Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 9
July 13, 2020
Advice from a Student: Making Everyone Feel Safe and Acknowledged in the Classroom
About the Author: I’m Sara Davis, an incoming senior in high school from Colorado. I’m an intern with Cultures of Dignity. In this blog series, I am using the tools I learned, along with my own experiences to show how dignity creates a healthy classroom culture.
Advice from a Student: Making Everyone Feel Safe and Acknowledged in the Classroom
By Sara Davis
Young people have diverse needs, but we’re often told that they are secondary to the wishes of people in positions of respect, or that those people know what is good for us. This post outlines, from the student perspective, why safety and acknowledgement are necessary in the classroom.
Many educators begin the school year by saying things like “I’m always here for you, let me know what I can do”, or old adages like “What happens here stays here” and “My door is always open”. Most teachers recognize how much time students dedicate to school, and want us to feel successful and safe in the classroom. But saying these things don’t make students feel safe, or at ease right away. It’s important to go further, because safety comes from the norms set in the classroom and your actions. So be mindful of the small things that may make a student feel unsafe.
I had a teacher who never gave extra time for tests because she gave the entire period for a 15-20 question test. In their mind this was fair, because everyone had the same amount of time to take the test. But this didn’t work for my friend with dyslexia, who had to go back through the test two or three times to make sure she was solving for the correct angle, since the angles were labeled with letters and she often mixed them up. My friend took all honors classes, so she was never comfortable asking for help or extra time for fear no one believed her. My friend didn’t feel safe enough to advocate for her needs, and was under the impression that those needs wouldn’t be acknowledged anyway. Our school system also can’t help students like my friend, who don’t have an IEP because of late diagnosis, or parents who don’t want their children to experience bias due to a label. Her story isn’t uncommon, plenty of students I know have similar experiences. No teacher gets up in the morning intending to exclude students like my friend. If educators use the Elements of Dignity as the foundation of their classroom, everyone becomes more aware of what they can do to
In addition to increased awareness, the Elements of Dignity help you structure better class conversations because they put the needs of others first. We are going to focus on safety and acknowledgement first.
1. Element of Dignity: Safety
Put people at ease at two levels: physically, so they feel safe from bodily harm, and psychologically, so they feel safe from being humiliated. Help them feel free to speak without fear of retribution.
2. Element of Dignity: Acknowledgement
Give people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating, and responding to their concerns, feelings, and experiences.
Let the young people in the room set the expectations. What makes me feel acknowledged and safe is very different than what others may need. As an adult it’s important to make sure the environment works for everyone- not just the people who look and think like you do. Having a proactive plan in a classroom means everyone can set their boundaries and feel like they are being treated with dignity. Every set of norms can be different, but here are my recommendations that have helped me and my peers feel safe and acknowledged:
Involve students, they are partners in their education.
Go directly to the students and ask: What do you want to learn, and talk about? Why? What are your goals surrounding the class, or the conversation? Are you worried or nervous about the class? Why?
Don’t “cold call”.
When educators ask questions to students they think may not be paying attention, or haven’t been sufficiently participating, it makes all the students feel like the teacher wants to catch students being “bad” and embarrass them. No one feels safe when there is a constant possibility of humiliation. This teaching strategy can also place an unfair burden on students from marginalized groups, who may find themselves in a position of speaking for a whole group.
Discuss barriers to participation.
Ask students to come up with a list of reasons why they may not participate, and brainstorm ways you can help them overcome those barriers. This can be questions about if they prefer to work alone or in groups, as well as if they like to write their thoughts down instead of discussing them out loud. You can collect this information privately in a google form, or discussion board.
Discuss “rules” and what to do if a discussion or activity gets out of hand.
Can students doodle? Be on technology? Leave the room if they are uncomfortable? Where would they go if they leave that is in accordance with the school’s rules AND makes the student feel respected? What does “out of hand” mean for your students? What happens when the “rules” are broken?
Be open to feedback.
Create a system for students to anonymously tell you if someone said or did something to make them feel unsafe, or that they weren’t acknowledged and valued; including anyone teaching them. Include an ask for how they would like it handled. I know personally that I trust the teachers that can apologize, it makes me and my peers feel that our concerns are acknowledged. This system can be on paper, or an anonymous google form/discussion board.
Model what you expect of your students. For better and worse, students talk to each other about their personal experiences with a certain teacher, administrator, etc. The tips I gave encourage students to be vulnerable about their experiences with you. So be vulnerable with them. Talk about yourself and your experiences, and learn from the discussions you have in your classroom. Everyone is a part of the classroom, and so everyone must work together to create the culture that best works for them.
Recent Posts
Advice from a Student: Making Everyone Feel Safe and Acknowledged in the Classroom
Webinar: How To Be An Ally Part 2
Teens weren’t joking around when they tanked President Trump’s Tulsa rally
This is part of the Navigating Politics with Dignity in the New Decade series.
Read Megan Saxelby’s blog on Safety and Acknowledgment for the educator’s perspective:
How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity
Join the Navigating Politics with Dignity in the New Decade mailing list to receive the rest of the series on the dignity framework directly to your inbox.
