Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 80

How to Keep Love Alive in Your Relationship

You probably agree on the need to feed your relationship, and yet there still remains the question of how to do it. How do you keep the love and juicy presence of your relationship alive in your everyday life? We’ve talked about the general attitude and behavior, and today we thought we would look at some specific actions that we and some of the couples we’ve interviewed do. These are shared to stimulate your imagination, and to help you center in on things that might work for you and your lover.

Last week we mentioned the Guardian Angel game and how nice it can be to practice being your partner’s angel consciously. What is required to do that? First and foremost, is the intention to do so. You have to step enough out of the everyday world that occupies each of you, and think of your partner, what they would like or need, and how you can do or express that in a way that fits to you and is within your abilities.

We have a lot of fun giving each other cards. These are given for the most part on non-holiday occasions (although we do the holidays too!), and placed on a pillow or keyboard in each other’s office, or somewhere unexpected that will be encountered with a bit of surprise. Its always such a sweet rush to find a card propped up and waiting. Often we use these opportunities to write of our love; sometimes its funny or sexy, tells of our appreciation of each other, or some acknowledgment of how important we are to each other. Writing the cards provides a wonderful experience of finding ways to tell each other what we love and how we feel, while reminding us of why we are together.

A few times a year, we take out our card collection and will go back and read the cards to each other. Its remarkable to see how much we recognized of our relationship and its specialness, even in the very early stages of its development. Its great to be reminded of what we have stated in so many different ways to each other over the years.

How do you keep the love alive every day in your relationship? #love #relationships #marriage
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Actually stepping out of your regular life is also a way of adding creativity and newness to your shared adventures. The cliché is date night, but don’t let cliches scare you. One of the couples we interviewed have an agreement to go away together every two months for a three or four day trip. They love having new experiences and shared that they find it an opportunity to concentrate on each other while doing something different together.

Another couple we know goes away overnight once a week, every week without fail. We’re not privy to what happens, but we imagine it to be a rejuvenation similar to what we call our sacred space when we retire mid-evening to talk, relax, make love or watch Netflix. We leave the day behind and celebrate being with each other.

No matter what your life is like, there is a way that will fit to you where you can incorporate some aspect of this concept. And if your life is very stretched and you feel you do not have enough time, think again and carefully look at your priorities. Its important to find a way to set aside time for your relationship no matter how busy you are with jobs, parenting, or commitments; your relationship is the underpinning for many of these things and you must structure a way to feed it and treat it as a priority!

Last week we received a comment from Nikki Caine who has a blog on “all things romance and relationship related.” She just finished a 14 day romance challenge and shared it on her blog. This is a very structured and fun way to approach play in in your relationship. Check it out.

The more time you spend thinking on this and looking at ways to show your love, the more in love you will find yourself being. Or at least you will be more aware of the fact that you are. It will naturally draw you toward your partner and the results are often far beyond the small gestures that you make. Oh, and the other thing is that you will learn so very much about yourself!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we discussed why you need to feed your relationship. These articles offer lots of good suggestions about this topic.

10 Small Acts in a Relationship That Are Actually a Really Big Deal “There is an important distinction to be made in relationships between people who pay attention to detail, and people who don’t. The first type are people who don’t usually go all-out on the big things like extravagant gifts or getaways for special occasions, but they don’t do small things like take care of you while you are sick or go to pick up a prescription at CVS.”

The Single Best Thing You Can Do for Your Relationship “When we think of what we can do to nurture our relationship, we often think of tangibles. Buy her diamond earrings. Take her out to an elegant dinner. Surprise him by wearing sexy lingerie. Buy flowers and chocolate. Take a romantic trip together. While all of these things certainly won’t hurt your relationship (at all!), they aren’t necessarily the strongest ways to connect with your loved one. The deeper component has more to do with how you interact together rather than what you do together. It’s called validation. Consistent, thoughtful validation of your partner’s thoughts and feelings is the best thing you can do for your relationship.”

