Leon Scott Baxter's Blog, page 27

Just a Wife and Mom

My oldest dau[image error]ghter recorded a Lifetime TV show, The Week the Women Went. I caught the tail end o f the first episode and was intrigued enough to watch the second one. It’s a socail experiment taking place in the small town of Yemassee, SC. All of the women leave the town for a week leaving the men in charge of everything including house chores, the kids, as well as businesses. So far, the show is drawing a picture of men as incompetent doofs who can’t keep the house clean, make a meal or change a diaper.

So, I was offended at first, until this morning when I stopped by a local yard sale. The man keeping an eye on the items and telling prices had a picture of the driveway with all of the sale items, and each had a price written on them.His wife didn’t think he could handle it on his own, so she took a photo of the sale and wrote the price of each item for her husband to regurgitate: “How much for the table?” He looks at his photo, “Uh, she want’s twenty bucks for that.”

Maybe we are bumbling doofs after all, and we can’t function without a woman to guide us. But, what intrigued me most about the show was Misty. Before she was whisked away for a week stay at a Floridian resort, she was weepy stating that her husband and kids are all she has in life. That made me a bit concerned, because my although wife and kids are the most important things in my life, they are not all that defines me, and it’s truly not healthy to define yourself only as a mom and wife.

No surprise that after two days, Misty’s husband, who also defines her as wife and mom, was done with the experiment. He sent someone to Florida to pick up his wife and bring her back home. Now, I would have thought that Misty might be disappointed or reluctant. Instead, she seemed so relieved. She said that she couldn’t be happy without her family. She appreciated the opportunity, but she was ready to go home, and home she went.

Instead of her husband saying, “I’m so glad she’s back. We missed her so much. I don’t ever want to leave us again,” he said that he won’t ever let her leave him again. Same sentiment? Maybe, but choice of words really made an impact.

Misty seemed so happy to be back home and take on her roles as mom and wife again. She genuinely appeared pleased to be back in her husband’s arms again. I love that she was happy to be with her husband. I’m always talking about making your partner your best friend. When my wife returned from a 10-day trip to Spain this summer, I couldn’t wait to hold her, and I didn’t want to let her go. But, for the health of the relationship as well as the individual, we need to have balance. My wife and kids are at the top of my priority list, but it’s crucial that I have other interests, have other friends, and participate in other activities.

I hope when Misty watched this episode she saw what many of us witnessed, a woman who limited her opportunities when she has defined herself as only a mom and a wife. She needs to be okay with having her own life. Not only would she grow as a person, but it would bring new facets to her marriage and expand the possibilities of that relationship

Chinese Love and Hug Day

Two reasons to show your honey that you’re thinking of them on August 23rd: first, it’s Hug Your Sweetheart Day. Secondly, it’s also Chinese Valentine’s Day (which is really an inaccurate[image error] Western naming of the romantic holiday in China… but, in essence, it’s a day of love). Use either reason, or both, to focus on your partner on Thursday.

Hug to your heart’s content. Get a dozen roses (at a reasonable price) and do the whole Valentine’s Day thing in August. If it were me (I guess, in essence it is, in some sense) I would order Chinese food to share with my wife, then make my own romantic fortune cookie and figure out how to get it in the after-meal sweet snack. Not sure what the slip would say, but it would have to include something about hugs.

Feel free to borrow my idea or create your own Chinese Valentine’s-Hug Day traditions. But, figure out a way to celebrate. There’s always a reason to focus on your partner, your relationship and your love. Take advantage of it and you’ll both be glad you did.

Jennifer Aniston to Finally Say “I Do”?

So, is this finally “the one”? Apparently, actress Jennifer Aniston has finally found true love and will be tying the knot with 41-year old actor/screenwriter, Justin Theroux, who she has been dating for a year. Theroux proposed to Aniston last week and she happily accepted. The thing is, Ansiton has been “looking for love” for quite some time. She’s been linked to actors Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn, British model Paul Sculfor, as well as singer John Mayer.

