Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 77

Why Are the 3 A’s Important in Your Relationship?

Photo by Lidya Nada on Unsplash

Recently we went away for a day and night for no reason. It was wonderful just to be together and to step outside of our daily lives. It made us more consciously aware of the peace and loving calm we derive from our relationship.

That trip was perfectly timed, as since then, we’ve been somewhat challenged in our day to day life. We’ve been worrying about friends with life-threatening illnesses; we’ve both been ailing ourselves, though we weren’t seriously ill or bedridden; we’ve had a house full of guests, and the political situation continues along its knife-edge of crisis.

We know that our burdens are not much compared with those of other people, but they still weigh us down. Yet they are so much easier to bear because of the strength we draw from our relationship, and we have been looking anew at what we get from it and how it works.

Phil has pondered why people are in relationships at all and sees three factors.

Companionship is the sense of connecting with someone else, someone who is both like us and different from us.
Sex is the sense of merging with someone and transcending your identity.
Support is the sense of strength – that two people together achieve more than two people separately, and a sense that it is not just you against the world.

It is in sex that we lose ourselves, but in companionship that we find ourselves. For us, the acceptance that we have for each other allows us to express ourselves fully and thus dive deeply, find our true feelings and stand rooted in them.

The strongest glue between people are the three A’s: to be accepted, appreciated and acknowledged
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We have shared frequently about the astonishing effect that this can have on a relationship, and there are two more factors that help: acknowledgment and appreciation.

In our latest book, How Two: Have a Successful Relationship, we close the chapter on acceptance by writing about these three A’s:

In any relationship, the strongest glue that brings union between people are the three A’s: to be accepted for who we are, to be appreciated for who we are, and to be acknowledged for who we are.

This chapter has been about the importance of acceptance, but that is not enough by itself. Appreciation is important as well. It goes beyond acceptance; it is a positive feeling about the other, a positive pleasure in aspects of the other person.

And yet, if you never communicate that, the other person has no idea; your good feelings stay locked within you. Just because you see it doesn’t mean that your partner telepathically knows it. When you acknowledge the good things in your partner, they feel seen and appreciated. Say it in words and show it in actions.

Through the last couple of weeks we have been sustained by this place of peace and love that we generate together, and you, too, can find strength through acceptance, acknowledgment and appreciation.

When you are seen and appreciated by your partner it creates a center of unassailable balance and a sense of freedom from the vicissitudes of life that is quite astounding.

When your partner relates to that part of you we will call your “higher self” for these purposes, it supports you in being that highest part, it calls forth your best. When you both truly see each other this way and relate to each other with eyes that see the best of the other, it becomes a powerful springboard to reach your potential, to be your best.

When you are not having to dodge boulders in your stream thrown in by your partner, you will feel the serenity of the stream’s flow, and this calm will carry you through many of life’s twists and turns.

Again, you may feel this is all oversimplified, as we are all so used to thinking that much can only be attained through struggle and hardship. Yes, we all go through many challenges and many decisions along our path. When our relationship supports us rather than chips away at us, we can sit more easily in our center and use this to face each situation with love, spreading peace one relationship at a time.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we wrote about why you need to be present in your relationship. Here are some articles about aspects of presence.

Mind Your Presence, It Matters “I think that most people—whatever their preferences or principles might be—can get behind the notion that the world would benefit from more peace and understanding. But regardless of how monumental it might seem to accomplish that, it starts in small and simple ways. It starts with you and me, right here and now. … I invite you to consider how you can begin to get intentional about the way you show up in the interpersonal encounters of your daily life.”

6 Ways to Bring More Presence and Connection to Your Relationships “When was the last time you looked into the eyes of a stranger such as a guy taking your order or the woman at the checkout and really acknowledged their presence? Actually, when was the last time you looked into the eyes of your partner or your children for a prolonged stretch of time? In our hectic lives, we are always so busy trying to accomplish one thing or another, that it’s easy to become distracted and disconnected from the people around us. Here are my 6 top tips on how to bring more presence and connection into our everyday encounters with people.”

Your Brain, Mindful Presence and Five Practices to Energize Your Relationship, 2 of 2 “You want happiness? The best option is to grow your ability to empathically connect to your self and partner, in present moments of awareness. It’s a way of knowing, understand your self, and life around you that is connected to your compassion, and that allows you to best understand and empathically connect to your partner.”

