Edward Lorn's Blog, page 47
October 16, 2015
Ruminating On: Walmart (Part 2)
Some of you will remember my last Walmart post, but for those of you who do not, you can find Part 1 HERE.
Complaints were made last time, and it seems the store has gotten even worse. I’m talking about Walmart store number 00483, the one located in Prattville, Alabama. I’m only blogging about this to try and bring attention to a problem that is apparently unsolvable.
Walmart’s complaint system sends complaints back to the store. But what happens when the management in the store is horrible? For instance:
Today, I took my mother on her monthly outing to Walmart. She’s disabled and she needs a motorized cart to get around. I go with her because she needs help reaching stuff high up on shelves and we know the employees at this particular Walmart are unhelpful. The only reason she still goes to this one is because her dogs like Old Roy treats and, yes, my mother is stubborn in her old age. Instead of finding a treat alternative or going to a different Walmart, she says, “I shouldn’t have to go somewhere else for the stuff I need. They need to fix this one.” I agree. She’s absolutely right. But Walmart’s complaint system is broken. There is no way to go over management’s head to some like a district manager. Who knows, maybe even the district manager here is a jerk like the rest of his subordinates.
Anyway, back to today. A CSM (Customer Service Manager) name Skertia, was standing in the middle of an aisle gossiping about other employees with the cashier who was ringing up my mother’s items. My mother said, “Excuse me,” because she needed to get by. Skertia kept right on talking. My mother repeated herself. Once again, nothing. I raised my voice and said, “Excuse me. Can we get by, please?”
This woman gave me a look like I’d stoned her baby and said, “That’s all you had to say.” Like what? I needed to say “Excuse me, please” instead of just “Excuse me”? Was that my unforgivable faux pas? But at least this time she stepped out of the way. When she did, my mother rolled by and headed for the exit where she planned to wait for me while I completed checking out.
Once my mother (a 69 year old woman in a motorized cart) was gone, Skertia thought it would be a good idea to start complaining about Mom to the cashier. “Oh, people give me a headache. Like she couldn’t get around me.” Actually, Mom couldn’t get around Skertia, because the carts at our local Walmart are roughly the size of grizzly bears and Skertia had (how can I say this and remain respectful?) a rather rotund rear end.
I should have left it alone. I should have kept my mouth shut and taken the bullshit coming out of this woman’s mouth like shit through a goose, but I’m protective of my mother, so I said, “Then maybe you need to go home and not deal with customers today.”
Skertia smiled for the first time and said, “Maybe I should. You’d like that, huh?”
Oh boy.
To keep from causing a scene, I left. I could have retorted, but it would have been pointless. These people are already making shitty money working for a shit employer in the even shittier southern United States. Their give-a-fuck is nonexistent, and anyone who assumes they have a fuck left to give is informed otherwise posthaste.
To wrap up this shitstorm, I called the store on the way home and asked for the complaint line. The lady who answered the phone said they didn’t have a complaint line, but they could put me through to a manager. I was put on hold. Trisha, who identifies as a manager, came on the line and asked me what was wrong. I relayed my story to her, and she kept says, “Mmm-hmm” like a parent listening to a child whom they know is lying. Every time I paused for breath, Trisha would make that noise, “Mmm-hmm,” so I finally told her I would go home and find the complaint line or fill out an online complaint form.
Then Trisha told me the truth of the matter. “It doesn’t matter where you complain. It all comes back to us.”
Right. So fuck me and the horse I rode in on. Gotcha.
This system is broken. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. Because my mother will continue to shop Walmart and so will millions of others. But I don’t lose easily. So every time this happens, I will blog about it. I will complain. I will tell everyone I know that Target is worth the few extra pennies on the dollar because their employees are actually happy people. I will direct people to Winn Dixie or Food Outlet for their shopping because, honestly, Walmart is not the cheapest place in town. And I will try and talk my mother into ordering her dog treats online. That’s all I can do.
Because you can’t fix what management doesn’t think is broken.
Thanks for reading,
E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1271634/ruminating-on-walmart-part-2
October 15, 2015
A Secondhand Bookstore That Offers Royalties
Thinking about putting an ad in the paper and on Craigslist asking people to donate used books, and then selling those used books to finance my own online bookstore.
Here’s what would set my bookstore apart from the rest:
If I sell a writer’s books secondhand, I would then send a royalty check to said author for a cut of my profits. Only seems fair, really.
So far, I cannot think of a downside to this venture, but I’m only one person. If you can think of good reasons not to do this, please comment below.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1271053/a-secondhand-bookstore-that-offers-royalties
October 9, 2015
Hell House Review
I’ve tried to read Hell House numerous times. The writing seemed a little too… simplistic, I guess would be the word, for my tastes. It’s also, at times, annoyingly repetitive, and had my buddy Thomas Strömquist (sorry I still haven’t figured out how to link to other people on this site) hadn’t accepted my buddy read proposal, I probably wouldn’t have ever finished it. I couldn’t understand, for the life of me, why everyone suggested I read it. “It’s a horror classic!” and “It’s soooooooo scary” don’t usually push me into reading a book because what I find scary normally isn’t what other people find scary. But this book hit me at just the right time, while I was in the mood for a creepy read. And that’s pretty much why I liked it as much as I did. Horror is so subjective. It depends on a reader’s mood, as well. If you don’t want to be scared, you’re likely going to shrug this one off and DNF before you get to the truly unsettling parts. Because this isn’t your average possession story or haunted house book. This motherfucker has teeth.
