Naomi Dathan's Blog, page 9
May 5, 2015
Hire a Felon. Seriously.
So yesterday I was watching an episode of Cops – don’t judge me – and the title characters, the Cops, were doing drug busts in the park. They busted this maybe late 20’s guy for selling crack from a park bench. His pregnant girlfriend was nearby, sobbing. The dealer was also crying, begging the cops to let him give his cash to his girlfriend because he knew he was going back to jail and he didn’t want to leave her and the coming baby with nothing. His felony meant he hadn’t been able to find a job, he explained, so selling crack was his plan to survive and take care of his family.
It’s very sad. The girl obviously loved the guy. The guy obviously loved the girl. They both obviously considered the coming baby to be something precious and worth loving as well. And now their little family was shattered.
Pragmatically, they also deserved what happened. Selling crack in a park is horrible. The guy deserved to go to jail. She’s lucky she didn’t go too, and have her kid taken from her.
Even more pragmatically, we have a big problem in this country, and like it or not, you and I are part of it. Editor Mark Cowling put it this way: “For a land that likes to call itself the ‘land of the free,’ we lock up a lot of people. “ In October 2013, 716 out of every 100,000 Americans were locked up. We’re 4.4% of the world’s population, but we have about 22% of the world’s prisoners.
Are we that much worse than everyone else in the world? Does violent crime, theft and drug addiction run thick through our red, white and blue blood?
Or . . . have we built a profit industry out of keeping people in cages?
I’m not going to answer that question for you (do your own research), but I’ll give you a hint: It’s the second one.
There’s a lot going into this problem. Little kids in impoverished families with exhausted hopeless parents working multiple minimum wage jobs are less likely to become productive citizens. Teens who make bad choices are more likely to see the inside of a prison if they have more pigment in their skin. Addicts have too few resources to get clean, and are too readily thrown away by all the parts of the system.
I wish I could fix all of this, but I can’t. I can only try to make my own bite out of the problem.
I considered the obvious choice: Make a meme with poignant words and a misused version of the words “there” and “your.” Share it on Facebook and encourage others to do the same, if they “have a heart.” I even considered saying that Bill Gates or Facebook would give 4 cents to a program for reformed felons for every share.
But in the end, I’ve decided to go with this:
I’m building a group of potential Facebook developers. It’s a great profession for the right people. The right people have a relatively rare combination of personality traits and talents, but they can be found anywhere. I’m looking, as much as possible, in places where people don’t have a lot of other great choices. I’m talking to people with disability. Single moms who are scratching out a subsistence level survival. Unemployed citizens of a severely impoverished and jobless county in West Virginia. And, so far, one bright felon who is trying to support his growing family on a job as a line cook.
I guess it might sound like I’m bragging, so let me clarify.
It’s not being super successful.
First, I’m still getting established, so I don’t have a ton of work to give out.
Second, I’ve only been able to give work to two developers – my friend who already knows the biz, and my fourteen year old. Because she’s old enough to be earning money, and it was this or find a babysitting gig.
The people who join my group are interested, bright and talented, but they are already used up by their day-to-day lives. Learning a new, complex skill on top of it all is tough. I’m still looking for an approach that will help everyone (or anyone) progress. Once I get more established, I can create regular part time jobs to train, which will help.
So, that’s my plan.
But maybe . . . if your business is farther along than mine. If you have an opening. If you think we’re better off with a nation of productively employed ex-felons than a nation of frustrated, hungry, marginalized, Factionless felons . . . maybe you can make a bigger difference than I have so far.
Work. The anti-riot.I’ll end with this: Someone calling himself “Tired of the System” posted this on a forum for felons looking for work:
“I have been trying to provide a way of life since I was in trouble. How can this world be so cruel not to understand that things happen in people’s life and/or trying to do better. We are judged already by our credit and other things like skin color, but now we have to have the fact that we have had a bit of trouble in our lives in the past and it is going to determine the rest of our lives.”
I want to say to her: You did something stupid. You deserved your punishment, and, yeah, it’s going to follow you. But I have also done stupid things, and I have found my place. Let’s work together and help you find your place.
It’s better for her. It’s better for us. It’s certainly better for her kids.
April 28, 2015
The Mom Factor: Why Those Stretch Marks Might Actually Give You An Edge
In the interest of coming up with a catchy title, I may have misled you just a hair. I can’t actually think of any workplace situation where your stretchmarks will conceivably give you an edge. However, I’m making the leap that if you have stretchmarks, you probably have kids.
We talk a lot about how challenging it is to be a working mother — the conflict between work attendance and persistent ear infections, the exhaustion, the worries. But today, let’s talk about how having kids actually helps you.
They call them Soft Skills. These are qualities like professionalism, communication, deferred gratification, attitude, social skills and problem solving.
