Quiz: Should You Make Friends at Work?
Should you be friends with your co-workers? In my last blog, several working women explored this question. Sheer, long-term proximity can lead us to believe that acquaintances are friends, but you’ll save yourself a lot of hardship if you do your due diligence.
Before you go any deeper into a relationship, ask yourself these questions (to save time I’ll use female pronouns, but the questions are universal):
Do you like her? I know this will sound ridiculous, but a few years back I looked around and realized that fully half of my friends were actually pretty annoying to me. That doesn’t mean they were bad people or even innately annoying – their personalities just weren’t a great fit with mine. Circumstances had brought us together and we’d fallen into friendships; meeting for coffee, having dinner and arranging to see shows together. But I wasn’t enjoying being with them, and I’m pretty sure they weren’t enjoying being with me. Let me tell you: Keeping a polite distance is much easier than politely extricating yourself from friendships of convenience. So be intentional when you make plans after work.
Is she “into you?” Of course friendships are different from romances, but they do have some things in common. If your friend never asks about your life, doesn’t include you with her other friends, doesn’t gradually expose her life and story to you, she’s not really your friend. This doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, and it doesn’t mean you are a bad or unlikeable person. It means she’s not feeling the bond. Accept it and move on.
Does she have your back? Does she show up on time for appointments and shared projects? Does she leave you hanging with clients or the boss? Does she defend you, and admit if she was the one who made a mistake? If she’s submarining you at work, or failing to offer you a hand up when you’re sinking on your own, she’s not your friend.
Is she all about the CYA? Is she willing to throw you under the bus to save herself? Is she willing to throw others under the bus to save you? If you made a mistake and she covers for you, you’ll feel relief. But she sets up someone else to pay the price, it will come back to bite you. Either you’ll be discovered, or she’ll do the same to you if she feels it’s necessary. Ruthless people make dangerous friends.
Do you feel upset after a conversation with her? “She’s just the sweetest person,” people used to say about a relative of mine. “Such a good listener. She helped me through one of the hardest times of my life.” With great restraint, I nodded and smiled, but inside I was seething. I couldn’t count the number of times I’d walked away from conversations with that person in tears. But what exactly did she do? Let me just quote from the Everybody Loves Raymond video: “She has this way of appearing to give a compliment when actually she’s insulting you.”
When someone is openly verbally aggressive, it’s pretty easy to identify. However, some people have such refined skills of verbal abuse that they can draw blood without you ever seeing their razor blade. I recommend the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You to shore up your own defenses. I also recommend you avoid allowing any verbally aggressive coworkers to get to close. You have relatives for that; no need to invite more.
How does she treat the powerless? When you go out to lunch together, is she snotty to the wait staff? Does she toss popcorn on the ground at the movies and make a quip about keeping ushers employed? Is she condescending to the office cleaning crew? If so . . . watch out. The minute you have a powerless moment – a work mistake, a stressful encounter, a malicious boss – she’ll cull you from the herd like a cheetah culls a baby wildebeest.
