Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 71

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we offered gratitude, peace and love for the new year. Here are three articles on those themes that are both practical and inspiring.

Love is the Way: The Universal Path to Peace, Happiness, and Enlightenment “But the word love has been greatly overused in modern times to mean everything from romantic attachment and attraction to the way you care for your family and friends, to something you have a passion for or even just something you really like. So the rest of this post is dedicated to clarifying exactly what this means (and making it crystal clear) and showing you clearly and simply how you can begin to truly live and apply this wisdom in your everyday life.”

The 11 Step Guide to Spreading Love “See your brothers and sisters all over the world as your extended family. We all intrinsically have one ultimate goal — to live in joy, love, and peace. Some have a strange way of showing it but they may be so lost in darkness that they have forgotten what radiance looks like. It is up to you to show them the light instead of judging or criticizing their path. Love is going to be the only solution to hatred, war, and destruction, not complaints and judgments.”

12 Powerful Gratitude Practices That Bring Joy “Gratitude didn’t come naturally to me. If there had been a championship for complaining, I would have been a serious contender. For years I felt entitled to everything, including the kindness of others. This didn’t make me very happy, since it was always easy to find something or someone to complain about. The more critical I grew, the less appealing life seemed and the worse I got on with others. … If I had continued living like that, I might have ended up complaining that water was too wet and the sky too blue.”

We Offer Gratitude, Peace And Love For The New Year

Last week we shared a holiday photo of us wishing everyone Peace and Love. Now the New Year is upon us, and what we wish for all of you is for peace to spread, one relationship at a time.

We feel an enormous sense of gratitude for life, for the opportunities to grow and share, and for our relationships.

It’s hard to know what to write about gratitude without sounding clichéd. You’ve all read about how it’s better to give than to receive. A recent article from a neuroscientist tells how gratitude increases the pleasure of altruism. Another Washington Post article about training to support the dying offers the exercise of living a day as though it were your last day on earth.

So the question is how do we see the glass as half full? How do we accentuate the positive? Walk on the sunny side? Find the silver lining? (Let me count the clichés.)

For years, Phil couldn’t accept the goodness in relationships because of a mirage of perfection. What a potent source of dissatisfaction! Even though this same power of the imagination is the source that creates art and inventions, in our personal life it can destroy our happiness by focusing on what is missing.

The antidote is being present. By being present, we see what exists. We are brought back in touch with our senses. And even though we may be faced with chronic pain or a broken clutch or a raging boss, much in our life and our relationships is sheer joy. It may not scream for attention like a surprise party; instead, it may whisper. It may be the pattern that fallen leaves have made. But it is there by the tens and hundreds and thousands. Look. Listen. Breathe it all in deeply. Be grateful.

Let’s match actions to words & find opportunities to serve within our relationships & communities
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So how can we go about spreading the realities of truth, beauty and goodness? How do we support their growth in our hearts and in the world?

It starts with a striving toward self-knowledge – the kind that helps us move away from a self-centered approach to interactions, and find a place of inclusiveness, of relatedness and service to others.

So, this is our call to action – feed your inner self so that you may feed those around you with that knowledge and that love.

It is time for all of us to match our actions to our words – to find service opportunities within our relationships, our communities, wherever we find ourselves, and to bring it, by example and sharing of this light, out into the world.

Take your thoughts and your words out into service to others. Listen to your brothers and sisters when they need to be heard. Notice them on the streets when they need to be seen. Practice being present with everyone. Celebrate together and embrace each other as often as you can.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we spoke about celebrating the holidays, appreciating the beauty and joy, and seeing challenges as opportunities. Here are some articles to support you in doing that.

7 Ways to Get Past Tough Situations Quickly “‘Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond to it.’ -Charles Swindoll. One day everything seems great in your world—maybe not perfect, but overall things are going to plan. And then something happens. You lose your job, or someone you love, or your home, or maybe even your health. It isn’t fair. You don’t deserve it. You didn’t see it coming. You didn’t plan for it. You have so many feelings and frustrations you don’t know what to do first, or if you want to do anything at all.”

How to Transform Challenges Into Opportunities for Growth “Challenges are an inevitable part of life. Whether it be challenging times, people or circumstances, most of us can relate to coming up against roadblocks in life that feel hard, unfair, or that can even be devastating at times. Some people face the most unthinkable tragedies and somehow come out the other side stronger. Others crumble under the weight of the pressure and heartache they face.”

