Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 72

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to be present in your life and relationship. Here are some interesting perspectives on presence.

Freedom Is Being Present “We live two lives: we live life in our thoughts and we live life as our experience of the present moment. Freedom comes as our life in thoughts diminishes and our experience of the present moment predominates. Freedom comes through learning how to balance thoughts and the present moment. We developed the ability to think abstractly only about 70,000 – 95,000 years ago. Apparently the part of life we live ‘in our head’ today simply did not exist before that time, and instead human life was solely a series of immediate experiences, like the lives of other creatures.”

Mindfulness in relationships “For many of us our ideas of love and relationships are formed from a young age, what we observe in our environment; namely our parents or guardians, to when we mature and begin to read novels and catch a glimpse of The Notebook. We see people around us talk about their feelings, emotions, hope and dreams and we start to dream that maybe some day we too might experience something similar. Our ideas mix with our delusions and get stirred by our beliefs to concoct a recipe of an ideal relationship with an ideal partner. An idea many of us again, rarely shake.”

How Mindfulness Can Save Your Relationship “Mindfulness practice doesn’t just enhance our individual well-being. In fact, it’s now being shown to have a positive impact on interpersonal relationships. A 2004 University of North Carolina study of ‘relative happy, nondistressed couples’ showed that couples who practiced mindfulness saw improvements to their ‘relationship happiness.’ In addition, they experienced healthier levels of ‘relationship stress, stress coping efficacy, and overall stress.'”

How to Be Present in Your Life and Relationship

Many people, both famous and obscure, have written about having an enlightenment experience. In describing this, being present is always mentioned, so it is easy to infer that it too requires some great epiphany.

Yet being present is not that inaccessible, and to see why, it helps to look at its contrasts, the past and the future. Even primitive species incorporate these. Learning what plants are bitter or what insects are dangerous incorporates the past as memory. Catching prey by anticipating its path is to model the future.

With the advent of the fore-brain and language, our mental models of the past and the future have allowed us unprecedented control over the natural world, and our thoughts operate like an additional sense about the world, one that sometimes disagrees with our existing senses. No, the sun does not move across the sky. No, lead pipes are not a good plumbing choice.

These dual and frequently dueling perceptions are why we are so often conflicted. Our fore-brains speak to us in one language, while our older animal intuitions, incorporating millennia of experience, speak to us in a completely different language, that of the body and the senses. Being present simply means listening to that language as well.

It’s impossible to shut the fore-brain up entirely. Instead, realize that there are two conversations going on simultaneously, and just like at a party, you can choose which conversation to listen to.

You can experience being present by paying attention to your senses as well as your thoughts #quote
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Being present with someone means giving them your full attention; not just their words, but their tone of voice, their stance, their hesitations and where they look and how they fidget. Remember, these cues are non-verbal, you are absorbing holistic information –don’t try to break it down with your thought mind. Sure, you can find words to categorize them and pass them to your fore-brain, but this is a different form of knowledge, just as hearing a bird and seeing a bird are two different things.

We often cannot see what is in front of our eyes until it is pointed out. The message of our senses exists but is usually drowned out by our brain loudly giving its opinion. Learn to distinguish the two voices and use them both. When you pay attention in this way, you are not formulating a response to what the person is saying, you are not passing judgments on them, you are potentially ego-less. You are there with your full self, absorbing all that you can of the other.

When you give your full attention to someone, they feel heard and seen, and they will offer more of themselves; they feel less defensive, more accepted and they most often share more intimacy. This pulls you both into the present and creates the possibility of an adventure, of something creative and new, something that exists only in the present.

When you can take this level of attention into the world, whether it be to nature, your coffee shop, or your relationship, there is the possibility of slipping the bonds of ego, of escaping your identity, of being, even if only for a moment, a part of that landscape. In that very real sense, you are being here now.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to find strength from your relationship. Here is a wonderful article from our dear friend Gail Brenner and a couple more articles with great advice on relationships.

