Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 6
March 11, 2021
Maintaining Boundaries In Times Of Change
For a year we have been creating and maintaining physical boundaries with other people in ways we never had to before. While these boundaries protected our physical health, they have also created social and emotional boundaries that hurt our emotional well-being. As Charlie Kuhn, our co-founder at Cultures of Dignity, is often reminding us, “What a time to be alive!”
Indeed! And now things are changing again.
For many of us, the circumstances around our physical boundaries are now shifting. Young people are returning to in-person school and after school activities. Many people are beginning to see family members they haven’t seen in a year. Understandably that brings up a lot of mixed emotions. Relief, if we or our loved ones have been vaccinated. Happiness to see people we love. Apprehension, as some things return to “normal” (whatever that means). Frustration, when people make decisions that are different than our own as we transition into the next phase of the pandemic.
Not everyone feels the same way about these changes. And that means we need to hold space for the awkward and complicated ways the past year has impacted our relationships.
Maintaining boundaries is an important act of self-advocacy and self-compassion. Boundaries empower us to make brave choices that help us feel safe. They help our relationships feel supportive and steady. So let’s talk about boundaries, so we have the tools to navigate changing circumstances and relationships.
At Cultures of Dignity, we think of boundaries like windows. Imagine we are all standing in front of our own set of windows and can open and close them to different levels at different times. But so can other people. We may want a window closed while the person next to us may want the window more open. That’s where a lot of us are right now— opening our own windows based on what makes us feel safe, while we’re standing next to people who may have different feelings about how much to open or close their windows too.
Get the Tiny Guide on Boundaries for free!
The first step to communicate your boundaries is to take the time to be clear with yourself about what those boundaries are.
How to get clarity on your boundaries:What are three boundaries you need right now? Write them down and have them handy when you feel like you need to remember.
Don’t avoid the conversation with others. It’s natural to worry about how other people will react to you if their boundaries are different from yours. But you owe it to yourself and them to communicate clearly. If you don’t, then you are way more likely to have those weird, awkward moments with people where everyone gets annoyed at each other.
Communicate directly. As in, “I get that you feel comfortable doing X, but I don’t right now.” Or “I am comfortable doing X right now, but you get to have your own boundaries that are different from mine. What can I do to respect your boundaries right now?”
You can change your boundaries. That’s not inconsistent or irresponsible. We are all continually renegotiating our boundaries right now. A boundary we set last month could change this month. That’s the same for the people around you.
We’re all in this crazy time together!
Recent Posts Maintaining Boundaries In Times Of Change Meet the 2021 Cultures Advisory Council Webinar – Setting Boundaries: How to Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships with Megan Saxelby For more on Boundaries, watch the recording of our Webinar – Setting Boundaries: How to Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships with Megan Saxelby
This originally appeared in our newsletter Communiquette.
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February 25, 2021
Meet the 2021 Cultures Advisory Council
The 2021 Cultures Advisory Council is a select group of 18-24 year-olds from across the globe that help advise, think about and help spread our work. The Cultures Advisory Council works on issues that impact young adults’ lives – from social media and technology, identity, mental health, gender, social dynamics to politics.
The Cultures Advisory Council is a space to discuss the issues that matter most to young adults and advise Cultures of Dignity on our content.
Learn more about each of the member of the 2021 Cultures Advisory Council below!Recent Posts Meet the 2021 Cultures Advisory Council Webinar – Setting Boundaries: How to Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships with Megan Saxelby Webinar: Life’s Not on Hold – Teens Navigate Missed Milestones
Micah Garry
Micah is in the process of graduating high school and deciding on where to spend his University years; he is interested in exploring the role that philosophy has in finding solutions to contemporary problems.
Harmonee Ross
Harmonee Ross is a senior from the Bay Area, California when she is not doing racial justice work, modeling, or phone banking for the upcoming election she spends her time listening to Selena, Lenny Kravitz, and of course Mariah Carey!
Tré Garnett
Tré is an alumnus of the University of Oregon with a degree in political science. He cares deeply about race, ethnicity, and identity politics. He loves playing piano and practicing martial arts.
Gabriella Spina
Gabriella is a freshman at The George Washington University studying international affairs and computer science. She’s passionate about coffee beans, current affairs, her two dogs!