Sorry to point out the obvious but:
Professionalism. Sure, you spend an certain amount of time in mom jeans and an oversized t-shirt with aged spit up on one shoulder. But, my friend, you are a manager. You rely on routines, organization, calendars and those precious connections with others facing the same challenges. All it takes is one $25 fee for a missed dental appointment or a $17.25 library charge for a destroyed picture book for you to start putting systems and controls in place.
Communication. The key to communication is, of course, to not only speak, but to ensure that your message has been received, and to be receptive of incoming messages. In other words, no matter how many times you explain to the two year old that your cell phone doesn’t belong in the fish tank, you’re wasting your time unless she can get what you’re saying. Bonus points if you finally realize that she watched Finding Nemo and was moved enough to try to allow her fish to call his daddy. The most inexplicable person you work with will not be as difficult to understand as your two year old. You’ve got this.
Deferred Gratification. Success in business depends on your ability to work consistently toward long term goals and patiently wait for the ultimate rewards. Does parenting involved any kind of deferred gratification? Let me think . . . I started wanting to take an uninterrupted bath when my eldest child was born. She’s almost nineteen now. So, I’ll let you know.
Attitude. You and Toddler are at the park. It’s 92 degrees outside, and Yoddler is approximately fifteen minutes past desperately needing a nap. The goal is to get to the car, and, eventually, home, where Toddler can attach to his recharging station (blanket and stuffed dog missing one ear) and you can attach to yours (the single remaining cookie hidden in the junk drawer and tivo’d episode of Gray’s Anatomy. The obstacle: Your hands are full of Baby, so you cannot carry Toddler. You can either argue or reason with Toddler (laughably useless), or you can adopt a bright, Romper Room voice, cry out, “Ready, Set . . . Go!” and pretend to race Toddler to the car. Take these skills into the workplace, Grasshopper.
Social Skills. There’s nothing like coaching a three year old through attending another child’s birthday party to hone your awareness of social interactions. As a mom, you become very aware of nuance and social cues that benefit you when dealing with unspoken tensions in the workplace.
Problem Solving. At home, it’s all you do. Resolve conflicting activity schedules, arguments over toys, biased teachers and inventively mischievous kids. At work . . . it’s all you’ll do.
Human Resources student Rhonda Cornett Hill says, “Mom skills translate to the workplace. Being able to mediate yourself first, then the conflict, translates well in the workplace. Think of all the sleepless nights when the baby is sick and you lose an extraordinary amount of sleep. This skill translates in such a way that you will keep going until you have nothing left you can do. . .controlling the conflict within yourself when chaos ensues.”
Mental health specialist Elisabeth Fincher agrees: “We teach little people how to play well in the sandbox. When we take our own skills to work, as the workplace is a big sandbox (social environment) we act as leaders.”
April 21, 2015
Can Improving Office Culture Build Your Bottom Line?
Create a warm, beautiful office culture. Like Arizona. In January.As a manager, owner or entrepreneur, your day is probably already full. You’ve got the budget, the clients, the reports, the putting-out-of-the-fires, the employee issues . . .
With all that, the issue of office culture seems pretty academic and distant.
Because, yes. Employees complain and gossip. Supervisors cover their bums. Hours are long and money is tight. But your focus is on the next seventeen things on your to-do list.
Addressing a negative office culture takes time, money and energy away from the thing that matters, ie, the bottom line. Is it worth it?
According to Dr. Emma M. Seppala, the answer to this question is a very loud and well-substantiated “Yes!”
Applying some of your admittedly scant resources to improving the office culture will ultimately improve your bottom line, which strengthens your company and benefits you and the workers. “…Culture trumps strategy in predicting performance,” says Seppala. A positive work culture improves creativity, builds a strong, resilient team and builds employee loyalty.
Portland mental health specialist and social justice advocate, Elisabeth Fincher says, “Culture is extremely important and will combat politics if there is good leadership. I loved watching Leeza Gibbons on Apprentice this season . . . watching her leadership skill combat the power. She created a positive culture by her positivity and by playing nice despite the despicable behavior of others.”
Gibbons pulled off the impressive feat of winning with not one cast member turning on her or even uttering an unfavorable comment — chalk it up to really good people skills.
My favorite quote (I’ve probably mentioned this before), is the Hindu proverb “Help thy brother’s boat across, and Lo! Thine own has reached the shore.” Or, as Leeza Gibbons says, “My life motto is ever forward. Focus on what’s in front of you, stop looking at what’s behind you.”
Build that attitude into your work culture and you’ll improve productivity and build a powerful team where employees feel secure, empowered and valued.
April 14, 2015
How to Survive Ugly Office Politics
How important is office culture to your personal success?
If you’ve ever had a bellyful of sick dread when you were getting ready for work, you would probably say, “Very!”