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July 3, 2020
Webinar: How To Be An Ally Part 2
Two weeks ago, we, Shanterra and Rosalind, met to have a conversation about race, privilege, and what it means to be an ally. This wasn’t an uncommon conversation for us, but it was different because we invited you to be a part of it.
And we are so grateful that you joined us! We received great feedback, critiques, and requests to continue what we started. So, we decided to come together again to answer questions received from you, the participants.
Questions like…
What does being a successful ally look like if I am in a mostly white community and my friends are majority my demographic in age, race, money etc?
If someone takes offense at something I say, how do I follow up to make it better?
If I see someone else say something I think is racist but the person of color it is directed to doesn’t say anything about it, do I bring it up? How?
It seems like people can’t make one mistake, even if they have good intentions, without other people attacking them and thinking the worst of them. People make mistakes. How do we deal with this?
How do you teach dignity in a school and work culture?
How do you keep any semblance of a relationship with an immediate family member when you’ve had the fights and the arguments and have previously said “ok, agree to disagree”. How do you go back and say “no- that’s not enough…”
You don’t have to have attended the first one to watch this one. But if you want to you can watch the first one here!
The video above is a re-record of the original conversation. We did not hit ‘record’ on the live conversation and decided to record another conversation with the same questions.
Resources mentioned
The Bluest Eyes by Toni Morrison
Ta-Nehisi Coates on using the N-word
Dr. Maya Angelou and Dave Chappelle on The N-Word
More about Shanterra McBride and Marvelous University
Tiny Guides on core social and emotional concepts
How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity
Cultures of Dignity and Shanterra McBride are supporting HYPE Freedom School, a wonderful non-profit that serves children and families in Houston. If you would like to join their efforts, you can donate here.
Anti-Racism Resources
What to watch
When They See Us – Netflix
13th – Netflix
If Beale Street Could Talk – Hulu
Trevor Noah talks about the complexity of what is happening the US
What to read
Articles
The 1619 Project – New York Times Magazine
How to Make this Moment the Turning Point for Real Change – Barack Obama for Medium
Death of George Floyd In Context – The New Yorker
You shouldn’t need a Harvard degree to survive birdwatching while black – by 17-year-old Samuel Getachew for Washington Post
Books
Between the World and Me by Tah-Nehisi Coates
I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown
White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo, PhD
So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
What to listen to
1619 – The New York Times
Pod Save The People – Crooked Media
Code Switch – NPR
Other
Donate to a bail fund
Check out this comprehensive list compiled by Black activists
Support black owned businesses in your community
Make sure your voter registration is updated
Tiny Guides on Dignity
Recent Posts
Webinar: How To Be An Ally Part 2
Teens weren’t joking around when they tanked President Trump’s Tulsa rally
Webinar: Dignity and Your Relationships
Get the Cultures of Dignity Newsletter
Email:*
The post Webinar: How To Be An Ally Part 2 appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
June 26, 2020
Teens weren’t joking around when they tanked President Trump’s Tulsa rally
By Rosalind Wiseman & Megan Saxelby
As soon as the Trump campaign tweeted on June 11th about tickets being available for the campaign’s political rally in Tulsa, the “prank” began. Within days young people were reserving seats for the event that they never intended to use.
If you believe the headlines, young people were just joking around when they sabotaged President Trump’s Tulsa rally, the first political event of the election season. But it wasn’t only a prank. President Trump was upended by young people and, specifically fans of K-Pop, who leveraged social media platforms like TikTok to mobilize, organize, and challenge the political systems, and specifically this President, who many young people perceive as disrespectful, racist, and indifferent to the real problems our country faces.
But why this rally? Why now? Why Tulsa? Because these young people understood the symbolism of the date and place. Ninety nine years ago, the “Black Wall Street” of Tulsa was destroyed by white Tulsans in one of the most violent attacks against a black community in United States history. Over 35 blocks were burned to the ground and over 300 people killed. Successful black businesses were destroyed forever. And even though this tragedy is not taught in the standard United States history class, enough young people have educated themselves about it and would not tolerate what they perceived as yet another act of this President’s intentional disrespect to the black community.
And these young people’s actions were successful. According to the Tulsa fire department, of the 19,000 seats only 6200 were filled at the Tulsa rally.
But the headlines that followed demonstrate the adult assumption that young people’s participation in politics can be reduced to a punchline or clickbait, primarily because they used an app that many adults dismiss as yet another vacuous social media outlet.
And that would be a mistake. There is an important shift in political power happening right now because young people are smart, tactical, and savvy. We only have to look at the young leaders of Black Lives Matter and Climate Change, like Sunrise Movement, to see that young people are strategic, serious and ready to hold adults and the institutions they represent accountable.
Yet, when we dismiss their effective political organizing or creative use of technology as only a “prank”, we send the message that institutions, and adults by extension, do not value young people’s contributions or think they are a constituency to respect.
We also disregard the legacy of humor and satire as effective tools to combat oppression and ignore social media as one of the most significant ways young people find their voice, recognition, and community, things they are not regularly offered in our larger political conversations.
Young people are fed up. Fed up with institutional racism in their education and legal systems. Fed up with climate inaction. Fed up with expectations that they show respect to adults who use their positions of authority to get away with regularly disrespecting others.