Nikki Schlegel
Nikki is a junior at Grinnell College who loves developmental psychology and frozen desserts.
David Nevins
David is a recent graduate from Lafayette College where he studied International Affairs and French. He is passionate about sustainable development and spends his time biking, hiking, and working for a software company in the Bay Area.
Sara Davis
Sara is a high school senior who reads too many classic novels. She plans on studying education and politics next year.
Lauren Haffner
Lauren Haffner is a freshman broadcast journalism major at The University of Maryland. She is passionate about kindness and fitness as well as writing.
Learn more about how we work with young people
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Questions for the 2021 Cultures Advisory Council? Get in touch!
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February 23, 2021
Webinar – Setting Boundaries: How to Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships with Megan Saxelby
Boundaries are the act of making clear what is ok, what is not ok, and why. Developing this skill is always complicated, and even more so during COVID. However, knowing how to set boundaries is an important act of self-advocacy and the foundation of healthy relationships.
In this webinar we will…
Walk through a Tiny Guide on BoundariesLearn how to create and communicate your boundaries.Get tools and resources to better manage yourself and your relationships.Slide Deck
Resources mentioned
Research and Inspiration Behind the Tiny Guides
How to Talk About The Content of Tiny Guides with Young People
The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker
Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett, PhD
Unlocking Us Podcast Episode Marc Brackett and Brene Brown discuss Permission to Feel
Owning Up Curriculum – Empowering young people to create cultures of dignity, understand their emotions, and build essential skills
Sigal Basade on Emotional Contagion
Recent Posts Webinar – Setting Boundaries: How to Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships with Megan Saxelby Webinar: Life’s Not on Hold – Teens Navigate Missed Milestones The Price of Family Peace is Too High
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February 1, 2021
Webinar: Life’s Not on Hold – Teens Navigate Missed Milestones
The coronavirus response has disrupted the lives of young people in many ways, resulting in missed milestones and opportunities. Life is not “on hold” for teens this year, it’s still moving forward. How are young people finding ways to cope with the disappointments and tangible setbacks? How are teens taking care of their well-being during the pandemic?
On Jan. 28, 2021, Colorado Public Radio’s Avery Lill hosted a discussion with and for teens who shared their experiences, as part of a live, virtual event with licensed therapist and school counselor Feliz Fraser, and Rosalind Wiseman, a teen mental health advocate and author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, to explore solutions for navigating these unprecedented losses.
The event was co-produced by Call to Mind, American Public Media’s initiative to foster new conversations about mental health and Colorado Public Radio as part of the Well Beings Campaign and The Youth Mental Health Project, presented by WETA.
Recent Posts Webinar: Life’s Not on Hold – Teens Navigate Missed Milestones The Price of Family Peace is Too High Webinar: Back to School – Managing Frustrations and Emotions
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January 27, 2021
The Price of Family Peace is Too High
As always we asked our teen editorial advisors to review this article. This time we included some of their direct quotes.
The Price of Family Peace is Too High
Sixteen year old Macie wants to talk to her extended family in Wyoming about racism and the recent political upheaval. But she’s worried. Sometimes I want to speak out but I find myself the only one in the room with the differing opinion. It’s really difficult to know when it is worth it to have the conversation. I was with my family and they were all saying explicitly racist things and I didn’t know how to speak up. And am I asking my dad for permission to talk about these things with my family or do I need his support? And then what would that support look like?
No matter what the family’s politics are, for generations we have depended on the strategy of We don’t talk about money, religion or politics as a way to keep the family peace. When tensions escalate among people who love each other, or at least are supposed to get along, avoiding difficult conversations can feel like the only option to escape painful and possibly permanent inter-family rifts.
But the impact of that intention comes at a high price: silencing people with less power in the family hierarchy and not role modeling for the younger generation how to have contentious, challenging conversations while maintaining relationships.
Meanwhile, from COVID and quarantines to the survival of our democracy, young people are desperate to understand and process the events taking place around them and find adults they can rely on.