Why You Need to be Present in Your Relationship

What makes humans different from all other species is our forebrain. It allows us to think, analyze, plan and work with language. We have used it to gain unprecedented control of the natural world. But it is only the latest of a huge number of skills. Notice your tongue next time you eat a mouthful of food. It skillfully moves the food between your molars so you can chew it, and it all happens without any effort on your part. It is similar for digestion, walking, breathing; these are skills developed over billions of years.

Sometimes our thinking skills are superior, like knowing that too much sugar is bad for us, or that there aren’t really monsters under the bed, but we shouldn’t dismiss the wisdom of our evolutionary past.

This wisdom appears to us in a different form from the understanding of the forebrain. It appears as intuitions, hunches, knowings, fears. It does not use language. The great challenges for us are to silence the words enough to hear these messages and to distinguish the real ones from the monsters under the bed.

This, then, is the art of being present.

We tend to think of the present as being just one frame in the film of life, to be immediately replaced by the next frame from the reel, or these days, from the digital stream. But it is a mistake to give all these frames equal validity. The past and future frames do not exist except as ideas within our head of how the world has been and will be. They are shadows of the real world.

So to be present, put your attention on what actually is, rather than the ghostly past or future. You find it through your senses and your intuitions. It exists, but there are no words for it. It is timeless; the present never ends.

This isn’t a call to space out and avoid the practicalities of life. Be here now except when you need to take care of things, and even then, take care of them in the present.

To be present, put your attention on what actually is, rather than the ghostly past or future #quote
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A primary key to a peaceful successful relationship is being together in presence. When you feel totally accepted, you are able to let down the barriers that keep you apart. The feeling of being heard, and of being acknowledged for who you are and what you do is very calming and supportive. It leads to a different kind of behavior and gives your relationship a totally different strength and quality.

When you approach your relationship with presence, when you relate to each other as loved ones, as family and as friends with whom you do not need to defend yourself, you are offering your whole self. Stepping into a space where you are fully with your partner makes a palpable difference. It is what we call a sacred space.

This space is filled with reverence and heightened awareness. In this state you approach each other with an open, empty mind. You are not full of your worries and fears. You are not busy in your head with what has occurred or what might occur.

You are available in a completely different way than when you are running about taking care of things or being driven by things that are only occurring in your mind. Even in the midst of a busy day, you can step into this space with your partner. It does not have to be a long period of time to achieve the goal. Short moments filled with this kind of shared presence last much longer than the time they fill.

Setting aside longer periods of time in which you work and play together in the full sharing of who you both are will bring a deepening enrichment of your relationship. The practice of presence creates a shift in life which can only be known by experience.

Gratefulness and appreciation are acts that bring us into the present. They bring awareness of what is, instead of preoccupation with what was or might be. And the present is always a magical unexplored place. It is unique and therefore fascinating. Enter this space with your partner and you will share the deepest level of being together. In this place it does not matter what is happening. What is delicious is that you are together sharing all of who you are.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog we asked if you believe in a peaceful relationship. Here are some articles about belief and intention.

The Four Qualities of a Conscious Relationship “So what exactly is a conscious relationship? It’s a romantic relationship in which both partners feel committed to a sense of purpose, and that purpose is growth. Individual growth. Collective growth as a couple. Growth that makes the world a better place. … When two people come together with the intention of growth, the relationship strives towards something much greater than gratification. The partnership becomes a journey of evolution, and the two individuals have an opportunity to expand more than they could alone. Deep satisfaction and long-term fulfillment arise as a result.”

What People in Healthy Relationships Do “What matters in a relationship is the intention that each person brings to the table. Do you want to keep getting better at things, or do you expect the other person to keep getting better? Do you see difficulties as opportunities to learn more about others and yourself?”

3 Ways Your Beliefs Can Shape Your Reality “While the claim that beliefs single-handedly determine our physical health, financial status, and chances at finding love is clearly misguided, the idea that beliefs have power does have some scientific validity. It just works a little differently than books like The Secret suggest. Here are three ways that beliefs really can shape your reality.”

Do You Believe in a Peaceful Relationship?