As people who work with teens, we get it. When it comes to teens, people have strong feelings, and many of them tend to be negative. They’re on technology too much. They’re self-obsessed. They all have attitude problems. Every movie, book, and TV show about adolescence portrays it as a terrible, non-stop gauntlet of horrors to survive before moving on to the safety and joy of adulthood.
This deficit model we put on young people sets them up to struggle, to feel ignored, and feel antagonistic towards adults and the systems we represent.
What if we shifted the way we talked about, thought about, and viewed teens? What if we took them and their concerns seriously? What if we stood up to other adults, especially adults in positions of power, who mock and dismiss young people’s thoughts and opinions?
In the past, we haven’t spoken up and our silence is noticed. We, the adults, either look like we agree with the bullies, or are too intimidated or incompetent to stand up to them ourselves.
Isn’t it ironic that the people who may be the most effective at holding our political leaders accountable for their bad behavior are the ones who are dismissed as narcissistic, politically apathetic, and superficial? Imagine if the headlines read, “Young Activists Leverage Social Media To Demonstrate Their Political Power.” We ignore them, their actions, and their agenda to our collective detriment and peril.
Rosalind Wiseman is a thought leader and bestselling author of “ Queen Bees & Wannabees ,” the book that inspired the hit movie and musical “Mean Girls,” “ Masterminds & Wingmen ”, as well as “ Owning Up: Empowering Adolescents to Confront Social Cruelty, Bullying, and Injustice ,” a new curriculum for middle and high school students. She is the founder of Cultures of Dignity and lives in Colorado with her husband and two children. Follow her on Twitter at Cultures of Dignity
Megan Saxelby is a middle and high school educator whose expertise is in dignity, social emotional learning, and creating programming that prioritizes the development of emotional intelligence and prosocial critical thinking. Her work combines research in neuroscience, conflict resolution, and social responsibility to create cultures of dignity.
Recent Posts
Teens weren’t joking around when they tanked President Trump’s Tulsa rally
Webinar: Dignity and Your Relationships
Webinar: What Does Being An Ally Look Like?
The post Teens weren’t joking around when they tanked President Trump’s Tulsa rally appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
Webinar: Dignity and Your Relationships
Dignity, recognizing the worth of every being, is a guiding principle that can profoundly change our sense of self and our relationships. Dignity is the foundation of social and emotional skills and essential for all of us to thrive and succeed. However, we are rarely taught the power of dignity or the skills to put dignity into practice. But we can learn them and in doing so transform ourselves and our relationships. Using dignity provides a meaningful foundation for emotional intelligence.
During this webinar you will…
Learn what dignity is by walking through a Tiny Guide on Dignity
Learn how to practice emotional intelligence in your life and relationships
Walk away with a deeper understanding of why emotions are complicated and how to manage your reactions to others
Resources
Elements of Dignity Tiny Guide
How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity
Explore all the Tiny Guides
Recent Posts
Webinar: Dignity and Your Relationships
Webinar: What Does Being An Ally Look Like?
How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity: Part 1
The post Webinar: Dignity and Your Relationships appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
June 19, 2020
Webinar: What Does Being An Ally Look Like?
Are you Ok? Can I send you flowers? Can I make you a meal?
These all seem like such nice things to say. Words of condolence.
But those well-intentioned words often come across differently to your Black friends when we are reckoning with racism in the United States as most of us have not seen in our lifetime. It puts them in the position of feeling they have to take care of you.
Why are we talking about this? We are two women who for over two decades have worked to give young people a voice and worked within institutions to challenge systems of oppression. Sometimes side by side, sometimes apart, always supportive.
We are two women who know how important it is for women to trust and support each other while at the same time we acknowledge the legacy of racism that includes White women’s participation in Black people’s oppression to this day.
In this live conversation, we will discuss:
How to have hard conversations about race and privilege
How the history of Black women’s anger is used to derail conversations between women that could otherwise be really productive
How to hold space for someone when you can’t relate to their experience or you have little to no education on having these conversations
How to participate in anti-racist work authentically when the media stops talking about it
Resources mentioned
To continue your learning and the content we covered in today’s webinar, check out a free Tiny Guide on Productive Discomfort and the rest of our Tiny Guides on core social-emotional concepts.
Cultures of Dignity and Shanterra McBride are supporting HYPE Freedom School, a wonderful non-profit that serves children and families in Houston. If you would like to join their efforts, you can donate here.
Anti-Racism Resources
What to watch
When They See Us – Netflix
13th – Netflix
If Beale Street Could Talk – Hulu
Trevor Noah talks about the complexity of what is happening the US
What to read
Articles
The 1619 Project – New York Times Magazine
How to Make this Moment the Turning Point for Real Change – Barack Obama for Medium
Death of George Floyd In Context – The New Yorker
You shouldn’t need a Harvard degree to survive birdwatching while black – by 17-year-old Samuel Getachew for Washington Post
Books
Between the World and Me by Tah-Nehisi Coates
I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown
White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo, PhD
So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
What to listen to
1619 – The New York Times
Pod Save The People – Crooked Media
Code Switch – NPR
Other
Donate to a bail fund
Check out this comprehensive list compiled by Black activists
Support black owned businesses in your community
Make sure your voter registration is updated
Tiny Guides on Dignity
Recent Posts
Webinar: What Does Being An Ally Look Like?