10 Ways to Have Peaceful, Loving Relationships “I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspicious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also been honest. Being self aware, in my opinion, is far more valuable than being perfect—mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.”

The Secret to Peaceful Relationships “The dictionary defines an expectation as “the act of regarding as likely to happen” and “anticipating the occurrence or the coming of.” An expectation is essentially an imagining about the future, a theoretical pseudo-reality that is created by thoughts in the mind. It is a thought that, when taken as real and true, leads us to assume that a given occurrence will happen. When seen for what it really is, it is merely a thought that has nothing to do with what may or may not happen. I may expect my friend to attend the concert, but this expectation is irrelevant to what she actually does. And believing that she “should” attend the concert when she decides not to only sets me up for an unpleasant emotional reaction.”

13 Steps to Better Relationships…And Peace of Mind “Sometimes you need to know that you have good people at your back when things go awry in your life. Good relationships can bring peace of mind, not to mention longer life, companionship, health, happiness, and a host of other benefits. At bottom, we are social creatures who need each other. Even meditating monks do it—congregate in communities, that is.”

How to Find Strength From Your Relationship

In these strange and divisive times, it behooves us to take a real look at all that is good, beautiful and loving in our lives, and to take comfort and joy from those things. The fabric of our intimate relationships can be a powerful force for peace and unity if we treat it consciously as a source of renewal and solace.

People so often forget or take these very relationships for granted, and no longer draw on them for peaceful energy. In fact, when under tension, it is too often the tendency to act out with the very people one feels safest with.

We want to not only remind each of you of this source within all your relationships, but to draw your attention to the many possibilities to celebrate those relationships. Be present with your loved ones and recall for each other how special they are. In this way, your relationships will become a source of spreading peace and love.

We are aware and appreciative of our own relationship and have many ways to show each other how we feel, from little daily acknowledgments to full-blown celebrations.

The fabric of our intimate relationships can be a powerful force for peace and unity #quote
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One thing we have done from the beginning of our relationship is to give cards to each other. We do this not just for holiday celebrations, but also any time we feel like expressing love to each other. We often proclaim our feelings, honoring each other and our togetherness.

Last night, we shared one of our favorite rituals. We don’t do it too often, but we do it consistently. We take out a bunch of those cards and read them alternately to each other. This is always a profound experience. We are reminded poignantly of what it is that makes up the fabric of our togetherness. There is a sweetness and a closeness that ensues that is incomparable in its depth. We usually wind up sharing and professing the rare and beautiful way we are matched with each other. It renews our spirits and our closeness deepens.

Because we have dated the cards, it stands out that even early on, we had a clear understanding of the nature of our relationship, and that more than a decade later, that understanding is unchanged. For instance, on the card that says “I love us,” Phil wrote: “And everything about us. How we are connected as soon as we meet. How we have the same politics. How sex arises between us so intensely. How we travel together. How we give each other space. How we both like cards. How is this all possible?”

It still seems impossible, yet it must be possible because that is how it is. All of those words work just as well today. We think this is because the premise of our relationship – being together and also remaining our own persons – nourishes it. Some of these are similarities we bring to the table – politics, for instance – but we agree on so many fronts as sometimes to be eerie. It’s beyond coincidence. As best as we can understand it, we do not compromise in the usual sense of the word. It is, instead, a form of non-attachment made possible by our faith in the goodness of our relationship – that our ultimate goals, to live peacefully, contain no harm.

Why are we sharing all of this? It’s not to suggest that you specifically do what we do. Yet, we do believe that finding how to do this in your own way will be a wonderful way to keep your awareness and appreciation alive and well. Find those things that brought you together and speak of them. Renew regularly the connection and what it is about. Dig down deep if you must, but it is there to find and bring forth into your daily awareness.

It is an interesting phenomenon that talking and sharing about your relationship, how it was in the beginning, and what you appreciated about each other then, will help you stay in the present and will actually help to deepen your bond.