In the last blog we talked about the impact of a difficult coworker. But sometimes the problem extends beyond a single person. Does this describe your office?
When the going gets tough, your manager gets going . . . somewhere else. She doesn’t get her hands dirty by working with the peons, and she doesn’t take ownership for the bad things.
When the sun shines, your manager has the darkest tan. In shining moments of success, she manages to find that elusive “I” in TEAM. As far as her superiors are concerned, she single-handedly pulled off wiping off the backlog.
You know whose husband is cheating, and who went commando last week. A gossipy environment saps team spirit and leaves lingering resentments that get in the way of productivity.
This is a good illustration of work flow on a typical day in your office:
Typical day at work.Your company’s mission statement has virtually nothing to do with the daily purpose of the employees. They are so disconnected from the outcome of their work that they genuinely suspect that what they do doesn’t matter.
Unless you are an owner or manager, you may feel that you can’t change the office culture, and that may be true. If so, it might be time to reassess whether you’re in the right place. Everyone works better when they believe in what they’re doing.
But there are a few things you can try in the meantime:
Make sure you are playing fair, and being a good team member.
Take the time to truly understand what your company is about, and how what you do ultimately leads to that purpose.
Train your boss by offering small rewards when she gets it right. This might sound condescending, but everyone has something to learn. If your boss accidentally does something right, like encouraging or team building, increase the odds of it happening again. The reward will depend on the boss’s currency – what matters to her? Take ten minutes to give her the friendly chat she adores, take her a coffee when you get yours, compliment her suit or let her overhear you saying something good about her.
April 8, 2015
April 7, 2015
How to Deal with Difficult Coworkers
Best Quote I’ve heard today: “Anyone can throw you under the bus. But you don’t have to lay there.” — Kelly Yontz, retail worker in Wadsworth, OH.
I love this quote because it includes the truth that we prefer to deny – that we are vulnerable to malicious co-workers. You can and should take measures to protect yourself, but you can’t make yourself impervious. A determined nemesis will succeed in getting some hits in. She may make you look bad to clients or your boss, or sabotage your work, and you won’t always be able to prevent it.
Difficult coworkers can fill your mornings with dread, no matter how much you enjoy the work you do. What can you do to improve your situation?
Make sure you’re not part of the problem. Assess your behavior for any unprofessional words or actions. Ask a trusted co-worker for honest feedback. If you detect any bad behavior, correct it and apologize for any misdeeds.
Try addressing the difficult person directly. Some people are not capable of taking ownership of their actions, but some are. Some people may be reacting to circumstances that you’re not aware of, and a heart-to-heart can help you both out.
Talk to a supervisor. This can be tricky. If you have an ongoing problem, then you can become known as a whiner or trouble-maker yourself. One way to avoid this – ask your boss to give you strategies to deal with the problem, rather than asking for her to solve it. Invite her to use the challenge to train you. The benefits of this approach are three-fold: You may learn some valuable strategies, you’ve created the opportunity for a continuing conversation with your boss as you seek her wisdom and feedback, and you’ve made her aware of the problem without appearing to be a back-stabber or tattletale.
Avoid the person. This isn’t taking the easy way out; it’s taking the smart way out. You are there to do a job. If the person is preventing you from doing the job, try switching desks or work partners so you can maintain your focus.
Protect yourself. If a coworker is aggressively trying to cause you trouble, this is no time to get caught writing your profile on Plenty of Fish. Keep your head down and in the game. Don’t let the added stress rattle you into making a foolish mistake. Make all your dealings transparent: they see you show up on time, they see you work until lunch, they see you come back on time. And, says licensed massage therapist, Sally Keith Knepp, “Document, document, document!”
Put on your parachute and bail. Your job is a means to an end – to do the work your love, make a living, or both. There are other jobs that provide those opportunities without that toxic person that is ruining it all. Get the heck out of there before she succeeds in getting you blamed for something, or maybe even gets you fired. Knepp agrees: “You aren’t chained to the job. There are always options.”
Most of all, keep your perspective and your sense of humor. “I smile a lot,” says Yontz. “And most of my coworkers are bat crap crazy.”
March 31, 2015
Quiz: Should You Make Friends at Work?
Should you be friends with your co-workers? In my last blog, several working women explored this question. Sheer, long-term proximity can lead us to believe that acquaintances are friends, but you’ll save yourself a lot of hardship if you do your due diligence.
Before you go any deeper into a relationship, ask yourself these questions (to save time I’ll use female pronouns, but the questions are universal):
Do you like her? I know this will sound ridiculous, but a few years back I looked around and realized that fully half of my friends were actually pretty annoying to me. That doesn’t mean they were bad people or even innately annoying – their personalities just weren’t a great fit with mine. Circumstances had brought us together and we’d fallen into friendships; meeting for coffee, having dinner and arranging to see shows together. But I wasn’t enjoying being with them, and I’m pretty sure they weren’t enjoying being with me. Let me tell you: Keeping a polite distance is much easier than politely extricating yourself from friendships of convenience. So be intentional when you make plans after work.
