Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 78

What Do You Reap When You Take a Leap in Your Relationship?

Transformation literally means going beyond your form – Wayne Dyer

Recently we went to a talk by Anne Lamott. The venue holds a couple of thousand people and the place was filled to the rafters. Anne gave a wonderful talk filled with personal revelations, sharing of her journey and lots of great humor, often pointed at herself. Her talk reminded us of a similar one with Elizabeth Gilbert when she appeared in Santa Barbara while her book “Eat Pray Love” was skyrocketing. Writers like these are able to reach deep within themselves for understanding and also turn that into words that resonate with people.

Their revelations started us wondering about the strength of their attraction.

A story is usually a journey of some sort. The hero’s progress and the sharing of the struggles, and often pain and suffering along the way is something that many people can relate to directly. The same tale is often applied to relationships. People have been conditioned to think that conflict is inevitable and that challenges and struggles are necessary and unavoidable.

We write our blogs and books from the direct experience of our relationship, and struggling and suffering have not been our path. This could be seen as a handicap because we didn’t start in turmoil and then hike through many brambles before arriving at our present state of happiness. Unlike books, films and the authors above, we do not have an arduous story to tell. Instead of describing all the towns we traveled through, we can only offer the city in which we live.

That is not to say that other people’s travails are not real; what we share is another way. We share the details of this because we firmly believe that a way of peace and joy is open to all who wish to embark down a different road.

In relationships, transformation is key. Take a leap and reap untold rewards #quote #relationships
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There is some pushback to the idea that instead of pain and suffering, people can find peace and joy. The common experience of struggling has been given strong value and importance. When things of lightness and joy are shared, they are often met with suspicion and disbelief. This is in many ways understandable, as we all have to deal with many hurts and disappointments in our lives as we come to grow and move forward. And yet there is another way.

It is not a path or a process, although it is usually preceded by these. Instead, it is a leap into a fully different reality. It is transformation.

Open your minds and your hearts to another way. We are living proof that it is possible to love without hardship and difficulty. You do not always have to struggle and work in order for your relationship to be full of calm, ease, and at the same time, juicy passion. – How Two: Have a Successful Relationship

The route, of course, will be different for each person, but here’s what every journey has in common: transformation. Change. There are two ways this comes about. One is incremental, like learning to ride a bike, and the other is instantaneous, the way a crossword puzzle answer suddenly appears. One moment you’re clueless and the next, it’s obvious.

Ideas of acceptance, individuality and presence are ways in which to see the world, and can be owned in an instant. It doesn’t happen just by hearing or reading about it, but at some point, a transformation can take place in the same way we can suddenly see a second perspective in an optical illusion.

When transformation occurs it is often so total that we do not even realize everything has changed until reflecting backward sometime later. With us, our way of relating with each other was so different from our previous relationships that it took us quite a long time to realize that we had experienced a life-altering transformation in relating and in being. By the time we noticed it, the change had become a way of life! Try it and you will be amazed. Jump in full with both feet. Take a leap and reap untold rewards.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we write about truth and white lies in your relationship. Here are some links to some interesting studies and thoughts on this topic.

Little White Lies: How Dishonesty Affects Intimate Relationships “Whatever the type of lie or reason behind it, when we lie so frequently, we build up a tolerance for lying itself. This means it can become easier to tell bigger lies when we think they’re called for. And while we may tell white lies to protect others, we might also begin to lie more to protect ourselves. This is where the problem begins. We may justify lying to ourselves as lying to protect a relationship, but actually we’re doing it to save our skin.”

Little White Lies: How Dishonesty Affects Intimate Relationships “There are thousands of ways we can deceive one another—and ourselves. On one hand, we can deliberately mislead others to enhance our own personal gain, deny responsibility for having done something wrong, or cheat or steal to get ahead. Then there are smaller fibs—like telling white lies to ease a friend’s distress or displaying confidence in our abilities when we have little to no idea what we’re actually doing. Hey, we’ve all done it. But studies suggest lying can take a toll on our wellbeing and interfere with the quality of our relationships. Time for some real talk about all this deception.”

Even Little White Lies Hurt Your Health “Still, simply because lying has become “common” doesn’t make constant lying “normal.” It’s terrible for your mental health, for one. Something you may have become immune or numb to is that sick feeling inside yourself when you tell a lie. That’s your conscience telling you, “This is wrong and you shouldn’t be doing it.” Depending on the lie, that sick feeling can grow. Over time, it can become a constant knot in the pit of your stomach or cause you to lose sleep or trigger depression.”