As I’ve said before, Aniston appears to have everything going for her. She’s beautiful, successful, charming, famous and rich. So, why is the 43-year old former Friends star still ringless? Some people just aren’t looking to settle down, but by all accounts, Ansiton has been trying to settle down for the past decade. As a result, she may feel as though her clock is ticking. She’s been scouring the singles scene since the beginning of the new millennium.

I do so want this to be the right one for her, but my concern is that she may want to be married to someone more than she wants to be married to Theroux. When you start to see your prospects dry up, it’s easy to start to settle. I’m sure Theroux is a great guy. He’s handsome and successful, and has been courting Aniston for a year, but I wonder if he would have been good enough for her a decade ago.

It’s so incredibly crucial that you don’t settle for a lifetime with someone just because you are afraid that “it’s the best you can get”. Everyone deserves to be with that “right partner”. How do you know? Wait. I think that Jennifer and Justin should have a long engagement, just to be sure that she’s not jumping in because she’s unsure if there will be another opportunity. Date and see if this is the right one.

No one is a “perfect” partner. We have to deal with their idiosyncrasies, but if the positives outweigh the negatives, there’s a good chance you’ve found what you are looking for. Again, I hope that Jen has found what she wants, but I hope she takes her time to be sure.

Rihanna, Not Done with Chris?

Singer Rihanna confided in Oprah Winfrey this week that she still loves her ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown, who beat her three years ago. Folks are upset. they are calling her week and disappointed that a superstar who was beaten by her partner, would still love him three years later.

I get that. I mean, I understand that we all want her to move on, to leave him to wallow in the mess he created, to find someone who will treat her right. But, the truth is, she may move on, but what you do and what you feel don’t always coincide.

She left her singer-boyfriend in 2009 when he beat her. She announced that they were through. She made all the right moves, but her heart didn’t get the memo. The problem is that logic doesn’t dictate emotion. We all know this. People do things all the time that are illogical, but based on their emotions.

Three years later, Rihanna has come to terms with the fact that she still loves the man that beat her. Some see this as week. I certainly wish her heart had let her move on, but I don’t see this as weak. On the contrary, I see her as being strong, strong enough to admit it publicly knowing the ridicule she would certainly receive. The question is, though, will she act upon it? She loves him, so will she let him back in her heart and life again?

What do you do when the person you love the most has hurt you in unimaginable ways and your heart won’t let go? Many of us have been here with a physically abusive partner like Chris Brown or a cheating partner or one who lies or steals. You separate yourself from them physically, but what if your heart is still attached, even three years later? Do you go back?

Here’s my answer: if there’s no sign that your partner has changed, no matter what your heart says, let logic dictate and keep your distance. If enough time has passed and your partner has shown signs of change, then maybe you approach the situation slowly and carefully, keeping your guard up. And, if there is even the slightest slip up, that’s your red flag that your partner will eventually return to their old ways, and you are now gone, but for good.

As for Rihanna and Chris, if he’s been taking anger control classes, hasn’t had any blow-ups, has been kind and calm, she should give it a try if she wants, but she needs to let him know the parameters…lay a finder on me, and you’ll never see me again!

True Love Forever Day

August 16th is the official “True Love Forever Day.” I am not kidding. I know, how do I find this stuff? It’s one of the perks of being America’s Romance Guru. I like some of the relationship days, but “True Love Forever Day” is a bit too saccharine. When I hear it, I think of heart-shaped boxes of cherry-filled chocolates, giant teddy bears with red ribbons around their necks and grocery store-bought rose bouquets. It feels a bit too forced.

But, that doesn’t mean you should brush it off. If you truly are in love, and you feel and/or want it to last forever, then celebrate the day. I just suggest you do something creative and personal and not schmaltzy and tenth-grade.

