Edward Lorn's Blog, page 59

Windows 10 Tomorrow

 

Tomorrow will be the first time ever that I update my current computer. In the past, the only updates I’ve used have been the ones already installed on new hardware. I’m a little worried/OCD/paranoid, so I’ve spent the past two weeks double and triple bagging my files. I have over 800 stories and 25 trunk novels I don’t want to lose, as well as 110 different cover images and projects. All my family photos are backed up in four different devices and I have filled the free space available on my free Google Docs and Dropbox accounts. I believe I am prepared. Bring on Y2K!

 

I’m not sure how this computer will handle a new OS. If I should go dark for a few days, you know why. 

 

Anybody else updating? Anybody else worried?

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1212703/windows-10-tomorrow

We Are Still Here Movie Review

Review:

 

Who’s tired of watching good movies tarnished by subpar acting? For the love of Tom Cruise, I am. Like the aforementioned Cruisen deity, the actors in the movie are one-note individuals who, at times, cannot even hold that single note. This really pisses me off because the movie isn’t bad. The acting is just terrible. Nowhere is that more obvious than with our lead female Annie. The movie opens with her damp-eyed and depressed in the passenger seat of a car as it rumbles along to its final destination – The house from Hell. She’s lost her son, and she’s sad. Cool beans, as the poet once said. But it soon becomes painfully clear that this opening scene is the best acting we’re going to see in the entire film. The possession scene almost surpassed the opening bit of acting but became far too over the top for my liking. That actor tried his best. He really, really did. But there’s only so much you can do with shit writing. Maybe he should take up being a Jack Nicholson impersonator? Maybe Vegas is hiring for such a gig?

 

One final note on the actors: There’s this lady who plays a woman named May. It’s obvious she’s… had some work done. Botox… lip implants… something. It was distracting as fuck. I couldn’t take this perpetually duck-faced actress seriously. Take into account that this movie was set in the 70s and her entire face seems out of place, too modern. I honestly never thought I would say someone’s face looked too modern. This is the level to which I’ve stooped with my reviewing career. “Her face was too modern.” Fuck my life.

 

So why did I give it two stars and not one? Welp, friends and neighbors, the storyline and special FX were not terrible. I dug the twisty plot, and I especially enjoyed the effects on the ghosts. Some of the gore looked amateurish, but the actual makeup and CGI-heatwaves on the returning family rocked my socks. I simply wish these special FX would have been in a better movie. 

 

I will leave off with a note on the writing. The person who wrote the script needs a lesson in forced foreshadowing and exposition. More importantly, a course on why you shouldn’t do either if you want to be taken seriously. Then again, if you deleted both of those things from this script, you’d have about fifteen minutes of dialogue in this film. 

 

In summation: The cinematography was okay. The writing and acting were both garbage. The special FX on the ghosts was cool, but the blood and gore was goofy. The story tried to be something different in a genre plagued with the same old same old, so I give it credit for attempting something outside the norm.

 

Final Judgment: Wasn’t a complete waste of time but you’re not missing anything by skipping it either.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1212441/we-are-still-here-movie-review

This is happening right now.

 

I’ve been looking forward to this one. Hope it doesn’t eat a bucket fulla ass. 

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1211688/this-is-happening-right-now

I’m hoping this is common sense by now, but just in case ...

I’m hoping this is common sense by now, but just in case there are people out there that think it’s cool to leave an animal in a car on even a semi-warm day, watch this.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1211648/post

Summer House with Swimming Pool Review

Review:

ETA: It’s been brought to my attention that Koch is Dutch and not Norwegian. Sorry about that.

I’m conflicted. Mainly because I don’t know to whom I should give half of the credit. Herman Koch is a Norwegian author who seems incapable of telling a poorly-told tale. But I have no idea how good of a writer he is. You see, Koch doesn’t write in English. His novels are translated by a guy named Sam Garrett. I know things get lost or changed in translation. This is fact. There are words in English that simply do not exist in other languages and vice versa. But it should be known that, while I do not know who to congratulate, this book read exquisitely well, as did my first Koch read, The Dinner. And guess what? Sam translated that one too. Who gets the credit for this butter-smooth prose? Unless I learn Norwegian, I’ll never know.

What I do know is, Summer House with Swimming Pool is an amazingly well-told story about people who’re terrible at being human. Several tough subjects are broached: infidelity, euthanasia, age of consent, and capital punishment for child molesters (which I agree with, no bones about it; I believe a person who forces themselves on a child shouldn’t share the air I breathe, even moreso than a murderer because a pedophile’s victims continue to suffer long after the act, whereas a murderer’s victim is dead and gone.)