How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity: Part 1
Meet Emma! Cultures of Dignity Intern
Get the Cultures of Dignity Newsletter!
Email:*
The post Webinar: What Does Being An Ally Look Like? appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
June 17, 2020
How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity
A bit about this resource and the author: I am a 37 year old white woman who specializes in using dignity to navigate conflict and create healthy culture. I was a middle and high school educator for 13 years and now create tools for Cultures of Dignity. While this dignity framework resource can be used by anyone, I write from my lived experience and seek to coach those who want to learn how to confront bias in themselves and their communities. As a white woman, I believe my role is to create resources for white people to enhance their prosocial critical thinking. All work below relies heavily on the work of dignity expert Donna Hicks Ph.D.
How to have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity
By Megan Saxelby
For most people, using dignity as a framework to navigate conflict and analyze behavior requires a radical shift in thinking. Instead most people are encouraged to be kind or follow the “golden rule” to treat others as they want to be treated. It’s rare to be taught a framework to understand the motivations guiding our reactions, how we can so easily cause harm to ourselves and others, or how to engage in conflict that preserves each person’s dignity.
Over the coming weeks, our goal is to teach you how to have necessary, hard conversations using the framework of dignity.
What you can expect from this series
To gain a deeper understanding of dignity and why it is essential principle in your interactions with others
To develop skills to have hard conversations
To learn how to use the Elements of Dignity to depersonalize conflict and avoid weaponizing shame so you can achieve your intended outcome
Dignity framework overview
Let’s talk about dignity: What it is, why it matters, and why you need to use it to have productive conversations. Dignity is the inherent worth and value of every human; everyone has it and everyone has the same amount. Dignity is different from respect: dignity is a given, but respect is earned or lost through an individual’s or a group’s choices, actions, and behavior.
Why does this matter? The second we decide that someone’s dignity is negotiable we have opened up psychological distance between people, the idea that there is an us and a them. When we feel psychological distance from others it changes how we see them, what we think we owe them, and how we think we get to treat them.
Practice #1
If you do nothing else after reading this, walk through the next week reminding yourself to use dignity to see others. Every person you come across (family member, grocery clerk, someone on the news, etc) say to yourself, no matter how the interaction goes, your initial reaction to them, or who they are: “We both matter the same amount.” See how that impacts your thinking, reframes your interaction, or just makes you pause.
Basic Dignity facts
Denial of dignity is the root of all conflict. Violations of dignity feel like a threat to our survival. Humans are conditioned to believe that our survival depends on social acceptance. When we don’t feel that acceptance that we matter, we are vulnerable….that means we are all vulnerable to feeling treated as if we don’t matter
When someone violates our dignity, our instinctive, self-protective hard wiring tells us that our safety matters most, not the relationship. That reaction propels us to fight or flee.
Our brains do not know the difference between a physical threat and a psychological threat. Our brains process humiliation the same way it does being punched. Studies show humiliation can actually be more harmful because at least we understand the cause of physical pain. Emotional pain is harder to understand, pinpoint, and explain while causing similar or worse pain.
When we suffer long term wounds of feeling humiliated or diminished, they leave a legacy of pain. Unless attention is paid to the injuries, they can dominate an individual’s or group’s identity. When the identity needs of a group are not met over the long term, reacting with violence becomes a more likely option. Our powerful desire to have our dignity honored drives our need to have our history, experiences, and perspectives recognized.
Shame is incredibly powerful and our brains will do all kinds of gymnastics to avoid being seen as the wrongdoer and to save face. Admitting we caused harm makes us feel really hard emotions or worry we will lose something (moral high ground, relationships, community, sense of self). Self-righteousness has the power to take over our best selves, compromising our ability to see how we justify harming others.
Learning how to shift our responses is 100% our responsibility. Our brains are remarkably capable of building new pathways around old, well-traveled emotional routes. Every human is capable of profound change and human connection is what makes it happen. Empathy is not a passive act, you can choose to connect and shift your perspective. You do not have to experience someone’s pain to understand that someone is in pain.
Practice #2
Every time you get in a conflict, feel shame, feel anger or rage, want to humiliate someone, or get frustrated when someone won’t listen to you, take a break and re-read that list. Ask yourself which bullet point you are struggling with or you think the person you’re trying to talk with is struggling with. Take a deep breath. Use that reflection to help you shift how you are engaging. Try not to just give up. Asking someone to shift how they think is slow work. If you violate their dignity in the process they are going to shut down and stop listening to you
Practice #3
Give the above list to the person you are trying to have a hard conversation with. Ask them what they think about it. Ask them if they can see how items on that list apply to other people, for example someone of a different race or sexual identity.
Here is the hard part
This list applies to everyone and anyone. Someone you feel hatred towards also experiences the full range of human emotions and struggles with the list above. You do not have to respect anyone, respect is earned. You do not have to associate yourself with people who carelessly violate your dignity, you get to protect your emotional and physical safety. You do not have to continue relationships with people who do not recognize your dignity, as the keeper of your own dignity, you get to determine your boundaries. You can pause and remember that we all have dignity and that we are all equally vulnerable feeling like we don’t matter, and that anti-social behavior is usually an indicator that a deep need has not been met.
