Edward Lorn's Blog, page 55

On Page 174

A lot of shit happened in this chapter. Barrabas was all, “Stone her!” And Jesus was all, “Naw, dog, she’s my main chick.” And Judas was all like, “Dayum, he told you!” And Barabbas straight slapped the taste out Jesus’s mouth. But Jesus, he turned the other cheek. And everybody there was all, “Ohhhh… Ahhhhhh…” Then Barrabas told Judas they couldn’t roll together no more. #realplayersplayalone

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eRadio 8162015 “I wanna see you shake your motherfuckin...

eRadio 8162015

 

“I wanna see you shake your motherfuckin’ penis, bitch.” ~ Jenna Marbles

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Cruelty on sale for $0.99

Cruelty: The Complete Serial Novel is on sale for the next couple of days. This countdown deal goes up $2 every two days until it reverts to the original price of $6.99. Click on the image to get your copy from Amazon.com. 

 

Sorry but this only available for Amazon.com cutsomers. An Amazon UK deal is scheduled for after this one ends. 

 

Feel free to share wherever you want.

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

 

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eRadio 8152015 “So fucking determined.” ~ Mudvayne ...

eRadio 8152015

 

“So fucking determined.” ~ Mudvayne

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Armada Review

Review:

Could we have a moment of silence for my love of pop culture references? Thank you.

…

E.’s Love of Pop Culture References – 1986-2015. R.I.P. (I was born in 1980, but I didn’t truly flip my shit over something until the Howard the Duck movie came out in ’86. I’m sure there will be several uber nerds who will claim that that’s why I didn’t “get” this novel, because I wasn’t born wearing a Star Trek uniform.)

Ernest Cline is, quite simply, the Stephenie Meyers of science fiction. Horrible writer finds niche and milks it for everything it’s worth because dollah, dollah bills, y’all! His next book will likely be a fantasy epic concerning a young wizard who flies around with a trio of dragons looking for a magical cube that can turn sex toys into shape-shifting robots. Young Wizard finds out his parents didn’t actually die shortly after his birth; they traveled forward in time to join the Nazis. Young Wizard must team up with whimsical and witty man in a bow tie and a talking lion named Jesus in order to alter the course of Shia Labeouf’s career. Am I close yet, Cline? Huh? Am I?

I will not spend the duration of this review explaining the extremity of my nerdom. I will not bore you with my likes and dislikes. I will say that I consider myself a nerd. That is the main reason I requested this book from Crown Publishing in return for an honest review. At this time, I would like to express my deepest condolences. I kinda feel like a serial killer apologizing to the parents of my victim, but you had to have known this was going to happen. I only assume that someone at your company read this book before accepting it for publication. Then again, maybe not. Let’s be honest. You knew it would sell, and it will continue to sell long after this review is posted. Everyone LOVEDReady Player One, and WE the masses love supporting new favorite things. I know I will be tossed in the troll pile. I know I will be looked down upon by the Gods of Nerdom as some internet rage machine hellbent on funneling my derision into someone who’s living the dream by stealing other people’s dreams. Fuck everybody who thinks that. This book is fucking terrible.

Armada hopes to win you over with a metric-fuck-tonne (if I’m using the metric system, I must use the Queen’s English – tonne instead of ton, it is then) of pop culture references. In the first third of the book, Cline describes everything using these references. Everything. This is like that and that is like this. Nothing wrong with that. Not in my mind, anyway. I became worried when I noticed that the book wasn’t just full of pop culture references, it was one big pop culture reference. I started making predictions. Those predictions came true time and time again. In fact, I was never wrong. Why? Because this book is everything else. It was designed to sell strictly on your love of other things. You’re not going to like this book for its plot or characters. You’re going to like this book because it’s comforting. You’ll be able to point at everything and say, “Hey, I know that reference!” This novel is the literary equivalent of a Funko Pop doll. Nerds will be judged on how many times they’ve read it. Geeks will argue over how self aware it is, and how its barely-literate author is a fucking genius for making millions off their cherished memories. Dorks will rise up and create a board game out of its contents, and that board game shall be dubbed HOW MANY TIMES CAN I WRITE “HIS FACE CONTORTED IN AGONY?!?!?!?!?!” I love my fellow nerds and geeks and dorks, but you’re being played like the video games you love. This book is to nerd culture what Episode One was to Star Wars.

