Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 76

How to Reach a Mutual Solution in Your Relationship

We’re coming up to fourteen years together, and it’s still such an easy relationship. That’s because we want to be in a relationship and we want it to be easy. Let’s look at those separately. Firstly, why do we, or you, or anybody want to be in a relationship? There is the practical reason that life is easier with two, whether it’s moving furniture, cooking in turn or splitting the rent. Then there’s sex, of course, and lastly companionship., the sense of connecting with another human being. It is such a basic need of being seen, heard, understood. When core values are aligned, all those wants can be fulfilled.

And then we want an easy relationship. Who wouldn’t? Apparently lots of people who replicate their dysfunctional past because it’s familiar in both senses of the word. But we do, and so when we have a disagreement or we need to make a decision, we find that we can reach a solution without ever having to see each other as being on opposite sides.

The first thing that makes this possible is that we have the same core values. We don’t feel that the other person is going to dishonor who we are. The second is that we have found that there are always, always multiple possibilities and together we can co-create a solution that represents the two of us. This works because our surface desires are expressions of more basic wants, and those in turn go deeper until we reach core needs, and because those match, we are always able to find alignment at some point in this descent of desires.

We looked into how we were able to do this and identified different aspects which together make up what we call Our Process. You too can apply this in your relationship, and the more you do it, the easier and the more enjoyable it will become.

Set The Scene

When breaking patterns and forming new ones, it helps to be aware of all aspects of what you are doing and to bring your own presence and consciousness with you to the experience. When you and your partner have a decision to make or a problem to solve, approach it with a sense of adventure. This is going to be something different than you are used to doing. The two of you are on the same side and are looking to find a creative answer together.

Start by choosing a time and place that allows for a relaxed exchange. (That rules out breakfast time before work!) Make sure you are both comfortable and that you won’t be interrupted or hurried so you can give each other and what you are doing your full attention. Start out by holding hands or being in physical contact, and proclaim to each other that you are on the same side and are looking for a place of mutual agreement. Relax, empty your minds of everything and prepare to enjoy yourselves!

Speak Personally

Communication is to relationship what breathing is to maintaining life. Virginia Satir

Fully share your thoughts and feelings to the issue, speaking one at a time. Practice active listening. This means paying full attention to what your partner is saying, and to their body language too. Do not be preparing your answers in your head while your partner is talking. Pay attention and truly hear what your mate is saying. It’s a great opportunity for a deeper sense of intimacy and getting to know each other even better.

Be very careful with your language. Avoid using the finger pointing “you” and speak from your “I”. Don’t say “You closed the window”, say “I’m feeling hot.” When you are sharing about yourself, and not making accusations, each of you will be able to relax and trust that you are working together toward a solution.

Statements which begin “You never” or “You always” are usually ones that generate far more heat than they do illumination. The actual difficulties cannot be clarified when they are being buried under a slag heap of wide-ranging, irrelevant denunciations. Maggie Scarf

Don’t criticize each other’s sharing. Just listen and learn. You are both involved in a process which will bring forth unexpected new resolutions. Trust the process and stay open. As you continue to share, you will find that something new and unexpected begins to happen: other solutions, ideas and possibilities begin to appear. These are not ideas or positions that come from just one of you. They are something different that emerges from your joint selves, from your union.

Explore Together

Take your time. Don’t try to rush toward a final outcome. Enjoy the time together talking, listening and being heard. Enjoy being accepted and not criticized. It feels so good to remember and experience that you are truly on the same side. Keep open to discovery, without pushing for being right or wanting a specific forgone conclusion.

Can you avoid conflict in your relationship? Absolutely! #quote #relationships #marriage #dating
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Trust the Process

When first practicing this process, you or your partner may falter, but that’s OK; the other person can help keep things on track. If you find yourself getting defensive, argumentative, or losing that feeling of connection with your partner, remember this is something you both want. Speak about how you are feeling without blaming. Reiterate to each other that it is your belief and intention to find mutual solutions. Gentle physical contact and facing and looking at each other always helps. Even though you might not see it yet, believe a result is possible, and that the two of you want to reach it together.

Expect the Unexpected

We’d like to close with a quote from our book How Two: Have a Successful Relationship.