The plot is wonderfully twisty, but the twists and turns are only half the entertainment value to be had. The exemplary character writing floored me, even moreso than with The Dinner. At first, Summer House with Swimming Pool was okay. I found it bit unfocused and confusing, but I needn’t have worried. All was brought to light by the end. And then it jumped from okay to good… from good to great… from great to amazing. In the simplest language, it kept getting better and better. That cannot be said for many novels. But do not get me wrong. The book didn’t start badly and get better. It maintained upward momentum throughout. I will be talking about this novel for some time.

A word of warning to those of you who believe this to be light summer reading, as suggested by the cutesy blue-and-yellow cover. This book can be at times disturbing. There is a scene involving a needle and an eyeball. I will say no more. If you believe that such things should never come in contact with each other and that having them do so would ruin your reading experience, please pass up this novel. If you’re like me and you enjoy disturbing content, hop aboard. We’ll be making stops at least every fifty pages.

In summation: Herman Koch is now on my Must-Buy list. He has a new novel coming in 2016 and I am now eagerly awaiting it. I might have to take up Norwegian so I can read his earlier books, or, you know, Crown Publishing can get the lead out of their asses and publish the rest of this dude’s back catalog. Love ya for it.

Final Judgment: Will probably end up on my Top Five of 2015 list.

I received this book from http://www.bloggingforbooks.org/ for this review. They make me say that because of the FTC and all that jazz. It didn’t sway my final judgment. If you have a problem with that, maybe seek counseling and stop worrying about what other people do.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1210417/summer-house-with-swimming-pool-review

Blue Ruin Mini Movie Review

Review:

 

Dearest Hollywood, I want more movies like this.

 

I will not sully the experience that is Blue Ruin by explaining why it’s the best thriller I’ve seen in damn near five years. Watch it, and then we’ll discuss it. It’s on Netflix. Go on. I’ll be here when you get back.

 

In summation: Highly recommended to everyone who can stand brutal content. 

 

Final Judgment: Watch this fucking movie.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1209654/blue-ruin-mini-movie-review

Sagan’s been dead for nearly 20 years, but dude hit th...

Sagan’s been dead for nearly 20 years, but dude hit the nail on this head with this one.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1209183/post

Ruminating On: Walmart

Ruminating on: Walmart

 

This is a plea. Please, stop shopping at Walmart. The products are only slightly cheaper than their competitors, and what you save in anxiety, frustration, and hope for humanity by not shopping there is worth more than the four cents you save on shampoo and the dollar off your family-sized Crisco.

 

I went shopping with my mother today. I witnessed several things. Firstly, the managerial staff were all hanging around the aisles, leaning on columns and gossiping about their subordinates. Not ten feet away from them aisles were clogged with unmanned pallets and buggies. Obviously, their associates were supposed to be restocking. On a Friday. In the middle of the day. Let that sink in. I know you’ve been to Walmart. I know you’ve seen how busy Walmart is on a Friday. You already can’t move because of the sheer amount of flesh bouncing around in the aisles. What kind of idiotic managerial staff has their associates doing a full restock on a Friday?

 

When my mother and I finally made it to the checkout, the cashier did not speak to us once. Not even to tell us the total. In fact, when we asked how much the total was, she turned the display so we could see it. Do I blame this cashier for being antisocial? No I do not. And here’s why.

 

Walmart is a circle of suffering that feeds on itself, like a snake devouring its tail. The employees are miserable because they have to deal with miserable human beings. These miserable human beings shop at Walmart due to the convenience of finding everything in one place. Yes, people shop there because of the lower prices. But more people shop there because they’re lazy. Where else can you buy shoes, milk, trash bags, makeup, and a new set of tires, all while getting your oil changed under the same roof? (I am fully aware that disabled persons and people who’ve simply fallen on hard times frequent Walmart as well. We’ll get to one such person at the end of this post. For now, we’re talking about lazy people.)

 

Lazy people are notoriously selfish. (If you have any question about the laziness and selfishness of the people in question, go out to your local Walmart and check out the wardrobes of the folks roaming the aisles. Pro tip: breathe through your mouth when within close proximity.) Is it any wonder that Walmart customers are in such a bad mood? I mean, they have to deal with all these other people just to get their shopping done. And then what happens? They let their vitriol overflow on Walmart associates.