I think it is especially difficult given the reality of quarantine. So many family units have had to remain in extremely close proximity to one another during the course of an incredibly tumultuous political year. Work and school do not allow us to disengage from news and media nearly as much as they did pre-pandemic. People need a place to give their thoughts air, and it is imperative in our current circumstances to make households a safer and more acceptable place to do so. -Tre, 21
We get so caught up in “trying to keep the family peace” that it stifles our innate yearning to know more about what interests us. Personally, the stress and anxiety of a family dynamic uproot my critical thinking abilities and free thought because I don’t want to add any more stress to my life as a teenager. But, this strips me of my genuine desire to learn and be more in tune with myself—skills that I think everyone and myself included need to have for a richer life. – Madelyn, 16
It’s ironic and damaging that so many young people don’t feel comfortable or are forbidden from talking to adults in the two places that would be most natural for them to do so; with their families and teachers.
How do young people feel about not talking to adults?We asked young people we work with to share their feelings about talking politics with adults.
When I was younger, because conversations with my family were usually very charged, when I approached other people to have conversations – specifically adults- my arguments were either instinctively aggressive in order to be heard or nonexistent because I thought “Why bother?” – Gabi, 20
I crave meaningful conversations with the adults in my life, but too often they dismiss what I say and refuse to see things from my point of view. Even though I am not technically “equals” with the adults in my life, I should be considered as such when talking about important matters. In school, politics are almost taboo, so many teachers are afraid of being punished that any real conversation is impossible. – Micah, 18
In many conversations with adults, I find myself trying so hard to make my language as palatable as possible to ensure that I don’t face repercussions from a misunderstanding. It’s far more about prioritizing their comfort over my dignity because that is what I need to do to keep myself emotionally safe. – Sara, 18
How do we transform the silence, anger and misunderstanding?
We start with a few principles. These principles are beliefs that guide our decisions and actions.
Acknowledge the other person’s dignity. When we feel seen and acknowledged in a disagreement, we don’t feel under attack.
If I am wrong talking to an adult in a discussion, it is because my experiences had blinded me to the ones of others, which happens to everyone a lot. But in a safe discussion, I don’t feel the need to get defensive, because my dignity is not under attack, and neither is my experience. – Sara, 18
Listening is being prepared to be changed by what you hear. You don’t have to agree but you have to approach the conversation with that belief in your heart and mind.
Ask curious questions as opposed to non-curious questions. Curious questions show in your tone and words that you want to understand the other person’s perspective better. Non- curious questions show in your tone and words that you are more interested in showing that they are wrong or naive then you are understanding what they are trying to communicate.
Activating curiosity when we are listening to each other is the key to learning and strengthening our connection to each other
Committing to treat each other with dignity, recognizing each person’s inherent worth no matter their age or position, is a foundation for their interactions.
Believing and remembering in the moment that challenging conversations give us the opportunity to learn from each other and strengthen our understanding of each other’s perspective and life experience. We don’t have conversations to win arguments and dominate others. If that’s our goal we have already lost.
What do we concretely do in hard conversations with young people?If a young person cites something they are reading, ask to read it as well. If they ask you to read or watch something, do it and then talk to them about it.
Challenge yourself to admit the assumptions you have about young people and ask yourself where those assumptions are coming from.
Don’t focus on proving they’re wrong. Just as the case with you, a young person doesn’t have to have countless reasons to back up their argument or perspective.
Commit to continuing to learn and asking curious questions. Young people are truly growing up in a different world than you did. Listening to them first before you give them advice can transform your relationships. Hold yourself responsible for asking non-curious questions. If you catch yourself asking one, take a pause, remember to get curious and reframe the question by saying, Tell me more…Help me understand why this is so important to you…
Be vulnerable with a young person. It’s actually the way to gain real authority with a young person; especially the ones you are closest to. When a young person says something that makes you uncomfortable, ask yourself why, and what you would be giving up if that statement was true.
Recognize the power imbalance: Young people don’t talk to adults because of fear that adults will react badly and somehow punish the young person if their power is challenged.
Go easy on people, hard on ideas. Young people may be misinformed or wrong about things, that’s okay. Being harsh or argumentative to them will immediately shut down the chance of a positive, meaningful exchange.
If you can take these steps, you will transform your conversations with young people, you will role model civil dialogue, personal accountability, and what listening and learning truly looks like. That is what connects young people to families. When they see it in public, it connects them to their larger communities.