Find ways to stay aware of your connection and you will all the more easily remember that you are on the same side and why! Don’t take these things for granted or even worse, forget what they are and why you are together. If we want to spread peace and live with peace, we must stay aware and grateful in the present.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about Thanksgiving and spreading peace in the world. Here, besides an outside article, we include a couple of past blogs of ours that we think are appropriate complements to the season.

The Only Way That Works: The Golden Rule “We are all connected and part of one human family, will always win out over fear and prejudice and attempts to separate us. Remember in the darkness this shining light of truth. Growth and change are slow but steady, and this great truth will prevail. Love one another is the whole of the law! We want to share with you today some versions of the golden rule as taught by the world’s major religions:”

7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude “‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself,’ we are often told. And while it can be hard to avoid self-pity entirely, mentally strong people choose to exchange self-pity for gratitude. Whether you choose to write a few sentences in a gratitude journal, or simply take a moment to silently acknowledge all that you have, giving thanks can transform your life. Here are 7 scientifically proven benefits:”

Gratefulness Expands Your Relationship and Your World “We are so grateful for our blessed relationship and the peace and grace we experience. We are so grateful for the wonderful community of loving friends and strangers who care about each other, take care of each other, and want the best for each other!”

Thanksgiving 2018: Spreading Peace in the World

We really enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday and the chance to come together in love, peace and gratefulness. At our house, we gather with an assortment of family and friends, many of whom have never met each other before. We put aside any and all divisiveness, distance, and dislikes and celebrate our common humanity, our loves and losses, and our overwhelming gratefulness for the opportunity to relate to each other and share a meal in friendship. We acknowledge our connection to all living things and the grace that allows us to be together, facing life’s challenges with peace in our hearts.

Maude: This is a favorite holiday for me. I see it as a chance to renew and share an awareness of our connection to each other and our incredible blessings and opportunities in this life. It represents what is possible for all of us: to come together with friends, family and strangers, to get to know each other, to share our lives. There is something special about preparing a meal and eating together (we do the basics and everyone brings things to share, turning the dinner into a huge potluck).

This holiday is not commercial (we ignore those attempts and the silly Black Friday hype) and it is more about people coming together than most other official occasions. We seem more open to the idea that we are all related, and in the broader sense, all in one family.

I think celebrating together in this way also makes us more aware of those who are not so fortunate, and our connection to them. It is my firm hope that we will all find ways to be of service to all our brothers and sisters and to find ways to include more and more in our lives and hearts.

Phil: I’m from England, where there is no Thanksgiving, and I find it the most wonderful American holiday of the year. For starters, it’s relatively noncommercial, but mainly I love it for its heart, the coming together of friends and strangers, of inviting waifs and strays to the table. I’ve been the table and I’ve been the waif.

It brings out a spirit of openness and sharing that is within all of us but is not acted upon much of the year. Instead, we live in our own small private worlds. There’s nothing wrong with that – I’m coming to see that the duality of the individual and the group is a key human characteristic – a split that echoes in politics, religion and relationship.

For some people, Thanksgiving may have become a family gathering where Uncle Spleen rants about politics and Cousin Cloud is convinced of the power of crystals, but in my half a lifetime in this country, I have met only love, generosity and openness. It’s an echo from hundreds of years ago and proof of the connection and caring we all have for each other.

So, we want to let all of you know how glad we are to be connected to you and to share our work of spreading peace on this planet, one relationship at a time. Happy Thanksgiving!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to balance individuality and your relationship. Here are some other writes discussing how to be in a relationship without losing your sense of self.

Relationship Success: Balancing Togetherness and Individuality “A client of mine — during our initial consultation — said the following: ‘Here’s my issue. When I’m in a relationship, I invest so much of myself into maintaining romance and intimacy that I forget who I am as an individual. How can I balance my personal identity with my identity as a couple?'”

7 Reasons Why Independence Is The Best Way To Help Your Relationship “The most successful relationships occur when two people form a bond that allows them to grow independently by each other’s side, finding new passions and dreams while admiring and encouraging each other’s individual pursuits. Here’s why.”