Like Valentine’s Day, I love to celebrate, but I hate doing what everyone else tells us to do. Romance is about what makes your partner feel loved and cared for based on what’s special to them, not what Julia Roberts movies and Hallmark cards tell us.

So, write a silly song and sing it. Order Chinese food and have a picnic dinner on the beach in front of a bond fire. Go on a mountain bike ride and stop to make out on a rock by a stream.

True love forever is what you make it. That’s what makes it “true” and allows it to last “forever.” Have fun!

Resurrect Romance on Saturday

August 11th is National Resurrect Romance Day (no joke). I love the idea, just wish it happened more often than once a year. Romance is something that Mother Nature gives us for free the first six to eighteen months of a new relationship. It’s all chemical and hormonal. It’s called the Honeymoon Stage. Thing is, it dies down and usually fades in couples who have been together for quite awhile. This Saturday you are supposed to find that romance again and rekindle that fire of yesteryear.

The problem is that most people are unsure of how to bring romance back to their relationships. Society tells us that romance means flowers, dinner, sex, candy, slow dancing and poetry. For some, it is. But, really romance is just making your partner feel loved and cared for. So, that may mean doing the dishes, letting them have time for a nap, sending a flirty text, or bringing home their favorite DVD to watch on the sofa together. To truly be romantic you have to know your partner. What do they want, love, need, enjoy? What would make their life easier, more fun, enjoyable? What can you do that makes them feel loved or cared for? remember, just because you do something for them because you love and care for them, that doesn’t make it romantic. What you do has to create a feeling of love and being cared for within them.

When Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie were a couple, they exchanged vials of blood and wore them around their necks? Romantic? Not to me, but to them it was. So, tomorrow, figure out what will resurrect romance in your relationship and do it. May take time and thought, but it’ll be worth it. I know where you can get a great deal on blood vials.

She Wants a Break

No Going Commando Today

It’s National Underwear Day…No joke! Celebrate it as you like, but I am going to recommend that you put on your best skivvies for your sweetheart. That could be surprising them by wearing them under your clothes as you had out the door and then telling them once you are at the restaurant. Could be that you show your partner before heading out, giving them something to think about the entire evening. Could even be that you slip away to powder your nose and come back flashing the undergarments in hand proving you have gone commando. Or, if you don’t want to head out, you could celebrate National Underwear Day by wearing nothing but your underwear at home all day (the good stuff, though).

The beauty of National Underwear Day is that it can really be fun for couples. Underwear is intriguing to us because of what it covers. When our partner wears fancy, nice or sexy underwear it implies that what it’s covering also may be fancy, nice or sexy. When we wear underwear that makes us feel good. That translates to making us feel sexy, too. When we feel sexy, we often make what’s being covered worth waiting for. So, when you celebrate National Underwear Day, don’t just rip off the skivvies and get crazy with your partner. Take your time. Tease and tantalize. Part of what can make underwear so alluring is actually getting intimate while keeping all or some of it on.

So, be creative, have fun and let today pump up your libidos and bring a bit of passion and excitement to your relationship.

To Forgive Is Divine

Today is International Forgiveness Day, really…no kidding (they’ve got a day for everything). And, I thought that this was a good opportunity to remind you all that if you have been holding a grudge, bringing up the past or using someone’s slip-up as ammunition whenever you have a disagreement, today’s the day you move forward.

People say, “Forgive and forget.” I agree with the “forgive” part, but sometimes it’s not possible to forget. Sometimes not being able to forgive in a relationship is a major obstacle that causes marriages to be imbalanced, unhealthy and weakened.I should know. I’m stubborn as a mule, but letting go really feels better than carrying that load of anger and frustration.

I have heard that forgiveness is not something that we do for other people, but rather something we do for ourselves so we can move on and get well. Believe it or don’t. If you don’t want to forgive for yourself, take today to forgive for your relationship so that you and your partner can move on and so the relationship can be well again.

 

Can I Move and Still Be a Bride?