Edward Lorn's Blog, page 53
August 26, 2015
August 25, 2015
OTHERS & ODDITIES Now Available
OTHERS & ODDITIES is finally available in the Kindle store. The collection will be $0.99 until Friday, then it reverts to its normal price of $3.99. Feel free to share wherever you want. Here are the links.
Thanks for all your support!
*hugs and high fives*
E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1237807/others-oddities-now-available
Under the Dome Review
Review: 
Before we begin, I thought I would point out something silly. Lee Child wrote the blurb that graces the trade paperback edition of Under the Dome, one that states: “Seven words: The best yet from the best ever.” Not only is Lee Child full of shit (no true King fan will call this novel his best work, not even close) but Child’s literary creation Jack Reacher is mentioned half a dozen times within King’s novel. That’s a lot for a character that doesn’t even belong to King. But that’s the business. You whack me off, I whack you off, and we all profit from the clean up. Is it any wonder why author blurbs equate to a puddle of warmed over spunk to most readers? And those who still believe these front cover grabbers are usually upset by the end of the book. Don’t believe me? Go read the reviews of Scott Smith’s The Ruins or Nick Cutter’s The Troop and count how many times you read something to the effect of “I only read this because of Uncle Stevie’s blurb on the front of the book. Is King doing drugs again, because this sucks!” Which begs the question: Do blurbs actually sell books? Better yet, would an honest blurb sell a book? How about this: “Under the Dome is a rollercoaster ride, but when it stops, the ride operator farts in your mouth.” Yeah… that probably wouldn’t sell many books. But goddamn if it isn’t the truest blurb I can think of for this book.
I first read Under the Dome when it came out in 2009. I wore out both my wrists trying to read the hardcover. I liked it all the way up until the ending. Not because it’s a cop out or too clean or any of the other complaints I heard, but because I knew it was coming. It happens in just about every King novel.
[spoiler]
Hero has psychic link with villain/monster and is able to save the day.
[/spoiler]
But it works for King, and besides, I have a theory for why that happens. Is my theory a sorry attempt at me trying to explain my biggest literary hero’s oft-used crutch? Probably. But it makes sense, so fugoff! (I’ll explain my theory in the spoiler section toward the end of this review.)
While I have pretty much summed up Under the Dome in the blurb located at the end of the first paragraph of this review, I do feel the need to express how awesome the first 1020 pages of this book are. If you are a King fan, you’ll likely have fun. There’s very little filler. Anyone who would like to argue that this novel is bloated, I will throw down with you in the comment section, because everything in this book serves a purpose. Every chapter progresses the story. The problem/blessing is that there is so much story. But if one chapter had been cut, this pile of Lincoln Logs would most definitely tumble. It does not feel as large as King’s other 1000-page efforts, though. The Stand and IT are both massive in their own right, but they seem bigger in scope as well. Grander. This one is more The Tommyknockers kinda big. More Needful Things. It’s also better than the former and nowhere near as good as the latter. Everything happens over a short period of time, but the events do escalate. The inhabitants of Chester’s Mill are fucked by the end, albeit not quite as fucked as I would have hoped they would be.
If King is to be believed, and I think he is, he first started writing this book in the 70s. Some people believe that King says this to keep Under the Dome from being compared to The Simpson’s Movie. The only reason I believe King is because I started a novel back in the late nineties called Dark Side of the Mountain, wherein people get trapped inside a huge black sphere somewhere in the San Bernardino Mountains in California. People trapped by unseen/unknown forces… Yeah, the idea is not all that original. Anyfuck, King’s original title for Under the Dome was The Cannibals. I like the idea of that title. I like where King wanted to take us. People stuck under a freaky-ass dome. Food supplies start to deteriorate. People find other food sources… Rad. What we get instead is a pedal-to-the-medal horror/sci fi/thriller stuffed inside the confines of King’s typical small Maine town.