Staying Compatible by Staying Yourself “What makes being in a relationship tricky is that it provides the opportunity for two completely different experiences. On the one hand, it is an opportunity for two individuals to be supported by each other’s appreciation and love for the person their partner is. Both partners are enhanced by such an association, and flourish and grow as people. On the other hand, people can go into a relationship with a fantasy that the union will assuage their insecurities, hurts and unresolved issues from their past.”

How to Balance Individuality and Your Relationship

We usually go to breakfast, choose a topic, write separately about it and then merge our writings, but sometimes, even though we are saying the same things, we phrase it so differently that it makes more sense to present them individually. That’s what happened this week.

MAUDE: It is very important to find a balance between your own individuality and cooperation within your relationship. To achieve this kind of balance, it is vital to get to know yourself and to find practices to strengthen your sense of self, to come to be comfortable with your own individuality. It is from this place of security in your own person that you can more readily achieve a sense of security within the relationship, one that does not require competition or combat to maintain.

This is similar to how you function in society in general. The less you have to defend your individuality, the more you will be able to act cooperatively, with thoughts for the welfare of others. The more you need to defend and to separate, the less a part of the whole you will be able to be.

It’s important to find a balance between your individuality & cooperation in your relationship
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In your partner relationships, this is especially true, and that is why understanding there is only one side and you are both on it, is so important. This is part of the very foundation of our relationship. If Phil and I have a disagreement, we act to find mutual solutions. We know that is what we both want. We each respect the other’s individuality completely and appreciate the diversity of expression of our shared core values. The practice of getting to know yourself and working on yourself is an ongoing adventure, and one that is required for any successful relationship.

PHIL: I’d like to pick up on what Maude said by first introducing a couple of ideas.

Cooperation

I wrote an essay recently in which cooperation is described as an essential human characteristic:

We are by nature a cooperative species because that increases efficiency. It is easier for two people to jointly carry two sofas up a flight of stairs than for each to carry one individually. In society, we work together both directly in teams and indirectly through specialization: mining iron ore, smelting it and machining it; growing wheat, milling it and baking it; spinning, weaving and making clothes; designing bridges, computers and 747s.

If you don’t believe you need other people to survive, here is a thought exercise: leave civilization and live alone in the wilderness. Don’t take anything that is the handiwork of others: no twine, no containers, no matches. Definitely no steel, no brass, no bronze; you can make those yourself. (As a special concession, take some flint knives and the clothes you are wearing.) Your very life would be at risk.

I spent a few years living in an urban commune with a dozen-odd other people, or was it a dozen other odd people? One of the things that intrigued me was the way that questions about how to organize society were reflected in the group. Are maintenance costs shared equally, or is income taken into account? Who makes these decisions? What happens when someone doesn’t pay their share? Similar parallels arose about shared cooking, food choices, cleaning standards, shared vs. private space, shared vs. private ownership, etc.

The discussion in the house, as with society, is about the balance between the individual and the group, and the same question can be asked of a relationship when it is seen as a group of two, rather than just two individuals.

Identity

The way forward with this question, whether in society, a commune or a relationship, is by looking at identity. You may think that the answer is straight-forward – everything bounded by your skin, and labeled by your picture ID, with consciousness as the hermit crab in the skull. But everything is part of something bigger: atoms are part of molecules, cells are part of muscles, and you are part of your family, your country, your sports team, your political brethren and your church.

The way to escape the bars of your individual identity is to change the question from “Who am I?” to “What am I?” This allows you to see your relationship not as a struggle of two individuals with competing interests, but as a group, a cooperative with complementary skills. This assumes that your core values are aligned, of course.

Conclusion

This has been an intellectual ride through several ideas, but the way to use this is not mental, but visceral. Close your eyes and explore what you are – your profession, your nationality, your gender, your relationship. Feel these in your body. You are more than you think.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we asked if you show love and respect in your relationship. These articles cover different aspects of this very important aspect.