Using the Essential Elements of Dignity
While there are 10 Elements of Dignity, we are going to focus on two every post so we can fully practice the application of the dignity framework. Feel free to look at all the elements any time.
Why are the Elements key to having hard conversations?
Having shared vocabulary turns conflict into a skill rather than a reflection on character. Telling someone their actions made you feel a lack of safety is a whole lot different than telling someone they are a jerk who clearly doesn’t care about anyone but themselves. The Elements help you name your feelings, get your needs met, and have better relationships.
Hearing feedback that we have hurt someone, or contributed to someone being hurt, is really hard. It is not an excuse, we are responsible for our own actions and their impact; however, having vocabulary to express ourselves can depersonalize the conflict because it does not weaponize shame. It does not of course mean the person will immediately apologize and agree with you, but it increases the chance that they will listen.
One important idea to carry with you into hard conversations: Listening means being prepared to be changed by what you hear. Use the Elements of Dignity because they connect to the human experience and articulate the underlying issues that are fueling the conflict on either side, rather than pointing out character flaws, making personal attacks, or leading with anger.
Let’s jump into the Elements we are covering in this post.
1. Element of Dignity: Safety
Put people at ease at two levels: physically, so they feel safe from bodily harm, and psychologically, so they feel safe from being humiliated. Help them feel free to speak without fear of retribution.
2. Element of Dignity: Acknowledgement
Give people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating, and responding to their concerns, feelings, and experiences.
Using the Elements of Dignity always creates a safe space to have better conversations. In our current polarized political climate, having hard conversations based in dignity framework is more important than ever. Learning to talk with those you disagree with expands your understanding and helps you see more perspectives.
How to use these elements to facilitate conversation and create cognitive empathy
1. The preparation for the conversation
Use the definition of each element to self-reflect. Start by answering the following: Have you extended this element to the person you are in conflict with? Why not? Are you able to?
Realize if the answer to this is no, that is going to impact your ability to be effective. Create a proactive plan or tap someone else in.
How much does each of these elements impact you? Are you easily upset if someone denies you them? If so, how can you plan around that before you have the conversation.
Try and imagine how it impacts someone who really needs to feel these elements to feel valued and recognized. Come to the conversation modeling how to extend them.
2. How to depersonalize conflict using dignity framework
Use these elements to explain why you care about an issue, event, policy choice, etc. Rather than saying, “You not caring about this means you don’t care about anyone but yourself,” or “Ugh, you are so selfish,” you can instead say, “this really matters to me because everyone deserves to feel safe and this takes away safety. Think about how hard it would be to feel unsafe all the time.”
Remind yourself that you are the keeper of your dignity. If someone is upset with you for standing up for yourself that is on them, not you. You can do hard things because you are the keeper of your dignity. Their approval does not define you.
3. Questions to ask in the moment
During a tough conversation or conflict, try incorporating these questions:
How does this element show in your own life? How does being treated with dignity impact you?Listen to their response and ask them to expand on their feelings with genuine interest. Explain why it is important to you.How do you think this element matters to others?Have you seen instances where someone was denied this element of dignity?Can you understand why it may have caused them to react that way?If the issue is current events, ask them: Can you see how (insert the side they disagree with) is being denied access to this element of dignity?If they can, ask them to explain. If they cannot, offer your perspective.
For example, “I realize you don’t approve, but imagine what it feels like to never feel fully safe? How would you react?”How would you react if a person or a group took these elements of dignity away from you?Why do you get to matter more than others?A strategic question if the person is dug in, using as neutral a tone as possible.
Dignity demands we have hard conversations. However, if the person dehumanizes you, or attempts to humiliate you, disengage. Set a time to follow up. Model the conversation you want to have, which includes making your boundaries clear. We’re all born with dignity, but we aren’t born knowing how to act in ways that honor everyone’s dignity. Be patient. Practice.
Until next time…
Recent Posts
Webinar: How To Be An Ally Part 2
Teens weren’t joking around when they tanked President Trump’s Tulsa rally
Webinar: Dignity and Your Relationships
Knowledge of dignity transforms into a way of being, because the more we engage with dignity’s potential, the more we become empowered by it
-Donna Hicks, Ph.D
Join the Navigating Politics with Dignity in the New Decade mailing list to receive the rest of the series on the dignity framework directly to your inbox.
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The post How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity: Part 1
A bit about this resource and the author: I am a 37 year old white woman who specializes in using dignity to navigate conflict and create healthy culture. I was a middle and high school educator for 13 years and now create tools for Cultures of Dignity. While this dignity framework resource can be used by anyone, I write from my lived experience and seek to coach those who want to learn how to confront bias in themselves and their communities. As a white woman, I believe my role is to create resources for white people to enhance their prosocial critical thinking. All work below relies heavily on the work of dignity expert Donna Hicks Ph.D.
How to have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity: Part 1
By Megan Saxelby
For most people, using dignity as a framework to navigate conflict and analyze behavior requires a radical shift in thinking. Instead most people are encouraged to be kind or follow the “golden rule” to treat others as they want to be treated. It’s rare to be taught a framework to understand the motivations guiding our reactions, how we can so easily cause harm to ourselves and others, or how to engage in conflict that preserves each person’s dignity.