Photo by Genta Mochizawa on Unsplash

PHIL: Many years ago I visited a Southern Texas city with a friend for – oh, the reason doesn’t matter. We went to a museum in the afternoon to beat the heat and came out in the early evening. The air was hot but the low sun no longer radiated heat. We walked through a small urban park where the deep-cut stone-walled paths placed the lawns at chest height. I suddenly saw, back-lit by the setting sun, the silk threads from hundreds of baby spiders waving in the breeze and creating a delicate shimmer above the grass.

“Look at the spiders’ webs!” I exclaimed. My companion couldn’t see anything.

“No, look; see all those gossamer threads,” I repeated. Again she could not see them.

I insisted, and then suddenly she saw them, plain as day, waving in front of her eyes.

° ° ° ° °

I tell this story because Maude and I point to a different way of relating, one that has no conflict, and yet people can’t see it. They say “Oh, you two are just lucky” or “Surely you argue on occasion.” No, we don’t. It is a qualitatively different way of relating, and it surprised us as much as it might surprise you.

° ° ° ° °

There are a couple of prerequisites for it to be so.

Your core values have to align. If not, unresolvable arguments lie beneath the surface, emerging twice a week or twice a year, each one energized by the failures of all the previous ones. I don’t want to name your core values for you; different people have different core values, as clearly illustrated by the intractable political divide in America, but you have them, even if you can’t articulate them.
You have to be committed to the relationship. Take that how you will. As someone who has been accused of lack of commitment numerous times, I am an expert. Being committed is a bodily state much more than it is a mental intention. Without it, you have a constant sense that you are in the wrong place in life. If you’re comparing your partner to other people or imagining life without them, the following steps will be much harder.

° ° ° ° °

With those in place, the key aspects of a harmonious relationship are acceptance and individuality. We’ve written extensively about them elsewhere so I’ll just say that they involve fully accepting your partner in whatever they do and however they are. You can appreciate difference as variety not as a threat. To do this requires a certain level of self-knowledge – of awareness that you are not the events that happen to you. Fortunately, life, and especially your relationship, offer numerous opportunities for you to practice this.

° ° ° ° °

So Maude and I have this interesting problem. We have this wonderful, peaceful relationship. We’ve talked to other people who have the same knowledge and ability as us, and we know that it is potentially available to nearly everyone. BUT we have the spiders’ thread problem. How do we get people to see it, trust it and live it? We call this the belief and intention problem.

° ° ° ° °

We share our great relationship so you’ll know such a thing can exist #relationships #marriage
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MAUDE: Belief and intention is indeed the starting point to manifest the kind of togetherness that we are sharing.

When we describe our experiences, we do so for a reason, and it’s not to say that whatever you are struggling with, we don’t have that problem, nor is it just to wave our great relationship in your face!

We share our experiences so that you will know, if you don’t already, that it is possible to have such a relationship; so that you will know it really can and does exist. Once you know it exists, it is possible to have belief, and from belief to move into intention.

One of the primary things necessary to have this experience is to believe it is possible. An obstacle to this is the belief that conflict is inevitable within a relationship. This myth has become so insidiously inculcated in today’s culture that most people take it as a normal part of relating. In fact, many relationship experts extol the virtues of arguing and conflict, and praise all the good that will come of embracing and working through these problems.

“Nonsense!” we say to all of this. Open your minds and your hearts to another way. We are living proof that it is possible to love without hardship and difficulty. You do not always have to struggle and work in order for your relationship to be full of calm, ease, and at the same time, juicy passion. How Two: Have a Successful Relationship

Some excerpts from our blogs on belief:

With our process, we seek for mutual solutions. We are firm in our knowledge that we are on the same side. We always want the best for each other and know that our mate feels the same way. No desire, or projection of need, or fixed concept of what we want ever comes before this primary understanding. The Importance of Belief and Intention in Relationships Part I: Maude

And intention:

Imagine that we know about a wonderful but obscure State Park. If you haven’t heard of its existence, you won’t go and visit it. But even when you do know about the park, you have to make the effort to get there. And so it is with relationships; even when you believe good ones exist, you have to intend to have one yourself, you have to want one, you have to change what is currently not working for you. It should go without saying that your partner needs to also hold a similar belief and intention. The Importance of Belief and Intention in Relationships Part II: Phil

We offer up our experience as a support to engender your belief in what’s possible and to encourage your intention to create it in your relationship.