Families built on allowing people to dominate and silence others only leads to fractured people and weak family relationships. Families build on recognizing each other’s dignity builds a foundation for individual emotional wellness; the best a family can ever hope to be. As Sara and Madelyn say,
Tell us why you disagree. We can handle it. But do it by asking us questions and being clear that you are looking forward to our conversation because you want to hear what we think and how we are observing the world. – Sara
Emotional wellness is so important for teens now because it is the one thing most of us lack with everything changing while we’re growing—a family dynamic at least striving for this goal would change the lives of so many young people, even the smallest effort and acknowledgments can turn around a how a teen might feel about themself. – Madelyn
We have arrived at this moment, no matter one’s politics, that we must turn to each other and have the courage to share what we feel, and be open to accepting how we got to where we are. We must work with young people to rebuild the civility and emotional wellbeing of our communities.
Recent Posts The Price of Family Peace is Too High Webinar: Back to School – Managing Frustrations and Emotions What Will Your Phone Convince You Of Next? Resolving To Reclaim Our Own Futures In The New Year Join our newsletter, Communiquette!
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January 20, 2021
Webinar: Back to School – Managing Frustrations and Emotions
Join internationally recognized author and educator, Rosalind Wiseman and Cultures of Dignity’s Carey Goldstein for a live webinar on managing the transition of our kids going back to school this winter. All of the schedule changes this year have been frustrating and the school year has felt inconsistent but it isn’t a lost year. It is easy to get frustrated when things aren’t working out the way you want them to but we don’t get a redo and we can’t avoid these changes, we need to adapt.
In this webinar we will….
Define and discuss a Tiny Guide on Frustration PointsGive strategies to respond to frustration points: adaptation vs avoidanceLearn an activity to learn to let go of what we can and cannot control.Resources mentioned
How to Talk About The Content of Tiny Guides with Young People
The Social Dilemma Documentary on Netflix
What Will Your Phone Convince You Of Next? Resolving To Reclaim Our Own Futures In The New Year — Writer of The Social Dilemma, Vickie Curtis, shares her experience working on the film and a resolution for the New Year.
Navigating Politics with Dignity in the New Decade Initiative — Lessons, articles, and resources
Recent Posts Webinar: Back to School – Managing Frustrations and Emotions What Will Your Phone Convince You Of Next? Resolving To Reclaim Our Own Futures In The New Year Expert Tips For Navigating The Emotional Landmines Of Remote Learning
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January 4, 2021
What Will Your Phone Convince You Of Next? Resolving To Reclaim Our Own Futures In The New Year
What Will Your Phone Convince You Of Next?
Resolving To Reclaim Our Own Futures In The New Year
By Vickie Curtis, Writer of The Social Dilemma
2020 has been a trying time, at best. You know this, so there is no need to regale you with the many ways the year took a toll on our families, our Well-Being, or our social fabric, our cultures of dignity. Suffice it to say, 2020 was harrrrrd.
One bright spot for me unfolded way back in January. A film I’d been working on for two years had its big premiere at the Sundance Film Festival. For the premiere, I went to Park City, Utah with the creative team and film producers, and I took my seat in the audience. Hundreds of people buzzed around with excitement, about to watch what we had made. I wrapped my coat around my hips and across my lap, making myself a little movie-watching nest. The theatre lights hadn’t yet dimmed, so I glanced around, clocking how many of my fellow audience members were on their phones. The vast majority were clutching their phones—taking photos, texting, tweeting, liking. I smiled. This group of users (myself included) was about to be the first audience for The Social Dilemma.
Making this film changed my life, and I hoped that seeing it could change the lives of those in the audience. Working as a writer on the project, I’d been talking for years about the exposition, the rising action, and the resolution of the story. I like to think of the resolution as the Re-Solution. The molecules of the world have been rearranged by the action of the story, and now there is a new normal. By the time the film winds its way to the resolution, the characters in the story, (in this case, that’s us—the users of technology who scroll, snap, text, post, like, follow, email, google, swipe, and share) we have gone through an ordeal, we’ve had a revelation, and we’ve witnessed the consequences of our actions. But at the end of The Social Dilemma, we really don’t have a resolution. The characters (again, that’s us) have not yet slain the dragon and saved themselves.