Over the coming weeks, our goal is to teach you how to have necessary, hard conversations using the framework of dignity.
What you can expect from this series
To gain a deeper understanding of dignity and why it is essential principle in your interactions with others
To develop skills to have hard conversations
To learn how to use the Elements of Dignity to depersonalize conflict and avoid weaponizing shame so you can achieve your intended outcome
Dignity framework overview
Let’s talk about dignity: What it is, why it matters, and why you need to use it to have productive conversations. Dignity is the inherent worth and value of every human; everyone has it and everyone has the same amount. Dignity is different from respect: dignity is a given, but respect is earned or lost through an individual’s or a group’s choices, actions, and behavior.
Why does this matter? The second we decide that someone’s dignity is negotiable we have opened up psychological distance between people, the idea that there is an us and a them. When we feel psychological distance from others it changes how we see them, what we think we owe them, and how we think we get to treat them.
Practice #1
If you do nothing else after reading this, walk through the next week reminding yourself to use dignity to see others. Every person you come across (family member, grocery clerk, someone on the news, etc) say to yourself, no matter how the interaction goes, your initial reaction to them, or who they are: “We both matter the same amount.” See how that impacts your thinking, reframes your interaction, or just makes you pause.
Basic Dignity facts
Denial of dignity is the root of all conflict. Violations of dignity feel like a threat to our survival. Humans are conditioned to believe that our survival depends on social acceptance. When we don’t feel that acceptance that we matter, we are vulnerable….that means we are all vulnerable to feeling treated as if we don’t matter
When someone violates our dignity, our instinctive, self-protective hard wiring tells us that our safety matters most, not the relationship. That reaction propels us to fight or flee.
Our brains do not know the difference between a physical threat and a psychological threat. Our brains process humiliation the same way it does being punched. Studies show humiliation can actually be more harmful because at least we understand the cause of physical pain. Emotional pain is harder to understand, pinpoint, and explain while causing similar or worse pain.
When we suffer long term wounds of feeling humiliated or diminished, they leave a legacy of pain. Unless attention is paid to the injuries, they can dominate an individual’s or group’s identity. When the identity needs of a group are not met over the long term, reacting with violence becomes a more likely option. Our powerful desire to have our dignity honored drives our need to have our history, experiences, and perspectives recognized.
Shame is incredibly powerful and our brains will do all kinds of gymnastics to avoid being seen as the wrongdoer and to save face. Admitting we caused harm makes us feel really hard emotions or worry we will lose something (moral high ground, relationships, community, sense of self). Self-righteousness has the power to take over our best selves, compromising our ability to see how we justify harming others.
Learning how to shift our responses is 100% our responsibility. Our brains are remarkably capable of building new pathways around old, well-traveled emotional routes. Every human is capable of profound change and human connection is what makes it happen. Empathy is not a passive act, you can choose to connect and shift your perspective. You do not have to experience someone’s pain to understand that someone is in pain.
Practice #2
Every time you get in a conflict, feel shame, feel anger or rage, want to humiliate someone, or get frustrated when someone won’t listen to you, take a break and re-read that list. Ask yourself which bullet point you are struggling with or you think the person you’re trying to talk with is struggling with. Take a deep breath. Use that reflection to help you shift how you are engaging. Try not to just give up. Asking someone to shift how they think is slow work. If you violate their dignity in the process they are going to shut down and stop listening to you
Practice #3
Give the above list to the person you are trying to have a hard conversation with. Ask them what they think about it. Ask them if they can see how items on that list apply to other people, for example someone of a different race or sexual identity.
Here is the hard part
This list applies to everyone and anyone. Someone you feel hatred towards also experiences the full range of human emotions and struggles with the list above. You do not have to respect anyone, respect is earned. You do not have to associate yourself with people who carelessly violate your dignity, you get to protect your emotional and physical safety. You do not have to continue relationships with people who do not recognize your dignity, as the keeper of your own dignity, you get to determine your boundaries. You can pause and remember that we all have dignity and that we are all equally vulnerable feeling like we don’t matter, and that anti-social behavior is usually an indicator that a deep need has not been met.
Using the Essential Elements of Dignity
While there are 10 Elements of Dignity, we are going to focus on two every post so we can fully practice the application of the dignity framework. Feel free to look at all the elements any time.
Why are the Elements key to having hard conversations?
Having shared vocabulary turns conflict into a skill rather than a reflection on character. Telling someone their actions made you feel a lack of safety is a whole lot different than telling someone they are a jerk who clearly doesn’t care about anyone but themselves. The Elements help you name your feelings, get your needs met, and have better relationships.
Hearing feedback that we have hurt someone, or contributed to someone being hurt, is really hard. It is not an excuse, we are responsible for our own actions and their impact; however, having vocabulary to express ourselves can depersonalize the conflict because it does not weaponize shame. It does not of course mean the person will immediately apologize and agree with you, but it increases the chance that they will listen.
One important idea to carry with you into hard conversations: Listening means being prepared to be changed by what you hear. Use the Elements of Dignity because they connect to the human experience and articulate the underlying issues that are fueling the conflict on either side, rather than pointing out character flaws, making personal attacks, or leading with anger.
Let’s jump into the Elements we are covering in this post.