 

Of course the people in customer service at Walmart are mad at the world. Look at the entitled jerks they have to deal with on a daily basis. Of course Walmart cashiers aren’t friendly. Look at the people they have to ring up. Of course our cashier didn’t talk to us. She was probably afraid we were going to bitch her out because the managerial staff decided to do a full restock on a Friday.

 

But does complaining work? No it doesn’t. When you call Walmart’s complaint line, you don’t actually speak to a human being. A computer asks you questions about the store number, the time and date, and then asks you to describe your experience. At the end of the recording, you are told that your complaint will be sent to your local Walmart. Someone there will look over your complaint. What good does this do if part of the problem is the managerial staff? Am I to believe that the managers who were leaning against columns and gossiping about their employees will actually care that I had a bad experience inside their store? You know what’s going to happen – my complaint will get deleted and nothing will be done. My local Walmart (which is located in Prattville, Alabama) will continue to give the same poor customer service as it always has, because people will continue to shop there, and the snake will continue to eat itself.

 

So if it’s not going to make a difference why am I writing this? Well, this is nothing more than a plea, really. Maybe if more of us stopped shopping at Walmart, something might be done. Maybe if more of us complain, managers will actually start listening. Yes, Walmart is a mega corporation that truly only cares about one thing — money. Little old me is not going to change that. Unfortunately, I have a mother who shops there and refuses to go anywhere else because she’s disabled and can get everything in one place. No in and out of cars. No trekking from place to place in hundred degree heat. And oh look at the savings. Who am I to argue? Still, I see how Walmart affects her. She’s always a much angrier person when we leave that place. She always has something to complain about. And why shouldn’t she, when there is so much to complain about.

 

I’m going to go and try to calm down. Take care of each other.

 

*hugs and high-fives*

 

E.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1208577/ruminating-on-walmart

I LOVE a good rant. It’s an artform, really. Origina...

I LOVE a good rant. It’s an artform, really.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1207444/post

The Quiet Game Review

Review:

Lemme tell you a story.

I’m perusing the stacks at my local Books-a-Million (hitherto referred to as BAM), when I come across an absolutely gorgeous hardcover by a guy named Greg Iles. That novel was Natchez Burning, and if you’re ever at BAM or any other brick-and-mortar bookseller, check it out. Shoot, maybe you own this marvel of modern publishing. I wanna have babies with that hardcover. Papercuts on my dinglehopper be damned! Anyfuck, I’m wiping drool from my mouth as I pull out my phone and bring up my Goodreads app. Fuck my couch and call me Naugahyde,Natchez Burning is the FOURTH goddamn book in a series starring author/lawyer Penn Cage. What’s a book junkie to do? Start the series at the beginning, that’s what.

Horribly tragic side note: The Bone Tree (Penn Cage #5) just came out and it’s just as fucking sexy as it’s predecessor. My lights are gonna get cut off, people, but at least I’mma have some pretty books to read by candlelight.

Back on track. After ogling Natchez Burning, I traipsed over to my second favorite stomping grounds (Trade N Books in Montgomery, AL) to find the first three Penn Cage books because BAM didn’t have any of the earlier novels. Bad BAM! Shame on you! Luckily, my used bookseller had the first and the third books in the series. I bought them posthaste. This was two weeks ago. I went back today, after having finished the first novel last night, and they had the second book. Series acquired. Let the Greg Iles marathon begin!

The Quiet Game is one of those novels that defies categorization. It is equal parts action, suspense, courtroom drama, and literary novel. There’s even a bit of horror toward the end. (The last meeting with Ike Ransom was intense and disturbing. Two words: Bone fragments). And the final court case damn near gave me an anxiety attack.

I know absolutely dick about lawyer-type shenanigans, but I understood everything in this book. Iles does a fantastic job of dropping knowledge on your ass without making it feel as if you’re taking a law course at a community college. In other words, this novel is never boring. It grips you from the first page and hooks you through the bag until the end. I read the final 200 pages in a day. Couldn’t put the book down. Iles ends every chapter in such a way that you feel the pressing urgency to continue on. And when you do put the book down you feel as if you’ve lost a friend.

In summation: I could go on and on about the terrific twists and the brutality and the tragedy and the stellar dialogue but I won’t. I will tell you to read it and find out for yourself. Now would you kindly fuck off so I can start the next book in the series. Peace!

Final Judgment: You’ll break the bank searching for the rest of this guy’s books.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1207326/the-quiet-game-review