I guess I’m saying that we are still stuck in the ordeal, right smack in the middle of the story. We still live with giant technology companies that have accumulated more power and more wealth than any other companies in human history. They still only make money by selling access to our minds. They profit if they grow, and they grow by designing addictive platforms to keep us checking back often. The platform is not designed to serve us any more than a mouse trap is designed to serve cheese to mice. Between tasty morsels from our social networks, they slip in ads, articles, “sponsored content” to persuade us and manipulate our behavior according to the whim of the highest bidder. Sometimes the highest bidder is a sneaker company, and sometimes it’s a political extremist group. Even if you’ve signed off these platforms for good, 3.7 billion of the people you share the planet with are still jacked into this system, consuming a steady diet of misinformation, and vanity/anger/anxiety-promoting content.
MISINFORMATION and DISINFORMATION and turning PEOPLE into BRANDS and calling them “INFLUENCERS!”
It’s all contributing to the unraveling of our democracies and the erosion of truth. We are more confused, more misled, more angry, more fearful, more addicted, more distracted, and more helpless.
We’re in quite the mess, so what do we do?
I wish that sharing the film with thousands of people at Sundance and millions more via Netflix, was enough to vanquish the dragon and deliver a new solution. But short of The Social Dilemma offering a resolution, I hope it ignites your resolve.
There is something exciting about being slapped awake and forced to reconsider life-as-usual. (And if we can be grateful to 2020 for anything, it’s that slap.) People come alive when they let new information shake up their daily existence, when they abandon comfortable routines and choose to fight for a better world. As a storyteller, I’m reminded of this all the time. Heroes and heroines who disrupt oppressive power-structures by seeking out humanity in themselves and in others, they have the fullest lives. Thus, when we talk about what we can do about runaway tech, I’m not going to tell you to moderate your social media usage with time limit apps, or to leave your phone out of the bedroom when you sleep, because it’s not that simple, and frankly, it’s not that boring.
Photo Credit: The Social Dilemma
Instead, I’ll offer this: Join me. Join the folks you meet in The Social Dilemma, like Tristan, and Shoshana, and Justin, and Rashida. Join that punk kid at your school who refuses to have a phone. No one actually slays the dragon by themselves, so it’s going to take a lot of us working together, working apart, working everywhere, in lots and lots and lots of different ways, to slay the dragon and save ourselves.
I deleted Instagram and Facebook from my phone because they started to disgust me. Baby step. I’m replacing some Google platforms with tools like DuckDuckGo, Dropbox, and a good old-fashioned weekly planner. Baby step. I’m talking to people in D.C. about sharing The Social Dilemma with policymakers. Another baby step. I’m writing to you to remind you that it’s actually more exciting to live life off-screen. I bought good winter boots, so that I’d actually go outside this winter, and I’m finding likeminded people in my neighborhood, promoting front stoop interactions over tech-mediated interactions.
Sounds hard? Well, we stand to lose our critical thinking skills and our free will if we don’t. So let’s start building an alternative, shall we? Put down your phone and teach your little sister to do a cartwheel. Learn piano. Invite your neighbor to play socially-distanced ice hockey. Petition your school administrators for a smarter technology policy. Instead of passively scrolling, research the Attention-Extraction Business Model and its harms at TheSocialDilemma.com, then tell someone what you learned. Talk to your friends about finding ways to connect that don’t involve manipulative surveillance entities like Instagram or YouTube. (Remember, not all technology operates within this advertising business model, so some technologies are less harmful than others.) Make weird art instead of selfies. Go to law school and then change the law. Write a letter to your Senator. Write a letter to your Grandma. If your Grandma is a Senator, then definitely writer her a letter. You get the point. Start somewhere. Talk to powerful people and let them know you have a problem with “business-as-usual.” Talk to me, talk to each other, and let’s hatch a plan.
This year, let’s all drop the busy work, the doomscrolling, the TikTokkery. Let’s stop clutching our phones like zombies and focus on work that nourishes us. Surveillance Capitalism and the Attention-Extraction Business Model are no good for humanity. Like any good hero’s journey, it won’t always be easy or clear what to do next, but most important is our resolve. Let’s start by deciding to do better, and together we can create something new.