1. Element of Dignity: Safety
Put people at ease at two levels: physically, so they feel safe from bodily harm, and psychologically, so they feel safe from being humiliated. Help them feel free to speak without fear of retribution.
2. Element of Dignity: Acknowledgement
Give people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating, and responding to their concerns, feelings, and experiences.
Using the Elements of Dignity always creates a safe space to have better conversations. In our current polarized political climate, having hard conversations based in dignity framework is more important than ever. Learning to talk with those you disagree with expands your understanding and helps you see more perspectives.
How to use these elements to facilitate conversation and create cognitive empathy
1. The preparation for the conversation
Use the definition of each element to self-reflect. Start by answering the following: Have you extended this element to the person you are in conflict with? Why not? Are you able to?
Realize if the answer to this is no, that is going to impact your ability to be effective. Create a proactive plan or tap someone else in.
How much does each of these elements impact you? Are you easily upset if someone denies you them? If so, how can you plan around that before you have the conversation.
Try and imagine how it impacts someone who really needs to feel these elements to feel valued and recognized. Come to the conversation modeling how to extend them.
2. How to depersonalize conflict using dignity framework
Use these elements to explain why you care about an issue, event, policy choice, etc. Rather than saying, “You not caring about this means you don’t care about anyone but yourself,” or “Ugh, you are so selfish,” you can instead say, “this really matters to me because everyone deserves to feel safe and this takes away safety. Think about how hard it would be to feel unsafe all the time.”
Remind yourself that you are the keeper of your dignity. If someone is upset with you for standing up for yourself that is on them, not you. You can do hard things because you are the keeper of your dignity. Their approval does not define you.
3. Questions to ask in the moment
During a tough conversation or conflict, try incorporating these questions:
How does this element show in your own life? How does being treated with dignity impact you?Listen to their response and ask them to expand on their feelings with genuine interest. Explain why it is important to you.How do you think this element matters to others?Have you seen instances where someone was denied this element of dignity?Can you understand why it may have caused them to react that way?If the issue is current events, ask them: Can you see how (insert the side they disagree with) is being denied access to this element of dignity?If they can, ask them to explain. If they cannot, offer your perspective.
For example, “I realize you don’t approve, but imagine what it feels like to never feel fully safe? How would you react?”How would you react if a person or a group took these elements of dignity away from you?Why do you get to matter more than others?A strategic question if the person is dug in, using as neutral a tone as possible.
Dignity demands we have hard conversations. However, if the person dehumanizes you, or attempts to humiliate you, disengage. Set a time to follow up. Model the conversation you want to have, which includes making your boundaries clear. We’re all born with dignity, but we aren’t born knowing how to act in ways that honor everyone’s dignity. Be patient. Practice.
Until next time…
Recent Posts
How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity: Part 1
Meet Emma! Cultures of Dignity Intern
Meet Tristan! Cultures of Dignity Intern
Knowledge of dignity transforms into a way of being, because the more we engage with dignity’s potential, the more we become empowered by it
-Donna Hicks, Ph.D
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The post How to Have Necessary, Hard Conversations Using the Framework of Dignity: Part 1 appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
June 15, 2020
Meet Emma! Cultures of Dignity Intern
Meet Cultures of Dignity’s newest intern!
Cultures of Dignity: Tell us a little about yourself!
I am going to be a senior at Dawson School in Lafayette in the fall. I was born in Boston, MA and soon after moved to California, and then about eight years later I finally moved to Colorado which is by far my most favorite state I have lived in. One of my favorite things to do is to go skiing with my friends and to go hiking with my family and dogs.
Why are you working with Cultures of Dignity this summer?
This summer I chose to work with Cultures of Dignity because I want to help make people around the world have basic human rights. I also strongly believe in Cultures of Dignity’s mission, that everyone deserves dignity no matter who they are. I am interested in possibly studying psychology in college and I felt that this internship would introduce me to that field of study.
If you could have any superpower what would it be?
If I could have any superpower it would be to stop time. During my Junior year of high school I’ve had very little time to do anything but school, homework, and ACT prep. Being able to stop the time would enable me to get my homework done earlier in the day and I could maybe even watch an extra episode of Netflix or hangout with my friends.
What projects will you be working on with CoD?
This summer I will be working on with CoD on website analytics, and getting Tiny Guides to more young people, parents, and educators around the world! I will also be giving feedback on lessons and content.
What is an issue you see in schools you want to fix?
An issue that I see in schools that I want to fix is kids putting labels on their peers. For example, one might be known as the smart kid or the mean kid etc. These labels have negative effects on kids mental health because they might be known as a nerdy kid while someone else is known as being cool which never feels very good. A lot of times the nerdy kid will put themselves out there in unhealthy ways so that they can become cool like some of the other kids.
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Meet Emma! Cultures of Dignity Intern
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The post Meet Emma! Cultures of Dignity Intern appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
June 10, 2020
Meet Tristan! Cultures of Dignity Intern
Meet Cultures of Dignity’s newest intern!
Cultures of Dignity: Tell us a little about yourself!