My biggest complaint is that all this feels like I’ve been here before. The Chef feels like Trashcan Man. Barbie feels like Jim Gardner. You have your witty old woman. Your racist/religious/power hungry villain. Your sick-and-dying baddie. Precocious children. And so on. This is a Stephen King novel. You either like that shit or you don’t. He’s done it better. He’s done it much, much, muchmuchmuch worse. All in all, this is just an average effort from an above average novelist who only writes a decent ending every five years or so. But if you’re a Stephen King fan, you know, “It’s about the journey, not the destinations.” At least that’s what King tells us.
Audiobook notes: Raúl Esparza is fantastic. This is one of the best King audiobooks for sale right now. It made my reread so much easier.
Television series notes: Fuck the television series. That series is garbage. Not garbage in the sense that it doesn’t follow the book (however, that is true), but garbage because it’s garbage. It’s poorly acted and shittily written.
Before clicking on this next spoiler tag, you must know that I will be spoiling far more than just this book. These are theories on how all of King’s novels tie together. Expect spoilers from his entire catalog. You’ve been warned.
[spoiler]
Consipracy Theory:
I believe the Grays (The Tommyknockers), Pennywise (IT), the butt weaselsDreamcatcher, and the leatherfaces (Under the Dome) are all the same alien race and that they all originated in the Prim (consult the Stephen King wiki for what that is:http://darktower.wikia.com/wiki/Prim.) These are the creatures that gave humankind the knowledge that allowed us to become as technologically advanced as we’ve become. In the Dark Tower novels they are called the Old Ones.
Why does everyone in King’s novels have psychic powers? Because of the ship in The Tommyknockers. In that novel, there’s an alien spacecraft buried in the woods outside of Haven, Maine. That ship gives people psychic abilities and knowledge of advanced technology. Because there’s no way of telling when the craft landed there’s not way of telling how many people it “polluted” before Bobbi Anderson dug it up. This explains Carrie and every other pop-up psychic in the King-verse. Those psychics living outside the pollution area of Maine are children or relatives of people who’ve lived in Maine at some time or the other. Example: Danny Torrance and Doc Hallorann.
[/spoiler]
For more information on my theories and tie-ins, you can follow my quest here:https://edwardlorn.wordpress.com/52-i…
In summation: Despite the three-star rating, I say skip this one. If you want a great King epic, try The Stand. If you want a great story about a small town tearing itself apart, tryNeedful Things. There are just so many better King novels out there. If you wanna know where to start, I’ll be in the comment section answering questions.
Final Judgment: Dead fuck.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1237765/under-the-dome-review
August 23, 2015
Real YouTube Comments (or Why I Weep for Humanity) #1
“fucking faggot Why kind of meth do you smoke? it’s obviously some good shit cuz you’re a penguin”
No alterations were made to this YouTube comment.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1236549/real-youtube-comments-or-why-i-weep-for-humanity-1
August 22, 2015
OTHERS & ODDITIES will be delayed a week
My new short story collection was set to drop on August 25, but I’m still not comfortable with the final product. Proofreading continues to find small errors and formatting issues. Because of that, I’ve decided to postpone the collection’s release until the first Tuesday in September, which happens to be the first day of the month.
Furthermore, I would like to take a moment and reveal the price of the collection, as well as some info on the physical copies.
Others & Oddities will be $0.99 until the first Friday after its release. Meaning, if it drops on September 1, the sale will end on September 4. After that, the collection will revert to its regular price of $3.99.
Signed copies of the hardcover go on sale in November. The trade paperback edition will likely come out the same week as the hardcover. Audiobook is to be announced. Still trying to find the right narrator for all the stories.
Thanks for your attention and continued support.
*hugs and high fives*
E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1236327/others-oddities-will-be-delayed-a-week
eRadio 8222015
“I’ve got another confession to makeI’m ...
eRadio 8222015
“I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool.” ~ Foo Fighters
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1235670/post
Doctor Who Season 8 Review
Review:
I know I’m late to the party, but after the crappy season opener and that fandom-killing Robin Hood episode, I had to take a break. I wasn’t sure if it was Capaldi or the writing or a mixture of both. Now I’m pretty certain it’s equal parts of all of the above. And I don’t wanna hear how no one liked Smith or Tennant when they first took the reins. I loved Tennant from scene one and Smith after his second episode. After 12 episodes, Capaldi has yet to grow on me.