Truth and White Lies In Your Relationship

Photo by Kawtar Cherkaoui on Unsplash

PHIL: In my relationship, there is one thing I cling to like a branch that saves me from drowning. Maude always tells me the truth. It gives me a sense of security. I know where I am because I know where she is. If “I don’t care, you choose” or “It didn’t cost much” or “I left my phone on mute” were untrue on occasion, it would feel like Google Maps being wrong once a week.

I grew up in a family where truth seemed a very selective value. Lying was unacceptable, yet behind “Would you like another piece of cake?” was the message that no, I wouldn’t; two slices would be greedy. Sex was so taboo that my mother, by then separated, sent me to the vicar for the sex talk. He and I were equally and mortifyingly embarrassed.

To this day, when Maude chooses something that is to my liking also, I sometimes have a fleeting worry that the choice is in deference to me, and I need to remind myself that no, she doesn’t shade the truth, and I can continue without worrying that she might be accumulating some resentment that will ooze out at some future time.

So I have very mixed feelings about white lies. I understand they’re a necessary social lubricant to reduce friction between people, and my upbringing inclines me to social politeness, but white lies are the opposite of the directness and honesty that contribute to people being seen and feeling understood.

White lies are the opposite of the directness needed for people to feel seen and understood #quote
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MAUDE: My experience of childhood was quite different from Phil’s. In our household, everything was talked about and I can’t remember anything that was taboo. Nevertheless, I have had my share of relationships where real honesty and sharing were not the norms.

Even with that, I still approach people, and especially my intimate friendships and relationships, with the expectation and assurance that I am being told what the person actually thinks and that we are sharing our full minds and hearts. This, after all, is what deep relationships are all about.

That said, this does not mean that you must dump the full contents of your mind on the other person as though your truth is how it is, or that you are compelled to share every thought and belief that you have. It is important to remember that our judgments about any given thing are just that, they are ours, and similarly what someone shares with you is both a product of that person and often it is just as much about that person as it may be about you.

In considering white lies, to do or not to do, there are two basic guideposts we can use whenever we are not sure of how much of what we think should actually be shared. One is the golden rule, a guidepost for every action in relationships and the other is Love. Love is our guide whenever we are uncertain.

I am most comfortable knowing that my dear ones tell me the full truth. That way there is never a build up of half-truth or resentment from not saying what you really feel. I am happy to hear what others see and hear. I am even happier when these sharings are done with kindness and generosity of spirit, always assuming the best of each of us.

This morning, three crows were cawing furiously outside.

I asked what they were shouting about

but they said I wouldn’t understand.  Phil Mayes

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we write about spreading peace in all relationships. Here are some great links reinforcing the idea.

Love And Making Relationships Work “On the fifteenth anniversary of 9/11, I had a discussion on my radio program with Austin yoga teacher, Jonathan Troen, about the anxiety and anger all around us that was palpable on that day, as well as throughout this election cycle. “Peacefulness starts from inside of us and then spreads. It’s contagious, just like anxiety,” said Troen. The solution, he told us, is to find a way to create tranquility within ourselves, such as through practices like meditation, yoga, or Tai-chi, in order to create peacefulness in the world. Coming from a place of stillness within helps us to make better decisions about how to overcome any obstacles in our environment and our interactions.”

15 Simple Ways to Spread Happiness and Kindness Around You “A very simple way to spread more happiness in your own little world is through kindness. It’s often an easy and quick thing you can do as you move through your daily life. But we sometimes forget about it. Or don’t remember how it can help us all. Three things that I like to keep in mind and that help me to try to be a kinder person are these:”

4 Ways to Spread Peace in Your World “No matter how comfortable our lives might be materially, we can still suffer internally, unhappily living out our lives depending on the tide of our circumstances. Peace and happiness isn’t about having everything we want, but being deeply moved by the gratitude for being able to experience life. One of the best ways to spread peace in the world is to recognize your own capacity to bring peace into the little things you do every day. For, as Annie Dillard so beautifully says, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.””

