confusing-series-order