Is she “into you?” Of course friendships are different from romances, but they do have some things in common. If your friend never asks about your life, doesn’t include you with her other friends, doesn’t gradually expose her life and story to you, she’s not really your friend. This doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, and it doesn’t mean you are a bad or unlikeable person. It means she’s not feeling the bond. Accept it and move on.
Does she have your back? Does she show up on time for appointments and shared projects? Does she leave you hanging with clients or the boss? Does she defend you, and admit if she was the one who made a mistake? If she’s submarining you at work, or failing to offer you a hand up when you’re sinking on your own, she’s not your friend.
Is she all about the CYA? Is she willing to throw you under the bus to save herself? Is she willing to throw others under the bus to save you? If you made a mistake and she covers for you, you’ll feel relief. But she sets up someone else to pay the price, it will come back to bite you. Either you’ll be discovered, or she’ll do the same to you if she feels it’s necessary. Ruthless people make dangerous friends.
Do you feel upset after a conversation with her? “She’s just the sweetest person,” people used to say about a relative of mine. “Such a good listener. She helped me through one of the hardest times of my life.” With great restraint, I nodded and smiled, but inside I was seething. I couldn’t count the number of times I’d walked away from conversations with that person in tears. But what exactly did she do? Let me just quote from the Everybody Loves Raymond video: “She has this way of appearing to give a compliment when actually she’s insulting you.”
When someone is openly verbally aggressive, it’s pretty easy to identify. However, some people have such refined skills of verbal abuse that they can draw blood without you ever seeing their razor blade. I recommend the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You to shore up your own defenses. I also recommend you avoid allowing any verbally aggressive coworkers to get to close. You have relatives for that; no need to invite more.
How does she treat the powerless? When you go out to lunch together, is she snotty to the wait staff? Does she toss popcorn on the ground at the movies and make a quip about keeping ushers employed? Is she condescending to the office cleaning crew? If so . . . watch out. The minute you have a powerless moment – a work mistake, a stressful encounter, a malicious boss – she’ll cull you from the herd like a cheetah culls a baby wildebeest.
March 23, 2015
“We’re all One Big Family Here.”
Our graphic design team sat in a circle, our attention on the boss, who had just returned after three weeks of training out of state. “Aw, all of my family together. Now I feel like I’m really home.”
As expected, we all smiled, and one designer made a quip about her bringing us toys to make up for being gone.
I was inexperienced enough at the time that I couldn’t immediately define why the whole scene irritated me. It wasn’t until I got home — to my husband and my baby, my actual family — that I realized what the problem was.
My boss — I’ll call her Donna — wasn’t my family. She didn’t care if I was feeling blue or tired or sick; she just wanted me to do my job. Which is right and fine, because I didn’t care that she didn’t care; I just wanted to do my job too. I wanted to earn my living and support my family — my actual family.
I’ve heard it too often from higher ups — “Oh, we’re all a little crazy here, but we’re all family.”
While the first is often true, unless you’re working in the family business with your aunt, sister and four cousins, the second never is.
It’s just harmless words, you might object. Something people say. And, to be fair, Donna was a goofball but comparatively harmless. But it’s critical to remember that coworkers are not family. Your coworker, however nice, doesn’t need to know about your husband’s sexual dysfunction. The line supervisor doesn’t need to hear that your mother’s marriage is ending. Your boss doesn’t need to know whether your pregnancy caused a line to form from your belly button downward.
Even though Donna asked.
What are the guidelines for developing friendships at work.
Former Ohio merchandiser Missy Thomson says flatly, “Do not — I repeat DO NOT — get close to anyone. Be polite. Be cordial. But do not be friends.” Merchandise Specialist Rhonda Cornett Hill adds, “Keep it professional. Don’t try to become friends with coworkers outside of the work environment. Especially not with a boss, or a subordinate.”
Licensed massage therapist Sally Keith Knepp disagrees, “I don’t know. Some of the best friends I’ve had in life are former coworkers. ” Thompson agreed that three of her best friends began as work friends.
“But,” she said, “the vast majority have been the biggest back stabbers I have ever met in my life. . . . I used to trust everyone but I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t.”
Women tend to talk to each other, and we often spend six or eight hours with coworkers, so maintaining those boundaries can be an exercise in self-discipline.
Follow Knepp’s advice when you’re deciding who to confide in:
“Be very careful and discerning about who your real friends are.”
March 12, 2015
Things that Give Me an Ugly Sarcastic Tone . . . .
I understand that I need a special one for my delicate little hands. But what am I supposed to do with this book thing? It doesn’t have any pictures!