You Can Spread Peace in All Relationships

MAUDE: We write about successful relationships from our own experience and from our talks and interviews with other happy couples. At the same time we feel the practices that we share can be applied to all relationships and that this is a path toward spreading peace in the world.

This is not something that happens overnight, and certainly it is more challenging with strangers and those who we have trouble identifying with. Nevertheless, we believe it is the way forward, and the best starting point is our closest relationships: partnerships, friendships, extended family.

In looking back at our lives, we realize that we have always moved in this direction. We were both active in seeking out, participating in and creating intentional communities. These were experiments in living in harmony with those who were not related to us by birth, but with whom we sought familial relationships. The goal was to find ways to support each other’s growth and by living and working together to find ways to get along peacefully and help each of the individuals prosper. Similar basic principles were applied as the ones we talk about.

What are some of these principles?

Getting to Truly Know Ourselves – knowing and accepting others for who they are, and needing to become comfortable with ourselves and our values
Looking for Commonality in Core Values – finding the basic tenets we wish to live by and understanding the similarity of values we share
Total Acceptance of the Other Person – honoring that each of us is unique and that we can share the same values but express them completely differently
Supporting Each Person to Find and Express Their Individuality – honoring each personality and celebrating our differences as an enrichment rather than a challenge
Looking for and Experiencing Mutuality – learning to co-create new realities together; to find solutions and solve problems and apparent differences by producing something new that comes from the working union with each other

By understanding and implementing these methods of being with each other we can have a profound influence on the world. Each time we create and maintain a relationship with another that furthers growth and peace for that person, it supports them to actualize their unique potential and adds something to the world that was not there before, something that cannot be there without that person’s unique contribution. This is how we can spread peace one relationship at a time.

What we share can be applied to all relationships and is a path toward spreading peace in the world
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PHIL: We usually write about personal relationships, but the style we suggest also applies to all other relationships, from friends and family right down to people you’ll never meet again like the Denny’s waitress on your cross-country trip.

We work so well together because we accept each other completely. The goal is to carry that principle out into the world.

We all think of ourselves as individual, making our own choices in life, but the truth is that we conform to fit in with others’ expectations more than we are aware of. Fashion only exists because people make an effort to dress like others. There are many psychology experiments that confirm this effect. People like music more when told it is popular. We go to work and save for retirement and recycle and get tattoos and drink lattes because other people do. We do these things because we want to fit in, to be accepted.

At the same time we find our identity in expressing our individuality and being different. We choose our own tattoo and order a custom license plate. This is the source of creativity, and what allows a Stravinsky or Warhol to emerge.

But now look at it from the other way round. How we behave in the world affects other people, so act in the world by accepting other people, and you will brighten their life. They will feel heard and seen, they will feel a connection. By practicing this behavior in the world, you will encourage others to act the same way.

It’s not as simple as that, of course. There will be behaviors you can’t accept at all: stealing, cheating, fraud, whatever, and the answer is to accept the person but not the behavior, or as the expression goes, “Love the sinner.” It’s a challenge, but fortunately only in a few cases.

To go out into the world spreading acceptance and love is the way toward the more peaceful planet we believe is possible.

“There is no single, simple key to this peace—no grand or magic formula to be adopted by one or two powers. Genuine peace must be the product of many nations, the sum of many acts. It must be dynamic, not static, changing to meet the challenge of each new generation. For peace is a process—a way of solving problems.” John F. Kennedy

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, Phil writes about optimism in life and relationships. Here are some links that are clear about the benefits of an optimistic outlook.

The Benefits of Looking on the Bright Side: 10 Reasons to Think Like an Optimist “Having a cheery disposition can influence more than just your mood. “People who are optimistic are more committed to their goals, are more successful in achieving their goals, are more satisfied with their lives, and have better mental and physical health when compared to more pessimistic people,” says Suzanne Segerstrom, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. Research shows that people tend to be optimistic by nature, but what if you’re naturally more of an Eeyore?”

How Hope and Optimism Affects Romantic Relationships “What role do hope and optimism play in romantic relationships? What happens when hope fluctuates or when one partner is more optimistic than the other? The work of Eshkol Rafaeli, the professor of psychology at Bar-Ilan University, looks deeper at how hope works for couples, especially as they have their first child.”