Things to remember when life seems too hard “It is amazing the power that a good quote has to lift us up and carry us out of our dark places. A great quote shows us the truth of a situation and gets us to think about life from a different perspective. So we’ve dug up 22 of the best quotes to give you a bit of perspective for when life just seems too hard.”

Celebrate the Holidays and Appreciate the Beauty and Joy

This time of year is stressful and difficult for many people. For many, it can be a time of having to, having to, having to…

The season is supposed to be filled with joyous celebration, but it can also become a time of challenges. Why is the meat thermometer stuck at 130°? Why did Aunt Mimi run out of the room? You lost the bottle opener when you went camping? Cousin George will be coming because rehab wouldn’t take him?

It’s not obvious that these stressful situations are also opportunities for us to grow. We usually think of problem solving as changing the other person or situation, whether it’s the IRS, Aunt Mimi or your partner. This is usually difficult, frustrating and often impossible. It may be all their fault, and always feels like it, but 80 to 90 percent of our reality is self-generated, so start there. Instead of seeing them as external problems and trying to deal with them as such, we can learn much and feel good if we use them to look inside.

A lump of clay doesn’t turn into a bowl unless pressure is applied, and likewise, these problems are an opportunity for us to grow. We don’t really have much control over our external reality, but we have everything to say about how we deal with what happens to us. If we take the events that cause distress and use them to take a good look at ourselves, they become information on our path, opportunities to learn and change. What are the fear and avoidance aspects of what we are reacting to negatively. How do we feel? Why?

Stressful situations are opportunities to grow. We can learn much if we use them to look inside
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Look at what is coming up – fear, grief, anger, disgust. It may be real, it may be authentic, but more than likely it’s a reaction that we don’t need to have. To do this takes self-awareness. It’s difficult. We can work on it by separating the emotion from the response. It’s fine to have emotional reactions; we don’t have much choice about this, and the more aware of them we are, the better. Where we do have a choice is in whether and how we respond. This is how we get to know ourselves and where personal growth takes place.

Sometimes the events are more serious, including death and unexpected illness. These are things which bring difficulty and great sadness. It is important to grieve and share loss with others. Even in these dire situations, there are opportunities – opportunities for growth, for getting to know ourselves better, and most of all for celebrating the joy and beauty that are also here surrounding us all the time.

In these periods, partners and friends can be wonderful sounding boards. If we have created relationships where we can share without being given solutions, be heard with being fixed, do soul searching out loud, then we can grow closer to ourselves as well as our intimate ones. These support-based relationships can also grow deeper when we share our commonality.

So in this season, let’s celebrate together and share ways to grow towards peace, both inner and outer. Let’s look at the beauty and celebrate joy and each other whenever we can. Let’s not take these things for granted and let’s not forget to play and rejuvenate! We need and rely on each other far more than we are in conflict with each other. Look for that, cultivate those positive emotions, tell everyone, and have a wonderful holiday season.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we asked why time for play is important in your relationship. These articles remind us of why it is so important.

The Benefits of Play for Adults “In our hectic, modern lives, many of us focus so heavily on work and family commitments that we never seem to have time for pure fun. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we’ve stopped playing. When we carve out some leisure time, we’re more likely to zone out in front of the TV or computer than engage in fun, rejuvenating play like we did as children. But just because we’re adults, that doesn’t mean we have to take ourselves so seriously and make life all about work. We all need to play.”

Adults need recess too. Here’s why you should make time to play. “When you think of playing, some memories from childhood most likely come to mind: digging for dinosaur bones in the sandbox, a game of tag at recess, spending hours with your toy of choice (whether it was a Barbie doll, a Hot Wheel’s car or a pile of Legos). But can you remember the last time you played? If you can’t, then you may be missing out on an important way to give your physical and mental health a boost.”

Choose a Partner You Can Be Playful With “As we grow older, more often than not, we are encouraged to subdue playful tendencies and to replace them with a more serious and professional air, as we strive to have it all figured out. We are discouraged from climbing trees, swinging on monkey bars, building sand castles, messily finger painting nonsensical artwork, or dancing freely when the music moves us. Our culture conditions us that publicly pursuing childlike activities may run the risk of appearing foolish or unprofessional. We are taught that you only dance when it is appropriate, like during dance classes, in a club, or at a wedding.”

Why is Time for Play Important in Your Relationship?