We can all achieve our own versions of relationships that support and promote peace and love. We encourage you to find yours!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we discussed how to deal with change in your relationship. Here are some articles about this from different perspectives.

How to Get Better at Dealing with Change “Change is an unavoidable constant in our work lives. Sometimes it’s within our control, but most often it’s not. Our jobs or roles change — and not always for the better. Our organizations undergo reorgs and revamp their strategies, and we need to adjust. Fortunately, there are ways to adapt to change, and even to take advantage of it.”

How to Deal with Changes in Your Relationship “Relationships naturally endure many changes, whether it’s moving, starting a new job, spending time apart, getting married, or having children. While some changes can be difficult, there’s no need to see change as a bad thing. By being adaptive and communicating regularly, you and your partner can endure changes in your relationship.”

Change in Relationships: What to Do When Your Partner Changes “Your once sort of neat partner becomes a sloppy mess. Or they start spending more time on the golf course. Or worse, when you first met they wanted to have children, but now say they’re not interested. What do you do when your partner changes in small or big ways?”

How to Deal With Change in Your Relationship

Most of us have found ways to deal with change, but, and it’s a big but, we don’t tend to greet it with open arms. How can we embrace it, especially when it affects our day to day relating?

Recently Maude switched her work and went from working outside the home one-on-one with clients and lots of administrative work when home, to a self-run business that operates online and can be done any time, leaving the scheduling of time pretty much open to choice.

It was obvious to both of us that this was going to create the potential for new ways of being together and different ways to share our time.

We wondered if both being in the house most of the time was going to be a problem, or cause any strangeness for either of us. Phil was used to being alone in the house most of the time, and Maude was used to being on the go and pretty filled up with work even when home. As with many things, it turned out to not even be a bump in the path.

How can you embrace change in your relationship? #relationships #marriage #dating
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We have a way of flowing around things together that seems to absorb these potential hazards and leads us to a natural balance with which we are both comfortable. We are both so supported by each other to find and explore our interests, and so accepted as separate individuals, that we moved quite naturally into this change in routine and before very long, it seemed as though it had always been this way.

Each of us began to balance the time to accomplish our new individual activities and to adjust to a new way of being in our shared space. There wasn’t a lot of talking necessary to work this out. We just continued to function as we always do together, with total acceptance and respect for the other as an individual.

That was one side of the change that reflected concerns about potential discomforts – ones that never really came to pass. There is, however, another side, one which we are just beginning to explore. This involves the exciting but somewhat daunting possibility of restructuring our time together and incorporating new possibilities. This is not something that will just happen on its own, and it calls for both of us to think about it individually, and then communicate with each other and plan how to put these intentions into actions.

We aren’t very practiced at this since it’s been so long since we were in a situation where we could consider big alterations. It’s even taken a while to realize that we are at a place where we can intentionally alter our patterns. This is a perfect place to apply Our Process, where we co-create new answers that grow out of our sharing with each other.

We are getting excited about the potential for new ways to spend our time together and change is not looking so foreign. It’s arrived here in the present and not in the imagined future, so it has become much easier to face and work with creatively. Like anything else, when we deal in the present, everything becomes simpler and clearer.

“The disappointments hardest to bear are those which never come.” The Urantia Book

That’s where we are at lately. What have you been up to in your relationships? All of us face life changes that we need to work out together in our relationship, like changing jobs, having to move, needing to take on an elderly parent’s care, changed sexual appetites, losses of various kinds, changes in financial situations, children growing up and leaving, children moving back in, to name a few. What have you been dealing with lately and how are you handling those changes?

We hope you will try using some of the tips we share for finding mutual solutions. Be present with each other, listen actively to each other and always come from love. Remember, you are on the same side and there is a solution that is better than what either one of you can come up with alone. Co-create it together!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we discussed the best way to support your partner. Here are some other writers’ thoughts about this.

5 Essentials to Having a Healthy Relationship “Everyone deserves to be in a healthy, loving relationship and with the right person by your side, a healthy relationship is completely attainable. If you want to be that #relationshipgoals couple, here are 5 essentials for having a healthy relationship.”