I waded through eleven episodes of terrible storylines to get to the finale, and it was only okay in places. Moffat actually managed to fuck up a terrifically emotional scene by trying to inject some humor out of nowhere. And yes, I’m talking about the Mistress’s Mary Poppins routine at the end of episode 12. Her floating into the graveyard on her goddamn umbrella ruined the entire season finale for me.
Peter Capaldi proved in episode 12 that he can deliver when the writing isn’t on par with explosive diarrhea, but I still don’t feel him as the Doctor. He has very little personality when he’s not cussing. He’s not darker, like Moffat said he wanted, Capaldi’s just not a good Doctor. When he tries to convey the Doctor’s childish side, he’s laughable, but I feel like I’m laughing at his performance and not his jokes/prattfalls. When he tries to be commanding, he’s even more laughable because he just doesn’t have any presence. In fact the only time I like Capaldi as the Doctor is when he’s sad. Capaldi seems in his element when he’s trying to make people cry. And I will admit, I teared up in episode 12. That is until Moffat shit the bed and Poppins floated into frame. I know I already mentioned that, by holy shit did that ruin things for me. It’s like coming home to find your best friend fucking your wife and your dog.
Clara is still rubbish. Never have liked her. I was hoping she’d die in a fire or be pummeled to death by sentient dildos, or something halfway interesting, but no. She’s still around. Whatever happened to her leaving the show? Why is that not a thing anymore? Oh, and just to be clear, I have nothing against the actress who plays Clara and wish her a long life. I simply want her character to be murdered in the most horrific fashion possible. Please and thank you with sugar and diamonds on top. Seriously, if it’s a monetary thing, I’ll pay whatever it takes. Just… please, kill her. Smootches.
So here we are. I’m stuck with a mediocre Doctor and a shit companion, who the writers keep trying to make interesting by giving her crying jags. No amount of tears will make me care for Clara the Nonentity. So far the only good thing about this past season was Danny Pink, and they fucking killed him.
In summation: Oh how I disliked this season. Lemme counteth the ways. I normally buy each episode from Amazon as soon as they’re available. I quit doing that with this season after the pile that was Robin Hood, which was… what? Episode 2, I think. I waited until Netflix had season 8 available for streaming before I decided I wanted to try it again. I usually watch an entire season in 1-3 days. Took me two weeks this time because I could only stomach an episode a night.
Final Judgment: I firmly believe that Matt Smith saw this season’s script and quit Doctor Who to work on Terminator: Genisys, which was only slightly better written than the films you find on Cinemax After Dark.
(Side note: I want a female Doctor.)
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1236039/doctor-who-season-8-review
August 21, 2015
Genesis of a Scene
I’m looking to start a series of interviews consisting of one question per guest. I want to contact horror authors and ask them to try and explain how their most disturbing scenes came to be.
This is how you can help. I want to know who you guys would like me to contact. I can reach just about anybody. Whether or not they accept is a different story. I have four authors in mind, but I want a year’s worth of content before I start. One post a month, so I need twelve authors. But the more the merrier. Just because I find eight more does not mean I want you to stop suggesting.
In the comment section below, drop your choice of author and the scene you would like know more about.
If you are an author who would like to be featured, feel free to email me at edwardlorn@gmail.com.
*hugs and high fives*
E.
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1235658/genesis-of-a-scene
Randomized Randomocity #175
Michael Jackson returns in Sinister 2!
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1235623/randomized-randomocity-175
eRadio 8212015
Another one for Chelle.
“Don’t imagine...
eRadio 8212015
Another one for Chelle.
“Don’t imagine you’re too familiar and I don’t see you anymore.” ~ Billy Joel
Original post:
edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1231860/post
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