Matchmaking Tips: How Optimism can Improve your Relationship “For years, relationship gurus, psychologists and matchmakers have recommended more optimism in relationships. Couples who proactively practice an optimistic attitude are happier, more willing to try new things, and not afraid of what the future holds. Thinking on the bright side might seem impossible, especially if one or both of you are not optimistic by nature. Don’t worry! Our matchmakers have compiled a guide to help you harness the power of optimism and bring it into your budding relationship.”

Optimism Makes Your Life Better

I think optimism is an essential part of a happy life and a happy relationship, and I want to share several aspects of my past to illustrate why.

When I was younger I trashed several good relationships by repeatedly being dissatisfied, leaving, feeling alone to the point of physical pain, getting back together and then repeating the cycle. (I’ve since apologized.) The part of this story that’s relevant is my dissatisfaction. They weren’t smart enough or as beautiful as other women on the street. They didn’t dress stylishly; they were irrational; they spent time drinking tea in the kitchen instead of coming to bed.

Another way I used to behave is that I was intentionally pessimistic about a specific outcome so that I wouldn’t be disappointed if it failed, but would have a pleasant surprise if it succeeded. I avoided thinking optimistically about the result so if it didn’t come to pass, I wouldn’t feel that something that was rightfully mine had been stolen away.

I approach life differently now. I wish I could describe some huge epiphany, but no; it changed around me the way today’s pre-dawn sun is making the lamp-light unnecessary. Yet I don’t think we change smoothly like a Newtonian integral; I think growth is a series of smaller epiphanies that go to make up the steps on a staircase.

I can point to a couple of events that feel relevant to this journey. The first was an earlier, fairly brief, marriage. No need to dissect it here other than to say it ended with a long, drawn-out conclusion that faintly echoed my earlier cycles of regret. The point (though it took me a long time to see it) is that I was committed to the relationship. It was a marriage, after all. It wasn’t an epiphany as such, but it was a statement of trust, of optimism about the future.

Optimism is an essential part of a happy life and a happy relationship #relationships #quote #dating
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A second event was a true epiphany. My father died in the war before I was born, and my mother’s grief suffused my whole childhood, even through her second marriage. It wasn’t until after she visited his grave in France many years later that she was able to move on and enter a third and happy marriage.

Early in my relationship with Maude, I was telling the story of how my mother’s grief had buried itself deep within me, and Maude said that such intense grief showed how great a love they had had.

I remember exactly the moment. The room we were in. That we were lying near the edge of the bed, fully dressed. That it was late afternoon light. It transformed my view of pain, of love, of risk.

And so I have journeyed from grief to joy, and now believe that we make our own world by how we choose to see it. If we see bad things to avoid, our path through life is a dystopian trail of perils, but if we look for good things, we can reach out for them and often triumph. The journey is entirely different as a result.

P.S. It’s not about relationships, but one of my favorite quotes is “Optimism is a political act.” Alex Steffen.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week’s blog discusses acceptance, compromise and active listening, so we’re offering some links with views on all three topics.

Is ‘Radical Acceptance’ the Key to a Lasting Relationship? “I believe radical acceptance is the key to making a relationship not only work — but thrive. It’s been the key to making my relationship with Sanjay incredibly deep and rewarding. So, what is radical acceptance? Radical acceptance means loving someone fully for who he or she really is — flaws, short-comings, weaknesses, warts, and all. It signifies loving someone without judgment. It is love filled with empathy and compassion.”

11 Ways That Active Listening Can Help Your Relationships “When you listen correctly, you also learn more…. Some individuals put on a blank stare that can only be described as their “screen-saver face” (in the words of one of my colleagues). You know what that screen-saver face looks like: it’s that blank stare in which the eyes are dull and looking blankly into nowhere and the face has absolutely no expression on it at all.”

The Hidden Cost of Too Much Compromise in Your Relationship “Who hasn’t heard about the importance of compromise in a relationship? But how often do we hear about the price that is paid for that compromise? In a relationship of significance, most people do things that are accommodating. But what happens when that behavior becomes passive behavior and is over-accommodating? What happens when you deny, suppress or repress a meaningful portion of yourself?”

How to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationship

Last week we blogged about active listening. This week we would like to share from our book, How Two: Have a Successful Relationship,  which includes a conversation on acceptance, active listening and compromise.