What It Really Means to Have a Supportive Partner “Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you felt supported? When was the last time you felt safe, at home, encouraged, and able to be 100 percent yourself? If your partner creates a safe space for you to do this, then you are truly blessed. If not, have you ever wondered why you don’t feel safe, supported, and loved? … I didn’t need someone who would wallow in self-pity and negativity with me, as previous partners of mine had done. I needed someone who would inspire me to be the best person I could be and show me that if I picked myself up, everything would work out just fine.”

Want a Better Relationship? Ask Your Partner This Question “‘How are you feeling?’ In eight years of marriage, it was the question Sunshine Spoils Milk blogger Kimberly Zapata never thought to ask her husband. The duo had been together since they were high school sweethearts clutching hands in the hallway. Then one day, in their early 30s, they found themselves sitting across from a marriage counselor. Zapata was convinced the marriage was over.”

The Best Way to Support Your Partner

What are we to make of Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, the two mysterious characters who appear at critical junctures in “The Water-Babies” by Charles Kingsley? They are symbols of how we respond to other people. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid is about karma. If what you did was bad, it’s about retribution, punishment, vengeance. It looks to the past for what happens today. It is a cause and effect model; you have no choice in the matter.

Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby is the opposite of all of these. It places agency and responsibility in your hands. It is about what happens now and in the future. It is about free will. It ignores the past, and by so doing, implies a letting go of grievances.

So how do these two come into play in a partnership? You can be reactive to your partner or you can look to the future. Which sounds healthier to you?

So think what you would like in a relationship. Imagine being supported without being controlled. Imagine that support being freely given without obligation. Imagine making your own choices without having to explain yourself. Imagine being able to feel vulnerable and weak and have that be accepted.

Now offer all that to your partner.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and
Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby

How can you support your partner to best express their full potential and to actualize it? #quote
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What are some of the bigger principles of peaceful relating? What is the true meaning of being together in this way? What possibilities does this create?

When a relationship has as its basis total acceptance and an understanding that each person is totally unique, it creates a very specific type of being together and creates a different kind of energy than when partners are pushing or pulling at each other to change, or to become more like each other.

When you are fully accepted and when the differences between you and your partner are celebrated as an enrichment rather than being seen as a threat or obstacle to be overcome, the level of relaxation and empowerment that happens is exponential.

Living with this kind of assurance and freedom is a mighty force to support your explorations of who you are and what you have to offer. This way of relating provides a great opportunity to apply the golden rule in its highest context to your relationship. The question becomes “How can I support my partner to best express their full potential and to actualize it?”

When this is the thrust of your intention in relating, the whole tenor changes. You are not busy with yourself in your exchanges with your partner. You will be able to listen carefully to what is being communicated so you can ascertain how to be of support. This intention also calls forth presence, as it is in the present that we meet and understand our partner enough to know what kind of support and understanding will benefit them most.

When you work together in this manner, you become a strong force for good in the world. You, too, can be Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby. Won’t you join us in this exciting move toward spreading love and peace?

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we asked what do you reap when you take a leap in your relationship? Here are several different ways of looking at that question.

Conscious Relationships: A Path for Growth and Personal Transformation “A conscious relationship comprises a path for growth and personal transformation that is seen by some as a spiritual calling. The partners in a conscious relationship are committed to the radical practice of love. They are not trying to extract love, approval or security from their partner, but instead seek to behave lovingly toward each other. In conscious relationships, each partner is committed to their own growth and to the growth of their partner over and above maintaining the relationship, per se.”

Use Positive Psychology to Transform Your Relationship in Four Steps “Everlasting love can be more than just something you see in Disney movies – if you master four habits from the field of positive psychology. That’s according to a husband and wife team who’ve spent the last decade researching positive psychology and working on a book trying to distil the secrets to relationship success into bite-size rules. “Promoting a healthy (rather than an obsessive) passion, cultivating and prioritising positive emotions, taking time to mindfully savour experiences together, and seeking out strengths in one another.””

To love is to nurture: The secret to real relationship transformation “Stop saying ‘I love you.’ And start saying, ‘I will nurture you.’ Shocking right? Yet when you give this one a try; the results will speak for themselves. From the first session I invite couples to lay down the word ‘love’ and instead use the word ‘nurture’. When we say we want someone to love us, we actually mean we want someone to nurture us.”