Best Relationship Tip Ever? Pay Attention to Your Partner! “It’s easy to get into a rut. Sometimes we take the people we love the most for granted. They deserve the biggest part of our attention, but we frequently find ourselves giving them the least. This is incredibly common. It seems life just gets in the way. With so many distractions, it can seem impossible to get it right.If you’re finding yourself nodding along as you’re reading this, then you’re in the right spot. It seems like everyone has some love advice they’re eager to share. But what is truly the best relationship tip to help you turn this situation around? Pay attention to your partner!”

You Need to Feed Your Relationship

Maude: Do not take your relationship for granted. We don’t usually issue proclamations of this nature, but this cannot be said enough.

Valentine’s day and anniversaries and other landmarks are all really nice opportunities to celebrate your relationship. However, if you are not staying alert and in tune with your partner, these few moments of recognition will not keep your love alive!

Be present. Pay attention. Observe and listen to your partner. We all want to be acknowledged, but often in different ways. Find out what your partner likes and desires, then translate that into something that you are comfortable with and able to do. Putting time and effort into finding ways to honor and celebrate your mate will be the water of your togetherness, and keep it growing toward the light.

What do you do on a day-to-day basis to nourish your relationship? The magic is often in the little things. Stay in contact and make sure your partner knows that you are connected, that you are thinking of them and sharing your inner life with them.

Sharing is one of the key words here. Sharing yourself, your thoughts, feelings and experiences is the glue of relationships through the everyday events of life. When we know what is going on with our mate, we feel connected in a visceral way which bridges any distance and smooths out misunderstandings.

Create surprises. Act out of the ordinary, but in line with what you have learned is meaningful to your partner.

Years ago, while living in a community, we all played the Guardian Angel Game for a few weeks in a row. The game is simple. Every morning you put all the names in a hat and then everyone picks a name. You are the guardian angel for that person for the day. The idea is to think of things that will please and support that person and then to do them anonymously. Three of us were walking along one day, and one of the people said “I’m so glad we are taking this walk. It is really cheering me up because I don’t think I have an angel today. I haven’t noticed anything special.” The other person, who happened to be her guardian angel said “But I invited you to go on this walk in the woods!”

That’s the idea. Go out and practice being the guardian angel to your partner as often as you can!

Phil: Your relationship is a living thing. It changes all the time. It is how it is today because of what happened yesterday, and tomorrow it will be affected by how you act today.

Think of it like a house plant. You can feed and water and care for it, or you can neglect it.

Do you nourish your relationship with caring, contact, communication, honesty, support and sexuality? Do you let it languish by treating it as the backdrop to your life of work, hobbies, community involvement, environmental activism and projects? Do you cause stress in your relationship through hostility, criticism and competitiveness?

Just like a house plant, your relationship can survive periods of neglect, but only for so long. Bring it back to health:

Look at what attracted you in the first place. Odds are it’s still there, albeit changed or hidden under the grime of time.
Look at what is positive. Software designers use the term WYSIWYG, What You See Is What You Get. When you look at the positive, life seems good, and when you look at the negative, life seems bleak. Pessimists and realists will protest that this is simply avoidance, but 80-90% of how we see the world comes from our internal view of it.
Be present. There are several practical steps toward this. Be open to yourself and your body: how you are holding yourself, what you are feeling. This is a great help in the next step: promote being present through language by speaking in the first person and using only the present tense. Not “You took my hat” but “My ears are cold.”

Your relationship can be a source of much joy. Make it so.

Kit and Kat have something to say about this, too:

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we asked why is empathy important in your relationship? These articles share interesting studies and viewpoints on this topic. Oh, and Happy Valentines Day!

The Power of Empathy in Romantic Relationships & How to Enhance It ““Empathy is truly the heart of the relationship,” said Carin Goldstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Without it, the relationship will struggle to survive.” That’s because empathy requires compassion. And, without compassion, couples can’t develop a bond. “[A] bond is like glue: If there is no glue then everything falls apart.””