Recent Posts
What Will Your Phone Convince You Of Next? Resolving To Reclaim Our Own Futures In The New Year
Expert Tips For Navigating The Emotional Landmines Of Remote Learning
Family Action Network Webinar: Distance Learning Playbook with Rosalind Wiseman & Charlie Kuhn
About The Author
Vickie Curtis is a filmmaker, writer, and story architect with over a decade of experience adapting true stories for the stage and screen. She seeks stories that subvert the dominant narrative and reveal the transformational and nourishing power of artistic expression. She is the writer of the Emmy-winning Netflix Original film Chasing Coral, as well as The Social Dilemma, also on Netflix. Additional writing and story architecture credits include Frame By Frame (SXSW), The Weight of Water (Prime Video), Anbessa (Berlinale), and Classic (Denver Film). Comparsa, her upcoming directorial debut, is the story of two lion-hearted teenage sisters using circus arts and theatre to combat violence and discrimination in one of Guatemala’s “red zone” neighborhoods. Vickie earned her MFA from Naropa University and currently resides in Colorado.
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December 7, 2020
Expert Tips For Navigating The Emotional Landmines Of Remote Learning
This was originally posted on CPR News here.
Expert Tips For Navigating The Emotional Landmines Of Remote Learning
Thanksgiving Break is over and many Colorado students are back in school — from makeshift classrooms in their homes.
It’s a tough thing for kids who’re stuck in front of their screens all day, for parents trying to help them, and for teachers.
Educational consultant Rosalind Wiseman of Boulder offers tips on navigating the emotional landmines of remote learning in her new book, “The Distance Learning Playbook for Parents.”
Listen to Rosalind Wiseman on CPR
What parents should expect of themselves right now.
“Sanity … and patience for ourselves and for our children. A dash, a combination of self-compassion is really important.”
Parents don’t have to be teachers.
Work on keeping your student’s creativity and love of learning alive.
Don’t compare your family to others.
Even before the pandemic parents went overboard with social media posts that made their families look perfect and made their kids worry about matching the myth. Work on strengthening your relationship with your children, managing your own emotions and helping them manage theirs.
Your kids are worried about you.
They may try and shield you from their problems. Sit your child down, acknowledge how tough things are for everybody and let them know you’re always there for them. Don’t be too intense with them though, because that can be scary.
Give teachers grace, and hold them accountable.
Like everybody, teachers are struggling “so there’s a little bit of grace that we want to give teachers, and there’s a line between holding grace for people and holding them accountable when your child is learning is suffering and when they’re disengaging or when they feel incredibly frustrated. ”
Get as much information as you can before you think the worst of the teacher and don’t let your child know if there’s a disagreement.
Take a break from family.
Parents should make a point of communicating with somebody other than their spouse and kids at least once a day.
Help your child feel less self-conscious.
Their faces are on screen all day and kids, especially at middle school age, worry a lot about how they look. Help them set a routine so they take care of their appearance in the morning and feel good about themselves.
Recent Posts
Expert Tips For Navigating The Emotional Landmines Of Remote Learning
Family Action Network Webinar: Distance Learning Playbook with Rosalind Wiseman & Charlie Kuhn
How to create distance learning family success
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Family Action Network Webinar: Distance Learning Playbook with Rosalind Wiseman & Charlie Kuhn
As parents navigating a constantly changing environment, the one thing we know is certain is the relationship with our children. Rosalind will use her brand new publication The Distance Learning Playbook for Parents to give parents concrete skills to support the social, emotional, and educational needs of our children.
Emotional well-being and social skills directly impact young people’s education while they are virtual or hybrid learning. But these skills are not “soft skills;” they are essential for young people so they can engage in their education, and become responsible and positive members of a community.
This webinar hosted by Family Action Network will cover…
Developing tools to create healthy routines to support young people’s academics and emotional well-being
How to help parents guide children as they navigate their friendships online
Helping parents set appropriate limits around screen time while supporting children’s friendships online.
Concrete skills to increase family communication; especially in times of conflict or anxiety
Resources mentioned
Blah Blah: What to Do When Words Don’t Work, by Dan Roam
Harvard Business Review article about the “Cynefin Framework”
Recent Posts
Expert Tips For Navigating The Emotional Landmines Of Remote Learning
Family Action Network Webinar: Distance Learning Playbook with Rosalind Wiseman & Charlie Kuhn
How to create distance learning family success
Get the Cultures of Dignity Newsletter
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November 30, 2020
How to create distance learning family success
This article originally appeared in the Pittsburgh Parent here.