The results of this process are quite surprising, and you will discover a real sense of pleasure at tackling the issue together. As ideas, viewpoints and feelings are exchanged between the two of you, the results go way beyond either of your original concepts, and you will reach a place that works for both of you that neither of you imagined initially. It is not a product of compromise, but rather something your openness and acceptance of each other has created. You may have changed your position as a result of this process, but you have not been forced to give anything up.

After using this approach on a few problems, you get a feel for it. Literally. A sense of delight and intimacy arises when you find a mutual solution. Your positive experiences accumulate and bring with them assurance and peace, combined with the knowledge that acting in union you can find answers and resolutions that are far more than either of you have conceived of alone.

This is the last of a 3 part series. Part 1 was on Core Values and part 2 on the Spectrum of Acceptance.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to look at differences in your relationship. These articles cover various aspects of that.

Deep Acceptance In Relationships “For securely attached adults, differences between them are generally not threatening to the relationship. … For insecurely attached adults (on average one out of three, though people tend to hang out with like-kinds) it’s a whole different ballgame, and this is where things get way more complicated.”

Acceptance: The Foundation of Lasting Relationships “Research suggests that there are fundamentally five ways to deal with disappointment and disillusionment in a romantic partner, each with varying degrees of effectiveness:”

6 Ways to Manage the Differences in Your Relationship “Mary loves romantic comedies. Her boyfriend Sam likes action movies—the more violent, the better. She’s a vegetarian; he’s a carnivore. ‘I love him, but we seem totally mismatched,’ she says. ‘We can’t agree on a movie or a meal; how can we make important life choices, like where we’ll live or when we’ll start a family?’”

How to Look at Differences in Your Relationship

Squabbles in a relationship are like stones in your shoes; they don’t have to be there. They often come from not fully accepting your partner. Learning about acceptance within a relationship is a way to avoid hobbling along, always being irritated by that stone. People often reject the term “acceptance” because they take it to mean “having to put up with.” We have a different approach, and see the acceptability of actions as lying on a spectrum. How Two: Have a Successful Relationship

We talked last week about how important it is that you and your partner hold the same core values because if not, you’re going to clash over them again and again. But people clash over all sorts of things, from big to small. These might be activities that involve both of you. Whose turn is it to walk the dog? Where should we buy a house?

Or there might be something about your partner’s behavior that bugs you. Do they leave the lights on? Does their wardrobe date from the disco era?

Some things will bug you more than others, and we like to think of them as lying on a spectrum. At one end are your core values, the deal breakers we’ve talked about. At the other end are those niggly little things that can get to you.

One of the most important things we practice is full acceptance – that your partner is who they are, and by meticulously respecting that, you offer them a space to be completely themselves. It’s a wonderful gift. So when something niggles at you, that’s an opportunity to look inside, find what causes it, let it go and just slip into the flow of life together.

Of course, this doesn’t work for everything. When you can’t let go of something but it’s not a deal-breaker, it lies toward the middle of the spectrum of acceptance.

In the middle of the spectrum are things of importance that have potential resolutions, like whose parents to visit for Christmas, what color to paint the living room or how to deal with the neighbors. Again, these issues vary, and what is a core value for some may be in the middle for others. The more you know what is of real meaning and value to you, the easier it will be to enter into a loving relationship with another. How Two: Have a Successful Relationship

Here’s where some real magic can occur. You can resolve these issues to the complete satisfaction of both of you without coming into conflict. Next week, we’ll tell you about our process that will allow this to happen.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we asked why are core values important in your relationship? Here are some articles that deal with core values, including an exercise to help determine them.

The key for a successful relationship: Aligned values “Aligned values are one the most important things in any relationship. Whether it is with your life partner or business partner, aligned or misaligned values will define the success or failure of a relationship from day one. I like to visualise this as a pyramid, where at the very top you have your values, and below that, you have your life vision, then your objectives, and then at the bottom, your interests.”

What Core Values Mean to Love “Core values form the foundation on which we live and conduct ourselves. When we’re in alignment with our core values, we know the direction our life is heading and what’s important to us. We experience more peace, self confidence and well-being. Without core values, we find ourselves drifting from relationship to relationship or staying in unhealthy relationships and never really feeling fulfilled.”

Live Your Core Values: 10 Minute Exercise to Increase Your Success “Our core values are the true representation of our authentic selves. Unfortunately, our authenticity is not always what we present to the world. The bright beacon of core values may dim under clouds other people and circumstances cast over them. That is why it is important to know and stand firm on what your core values are. … It doesn’t take years of soul searching and self-reflection to find your core values. The following exercise can help you start living your best life according to your core values in 30 minutes or less.”