I cannot imagine how much controversy this book created when it was first released. You have scenes of lesbian lust, group orgies, one ghost running around wielding his overgrown penis, and a sexual assault scene unlike anything else I’ve ever read. It fucked me up so badly that I had to stop reading for a minute. And I am notoriously hard to disturb. But that’s what horror is. It’s meant to leave you shaken. To that end, Hell House delivers.
Where this book succeeds is the unending sense of dread, the near-constant escalation of violent acts, and the invisible character development. I honestly have no idea how Matheson made each of these characters feel like separate individuals. Other than Barrett’s polio, none of them really stand out, but I saw each of them clearly from very early on, and never once was confused as to whose head I was in. That’s damn impressive, especially given such simple writing.
In summation: If you’re looking for a scary read and can forgive the repetition of words like “started”, which was used at least twice per page, or so it seemed, you should dig this one. It takes a while to get going, but once it does, it doesn’t let up.
Final Judgment: Filled with dread.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1267184/hell-house-review
October 6, 2015
End of Watch Cover Reveal
Stephenking.com did a cover reveal about two months ago, and I somehow missed it. Anyway, for those of you who haven’t seen it, here it is:
Possible spoilers after the break and in the comments:
Like any good fan, I have my theories. The glowy fish is Brady, and he’s leading a “school” of followers whom he’s mind controlling. I expect a bloody mess and moral conflict, and I hope like hell Hodges dies. Either way, this cover is gorgeous, and I can’t wait to add this to my collection.
What do you think?
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1265751/end-of-watch-cover-reveal
October 5, 2015
Revolver Review
Review: 
Wow. Just… Wow. This is easily making my Best of 2015 list.
Revolver, by Michael Patrick Hicks, is reminiscent of Alan Moore’s V for Vendetta, Stephen King/Richard Bachman’s The Running Man, and George Orwell’s 1984. Yes, you read that correctly. I consider Revolver on par with all three of those classics. This novella packs one helluva punch. I’m floored, folks.
The piece is multi-layered and utterly thought provoking, but the writing is really the prize-winning pony here. Hicks writes with the confidence and prose of a seasoned professional. I don’t know how long he’s been writing, but I’m damn impressed. There are writers who’ve been putting words to paper for decades who don’t write this well.
Michael, brother, I’m sorry it took me so long to try your work. Consider me a fan. Holy shit, dude, I’m kinda jealous.
And yes, I know Michael. We run in the same circles. He did not ask me to read or review this. I liked the cover, so I bought the book. No offense to Michael, but I honestly didn’t expect to like this story as much as I did. What can I say, I’ve been burned far too often with indies and small press books to expect anything more than mediocrity. If you think my knowing the author has swayed my opinion of this story, you can get bent. It really is terrific. If it sucked, I’d tell you. If you don’t read it, you’d be doing yourself a disservice.
In summation: This was righteous. I dug it immensely. Five stars, and highly recommended. I will be buying more books from this dude.
Final Judgment: Revolver aims at the world we live in and blows its head off.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1265555/revolver-review
The Traveling Vampire Show Review
Review:
Normally I would delete my old review and write another one, but my previous review is so epically bad that I want to show myself how far I’ve come not only as a writer but as a critic as well. (Wow… that sounded pompous as fuck. I mean, I know I’m awesome, but that shit’s uncalled for.) Anyfuck, if you want a good laugh, read on after the final judgment for my original review… *cringes*
The Traveling Vampire Show has long been on my Top 20 Reads of All Time. Going into this reread, I was scared that would change. I’ve grown quite a bit, must’ve put on at least forty pounds since my last first read of this one. All jokes aside, the last time I visited Laymon’s Vampire Show, I was not a father. Shit, I hadn’t even met the woman who would become my wife. I had a pretty significant drug addiction, but, oddly enough, I remember almost everything that happens within these pages. I didn’t expect that to be the case.
This book reminds me so much of my childhood: from vicious neighborhood dogs, to a foul-mouthed, constantly-horny best friend, and a gal pal that would become a first girlfriend. The book captures perfectly how fucking annoying it is to be sixteen and in possession of a penis. Things pop up at the most inopportune times and inject themselves into the situation. Ladies, imagine your vagina prolapsing anytime it feels like it. You’re just walking down the street, wearing a skirt, it’s laundry day and you don’t have your favorite neon-yellow Simpson’s thong on, when all of a sudden, you’re dragging your baby-maker behind you. That would be awkward right?
(I’m laughing so hard right now. My apologies.)