6 Ways to Nurture Empathy in Intimate Relationships “Having empathy applies to all walks of life and professions, from romance, friendships, parenting to politics. In his early research, Carl Rogers defined empathy as perceiving the internal frame of another person. He said that maintaining an empathetic way involves being sensitive moment by moment to the changing felt meanings that flow in the other person. “It means temporarily living in the other’s life, moving about in it delicately without making judgements; it means sensing meanings of which he or she is scarcely aware, but not trying to uncover totally unconscious feelings…””

9 Ways To Be More Empathetic To Your Partner & Feel More Connected, According To Experts “To have a healthy, strong relationship, it’s important for you and your partner to feel deeply connected with each other. While it may be easier to maintain this during the honeymoon phase, being vulnerable in your relationship and finding ways to be more empathetic to your partner can help with strengthening that emotional bond. Being empathetic means you’re aware of someone’s emotions from their perspective; you feel what they feel. Although it’s important to be empathetic in every personal connection you have, it’s vital to maintaining a long-lasting romantic relationship with your partner.”

Here’s a late addition: a BBC video on teaching empathy:

Why is Empathy Important in Your Relationship?

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Would you like a relationship with affinity, appreciation, being on the same wavelength, being there for someone, communion, a community of interests, compassion, comprehension, concord, good vibrations, hitting it off, insight, rapport, recognition, responsiveness, soul, sympathy and warmth? That’s empathy for you.

It means the ability to understand and share the feeling of another. If we are to feel connected to each other, then we must be able to experience empathy. Without it, we would treat everyone else as a competitor for resources. Think of it as being on a scale: at one end, you are a lone wolf, treating everyone else as a competitor for resources; at the other end, you are a saint.

You can’t have a personal relationship without it. It helps you solve issues and make choices that work for both of you.

To the extent that you show empathy, you have to expand your boundaries. You have to care about and be able to open to each other. You need to be concerned with both ends of making a connection – sharing what you feel and also being interested and able to listen to how your partner feels. What do they see? What are they thinking? How do they feel? What are their fears? When you understand their needs and desires, you can chart a course that takes both of you where you want to go.

This doesn’t mean that you have to give up a part of yourself. Your individuality hasn’t been crimped, it’s been broadened to include a glimpse of someone else.

Empathy in your personal relationship helps you find choices that work for both of you #quote
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When you regularly relate in this way, where each of you is comfortable letting go of your image of how something should be and hearing your love’s version, you develop a trust and strength that opens the door to finding mutual solutions. Empathy is the key to this door. As you get more skilled at this, you will again and again find yourselves discovering that something new emerges: a mutual place that fulfills the needs and desires of both of you.

It can be the answer to the divisiveness that is felt so deeply in the world at present. When we feel what the other is feeling, we no longer see them as a threat or challenge. We begin to see them as related, perhaps even as a relation. Whether it’s your partner, your neighbor or society at large, you can spread peace through empathy and understanding.

What do you think of when you contemplate empathy? How can you use this to deepen your relationship?

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to avoid annoyed in your relationship. These articles cover the issues of touch, dealing with anger and talking about feelings.

The Power of Touch “Hertenstein had volunteers attempt to communicate a list of emotions to a blindfolded stranger solely through touch. Many participants were apprehensive about the experiment. “This is a touch-phobic society,” he says. “We’re not used to touching strangers, or even our friends, necessarily.” But touch they did—it was, after all, for science. The results suggest that for all our caution about touching, we come equipped with an ability to send and receive emotional signals solely by doing so. Participants communicated eight distinct emotions—anger, fear, disgust, love, gratitude, sympathy, happiness, and sadness—with accuracy rates as high as 78 percent. “I was surprised,” Hertenstein admits. “I thought the accuracy would be at chance level,” about 25 percent.”

12 Creative Ways to Deal With Angry People Without Strangling Them to Death “Ancient wisdom traditions, especially Buddhism, invites us to take matters into our hands and look deeply into the nature of our mind in order to find the true source of our suffering. Buddha’s advice on how to deal with angry people is simple, profound and involves three steps

1. Examine your own mind,

2. Examine the mind of other person,

3. Use skillful means to make peace.”

How to Talk About Feelings With Your Romantic Partner “…recent research has shown that even just naming a feeling, without doing anything else, can lessen the intensity of the emotion and help us manage it better. On the other hand, when you ask your partner to tell you how he or she feels, you often have an agenda. That agenda most likely puts pressure on your partner. And that pressure makes it hard for him or her to label the feelings honestly, which then means that your partner doesn’t get the benefit of naming the feelings, and you end up feeling hurt, angry, and/or betrayed.”