Why Are Core Values Important in Your Relationship?

PHIL: Have you ever been in a relationship where the same issue kept coming up again and again? It may have been twice a week or twice a year, but it was something the two of you could never resolve.

That was a core value. It might be fiscal responsibility, having children, where to live, sexual needs or décor; only you can say what yours are.

It’s also possible that you can’t say what yours are. Perhaps it’s an area where you’ve never been challenged; perhaps what you think is an important value is just a resistance to change.

It might help to think of this in several areas. One is material: where you live, what your physical needs are, how you relate to the environment, how important possessions are for you. Another is emotional needs, to use the term broadly. What is your balance of privacy and connection? What are your expectations of support? Do your religious/spiritual beliefs cause the two of you to act differently in the world? Do you see social relations in terms of equality or hierarchy?

Your core values may change with time and circumstances, and as you learn more about yourself and how the world works, their level of importance may shift. That’s OK. Change is one of the wonderful things about living.

So when you meet someone, how do you judge that you’re compatible? Sorry, you can’t do so initially for several reasons. The joy of that initial connection dominates the first period of time, and it takes time to see how your partner responds under various circumstances. How do they handle a fender bender, a job loss, a bridezilla? Sometimes, the differences between two people are so great that things can never work out. That’s sad, because there are always good aspects of a relationship that you have to relinquish.

But in the absence of red flags, your shared core values are the bedrock on which you can build a wonderful relationship.

Core values must match for a successful relationship. What are yours? #relationships #quote
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MAUDE: What’s most important when starting and building our relationships? Ah yes, that is a critical question! There are certain things that are immediately apparent; are we attracted to this person and do we enjoy time with this person, for example.

An area which takes a bit more time to assess, but is nevertheless a foundational issue, is whether or not we share core values with this prospective partner.

What do we mean by core values? These are the areas that are most expressive of who you are and what has true meaning for you in life. These are, in effect, the deal breakers that we all have, the things we cannot and should not ignore or discard for the sake of a budding relationship. If we try to do so, they will inevitably raise their head and become more and more problematic. Do not push core values aside in the flush of new romance, as this is a path to sure misery!

In order to know our core values, we need to have spent time getting to know ourselves. This is a prerequisite to any successful relationship and it will eventually need doing. The more we have learned about our own deepest meanings and values, the more we will be able to assess relationships appropriately.

At the same time, we must be careful not to decide too quickly. Take enough time to see if what a person says in words is actually carried through in their actions. She may tell you she cares about others and wants the best for all people, but in reality, you notice that she is very self-centered and rarely sees or acknowledges the plight of others. He may say the environment is important to him, but you notice that he doesn’t recycle, litters without any thought of the consequences or complains all the time about measures meant to safeguard the environment. There is often a huge divide between what people say and what they actually do. Pay attention to the truth in the actions of your potential partner, as this will be the bedrock of being able to practice total acceptance.

Once core values match, you will need to work with the Spectrum of Acceptance to become comfortable with the uniqueness of your partner and the fact that they are not you but someone completely different. Tune in next week for more on these next steps in the art of peaceful relationships.

This is number 1 of a 3 part series on Core Values, the Spectrum of Acceptance and Our Process. We look forward to your feedback!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we asked if you are open to the sacred in your relationship. Here are some writings that others have done.

What is Sacred Union with Another Person? “A sacred relationship is a relationship in which we are inspired to see the Divine in another person. We become ready for this sacred relationship at a very particular time in our lives – a time when we awaken to the sacredness within ourselves. When you come to realize that you’re not just a body – that you are, in fact, the essence of love and truth – a deep desire to know yourself as love (and to experience this sacred love in relationships), comes forth.”

Sacred Relationship Takes Courage “The key to sacred relationship is to have the spiritual perception of who you are and who the other is. This essential spiritual understanding is the foundation of sacred relationship. Sacred relationship is the oldest and the newest frontier. In today’s society, the whole meaning of relationship as sacred – as an evolutionary way of life – is not exactly a focus. But it’s the newest frontier and represents the cutting edge of consciousness.”

