Edward Lorn's Blog, page 44

Nemesis Review

Review:

Upon completing this book, I rated it three stars. After a month’s time and much thought, I cannot say that I really liked it all that much. I’ve decided to drop my rating to two stars, and here’s why:

I was nowhere near as impressed with Nemesis as I was Harry Hole’s previous outing, The Redbreast. This one was nothing more than your average detective/bank heist story. The emotional impact of the tale did not match the previous installment either. But I think I mostly didn’t care for this story because I called all the twists toward the beginning of the book: both the true bank robber’s identity and motives, and what really happened to Harry’s love interest. The way the story was handled and the order of character introductions spoiled the read for me because everything seemed so goddamn obvious. The chassis this book is built on is cookie-cutter at best.

Still, the book was well-translated, and the prose flowed like Fro-Yo. Nesbø stays true to the character of Harry, and the leaps of logic in getting to the true criminals were not so bad that my suspension of belief suffered a collapse.

I am looking forward to the conclusion of this loose trilogy involving Harry and Waaler, and hoping a certain someone gets what’s coming to him. Because, if I’m honest, it’s the only reason I’m going to read the next book.

In summation: If you do not mind the cookie-cutter plot and the poorly executed character intros, you should enjoy yourself. You’ll likely not remember this book in a month’s time, but it will be fun while it lasts.

Final Judgment: I have all the disappointment.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1302641/nemesis-review

The Great Gatsby Review

Review:

Even at under two hundred pages, The Great Gatsby was a chore to read. Obviously, I’m not one for these types of books. I’ve never been able to finish The Catcher in the Rye, and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is probably one of the worst books I’ve read based in part on Harry’s whiny-ass attitude for the entirety of the novel.

I did appreciate that most of the people in this book die. Probably the only reason I gave it two stars instead of a single. Funnily enough, certain scenes reminded me of the movieBoogie Nights, and I gotta wonder if Paul Anderson was inspired by this lackluster, pretentious little book.

And finally, for those of you who would traipse your asses into my review space to tell me how wrong I am about this “classic”, I have this to say: This is my wife’s favorite novel. She knows about my feelings concerning this book. My love for her does not change the fact that I could piss on this book and walk away with an empty bladder and clear conscience. I suggest not coming into my review space to tell me why I’m wrong. If I don’t care about hating the love of my life’s favorite novel, you can image how much of a fuck I give for your opinion.

In summation: I will chalk this one up as a loss. I’m sure it’s me and my preferences that did not allow me to enjoy this over-written novella. One of those great pieces of literature that I do not understand because I has the dumb.

Final Judgment: Skip the book and watch this instead: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VEQRPm_HyA

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1301365/the-great-gatsby-review

Yoda… The Missing Link?

Over the past three nights, we’ve been watching the Star Wars films with the kids. During Attack of the Clones, Chris (my three-year-old son) asked if Yoda was a Gremlin. I found that I could not answer right away. After thinking long and hard about it, I have come to this conclusion. Master Yoda is the missing link between Mogwai and Gremlins.

 

I’ve created this mashup to substantiate my theory.

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1301341/yoda-the-missing-link

All she wants for Christmas is Christmas cards.

I found this story on Facebook. I’d like to see this little girl swimming in cards before the new year. Click the image to read the story.

 

I am in no way associated with this little girl. I only wish to help spread the word. 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1301036/all-she-wants-for-christmas-is-christmas-cards

The Revenant Review (I Hate Leonardo Dicaprio Edition)

Review:

I have a purely subjective hatred for Leonardo Decrapio. Can’t stand him. Favorite movie with him in it is The Departed because of the elevator scene. Titanic was also pretty good because douchecanoes don’t float. Rose knew she had enough room on that door but why share space with the likes of Depoopio. I hate Leonardo like some people hate going to the dentist. Like people in Hell hate heaters. Like Star Wars fans hate Jar Jar Binks.

So when I saw the trailer for the film adaptation of this novel, I became super excited. Deshitio gets mauled by a fucking bear??? Oh hell the fuck yeah! Sign my fat ass up! Of course the book nerd in me, the geeky purest, wouldn’t allow me to watch such a movie without reading the source material first. And I gotta say, I did not hate it. Didn’t love it either. But again, my dislikes are subjective.

By reading this book, you will learn how to make a fire, how to fight wolves, how to betray people and leave them to die, how to punch people until they’re ugly ala Fight Club, how to feel guilty, how to explode a cannon, how to get facial scars, how to be cool with the cards life deals you, how not to play poker, and last but not least, how to fall asleep while reading.

The action in this book is superb. It’s everything else I had a problem with. As long as people were getting killed, torn into kibble, or taking on the local flora and fauna, I was cool. It’s when Punke digs into his research that I drifted off. You can tell dude studied his ass off. Had this been a quiz on the 1800s, man, he would’ve gotten a B+. Sadly, this is a novel, not the SATs. It was the oddest feeling being on the edge of my seat one moment and snoring the next. It’s like chasing cocaine with heroin. Your body doesn’t know how to react.

Knowing what I know of the plot now, I believe the movie has been perfectly cast. Tom Hardy is going to nail Fitzpatrick… or Fitzgerald… or whatever dude’s name is. I’m sure it will be a fantastic film and the first Dejizzio movie I actually enjoy from beginning to end. At least when I watch the movie I won’t have to read whole chapters about some fucker trying to locate the old-west equivalent of a Big Mac.