Recently, Phil had been beating himself up for not accomplishing tasks; of wasting his time reading, relaxing, taking time out. True, it is important to watch for procrastination and all its little tricks that take us away from our important goals and accomplishments.

Yet we also need to show respect for our bodies and our minds. They need time off, time out, or time in other pursuits.

Individually and in our relationships we all need play time where we are not working on anything; not on progressing, not on taking care of business, and definitely not on achieving anything.

We recently had a marvelous and rejuvenating few days. These were days where we stepped outside our usual patterns and day to day projects and were just together having an intimate and lovely time. We didn’t do anything big and important. We were very present with each other talking, laughing, sharing. We are not referring to date nights, trips, or other planned escapades together. Here we are referring to spontaneous, unplanned, unscheduled, open free time.

It started when Maude suggested hanging out with each other with no goal other than that. We had each been so busy with our individual jobs and tasks or with mutual social events, that we hadn’t spent much time with each other just relaxing or having adventures. Those things that we enjoy doing separately can make us forget to spend time together, but time like that is important precisely because it doesn’t involve doing anything. It’s an opportunity to reconnect to ourselves and each other.

Individually and in our relationships we all need play time where we are not working on anything
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It is a time for laughter, for creativity, for spontaneity, for unplanned nonsense – the substance of life. In “The Artist’s Way,” author Julia Cameron offers a wonderful course for connecting with your creative self. One of the vital components of this process is what she calls “The Artist Date”. It is essentially “…an excursion, a play date…” And she suggests that “A little fun can go a long way toward making your work feel more like play.”

We all need these times and our relationships need them as well. Refresh yourselves and your partners, and all that you want to accomplish and create will be that much richer for it. Changing our patterns and altering the way we fill our time wakes us up and keeps us from sleepwalking through our lives and our loves. All our efforts will be that much more when we replenish our spirits with play and laughter!

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about why worrying about someone else does not help them. Here are some articles that tell you why.

Why Worrying Isn’t a Sign of Love “For my friend and millions of people like her, worry is a sign of love. It says that, even though I am okay, I am selfless enough to suffer vicariously for you. And isn’t that the definition of love? Wouldn’t it be uncaring not to feel terrible for others, given what some people have to deal with? At the risk of giving worriers everywhere nothing to do, the answer is no.”

Worry and Guilt: The Useless Emotions “Worry and guilt are opposite sides of a wooden nickel—two useless emotions facing different directions. Worry looks ahead, seeing threat and disaster at every turn. Guilt looks behind, imposing self-blame for perceived misfortunes and disappointments.”

Worrying Vs. Caring: Do You Know The Difference? “Most people would say that worrying is pointless and a waste of time and energy. I submit to you that it is actually harmful. Here’s why: Worry is fear-based. It is a projection of negative energy. Caring, on the other hand, is a projection of positive energy. When you care about situations or people, you’re hopeful that things will get better. When you worry about them, you’re afraid they won’t.”

In Your Relationships, Worry is not Love

Yesterday was a day full of insight and contradiction. I got a text from a friend who had apparently reached out to me a number of times without getting a response. She said, “I haven’t heard back and I’m worried.”

I get it. She felt there might be something wrong. Actually, I was at a Hanukkah celebration and then at a healing circle for a dear one. My friend’s text brought up an experience of old that had a profound influence on me.

Several decades ago, I had just gone through a really bad divorce, leaving me with a huge debt, big monthly bills, two children to care for, and all this at the beginning of a serious recession. I was working my way through it (one step at a time), when one day I got a call from a dear old friend.

She said in a tone of deep concern, “We are ALL really worried about you!”

Wow! I had such a visceral reaction to this that I can remember the sensations to this day. It really brought me down. “Oh no,” I thought, “everyone is worrying about me. They don’t think I can handle this.”

It is not what happens to you, but how you handle what happens to you that counts #quote
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That comment, as well-meaning as it was, did nothing for me. It didn’t offer me anything but more difficulty or uncertainty to deal with. Unlike another girlfriend, who quietly put $10 of gas in my car when we stopped at a gas station, this friend was actually unwittingly passing on doubts and fears.

Doubts and fears don’t help. Ever!

Love is what I needed. Love and the belief and certainty that I would be able to deal with what was happening to me. And, of course, practical support where possible; someone to listen to me without making comments; someone to help me hear myself and figure out what the next steps needed to be; someone who was convinced that it is not what happens to you, but how you handle what happens to you that counts.