The Importance Of Tone “Several weeks ago, I was editing together some video footage for a home movie and was surprised to discover how irritated, negative, and just plain mean I sounded when talking to my wife. I remember most of the interactions that were filmed but not any of the feelings I was quite clearly projecting.”

It’s not what you said, it really is how you said it, new study finds “There’s an old phrase that couples often use when something one partner says spawns an argument — ‘it’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.’ Though some may just see the phrase as an excuse, there may be some truth to it as far as marital success is concerned.”

Why ‘It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It’ May Be the Best Relationship Advice “‘It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.’ I know my husband and I have uttered this cliché phrase in multiple exchanges, and it’s become the one thing in our marriage that we strive to work on the most. Here’s why: When the content of what’s being said isn’t offensive, but the way it’s spoken is hurtful, it’s easy for an offhand comment to turn malignant. And that’s a problem.”

Do You Show Love and Respect in Your Relationship?

We were at one of our groups discussing relationships with a woman who is in a happy marriage of 53 years. She shared her thoughts that it is the seemingly simple things that make a marriage work.

She felt that often relationship success can come down to partners speaking with respect, love and kindness in their tone of voice, and that this creates an environment for loving interactions.

She asked if we have noticed how some people speak with each other, and how disrespectful, even denigrating their approach to their partner is. It was her contention that this behavior leads to many of the problems people have.

We have to agree. We have seen it too frequently. One partner will be dismissive and often critical in words and tone of voice. This seems to create a defensive posture in the partner being treated this way, and often sets up an argumentative tone in the relationship, or at the very least a passive-aggressive response in the partner.

How does this happen with partners who love each other and have chosen to be together? And even more important, how can this be changed?

It’s an odd phenomenon that we humans frequently treat the ones we love and feel safest with in the least loving manner. Too often, we see and hear of relationships where, after the heady, hallucinatory courtship period has passed and people feel committed, they feel safe enough to criticize their partner.

It is as though once we know we are loved, we can share all that is wrong or bothers us. We can let out our negative energies because we are sure of not being left. This happens frequently between parents and children, and can also come forth with mates.

We all mumble under our breath at times about how other people should behave – they need to be managed and controlled, told to pick up their litter and drive properly, keep their voices down and their kids under control.

Unfortunately, this form of thinking often leads to a change in attitude toward our loved ones as well. When we speak without honor or respect, our attention shifts, and more and more we see the negative and become critical. Without realizing it, our focus can change and that which we love recedes behind the screen of the imperfections we are looking at.

Often relationship success comes down to speaking with respect, love & kindness in your voice #quote
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Don’t let that happen

. It’s a partnership, for goodness sake, not a social correctness test requiring 100% to pass. We’re all flawed human beings.

To return to your feelings of love and regard, start listening to yourself. Are you expressing the love that you feel toward your partner? When was the last time you expressed that to them or to yourself for that matter? What is it you really feel toward them, and is it being communicated in your words and actions?

Whether you are the person who is being criticized or the one acting in this manner, the same inner listening is required. Work with yourself. Listen to yourself. When those irritations arise, use them to examine your own quirks and expectations. They are like the pains your chiropractor induces to straighten your spine. You should have learned by now that you can’t change other people, so that only leaves yourself.

Once you have truly reviewed and become aware of your own inner feelings, match them to what you are saying and doing. Do they match? Do you spend time letting your partner know all the good and beauty you see in them? Do you show your love in the way you treat them?

For most people, it feels good to express appreciation and regard to those we love. Similarly, constantly complaining and pointing out the negative fills us with bad feelings and dissatisfaction.

Honest communication done without blame, with the true intention to share with your partner what you feel and think, leads to intimacy and union. Without this, criticism and lack of kindness in word and deed lead to estrangement and distance. We all protect ourselves when we feel attacked. If your partner is to be your companion, the one always on your side, you cannot treat them as the adversary.

Make it a practice to speak your love with words of appreciation, a tone of voice of respect and an honoring of the person who is your partner. This will make you feel as good as it does them!