My name is Tristan Tredennick Medd. I go to Fairview High School in Boulder, Colorado. I am currently fifteen years old and am going into my sophomore year. I love movies and TV shows of all genres, but my favorite (for movies) is horror. I love the genre of horror, because it is so hard to get it right. I like to watch the attempts and see what makes good horror movies score, and what makes bad horror movies fail. For TV, I usually prefer the fantasy genre, and I feel the same about books. My favorite book is either Ready Player One by Ernest Cline or Misery by Stephen King. My favorite music genre is pop-punk/punk rock, my second favorite being alternative rock, but I wouldn’t say no to some metal or nu-metal. My favorite band is Green Day, my second favorite is Weezer, and my third favorite is either the All-American Rejects or the Gorillaz. Runner-ups include My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park, New Found Glory, All Time Low, and Sum 41. I have to say that I do enjoy anime, though I don’t talk about it much. In general, I’m very into pop culture.
Why are you working with Cultures of Dignity this summer?
I am working at Cultures of Dignity this summer, because, basically, I love writing. I wanted an internship position this summer, because I felt it was time to do something while I wasn’t in school instead of just lazing around and doing meaningless camps. One of my biggest hobbies is writing, so I wanted to get an internship that gave me the opportunity to write. When I found Cultures of Dignity, I thought it would be a good experience, because I would have the opportunity to write and the opportunity to help a cause that I found important. It was just icing on the cake when I realized the woman who had started CoD was the woman who had written the book that inspired the movie Mean Girls (a great movie).
If you could have any superpower what would it be?
If I could have any super, I would have the ability to shapeshift. I think it would be awesome to be able to take different forms. You could do variably anything, see life from a hundred different eyes. It would make life easier and more interesting. It’s not the most physically powerful superpower, but it’s powerful in different ways.
What projects will you be working on with CoD?
This summer I will be working on the Secret Lives of Teens Show, and generally any movie and tv show reviews or pop culture related projects.
What is an issue you see in schools you want to fix?
I think the biggest issue that I see in schools is the lack of commitment of some of the pupils. I know some people, who, instead of just dealing with the schoolwork, just ignore it and skip school altogether. This may seem like a good idea to them now, but it will ruin their lives later. This lack of concern for schools will add to the population of jobless people in the future, and that may lead to even darker things like suicide.
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Learn about how we work with young people:
STUDENT VOICE
The post Meet Tristan! Cultures of Dignity Intern appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
June 1, 2020
What Dignity Demands
What Dignity Demands
We are in a dignity crisis. The video released of Ahmaud Arbery’s murder when he went for a run and the story of Breonna Taylor shot in her home in the middle of the night brought the violence and indignity African Americans face as part of their daily experience living in this country to the forefront. The violence and indignity grew more painful when we witnessed Amy Cooper trying to manipulate the police into thinking she was being threatened by Christian Cooper and the horrific murder of George Floyd by the Minneapolis police. We watched thousands of people protest across the country all weekend where our President has dehumanized and labeled all of them “thugs” while inciting and threatening violence.
All of this shows, in painful detail, what happens when upholding each other’s dignity is forgotten or deliberately denied.
Dignity demands that we:
Recognize our own privilege.
Remember that when dignity is our foundation, we can have profound differences with others and still be in relation with each other.
Acknowledge that many of our leaders seek to divide us. We can’t begin to heal our relationships with each other until we recognize that we have leaders and people among us who don’t want us to see each other’s dignity.
Acknowledge that the experiences of black people, and all people of color, are never separated from racism. Individuals throughout our country are empowered and enabled to attack people of color. Our institutions of democracy fail to hold offenders accountable.
Reflect on how we are all influenced by cultural scripts that perpetuate bigotry and racism. We all are influenced to have racist thoughts and beliefs.
Take action to address the racial divisions and racism in our communities. We can support voter registration efforts for the upcoming elections so every American can exercise their constitutional right to vote.
Remember that we cannot expect black people and people of color to do the emotional labor of educating others. There are countless resources available to educate ourselves. See the list below.
Dignity expert Dr. Donna Hicks argues, “Until we fully recognize and accept this aspect of what it means to be human—that violation of our dignity feels like a threat to our survival—we will fall short in understanding conflict and what it takes to transform it to a more fruitful interaction.”
Dignity is the only way through. Dignity is the only way to reach out to each other and to heal. It is the principle that will give us the courage to face our political leaders and demand change.
Anti-Racism Resources
What to watch
When They See Us – Netflix
13th – Netflix
If Beale Street Could Talk – Hulu
Trevor Noah talks about the complexity of what is happening the US
What to read
Articles
The 1619 Project – New York Times Magazine
How to Make this Moment the Turning Point for Real Change – Barack Obama for Medium
Death of George Floyd In Context – The New Yorker
You shouldn’t need a Harvard degree to survive birdwatching while black – by 17-year-old Samuel Getachew for Washington Post
Books
Between the World and Me by Tah-Nehisi Coates
I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown
White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo, PhD
So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
What to listen to
1619 – The New York Times
Pod Save The People – Crooked Media
Code Switch – NPR
Other
Donate to a bail fund
Check out this comprehensive list compiled by Black activists
Support black owned businesses in your community
Make sure your voter registration is updated
Tiny Guides on Dignity
Are we missing anything? Let us know at curious@culturesofdignity.com
Recent Posts
What Dignity Demands
Webinar: Managing emotions in hard times
Prioritizing Art During a Global Pandemic
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