Acceptance Does Not Mean Compromise

Often when people think about the issue of acceptance, they think it is about compromise. Compromise is the act of giving up something to get something else. It assumes that there are different sides, and that one must settle in order to avoid conflict. It does not allow for the possibility that a resolution can be found, a resolution where, instead of giving up or changing something, you can create a solution that was not originally imaginable to either person. Without putting down compromise or its benefits, we are discussing a different path – one that is not about giving up on some part of yourself, your wants and perhaps even needs, but rather a path that, by acting in union, allows you to find new mutual solutions.

A Conversation

Maude: We’ve often talked about the fact that we don’t see acceptance the same as the word compromise. While not really putting down compromise.

Phil: Yeah, the peculiar thing is that we seem to have found a way to agreement without either of us having to compromise, and it’s a very mysterious process because neither of us compromise at all and yet we reach somewhere that works for both of us.

Maude: In order for that to happen, the place we reach is different from the place that either of us started at, and there is a feeling of having gotten exactly what we want. There’s no feeling of having given something up.

Phil: Right, right. One of the requirements for that to happen is that I must be open to a series of outcomes; in other words, I am not locked into my initial idea of what I want or how it should be. It’s a question of not being attached to that and accepting other possibilities; no, not accepting, but looking at what other possibilities work and looking at why am I attached to my current position and what’s the core energy behind it, and how could that be fulfilled in some other way in the world.

Maude: It’s also important that you know that the other person really wants to hear how you feel – what is important to you – and that they’re open to incorporating that into their own experience. Not changing their view to yours, but being open to finding something that incorporates yours and theirs.

Phil: Yes, and part of that process is active listening. That’s the experience of paying attention to the other person and listening to what they say, instead of getting busy with your own thoughts or working out what your response is going to be. Active listening is the experience of really hearing the other person.

Maude: And by hearing them, by actually being there, being available to hear, not being busy somewhere else, like in your head, waiting until you can talk yourself or holding onto an idea that you want to say as soon as there’s a space – you can be fully there, wanting to hear.

Phil: I think that when I’m really listening, I hear two things. Firstly, I hear an alternative possibility: oh, we could see this movie instead of that; we could go at 4:30 instead of 7; we could put them to the left of the garden path. Those are trivial examples, but the same idea applies to deeper issues. Whatever is being offered is another possibility for me to look at and think “Hmm, how does that feel compared to this?” And the other thing that I get by really listening to you is to hear where you’re at, and to respond to that.

Maude: I don’t want to put compromise down, but the image that I have of it is that it’s not dynamic. Each person is sitting with what they feel they have – this is how it is – and they both want to find some solution that they can be comfortable with, but each of them has already finished observing the issue; they have a finished product. It’s like you’re in this little box, you’ve decided this is how it is for you, and any part of change is about compromises, like giving something up to make the other person feel better, or to come to a conclusion, but it’s not about having an experience of something new, of creating together.

Phil: Right, and maybe there’s an implicit or explicit belief that the position that you have is the best of all possible positions.

Maude: It’s frozen, it stays like that, you have your position, there’s nothing more to be said in relation to that that might turn out to be something else entirely.

Phil: When you think about it, it’s actually quite a conceit to think that you have found the very best of all possibilities.

Maude: Mmm. Well, you’re selling yourself very short by doing that, because you think that nothing can ever get better, or different in a way that’s going to add something. You think anything different is going to take something away.

You can find this and much more in our book How Two: Have a Successful Relationship, available in print and eBook (audio coming soon).

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote on what active listening can do for your relationship; here are some articles that help with understanding what is involved.

Deep Listening in Personal Relationships “One study conducted by Faye Doell (2003) showed that there are two different types of listening: “listening to understand” and “listening to respond.” Those who “listen to understand” have greater satisfaction in their interpersonal relationships than others. While people may think they might be listening to understand, what they’re really doing is waiting to respond.”

Practicing Active Listening Can Improve Your Relationship “In this article, I am going to highlight what active listening entails. If you find yourself thinking you and your partner have communication problems, and aren’t quite sure about how to fix them, I want you to know that practicing active listening can greatly improve how you communicate and will ultimately help your relationship.”

Why and How Active Listening Skills Can Improve Your Relationship “One way to become a better listener is to practice something called active listening. Usually when people have a conversation, part of their minds are elsewhere. They may be distracted by something they have to do after the conversation or, instead of listening attentively, they are thinking of what to say when it’s their turn to talk, like a counterargument.”