How to Avoid Annoyed in Your Relationship

Phil: When we were writing the newsletter last week, Maude complained that I was irritated and impatient. I wasn’t fully conscious of that until she pointed it out. A lot of the technical aspects – for example, photo production – are in my domain, and sometimes I feel the weight of these and other responsibilities.

We talked, and the conclusion was that obligations like that are a form of control, of ensuring that things are done the way I like, and that Maude, being a perfectly competent person, could take them over and would do them her own different way. Plus, of course, we both understand that Maude contributes to our life together in other ways that cannot be directly compared. There is no exchange rate. We each support the relationship in our own way.

But we want to write this week not about the conversation, but about how we talked. My initial reaction was to ask for time to go to the farmers market so I could mull over what caused my impatience, but I realized that was an avoidance response (fight, flight or freeze), so we sat down to talk about it.

Despite my being a conflict-averse person, this is not a hard thing for me to do, because neither of us bring hostility to the table. We each trust in the benevolence of the other and trust that we will find a mutual understanding. We do this by talking honestly in the first person. It generates empathy and changes our understanding, and by the end creates a wonderful sense of intimacy.

We have had this experience so many times now that my tendency to conflict avoidance is silenced by the trust I have in a solution that leaves both of us feeling really good and close.

We have written elsewhere in detail about this process that we use, but I want to emphasize here something that we find is really important, even though the reason is not clear: keep in physical contact. Hold hands, link arms, rub shoulders, touch knees; whatever it is, it has a transformative effect on the conversation. I hypothesize that billions of years of evolution have created a body language that soothes and calms and speaks of cooperation, a language that has no words yet contributes enormously to the conversation.

So my closing injunction obviously has to be “Keep in touch” and you should leave a comment below!

Impatience? Irritation? How do you deal with them? Such feelings don’t have to escalate #marriage
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Maude: Impatience? Irritation? What is going on here?

That’s what I was asking myself the other day as we sat down to get our newsletter finished and ready to send out. Phil seemed to be annoyed and in a hurry, and was responding in a short clipped manner without his usual loving responsiveness.

I wasn’t having any of it! This is not how we relate to each other. I mentioned my confusion and dislike for the energy, and said it didn’t feel good or right.

A general call for exploring what was happening was put out and we retired to the living room to find out. This blog is not so much about what was happening in that particular incident, but more to the point, how we handled it and what we experienced as a result. On this day, we sat together on the couch holding hands and leaning into each other. We talked and shared and wound up feeling closer and more intimate than we had at the beginning of the conversation.

Often couples handle a feeling of distance or disharmony with avoidance and conflict. We find it important to recognize this is not the way to respond.

In order to have a different approach, you need to be able to call on trust; trust in the other person, trust that you both want and can find a mutual solution. The very act of coming together from this understanding creates an intimacy between you and draws you naturally closer. You are both consciously entering a place where you know each of you wants the same thing. The sense of separation or discord seems to naturally dissipate.

Something which seems very simple, but that we have found has profound consequences, is to come into physical contact while seeking mutuality. There is a soothing, calming sense of connection that occurs almost instantly which really changes the entire dynamic.

We have outlined Our Process for finding those mutual answers and you can read further on that in our most recent book and in several of our blogs. Suffice it to say that the usual techniques of good communication like speaking from the “I”, using active listening, non-accusatory language and not making lists are all helpful to finding your mutuality.

The key in these situations is to recognize your priorities quickly and address them. Are you aware you are out of sync with your partner? Is that something you want to continue, or is that just reflective of something else going on? Is it your priority to have a peaceful, loving relationship without estrangements? Are you really in too big a hurry to take time to clarify with your partner and reconnect when necessary? Do you want to cause your partner distress and are you aware that you are doing so? If you feel treated in a manner that doesn’t reflect your relationship, do you stop and confidently bring it to your partner’s attention?

These are just some examples of how you can apply awareness to behaviors within your relationship and keep them aligned with what you both truly want.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to make all your relationships successful. Here are some fascinating articles that speak to this topic.