SACRED RELATIONSHIPS: A New Paradigm Unfolding “I’ve come to realize that there aren’t many examples of sacred relationships on the planet – relationships where both partners genuinely love themselves and each other; relationships where both partners enjoy themselves, each other, and life together. Sacred relationships do exist, but they are so uncommon that the majority of us have yet to witness a true sacred relationship, let alone experience one. What is a sacred relationship? Why are we so challenged with finding our ‘soul mate’, our ‘twin flame’, or our ‘true love’? Perhaps the answer lies in our perception of what true love is and what it means to be in a sacred relationship.”

Are You Open to the Sacred in Your Relationship?

Our relationship has been filled with revelations for both of us. The largest of those has been its sacred nature. We use this phrase consciously, as we came to this truth through actual experience.

We call it our sacred space, a time when we set aside our involvement with the world and come together to revel in each other’s presence. You’ll find advice like this in plenty of relationship articles, usually described as spending quality time with each other. We’d like to go further on what our experience is, and one key aspect is that it consists of adding to the sense of self.

This needs a short digression to explain it fully. Western culture places all its weight on the self, the individual, and also has an obsession with categorizing the world in a binary fashion, as A and not-A. Blame Aristotle and George Boole for this. The result is a reluctance to see anything as something and something else at the same time, and this leads to being trapped in the self, forced to be that and nothing else.

But our experience is that we are each ourselves and also us, as if we are connected in some other dimensions, and we know this not through the usual senses, but in some other way. It is enhanced by touch and sex, but they are not pre-requisites, merely amplifiers. It exists at the same time as our individual selves, and to see it and acknowledge it at all requires relinquishing the idea that we are our self and only our self, and admitting of something else beyond the ego. This connection with spirit, the divine, God or whatever label you choose for this ineffable state is why the word “sacred” seems so appropriate for us.

Bridging the gap between ourselves and another is a transcendent act #quote #relationships
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A true relationship with another evokes feelings of kinship, even love and the exchange of heart energy. The very act of bridging the gap between ourselves and another is a transcendent act. We move past ourselves to the recognition that there is a self that is not us; in fact, a separate and unique individual. This understanding is the path to a relationship with the divine.

In an intimate partnership relationship, the interactions become imbued with love, respect, appreciation and above all, presence.

When we are with each other, we are both fully present. As a result, each encounter is filled with the unique, with the possibility of something new; we are co-creating our experience. We approach each other with the honor accorded the sacred, not because we have made it a priority (something on a list made important by our minds), but because it is special, holy, not of the mundane. Each time we set aside time, or just encounter each other in the passing of our lives, it brings the experience of this breathtaking phenomenon – we are not the only one here, we are with another, different, and beloved.

As we wrote recently, words are just one way that we understand the world and it is easy to overlook aspects that are not covered by language. This exquisite experience takes place only in the present. True, we bring all that we are to every moment and that includes what we have experienced up until that instant, but the present is not filled with thoughts of the past or projections of the future. It is emptiness filled by what is. And that is sacred.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we asked if you need to be mature for a conflict free relationship. Here are some other peoples’ writing on the subject.

How to Have a Mature Relationship Although WikiHow has a cartoon look to it, we find that the advice is often spot on. “Mature adult relationships are founded on good communication and trust. When these factors are in place, both partners feel supported by and committed to the relationship. If you want to help your relationship mature, work on building a healthy bond, developing positive communication habits, and improving trust between you and your partner. It may also help to get insight into your past habits to solve common relationship problems.”

3 Things Emotionally Mature Couples Do “A mature relationship lives by this peace of mind; immature ones drown in it. There’s no real drama. Because drama is for kids. Drama is for people who don’t know how to have a relationship — who live by idealistic, preconceived notions that love must be wild and obsessive. Love is easy. It’s the easiest thing you’ve ever done. It’s the calmest place in your life, the safest blanket you’ve ever worn. It’s something that happens naturally; it doesn’t need to be fought for day in and day out.”

Difference Between A Mature Relationship And An Immature Relationship “Emotional maturity is an essential ingredient in creating a stable, loving, and long-lasting relationship. It does not come naturally with age. Couples who have been married 30 plus years and are still locked in a power struggle have not yet achieved emotional maturity as they are often stuck in the blame game and the cycle of reactivity. Emotionally mature couples have developed healthy habits that have enabled them to take the higher road and have led them to create fulfilling relationships. Here are three things emotionally mature couples do:”

Do You Need to be Mature for a Conflict Free Relationship?