Yesterday at the healing circle, I experienced just that. A beloved sister had a stroke and a brain tumor was found to be the cause. A circle of friends gathered to celebrate this beautiful warrior woman (and she was there too) on a Zoom call. We spoke of the kind of love and support we can offer each other to help illuminate our ways. We shared wonderful stories about our inspiring and courageous friend and reveled in the love we could all share with each other. There was sustenance for all in those loving exchanges and a true understanding of what is real and what is important.

So in our relationships, let’s offer practical support and thoughts that will energize and uplift. In these strange and uncertain times, that is what we all need from each other.

The sentence should go “I’m not worried about you, because I know you’ll be fine!”

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

In this week’s blog, we wrote about how to be present in your life and relationship. Here are some interesting perspectives on presence.

Freedom Is Being Present “We live two lives: we live life in our thoughts and we live life as our experience of the present moment. Freedom comes as our life in thoughts diminishes and our experience of the present moment predominates. Freedom comes through learning how to balance thoughts and the present moment. We developed the ability to think abstractly only about 70,000 – 95,000 years ago. Apparently the part of life we live ‘in our head’ today simply did not exist before that time, and instead human life was solely a series of immediate experiences, like the lives of other creatures.”

Mindfulness in relationships “For many of us our ideas of love and relationships are formed from a young age, what we observe in our environment; namely our parents or guardians, to when we mature and begin to read novels and catch a glimpse of The Notebook. We see people around us talk about their feelings, emotions, hope and dreams and we start to dream that maybe some day we too might experience something similar. Our ideas mix with our delusions and get stirred by our beliefs to concoct a recipe of an ideal relationship with an ideal partner. An idea many of us again, rarely shake.”

How Mindfulness Can Save Your Relationship “Mindfulness practice doesn’t just enhance our individual well-being. In fact, it’s now being shown to have a positive impact on interpersonal relationships. A 2004 University of North Carolina study of ‘relative happy, nondistressed couples’ showed that couples who practiced mindfulness saw improvements to their ‘relationship happiness.’ In addition, they experienced healthier levels of ‘relationship stress, stress coping efficacy, and overall stress.'”

How to Be Present in Your Life and Relationship

Many people, both famous and obscure, have written about having an enlightenment experience. In describing this, being present is always mentioned, so it is easy to infer that it too requires some great epiphany.

Yet being present is not that inaccessible, and to see why, it helps to look at its contrasts, the past and the future. Even primitive species incorporate these. Learning what plants are bitter or what insects are dangerous incorporates the past as memory. Catching prey by anticipating its path is to model the future.

With the advent of the fore-brain and language, our mental models of the past and the future have allowed us unprecedented control over the natural world, and our thoughts operate like an additional sense about the world, one that sometimes disagrees with our existing senses. No, the sun does not move across the sky. No, lead pipes are not a good plumbing choice.

These dual and frequently dueling perceptions are why we are so often conflicted. Our fore-brains speak to us in one language, while our older animal intuitions, incorporating millennia of experience, speak to us in a completely different language, that of the body and the senses. Being present simply means listening to that language as well.

It’s impossible to shut the fore-brain up entirely. Instead, realize that there are two conversations going on simultaneously, and just like at a party, you can choose which conversation to listen to.

You can experience being present by paying attention to your senses as well as your thoughts #quote
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Being present with someone means giving them your full attention; not just their words, but their tone of voice, their stance, their hesitations and where they look and how they fidget. Remember, these cues are non-verbal, you are absorbing holistic information –don’t try to break it down with your thought mind. Sure, you can find words to categorize them and pass them to your fore-brain, but this is a different form of knowledge, just as hearing a bird and seeing a bird are two different things.

We often cannot see what is in front of our eyes until it is pointed out. The message of our senses exists but is usually drowned out by our brain loudly giving its opinion. Learn to distinguish the two voices and use them both. When you pay attention in this way, you are not formulating a response to what the person is saying, you are not passing judgments on them, you are potentially ego-less. You are there with your full self, absorbing all that you can of the other.

When you give your full attention to someone, they feel heard and seen, and they will offer more of themselves; they feel less defensive, more accepted and they most often share more intimacy. This pulls you both into the present and creates the possibility of an adventure, of something creative and new, something that exists only in the present.

When you can take this level of attention into the world, whether it be to nature, your coffee shop, or your relationship, there is the possibility of slipping the bonds of ego, of escaping your identity, of being, even if only for a moment, a part of that landscape. In that very real sense, you are being here now.