Okay, so getting a boner in public isn’t anything like that, but it is annoying. Some of us guys realize early that a woman’s body is her own and not our entitled-ass’ free-rein playground. We can be invited to play, but it’s not our property. I think this book touches on that subject. I appreciate that Laymon, who was known for writing consistently about rape, wrote something that touched upon male sexuality in a positive light. Yes, some of us are rapey as fuck. Some of us are douche-tastic semen balloons just waiting to explode on the next pair of tits that walks by. Most certainly, if a man rapes a woman, it is ALWAYS the man’s fault. Yet some of us respect women. Some of us understand that you’re a person first and a gender second. And, although we love looking when you dress up, we understand that that doesn’t mean were are entitled to see what’s underneath. All that is what sets this book apart from most of Laymon’s work. Sure, Rusty is a deviant little shit. But Dwight is constantly worried about what his dick is doing at any given moment, and his respect for Lee and Slim is real, even if he does like to look and fantasize. Dwight is a teenage boy. A damn well-written teenage boy. Rusty is not the norm, but there are plenty of Rustys in the world. That’s liable to offend some. But at least it’s honest.
All that is what I feel The Traveling Vampire Show is truly about – the uncontrollable aspect of our sexuality and the beast within. That perception is not always reality, is something else Laymon tackles. The title suggests this is a book about vampires, but it doesn’t have anything to do with vampires. It has to do with being a teenage boy. Know that going in, and you should be fine.
Finally, the ending is one of my favorite endings of all time. I would say it’s easily in my top five, but would hazard a guess that it’s actually in my top three. It comes out of nowhere, like a brick to the face. Damn powerful.
In summation: The Traveling Vampire Show is still one of my favorite novels. Having grown up, I appreciate it even more. I remember being a teenage boy, and it’s nothing to be romanticized. We’re all idiots until about thirty, but even then, some of us never grow out of the boner-in-public stage.
Final Judgment: That ending tho.
Previous Review
This is, by far, Laymon’s best work. I have read EVERYTHING the man ever wrote before he died in 2001. Next to Stephen King, no one has played a bigger role in molding me into the writer I have become. Laymon is not for everyone. He’s a minimalist, never verbose, and can drum up a shock a minute while still developing characters. He has a penchant for borderline porn. If you’re a prude, do not pick Laymon up. If blood and gore aren’t your thing, STAY AWAY!
What I love about The Traveling Vampire Show, has nothing to do with vampires. Because, in fact, the book doesn’t have any vampires in it until the last couple pages. Not being a fan of vampires, but a fanatic of Laymons, I decided to read this anyway.
This book is about the kids Laymon draws so well. Period. Their youthful adventures rival that of any youngsters King has EVER written about. I will forever be a fan of Richard Laymon because of this book. Even when he’s bad, he’s still rather good.
***** 5 Stars
E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1265380/the-traveling-vampire-show-review
October 4, 2015
SURPRISE! BAD APPLES 2 IS NOW AVAILABLE!
No more teasers. No more waiting. No more “Coming Soon”. It’s live. Right now! $2.99 for a limited time!
Bad Apples 2: Six Slices of Halloween Horror
The minds behind the bestselling BAD APPLES: FIVE SLICES OF HALLOWEEN HORROR return this October with another batch of frightful fare. This time, they brought along a friend – Bram Stoker Award-winning author Kealan Patrick Burke!
Dive into the season with these six Halloween treats:
• Two boys enter a Halloween attraction that holds a devilish secret – but one of the boys has a surprise of his own in Edward Lorn’s HALLOWEEKEND.
• Halloween was his birthday, and all poor Bob Talley wanted was for his family to be together again. This year, his wish might come true amid whispers of CANDIE APPLE, from Evans Light.
• A deserter seeks to escape the horrors of war and pave a new existence in a foreign land in Jason Parent’s DIA DE LOS MUERTOS.
• Does something putrid truly reside in a small town’s pumpkin patch, or is it only a local legend? Find out in Adam Light’s TOMMY ROTTEN.
• An old man and his dog await Halloween visitors with candy and a shotgun in Kealan Patrick Burke’s THE ONE NIGHT OF THE YEAR.
• Jimmy Stones and his Uncle Shel uncover the dark secrets of Medium, Ohio’s annual Halloween puppet show in Gregor Xane’s DOCTOR PROCLIVITY & PROFESSOR PROPENSITY.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1264635/surprise-bad-apples-2-is-now-available
October 3, 2015
October 2, 2015
Book Haul (10/2/2015) with special guest star Tiny Vader
Today I stopped by Trade ‘N Books in Montgomery and snagged several books I’ve been hunting for quite some time. The first edition Boy’s Life is definitely the find of the day. It only cost me three bucks. I’m looking forward to reading Kafka’s The Metamorphosis the most though. That concept has always interested me, especially after I read Joe Hill’s version.
For pics of individual covers, click HERE.
Tiny Vader and I wish you all a pleasant weekend.
*hugs and high fives*
E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1263972/book-haul-10-2-2015-with-special-guest-star-tiny-vader
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