Had this book done one thing original, I wouldn’t be half as infuriated as I am right now. I wasted almost a week of my life reading this miserable puddle of nerd semen only to come to the end and find out – “HAHAHAHAHA I’m so self aware and meta” – that the ending is one of the top three things you don’t do at the end of a science fiction novel. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but the list goes as such:

1. It was all a dream/the dream was real.

2. The alien threat wasn’t really the threat humanity should have felt threatened by/humanity is the real threat.

3. The whole thing was a simulation/the simulation was actually the real thing.

Now that I think about it, two of those things are true in this novel, but at separate times. Armada is so self aware that I’m honestly surprised Cline didn’t reference himself in the book. Or if he did, I didn’t notice because my brain started leaking from my ears around the 280-page mark.

In summation: Holy shit, this book was bad. Like, Drake and the 99 Dragons bad. Like, it can’t get past the first level of Super Mario Brothers bad. Like, so bad that Cersei wouldn’t fuck it… even if it was her blood relative.

Final Judgement: If Patrick Rothfuss ate John Scalzi this book would be the eventual excrement.

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eRadio 08142015 “But you will fake your way through the...

eRadio 08142015

 

“But you will fake your way through the wreckage of one more useless day.” ~ Saint Asonia

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eRadio 8132015 “The reaper guards the darkened gates.” ...

eRadio 8132015

 

“The reaper guards the darkened gates.” ~ Slayer

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eRadio 8122015 I don’t have any lyrics to quote, but I ...

eRadio 8122015

 

I don’t have any lyrics to quote, but I dig the sound of this one. 

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Ruminating On: The Stages of Editing

Nowadays it’s not uncommon for authors to reach out to their readers and ask their followers to help make their work the best it can be. Because of this, I thought I would draw up a little post listing the various stages of editing. If your author knows what they’re doing, this is what they will expect from you, should you answer their call to:

 

Beta Read/Content Edit: You are the author’s first line of defense. The document is likely a hot mess because only the author has worked on the book. If their are any plot holes afoot or anything wonky with the storyline in general, this is where you can help find it. You can bring up typos and grammatical errors and such but it will likely be a waste of your time. You’re working on an early draft and what you try to edit might never see the light of day. 

 

Line Editing: You’re working on the final draft, and you really shouldn’t be doing this part unless you’re an English major. A line edit is an in-depth process. Your job is not only to catch errors but to fix syntax as well. It is your responsibility to make sure that the author is saying what they mean. Clarity is the point. Because of this, line editing can create just as many problems as it fixes. You’re rearranging words, swapping them out for better ones, juggling prepositions and slaying vague antecedents. Spaying dangling participles. Furthermore, if you choose to read a book that still needs to be proofread, you should know that there will likely still be numerous errors. This is not because the author has a crap line editor. It’s likely because they have a good one. Which brings us to…

 

Proofreading: You are the author’s final line of defense. While I advise you have only one line editor, you should have several beta readers and proofreaders. Imagine proofreading as the finish on a piece of furniture. The design was drawn, the pieces were cut and molded and sanded and assembled, and now they need a sealant. If there are problems with the plot, if there’s something you don’t like or feel shouldn’t be there, oh well. Seriously. At this point, if your author knows what they’re doing, they’ve already had a content edit and paid for a professional to line edit the piece. Any major changes will cause more errors. If your author is mad because you didn’t point out their major plot hole, once again, oh well. Tell them to find a better content editor. Proofreaders catch typos and other errors left in or created by line editing. It’s as simple as that. If you’re reading a galley, you might want to mention problems with formatting as well. 

 

Reading an ARC (Advanced Review Copy): This can get tricky. Some authors, myself included, send out ARCs before proofreading is complete. Usually while proofreading is going on. Your job isn’t really a job. Your author is seeking a review. Nothing else is expected or required. 

 

I hope this helps to clarify the roles of each job. If I failed to mention something important or you have any questions, I’ll be in the comment section

 

*hugs and high fives*

 

E.

 

 

 

 

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eRadio 8112015 “Good friends we’ve had, or good friends...

eRadio 8112015

 

“Good friends we’ve had, or good friends we’ve lost.” ~ Marley

 

 

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