In summation: If you’re a research whore, this should pay your bills. If you like your fiction fictionalized, you might become bored at times. The action is exquisite, though. Gore for days.

Final Judgment: Needs more cowbell.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1300043/the-revenant-review-i-hate-leonardo-dicaprio-edition

Show Amazon Your Holes! #ShowHole

 

Today I saw a fantastic commercial for Amazon’s new marketing venture, #ShowHole. In celebration of this fantastic promotional strategy, which could not be misconstrued in any way, I’ve decided to show Amazon all the various holes I could find. 

 

Join me on my journey!

 

Here’s an underwater hole…

 

 

Here’s a black hole…

 

 

Here’s a woman in a hole…

 

 

And a man in a hole…

 

 

The band Hole…

 

 

And finally, Jo Nesbø, author of the Harry Hole series…

 

 

So, will you be showing Amazon your holes? Remember, try not to be naughty and tag all your holes with #ShowHole.

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

This message has been brought to you by the letter E.

 

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1299352/show-amazon-your-holes-showhole

Coming December 20, 2015!

For the five days leading up to Christmas, my brand new short story “Deck the Halls” and last year’s “The Naughty List” will be available for free download through Amazon.com. After December 25, 2015, both stories will be taken down until next year. Christmas 2016 will see the third and final story, tentatively titled “Beyond the Gates of Toyland”. 

 

Thank you all for your continued support, and once it releases, I hope you enjoy this holiday-themed distraction. 

 

Synopsis reveal and cover for “Deck the Halls”:

 

 

 Santa Claus and his team of reindeer head home to the North Pole after an impromptu battle with his lifelong enemies, the Naughty, only to be welcomed by chaos and tragedy. 

 

Seeking revenge and salvation for a loved one, Santa must journey to a distant land to partner with the most unlikely ally imaginable. 

 

This time, Santa’s taking the fight to the Naughty, and he will deck the Halls with their blood.

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1298974/coming-december-20-2015

The Ecstatic Review

Review:

If you’re only interested in my review of this book, skip to the next paragraph. To those of you who hung around, consider this me waving at you. *waves* Yes, I’ve been away. I’m still not back in full force, but I’m eleven reviews in the hole (all the books I read while away from the interwebs) and I figured I’d knock out some before I disappear again during the week before and after Christmas. No worries, I’m not going to spam your feed with reviews today. I’ll be spacing these out so that I have a new review to post every week. Now on to the review…

Tony James, the main character of The Ecstatic, reminds me a lot of myself. He’s a fat dude who enjoys cheesy horror cinema. He’s not a hundred percent stable in the cranium. Neither is his grandmother, mother and little sister. In this regard, I loved LaValle’s novel. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this story before, only the cast was white.

I don’t know which came first, the chicken (The Ecstatic) or the egg (Little Miss Sunshine) and I can’t be bothered to check. But I saw that movie (which has nothing to do with this book) before I read this novel. Let me be clear. Little Miss Sunshine has nothing to do with LaValle’s book, but the plots are eerily similar. A three-generation family (grandparent, parent, child/children) go on a road trip so that the youngest can partake in a beauty pageant. Along the way, they lose a member of the family (in the movie someone dies, in this book someone skips out on the family). The twist of both stories is that the girls are ugly. The stories are different in subplots, but the main theme is the same. Instability breeds instability.

I liked this book. It was fun and engaging, but my enjoyment was lessened by having seen the storyline before. I do not believe either piece of media stole from the other. This is one of those rare occurrences where two separate pieces of media share an odd premise. That being said, I would recommend this to anyone who has not seen Little Miss Sunshine.

In summation: A good piece of writing that held my attention. Short enough to finish in a sitting.

Final Judgment: One of these things is just like the other.

 

(P.S. I missed you guys.)

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1298022/the-ecstatic-review

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1291485/post

Happy Thanksgiving (I’m Grateful for You)

I may or may not be here for Thanksgiving, but I wanted to make sure I got to say thanks to everyone who matters, so I’ve scheduled this post for today. If I do not respond to comments, please do not think I’m ignoring you. It only means I’m not around to comment. 

 

Career wise, 2015 was the best year I’ve seen. Sales of my work have gone from sporadic to steady, and I only have you guys to thank. I rely entirely on word of mouth for my independent releases. I do not buy ad space, nor do I spam readers. You’ve proven to me (and anyone else who’s watching) something that I’ve known all along. You do not need to invade someone’s space or spend thousands on promotional materials to succeed in this business. 

 

To everyone who has taken on the task of making my work the best it can be (Matthew Pontiff, David Antrobus, Gregor Xane, and everyone at or associated with Red Adept Publishing), you have my undying appreciation. To all my beta readers, thank you for being my first line of defense. 

 

To everyone I worked with this year on past, present, or future projects (Craig Saunders, Evans Light, Jason Parent, Kealan Patrick Burke, Adam Light, and again, Gregor Xane), I hope our collaborations continue. 

 

To everyone who has enjoyed my work, no one’s happier than me that it worked out for you. To everyone who hated my work, thank you for making me want to do better next time. To everyone who has ever spent their hard earned money on my offered distractions, a profound Thank You.

 

From my house to yours,

 

Happy Holidays.

 

E. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1294650/happy-thanksgiving-i-m-grateful-for-you