Why Positive Relationships Are Needed for Emotional Health “It’s always good to see research that reveals how and why positive human connection in essential for emotional-physical health, wellbeing, and growth — especially when you experience adverse circumstances. A new study, reported in Personality and Social Psychology Review adds to that knowledge.”

5 Benefits of Healthy Relationships “Humans have an inherent desire to be close to other people. To connect and build relationships. While a man stranded on an island, talking to a volleyball (you remember the movie!) isn’t necessarily “healthy,” his compulsion for company is. That’s because the fact of the matter is, healthy relationships (romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships — they all count!) can help make for a healthier overall life. But what exactly does a healthy relationship look like?”

Social Relationships and Health: A Flashpoint for Health Policy NIH paper with links to research: “Studies show that social relationships have short- and long-term effects on health, for better and for worse, and that these effects emerge in childhood and cascade throughout life to foster cumulative advantage or disadvantage in health. This article describes key research themes in the study of social relationships and health, and it highlights policy implications suggested by this research.”

How to Make ALL your Relationships Successful

The ways that we behave in our personal relationships are a pretty good approach to all relationships, whether BFF or your bank teller.

Recently Maude was relating an experience with a beloved long term friend of hers. She was bemoaning the fact that this friend never reaches out to make contact and overall does not do much to maintain the friendship, even though she states it is one of her most treasured and intimate relationships. We were discussing Maude’s mixed feelings about this, and were struck by how important it is to apply the same principles to long term friendships as we suggest for intimate romantic ones.

The issue here causing Maude difficulties was the one of accepting and even celebrating the difference. Maude had been looking for the same responsiveness, reaching out and sharing that she herself offered in the relationship. Looking at the fact that we are all different and cannot and do not express ourselves in the same way led her to feel less upset and neglected. This dear friend is another person. Her skill set is different and she acts quite differently. Hence, the behavior which appears to be neglect of the relationship is really just a different way of acting, but does not reflect any less caring or commitment.

You can give and receive joy by appreciating that each person is an individual #quote #relationships
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This applies to friends, acquaintances and strangers alike. Even for casual interactions, you can still give and receive joy. Try to see the rich interior life of each person. They might have money problems and migraines, wonder what you think of them, and have a lover in Costa Rica. Or not. You may not know the specifics, but you do know that they have a world just as complex as yours, and have just as much right to it.

You may not share much in common, you may even have different core values, but it is still important to make sure that we acknowledge each other and show appreciation and awareness in whatever ways carry that meaning for us. Social interactions and meaningful friendships are very important for each of us. Susan Pinker says in her TED talk, “The secret to living longer may be your social life,” that these are the principal factors for longevity.

Our theme of Spreading Peace One Relationship at a Time is meant to illustrate that what we practice in our intimate relationships can actually have a great effect in the world. We can make peace a reality by learning how to accept and support each other. We can enrich our own lives greatly by finding ways of being that engender love and personal growth, and this experience will by its very nature spread and change the greater family of man.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about 5 important things for a new relationship. Here are some more suggestions for establishing a successful relationship.

Don’t Start A New Relationship Until You’ve Done These 4 Things “… Over the next few years, I attended support groups and coaching sessions, shed tears over past choices, spent nights reading personal growth books, and tried to make sense of the madness of this new frontier. At some point, I realized I was done. I had faced my demons. And while my past would always be a part of me, I was truly ready to move forward. Here are most important lessons I learned about finding true, lasting love:”

What Research Tells Us About the Most Successful Relationships “While a perfect relationship might be beyond the grasp of science, studies on what makes a relationship successful are everywhere. Over the years, these studies have come up with some trends that help us better understand what sets a long lasting relationship apart from one that ends quickly.”

5 Steps to Take Before Starting a New Relationship “Forget “The Rules.” Stop believing “He’s just not into you.” In fact, skip all the self-help confusion that instructs you on how to morph yourself into the perfect match for Mr. (or Ms.) Right. People who are genuinely happy with their romantic choices spend more energy working on their own self-development than on appearing a certain way to attract love. Instead of focusing on playing the game to entice a partner, put your focus on these five principles and, over time, the right match for you will present itself:”