How to create distance learning family success
Co-authors of this piece: Rosalind Wiseman author THE DISTANCE LEARNING PLAYBOOK FOR PARENTS with Cultures of Dignity Editorial Advisors: Jacey Fischer, Radhika Khemka, Rene Essel, and Jake Chang
With COVID 19 surging around the world, the only thing certain right about being a parent is uncertainty. Your children’s school may have started out 100% virtual, then went hybrid and now may be returning back to entirely online, or not. It’s enough to try the patience of even the most level headed parent and kids.
No doubt what we are going through is hard but we do have some control over our reactions and the better we manage our emotions the better our children will feel as well. To help you, here are some suggestions to support your child’s learning and family’s well-being.
Remember our emotions are real, and they can change
Emotions, like anxiety and anger, are powerful experiences. We can manage them better if we remember that how we feel doesn’t have to be permanent. Just knowing that, can reduce our anxiety.
Get specific
Instead of saying, “I’m so stressed!” get specific. Is it sorrow? Fear? Discomfort? When we expand our emotional granularity, we have more control, agency, and clarity to our experiences. Another strategy is to be curious about how the emotion physically feels in our body and name the sensations. This helps us have more distance and control. This isn’t just for you. Your child can use the same strategy to help them in difficult moments as well; now and for the rest of their lives.
Encourage our child’s love of learning and be proud of their accomplishments
While you want to stay away from only praising good grades, it really matters when a parent shows they are proud of their child’s hard work, creativity, and getting better at something they have struggled with in the past.
Communicate with grace
If your child is frustrated with a teacher, don’t assume the worst and remember that your child may have forgotten to tell you something. Above all, don’t send an angry email in all CAPITALS. Before you reach out, follow the communication guidelines the teacher created. You can begin your email by stating your understanding of the teacher’s expectations, describing your child’s experience and then requesting a process where you all can work together to address the problem.
Manage our social media
How do we do this when we are on screens all the time? Devorah Heitner advises separating tech and social media into three areas; connecting, creating, and consuming.
Connecting is about maintaining important relationships like when your child FaceTimes with their grandparents or plays multiplayer video games with their friends.
Creating is about the amazing things kids can create using technology like TikTok dances, art, and music.
Consuming is when we scroll through Instagram and Youtube and when we look up two hours have passed.
The first two are good to do within reason–we think 90 minutes total on top of being online for school is ideal. The last one, “consuming” should be avoided as much as possible because while we’re mindlessly scrolling, we are negatively impacted; like comparing ourselves to others and being targeted by ads and “news” that increases our anxiety.
Take eye-ball breaks
Scheduling regular tech breaks for everyone in the family helps everyone stay sane. It is also exhausting to stare at yourself all day, every day. During online classes, your child may feel self-conscious looking at themselves during their school zoom calls. Teach your child how to turn off the self-view feature so they don’t have to look at themselves during class but can still have their camera on to participate.
Create and maintain a healthy routine
Routine is what it’s all about! But what kind of routine? There are five things that make people happy; even in really tough times. A sense of purpose, a hope of success, meaningful social connection, fulfilling work, and a place to process and find peace. If you base a routine around these five concepts, a schedule will more easily fall into place. What does that look like? Every person needs a sense of purpose to drive their days. If we don’t, the days mesh together and lose their meaning. We also need a place, however small, to work; ideally, for our kids, that isn’t in their bed. And every person needs a way to begin and end the day having a place to process and find peace (so that means no screens an hour before people go to sleep is paramount! )
Avoid platitudes and listen.
When our children are upset and we respond with, “You’ll get through this!” “Don’t worry!” we may mean well but these responses don’t make them feel better. Instead, really listen to our kids–be prepared to be changed by what you hear–and then say something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but thank you for telling me. This is a hard time but we will get through this by doing exactly what we’re doing now. Talking to each other and supporting each other. That’s how this is going to be ok.”
Yes, these are difficult and messy times. However, getting through them with grace and trying our best to manage ourselves will strengthen our relationships with our children and give them the sense of comfort and security they need.
The Distance Learning Playbook for Parents outlines supportive strategies for navigating virtual environments to ensure effective and impactful learning that aligns the needs and expectations of teachers, parents, and students alike.
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