MAUDE: Some years ago we were doing an interview with Bill Weil of Conscious Couples Conversations and he asked us if we thought maturity had anything to do with having a peaceful relationship. This past weekend we were at an indie author book fair, and a marriage and family counselor approached us and asked the same question. He wondered if you had to be of a certain age and maturity to have the kind of relationship that we discuss.

We have asked ourselves the same question a number of times in reflecting on the hows and wherefores of our relationship. The short answer is yes, we do feel that a certain level of experience is necessary for this type of relationship. But what does that mean? When we were talking with Bill Weil, he hastened to clarify that he did not mean age per se. He noted that his son, who was in his 20’s at the time, was quite mature, having worked on himself consciously for quite a while.

That is one of the most important parts of what we think is necessary. You have to have worked on yourself. You have to have come to know yourself. We are not suggesting that this journey needs to be completed (or is ever completed), but you need to have reflected, observed and come to understand who you are and what you want.

When this is the case, you will also know what your core values are and you will base your relationship on those core values, making sure they are shared with your partner.

We are sure that things would have been different for us if we had met before we were ready for each other, ready for commitment, uninterested in drama, seeking mutuality and both knowing enough about ourselves that we could honestly share it with each other.

How does your relationship work? Have you both reached a level of maturity where you can share goals and seek for mutual solutions and decisions? Do you share the belief and intent to have a peaceful relationship? Do you celebrate the differences between you without trying to change each other? Do you express the 3A’s with each other? These are some of the markers that indicate a level of awareness that can blossom into a peaceful and conflict-free relationship. We deeply wish that for all of you. May you join those spreading peace, one relationship at a time.

Reach for the level in your relationship where you can share goals and seek for mutual solutions?
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PHIL: We get asked this question again and again in various forms: don’t you need a certain maturity or age or second marriage before you can have a relationship like yours? Yes, but it doesn’t have to take a lifetime.

When you first set out in the world, you don’t know the difference between a good relationship and a bad one. It’s like going into a restaurant where none of the items on the menu are familiar. You pick one at random, or perhaps you pick one that matches your childhood fare: you were ignored, so you pick a workaholic; you were abandoned, so you pick a philanderer; you were beaten, so you opt for abuse.

How could you know any better? Does a fish know it’s in water? We assume that the world we live in is how the world is. As we careen at random through the cosmos and taste more and more relationships from the menu of life, we come to learn what is available and what we want, yet that can entail a lifetime of learning.

There is an online advice forum where people post their relationship problems and other people offer advice. It’s frequently near-unanimous: how could you let her do that to you; stand up to your mother-in-law; ask for help instead of assuming he knows. OP (original poster) will often follow up three days or three months later with an update, having been jolted into action by the collective perception of a hundred people.

That’s where we, Phil and Maude, come in. We’re here to tell you about this dish that’s not even on many menus. It’s a peaceful, wonderful relationship made of acceptance, individuality and presence. If you’re not in a relationship, look out for it on the menu. And if you are, go home and tell your partner what a dish they are.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we asked why are acceptance, appreciation and acknowledgement important in your relationship? Other people write about these, sometimes choosing slightly different A?words.

The 3As in Relationship Success: Acceptance, Appreciation, Acknowledgement “This is when being able to fully accept your lover is essential. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, do, or believe. But you have to know that this is who they are. They are not you and for some people this can be upsetting. I know, hard to believe, but it is amazing how many people come into my office wanting me to change their partner — make them understand how incorrect they are in their beliefs and actions. This is non-acceptance at its highest form.”

Learn the 5 A’s of Relating “We all crave something in relationships. This is why you are reading this blog. This is why you have sought out relationships of every kind for your entire life. We are innately social creatures, constantly seeking something from others, and giving that something back to others in the process we call relating. We’ve seen it in the movies, romance novels, success stories, and the like. We seek it subconsciously every day, but how do you describe it? What is it, exactly? The closest I’ve come to understanding what “it” is came when I learned the 5 A’s of relationships.”

Being accepted and appreciated for who you are “What could be more fundamental to a healthy, loving relationship than being accepted and appreciated for who you are? And yet, it’s a common issue. Why is that? One set of reasons boil down to challenges in communication and interpretation.”